I suppose it was inevitable. The threats, veiled and direct both, have started over the last few days. I quit calling her or responding sometime around Tuesday or Wednesday after she got rude and incivil in her tone and messages. That lack of contact, even negative interactions, drives her crazy - but that's not my problem. It's hers.
But, as a result, over the last day and a half she's taken to leaving me voicemails that threaten to "expose" my financial improprieties or something. There isn't anything to expose, but she's trying to act like there is.
She talks of a paper trail. Of incriminating evidence. Of going to my employer's HR dept with ??? Of the possiblity that "you'll lose your cushy position."
Accusations of "spending all my disability money on yourself"
on and on.
Facts won't bear her out.
She left a firm demand, many times, that "you call me BY 9:00 a.m. and plan to have a serious discussion about all the financial issues by 10 a.m." yadayada
I simply voicemailed back that I got her threatening phone calls and would not be responding at this time due to the need to keep my head clear for my job duties.
Guess we will see whether she's going any further or not.
I think I have called her bluff and she's got nowhere to go with this crap!!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Last night
I deliberately ignored M's phone calls through the evening and night. She was going pretty crazy. Power was out again, briefly, so she was going ape-shit over that. Then crazy over "where are you? " "XX is at the topless club maybe" and on like that.
Truth of the matter was, I spent a night relatively alone... well, not exactly. I stopped at my son's bar and had a beer and a sandwich. Then his girlfriend's bar (not hers, but she tends), then headed home to my apartment.
Spent lots of time talking to my very good friend who is both trying to help me transition and who is really finding herself challenged by her own (unspoken) feelings that are developing toward me.
I'm interested. But at the right time.... however, strong as she is, I keep having to reassure her that at the moment all we're headed into is a close friendship.
I even promised NOT to outright ask her out "on a date" (as opposed to going out with a friend....) until the year turns.....
Meanwhile, M kept going crazy. Called and called. Left numerous messages. Few that I kept.
She finally quit. Apparently went back home and found the electricity back on. Then emailed me to complain that the WIFI was messed up at the moment.... Sigh.
I see this a.m. that she called 3X around 1:30a.m. without leaving any messages. Glad the phone is somewhere I don't hear it.
Truth of the matter was, I spent a night relatively alone... well, not exactly. I stopped at my son's bar and had a beer and a sandwich. Then his girlfriend's bar (not hers, but she tends), then headed home to my apartment.
Spent lots of time talking to my very good friend who is both trying to help me transition and who is really finding herself challenged by her own (unspoken) feelings that are developing toward me.
I'm interested. But at the right time.... however, strong as she is, I keep having to reassure her that at the moment all we're headed into is a close friendship.
I even promised NOT to outright ask her out "on a date" (as opposed to going out with a friend....) until the year turns.....
Meanwhile, M kept going crazy. Called and called. Left numerous messages. Few that I kept.
She finally quit. Apparently went back home and found the electricity back on. Then emailed me to complain that the WIFI was messed up at the moment.... Sigh.
I see this a.m. that she called 3X around 1:30a.m. without leaving any messages. Glad the phone is somewhere I don't hear it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Excellent Blog entry from a BP
One of the folk on the online support group posted this. Unattributed, so I can't go see what else this BPD person might have posted....
Oh, found it: http://theshapeofdays.com/
Blog
Sunday, August 5, 2007, 8:12 am
How do you put a title on something like this?
For the past year and a bit, I've actively avoided writing anything
too personal on this Web site. Which is ironic, as it originally
started out as a sort of public diary. It was an outlet of sorts, a
place to write about stuff I couldn't talk to anyone about.
But with time, things changed. I gained a microscopic speck of
notoriety for some articles I published here back in the fall of
2004. The set of people who read this site and the set of people I
actually know in real life began to overlap. This site began to have
professional implications for me; I could conceivably get or lose
jobs because of this site.
So I clammed up. I stopped writing about my life and started writing
about things.
I can't do that any more. This morning I'm going to write a post that
I've been putting off writing for … god. For years and years. My
whole life, it seems.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Some of my friends know this already. Like, two of them. I think.
Others may have guessed. Most, particularly my casual acquaintances,
probably have no idea.
I have a mental illness. It's very serious.
It's called "borderline personality disorder." The reason they call
it "borderline" is because it's right there on the cusp between
normal and psychotic. Yeah, I said psychotic. Due to a brain defect
or malfunction, psychotic people perceive the world in a
fundamentally different way from normal people. Psychotic people
might hallucinate or they might not, but the defining characteristic
is what the doctors call a profound disconnect from reality. What
they think is going on isn't actually what's going on.
My problem — I don't have a good word for it; call it a disease,
handicap or disability and my eyes roll — my problem is a little
different from that. I also have a profound disconnect from reality.
But I'm aware that I have it. That's what puts me on the borderline,
rather that right in the middle of psychosis.
The defining characteristic of my whatever-you-want-to-call-it is an
inability to form and maintain normal human relationships. Romantic,
platonic, social, professional, whatever. I have a deep-seated fear
of abandonment. I often feel betrayed for no reason. I believe that I
am a worthless human being, and consequently doubt that anyone could
actually desire my company/love me/enjoy talking to me at a party, et
cetera. Out of fear of losing personal bonds, I push people away as a
defensive reaction. See, I think they're just going to abandon me
anyway, so fuck `em.
I go through periods of uncontrollable rage. That is to say, the rage
is uncontrollable. I get angry for no good reason, or at best for a
very, very insignificant reason, and it doesn't go away readily. I'm
not dangerous in any meaningful sense, at least not to others. But I
can be very difficult to be around.
My mood swings have been clocked as being faster than the speed of
sound. Believe me, if we could find a way to harness my mood swings,
we'd never have to burn a drop of oil again.
During times of extreme stress, I experience what the doctors call
dissociation. I sort of lose control of my thoughts and actions. I
see myself from the outside, with no conscious control over what I'm
saying. I find that I've said things I never meant to say, never
should have meant to say. It's an extremely difficult sensation to
describe, and an extremely unpleasant one to experience.
I was talking to a friend — one of the two people — recently. She
asked me, "If you realize this is going on, why can't you just not do
it?" I think I laughed, though I didn't mean to be rude. It's the
most obvious question in the world. It's just that the answer is also
obvious, if difficult to understand. The part of my brain I would
ordinarily use to make judgments and draw conclusions is the very
part that's affected by this problem. I can't just don't-be-like-that
because my brain literally doesn't work that way.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible
of sorts for the study of the mind, compiling the sum total of human
understanding — such as it is — of psychiatry, includes a nine-point
checklist of characteristics that mark a person who may have a
borderline personality. I score eight out of nine. That's the best
score I've gotten on a test since high school.
Here's the bad news. My problem is essentially incurable. There's no
pill for it. There's no universally, or even widely, effective
combination of drugs and psychotherapy. I am extremely resistant to
therapy or counseling because I have such serious problems developing
trust. I am the best liar you've ever seen. On the worst day of my
life I can tell you I'm fine, even great, and make you believe it.
Because I'm so afraid you'll abandon me — where "you" is a friend,
lover or somebody trying to help — because you see me as different,
less normal, less whole, less … lovable.
Being the way I am has cost me nearly every job I've ever had. It's
cost me nearly every relationship, of any type, I've ever had. It's
gotten me into so much financial trouble that I can't even imagine,
much less see, a way out. It has, in a very real sense, ruined my
life. Sorry for the melodrama, but I'm just trying to explain this as
best I can.
I'd like to take a sidebar here and say that this is an extremely
difficult post to write. My curse, if I can be allowed a moment of
self-pity here, is that I've got this extremely serious and, yes,
life-threatening disorder of the brain, but I'm left aware and
rational enough to understand the stigma associated with it, and to
fear being treated as a disabled person rather than just as a person.
This, in a nutshell, fucking sucks.
So why am I doing this? Why am I "coming out" like this? The honest
answer is that I don't know what else to do any more. I've tried
everything I've ever known how to try. I've gone to the emergency
room seeking admission as a psychiatric inpatient. (I do not
recommend this, by the way, unless you think spending twelve hours
handcuffed to a chair next to a drooling meth addict is lots-o-
laffs.) I've attempted to confide in friends. I've been on drugs —
the prescription kind, I mean. I've seen therapists. I've even
prayed, back before the Almighty — if He even exists — stopped taking
my calls.
So now I'm screaming in the dark.
Maybe there's somebody out there. Maybe there's somebody out there
who's like me. Somebody who's learned to live and function with this
… ugh. This handicap, for lack of a better word. Maybe that person
will send me an e-mail with a magic incantation for surviving with
this.
Or maybe I'll be that person for somebody else. Maybe some twenty-
year-old girl is sitting out there right now, in the wee hours of a
Sunday morning, crying in her dorm room and wondering why she can't
be like everyone else. To that person, whomever and wherever you are,
I don't have any answers. I'm sorry. I don't really believe, deep
down, that anyone does. I probably can't be your friend, just like
you can't be mine. People like us can't really have friends, not in
the long run. But understand that you are not alone. I'm in this too.
Right there with you.
Maybe that'll help somebody.
I honestly don't know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
So what do I need? I honestly don't know. I need to feel like I
matter. Like the things I do have meaning. Like people are affected
by me in a positive way. I need constant reassurance. It's pretty
pathetic, really. Emotionally, I'm a lot like I child. I need
positive attention, and when I'm not getting it — even for just an
hour — I feel like I don't deserve it and will never have it again.
A defining characteristic of people like me is that we're incapable
of seeking positive attention in socially acceptable ways. "Hey, do
you wanna go see a movie?" is impossible for me, because all my brain
allows me to see are the obstacles in the way. Of course you don't
want to go see a movie with me. I'm a pain in the ass. I'm impossible
to be around. I react strangely — intensely positively or intensely
negatively — to anything that happens. Of course you don't want to
sit next to me in a dark movie theater for an hour and a half.
Obviously. And if you say no? If you're not interested in seeing a
movie, or you have other plans? Well, that just confirms everything I
suspected all along.
And dating? Please. Don't even talk to me about dating. Not an option.
This isn't my choice. It's how my brain works. And the fact that I'm
aware of it doesn't mean I can just make it stop, because the part of
my brain that I would otherwise use to make it stop is the part
that's malfunctioning. Being self-aware doesn't cure it. At best, it
mitigates it, and during the worst times it can't even do that.
So what do I need today, right now? I don't know that either. Today
is going to suck. Send me an e-mail. Leave a comment here. Tell me
you understand. Tell me you don't understand and ask me questions. If
you don't hear back from me in an hour, send me another e-mail and
say "Hey, asshole, write back to me." And keep doing it until I
believe that you actually give half a damn.
Or don't. Just go hug your kids or something. Tell them they're good,
and that you love them. Tell them that you love them even when you're
not telling them that you love them. Maybe by doing so — I have no
reason to believe this; I'm just making this up as I go — but maybe
by doing so, you'll prevent somebody else from growing up to be like
me.
Oh, found it: http://theshapeofdays.com/
Blog
Sunday, August 5, 2007, 8:12 am
How do you put a title on something like this?
For the past year and a bit, I've actively avoided writing anything
too personal on this Web site. Which is ironic, as it originally
started out as a sort of public diary. It was an outlet of sorts, a
place to write about stuff I couldn't talk to anyone about.
