always having to be "up" and never remotely needy or bothered.... Life's a little tough for me right now, and it apparently shows through in some of my phone conversations with M.
Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.
And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.
Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....
Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.
Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).
I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.
So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.
But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.
OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.
Seems a little one way.
It's really put me off.
I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.
sigh.....
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
91 minutes!
M was traveling back northward today. She's to arrive tommorrow. Unpack and repack Friday to head to Myrtle Beach with her sister on Friday -- staying for a week.
I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.
Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).
But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.
It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.
I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."
and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....
I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.
I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.
Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).
But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.
It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.
I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."
and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....
I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.
Monday, April 16, 2007
No surpise -- a freakout
Yup. M managed to get all freaked out yesterday and took it out on me today. Apparently most of it started with my p.m. phone conversation with her yesterday before I went to see Le Miz. She asked if I was planning to see any shows. I was trying to spare her feelings about not being her.... didn't want her to feel more deprived over not coming.... So, I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to say -- that I needed to know for sure that she wanted to know -- or if she'd really rather not. She took that negatively. Decided I was playing cat and mouse.... I did finally tell her. Turned out she wasn't real interested in Le Miz anyway -- part of my reluctance was my presumption she would be disappointed not to see it....
So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....
Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:
"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"
Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)
followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"
By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "
Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."
I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.
I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"
I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.
At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.
She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."
I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.
But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.
So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....
Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:
"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"
Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)
followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"
By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "
Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."
I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.
I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"
I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.
At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.
She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."
I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.
But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
too much crazymaking
woke up this a.m. thinking about last night's extended conversation. She looped back over lots of old, negative history.... which is something she does when she's getting overwhelmed and there's too much crazymaking going on. I'm going to send her an email suggesting she cut the contact with both kids way back. One is making her crazy, the other is giving her details about the troubled brother that she doesn't want to hear and that is just crazymaking.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Hour and a half!!
Phone call. Most of it repeats of many past conversations.
really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.
She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.
really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.
She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.
Last week or ten days
have been different. Interesting.
M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.
For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....
Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......
Wears me out.
Sounded a bit under the influence to me....
But, I managed to stay patient.
It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....
She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.
She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....
I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.
M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.
For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....
Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......
Wears me out.
Sounded a bit under the influence to me....
But, I managed to stay patient.
It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....
She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.
She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....
I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Her summer intentions
She also shared her summer intentions this a.m. as part of her part of it.
Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.
Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.
Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....
and it was....
we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.
Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....
Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.
Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.
Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....
and it was....
we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.
Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....
The usual rejection stuff
Of course, today she's paying me back for rejecting her. For daring to "deliberately" reject her. Etc, etc.
Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.
Most easily frustrated in interactions.
Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).
And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).
Tried to listen much.
Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.
Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.
Most easily frustrated in interactions.
Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).
And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).
Tried to listen much.
Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.
Truly beyond
M walks in last night, all smiley, almost 10 p.m..... "I came home because I miss you and I want to make love with you."
what????!!! I'm thinking, this is just out there. All the conflict that I left FL under. All the conflict we'd been having when we touch base since. And this??
I had mostly left her be, turning my phone off and such. She used that as an excuse for surprising me. "I tried to call you, but you had your phone off and the land line off hook so I couldn't reach you...." "I didn't book the flight until yesterday..."
"I DID leave a message that 'I had a question'"
I recall that. It was during the stuff referenced in my entry of http://bpdoz.blogspot.com/2007/04/hard-to-ignore-her-but-im-trying.html describing the night before. And her "question" message was edgy and of a negative tone. Not something I was anxious to respond to.
But somehow, SHE shook all that off by Wednesday and went ahead and made her flight arrangements. For purposes, as she's stated them that seem terribly inappropriate.
It was tempting. I knew what she wanted. She's still quite beautiful and we make wonderful love together when we're connected in that way... But, still, to expect to walk in, completely unexpectedly, with virtually every recent communication being conflicted and literally have the orchestra come up and the couple fall into rapturous love.... is a bit much.
what????!!! I'm thinking, this is just out there. All the conflict that I left FL under. All the conflict we'd been having when we touch base since. And this??
