Sunday, February 21, 2010
random thoughts
So, the simplest explanation is that B had a bit of a mood crash and proceeded as she did.... but that gets into lousy territory for me, that is for damn sure.
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
also need to write about B and her bender
I don't really know where to start here. I am having all kinds of PTSD (well, lightly -- but it's there). I've been feeling like there's some instability of mood and relationship with B that is of a concern -- too too much like what I had early on with M. And the last 18 hours have exacerbated that feeling quite a bit.
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
Guilt feelings about A2
Wow, it's been a while since I felt the need to journal. Meant to a few times, but never quite got to it.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
Monday, November 16, 2009
a small contention last night
with B. My phone rang with its whistling tone I have set as A2's ring. After a while, B made it plain that my getting that call peeved her. I challenged the matter a bit, but carefully. After a time, B figured out and shared that it was "my fears" that got kicked off.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Talked with A2. Mostly ok
got an email this afternoon requesting a conversation. Most of it was business related. Tale end got into that personal stuff that is an old song now....
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A2 no regrets, but anxiety remains
Just thinking it wise to try and get some of my thoughts and feelings out into my journal.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
still processing
some thoughts and feelings and remembrances of A2. I keep recollecting that I asked her outright at least twice over the time we were seeing each other if she was in love with me.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Having to stop the direct contact for awhile
I don't want to, but I have to stop the regular contact with A2.
Last Sunday night she indicated she'll be up here on Friday, wanted to get together and "just talk". Bad idea.... That can only lead to more hurt feelings or issues.
She even went so far as to broach coming up on Thursday (to stay over with me) to better accommodate her need to see me and talk.... an even worse idea.
I've emailed her, regretfully trying to make it very clear that there isn't any going back... I'm moving on and moving forward.
The truth is, I don't have to and don't intend to cut off contact forever. Not like I had to with M. I don't feel abused, or feel like there is a lot of negative to make sure doesn't arise.... or pathology (well, other than A2's difficulty with deeper emotional connection).
I would tell her that, again, but now is not the time. Not while she continues to have hope of "putting things back together".
Better if I just fall silent with her for now.
It will be tough enough seeing one another at a meeting a week from Friday.... That is cause for a little trepidation. Not because something unpleasant may occur, but because it will still be a raw wound -- really, for both of us.
The various revelations
are continuing to rustle around in my head:
- That A2 was (probably) in love with me 2 years ago (and never said so in all these years)
- That she thought I was with my Ex last January when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway
- That she was ready to "jump the broom" practically (after dismissing constantly the idea of ever being married again all the time previously) after getting the (inexpensive) jewelry I gave her for her b-day
- That she began to refer to us as "significant others" but without ever an expression of love.
- That my intuition about her feelings was right, right from the start.
- That she had such feelings without ever actually revealing them outright.
It is truly a tragicomedy.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
and what I finally emailed to A2
subject: thoughts before tomorrow
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
a little more
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
trying to sort thoughts out before A2's therapy session tomorrow
pages, mind dumping, sorting thoughts,
A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.
And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.
Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
So, history and observations to share…
Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.
Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).
Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.
Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…
So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.
Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:
Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.
Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.
A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.
And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.
Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
So, history and observations to share…
Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.
Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).
Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.
Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…
So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.
Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:
Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.
Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"Anniversary" per A2
First, I should say that B and I are getting along beautifully well. Establishing the terms of our relationship. Getting together regularly. Taking appropriate time outs. Generally seems happy and healthy between us.
A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.
The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.
Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.
She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.
Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.
Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.
I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.
I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...
But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....
So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)
Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.
I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....
She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....
I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.
I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....
Nuff said about that for now, though.
A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.
The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.
Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.
She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.
Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.
Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.
I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.
I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...
But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....
So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)
Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.
I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....
She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....
I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.
I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....
Nuff said about that for now, though.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
another amusing musing
Then there was the beer. "Did you find your beer? No other man has been here drinking your beer."
Poor thing. Only doubtful in love....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A few musings
and remembrances from the weekend....
I think I was the only man in A2's relationship life that ever treated her entirely well. For instance, I came across a very nice microwave oven last month. Much nicer than hers, at a garage sale. Paid $5 for it and insisted she take it in trade for a small, crappy one she had (which I took to my office).
I think I was the only man in A2's relationship life that ever treated her entirely well. For instance, I came across a very nice microwave oven last month. Much nicer than hers, at a garage sale. Paid $5 for it and insisted she take it in trade for a small, crappy one she had (which I took to my office).