But with time, things changed. I gained a microscopic speck of
notoriety for some articles I published here back in the fall of
2004. The set of people who read this site and the set of people I
actually know in real life began to overlap. This site began to have
professional implications for me; I could conceivably get or lose
jobs because of this site.
So I clammed up. I stopped writing about my life and started writing
about things.
I can't do that any more. This morning I'm going to write a post that
I've been putting off writing for … god. For years and years. My
whole life, it seems.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Some of my friends know this already. Like, two of them. I think.
Others may have guessed. Most, particularly my casual acquaintances,
probably have no idea.
I have a mental illness. It's very serious.
It's called "borderline personality disorder." The reason they call
it "borderline" is because it's right there on the cusp between
normal and psychotic. Yeah, I said psychotic. Due to a brain defect
or malfunction, psychotic people perceive the world in a
fundamentally different way from normal people. Psychotic people
might hallucinate or they might not, but the defining characteristic
is what the doctors call a profound disconnect from reality. What
they think is going on isn't actually what's going on.
My problem — I don't have a good word for it; call it a disease,
handicap or disability and my eyes roll — my problem is a little
different from that. I also have a profound disconnect from reality.
But I'm aware that I have it. That's what puts me on the borderline,
rather that right in the middle of psychosis.
The defining characteristic of my whatever-you-want-to-call-it is an
inability to form and maintain normal human relationships. Romantic,
platonic, social, professional, whatever. I have a deep-seated fear
of abandonment. I often feel betrayed for no reason. I believe that I
am a worthless human being, and consequently doubt that anyone could
actually desire my company/love me/enjoy talking to me at a party, et
cetera. Out of fear of losing personal bonds, I push people away as a
defensive reaction. See, I think they're just going to abandon me
anyway, so fuck `em.
I go through periods of uncontrollable rage. That is to say, the rage
is uncontrollable. I get angry for no good reason, or at best for a
very, very insignificant reason, and it doesn't go away readily. I'm
not dangerous in any meaningful sense, at least not to others. But I
can be very difficult to be around.
My mood swings have been clocked as being faster than the speed of
sound. Believe me, if we could find a way to harness my mood swings,
we'd never have to burn a drop of oil again.
During times of extreme stress, I experience what the doctors call
dissociation. I sort of lose control of my thoughts and actions. I
see myself from the outside, with no conscious control over what I'm
saying. I find that I've said things I never meant to say, never
should have meant to say. It's an extremely difficult sensation to
describe, and an extremely unpleasant one to experience.
I was talking to a friend — one of the two people — recently. She
asked me, "If you realize this is going on, why can't you just not do
it?" I think I laughed, though I didn't mean to be rude. It's the
most obvious question in the world. It's just that the answer is also
obvious, if difficult to understand. The part of my brain I would
ordinarily use to make judgments and draw conclusions is the very
part that's affected by this problem. I can't just don't-be-like-that
because my brain literally doesn't work that way.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible
of sorts for the study of the mind, compiling the sum total of human
understanding — such as it is — of psychiatry, includes a nine-point
checklist of characteristics that mark a person who may have a
borderline personality. I score eight out of nine. That's the best
score I've gotten on a test since high school.
Here's the bad news. My problem is essentially incurable. There's no
pill for it. There's no universally, or even widely, effective
combination of drugs and psychotherapy. I am extremely resistant to
therapy or counseling because I have such serious problems developing
trust. I am the best liar you've ever seen. On the worst day of my
life I can tell you I'm fine, even great, and make you believe it.
Because I'm so afraid you'll abandon me — where "you" is a friend,
lover or somebody trying to help — because you see me as different,
less normal, less whole, less … lovable.
Being the way I am has cost me nearly every job I've ever had. It's
cost me nearly every relationship, of any type, I've ever had. It's
gotten me into so much financial trouble that I can't even imagine,
much less see, a way out. It has, in a very real sense, ruined my
life. Sorry for the melodrama, but I'm just trying to explain this as
best I can.
I'd like to take a sidebar here and say that this is an extremely
difficult post to write. My curse, if I can be allowed a moment of
self-pity here, is that I've got this extremely serious and, yes,
life-threatening disorder of the brain, but I'm left aware and
rational enough to understand the stigma associated with it, and to
fear being treated as a disabled person rather than just as a person.
This, in a nutshell, fucking sucks.
So why am I doing this? Why am I "coming out" like this? The honest
answer is that I don't know what else to do any more. I've tried
everything I've ever known how to try. I've gone to the emergency
room seeking admission as a psychiatric inpatient. (I do not
recommend this, by the way, unless you think spending twelve hours
handcuffed to a chair next to a drooling meth addict is lots-o-
laffs.) I've attempted to confide in friends. I've been on drugs —
the prescription kind, I mean. I've seen therapists. I've even
prayed, back before the Almighty — if He even exists — stopped taking
my calls.
So now I'm screaming in the dark.
Maybe there's somebody out there. Maybe there's somebody out there
who's like me. Somebody who's learned to live and function with this
… ugh. This handicap, for lack of a better word. Maybe that person
will send me an e-mail with a magic incantation for surviving with
this.
Or maybe I'll be that person for somebody else. Maybe some twenty-
year-old girl is sitting out there right now, in the wee hours of a
Sunday morning, crying in her dorm room and wondering why she can't
be like everyone else. To that person, whomever and wherever you are,
I don't have any answers. I'm sorry. I don't really believe, deep
down, that anyone does. I probably can't be your friend, just like
you can't be mine. People like us can't really have friends, not in
the long run. But understand that you are not alone. I'm in this too.
Right there with you.
Maybe that'll help somebody.
I honestly don't know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
So what do I need? I honestly don't know. I need to feel like I
matter. Like the things I do have meaning. Like people are affected
by me in a positive way. I need constant reassurance. It's pretty
pathetic, really. Emotionally, I'm a lot like I child. I need
positive attention, and when I'm not getting it — even for just an
hour — I feel like I don't deserve it and will never have it again.
A defining characteristic of people like me is that we're incapable
of seeking positive attention in socially acceptable ways. "Hey, do
you wanna go see a movie?" is impossible for me, because all my brain
allows me to see are the obstacles in the way. Of course you don't
want to go see a movie with me. I'm a pain in the ass. I'm impossible
to be around. I react strangely — intensely positively or intensely
negatively — to anything that happens. Of course you don't want to
sit next to me in a dark movie theater for an hour and a half.
Obviously. And if you say no? If you're not interested in seeing a
movie, or you have other plans? Well, that just confirms everything I
suspected all along.
And dating? Please. Don't even talk to me about dating. Not an option.
This isn't my choice. It's how my brain works. And the fact that I'm
aware of it doesn't mean I can just make it stop, because the part of
my brain that I would otherwise use to make it stop is the part
that's malfunctioning. Being self-aware doesn't cure it. At best, it
mitigates it, and during the worst times it can't even do that.
So what do I need today, right now? I don't know that either. Today
is going to suck. Send me an e-mail. Leave a comment here. Tell me
you understand. Tell me you don't understand and ask me questions. If
you don't hear back from me in an hour, send me another e-mail and
say "Hey, asshole, write back to me." And keep doing it until I
believe that you actually give half a damn.
Or don't. Just go hug your kids or something. Tell them they're good,
and that you love them. Tell them that you love them even when you're
not telling them that you love them. Maybe by doing so — I have no
reason to believe this; I'm just making this up as I go — but maybe
by doing so, you'll prevent somebody else from growing up to be like
me.
Monday, August 27, 2007
House key?!?!
One of the ridiculous exchanges tonight was over her demands that I tell her how to change the keypad # and to turn my house key over to her.
On the latter, I flat-out told her NO. I've half of the house, and I should have the resources necessary to enter or otherwise inspect the property.
the next a.m., I did help her try to reset the garage door code....
and I half offered to pass my key on to her sister....
On the latter, I flat-out told her NO. I've half of the house, and I should have the resources necessary to enter or otherwise inspect the property.
the next a.m., I did help her try to reset the garage door code....
and I half offered to pass my key on to her sister....
Such fun tonight
Well, I went over tonight -- supposed to be to go over some financial stuff and questions and to finish mowing the lawn...
Naturally, she had to start in on other stuff first. I kept trying to get to why I was there, but she had to carry on -- I frankly don't recall the details -- only that we didn't cover all that much of what I THOUGHT I was there for.
I did cover some important areas: the amount of $$ I've moved to joint accounts, per my records, the deposits into the stock account (and the lack of withdrawals thereof) as well as the current valuation (hey, looks like about an 8% return annually, and that's with the market low over the last few weeks.)
Anyway, I have a little recall of one stupid-ass thing she carried on about. Seems the nightstand area from my (former) side of the bed got all cleaned up. I recall doing it one day, but not when.... Well, SHE'S decided that I must have been in the house WITHOUT permission when I did that bit of cleanup.
I wasn't (but I don't really recall when I did clean it up). But, she's really convinced herself that the only explanation is that I was there when she wasn't and without her permission.
She's wrong, but can't seem to hear me explain otherwise. I haven't been in the house, or even on the premises without her approval ever since she demanded that.
Naturally, she had to start in on other stuff first. I kept trying to get to why I was there, but she had to carry on -- I frankly don't recall the details -- only that we didn't cover all that much of what I THOUGHT I was there for.
I did cover some important areas: the amount of $$ I've moved to joint accounts, per my records, the deposits into the stock account (and the lack of withdrawals thereof) as well as the current valuation (hey, looks like about an 8% return annually, and that's with the market low over the last few weeks.)
Anyway, I have a little recall of one stupid-ass thing she carried on about. Seems the nightstand area from my (former) side of the bed got all cleaned up. I recall doing it one day, but not when.... Well, SHE'S decided that I must have been in the house WITHOUT permission when I did that bit of cleanup.
I wasn't (but I don't really recall when I did clean it up). But, she's really convinced herself that the only explanation is that I was there when she wasn't and without her permission.
She's wrong, but can't seem to hear me explain otherwise. I haven't been in the house, or even on the premises without her approval ever since she demanded that.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Weird evening - weird take on a picture
M showed me a pic from 3 or 4 years back -- From left to right:
my dad, M, my older stepson's G.F. at the time, her dad, me, my mom.
My mom is clearly squeezing me and laying her head on my chest to show her continued affection after all these years.
M has a different take, and not for the first time offered an Oedipal opinion.
What a crock.
M keeps trying to claim that my mom and I are "too close" etc, etc,
She really got to outrageous when she called out the door, as I was leaving, "When your Dad dies, your MOM will be crawling into YOUR bed."
Amazingly offensive!
my dad, M, my older stepson's G.F. at the time, her dad, me, my mom.
My mom is clearly squeezing me and laying her head on my chest to show her continued affection after all these years.
M has a different take, and not for the first time offered an Oedipal opinion.
What a crock.
M keeps trying to claim that my mom and I are "too close" etc, etc,
She really got to outrageous when she called out the door, as I was leaving, "When your Dad dies, your MOM will be crawling into YOUR bed."
Amazingly offensive!
