with B. My phone rang with its whistling tone I have set as A2's ring. After a while, B made it plain that my getting that call peeved her. I challenged the matter a bit, but carefully. After a time, B figured out and shared that it was "my fears" that got kicked off.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Talked with A2. Mostly ok
got an email this afternoon requesting a conversation. Most of it was business related. Tale end got into that personal stuff that is an old song now....
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A2 no regrets, but anxiety remains
Just thinking it wise to try and get some of my thoughts and feelings out into my journal.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
still processing
some thoughts and feelings and remembrances of A2. I keep recollecting that I asked her outright at least twice over the time we were seeing each other if she was in love with me.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Having to stop the direct contact for awhile
I don't want to, but I have to stop the regular contact with A2.
Last Sunday night she indicated she'll be up here on Friday, wanted to get together and "just talk". Bad idea.... That can only lead to more hurt feelings or issues.
She even went so far as to broach coming up on Thursday (to stay over with me) to better accommodate her need to see me and talk.... an even worse idea.
I've emailed her, regretfully trying to make it very clear that there isn't any going back... I'm moving on and moving forward.
The truth is, I don't have to and don't intend to cut off contact forever. Not like I had to with M. I don't feel abused, or feel like there is a lot of negative to make sure doesn't arise.... or pathology (well, other than A2's difficulty with deeper emotional connection).
I would tell her that, again, but now is not the time. Not while she continues to have hope of "putting things back together".
Better if I just fall silent with her for now.
It will be tough enough seeing one another at a meeting a week from Friday.... That is cause for a little trepidation. Not because something unpleasant may occur, but because it will still be a raw wound -- really, for both of us.
The various revelations
are continuing to rustle around in my head:
- That A2 was (probably) in love with me 2 years ago (and never said so in all these years)
- That she thought I was with my Ex last January when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway
- That she was ready to "jump the broom" practically (after dismissing constantly the idea of ever being married again all the time previously) after getting the (inexpensive) jewelry I gave her for her b-day
- That she began to refer to us as "significant others" but without ever an expression of love.
- That my intuition about her feelings was right, right from the start.
- That she had such feelings without ever actually revealing them outright.
It is truly a tragicomedy.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
and what I finally emailed to A2
subject: thoughts before tomorrow
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
a little more
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
trying to sort thoughts out before A2's therapy session tomorrow
pages, mind dumping, sorting thoughts,
A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.
And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.
Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
So, history and observations to share…
Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.
Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).
Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.
Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…
So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.
Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:
Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.
Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.
A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.
And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.
Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
So, history and observations to share…
Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.
Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).
Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.
Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…
So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.
Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:
Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.
Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"Anniversary" per A2
First, I should say that B and I are getting along beautifully well. Establishing the terms of our relationship. Getting together regularly. Taking appropriate time outs. Generally seems happy and healthy between us.
A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.
The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.
Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.
She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.
Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.
Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.
I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.
I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...
But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....
So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)
Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.
I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....
She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....
I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.
I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....
Nuff said about that for now, though.
A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.
The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.
Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.
She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.
Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.
Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.
I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.
I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...
But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....
So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)
Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.
I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....
She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....
I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.
I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....
Nuff said about that for now, though.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
another amusing musing
Then there was the beer. "Did you find your beer? No other man has been here drinking your beer."
Poor thing. Only doubtful in love....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A few musings
and remembrances from the weekend....
I think I was the only man in A2's relationship life that ever treated her entirely well. For instance, I came across a very nice microwave oven last month. Much nicer than hers, at a garage sale. Paid $5 for it and insisted she take it in trade for a small, crappy one she had (which I took to my office).
I think I was the only man in A2's relationship life that ever treated her entirely well. For instance, I came across a very nice microwave oven last month. Much nicer than hers, at a garage sale. Paid $5 for it and insisted she take it in trade for a small, crappy one she had (which I took to my office).
She still comments about how no one ever treated her so nicely as I have.
A relatively inexpensive and innocuous birthday gift had a lot of meaning for her. I think perhaps no one has given her much jewelry in the past, unless it was related to "playing" her or getting a bit more serious.....
I paid maybe $25 for a semi-precious stone birthstone necklace. Just a small ruby set in silverplate. I picked it up at a craft show and thought it would be a nice, inexpensive gift.... which I gave her on her birthday.....