I had mostly left her be, turning my phone off and such. She used that as an excuse for surprising me. "I tried to call you, but you had your phone off and the land line off hook so I couldn't reach you...." "I didn't book the flight until yesterday..."
"I DID leave a message that 'I had a question'"
I recall that. It was during the stuff referenced in my entry of http://bpdoz.blogspot.com/2007/04/hard-to-ignore-her-but-im-trying.html describing the night before. And her "question" message was edgy and of a negative tone. Not something I was anxious to respond to.
But somehow, SHE shook all that off by Wednesday and went ahead and made her flight arrangements. For purposes, as she's stated them that seem terribly inappropriate.
It was tempting. I knew what she wanted. She's still quite beautiful and we make wonderful love together when we're connected in that way... But, still, to expect to walk in, completely unexpectedly, with virtually every recent communication being conflicted and literally have the orchestra come up and the couple fall into rapturous love.... is a bit much.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Shhhh... it's a secret
Or, the games they play....
Well, M is "secretly" on her way here. I had an elderly aunt die recently, services this Saturday.... and I think that might be the excuse for her unexpected showing....
Of course, there's also the "crazy" she's going over my not engaging with her and not being altogether open on where things stand between us (the FTF thing....)
So, here's the story and what I know at this point.
Early last evening, her son called me. "You didn't hear it from me.... but I thought you should have a heads-up that Mom might be on her way up here.... I got a text message from her that said something like, 'you might see me sooner than expected.'" He went on to say he didn't really know what she was doing / planning. But, he thought maybe she'd be on her way up here real soon.
Sidenote: my T, with me resisting the engagement, negative or otherwise, and with my being prepared to offer to talk about the relationship by phone if that's what M chooses.... predicted M would head up soon.... shortly after any such talk... the better to force some additional engagement. THIS bit, however is unexpected.
Anyway, the kid only gave me part of the story (no surprise, he's shady.... a liar's liar.)
I called M's sis, to let her know that maybe M was on her way, probably driving.... and therefore sis wouldn't have to drive by herself to Myrtle Beach later this month.... But, Sis says, "Oh... no, I can fill in some blanks for you..."
Turns out M had emailed Sis and told her she had booked a flight to come in Thursday night.... that I'd had an Aunt pass... not that she'd be invited to go to services... and well, her flight back was on Easter Sunday and if she needed a ride, could Sis give her one...
So, here's what I think is up. At a minimum, M is trying to make another "caring ploy" to show me how much she cares and can be supportive in a time of loss.... And, well, I would not be surprised if she tries to pin me down tomorrow on the relationship talk, FTF, that we've been needing to have.
I'm not thrilled. I have a cold. An infection and I need my rest. I don't need crazy disturbing me. But, as always, I'll be gracious... or, if needed, I'll lash out in the anger she seems so often to crave....
Well, M is "secretly" on her way here. I had an elderly aunt die recently, services this Saturday.... and I think that might be the excuse for her unexpected showing....
Of course, there's also the "crazy" she's going over my not engaging with her and not being altogether open on where things stand between us (the FTF thing....)
So, here's the story and what I know at this point.
Early last evening, her son called me. "You didn't hear it from me.... but I thought you should have a heads-up that Mom might be on her way up here.... I got a text message from her that said something like, 'you might see me sooner than expected.'" He went on to say he didn't really know what she was doing / planning. But, he thought maybe she'd be on her way up here real soon.
Sidenote: my T, with me resisting the engagement, negative or otherwise, and with my being prepared to offer to talk about the relationship by phone if that's what M chooses.... predicted M would head up soon.... shortly after any such talk... the better to force some additional engagement. THIS bit, however is unexpected.
Anyway, the kid only gave me part of the story (no surprise, he's shady.... a liar's liar.)