Contentious day
I had coffee and went over the Sunday paper and ads with M this a.m. at the coffee shop. Had lunch on my own, and headed out by about 1:00 to do some of my "duty" around the place. Was supposed to be soapmaking and cleaning junk out of the garage and basement.
But, after I got there and put a few things away, I asked, "What first? Soapmaking?"
M, "We need to chat." Not quite emphatically, but a little pushed. That was without forewarning or arrangement, so I reacted -- negatively, and showed my irritation with an "oh great" or some such, and put the deck chair down rather hard. Sat. Yes, I was clearly peeved.
That, of course, set her completely off and had her way up on the rage and anger scale. Pretty much lasted the whole day, although some ended up more passive than aggressive.
Too, too typical. Ultimately it became obvious that the important issue was having some kind of additional con con about finances. I finally set that for tomorrow after work. That way I KNOW IN ADVANCE!!
But, after I got there and put a few things away, I asked, "What first? Soapmaking?"
M, "We need to chat." Not quite emphatically, but a little pushed. That was without forewarning or arrangement, so I reacted -- negatively, and showed my irritation with an "oh great" or some such, and put the deck chair down rather hard. Sat. Yes, I was clearly peeved.
That, of course, set her completely off and had her way up on the rage and anger scale. Pretty much lasted the whole day, although some ended up more passive than aggressive.
Too, too typical. Ultimately it became obvious that the important issue was having some kind of additional con con about finances. I finally set that for tomorrow after work. That way I KNOW IN ADVANCE!!
Afraid of your partner (msg from online support group)
From my online support group:
I don't think that's weird to feel afraid of your bp! It is normal
to fear being hurt. And MB you hit the nail on the head "what kind
of a relationship is that if you're actually scared of your partner?"
It is an unhealthy relationship! In my opinion, I think we all want
to be loved and accepted and cared about - and a bp can't do that for
us because they can only care about themselves; I think they have no
other way to live with themselves and what they've done to us but to
walk away (too much shame & guilt?)
We nons walked into a relationship with a person we THOUGHT was able
to reciprocate - and it wasn't until after they'd repeatedly hurt us
and we went so long without our emotional needs being met that we lost
ourselves in the process. NOW the journey for us nons is to recover
ourselves - find our way onto a path of healing, education (SWOE) and
rediscovery of our 'little child' so that we can approach life and
another partner (possibly) with a healthy, strong and overflowing with
love heart.
Here is a (HUG) for all who are hurting today....
I don't think that's weird to feel afraid of your bp! It is normal
to fear being hurt. And MB you hit the nail on the head "what kind
of a relationship is that if you're actually scared of your partner?"
It is an unhealthy relationship! In my opinion, I think we all want
to be loved and accepted and cared about - and a bp can't do that for
us because they can only care about themselves; I think they have no
other way to live with themselves and what they've done to us but to
walk away (too much shame & guilt?)
We nons walked into a relationship with a person we THOUGHT was able
to reciprocate - and it wasn't until after they'd repeatedly hurt us
and we went so long without our emotional needs being met that we lost
ourselves in the process. NOW the journey for us nons is to recover
ourselves - find our way onto a path of healing, education (SWOE) and
rediscovery of our 'little child' so that we can approach life and
another partner (possibly) with a healthy, strong and overflowing with
love heart.
Here is a (HUG) for all who are hurting today....
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Wavering
I am really wavering about the continual interactions that working around the house, preparing product for craft shows, doing the shows, and all that is going to entail.
I don't find her getting terribly reasonable... she's really getting quite nasty about the financial side of things. She's also managed to pretty well offend her sister and so on.
She's become so difficult so much that I'm tempted to tell her "Look, we can only deal in writing or in public places."
I had been willing to help with the craft show stuff out of concern and continued "rescuing" no doubt. Been trying to "be noble" and put her in as good a position as I can while being fair to myself.
But, it's not fair to me to tolerate so much abusive interaction with her. And, of course, when I react in kind -- then I'M the one being nasty or having an attitude, etc, etc, etc....
Getting old really quick!!
I don't find her getting terribly reasonable... she's really getting quite nasty about the financial side of things. She's also managed to pretty well offend her sister and so on.
She's become so difficult so much that I'm tempted to tell her "Look, we can only deal in writing or in public places."
I had been willing to help with the craft show stuff out of concern and continued "rescuing" no doubt. Been trying to "be noble" and put her in as good a position as I can while being fair to myself.
But, it's not fair to me to tolerate so much abusive interaction with her. And, of course, when I react in kind -- then I'M the one being nasty or having an attitude, etc, etc, etc....
Getting old really quick!!
Poor, poor M #2
So, I was SUPPOSED to run out and take her to the furniture store (reluctantly) this a.m.. Good sale. Great opportunity to replace the furniture she HATES so much (at my expense, I'm sure). BUT, the power is still out, so she had a terrible attitude. All bristly and angry. More than I was really willing to tolerate by much. But, I made the offer anyway. She refused -- won't go out without a shower, etc.... Not a sponge bath. Just gonna hang around in her PJs feeling sorry for her lot in life.
Poor poor M.
So, I did the only practical thing I was really there for: unloaded the freezers and dumped the "trash" items from the good ones, and brought the freezer stuff that's good over to my apartment and put that stuff in my freezer.
All I can do for now.
Poor poor M.
So, I did the only practical thing I was really there for: unloaded the freezers and dumped the "trash" items from the good ones, and brought the freezer stuff that's good over to my apartment and put that stuff in my freezer.
All I can do for now.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Poor, poor M
Electricity is out at the house, again. Storm. Second time this week and she is climbing the walls. OUTRAGED that I didn't come out there to sit around in the dark with her.
Demanded I get a hotel room for her, then refused to go when I booked it.
More interested in blaming and engaging me negatively.
But I bought into very little of it.
But, she IS pissing me off in a pretty big way at this point.
After last night, where she upbraided me and accused and carried on, then settled, then promised she wasn't going to call my phone continously.... and then did so....
Yeah. I'm just a little pissed off at this point.
And, she expects me to put it ALL ASIDE and go and buy new living room furniture tomorrow.
Beyond belief.
Demanded I get a hotel room for her, then refused to go when I booked it.
More interested in blaming and engaging me negatively.
But I bought into very little of it.
But, she IS pissing me off in a pretty big way at this point.
After last night, where she upbraided me and accused and carried on, then settled, then promised she wasn't going to call my phone continously.... and then did so....
Yeah. I'm just a little pissed off at this point.
And, she expects me to put it ALL ASIDE and go and buy new living room furniture tomorrow.
Beyond belief.
typical phone calling pattern
Well, one of the last things she said to me, I think on the phone just after I pulled out of the driveway last night (and after we were "back on friendly terms" after her lengthy diatribes), she said, "I'm not going to call you continuously tonight... but I just needed to tell you this one more thing.... yadayadayada"
Well, surprise, surprise. Call log shows like 9 calls from her between midnight and 1:30 or so. Another this a.m. around 6.
And I'm supposed to believe that if I lived out there in the other room, the "apartment" to be, etc, etc, that she would leave me be and not harass me. That's really difficult to swallow.
Well, surprise, surprise. Call log shows like 9 calls from her between midnight and 1:30 or so. Another this a.m. around 6.
And I'm supposed to believe that if I lived out there in the other room, the "apartment" to be, etc, etc, that she would leave me be and not harass me. That's really difficult to swallow.
Continual acting out
Last night, I went to the house "as planned" but it was too hot to do soap making. Instead, she took the opportunity to harass me greatly about more financial stuff. More accusations. More demands. More threats.
It ended up being the usual cycle, where she had to blow and blow and blow -- including legal threats.
Anyway, the latest wrinkle on that front was that she's claiming the lawyer family friend has agreed to represent her for free, and she (don't know about him) is now trying to pursue all these claims on a "partnership" or "business partner" basis.
It's nonsense, and I don't believe they'd get anywhere. OTOH, I have to think about the variety of ways she might use and misconstrue any further info I give her, compared to the wrongheaded conclusions she's coming up with on her own.
Oh, and more about how "You can't deduct ALL the interest on the house if you're NOT living in it." (never mind I've not changed my legal residence, and can certainly construe that I'm living temporarily elsewhere...." )
And never mind that if SS or the Disability Co were to examine HER situation, they'd very likely cut her off and hold that she'd been malingering for some time....
I really don't think a pissing match is all that useful.
It ended up being the usual cycle, where she had to blow and blow and blow -- including legal threats.
Anyway, the latest wrinkle on that front was that she's claiming the lawyer family friend has agreed to represent her for free, and she (don't know about him) is now trying to pursue all these claims on a "partnership" or "business partner" basis.
It's nonsense, and I don't believe they'd get anywhere. OTOH, I have to think about the variety of ways she might use and misconstrue any further info I give her, compared to the wrongheaded conclusions she's coming up with on her own.
Oh, and more about how "You can't deduct ALL the interest on the house if you're NOT living in it." (never mind I've not changed my legal residence, and can certainly construe that I'm living temporarily elsewhere...." )
And never mind that if SS or the Disability Co were to examine HER situation, they'd very likely cut her off and hold that she'd been malingering for some time....
I really don't think a pissing match is all that useful.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Facinating date possiblity
I've developed a really good supportive friend with a woman I have been in leadership with in our parent organization. She's trying to be my "life" and "dating"coach as I go through this transitional stage I am going through.
But, here's where it get's interesting. She is ALL that M is not. Whole, in and of herself. Emotionally healthy, I'm pretty sure. Independent as all get out. Her own woman. In fact, in a very real way, in her world (a city an hour from me) she's "larger than life."
There are definitely some aspects of getting involved with her that are daunting. One will know exactly where one stands with her, I'm sure. She's real comfortable telling someone to fuck off!
Anyway, as we've talked and shared and begun to really get to know each other, I'm trying to be careful not to jump to any conclusions or suppositions.... But, it really has become apparent that she's a little attracted to me, as I am to her.
She's also scared to get back into the dating game, and a little self-doubtful about her prospects and / or having "a bad track record" with relationships.
In a number of ways, I noticed a ways back that she'd been really trying to carefully direct my prospective dating thoughts ELSEWHERE. ("I'm 55" she'll say. "You need a woman who's like 45 and...."
Anyway, she is a super strong woman, yet I heard some interesting vulnerability tonight. Plainly trying to be careful to be a friend and a support, but not get into a situation where she might get burned, etc.
So, for my part, I told her, "Look, I'm in a transition. I need to get healthy in and of myself before I start trying to date anyone....."
I also explained the "bugaboo" I tend to have in making good, close friends with a woman and then being unwilling to take the chance of fucking up the friendship by introducing the weird dynamics of dating and romance.
I told her I don't know where that may lead, in regards to her. But for now, I was going to treasure this close supportive friendship, and I'll worry about the other possibility in good time.
And, I also let her know I already realized a while back she's a bit scared of getting involved / dating again..... She was actually kind of floored. "How did you know that?" I just told her that I read people really well.
The real truth of it is that I've picked up on her being interested / attracted. And, I've also observed that she's been trying to "redirect" thoughts and plans that I might have regarding dating and involvements -- away from her, and toward theoretical "others".
Anyway, bottom line is she's attracted to me and actively trying support me and NOT go beyond that for now.....