She still comments about how no one ever treated her so nicely as I have.
A relatively inexpensive and innocuous birthday gift had a lot of meaning for her. I think perhaps no one has given her much jewelry in the past, unless it was related to "playing" her or getting a bit more serious.....
I paid maybe $25 for a semi-precious stone birthstone necklace. Just a small ruby set in silverplate. I picked it up at a craft show and thought it would be a nice, inexpensive gift.... which I gave her on her birthday.....
A relatively inexpensive and innocuous birthday gift had a lot of meaning for her. I think perhaps no one has given her much jewelry in the past, unless it was related to "playing" her or getting a bit more serious.....
I paid maybe $25 for a semi-precious stone birthstone necklace. Just a small ruby set in silverplate. I picked it up at a craft show and thought it would be a nice, inexpensive gift.... which I gave her on her birthday.....
Well, she surprised the absolute hell out of me when one of the things she told me was that she almost told me at the time that she loved me and if that jewelry was intended to be "marital jewelry, the answer is 'yes'."
That just about blew me away.... Here I've been moving toward less involvement, disengaging and detaching.... and she was suddenly surprisingly ready to "jump the broom".
What in the world do you do with THAT kind of information??!! Going from not even being able to hear the word "love" in a sentence without reacting violently against it, never hinting at the full feeling being there.... to declaring love, over and over and as much as saying she was ready to marry!!
I can only shake my head almost in disbelief.... Wow.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Song: "Good night and thank you" from Evita. An irony
Irony upon irony upon irony commencing Saturday night and Sunday morning.
One irony was that A2 had just Saturday over the course of visiting with her long time friends told them that "I love him". And, they asked if she had EVER told me about her feelings. Of course, she had to tell them no... and then, when I dropped the bombshell on her Saturday night..... It was quite the irony.
Music and serendipity came into play, too.
With my intentions toward what had to happen with A2 clear in my mind and heart, the referenced song ran through my head, with its chorus:
- Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies
But we have pretended enough
It's best that we both stop fooling ourselves
So I downloaded it, added it to my "Recently downloaded" playlist and "shuffled" that list to play as I'm driving down to see A2 FTF, in part to help her with her visiting hospitalized friends, and in part to finish that which needed to be done FTF.
So, after driving roughly 68 of the 72 miles.... what song begins to play? Yes, the very one.
The irony as I drove up her street with the final choruses of that song playing was very, very thick. I was really quite struck by the serendipity. Quite.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
One key similarity to M
On my morning walk, I realized there is a key similarity with the relationship with A2 and that with M:
In both cases, I was meeting more of the partner's needs, than she of mine.
Now, in M's case, the needs I was meeting were in part quite pathological and related to her illness and my tendency to "caretake".
In A2's case, it's a bit different.... hard to define. She needs an anchor relationship, but with soft hands emotionally.... She's not very in touch with her own emotional needs. And, frankly, the physical distance I think worked for quite a while because of the way it introduced an element of "arms-length" to the relationship. In other words, since she finds it alarming to be "too close", the lack of proximity worked for that.
On the other hand, I need to feel strongly connected emotionally, but without the neediness and pathologies of the past.
UNlike M
At least there's this. UNlike M, I don't feel like I need to make a break with any FUTURE connection or possibilities.
There is a lot good about A2 and what we've had together. And, I won't set aside a possibility that we may one day come together in that "soul mate" way she things she's found with me. But, now is not the time.
But, as I said, with M the pathology and the lack of progress in her recovery from BPD made it absolutely necessary to break, break completely and forever.
For ME, that's not the case with A2. We'll see how she feels about a less "tight" relationship continuing hence. I don't have control over that. Although, I expect she'll need some recovery and adjustment time.
If only
she had said something last Spring when first she "realized" or actually "fell" in love....
Perhaps I would not have been open to renewing my former relationship with B.
I don't know, though. But perhaps.
Still, it's just as well. The factors and concerns that brought me to making this move are independent of things with B. I think I first began to entertain the need to "dial it down" when A2 started sounding increasingly serious about running for statewide president. As I contemplated that, I could see a future where instead of the hassle of a 75 minute commute to see each other, there's be a parsity of quality time together. The job she's going after can be very, very taxing. I think she'll need her friends (including me) to help support her.... but I am hard pressed that she could sustain HER side of a true relationship while serving in that capacity.
So, it's as well to get this change made now.... Nuff said.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)