Interesting dream just this a.m.... I meant to let it continue, but something woke me.
Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.
As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s
Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.
A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.
I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.
I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.
D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).
D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....
Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....
Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"
I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....
strange!!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
by golly, I have jealous feelings, too!
Well, this is quite interesting to me as I explore new aspects of life and of my self. For the SECOND time in recent memory, I ACTUALLY FEEL A BIT JEALOUS of B's involvement with another(s).
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
Before the holiday
(catch up).... before the holiday, which I'm spending with my grand-D, etc, out of state, B and I spent quite a little time together in the week before I left.... No sex, simply hanging out, enjoying company, cuddling for the night, etc....
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Day after plus
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Hexagram spread of the Druid Craft tarot re: B
card 1 - two of cups -- the apparent, conscious issue.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
Ebb and flow with B
I feel like B is detached again.... and I'm tending, as usual, toward some of my PTSD-based reactions (per my therapist yesterday). I need to communicate more actively and directly and quit avoiding the prospect of difficult conversations. My T suggested asking outright, courteously worded questions, and perhaps challenging B a bit -- like over the "issues" arising over the (last) weekend and some assumptions B made and her corresponding reactions....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
Amaryllis
Mostly a placeholder.... some days / couple weeks ago, B channelled one of my key guides--
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
Saturday, November 22, 2008
strange, strange mood
I am in the oddest mood tonight..... B stayed over last night. Very cuddly. Was quite late when we got in... she did some massage and healing work on me which was beneficial... nonsexual (a bit of good natured teasing, but no sex).... and none this a.m., but quite cuddly and loving all around. She hung out til almost noon. Thing is, sshe got razzed up and didn't really sleep until almost 4 a.m. I tried not to let it bother my sleep, but it was more costly to my sleep than I realized.... sort of dragged me out all day today.
We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....
Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.
I hardly know what to make of that!!
And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....
Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....
We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....
Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.
I hardly know what to make of that!!
And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....
Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Nov 1 horoscope
by Holiday Mathis seems pretty apropos these days (I am a double Libra with strong Scorpio)
Neptune, the king of dreams, has been traveling retrograde since May 26 and now changes his course. His direct movement inspires the development of projects and intentions that have been waiting on the back burner. You'll probably realize that as much as you thought you were ready before, the timing is now far more perfect.
ARIES (March 21-April 19). You are relaxed and confident, so your conversation flows. Before you know it, you've completely lost yourself and become immersed in a fascinating new acquaintance. You ask all the right questions.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Though by now you think you're able to predict just what a loved one will say and do, it turns out that there are a few surprises. A third party changes the dynamic in a favorable way. Your interest is sparked anew.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21). The one who says it can't be done is really saying that he or she doesn't have any idea how to do it. Your vision can still come together. All you need is one other person to believe it along with you.
CANCER (June 22-July 22). Your emotions are engaged, which makes it more difficult to see things as they are. That's alright — objectivity is overrated. Instead of keeping your cool, go even deeper into the feelings.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You are masterful at creating the kind of eye-catching, imaginative illusions that make others want to leap into your world — but don't let them. It's far more effective to slowly envelop them. Create a journey.
TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (NOVEMBER 1). Your interests multiply and fill your life with relaxing, happy hours. You get a fresh start with a job or relationship this month. There's a rush of activity in your personal life and you'll be making an important commitment in December. The effort it takes to make money is reduced in January, and you make more, too. Taurus and Capricorn adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 13, 6, 1, 15 and 42.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're still trying to gage how much control you really have over a situation. Right now it seems like very little, and that's something to accept. Ride it out. Things take a turn for the better tomorrow.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You're dangerously unguarded when it comes to love. It's like you're putting your heart out there to see who will take a bite out of it. Ultimately your reward will match your risk.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You like to visit places you've never seen, but prefer to do that with people you know well. The shared excitement of exploring somewhere new builds the bonds of your relationship with your travel partner.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec. 21). You can't afford to have things around you that don't work. Give yourself a limited time to get repairs, mend the tears and fix whatever needs it. And if it still won't go, cut your losses.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you feel a bit stressed out, it's a signal that you need even more responsibility. Increase your task load and things fall in order. When the going gets tough, you can accomplish amazing feats in a few hours.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Out-of-the-ordinary things happen for you and to you. Your whimsical approach to life will start a magical chain of events. Your secret desire could come to life right in front of your eyes.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). It's so attractive the way you can grasp the psychology of a person. You effortlessly soak in the essence of people. You get near them and know them, absorbing their inner world by osmosis.
WELCOME NOVEMBER: The derivation of the word "November" is Latin, correlating with the number nine. Now that just doesn't make sense, considering that it's the eleventh month of the year. But the Roman calendar existed for a time without the months of January and February. And there is music and melancholy in "novem," as the poets have discovered over the years. One cannot help but make the association with the cold end of things — like plants and love affairs and life — and at the same time perhaps find some appreciation for the temporal nature of all that is beautiful. Astrologically the month of November belongs largely to Scorpio, one of the more intense signs of the zodiac. Scorpio is credited as being the sexiest sign and the cutting truthfulness this sign wields is responsible in part. Scorpio acknowledges and accepts that there is always more than meets the eye. There are thoughts between the words, informative space between the image and energy around object. Scorpio recognizes that we are spirit in a material world and gives credence to things like omens, pheromones and micro-gestures. This is the month that your life will be enriched by the depth of your awareness.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Issues arising with B, Tarot
an attempt to clarify and inform and cover appropriate ground with B tonight did not go well.
Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)
card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.
Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)
card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
very strange dream
I don't often remember dreams, but I certainly had some strange one(s) last night. I recall watching some kids chase and harass a couple of dogs, harmlessly, then a different set of older kids had another dog trussed up across a wood fence structure. I intervened in that... I was watching from my bedroom and thought I was nude, but it was too important to intervene quickly. My wife / woman called the police, I think. Meanwhile I tore the fence apart to get at these kids and untruss the dog. Next thing I recall, the governor (beautiful Gov. G) was at my house to assist or follow up. I remember walking down the hall with her and my woman? and perhaps another person or two. Realized then that contrary to what I'd thought when I went out after those kids, I had lounge pants on -- I wasn't nude, and mentioned that. Gov G said, "thank heavens" or "it's a good thing.... for the best" or something.... We were headed back to my bedroom. THAT turned out to be something like my bedroom in my last house with my ex-wife. I recall lounging on the bed with Jennifer and talking and half watching the TV in this particular corner. Tried to look up something about the capitol. Just talking and being friendly. I recall she had a pink froo froo dress on -- kinda sexy. Anyway, just chatting. Finally, I recall being on the phone with her, looking for some signs that were supposed to be made and available from MSU printing.... as I hung up from her, my phone rang and it at first appeared to be a political call -- but then it was a woman (M or B, likely) who said something about dragging me back here -- "You blew it".