A relatively inexpensive and innocuous birthday gift had a lot of meaning for her. I think perhaps no one has given her much jewelry in the past, unless it was related to "playing" her or getting a bit more serious.....
I paid maybe $25 for a semi-precious stone birthstone necklace. Just a small ruby set in silverplate. I picked it up at a craft show and thought it would be a nice, inexpensive gift.... which I gave her on her birthday.....
Well, she surprised the absolute hell out of me when one of the things she told me was that she almost told me at the time that she loved me and if that jewelry was intended to be "marital jewelry, the answer is 'yes'."
That just about blew me away.... Here I've been moving toward less involvement, disengaging and detaching.... and she was suddenly surprisingly ready to "jump the broom".
What in the world do you do with THAT kind of information??!! Going from not even being able to hear the word "love" in a sentence without reacting violently against it, never hinting at the full feeling being there.... to declaring love, over and over and as much as saying she was ready to marry!!
I can only shake my head almost in disbelief.... Wow.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Song: "Good night and thank you" from Evita. An irony
Irony upon irony upon irony commencing Saturday night and Sunday morning.
One irony was that A2 had just Saturday over the course of visiting with her long time friends told them that "I love him". And, they asked if she had EVER told me about her feelings. Of course, she had to tell them no... and then, when I dropped the bombshell on her Saturday night..... It was quite the irony.
Music and serendipity came into play, too.
With my intentions toward what had to happen with A2 clear in my mind and heart, the referenced song ran through my head, with its chorus:
- Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies
But we have pretended enough
It's best that we both stop fooling ourselves
So I downloaded it, added it to my "Recently downloaded" playlist and "shuffled" that list to play as I'm driving down to see A2 FTF, in part to help her with her visiting hospitalized friends, and in part to finish that which needed to be done FTF.
So, after driving roughly 68 of the 72 miles.... what song begins to play? Yes, the very one.
The irony as I drove up her street with the final choruses of that song playing was very, very thick. I was really quite struck by the serendipity. Quite.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
One key similarity to M
On my morning walk, I realized there is a key similarity with the relationship with A2 and that with M:
In both cases, I was meeting more of the partner's needs, than she of mine.
Now, in M's case, the needs I was meeting were in part quite pathological and related to her illness and my tendency to "caretake".
In A2's case, it's a bit different.... hard to define. She needs an anchor relationship, but with soft hands emotionally.... She's not very in touch with her own emotional needs. And, frankly, the physical distance I think worked for quite a while because of the way it introduced an element of "arms-length" to the relationship. In other words, since she finds it alarming to be "too close", the lack of proximity worked for that.
On the other hand, I need to feel strongly connected emotionally, but without the neediness and pathologies of the past.
UNlike M
At least there's this. UNlike M, I don't feel like I need to make a break with any FUTURE connection or possibilities.
There is a lot good about A2 and what we've had together. And, I won't set aside a possibility that we may one day come together in that "soul mate" way she things she's found with me. But, now is not the time.
But, as I said, with M the pathology and the lack of progress in her recovery from BPD made it absolutely necessary to break, break completely and forever.
For ME, that's not the case with A2. We'll see how she feels about a less "tight" relationship continuing hence. I don't have control over that. Although, I expect she'll need some recovery and adjustment time.
If only
she had said something last Spring when first she "realized" or actually "fell" in love....
Perhaps I would not have been open to renewing my former relationship with B.
I don't know, though. But perhaps.
Still, it's just as well. The factors and concerns that brought me to making this move are independent of things with B. I think I first began to entertain the need to "dial it down" when A2 started sounding increasingly serious about running for statewide president. As I contemplated that, I could see a future where instead of the hassle of a 75 minute commute to see each other, there's be a parsity of quality time together. The job she's going after can be very, very taxing. I think she'll need her friends (including me) to help support her.... but I am hard pressed that she could sustain HER side of a true relationship while serving in that capacity.
So, it's as well to get this change made now.... Nuff said.
and her plan
and, I can't say I'm surprised... but last night another one of the "secrets" that came out was her apparently recent decision to run. "I wanted you to be the first to know and I was going to tell you when you came down here. I bought champagne and caviar and really wanted to celebrate."