I called M's sis, to let her know that maybe M was on her way, probably driving.... and therefore sis wouldn't have to drive by herself to Myrtle Beach later this month.... But, Sis says, "Oh... no, I can fill in some blanks for you..."
Turns out M had emailed Sis and told her she had booked a flight to come in Thursday night.... that I'd had an Aunt pass... not that she'd be invited to go to services... and well, her flight back was on Easter Sunday and if she needed a ride, could Sis give her one...
So, here's what I think is up. At a minimum, M is trying to make another "caring ploy" to show me how much she cares and can be supportive in a time of loss.... And, well, I would not be surprised if she tries to pin me down tomorrow on the relationship talk, FTF, that we've been needing to have.
I'm not thrilled. I have a cold. An infection and I need my rest. I don't need crazy disturbing me. But, as always, I'll be gracious... or, if needed, I'll lash out in the anger she seems so often to crave....
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Hard to ignore her, but I'm trying
Trying to break my habit of taking her calls and responding to her messages no matter what their tone. My T kinda thinks I should just delete them without reading or listening... Yipe!!
I suppose my reluctance to do that is a bit on the addictive relationship side of things....
Anyway, it drives me crazy to get this txt @ 8:00 p, last night:
"I hope you can be proud of yourself. Just as I knew.....surgery was the last straw....I had hoped it would bring us closer to gether but it only provide you more opportunites..." (then an odd symbol appears, which might indicate the system truncated the message or something. Who knows.) anyway I suppose she was going to accuse me some more of abusive behavior....
I was disgusted and disgruntled to receive that message, so I turned off my phone and took the land line off hook....
This a.m. I found that at 8:23p she tried to call and left me a VM, "I just wanted to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no answer. But, plainly YOU aren't talking to me."
Then@ 8:30p, she sent the txt: "Are you having a bad day?"
(in other words, why aren't you responding to my need for attention).
Has she no concept of the emotional instability that series of messages shows? (rhetorical question).
I suppose my reluctance to do that is a bit on the addictive relationship side of things....
Anyway, it drives me crazy to get this txt @ 8:00 p, last night:
"I hope you can be proud of yourself. Just as I knew.....surgery was the last straw....I had hoped it would bring us closer to gether but it only provide you more opportunites..." (then an odd symbol appears, which might indicate the system truncated the message or something. Who knows.) anyway I suppose she was going to accuse me some more of abusive behavior....
I was disgusted and disgruntled to receive that message, so I turned off my phone and took the land line off hook....
This a.m. I found that at 8:23p she tried to call and left me a VM, "I just wanted to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no answer. But, plainly YOU aren't talking to me."
Then@ 8:30p, she sent the txt: "Are you having a bad day?"
(in other words, why aren't you responding to my need for attention).
Has she no concept of the emotional instability that series of messages shows? (rhetorical question).
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Can't just send a letter, per the T
Yeah, I couldn't resist. I did manage to run the idea of just sending a Dear Jane letter past my T. As I thought, the said NOPE, that's the coward's way out. Gotta talk.
Sigh. That'll be tough, tough, tough.
And, I'm thinking she's got herself anxious enough to really want to know where things stand, even if by phone and even if she is 1200 miles away and away from all her familiar caregivers.
I hope, but don't really expect, that she'll not choose to wait until she's here and we can be FTF for this....
Breaks my heart, but my well-being and my ability to heal and thrive depends on doing this.
Sigh. That'll be tough, tough, tough.
And, I'm thinking she's got herself anxious enough to really want to know where things stand, even if by phone and even if she is 1200 miles away and away from all her familiar caregivers.
I hope, but don't really expect, that she'll not choose to wait until she's here and we can be FTF for this....
Breaks my heart, but my well-being and my ability to heal and thrive depends on doing this.
preparing for the conversation
Well, I'm going to have an extra session with my T tomorrow. We're going to talk about how to go about telling her that it's over.
We'd agreed to do "relationship" discussions FTF.... but, M is clearly going out of her mind wondering just how bad things are and where things stand.
