It is very wearying

always having to be "up" and never remotely needy or bothered.... Life's a little tough for me right now, and it apparently shows through in some of my phone conversations with M.

Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.

And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.

Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....

Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.

Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).

I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.

So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.

But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.

OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.

Seems a little one way.

It's really put me off.

I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.

sigh.....