Wow.
She always has treated me well for food and drink and such.... But, still....
I was not going to say anything about how I thought the race and the service if elected would affect things. And, I likely will not.
Still, one of the things she was "going to do" was announce to all our leadership colleagues that we were a couple; quite in love with each other" etc, etc, at next month's meeting.
That would be political mistake in my opinion... so in the sense of her statewide political agenda, my desire to shift the basis of our relationship serves her better than she knows.
Note, she was going to announce a WE love each other because, as she said, she had thought that's where I was at... and only now had come to a point of admitting her own.
Now she's hurting because she realizes there is a too little / too late or a day late and a dollar short aspect of the situation....
and a future that seemed troubling to me too
And then there's the politics with the statewide organization.
I haven't said a thing about this, but have felt that if A2 decided to run for state-wide president, that was all the more reason to step back from the deeply personal. I'm not likely to be happy being the "Norm in the background" like the current president has with her hubby.
To put it another way, A2 would need to spend so much time campaigning and then in service, that I don't see where it would leave much for an "us".
Seems a little harsh. But there it is. Perhaps, she'd keep a place up in my area as well, since I live in the same town as the headquarters. And perhaps that would result in some other / more opportunity to get together.... But, right now I just think it would make it even more difficult to sustain a relationship. And, it most certainly would give her lots of other places to focus her attention other than on an "us".
And, quite frankly, I don't think she's going to be very happy in the role if she is elected. For all her brashness, she's not that big on constantly working people and being "on". She thinks she is. But it wears and wearies her.
That's what I think, anyway, FWIW
A little over the top
Nearly 15 texts, 6 or 8 emails....
I can't say that I'm surprised. Now that A2 has professed love for me, she's done so over and over and over in message after message after text after text. She really wants to come this way (or I may go hers) to do what? Some of the last things one does?? Try and salvage things? What....?
But here's the thing. When I could have fallen in love with her, she couldn't with me, or at least, couldn't face and express those feelings.
In fact, it wasn't that long ago, this winter I think, when I made idle statements that she started to interpret as "I love you" statements. Statements that were more expression of affection, acknowledgement of the deep love between good / best friends.
and it scared the HELL out of her. If she thought I was even remotely going to touch those words, she'd react, almost to the point of clapping her hands over her ears to not hear me.
I think that's when I knew it was time to rethink where things were going, or could. Other factors were involved, but that was a big one. After all the time, and plainly great connection and deep friendship (that I hope abides).... to be scared, SCARED that I might express LOVE to her.... that came to be too much. Too clear that her emotional intimacy issues need some solid work.
Other things niggled, but were less of a triggering factor. She's not very affectionate. Likes an occasional private hug, to greet, leave, etc. Not much for kissing (blames MY breathe -- coffee/beer -- but even good thorough mouth cleansing didn't make much dent in the lack of kissing stuff). She's very dim on public display like holding hands, or arms around, etc.
And, she's really a bit narcissistic. A 30 minute phone conversation will be no more than 5 minutes of words from me (I know I can be taciturn, but really). She can go on and on about what's on her mind or the latest intrigue in her unit or with the state affiliate. Never much about feelings or personal topics, unless you include the worry over some temporarily infirm friends that she's worried about and visiting regularly.
Last thing that strikes me is her most annoying tendency to give advice when none is asked for. Often with the poisonness words, "You should..." It's a communication style more typical of a man. Anyway, being an extrovert, I like to talk about concerns and issues out loud to help sort and talk them through. But, I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I usually just sloughed it off. But, it was / is an annoyance.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
the incessance
In contrast to the way B simply "walked away" at the time and left things be and let go....
A2 is doing the incessant call / text message thing tonight. Not surprised.
I may go her way tomorrow to finish talking things through. We'll see.
A fine mess
I've told A2 that I need to move us to a friendship footing... which of course led to having to elaborate. I kind of expected that if I started into the matter on the phone, she'd want to hear the whole horror.