But, here's where it get's interesting. She is ALL that M is not. Whole, in and of herself. Emotionally healthy, I'm pretty sure. Independent as all get out. Her own woman. In fact, in a very real way, in her world (a city an hour from me) she's "larger than life."
There are definitely some aspects of getting involved with her that are daunting. One will know exactly where one stands with her, I'm sure. She's real comfortable telling someone to fuck off!
Anyway, as we've talked and shared and begun to really get to know each other, I'm trying to be careful not to jump to any conclusions or suppositions.... But, it really has become apparent that she's a little attracted to me, as I am to her.
She's also scared to get back into the dating game, and a little self-doubtful about her prospects and / or having "a bad track record" with relationships.
In a number of ways, I noticed a ways back that she'd been really trying to carefully direct my prospective dating thoughts ELSEWHERE. ("I'm 55" she'll say. "You need a woman who's like 45 and...."
Anyway, she is a super strong woman, yet I heard some interesting vulnerability tonight. Plainly trying to be careful to be a friend and a support, but not get into a situation where she might get burned, etc.
So, for my part, I told her, "Look, I'm in a transition. I need to get healthy in and of myself before I start trying to date anyone....."
I also explained the "bugaboo" I tend to have in making good, close friends with a woman and then being unwilling to take the chance of fucking up the friendship by introducing the weird dynamics of dating and romance.
I told her I don't know where that may lead, in regards to her. But for now, I was going to treasure this close supportive friendship, and I'll worry about the other possibility in good time.
And, I also let her know I already realized a while back she's a bit scared of getting involved / dating again..... She was actually kind of floored. "How did you know that?" I just told her that I read people really well.
The real truth of it is that I've picked up on her being interested / attracted. And, I've also observed that she's been trying to "redirect" thoughts and plans that I might have regarding dating and involvements -- away from her, and toward theoretical "others".
Anyway, bottom line is she's attracted to me and actively trying support me and NOT go beyond that for now.....
Monday, August 20, 2007
What to make of some of this
Well, yesterday, she spewed and spewed, then settled down and we had a civil afternoon and dinner. The day started out harsh because her kid had had a minor spinout accident that really screwed up his girlfriend's car, and his head. Mom had to go pick him up and the whole thing got her quite rattled.
When I went out to the house, she had lots of venom and carrying on.... as I said.
Tonight was similar. I had intended to go out for a short time, but she had to fuss and complain and prattle about lots of things. She especially got torqued off about looking back at old C.U. statements and finding that I spent nearly $500 at the strip club last year when she was out of town...
But, interestingly, once she got done spewing and carrying on, she settled into a more civil exchange... then got horny and expressed a desire. Another "NSA" offer. THIS time with a clear understanding that she NOT EVER allow physical discomfort during sex to occur without any communication to deal with it.
So, we did make some very very nice love. Appears to be she is finding a comfort level with being at least occasional lover (fuck buddies?)
I also during the evening before, mentioned that rhetorically, I had to wonder about how it would work if we were living in the same house, as roomies (as she advocates) and either of us started getting involved with other people....
She didn't know, although she later mentioned that there are LOTS of things about the house and household that demand attention (implication being: who will have time for others...?)
Anyway, this time I really do thing the lovemaking was comfortable, exciting and will be a good memory as opposed to what some of the memories have been.
When I went out to the house, she had lots of venom and carrying on.... as I said.
Tonight was similar. I had intended to go out for a short time, but she had to fuss and complain and prattle about lots of things. She especially got torqued off about looking back at old C.U. statements and finding that I spent nearly $500 at the strip club last year when she was out of town...
But, interestingly, once she got done spewing and carrying on, she settled into a more civil exchange... then got horny and expressed a desire. Another "NSA" offer. THIS time with a clear understanding that she NOT EVER allow physical discomfort during sex to occur without any communication to deal with it.
So, we did make some very very nice love. Appears to be she is finding a comfort level with being at least occasional lover (fuck buddies?)
I also during the evening before, mentioned that rhetorically, I had to wonder about how it would work if we were living in the same house, as roomies (as she advocates) and either of us started getting involved with other people....
She didn't know, although she later mentioned that there are LOTS of things about the house and household that demand attention (implication being: who will have time for others...?)
Anyway, this time I really do thing the lovemaking was comfortable, exciting and will be a good memory as opposed to what some of the memories have been.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Today - just plain weird
Journaling about today while it's fresh enough in my mind.
Usual VM and text messages waiting this a.m.
Telephone conversations - nondescript as far as I recall, except the one where she asked me to run by and check out the dogs at the pound.... Odd.
When I got out to the house, she was clearly depressed and dysfunctional. Laying about in bed. Looking somewhat physically ill, but apparently it's primarily emotional dysfunction. No surprise.
I had to go round with her just a little, but got her to back down some as I pointed out I had to either do what I was around the house for, or argue with her or go back to my apartment. I finally went on to my business.
I should add that she talked to her sis just before I got there, bitching and moaning about me not being out yet, etc, etc.
But, not long after I started, by maybe 1:00p, she had come down for a moment, poured herself a tall Black Russian. And proceeded to tell me that there "is just no talking with you...."
I worked in the yard for the remainder of the p.m. without incident.
Later in the afternoon, she talked to me about the next-door neighbor lady, filing for divorce, who needs a good job. Wanted me to watch postings.
I went out and finished what I was doing, and when I came back in she was talking to sis again. About 15 minutes later she finished, got off the phone, and AGAIN, asked me to watch for postings for the neighbor lady. She clearly already had no memory of the previous conversation.
The reason was clarified when I talked with her sis shortly after. Sis told me that she noted in her conversation with M that she was talking with a great deal of slur, so she asked outright, "Marilyn, have you been drinking a lot or something, because you're slurring and very hard to understand." M told sis, NO (not quite true) but that she'd taken an Ambien. Sis said, "Isn't that to make you sleep? " "Yes". "then why aren't you sleeping?"
Meanwhile, afterwards, M and I had to have another round -- over I don't know what. Partly about the play tonight (she clearly wasn't up to going out).
After I left, I hadn't gotten to the end of the drive before she was ringing my cell phone. Had many other calls as well before she quit. All kinds of crap.
Then, last to note, about 7:40p, she sent a nice lovey text message. But, by an hour later, she was back to sending pissy ones.
All quite predictable.
Usual VM and text messages waiting this a.m.
Telephone conversations - nondescript as far as I recall, except the one where she asked me to run by and check out the dogs at the pound.... Odd.
When I got out to the house, she was clearly depressed and dysfunctional. Laying about in bed. Looking somewhat physically ill, but apparently it's primarily emotional dysfunction. No surprise.
I had to go round with her just a little, but got her to back down some as I pointed out I had to either do what I was around the house for, or argue with her or go back to my apartment. I finally went on to my business.
I should add that she talked to her sis just before I got there, bitching and moaning about me not being out yet, etc, etc.
But, not long after I started, by maybe 1:00p, she had come down for a moment, poured herself a tall Black Russian. And proceeded to tell me that there "is just no talking with you...."
I worked in the yard for the remainder of the p.m. without incident.
Later in the afternoon, she talked to me about the next-door neighbor lady, filing for divorce, who needs a good job. Wanted me to watch postings.
I went out and finished what I was doing, and when I came back in she was talking to sis again. About 15 minutes later she finished, got off the phone, and AGAIN, asked me to watch for postings for the neighbor lady. She clearly already had no memory of the previous conversation.
The reason was clarified when I talked with her sis shortly after. Sis told me that she noted in her conversation with M that she was talking with a great deal of slur, so she asked outright, "Marilyn, have you been drinking a lot or something, because you're slurring and very hard to understand." M told sis, NO (not quite true) but that she'd taken an Ambien. Sis said, "Isn't that to make you sleep? " "Yes". "then why aren't you sleeping?"
Meanwhile, afterwards, M and I had to have another round -- over I don't know what. Partly about the play tonight (she clearly wasn't up to going out).
After I left, I hadn't gotten to the end of the drive before she was ringing my cell phone. Had many other calls as well before she quit. All kinds of crap.
Then, last to note, about 7:40p, she sent a nice lovey text message. But, by an hour later, she was back to sending pissy ones.
All quite predictable.
Metaphysical casts
Well, once in a while I'm in the mood and I cast the healing runes and / or Angels Oracle cards. Yesterday before leaving to meet M, I did both.
Interesting casts.
Runes first:
Body = Patience
Mind = Anger
Spirit = Gratitude (inverted, but not isn't supposed to have meaning with these runes).
The reading seems to indicate that as someone who shows endless patience for others, it is time to show patience for myself. The starting place for healing and recovery is always the self. Take time to give myself patience. Be grateful for my progress along the path of growh and healing. "This too shall pass" is another part. Lastly, patience has its healthy limits. If in your present situation you have been patient too long, then Patience is no longer a virtue. Amen!! says I.
For the mind - Anger, the challenge is to take that powerful energy and treat it as an ally in healing -- a wake-up call for change. It also indicates it is time to let go of anger, but even more, to give up the old and wait patiently for the new to be revealed in its proper time. Don't grudge the anger, but see if you can find a safe passage that leads from the present situation to a place of harmony and peace.
Spirit - Gratitude -- Be grateful to find yourself in the company of peopoe who are supportive of your life. Count your blessings. If you are beginning to heal, be thankful that you have begun. Live in gratitude and quiet joy. From deep within, know Gratitude for having survived the anguish of the past. And for each daily victory.
The Angel Oracle was equally interesting!
3 card cast, Past, Present, Future.
Past - Signs -- the angels are trying (or have been) to get my attention -- one has asked for a sign and they've been trying to deliver it. Trust the signs.
Present - Manifestation -- "You have manifested new opportunities and abundance." The rewards you hope for -- feelings of peace, security, and happiness -- are manifested exactly as you requested. Have faith in your ability to manifest.
Future - Listening -- "You are in communication with your angels. And the messages that you are receiving are very real indeed. Trust them." This card is a validation that you are hearing. Listen and trust. Give up your doubts and worries to divine guidance.
To me, the Angel oracle and the runes are both confirming that I have struck out on the right path. Difficult as it will be to follow at times. It is the right way and the right thing.
Interesting casts.
Runes first:
Body = Patience
Mind = Anger
Spirit = Gratitude (inverted, but not isn't supposed to have meaning with these runes).
The reading seems to indicate that as someone who shows endless patience for others, it is time to show patience for myself. The starting place for healing and recovery is always the self. Take time to give myself patience. Be grateful for my progress along the path of growh and healing. "This too shall pass" is another part. Lastly, patience has its healthy limits. If in your present situation you have been patient too long, then Patience is no longer a virtue. Amen!! says I.
For the mind - Anger, the challenge is to take that powerful energy and treat it as an ally in healing -- a wake-up call for change. It also indicates it is time to let go of anger, but even more, to give up the old and wait patiently for the new to be revealed in its proper time. Don't grudge the anger, but see if you can find a safe passage that leads from the present situation to a place of harmony and peace.
Spirit - Gratitude -- Be grateful to find yourself in the company of peopoe who are supportive of your life. Count your blessings. If you are beginning to heal, be thankful that you have begun. Live in gratitude and quiet joy. From deep within, know Gratitude for having survived the anguish of the past. And for each daily victory.