So, Monday, my T (late in the session, but that was my fault) said that I should email her and pose the question, "Do you want to have the conversation about the status and future of this relationship over the phone, or wait until we can do so FTF"
That way, it becomes HER decision, and I'm not breaking a promise by speaking to it by phone if that's what she's wanting. Resolution, or whatever....
but I need to have it sorted through before laying the groundwork and having the conversation.
But, there is little doubt in my mind. It's time. Time to say exactly where things are. AT an end. That we cannot continue as a primary couple.... I don't know where it may end up someday, but what we have is not working and I donm't see it working as a significant other relationship or married, or whatever.
She's too needy, and I'm too tired of the BS and the drama.
We'd agreed to do "relationship" discussions FTF.... but, M is clearly going out of her mind wondering just how bad things are and where things stand.
So, Monday, my T (late in the session, but that was my fault) said that I should email her and pose the question, "Do you want to have the conversation about the status and future of this relationship over the phone, or wait until we can do so FTF"
That way, it becomes HER decision, and I'm not breaking a promise by speaking to it by phone if that's what she's wanting. Resolution, or whatever....
but I need to have it sorted through before laying the groundwork and having the conversation.
But, there is little doubt in my mind. It's time. Time to say exactly where things are. AT an end. That we cannot continue as a primary couple.... I don't know where it may end up someday, but what we have is not working and I donm't see it working as a significant other relationship or married, or whatever.
She's too needy, and I'm too tired of the BS and the drama.
trying my patience
Well, I'm trying really hard to leave M be, and NOT jump to when a call or message comes through. Of course, I know she'll find that terribly alarming, but that's not my problem.
A familiar pattern though. After tangling with me Sunday night, she called at 6 a.m. today "hoping I have a good day and to tell me she loves me..." then.... tonight, predictably, I heard a call come in -- no mesage left... so I left it be... then, a few minutes ago, just after 8p, I got an text message tonight, clearly under the influence and leaning toward upset, all about how "I hope you're proud of yourself.... and I knew my thumb surgery was going to the the last straw".... etc, etc.
In other words, since I didn't contact her today, now she's got to make trouble and externalize blame for the difficulties in this relationship....
No surprises.
Anyway, I find it terribly hard NOT to engage with her. Part of that addictive relationship stuff I've discovered.
OTOH, instead of responding or calling her or any of that... and taking into account that I really am, still, pretty angry about Sunday's late day conversations and arguments....
So, after receiving her troubled text message, my response was to take the land line off hook and turn my cell phone off.
She can stew, but I don't have to take the calls or obsess about them.
In fact, my T is encouraging me to just delete them rather than bother to read or listen, when there's good reason to believe they're just troubled and troublesome.
A familiar pattern though. After tangling with me Sunday night, she called at 6 a.m. today "hoping I have a good day and to tell me she loves me..." then.... tonight, predictably, I heard a call come in -- no mesage left... so I left it be... then, a few minutes ago, just after 8p, I got an text message tonight, clearly under the influence and leaning toward upset, all about how "I hope you're proud of yourself.... and I knew my thumb surgery was going to the the last straw".... etc, etc.
In other words, since I didn't contact her today, now she's got to make trouble and externalize blame for the difficulties in this relationship....
No surprises.
Anyway, I find it terribly hard NOT to engage with her. Part of that addictive relationship stuff I've discovered.
OTOH, instead of responding or calling her or any of that... and taking into account that I really am, still, pretty angry about Sunday's late day conversations and arguments....
So, after receiving her troubled text message, my response was to take the land line off hook and turn my cell phone off.
She can stew, but I don't have to take the calls or obsess about them.
In fact, my T is encouraging me to just delete them rather than bother to read or listen, when there's good reason to believe they're just troubled and troublesome.