I tried to keep it pretty simple. Simply told her that we were in different places; that she'd seemed to think we were "exclusive" and "significant others"... but that I wasn't and hadn't been in that place. She pushed for more, and all the more real info I would give her was that "I've met someone in this area that I'm very interested in and I want to see where it goes."
Then, she dropped the "L" bomb... and told me (quite too late, now) that "I love you". Says she realized it at my last concert.... nearly told me at a business event.... and had been planning to let me, and all our friends and leadership peers know at the next meeting of our Board, in October.
She admitted she had not been "brave enough" to say so until now.
It's exactly what I was afraid of, and frankly, how I was reading the situation. But, I'd not gotten to my place without a lot of thought and deliberation.
I know I'm not in love with her. I'm fairly certain I'm in love with B, though. With A2, the feelings haven't gone beyond strong friendship for my part. And, frankly, I know that once getting to that point of realization, it might be cruel to "lead her on" in some way, as if I felt more strongly.
But, I'm firm in my resolve. I may go and visit to wrap stuff up and do the march we're supposed to do. But, I'm firm that I need to dial down A2, and "clear the decks" to see what develops with B.
That's part of what I did last February in breaking off with B; making room for me and A2 to become all that we were going to.... For me, it's not "in love". It's simply great, strong affection for a wonderful friend. I deeply care about her. But I'm not in love with her.
I hope all this doesn't break her heart for all time, and there's part of me that thinks a future could, at some point, develop there. It's not a strong possibility. But, still strikes me.
The limitations A2 has on her ability to display affection and move into deeper intimacy are a pretty severe detriment, though.
My head hurts a bit from the angst and difficulty of having such conversation. Time for bed in a moment.
It has come to the time
to try, try, try to move A2 to friendship footing. I hope it can be done without too much hurt or without losing the friendship completely.
But the fact is, I'm not in love with her. Didn't fall in love with her.... and when feelings might have approached that, she was unable to cross the line anyway. There are numerous ways in which as a "relationship" possibility, that situation falls short. Commuter relationship. Lack of displayed affection. Inability to actually "love".....
Plus, I'm pretty much in love with B. Let her back in my life, and tumbled quickly into love. Or so it feels... and it's scary. "Loving" was not kind to me with M. I'm not altogether certain I am healed enough to truly love and have it last. But, it looks like I'm going to travel that road for awhile with B. As they say, a person comes into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Time will tell.
Monday, August 24, 2009
When, how, what with A2?
Then there comes the question.... If I truly feel that in terms of relationship and deeper intimacy, that which I have with A2 is pretty superficial... .How long should I let that continue??
How do I move to a more honest situation between her and I? And how do I do that with a minimum of hurtfulness??
Will the friendship endure??
A2 thinks of me as her significant other. I haven't been comfortable with that since she started using the term. But, that's where she is....
My, my, my....
How do I move to a more honest situation between her and I? And how do I do that with a minimum of hurtfulness??
Will the friendship endure??
A2 thinks of me as her significant other. I haven't been comfortable with that since she started using the term. But, that's where she is....
My, my, my....
Have I hardened my heart?
What is love? How do you find healthy love?
How long will I distrust my heart....??
How do I distinguish between love, person addiction, or infatuation?
I feel like I'm 16 and I am really lost....
How long will I distrust my heart....??
How do I distinguish between love, person addiction, or infatuation?
I feel like I'm 16 and I am really lost....
So, now what?
ssThat is the question that arises.... A2 calls at somewhat earlier times than she had been in the habit of.... 9ish instead of the usual 10 p.m.... Partly because I've been less accessible due to B's visits... Partly, I am thinking, because she's getting suspicious.... Fair enough.
B and I had some notable conversation last night as I gingerly broached the fact that we've become fully sexual, which brings up issues of sexual health and safety. (B has latex sensitivity, and hence tends toward unprotected sex, when she feels physically and emotionally safe to have it....
I had been wondering what other involvements she may have or have had since last February. I also was certain that she's rightfully been wondering about my situation with A2. B deferred to me going first, since I brought the subject matter up.... and I told her point-blank that my situation had not changed. No other involvements. But, still a sexual connotation to my friendship with A2.