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Card spread re: B
Well, to help me with the disquieted feeling (part of which has occurred between us regarding perhaps celebrating our b-days together this weekend -- an conversation exchange regarding whether to celebrate this weekend... I told her that would be best as I will be tied up the weekend of my b-day.... well, I could tell she extrapolated that to assume (rightly) that I would be involved with A2.... and said, "well we'll have to see how that works out...."
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
interesting times and a card spread
Well, it's been interestingly up and down with B. Not going to go all in to it. Just felt a bit disquieted tonight over some interaction and some energetic dislocation I feel between us. I know a big part of it is her struggle over feeling more strongly toward me than I toward her. I love her, but not wholly and solely. But I am really concerned that, deny it as she will, she may very well be "in love" with me. That's complex because emotionally she's not entirely capable of "sharing" and I'm not yet at a point where I should settle down to one primary, "only" woman. I need to heal. To get more comfortable on my own and in my own space and I need to make sure I'm not just repeating past patterns.
to the card spread.... well next posting
to the card spread.... well next posting
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Catching up from the weekend
Random notes from Saturday's workshop.
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Odd late p.m.
B and I... as posted, she went into a bit of a withdrawal.
Interestingly, my heart chakra is feeling something since late in the afternoon. She and I can be so connected energetically, that my chakra may be reflecting the strain or anxiety or whatever.
The other possibility is M. W, the reader, told me that M is likely to act out as badly or worse than ever in the near future. He thought it would be very serious. I know that means that if she harms herself it could be successful or nearly so.
I suspect that if that's happened, I might feel that in my heart chakra as well....
But it's more likely B and whatever is going on there.
I don't rightly know what to think about that!! I want to be very careful about getting back into an addictive relationship....
Is it her or me when I feel this odd feeling in my heart chakra.... ??
Interestingly, my heart chakra is feeling something since late in the afternoon. She and I can be so connected energetically, that my chakra may be reflecting the strain or anxiety or whatever.
The other possibility is M. W, the reader, told me that M is likely to act out as badly or worse than ever in the near future. He thought it would be very serious. I know that means that if she harms herself it could be successful or nearly so.
I suspect that if that's happened, I might feel that in my heart chakra as well....
But it's more likely B and whatever is going on there.
I don't rightly know what to think about that!! I want to be very careful about getting back into an addictive relationship....
Is it her or me when I feel this odd feeling in my heart chakra.... ??
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Today readings and more
Today was a day for readings and body work. I took B because I knew she'd both enjoy it and benefit. She would be a good addition to this community, too. She's gifted in the energies. She's hooked in with some others in town that I think bear less light. I hope she'll feel drawn in to this new community kindled this weekend.
Meanwhile, I had a good reading from W, one of presenters. There's more to be said....
B, meanwhile, is a little thrown by the reading she got from T (my intuitive). I didn't get much out of B about it, but she was a little regretful for the info / responsiblity that came with the reading.... I did gather it's about her and me.... and something about not knowing that she "wanted the responsibility"... we'll see if she shares more.
Meanwhile, we spent some more time together after, but the energy became a little wan and withdrawn. She definitely pulled in some tonight. We'll have to see what transpires.
I find myself in need of a bit of a recharge after these two days. Just need to rest and absorb.
postscript: I felt as if B was taking some space today, since she didn't contact me at all. We saw each other at a mutual activity tonight, but we each tend to do our own thing there and keep our own interactions a bit muted. But, still, I wonder if she's gone into one of her "quiet" periods, where her anxiety or thoughts nearly overwhelm, so she withdraws....
We shall see.
Meanwhile, I had a good reading from W, one of presenters. There's more to be said....
B, meanwhile, is a little thrown by the reading she got from T (my intuitive). I didn't get much out of B about it, but she was a little regretful for the info / responsiblity that came with the reading.... I did gather it's about her and me.... and something about not knowing that she "wanted the responsibility"... we'll see if she shares more.
Meanwhile, we spent some more time together after, but the energy became a little wan and withdrawn. She definitely pulled in some tonight. We'll have to see what transpires.
I find myself in need of a bit of a recharge after these two days. Just need to rest and absorb.
postscript: I felt as if B was taking some space today, since she didn't contact me at all. We saw each other at a mutual activity tonight, but we each tend to do our own thing there and keep our own interactions a bit muted. But, still, I wonder if she's gone into one of her "quiet" periods, where her anxiety or thoughts nearly overwhelm, so she withdraws....
We shall see.
Saturday's workshop
Sent to an intuition workshop Saturday. Focused on undertanding that all have some degree of intutition. Most people confuse clairvoyance with intuition. Clairvoyance is only one of several "clairs". Our instructors were certified Doreen Virtue angel trainers, and we used her decks in our practice.
It was instructive, inspiring, intriguing, and fun. I really enjoy people of this mindset, even as I continually wrestle with a rather "agnostic" attitude toward anything metaphysical. Still, it seems like there is something there and not nothing.
I don't consider myself terribly intuitive, although I've come to realize I am moreso than I give myself credit for. As I did readings at the workshop, I read for people better than I might ever have expected.
We learned about the "four clairs" which helps me understand better this energetic philosophy, ESP, or whatever.
I like these explanations from other sources (which saves me from writing out much):
Wikipedia has related terms listed under clairvoyance, including terms for extra-smell and extra-taste as well as those more common to the lightworker community dialog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clairvoyance
http://www.geocities.com/lilly_light/4-clairs.html is wordy and not as literate, either literally or energetically, as I'd like. But there is some valuable information.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-Touch---The-4-Clairs-to-Spiritual-Guidance-in-Healing-Work&id=953965 has a brief explanation that is very pithy and apropos, so I'm quoting it. But one will benefit from reviewing more detailed info. Quoting:
It was instructive, inspiring, intriguing, and fun. I really enjoy people of this mindset, even as I continually wrestle with a rather "agnostic" attitude toward anything metaphysical. Still, it seems like there is something there and not nothing.
I don't consider myself terribly intuitive, although I've come to realize I am moreso than I give myself credit for. As I did readings at the workshop, I read for people better than I might ever have expected.
We learned about the "four clairs" which helps me understand better this energetic philosophy, ESP, or whatever.
I like these explanations from other sources (which saves me from writing out much):
Wikipedia has related terms listed under clairvoyance, including terms for extra-smell and extra-taste as well as those more common to the lightworker community dialog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clairvoyance
http://www.geocities.com/lilly_light/4-clairs.html is wordy and not as literate, either literally or energetically, as I'd like. But there is some valuable information.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-Touch---The-4-Clairs-to-Spiritual-Guidance-in-Healing-Work&id=953965 has a brief explanation that is very pithy and apropos, so I'm quoting it. But one will benefit from reviewing more detailed info. Quoting:
There are four ways (the 4 clairs) we receive spiritual guidance-
1. Clear seeing or clairvoyance
2. Clear hearing or clairaudience
3. Clear feeling or clairsentience
4. Inner knowing or claircognizance
Clear seeing is not just about seeing "auras" or angel lights-it also includes dreams and visions.