Monday, April 2, 2007
An apt description
posted by a fellow partner of BPD folk on the Yahoo group Welcome To Oz on April 1:
Bpd is the illness of intimacy and love. And the bpd behaviour and
traits only appear when the bpd person develops those feelings towards
another person. Then the inevitable course takes its path. I
subscribe to the illness being the result of childhood trauma,
neglect, abuse. In any shape or form. A child wants to love and to be
loved. For her or his love to be rejected or abused hurts them and
confuses them. They try time and time again to receive parental love,
only to be pushed further into a safe place in their mind. When they
are not shown love or loved back. Eventually the only person they can
trust is themselves, but they cant even love themselves. For they are
in total confusion.
And as they develop into adult children the illness manifests itself
each and everytime they develop feelings for another adult child.
Their survival instinct kicks in. I will not be hurt, I cannot trust,
they will leave me.
I cant love them, I want to, but they will hurt me. I cannot be
rejected again, abandoned. I have to look after myself.
There is only me, I survived.
Hence the gas lighting, it is them not me. I am okay. The painting
black, they are going to hurt me. I'll get in first before I totally
give myself. Then I wont be hurt. I don't want to be abandoned like my
parents abandoned me. I hate rejection. But if I abandon and reject,
then I am safe.
There is only me, myself and my shadow.
I can't stand being alone, I need someone, I need love and praise, I
want to be accepted.
And the cycle repeats itself. The never ending circle that bpd is and
always will be.
So sad, but even sadder in that the bpds affects so many people who
develop intimacy with them, and there are many through their sad
lifetime. They are only ever a sad child in an adults body.
Their caregivers or parents are the ones that are or have really hurt
us. They live on through their child, still destroying, as they
destroyed the child they should have loved and nutured.
A bpd is and always will be a scared and tormented child in an adults
body.
And yes cunning, manipulative, etc. But isnt that what children are like.
Bpd is the illness of intimacy and love. And the bpd behaviour and
traits only appear when the bpd person develops those feelings towards
another person. Then the inevitable course takes its path. I
subscribe to the illness being the result of childhood trauma,
neglect, abuse. In any shape or form. A child wants to love and to be
loved. For her or his love to be rejected or abused hurts them and
confuses them. They try time and time again to receive parental love,
only to be pushed further into a safe place in their mind. When they
are not shown love or loved back. Eventually the only person they can
trust is themselves, but they cant even love themselves. For they are
in total confusion.
And as they develop into adult children the illness manifests itself
each and everytime they develop feelings for another adult child.
Their survival instinct kicks in. I will not be hurt, I cannot trust,
they will leave me.
I cant love them, I want to, but they will hurt me. I cannot be
rejected again, abandoned. I have to look after myself.
There is only me, I survived.
Hence the gas lighting, it is them not me. I am okay. The painting
black, they are going to hurt me. I'll get in first before I totally
give myself. Then I wont be hurt. I don't want to be abandoned like my
parents abandoned me. I hate rejection. But if I abandon and reject,
then I am safe.
There is only me, myself and my shadow.
I can't stand being alone, I need someone, I need love and praise, I
want to be accepted.
And the cycle repeats itself. The never ending circle that bpd is and
always will be.
So sad, but even sadder in that the bpds affects so many people who
develop intimacy with them, and there are many through their sad
lifetime. They are only ever a sad child in an adults body.
Their caregivers or parents are the ones that are or have really hurt
us. They live on through their child, still destroying, as they
destroyed the child they should have loved and nutured.
A bpd is and always will be a scared and tormented child in an adults
body.
And yes cunning, manipulative, etc. But isnt that what children are like.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
FTF or not?
OK, so plainly she's getting anxious to know the score for certain.
I haven't wanted to tell her other than FTF.... but, perhaps I should reconsider. A letter. Perhaps.
Maybe it's time to lay out the lay of the land, somehow, and someway.
She suspects... Bitterly making remarks like, "You've got it all worked out in YOUR head. With no invovlement from me...."
etc.
What a pain.
Maybe I should just lay the basics down on paper. That it has to end. Propose buying her out. Outlining my terms.... Maybe.
I haven't wanted to tell her other than FTF.... but, perhaps I should reconsider. A letter. Perhaps.