The Angel Oracle was equally interesting!
3 card cast, Past, Present, Future.
Past - Signs -- the angels are trying (or have been) to get my attention -- one has asked for a sign and they've been trying to deliver it. Trust the signs.
Present - Manifestation -- "You have manifested new opportunities and abundance." The rewards you hope for -- feelings of peace, security, and happiness -- are manifested exactly as you requested. Have faith in your ability to manifest.
Future - Listening -- "You are in communication with your angels. And the messages that you are receiving are very real indeed. Trust them." This card is a validation that you are hearing. Listen and trust. Give up your doubts and worries to divine guidance.
To me, the Angel oracle and the runes are both confirming that I have struck out on the right path. Difficult as it will be to follow at times. It is the right way and the right thing.
Last couple days
were interesting and predictable.
Thursday, M called me in the p.m. with a "proposition" to go to a benefit concert as friends who both would enjoy the broadway music. Well, it turned out to be movie music, lots of love songs, most of which we have a history with -- with mucked with her emotions!! On the 40 minute drive home, she said, "I want you to know this wasn't bad, but it was hard. ". The prefix to going out was a light supper and attempts by her to engage me in questions that should not have been put considering it was supposed to be entirely friendly and social. I got frustrated but not angry. Afterward we shared some sparkling wine without much incident.
Yesterday a.m., she'd left two pleasant voicemails wishing me well. So, I called her on my way to work (trying to apply her advice that a little light contact is better than cutting her off -- which tends to result in her acting out compulsively with excessive phone attempts and such). Well, my friendly call back to her ended up clearly being a mistake because she couldn't resist but to start poking her head into things she shouldn't. When I started to react and wanted her to back off, she kept on -- which put me in a very sour and angry mood. Then my phone battery died, so she thought I hung up on her.... etc, etc.
Made for a very tense start of the day. I did manage to call her back later about something else without a lot of tension or incident.
But, again, my mistake, she had mentioned being in town in the late p.m., so maybe we could get together briefly. So as my day came to a close, I called her. Well, she was in a really really bad mood, was poor company. Clearly struggling with the new realities (no surprise, that).
I told her outright that if she didn't feel like getting together after all, she should have just said so. After I finally left, she did phone and leave me apologies, although with a complaint about how apologizing seems to be all she'd done all day long. Somehow that tempers the sincerity.
Thursday, M called me in the p.m. with a "proposition" to go to a benefit concert as friends who both would enjoy the broadway music. Well, it turned out to be movie music, lots of love songs, most of which we have a history with -- with mucked with her emotions!! On the 40 minute drive home, she said, "I want you to know this wasn't bad, but it was hard. ". The prefix to going out was a light supper and attempts by her to engage me in questions that should not have been put considering it was supposed to be entirely friendly and social. I got frustrated but not angry. Afterward we shared some sparkling wine without much incident.
Yesterday a.m., she'd left two pleasant voicemails wishing me well. So, I called her on my way to work (trying to apply her advice that a little light contact is better than cutting her off -- which tends to result in her acting out compulsively with excessive phone attempts and such). Well, my friendly call back to her ended up clearly being a mistake because she couldn't resist but to start poking her head into things she shouldn't. When I started to react and wanted her to back off, she kept on -- which put me in a very sour and angry mood. Then my phone battery died, so she thought I hung up on her.... etc, etc.
Made for a very tense start of the day. I did manage to call her back later about something else without a lot of tension or incident.
But, again, my mistake, she had mentioned being in town in the late p.m., so maybe we could get together briefly. So as my day came to a close, I called her. Well, she was in a really really bad mood, was poor company. Clearly struggling with the new realities (no surprise, that).
I told her outright that if she didn't feel like getting together after all, she should have just said so. After I finally left, she did phone and leave me apologies, although with a complaint about how apologizing seems to be all she'd done all day long. Somehow that tempers the sincerity.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Frustrating but not surprising
Color me frustrated but not surprised. As I posted here last week, I've moved out and into my own place. Predictable reactions from my STBX. I actually ended up early in the game having to have her picked up into protective custody and evaluated as far as mental illness and danger to herself by the community mental health people.
Since that "shock", she briefly turned around and we had a civil, even cordial weekend....
BUT, I've frankly made a point of NOT engaging in some of the "expected" behaviors and responses. For instance, yesterday I saw her or heard from her 3 times, all of which were civil enough, I think. The last contact was when she called to offer me the use of our jacuzzi tub at the house (I strained some muscles Sunday)... .which I thanked her for, and then proceeded NOT to do.
She, predictably, is trying to initiate / promote as much interaction and engagement with me as possible. I recognize the behaviors and am trying really hard to ONLY take care of vital business. (We own a house together and a business, so I may have no choice in some matters but to be in her neck of the woods, etc, etc).
While predictable, it is frustrating as hell!!
Today as been terribly tense. No surprise there. I was SUPPOSED to go over and mow the lawn and take some minor inventory. BUT, a friend called me last night and invited me to dinner tonight. Right now, I'd rather go where the SUPPORT is, rather than keep putting myself in jeopardy of either an argument or of hoovering.
I know many advocate having NO contact once you leave the relationship.... Well, while I'm trying to be as civil as I can be, she may rapidly force me to take a hard line.
Gee, wouldn't that be just too bad!!
Since that "shock", she briefly turned around and we had a civil, even cordial weekend....
BUT, I've frankly made a point of NOT engaging in some of the "expected" behaviors and responses. For instance, yesterday I saw her or heard from her 3 times, all of which were civil enough, I think. The last contact was when she called to offer me the use of our jacuzzi tub at the house (I strained some muscles Sunday)... .which I thanked her for, and then proceeded NOT to do.
She, predictably, is trying to initiate / promote as much interaction and engagement with me as possible. I recognize the behaviors and am trying really hard to ONLY take care of vital business. (We own a house together and a business, so I may have no choice in some matters but to be in her neck of the woods, etc, etc).
While predictable, it is frustrating as hell!!
Today as been terribly tense. No surprise there. I was SUPPOSED to go over and mow the lawn and take some minor inventory. BUT, a friend called me last night and invited me to dinner tonight. Right now, I'd rather go where the SUPPORT is, rather than keep putting myself in jeopardy of either an argument or of hoovering.
I know many advocate having NO contact once you leave the relationship.... Well, while I'm trying to be as civil as I can be, she may rapidly force me to take a hard line.
Gee, wouldn't that be just too bad!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Gotta get used to it
Gotta get used to setting up my own house and being on my own time and direction....
will be a little weird.
will be a little weird.
Her hope -- Controlled Separation
By the time I was back out to the house on Sat at 10a as I agreed (post-evaluation as well), M had hauled out our copies of "Should I Stay or Should I Go". A book about "Controlled Separation" where a couple separates with specific understandings and rules and such (like how much they will / will not see each other, whether either will date, how long the "trial separation" will go before a "redetermination" about the continued need.... etc.
I knew what she was doing.....
She also used the opportunity that I (perhaps foolishly) provided by being there and agreeing to take her to the grocery, as she is still a bit hobbled and all, to interact with me in a more intimate conversational way -- covering a lot of ground she'd wanted to for some time, and ending up with her feeling listened to, etc, etc....
All in all, the overall weekend ended up quite cordial -- although with many admonitions from me about "not setting any precedents" and that sort of thing.
She even deeply desired and initiated a round of NSA sex. Which I relented about, as her previous memory of "the last time" was one I wanted to replace.....
I knew what she was doing.....
She also used the opportunity that I (perhaps foolishly) provided by being there and agreeing to take her to the grocery, as she is still a bit hobbled and all, to interact with me in a more intimate conversational way -- covering a lot of ground she'd wanted to for some time, and ending up with her feeling listened to, etc, etc....
All in all, the overall weekend ended up quite cordial -- although with many admonitions from me about "not setting any precedents" and that sort of thing.
She even deeply desired and initiated a round of NSA sex. Which I relented about, as her previous memory of "the last time" was one I wanted to replace.....
Friday
Catch up entry
Friday early, early a.m., M apparently talked near-suicidal stuff with the boy in AZ, and HE called the Sheriff dept here to check on her.
The deputies showed up while she was on the phone with her sis, whom earlier in the conversation, had also been treated to suicidal talk (sis was quite upset).
Meanwhile, after M successfully dealt with the deputies and sent them away -- she continued to leave troubled / troubling voicemails for me through the mid-day -- approaching suicidal in tone and message.
SOOO, I ended up by mid-p.m. at Community Mental Health and at court to pursue an order(s) regarding a "Person Requiring Treatment" as well as a supplemental order for the immediate situation to have law enforcement take M into protective custody and to CMH for immediate assessment.
Of course, the trouble with doing that with a BPD person, esp. one so high functioning as M, is that once the alcohol and/or drugs are out of the system, they present really well.
She was picked up by about 7:30p, and returned home by 2:20 a.m.
But, the break gave me an opportunity to pack up more clothes and other precious items, as well as to locate the various items she had appropriated -- including the checks she stole while dysphoric and acting out.
The whole thing, by Saturday into the day, did a lot to turn her thinking around for awhile, as we ended up with lots of talk and being quite cordial through Sat p.m. and evening. Right down to having some great break-up sex.
Friday early, early a.m., M apparently talked near-suicidal stuff with the boy in AZ, and HE called the Sheriff dept here to check on her.
The deputies showed up while she was on the phone with her sis, whom earlier in the conversation, had also been treated to suicidal talk (sis was quite upset).
Meanwhile, after M successfully dealt with the deputies and sent them away -- she continued to leave troubled / troubling voicemails for me through the mid-day -- approaching suicidal in tone and message.
SOOO, I ended up by mid-p.m. at Community Mental Health and at court to pursue an order(s) regarding a "Person Requiring Treatment" as well as a supplemental order for the immediate situation to have law enforcement take M into protective custody and to CMH for immediate assessment.
Of course, the trouble with doing that with a BPD person, esp. one so high functioning as M, is that once the alcohol and/or drugs are out of the system, they present really well.
She was picked up by about 7:30p, and returned home by 2:20 a.m.
But, the break gave me an opportunity to pack up more clothes and other precious items, as well as to locate the various items she had appropriated -- including the checks she stole while dysphoric and acting out.
The whole thing, by Saturday into the day, did a lot to turn her thinking around for awhile, as we ended up with lots of talk and being quite cordial through Sat p.m. and evening. Right down to having some great break-up sex.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
What a day
What a day. What a day.
Of course, M has been every bit as volatile as expected. Even went beyond the pale in ways that surprise all of us (her sis, her son, and me.)
He son had borrowed my truck. In her "anguish" she called and asked him to come out to the house. Well, long story short, turns out (per a conversation she later had with her sis) that while the truck was out at the house and J was napping or not paying attention (and being in the country, hadn't locked the truck).... seems M did some thorough snooping.
Found and copied my lease agreement. Found notes on a yellow sheet that she presumes include a possible address for me (actually, it shows the addresses of my landlord....) and a name of a female union member that had called me (being female.... well, you know where HER head went).
She also took the extra key that was in the console.
Worst of all, (and this vindictiveness surprised her sis) she apparently found my check book and took "random checks."