Clear hearing is not just about "hearing voices"-it's about voice, music and sound.
Clear feeling is not just about sensing what someone is feeling-it also includes emotions, gut instincts and intuitions.
And Inner knowing is really about knowing things without having learned them in ordinary ways-it is when we receive thoughts, ideas and concepts that we clearly did not have before we received them.
The good news is that we each possess all four of these abilities to receive God's guidance to us. In fact, we are hard-wired for them but some are more endowed than others.Friday, September 12, 2008
B & me
Well, here it is two weeks later. At this point B and I have attended a concert together (kinda, we both decided we wanted to go so I saved her a seat, etc).
and one thing leads to another and now we're talking again regularly. We've even slept together, twice this week. Literally. Slept and cuddled.
I'm feeling better about this at the moment. Although, her tendency to get anxious and hide that until she wants to talk (or act) is a bit too much like my Ex. Nonetheless, I enjoy her company and I actually don't think she's emotionally dependent or demanding. Just some of her coping mechanismss that make me feel / respond with old tapes. Working on that.
To that end, I want to talk to her and gauge how the whole anxiety thing is going. I know a large part of it was the (unexpressed) rivalry / jealousy toward A2. THIS time, I'm going to try and stay OUT of that morass. Each relationship needs to stand on its own. One may rise above the others and become that lifetime / forever thing. But.... all relationships for me right now need to be pretty laid back and easy and undemanding. No expectations. No guilt, etc.
To that end I want to check on that, AND I want to converse about becoming lovers. This could happen just on its own, but I'd much prefer to have talked about it and have us make every attempt for that particular involvement to be fully volitional.
But, I have come to a realization that I would like to take B as a lover. But, by that, I don't intend to give up A2 at this point. Hopefully neither will put me in a precarious or compromizing position.
As I said, each needs to stand on its own.
and one thing leads to another and now we're talking again regularly. We've even slept together, twice this week. Literally. Slept and cuddled.
I'm feeling better about this at the moment. Although, her tendency to get anxious and hide that until she wants to talk (or act) is a bit too much like my Ex. Nonetheless, I enjoy her company and I actually don't think she's emotionally dependent or demanding. Just some of her coping mechanismss that make me feel / respond with old tapes. Working on that.
To that end, I want to talk to her and gauge how the whole anxiety thing is going. I know a large part of it was the (unexpressed) rivalry / jealousy toward A2. THIS time, I'm going to try and stay OUT of that morass. Each relationship needs to stand on its own. One may rise above the others and become that lifetime / forever thing. But.... all relationships for me right now need to be pretty laid back and easy and undemanding. No expectations. No guilt, etc.
To that end I want to check on that, AND I want to converse about becoming lovers. This could happen just on its own, but I'd much prefer to have talked about it and have us make every attempt for that particular involvement to be fully volitional.
But, I have come to a realization that I would like to take B as a lover. But, by that, I don't intend to give up A2 at this point. Hopefully neither will put me in a precarious or compromizing position.
As I said, each needs to stand on its own.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
About Palin
130 things to think twice about:
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/3/101847/1906/281/584504
"So Sambo beat the bitch", Sarah Palin
http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/
Below is someone who KNOWS what kind of person Sarah Palin really is
I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/3/101847/1906/281/584504
"So Sambo beat the bitch", Sarah Palin
http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/
Below is someone who KNOWS what kind of person Sarah Palin really is
I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
B reappearing
So, what shall I make of this. B popped up today. Called me about 3:00 -- beautiful day, just wanted to say hello, etc, etc.
It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....
I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!
Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.
It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....
I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!
Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.
Poverty, ha!
Well, M's sis called me last night to update me after having dinner with M. UNbelievable!! Some personal intrigue -- M talking about the recent wedding, and how the girl was some more or less shirt-tail relative... kinda.... but not a word about the BF. She also talked about heading up north to a little lake town and bar (but she stopped drinking!!?? supposedly. Ha! Fat chance!) Anyway, she enjoys dancing there, yadayada... again, NOT a word about the BF. Sis found that quite curious....
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
another round with M
Of course, I expected to get a reaction after sending back her car payment statement with a letter. Still takes a fair bit of energy out of me to deal with her sh**.
She carried on some more about settlement issues, but still doesn't offer any real settlement proposal.
Frustrating!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The crazy Ex
Meanwhile, shit with the crazy Ex popped back up with her crying poverty and claiming she couldn't afford her car payment. Horseshit. She didn't have a portion of the mortgage or rent to pay until July of this year. Where's her money go?? No excuses.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
Things further along with A2
Catching up!! Well, A2 and I spent quite a bit of time together the last few weeks when it was possible. She came up to my town for a mid-week meeting and stayed over last week Wed, then came back to go to a work party with me last Friday night and stayed. Then I headed her way for Saturday night and much of Sunday.... Before that, first weekend of the month, we got together on Saturday night and she tagged along with me to a family reunion on Sunday. She continues to struggle with her feelings (actually, I think the struggle regards accepting the fact that she's having love-like feelings.... she doesn't really know what to do with that aspect of herself...)
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
Monday, August 11, 2008
things with A2
are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
Letter to B
Well, a card and letter is in the mail. It took 3 rewrites to come close to what I wanted to say. I'm having an interesting reaction -- a little concerned about how B may react, or if I'll hurt her (although I was quite careful with my words), or if she'll feel blamed (again, same comment).
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
how to tell / convey
my concerns and regrets.... Email seems wrong, somehow. I think I will slide by B's place to check the addy and draw up a letter. Seems better. Why? Responding to a text message about how she's having a hard time finding her peace in the situation between us....
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
So what to tell B
Here's the issue I'm wrestling with. Having stepped back from the budding relationship with B, I was realizing I had fallen into some unhealthy patterns and responses... NEVER turning down and opportunity to get together (and we'd gotten so we spent almost every available non-work, waking moment together....) which was definitely approaching an unhealthy engulfment...
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
Break-ups and catching up
So, this should have been posted on 7/22/08, since the next day after that post I had a conversation with B where she said, "I need to step back from this relationship. I can't maintain my peace of mind. I'm not having fun.... etc".
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
Monday, July 21, 2008
T: I totally get it about the A2 thing. I think I really pick up on her feelings for you and maybe that's why I felt the need to question if I was wrong in my prediction. I feel very strongly that she feels VERY strongly about you! I know you know this, but I think it's actually stronger than you even realize. Not to complicate your situation or anything!!