Maybe it's time to lay out the lay of the land, somehow, and someway.
She suspects... Bitterly making remarks like, "You've got it all worked out in YOUR head. With no invovlement from me...."
etc.
What a pain.
Maybe I should just lay the basics down on paper. That it has to end. Propose buying her out. Outlining my terms.... Maybe.
Left alone??!!
Amazing. She seems to think she's left me alone for the most part for the last week or longer. Amazing that she believes that. I had three or four contacts, email, voicemail, answering machine, on Friday night alone. She'd had another crisis -- this one over the rumored pregnancy of her younger boy's g.f..
Cried about how she "was having a crisis and she can't get ahold of me...."
Yet, two days later, she's got herself convinced she's scarcely contacted or bothered me.
Pah!
What nonsense.
Of coures, I know the pattern, and so do her kids. Even her sis. None of us care to talk with her after about 7p at night. Combinations of meds and alcohol....
Increasingly troubled messages. Sometimes completely inarticulate.
Yet, she's "hardly bothered me at all".
Bullpucky.
What utter nonsense.
Cried about how she "was having a crisis and she can't get ahold of me...."
Yet, two days later, she's got herself convinced she's scarcely contacted or bothered me.
Pah!
What nonsense.
Of coures, I know the pattern, and so do her kids. Even her sis. None of us care to talk with her after about 7p at night. Combinations of meds and alcohol....
Increasingly troubled messages. Sometimes completely inarticulate.
Yet, she's "hardly bothered me at all".
Bullpucky.
What utter nonsense.
What a p.m.
Well, this has been fun. Quiet this weekend. She'd left me be.... amazingly. So, dutifully, and not to mention to "pass the (probable) test", I called at about 4p today. Pleasant enough. Nothing special. Also didn't give her the answers and info she keeps looking for, which frustrates her. Signed off the call without incident.
Not 5 minutes later, she called and said, "Am I EVER going to be allowed to come home... or do I even HAVE a home anymore....?? " etc, To which I said, "We agreed to have relationship discussions FTF, not this way...."
Went went round a little. All the usual. I got quickly frustrated. Also touched my NYC trip. That, also, didn't go well. I told her it was business and I needed to not have a bunch of drama...which or course, irked her.
She COULD have reassured me that she would and could behave in a companionable and appropriate way, but instead she made a sarcsstic statement, "I'm sure I'd just embarrass and ??? you "
Anyway, long story short, today was really the last day I could change MY flight without a substantial penalty. And, unhappily, having to cancel her nonrefundable flight.... BUT, I cannot have all the distraction that taking "personal problems" with me to a business conference would cause.
Anyway, every part of me, every one I went to for ratification, if you will, agreed... There's no place for her on this trip, so I have cancelled her flight, changed mine, and shortened my hotel stay by a day.
NOW, I have no further need to accommodate her in my travelling. And, she can be here when she will and I will do what I must.
Not 5 minutes later, she called and said, "Am I EVER going to be allowed to come home... or do I even HAVE a home anymore....?? " etc, To which I said, "We agreed to have relationship discussions FTF, not this way...."
Went went round a little. All the usual. I got quickly frustrated. Also touched my NYC trip. That, also, didn't go well. I told her it was business and I needed to not have a bunch of drama...which or course, irked her.
She COULD have reassured me that she would and could behave in a companionable and appropriate way, but instead she made a sarcsstic statement, "I'm sure I'd just embarrass and ??? you "
Anyway, long story short, today was really the last day I could change MY flight without a substantial penalty. And, unhappily, having to cancel her nonrefundable flight.... BUT, I cannot have all the distraction that taking "personal problems" with me to a business conference would cause.
Anyway, every part of me, every one I went to for ratification, if you will, agreed... There's no place for her on this trip, so I have cancelled her flight, changed mine, and shortened my hotel stay by a day.
NOW, I have no further need to accommodate her in my travelling. And, she can be here when she will and I will do what I must.
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