I've warned the boy, seeing as after I "discover" the theft, the only obvious suspects are him or his mother.... well, I'm inclined to stop by the sheriff's dept tomorrow and at least fill out a report....
Oh, and supposedly she's got a locksmith from a nearby little town coming out to change the locks.....
Almost, but not quite, unbelievable.
Of course, M has been every bit as volatile as expected. Even went beyond the pale in ways that surprise all of us (her sis, her son, and me.)
He son had borrowed my truck. In her "anguish" she called and asked him to come out to the house. Well, long story short, turns out (per a conversation she later had with her sis) that while the truck was out at the house and J was napping or not paying attention (and being in the country, hadn't locked the truck).... seems M did some thorough snooping.
Found and copied my lease agreement. Found notes on a yellow sheet that she presumes include a possible address for me (actually, it shows the addresses of my landlord....) and a name of a female union member that had called me (being female.... well, you know where HER head went).
She also took the extra key that was in the console.
Worst of all, (and this vindictiveness surprised her sis) she apparently found my check book and took "random checks."
I've warned the boy, seeing as after I "discover" the theft, the only obvious suspects are him or his mother.... well, I'm inclined to stop by the sheriff's dept tomorrow and at least fill out a report....
Oh, and supposedly she's got a locksmith from a nearby little town coming out to change the locks.....
Almost, but not quite, unbelievable.
BPD love? probably not
another astute observation posted on the online support group:
Love to a BPD is not an emotion or feeling, but is their playing a
role (mimicing) of what they have been taught or have seen to be
"love". The only emotion the BPD feels is a sense of elation that
their abandonment fears are quelled - but this elation is only
temporary, as once anything a non may do that may cause the BPD to
believe that abandonment may occur (for example, the non does not
agree with everything the BPD says), the BPD's elation will turn to
rage or detachment, and they will split. A holiday or job loss can
also cause the BPD to split and turn against the non. The BPD must
live in a very coddled world where nothing ever changes. They are
emotional infants. They are fakers, and cannot feel love; they exibit
loving traits to reel in another lover to keep the BPD from being
alone and facing their BPD internal emptiness. Components of love are
trust and respect - your BPD probably appeared to not trust or respect
you after the initial glow of elation/infatuation
faded. That's your answer. That was not love, but dependency on the
BPD's part. For you to ask this question means that you have
compromised your values, and settled for less than love. You have to
re-establish your own boundaries after you have been through the
torment of loving a BPD.
Love to a BPD is not an emotion or feeling, but is their playing a
role (mimicing) of what they have been taught or have seen to be
"love". The only emotion the BPD feels is a sense of elation that
their abandonment fears are quelled - but this elation is only
temporary, as once anything a non may do that may cause the BPD to
believe that abandonment may occur (for example, the non does not
agree with everything the BPD says), the BPD's elation will turn to
rage or detachment, and they will split. A holiday or job loss can
also cause the BPD to split and turn against the non. The BPD must
live in a very coddled world where nothing ever changes. They are
emotional infants. They are fakers, and cannot feel love; they exibit
loving traits to reel in another lover to keep the BPD from being
alone and facing their BPD internal emptiness. Components of love are
trust and respect - your BPD probably appeared to not trust or respect
you after the initial glow of elation/infatuation
faded. That's your answer. That was not love, but dependency on the
BPD's part. For you to ask this question means that you have
compromised your values, and settled for less than love. You have to
re-establish your own boundaries after you have been through the
torment of loving a BPD.
T and a BP person
Q: posted on the online support group (I emphasized the part that especially struck me and seemed germane to my life)
I am trying to hope for the best but really am
expecting the worse, what are your thoughts on
therapy?
D M,
My thought is that therapy works only if the person
seeking therapy wants to get better.
Therapy for BPs amounts to asking a small child to eat
a bowlful of spinach...while there is candy within his
reach...quite a challenge.
To BPs....therapy can be real effort or going through
the motions. I think its up to you to not wait another
20 years to figure out which occurs. If there is real
effort, you will see evidence of growth...you will see
NEW things...the scent of new flowers will fill the
air.
But, if its "going through the motions," you'll see
the same donkey droppings you've seen for the last 20
years packaged up in a nice new box with a fancy bow
on it...
Rely on your senses...sniff around...your nose will
know.
I am trying to hope for the best but really am
expecting the worse, what are your thoughts on
therapy?
D M,
My thought is that therapy works only if the person
seeking therapy wants to get better.
Therapy for BPs amounts to asking a small child to eat
a bowlful of spinach...while there is candy within his
reach...quite a challenge.
To BPs....therapy can be real effort or going through
the motions. I think its up to you to not wait another
20 years to figure out which occurs. If there is real
effort, you will see evidence of growth...you will see
NEW things...the scent of new flowers will fill the
air.
But, if its "going through the motions," you'll see
the same donkey droppings you've seen for the last 20
years packaged up in a nice new box with a fancy bow
on it...
Rely on your senses...sniff around...your nose will
know.
Today the sh** hit the fan
I had my place to go ready. I had somewhat prepared for "the talk". I've been deliberately detaching and staying somewhat at arms-length....
As this week has gone one, she'd gotten more and more "lovey" -- certainly because of the roles being correct -- lots of caretaking on my part.....
Last night after work, she wanted a "meaningful kiss" which told me she was starting to feel amorous. Well, I wasn't about to step on THAT spiderweb. I'm pretty sure she went to bed / sleep with an attitude. Certainly woke up with one.
She FORCED the conversation I had intended to delay until at tomorrow (maybe Sat).... So, I laid it out for her -- I have my own place now. I've made my arrangements. I won't be staying at the house anymore....
Now, of course, the intense cycling of emotions has begun....
Too bad she doesn't call her T and too bad she's not really engaged in effective therapy....
As this week has gone one, she'd gotten more and more "lovey" -- certainly because of the roles being correct -- lots of caretaking on my part.....
Last night after work, she wanted a "meaningful kiss" which told me she was starting to feel amorous. Well, I wasn't about to step on THAT spiderweb. I'm pretty sure she went to bed / sleep with an attitude. Certainly woke up with one.
She FORCED the conversation I had intended to delay until at tomorrow (maybe Sat).... So, I laid it out for her -- I have my own place now. I've made my arrangements. I won't be staying at the house anymore....
Now, of course, the intense cycling of emotions has begun....
Too bad she doesn't call her T and too bad she's not really engaged in effective therapy....
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Love or addiction?
Another bit of wisdom from my online support group:
You know in your heart it is bad for you, but you do it anyway. It
hurts and is killing you, yet you miss it and want it to return. It
is the only thing that is really important to you. You tell yourself
that it could be like it was before, that you need them. That they
will love you. That you love them. You look into every crack and
crevice for them. When you see a car that looks like theirs your heart
jumps. You read stuff in what they send that is not there and ignore
the truth that is. This my friends is not love, It is addiction.
You know in your heart it is bad for you, but you do it anyway. It
hurts and is killing you, yet you miss it and want it to return. It
is the only thing that is really important to you. You tell yourself
that it could be like it was before, that you need them. That they
will love you. That you love them. You look into every crack and
crevice for them. When you see a car that looks like theirs your heart
jumps. You read stuff in what they send that is not there and ignore
the truth that is. This my friends is not love, It is addiction.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
About there
I think, think, think, I have all of the basics at the apartment now. Bedclothes. Breakfast stuff. Toiletries, TV, etc.... enough clothes to get by at first.
I think I'm ready -- except for preparing for the "difficult conversation". But, that will get handled and handled appropriately.
I'm ready and anxious to move on this and get it done with. Into the next phase of life, where I can do my job, do it well, and get to know ME a bit better. Ol' Pop H has gotten lost in all this caretaking.... and conflict and avoidance and stockhold syndrome behaviors....
It's time.
I think I'm ready -- except for preparing for the "difficult conversation". But, that will get handled and handled appropriately.
I'm ready and anxious to move on this and get it done with. Into the next phase of life, where I can do my job, do it well, and get to know ME a bit better. Ol' Pop H has gotten lost in all this caretaking.... and conflict and avoidance and stockhold syndrome behaviors....
It's time.
getting anxious
I think I just about have enough livable stuff over at the apartment to make it work, initially.
Now, I'm getting anxious to get on with it.
I'm on pins and needles, trying to be slightly detached but not tip my hand. A little tense all the time, here at the house, though, concerned about what her radar might pick up on.
I haven't figured out quite how / where to tell her.... and I think the financial stuff will have to be handled in a transitional manner....
We'll see.
I also have to decide how to deal with cash assets vs the stock account and all that...
Yipe.
Now, I'm getting anxious to get on with it.
I'm on pins and needles, trying to be slightly detached but not tip my hand. A little tense all the time, here at the house, though, concerned about what her radar might pick up on.
I haven't figured out quite how / where to tell her.... and I think the financial stuff will have to be handled in a transitional manner....
We'll see.
I also have to decide how to deal with cash assets vs the stock account and all that...
Yipe.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Stockholm Syndrome and stuff
Excellent article on Stockholm Syndrome -- something I've come to realize I "border" on but haven't quite developed.... I touch it here and there, though, as described:
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html
Also an article on ending these relationships (which I need to print at the office!!):
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html
Also an article on ending these relationships (which I need to print at the office!!):
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Words of wisdom
An excerpt from something a friend posted on the WTO group. So true. [emphasis is mine]
So take
a close look at yourself hun and realize that although you think you are in love
with him...you are only in love with what the illusion of what you thought he
was going to be able to give you. This [who he is now] is the real him. The rest was just a
show put on to get what he needed. Do you
really want to live with a man who is how he is now? This is him..this is what
you are going to have to put up with when you are with him. It will always be
your fault any and everything he does. Not a good way to live. You deserve
better. Take care of yourself first.
So take
a close look at yourself hun and realize that although you think you are in love
with him...you are only in love with what the illusion of what you thought he
was going to be able to give you. This [who he is now] is the real him. The rest was just a
show put on to get what he needed. Do you
really want to live with a man who is how he is now? This is him..this is what
you are going to have to put up with when you are with him. It will always be
your fault any and everything he does. Not a good way to live. You deserve
better. Take care of yourself first.
M doesn't feel well
on top of the stiffness and the soreness, M is feeling lousy -- probably a reaction to the vicodin. I thought I recalled it not working well for her.
hit's her stomach and bowel kinda hard. With or without foods.
She asked me when I'm leaving and I told her that basically what I'd said this a.m. was that I wasn't taking off until other matters were taken care of -- counting her pills (she's decided that can wait though) and getting her to her follow up (which she says she's going to have to feel a whole lot better to go to....)
I suspect part of her feeling lousy is more than slightly psychosomatic. She crashed last night when I had a need of my own expressed (going to the family reunion) that was going to take my attention away from her and her needs for several hours.... How awful!! Mommy/daddy is abandoning the poor little girl....
She just doesn't know herself very well, or her reactions.
I'll be glad when I've gotten myself squared away, elsewhere.
hit's her stomach and bowel kinda hard. With or without foods.
She asked me when I'm leaving and I told her that basically what I'd said this a.m. was that I wasn't taking off until other matters were taken care of -- counting her pills (she's decided that can wait though) and getting her to her follow up (which she says she's going to have to feel a whole lot better to go to....)