BH: well, apparently, as dense as she is about the energetic level, others certainly do seem to pick up on A2's feelings!! Today, in a nondemanding, but totally honest way, A2 did make it clear that she's ready and very much interested in a "significant other" relationship with me. She reviewed the last year together and all the mutual support and learning... how much fun and enjoyment we find together. Etc. And I am very, very tempted. I do care for her a great deal. And I am questioning myself about foregoing the potential based on the possible astrological issues. Yes, I think B and I, esp based on Rosemary's reading, could have a great thing... but, probably not right now....
B has suddenly taken a turn toward withdrawal -- and I'm certain it's because she picks up energetically on A2's feelings.... In fact, A2 had been doing a great deal of thinking and planning and talking about with her cousin and her half-sister about me and how to tell me how she feels and such over the last few days... and I think B picked that up. That, and the fact that in a week, I'll be more in A2's proximity than I have been lately.... and B finds that threatening..... and, if I'm honest, I'm not all that ambivalent toward A2. She seems to be taking me for who I am, as I am.... She's a lovely, loving person.....
I have to confess, I am very much considering letting things go to a more serious point with A2....
B and I have a lot of common interests -- camping and hiking, for instance, that I won't be doing with A2 (but could with TC, as she's got those same interests as well.....) And, on a metaphysical level, Beth has already helped me be even more comfortable with that aspect of the universe..... There's a lot to be gained and learned by a relationship of some sort with her, but with this latest "shying away", I'm leaning hard toward just putting that situation on a friendship basis.....
Irony is, I had been leaning the other way, but this weekend is the latest of several unexpected withdrawal behaviors on B's part.... I'm kind of feeling like it's just not time for that one after all. Maybe later in this lifetime, maybe in another.... But, I'm feeling a bit like I might ought to just put that one on an "occasional keeping of company" basis.... I was trying to convince myself that I should keep Linda on a friendship -- nonsexual basis -- but now, I'm really feeling like there's just WAY too much baggage and doubt inside of Beth for a "preference" toward her to be entirely appropriate at this point.
So, you've sort of touched where I was leaning.... treading lightly.... She is very sensitive, on several levels..... She doesn't know about TC, since that was on the non-contact path while B has been part of my life.... But, I have to say, I'm more comfortable with the idea of dealing with my very good friend who became more, A2, should TC re-surface, than I am by the idea of what might transpire if Beth and I become more involved and then TC comes back into the picture....
I guess my trouble is, I find it too easy almost to love. I could fall in love with B, or with A2, or with TC, or even with you..... and I care deeply about treating women I care for with great grace and kindness......
I think things are still early enough with B to allow for keeping things very light.... and she won't find that terribly hurtful..... OTOH, if we were involved as we could get, and then TC came into it.... B would be greatly, greatly troubled.....
Bottom line is, B, for various reasons is being really hot / cold -- flaky toward me.... I'm not sure I care to jump on such an emotional roller coaster as that....
at this moment, I'm rather inclined to go ahead with the A2 thing and let it play out its course as it will.
hmmmmmm.......
BH: well, apparently, as dense as she is about the energetic level, others certainly do seem to pick up on A2's feelings!! Today, in a nondemanding, but totally honest way, A2 did make it clear that she's ready and very much interested in a "significant other" relationship with me. She reviewed the last year together and all the mutual support and learning... how much fun and enjoyment we find together. Etc. And I am very, very tempted. I do care for her a great deal. And I am questioning myself about foregoing the potential based on the possible astrological issues. Yes, I think B and I, esp based on Rosemary's reading, could have a great thing... but, probably not right now....
B has suddenly taken a turn toward withdrawal -- and I'm certain it's because she picks up energetically on A2's feelings.... In fact, A2 had been doing a great deal of thinking and planning and talking about with her cousin and her half-sister about me and how to tell me how she feels and such over the last few days... and I think B picked that up. That, and the fact that in a week, I'll be more in A2's proximity than I have been lately.... and B finds that threatening..... and, if I'm honest, I'm not all that ambivalent toward A2. She seems to be taking me for who I am, as I am.... She's a lovely, loving person.....
I have to confess, I am very much considering letting things go to a more serious point with A2....
B and I have a lot of common interests -- camping and hiking, for instance, that I won't be doing with A2 (but could with TC, as she's got those same interests as well.....) And, on a metaphysical level, Beth has already helped me be even more comfortable with that aspect of the universe..... There's a lot to be gained and learned by a relationship of some sort with her, but with this latest "shying away", I'm leaning hard toward just putting that situation on a friendship basis.....
Irony is, I had been leaning the other way, but this weekend is the latest of several unexpected withdrawal behaviors on B's part.... I'm kind of feeling like it's just not time for that one after all. Maybe later in this lifetime, maybe in another.... But, I'm feeling a bit like I might ought to just put that one on an "occasional keeping of company" basis.... I was trying to convince myself that I should keep Linda on a friendship -- nonsexual basis -- but now, I'm really feeling like there's just WAY too much baggage and doubt inside of Beth for a "preference" toward her to be entirely appropriate at this point.
So, you've sort of touched where I was leaning.... treading lightly.... She is very sensitive, on several levels..... She doesn't know about TC, since that was on the non-contact path while B has been part of my life.... But, I have to say, I'm more comfortable with the idea of dealing with my very good friend who became more, A2, should TC re-surface, than I am by the idea of what might transpire if Beth and I become more involved and then TC comes back into the picture....
I guess my trouble is, I find it too easy almost to love. I could fall in love with B, or with A2, or with TC, or even with you..... and I care deeply about treating women I care for with great grace and kindness......
I think things are still early enough with B to allow for keeping things very light.... and she won't find that terribly hurtful..... OTOH, if we were involved as we could get, and then TC came into it.... B would be greatly, greatly troubled.....
Bottom line is, B, for various reasons is being really hot / cold -- flaky toward me.... I'm not sure I care to jump on such an emotional roller coaster as that....
at this moment, I'm rather inclined to go ahead with the A2 thing and let it play out its course as it will.
hmmmmmm.......
Sunday, July 20, 2008
message back to my intuitive
this message almost is a journal entry so I'm dropping it into my journal.
Hi BH,
T: I've been sooo busy! My horse tore his MCL (ligament) so I've spent an average of 8-10 hours a day at the barn for the past 6 weeks icing and bandaging him on and off. 50% chance of recovery from this.
B: Sometimes I'd love to have a horse myself, but for all the money and trouble.
I do hope it goes well.
T: I got your message also, regarding A2. I'd like to talk to you about this because maybe she could be the one afterall? I'm not sure where your feelings are for her. I should have a little more availability this
BH: I don't really recall what I said in my message. I've been keeping communication with A2 kind of minimal this week. I have become quite interested in pursuing a further relationship of some kind with B (however deep or long it may or may not be....). And I went down to A2's last Sunday afternoon (which B knew about and tried to be accepting about but was a little troubled by.... even though she knew my purpose was to clarify with A2 my intent to keep things at a friendship basis, and that without the "benefits" (much as I might like to indulge now and then, LOL).
Anyway, A2's thinking has been shifting toward MORE involvement between us even as mine has moved toward being careful to keep it where it is at.... She had difficulty hearing me, apparently, that I've been seeing a lot of B and am quite interested in her..... and even though A2 has been encouraging me to find others, etc, etc, Monday morning she let me know clearly she was ready to move ours up a notch.... I danced around that as best I could and have been real cautious about her the rest of the week.
She's my best friend and I greatly fear hurting her (more than this week has). But, without the guidances, I've come to realize that she has a lot of unresolved issues with true intimacy and relationships. She is extroverted, yes, but her self-esteem, ESP re relationships, is terrible. I think pursuing an actual, serious relationship with her, without her having dealt with those things, would only lead to great hurt (as the relationship would not likely last) and would end the friendship, or course.
When I add to that your guidance toward caution re: A2, Rosemary's very clear indications that that's a relationship to just have fun with -- more would tend toward problems -- and Christine's guidance (the same -- don't get too serious, don't go too far).... I am very comfortable about not going further than this strong friendship with A2. Even though my heart absolutely aches at the idea that I may (be) hurt her.
Meanwhile, Rosemary did B's chart for me yesterday. LOTS of good potential there. Likely some other/past like connection. Good potential for a great relationship there..... but will take time to develop. For one, B is still very cautious due to her last relationship, as am I in many ways.... for another, B senses that my heart may not be fully available and that I may not have acheived all the healing I need to yet.... not to mention, she's cautious about my "Scorpio moon" and her own heart! Anyway, Rosemary seems to think it will continue to unfold on through Sept and then maybe go some place.
BUT, then there's the TC factor. Rosemary drew cards on that situation, too. You and she remain convinced that TC and I have some future together.... She sees TC as finally coming back into the picture in late August, having finally dealt with some issues and realizing they were hers, not others, and asking herself about why she quit talking to me when it was enjoyable.... and starting the connection back up....
Sooooo.. let's see here. I have myself in a roil over A2's feelings for me. I still wonder about TC. She may come back into the picture in the middle of my trying to pursue some greater connection and relationship with B, who is also quite compatible chart-wise..... Maybe I should just back away from them all!!
Huge sigh.... (and suppressing a flirty comment about you.....LOL)
T: week. I've been so swamped since my horse got hurt trying to manage him and still ride another horse, take clients, take care of the kids since they don't have school and oh yea, I have a husband too! :) I'll try to give you a call when I'm going back and forth to the barn. I usually have about 10 minutes at a time.
BH: I've been ousted from my union presidency and am working at a regular job now. I can take a call if I am not occupied, but this week's day times has some crazy stuff in it.... so we may have a challenge getting each other. Evenings work, after 5:30 and somewhat early (because after 8:30 or so B and I are often together). Mornings, I'm generally up by 7 or 7:30 on my way to work at 8:45
Thanks. and best to you and your horse and all. /BH
Take care,
T
Hi BH,
T: I've been sooo busy! My horse tore his MCL (ligament) so I've spent an average of 8-10 hours a day at the barn for the past 6 weeks icing and bandaging him on and off. 50% chance of recovery from this.
B: Sometimes I'd love to have a horse myself, but for all the money and trouble.
I do hope it goes well.
T: I got your message also, regarding A2. I'd like to talk to you about this because maybe she could be the one afterall? I'm not sure where your feelings are for her. I should have a little more availability this
BH: I don't really recall what I said in my message. I've been keeping communication with A2 kind of minimal this week. I have become quite interested in pursuing a further relationship of some kind with B (however deep or long it may or may not be....). And I went down to A2's last Sunday afternoon (which B knew about and tried to be accepting about but was a little troubled by.... even though she knew my purpose was to clarify with A2 my intent to keep things at a friendship basis, and that without the "benefits" (much as I might like to indulge now and then, LOL).
Anyway, A2's thinking has been shifting toward MORE involvement between us even as mine has moved toward being careful to keep it where it is at.... She had difficulty hearing me, apparently, that I've been seeing a lot of B and am quite interested in her..... and even though A2 has been encouraging me to find others, etc, etc, Monday morning she let me know clearly she was ready to move ours up a notch.... I danced around that as best I could and have been real cautious about her the rest of the week.
She's my best friend and I greatly fear hurting her (more than this week has). But, without the guidances, I've come to realize that she has a lot of unresolved issues with true intimacy and relationships. She is extroverted, yes, but her self-esteem, ESP re relationships, is terrible. I think pursuing an actual, serious relationship with her, without her having dealt with those things, would only lead to great hurt (as the relationship would not likely last) and would end the friendship, or course.
When I add to that your guidance toward caution re: A2, Rosemary's very clear indications that that's a relationship to just have fun with -- more would tend toward problems -- and Christine's guidance (the same -- don't get too serious, don't go too far).... I am very comfortable about not going further than this strong friendship with A2. Even though my heart absolutely aches at the idea that I may (be) hurt her.
Meanwhile, Rosemary did B's chart for me yesterday. LOTS of good potential there. Likely some other/past like connection. Good potential for a great relationship there..... but will take time to develop. For one, B is still very cautious due to her last relationship, as am I in many ways.... for another, B senses that my heart may not be fully available and that I may not have acheived all the healing I need to yet.... not to mention, she's cautious about my "Scorpio moon" and her own heart! Anyway, Rosemary seems to think it will continue to unfold on through Sept and then maybe go some place.
BUT, then there's the TC factor. Rosemary drew cards on that situation, too. You and she remain convinced that TC and I have some future together.... She sees TC as finally coming back into the picture in late August, having finally dealt with some issues and realizing they were hers, not others, and asking herself about why she quit talking to me when it was enjoyable.... and starting the connection back up....
Sooooo.. let's see here. I have myself in a roil over A2's feelings for me. I still wonder about TC. She may come back into the picture in the middle of my trying to pursue some greater connection and relationship with B, who is also quite compatible chart-wise..... Maybe I should just back away from them all!!
Huge sigh.... (and suppressing a flirty comment about you.....LOL)
T: week. I've been so swamped since my horse got hurt trying to manage him and still ride another horse, take clients, take care of the kids since they don't have school and oh yea, I have a husband too! :) I'll try to give you a call when I'm going back and forth to the barn. I usually have about 10 minutes at a time.