I suspect part of her feeling lousy is more than slightly psychosomatic. She crashed last night when I had a need of my own expressed (going to the family reunion) that was going to take my attention away from her and her needs for several hours.... How awful!! Mommy/daddy is abandoning the poor little girl....
She just doesn't know herself very well, or her reactions.
I'll be glad when I've gotten myself squared away, elsewhere.
Predictable projection
Before last evening was over, well before actually, we had a round.
M wanted to know "How long will it be THIS time that you want nothing to do with me?!"
I said, "I've left you alone since you came upstairs because that's what it appeared you wanted."
I told her she'd made a couple of nasty remarks, and at the end (on the deck) she had said in a nasty manner (with energy) "So, you'll do what YOU want and I can just take MY sorry ass to the urgent care myself, which I can do!" and left to go upstairs.
She denied communicating anything nasty and said she'd gone upstairs because she was tired of being up and around, etc, etc.... I told her she said nothing like that, and reiterated what she'd communicated with what she had said, the way she'd said it, and all that.
She continued to point fingers at me and we bickered about who said what and what was meant.... and she brought up my several hours out of the house on Thursday (actually it was Friday).
I took a lot of umbrage and basically started in on all the ways she was saying I'd failed her.... I ticked them right back off at her.... She didn't care for that....
I / we did manage to get through it without a total and complete blow out. But, I finally pretty much quit the interaction and went back downstairs.
As I contemplated the whole thing, I realized that most of the feelings and attitudes she was accusing me of, were hers -- which I knew at the time as well... and that all this was was (predictable) projection.
I also woke up realizing that I needed to communicate that my actual priority for today was and is to get her situation dealt with -- the follow up and helping her count pills -- those are first priority. Other stuff, including the family reunion, will have to work in around those, if possible.
M wanted to know "How long will it be THIS time that you want nothing to do with me?!"
I said, "I've left you alone since you came upstairs because that's what it appeared you wanted."
I told her she'd made a couple of nasty remarks, and at the end (on the deck) she had said in a nasty manner (with energy) "So, you'll do what YOU want and I can just take MY sorry ass to the urgent care myself, which I can do!" and left to go upstairs.
She denied communicating anything nasty and said she'd gone upstairs because she was tired of being up and around, etc, etc.... I told her she said nothing like that, and reiterated what she'd communicated with what she had said, the way she'd said it, and all that.
She continued to point fingers at me and we bickered about who said what and what was meant.... and she brought up my several hours out of the house on Thursday (actually it was Friday).
I took a lot of umbrage and basically started in on all the ways she was saying I'd failed her.... I ticked them right back off at her.... She didn't care for that....
I / we did manage to get through it without a total and complete blow out. But, I finally pretty much quit the interaction and went back downstairs.
As I contemplated the whole thing, I realized that most of the feelings and attitudes she was accusing me of, were hers -- which I knew at the time as well... and that all this was was (predictable) projection.
I also woke up realizing that I needed to communicate that my actual priority for today was and is to get her situation dealt with -- the follow up and helping her count pills -- those are first priority. Other stuff, including the family reunion, will have to work in around those, if possible.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Interesting bpd thread from a fella on flickr
http://flickr.com/photos/dysamoria/863026019/
Highlights that caught my eye:
they can be as cruel as they want to. as soon as you get pissed because you've had enough, you're an evil hateful monster.
i never hurt her. i never hit her. i never tried to emotionally hurt her. NOW, after months of dealing with abuse and her hateful, monstrous cycling bullshit, i'm done.
i have great empathy, but my antipathy finally took charge.
Highlights that caught my eye:
they can be as cruel as they want to. as soon as you get pissed because you've had enough, you're an evil hateful monster.
i never hurt her. i never hit her. i never tried to emotionally hurt her. NOW, after months of dealing with abuse and her hateful, monstrous cycling bullshit, i'm done.
i have great empathy, but my antipathy finally took charge.
Predictable
Entirely predictable that in a short time, things were contentious between us because of the reunion.
I checked the distance and told her that it is a few minutes further than I thought. Closer to 45 min away.... She, in turn said, "Does it ever occur to you that I might be / get tired of being alone? (Left behind?)"
I asked if she wanted to go (because I'd assumed not, due to her soreness....). She said, "No, that's not it. I just get tired of being left alone / behind."
I said, "It sounds like you think I shouldn't go." M, "You'll do what you want to do, it doesn't matter."
Me, "Now, you're pitching guilt...."
"Your comments make me feel like I have to make a choice between being at a family function and being here...."
I'd also, earlier, mentioned that we'd have to figure out whether to go for her recheck before or after I go.... or, that maybe, she'll want to wait until Monday and take herself since she's mending....
Moments more and it was very tight and angry. Not outraged. But angry. Primarily on my part. She, in fact, denied being angry at all. "Only disappointed."
She also turned the comments about perhaps she'll be able to take herself for her recheck into "You basically telling me to take my own sorry ass back to the urgent care myself."
She took herself on upstairs to be away from me.... which is fine. I've checked on her a couple of times, took her an ice pack and some bottled waters.... Keeping to the caretaker role.
But, I'm pretty peeved. And she knows it. Of course, she thinks I'm entirely at fault and in the wrong, too....
I checked the distance and told her that it is a few minutes further than I thought. Closer to 45 min away.... She, in turn said, "Does it ever occur to you that I might be / get tired of being alone? (Left behind?)"
I asked if she wanted to go (because I'd assumed not, due to her soreness....). She said, "No, that's not it. I just get tired of being left alone / behind."
I said, "It sounds like you think I shouldn't go." M, "You'll do what you want to do, it doesn't matter."
Me, "Now, you're pitching guilt...."
"Your comments make me feel like I have to make a choice between being at a family function and being here...."
I'd also, earlier, mentioned that we'd have to figure out whether to go for her recheck before or after I go.... or, that maybe, she'll want to wait until Monday and take herself since she's mending....
Moments more and it was very tight and angry. Not outraged. But angry. Primarily on my part. She, in fact, denied being angry at all. "Only disappointed."
She also turned the comments about perhaps she'll be able to take herself for her recheck into "You basically telling me to take my own sorry ass back to the urgent care myself."
She took herself on upstairs to be away from me.... which is fine. I've checked on her a couple of times, took her an ice pack and some bottled waters.... Keeping to the caretaker role.
But, I'm pretty peeved. And she knows it. Of course, she thinks I'm entirely at fault and in the wrong, too....
Intereesting but predictable
After a fairly OK day -- M has been a bit more active (probably moreso than was wise), I mentioned that I have a family reunion gathering tomorrow that I want to go to for a while. It's 1/2 hour 40 minutes away.... Told her I want to at least go and say a few hellos for an hour or so.... and that we need to figure out whether to take her to urgent care for her recheck before or after I go.....
Not too surprisingly, as she registered the matter (oh, oh, sharing me with family -- a NO NO) she says, "well, the reality is you'll be gone 4 or 5 hours." And, well, frankly, the tenor of her attitude changed a great deal....
Clearly unhappy with NOT being the centrality of my attention tomorrow.... poor neglected thin g
Not too surprisingly, as she registered the matter (oh, oh, sharing me with family -- a NO NO) she says, "well, the reality is you'll be gone 4 or 5 hours." And, well, frankly, the tenor of her attitude changed a great deal....
Clearly unhappy with NOT being the centrality of my attention tomorrow.... poor neglected thin g
got to watch out for "hoovering"
Hoovering is what we non-BPD call the business of getting sucked back into a relationship or old patterns with our partner or STBX.
The fact is, they can be very charming and loving at times, and that appeals and fools us. Or their quietly, or blatantly manipulative, and we fall for it.
It is dreadfully hard to keep our heads straight. Or our hearts.
BUT, I KNOW the best thing for me is to separate from this relationship. It's probably also best for her, although it will be a rough road. She'll be OK. She'll grow back from some of the stuntedness she's gotten to.
I've been steadily moving household bills and expenses toward my account, and that will free up her money for her to manage when (I'm sure it's not really if) she moves out and on.
She gets about $2700 / month in disability income, virtually nontaxable.
She'll need ultimately to be able to handle rent, probably $700 or so (in this area, more out west in the Rockies), her car payment, about $450 plus $100 or so for insurance, utilities with cable, average probably $150.
That leaves $1300 for her groceries, gasoline, and entertainment. Seems like a lot.
MY budget might be a little challenging when (I presume) I have to pull a larger mortgage to buy her out.... but, we'll deal with it when it comes.
The fact is, they can be very charming and loving at times, and that appeals and fools us. Or their quietly, or blatantly manipulative, and we fall for it.
It is dreadfully hard to keep our heads straight. Or our hearts.
BUT, I KNOW the best thing for me is to separate from this relationship. It's probably also best for her, although it will be a rough road. She'll be OK. She'll grow back from some of the stuntedness she's gotten to.
I've been steadily moving household bills and expenses toward my account, and that will free up her money for her to manage when (I'm sure it's not really if) she moves out and on.
She gets about $2700 / month in disability income, virtually nontaxable.
She'll need ultimately to be able to handle rent, probably $700 or so (in this area, more out west in the Rockies), her car payment, about $450 plus $100 or so for insurance, utilities with cable, average probably $150.
That leaves $1300 for her groceries, gasoline, and entertainment. Seems like a lot.
MY budget might be a little challenging when (I presume) I have to pull a larger mortgage to buy her out.... but, we'll deal with it when it comes.
Friday, August 3, 2007
today
was pretty nondescript.
M needed help. Liked the compassionate attention. Roles are right, so all seem right with her world. She keeps showing that [needy] affection that people like her do when they're feeling cared for and / or feeling they might be abandoned....
Meanwhile, I managed to get bed clothes, a few other clothes, and toiletries over to the apartment.
Yea!
M needed help. Liked the compassionate attention. Roles are right, so all seem right with her world. She keeps showing that [needy] affection that people like her do when they're feeling cared for and / or feeling they might be abandoned....
Meanwhile, I managed to get bed clothes, a few other clothes, and toiletries over to the apartment.
Yea!
"right" roles
Isn't it amazing how easy the BPD person is to live with when each of us are playing our "right roles" and all is "right with their world"!!??
Instructive, isn't it, that she was enraged with me all week, loudly, softly, but whatever the tone or volume, enraged nonetheless....
But, yesterday, she fell down the stairs. Is badly bruised. Hobbled up, needs assistance, and who is there to provide it? Who is compassionate and caring? Despite the bad treatment and outrageous statements, actions and accusations?? Me, of course.
And, how does that make her feel?? Loved, again....
After all, daddy is taking care of the little girl.... right....
She loves me and she's missed me so much....
Yeah.
Instructive, isn't it, that she was enraged with me all week, loudly, softly, but whatever the tone or volume, enraged nonetheless....
But, yesterday, she fell down the stairs. Is badly bruised. Hobbled up, needs assistance, and who is there to provide it? Who is compassionate and caring? Despite the bad treatment and outrageous statements, actions and accusations?? Me, of course.
And, how does that make her feel?? Loved, again....
After all, daddy is taking care of the little girl.... right....
She loves me and she's missed me so much....
Yeah.
Wonder if the 2 bottles of sparking wine
M apparently drank Wednesday night had anything to do with her hard crash.