BH: I've been ousted from my union presidency and am working at a regular job now. I can take a call if I am not occupied, but this week's day times has some crazy stuff in it.... so we may have a challenge getting each other. Evenings work, after 5:30 and somewhat early (because after 8:30 or so B and I are often together). Mornings, I'm generally up by 7 or 7:30 on my way to work at 8:45
Thanks. and best to you and your horse and all. /BH
Take care,
T
Love life a challenge
Out of town woman A2, having become my best friend, wants to be more finally -- but we're not really compatible astrologically, and she's got deeper issues to deal with than she realizes or seems willing to face.
Local woman very interesting and interested. But cautious. Astrologically compatible. Probably a past / other life (or several) connection.
Way out of town woman peeved at me last Spring, I'm told will come to grips with her issues and come back into the picture.... It's a mess.
I have the first one on my mind a lot (A2) as I am trying not to hurt her....
Local woman very interesting and interested. But cautious. Astrologically compatible. Probably a past / other life (or several) connection.
Way out of town woman peeved at me last Spring, I'm told will come to grips with her issues and come back into the picture.... It's a mess.
I have the first one on my mind a lot (A2) as I am trying not to hurt her....
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Major change in my world in the last few weeks. Hard to
explain, but I lost my presidency to a 25 y.o. boy.
3 years out of school, for pity's sake. Not really lived
life at all. Yet, my organization's executive board chose to
install him in my place.... weird politics in the background.
Again, hard to explain. Let's just say this kid was campaigning
for real in the background, while giving me a story about
being nominated as a token opposition. It's a decision that
will prove to be harmful to the members' interests, but
not one I can reverse or change.... So, life moves on.
Fortunately, I have a good relationship with my counterparts
at the employer and I have a job waiting if I want it. It's not
really a question of taking it -- and it's a good opportunity --
it's just a matter of details.
Big adjustment, though. I will go from being almost completely
self-directed, with fulsome authority and autonomy, to having
to follow directions and have almost NO autonomy. Ouch!!
But life has taught me, if nothing else, to be flexible and roll
with the punches. And more and greater opportunity is likely
to come along. The job waiting is at least a credible stop-gap
for me.
explain, but I lost my presidency to a 25 y.o. boy.
3 years out of school, for pity's sake. Not really lived
life at all. Yet, my organization's executive board chose to
install him in my place.... weird politics in the background.
Again, hard to explain. Let's just say this kid was campaigning
for real in the background, while giving me a story about
being nominated as a token opposition. It's a decision that
will prove to be harmful to the members' interests, but
not one I can reverse or change.... So, life moves on.
Fortunately, I have a good relationship with my counterparts
at the employer and I have a job waiting if I want it. It's not
really a question of taking it -- and it's a good opportunity --
it's just a matter of details.
Big adjustment, though. I will go from being almost completely
self-directed, with fulsome authority and autonomy, to having
to follow directions and have almost NO autonomy. Ouch!!
But life has taught me, if nothing else, to be flexible and roll
with the punches. And more and greater opportunity is likely
to come along. The job waiting is at least a credible stop-gap
for me.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Angel oracle guidance tonight
Well, so I went to get a DVD from my shelf to put on and my
"Healing with the Angels" deck (Doreen Virtue) called to me...
So I went through just basic exercise of casting 3 or
4 cards.... Very, very interesting.
Card 1: recent past -- New Beginnings. Yipe!! (and NO KIDDING,
that sure is what's up!! From the booklet, "A clean slate is
presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities
and novel experiences.... Embrace the new in your life.....
Sometimes we cling to old routines because they are
familiar....the angels ask you to be open to
new approaches to life..... allow yourself to be
stretched.....
Card 2: present life situation -- Self-Acceptance.
"Let go of negative self-judgements and enjoy
being you.... While it's important to have high standards,
it's important to view yourself through loving eyes.
Card 3: Near future events -- Miracles. "Expect a miracle....
be open to allowing God to help you resolve your
challenges in ways that will surprise you....Blessings are
surrounding you right now. Be open to a miracle
coming your way.
Card 4: Further future -- Truth & Integrity. "You are
guided to be very honest with yourself, and to be
true to yourself in all of your activities and actions....
Let go of anything inauthentic and all activities that
do not mirror your highest intentions for yourself.
Surrender troubling conditions.... Release the unhealthy
situation(s) and healing will happen rapidly....Expect
a miracle when you decide to "be true to you".
"Healing with the Angels" deck (Doreen Virtue) called to me...
So I went through just basic exercise of casting 3 or
4 cards.... Very, very interesting.
Card 1: recent past -- New Beginnings. Yipe!! (and NO KIDDING,
that sure is what's up!! From the booklet, "A clean slate is
presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities
and novel experiences.... Embrace the new in your life.....
Sometimes we cling to old routines because they are
familiar....the angels ask you to be open to
new approaches to life..... allow yourself to be
stretched.....
Card 2: present life situation -- Self-Acceptance.
"Let go of negative self-judgements and enjoy
being you.... While it's important to have high standards,
it's important to view yourself through loving eyes.
Card 3: Near future events -- Miracles. "Expect a miracle....
be open to allowing God to help you resolve your
challenges in ways that will surprise you....Blessings are
surrounding you right now. Be open to a miracle
coming your way.
Card 4: Further future -- Truth & Integrity. "You are
guided to be very honest with yourself, and to be
true to yourself in all of your activities and actions....
Let go of anything inauthentic and all activities that
do not mirror your highest intentions for yourself.
Surrender troubling conditions.... Release the unhealthy
situation(s) and healing will happen rapidly....Expect
a miracle when you decide to "be true to you".
more info
I have come to find out that there was far more going on covertly to engineer the recent change to my leadership capacity than met the eye at first. Much more. Quite disappointing, I must say, that people I thought respected me apparently do not. There is a fundamental lack of integrity that occurred that is very very troubling.
But, it's time for me to move on for now and let it be!!
But, it's time for me to move on for now and let it be!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Other consderations
This change is a large financial blow to me. I'm going to have to rapidly assess how to deal with that, as well. Probably starting with forcing M to deal with the house we own together. I CANNOT any longer support her by being the sole payor of the mortgage on that property. This situation FORCES me to a point of having to press her to pay the mortgage herself, or better yet, buy me out. Or sell the place. The status quo won't work.
I can afford my lifestyle and choices that are likely going to be available with a new placement at the employer -- if I only have to pay MY expenses and not the old "joint" expenses. She will have to find a way to "step up" or do something..... Or lose the house, together....
I also have a very nice Ford F-150 that I probably better get serious about trying to sell. For the time being, if I can get rid of it, I should be able to pick up another cheap around town vehicle that could be minimally insured. With no truck payment and low insurance payments, that too would help massively in my new financial situation to come.
OTOH, I think I have to continue making at least basic progress with my own house. Certainly getting the carpeting installed as planned. Roof?? Needed, but I'm not sure what I'll do with this situation being what it is....
We'll just have to see.
I can afford my lifestyle and choices that are likely going to be available with a new placement at the employer -- if I only have to pay MY expenses and not the old "joint" expenses. She will have to find a way to "step up" or do something..... Or lose the house, together....
I also have a very nice Ford F-150 that I probably better get serious about trying to sell. For the time being, if I can get rid of it, I should be able to pick up another cheap around town vehicle that could be minimally insured. With no truck payment and low insurance payments, that too would help massively in my new financial situation to come.
OTOH, I think I have to continue making at least basic progress with my own house. Certainly getting the carpeting installed as planned. Roof?? Needed, but I'm not sure what I'll do with this situation being what it is....
We'll just have to see.
Life changes
Today, my life took yet another unexpected turn. In effect, I lost a job that I thought was quite secure. I had a leadership position with an organization, governed by an executive board that elects the organization's leadership / officers. We've had a political war with some dissenters from within the greater membership for the last year.... which I thought I'd handled by and large gracefully for the organization. However, the board apparently, with perhaps too little aforethought, decided otherwise... and elected new leadership.
It's disquieting that they did such a thing with virtually no prior warning. I really did not see this coming.
Thing is, I don't know as they really assessed the potential consequences of their actions. I don't know as they understand that ultimately, they've fallen into the traps laid by the dissenters, even though the board is not part of that dissenting effort. They've essentially ratified the criticism mounted against me, personally.... and by extension, indicted the organization.
Not to mention, they've put a leader in place who is too young, has too little experience, etc. I don't think the broader membership is going to be well served by this change. It would be one thing to move toward succession in a considered and measured fashion. But what they've done here, however naively or inadvertently, bodes ill for the future of the organization. That worries me.
For my part, I am trying to stay optimistic -- confident that I will get through this in good order. Be placed in a good opportunity with the employer and that I will be, for my part,
OK in the long run. Big change.... but OK.
Still, I am disturbed and disquieted. All I can do is let things transpire as they will, though, and be open to a better future than ever.... whatever that may be for me.
Practically speaking, mucking out my office is not a small thing.... I'm not the most organized, either... So there are masses of papers to go through and organize in some fashion, even if that isn't my best talent. Mentoring the new leadership quickly.... etc, etc.... All that is more daunting to me than the prospects of finding a placement again at the U.
Big sigh.....
It's disquieting that they did such a thing with virtually no prior warning. I really did not see this coming.
Thing is, I don't know as they really assessed the potential consequences of their actions. I don't know as they understand that ultimately, they've fallen into the traps laid by the dissenters, even though the board is not part of that dissenting effort. They've essentially ratified the criticism mounted against me, personally.... and by extension, indicted the organization.
Not to mention, they've put a leader in place who is too young, has too little experience, etc. I don't think the broader membership is going to be well served by this change. It would be one thing to move toward succession in a considered and measured fashion. But what they've done here, however naively or inadvertently, bodes ill for the future of the organization. That worries me.
For my part, I am trying to stay optimistic -- confident that I will get through this in good order. Be placed in a good opportunity with the employer and that I will be, for my part,
OK in the long run. Big change.... but OK.
Still, I am disturbed and disquieted. All I can do is let things transpire as they will, though, and be open to a better future than ever.... whatever that may be for me.
Practically speaking, mucking out my office is not a small thing.... I'm not the most organized, either... So there are masses of papers to go through and organize in some fashion, even if that isn't my best talent. Mentoring the new leadership quickly.... etc, etc.... All that is more daunting to me than the prospects of finding a placement again at the U.
Big sigh.....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Her life
So, M has been making a point, I think, of having mostly less contact, and usually civil when she does. A little outside, at times, but mostly it's calm.... for now.
But, she booked a trip 2000 miles away, to ski for Xmas and all. Took her boy that lives in this area, and a friend of his (they drove!!) and had her older son meet her at the resort. It did NOT go well. I hear there was some good skiing, but wacko mom came out big time. The younger boy didn't complain much, but I know his tolerance got stretched a bit.... But, the older boy couldn't stand the scene overly long. Not a surprise. He's a bipolar person, and has to watch his emotional state. He's been working hard, I think, to keep his exposures to negativity low..... Anyway, I'd heard from the younger that the older boy seems to be buying his mother's "poor, abused me" stuff and that he pretty much agrees that "mom's really better off away from L".....
Here's the rest of the story. His aunt, whom I remain friends with, emailed him to see how things went and how he's doing, and here is what he wrote back to her. It is VERY TELLING about how ill M continues to be. I've left the names, as they're first names only and meaningless on their own:
Well since you asked... Yeah I had some serious reservations about spending 8 days with Mom and Josh, the only reason I went along with it was to support Mom being free of L (so she says) she was adamant on "the fam" spending Xmas together, so I went along with it, for as long as possible anyways. She was correct, it was freezing up there. Since everyone was bitching about me having the thermostat set at 75, one night I was wearing several layers, wrapped up in a blanket, wearing ski gloves in the condo. I've always been thin blooded but living in AZ for so long has taken it to the extreme. As far as snowboarding goes (or any winter sports for that matter) I'd rather not, the memory of my last outing when I broke my back is still fresh in my mind and I still feel the effects on a daily basis, so I'll stick to hiking, biking and camping thanks. I thought I made that relatively clear before hand, but occasionally we only hear what we want and not what is said. As far as the rest of the trip.... Yeah I talked to Lisa quite a bit, with her is where I really wanted to spend my holiday and she's been a huge part of my life and I far from enjoyed the company I was in, which is unfortunate but true. The first morning we were all together Mom was slamming cupboards as a way to wake Josh, I don't think she took into consideration that that was a rude way to wake me up, as if I should have expected anything less. Christmas day went like this-woke up-exchanged a few gifts-everybody left- I spent the day by myself- they came back and Josh and Mom had one of those verbally abusive arguments, she took off, Josh was bitching at me about her, when she returned they got into it again but this time mom started including me in her distain for josh (probably since I wasn't getting involved and defending her), so I started making reservations to get out of there. I packed my bag, booked a non-refundable hotel stay for the following two nights in Salt Lake City and the next day they all went skiing and when they came home I asked if someone would take me to SLC and mom said no, Josh said no, so I started looking into a rental car (again), of course nothing was available, so mom pitched a fit and said she'd take me even if it meant she might drive off the mountain because she was so tired. At that point I didn't want to get into a car with her anyways and I think it was shortly after she flung a flash light at me which flew apart after