Two, count 'em, two in the trash.
The text messages she sent are a little lengthy, but it was clear she was at the point of at least threatening self-harm.
J, her son, says the VM HE got said, "Just tell me ONE REASON WHY I SHOULD STAY ALIVE!"
Which, he said, had he gotten that or taken that call, he also would have called 911 -- based on my coaching and instructions a while back.
Two, count 'em, two in the trash.
The text messages she sent are a little lengthy, but it was clear she was at the point of at least threatening self-harm.
J, her son, says the VM HE got said, "Just tell me ONE REASON WHY I SHOULD STAY ALIVE!"
Which, he said, had he gotten that or taken that call, he also would have called 911 -- based on my coaching and instructions a while back.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
M playing nice &
whatever.
She was kind of pissy when I first got home. Sore and limping badly from her spill. She tried to take herself to urgent care, but I literally had to catch her as she started to topple over. I took her.... showed some continuing caring.... etc, etc.
(in the car, on the way, she asked, "Do you still love me?" Of course, I do, so I said so. But, I still know I can't continue in this way / relationship, and I know what's going on now.....
Since I'm having to provide some additional attention.... Since she's feeling central, and loved and cared for ("can I have a little smooch?")....
yeah, sure.
She was kind of pissy when I first got home. Sore and limping badly from her spill. She tried to take herself to urgent care, but I literally had to catch her as she started to topple over. I took her.... showed some continuing caring.... etc, etc.
(in the car, on the way, she asked, "Do you still love me?" Of course, I do, so I said so. But, I still know I can't continue in this way / relationship, and I know what's going on now.....
Since I'm having to provide some additional attention.... Since she's feeling central, and loved and cared for ("can I have a little smooch?")....
yeah, sure.
M & stairs
M fell headlong down the stairs today when trying to answer the knocks of the sheriff deputies at the front door. Unbelievable! She is badly bruised on the hip in two places, as well as possibly nearly fracturing her elbow. Also injured her foot. Altogether, she could barely walk by the time I got home.
took her to urgent care to check it out. No apparent fracture. Recheck in 3 days or so. Pain meds.
took her to urgent care to check it out. No apparent fracture. Recheck in 3 days or so. Pain meds.
Welfare check
based on a text message from about 1:10 a.m. and another at 1:40 a.m. that made a strong indication M had overdosed herself, I called the country Sheriff midway through this a.m. when I read the messsages and evaluated their content.
I asked them to do a check on the welfare of a person and gave them the garage door code.
At this point, a couple hours later, I've heard nothing. I do not know if that is good, bad or indifferent.
Starting back toward home now, but will still make a couple stops.
BUT, this is exactly the right opening for me to deal with moving out, as I put her on notice years ago that I would leave her in the event of another suicide attempt.
addendum (8/5/07) it occurs to me to record the main of the text in the messages that moved me to take this step
Aug 2, 2007, 1:07 a
Too bad. So sad. You cannot tolerate speaking to me in any way that remotely resembles a real honest dialogue. You either ignore my calls, turn your phone off - Mr Incommunicado-Man, and when you lower your standards or whatever it is you do, you are almost immediately done talking - rather - listening to me. Can't ever have a dialogue or honest conversation with you. You just check out. After tonight I am checing out. EXPAIN TO MY SONS AS I WAS UNABLE TO REACH EITHER OF THEM. I would really like to know how you'll explain this to my sister and my aunts.....No doubt you won't mention the uber-stress you and your mother has foisted upon me in the past 2 months. No doubt you THINK you can snow Aunt B....good luck. She is pretty sharp, legally wise. You'll not snow her ever.
Never mind all that.
You don't want me around anymore. You want to cater to your mo0ther who intensely dislikes me for ?> I'm sure I don't know. Attitudinal 2 b sure yet you claim u don't know how that could be....Life is... methinks you have really [never meant?] for me to b more than a
Message #2, 1:41 a.m.
passing fuck. Too bad. I'm still just a fuck in passing....who also hyappens to have landscaped and infinitely improved your "Gentlemen's Estate"
I am totally fading now not that that will be of concern 2 you. U and y our mom and the entire S family will rejoice 2 b rid of me, especially mommy dearest.
My regret is that I has unable to get J [son #2] on the phone 2nite. Talke a bit 2 N [son #1] but he said I chose this with L [me] and then had 2 go 2 work. Want them 2 know I love them more than they will ever know. They wre my reason 4 lilving. My reason for not living is you and you excluding me from your family, using me as a servant an dignoring and discounting me to favor your family.
With it was not so, but I'm tired oftrhing 2 swim upstream, always. Nodboy in your family talks 2 me including I am sorry. [then a reference, I think, to the words we had on the deck while mom and dad were not far off in the living room ]
2 DONE 2 FIGHT IT ANYMORE AS I am W/OU [sic]
The tail end of the message seemed to border on gobbledygook, I thought... At least I don't know what the abbrev was intended to mean, if it had a meaning.
What alarmed me most was the obvious suicidal ideation, followed by the "I'm fading now" comments....
Couldn't come home to check on it. Shouldn't have, had I been in town. Always need to call in the police for this from now on.
I asked them to do a check on the welfare of a person and gave them the garage door code.
At this point, a couple hours later, I've heard nothing. I do not know if that is good, bad or indifferent.
Starting back toward home now, but will still make a couple stops.
BUT, this is exactly the right opening for me to deal with moving out, as I put her on notice years ago that I would leave her in the event of another suicide attempt.
addendum (8/5/07) it occurs to me to record the main of the text in the messages that moved me to take this step
Aug 2, 2007, 1:07 a
Too bad. So sad. You cannot tolerate speaking to me in any way that remotely resembles a real honest dialogue. You either ignore my calls, turn your phone off - Mr Incommunicado-Man, and when you lower your standards or whatever it is you do, you are almost immediately done talking - rather - listening to me. Can't ever have a dialogue or honest conversation with you. You just check out. After tonight I am checing out. EXPAIN TO MY SONS AS I WAS UNABLE TO REACH EITHER OF THEM. I would really like to know how you'll explain this to my sister and my aunts.....No doubt you won't mention the uber-stress you and your mother has foisted upon me in the past 2 months. No doubt you THINK you can snow Aunt B....good luck. She is pretty sharp, legally wise. You'll not snow her ever.
Never mind all that.
You don't want me around anymore. You want to cater to your mo0ther who intensely dislikes me for ?> I'm sure I don't know. Attitudinal 2 b sure yet you claim u don't know how that could be....Life is... methinks you have really [never meant?] for me to b more than a
Message #2, 1:41 a.m.
passing fuck. Too bad. I'm still just a fuck in passing....who also hyappens to have landscaped and infinitely improved your "Gentlemen's Estate"
I am totally fading now not that that will be of concern 2 you. U and y our mom and the entire S family will rejoice 2 b rid of me, especially mommy dearest.
My regret is that I has unable to get J [son #2] on the phone 2nite. Talke a bit 2 N [son #1] but he said I chose this with L [me] and then had 2 go 2 work. Want them 2 know I love them more than they will ever know. They wre my reason 4 lilving. My reason for not living is you and you excluding me from your family, using me as a servant an dignoring and discounting me to favor your family.
With it was not so, but I'm tired oftrhing 2 swim upstream, always. Nodboy in your family talks 2 me including I am sorry. [then a reference, I think, to the words we had on the deck while mom and dad were not far off in the living room ]
2 DONE 2 FIGHT IT ANYMORE AS I am W/OU [sic]
The tail end of the message seemed to border on gobbledygook, I thought... At least I don't know what the abbrev was intended to mean, if it had a meaning.
What alarmed me most was the obvious suicidal ideation, followed by the "I'm fading now" comments....
Couldn't come home to check on it. Shouldn't have, had I been in town. Always need to call in the police for this from now on.
Too crazy for words
M went deep into compulsive and angry mode last night. Called and called. She even called the hotel room.
Left 9 voicemails on my cell. Left 5 on the hotel phone (called at 12:15 a.m. again, before I took the phone off the hook.)
Also 7 text messages.
I won't anymore than listen briefly and delete, read / scan and delete.
The hotel messages are a problem because she did some damn thing that made the first & second message a long long dial tone and error tone.... Don't know as I'll actually hear any of the hotel messages. Big deal.
I have some really supportive friends waiting patiently to support me through this. And it is time.
Left 9 voicemails on my cell. Left 5 on the hotel phone (called at 12:15 a.m. again, before I took the phone off the hook.)
Also 7 text messages.
I won't anymore than listen briefly and delete, read / scan and delete.
The hotel messages are a problem because she did some damn thing that made the first & second message a long long dial tone and error tone.... Don't know as I'll actually hear any of the hotel messages. Big deal.
I have some really supportive friends waiting patiently to support me through this. And it is time.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Meanwhile, M acts out and compulses
Just before I got done at a reception tonight, my phone started to ring. Home. Over and over. Finally took a call when I got into my truck. Same old stuff. Complaint after complaint. Accusations.... on and on.
I tried to stop the conversations, ended them courteously -- she'd call right back.... Finally, I quit answering -- but she kept calling. Over and over. She must have called 8 or more times while I was at dinner. I finally turned my phone off.
I had to turn it on for a few minutes tonight -- and I see there are numerous text messages as well as all the voicemails that I'll have to delete tomorrow.
Meanwhile, my friend and new key support person gave me her phone numbers so that I could keep her posted.....
I tried to stop the conversations, ended them courteously -- she'd call right back.... Finally, I quit answering -- but she kept calling. Over and over. She must have called 8 or more times while I was at dinner. I finally turned my phone off.
I had to turn it on for a few minutes tonight -- and I see there are numerous text messages as well as all the voicemails that I'll have to delete tomorrow.
Meanwhile, my friend and new key support person gave me her phone numbers so that I could keep her posted.....
Support system is building
I've had a very nice time interacting with a friend from A2 for the last few days. We spent the last couple three hours at dinner and it's clear she's really ready and willing to be a key support for me in all this, and as comfortable as she's become already in sharing some things about herself, I still tend to think she's showing me some interest for "someday" in the area of dating. At the least, as a friend. Perhaps more.
She truly is a dynamic, whole and autonomous woman. Direct. Scary to many men. Not to me. I'm so tired of passive-aggressive games, I'm more than ready for a woman who says what she means....
Anyway, she's just a little heavier than I normally am attracted to, but she has an interesting beauty. Much of it is from the inside. But, she is a good looking lady....
And, she's made it plain that for her, sex is NOT an issue, unlike for many other women. I took it as something she was saying as a friend, just sharing about herself in reaction to some of what I told her..... But, it might get very interesting.
And, she bought dinner, so I owe her one back!!
She truly is a dynamic, whole and autonomous woman. Direct. Scary to many men. Not to me. I'm so tired of passive-aggressive games, I'm more than ready for a woman who says what she means....
Anyway, she's just a little heavier than I normally am attracted to, but she has an interesting beauty. Much of it is from the inside. But, she is a good looking lady....
And, she's made it plain that for her, sex is NOT an issue, unlike for many other women. I took it as something she was saying as a friend, just sharing about herself in reaction to some of what I told her..... But, it might get very interesting.
And, she bought dinner, so I owe her one back!!
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