making contact with my shin and after she stopped flying off the handle and cussing at me that I informed her I would suck up the $100 I just wasted on the hotel room that night and stay at the condo if I could get a ride to the hotel the next day. So the remainder of the evening was spent listening to her talk shit to me and calling me everything but white but by the time she was on her way to bed she had settled down, she wrote me a check for $100 which I ripped up and threw in the trash. I interpreted that gesture as her attempt to excuse bad behavior or maybe it's her way of saying "I'm sorry". Needless to say when she realizes the check was never cashed I hope she understands that her informal apology was not accepted. Anyways, the next day things only got worse, after she dropped Josh and Andrew off at some ski resort she continued the onslaught of name calling, sarcastic remarks, verbal/emotional abuse- which I must say, having to listen to her put me down for an hour and a half certainly challenged my ability to keep myself in place of love and content. Even with my ipod on and the volume cranked up to drown her out I couldn't escape all the negative energy that was flowing my way. The entire experience was truly a living hell, but I learned a great deal. Family a side, those two are miserable people. Regardless of the fact that they are "blood", in my life I choose not to surround myself with people like that (hence I live 2800 miles away.) Between Josh trying to fire up arguments with me and Mom verbally trying to coax me off a cliff, thankfully I made it home pretty much unscathed (or so I keep reassuring myself), having only wasting 6 1/2 days and $400. At least when I got back to AZ I turned right around and drove to CA to see Bill, which was much needed and long over due. It was really great. I'm thankful that our relationship really evolved in the few days we shared together. Hopefully, someday you and I can do that. Considering most of the time we have spent together was when I was a little terror. Thank goodness I can't really be held accountable for being such a little shit back then! LOL
But, she booked a trip 2000 miles away, to ski for Xmas and all. Took her boy that lives in this area, and a friend of his (they drove!!) and had her older son meet her at the resort. It did NOT go well. I hear there was some good skiing, but wacko mom came out big time. The younger boy didn't complain much, but I know his tolerance got stretched a bit.... But, the older boy couldn't stand the scene overly long. Not a surprise. He's a bipolar person, and has to watch his emotional state. He's been working hard, I think, to keep his exposures to negativity low..... Anyway, I'd heard from the younger that the older boy seems to be buying his mother's "poor, abused me" stuff and that he pretty much agrees that "mom's really better off away from L".....
Here's the rest of the story. His aunt, whom I remain friends with, emailed him to see how things went and how he's doing, and here is what he wrote back to her. It is VERY TELLING about how ill M continues to be. I've left the names, as they're first names only and meaningless on their own:
Well since you asked... Yeah I had some serious reservations about spending 8 days with Mom and Josh, the only reason I went along with it was to support Mom being free of L (so she says) she was adamant on "the fam" spending Xmas together, so I went along with it, for as long as possible anyways. She was correct, it was freezing up there. Since everyone was bitching about me having the thermostat set at 75, one night I was wearing several layers, wrapped up in a blanket, wearing ski gloves in the condo. I've always been thin blooded but living in AZ for so long has taken it to the extreme. As far as snowboarding goes (or any winter sports for that matter) I'd rather not, the memory of my last outing when I broke my back is still fresh in my mind and I still feel the effects on a daily basis, so I'll stick to hiking, biking and camping thanks. I thought I made that relatively clear before hand, but occasionally we only hear what we want and not what is said. As far as the rest of the trip.... Yeah I talked to Lisa quite a bit, with her is where I really wanted to spend my holiday and she's been a huge part of my life and I far from enjoyed the company I was in, which is unfortunate but true. The first morning we were all together Mom was slamming cupboards as a way to wake Josh, I don't think she took into consideration that that was a rude way to wake me up, as if I should have expected anything less. Christmas day went like this-woke up-exchanged a few gifts-everybody left- I spent the day by myself- they came back and Josh and Mom had one of those verbally abusive arguments, she took off, Josh was bitching at me about her, when she returned they got into it again but this time mom started including me in her distain for josh (probably since I wasn't getting involved and defending her), so I started making reservations to get out of there. I packed my bag, booked a non-refundable hotel stay for the following two nights in Salt Lake City and the next day they all went skiing and when they came home I asked if someone would take me to SLC and mom said no, Josh said no, so I started looking into a rental car (again), of course nothing was available, so mom pitched a fit and said she'd take me even if it meant she might drive off the mountain because she was so tired. At that point I didn't want to get into a car with her anyways and I think it was shortly after she flung a flash light at me which flew apart after making contact with my shin and after she stopped flying off the handle and cussing at me that I informed her I would suck up the $100 I just wasted on the hotel room that night and stay at the condo if I could get a ride to the hotel the next day. So the remainder of the evening was spent listening to her talk shit to me and calling me everything but white but by the time she was on her way to bed she had settled down, she wrote me a check for $100 which I ripped up and threw in the trash. I interpreted that gesture as her attempt to excuse bad behavior or maybe it's her way of saying "I'm sorry". Needless to say when she realizes the check was never cashed I hope she understands that her informal apology was not accepted. Anyways, the next day things only got worse, after she dropped Josh and Andrew off at some ski resort she continued the onslaught of name calling, sarcastic remarks, verbal/emotional abuse- which I must say, having to listen to her put me down for an hour and a half certainly challenged my ability to keep myself in place of love and content. Even with my ipod on and the volume cranked up to drown her out I couldn't escape all the negative energy that was flowing my way. The entire experience was truly a living hell, but I learned a great deal. Family a side, those two are miserable people. Regardless of the fact that they are "blood", in my life I choose not to surround myself with people like that (hence I live 2800 miles away.) Between Josh trying to fire up arguments with me and Mom verbally trying to coax me off a cliff, thankfully I made it home pretty much unscathed (or so I keep reassuring myself), having only wasting 6 1/2 days and $400. At least when I got back to AZ I turned right around and drove to CA to see Bill, which was much needed and long over due. It was really great. I'm thankful that our relationship really evolved in the few days we shared together. Hopefully, someday you and I can do that. Considering most of the time we have spent together was when I was a little terror. Thank goodness I can't really be held accountable for being such a little shit back then! LOL
My life these days
is better than ever. I bought a foreclosed house I'm fixing up quickly. Will have created $40k or so in equity in it by summer. Enjoying living on my own. Dating. Have an FwB, although at our age, she'd rather be thought of as someone who hangs out with me, casually dating, and occasionally having sex..... Whatever. She's my best friend, but the romance bit isn't really a "thing" for good or ill or otherwise. Just a couple people who enjoy each other's company, and, occasionally, each others "parts". LOL.
Work's challenging for many reasons but it'll pass. Money's tight. But that will pass, too.
And, visiting with my son's family, enjoying my 5 y.o. grand-D, GREAT!!!
Work's challenging for many reasons but it'll pass. Money's tight. But that will pass, too.
And, visiting with my son's family, enjoying my 5 y.o. grand-D, GREAT!!!
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