I don't recall the whole conversation in series, but we covered important aspects.... She indicated she had not mentioned the one gentleman (W) that I knew she was also involved with last winter because she's no longer involved with him. She indicated she'd done a lot of dating since I broke things off with her. But, as for my concern that a flippant remark she'd made about "the whole hooking up with internet dates ..... " it had no sexual reference as she meant it. Just meant to say it's a weird dating world to dive into.
She is also seeing "Bob". Slightly attracted to him, but not nearly to the extent that she is to me. She "could" become sexual with Bob, but has not as yet.... She made it plain she'd frankly rather get full blown into a relationship with me. (Funny, I think we already have one...)
By that, I'm given to understand a full-time (with space for each of us, of course), exclusive situation. No doubt, she'd keep her apartment.....
I asked her straight up: "Do you love me?" Meaning, as she clearly understood, "Are you in love with me?". She said, "I think I might be. Pretty much.".
I admitted to her (not without trepidation) that I'm having similar thoughts....
She did say, though, that if I was going to continue to have a deep relationship with A2, that things between us would need to stay pretty static -- where they are (not ceasing, not deepening involvement either one). And, she wasn't going to remain exclusive with me if the fact of the situation with A2 remains as it is.
I find that fair. I wasn't presuming B and I were exclusive, so I hadn't contemplated her feeling of exclusiveness with me, while I continue to nurture two vital, important relationships....
Anyway, what I told her re: A2 is exactly how I feel. I care a lot for her. It's a very deep friendship. But, after the time that's gone by, I would expect to be in love with her if that's where that was going to go. But it hasn't. (Truly, that was one of my purposes in ending things with B last February -- to "clear the decks" so that A2 and I could become as deeply involved as we could.... I have come to realize that the friendship is fairly deep... but intimacy-wise, it's superficial between us.... THAT is probably a whole different posting....)
I went on to say, "I'll put it this way. I know I am not in love with A2. I cannot say that about you. I'm not saying I AM in love. But I also cannot say that I am NOT.
We also explored a bit why I had put things before with the breakup in terms of my emotional UNhealth. B still took / assumed some responsibility even though I tried to make it clear that it was not who / what she was or anything she was particularly doing.
I explained, as best I could, that for any number of reasons, finding it harder to read B, for instance, being pretty sensitive to how she might react, etc, etc.... I had tended to fall back into an old, unhealthy emotional pattern. Avoidance, PTSD reactions.... etc. I tried very hard to make it clear that it was ME. Not her. ME.
I further stated that going down this conversational road was in part due to my trying hard not to repeat that set of behaviors with her this time.
I think the conversation went fairly well. I suspect from a text message I received that B is still a bit bothered by some aspects.... But I do think it went well.
I'd like to think we have a friendship bond that will last. It may very well become a love relationship bond for a time as well. I'm just not buying that I'm ready for that one last time and forever relationship just yet.
But, as they say, people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime.
I think it's unlikely that I've found anyone yet to be that one for the rest of my lifetime.
B and I had some notable conversation last night as I gingerly broached the fact that we've become fully sexual, which brings up issues of sexual health and safety. (B has latex sensitivity, and hence tends toward unprotected sex, when she feels physically and emotionally safe to have it....
I had been wondering what other involvements she may have or have had since last February. I also was certain that she's rightfully been wondering about my situation with A2. B deferred to me going first, since I brought the subject matter up.... and I told her point-blank that my situation had not changed. No other involvements. But, still a sexual connotation to my friendship with A2.
I don't recall the whole conversation in series, but we covered important aspects.... She indicated she had not mentioned the one gentleman (W) that I knew she was also involved with last winter because she's no longer involved with him. She indicated she'd done a lot of dating since I broke things off with her. But, as for my concern that a flippant remark she'd made about "the whole hooking up with internet dates ..... " it had no sexual reference as she meant it. Just meant to say it's a weird dating world to dive into.
She is also seeing "Bob". Slightly attracted to him, but not nearly to the extent that she is to me. She "could" become sexual with Bob, but has not as yet.... She made it plain she'd frankly rather get full blown into a relationship with me. (Funny, I think we already have one...)
By that, I'm given to understand a full-time (with space for each of us, of course), exclusive situation. No doubt, she'd keep her apartment.....
I asked her straight up: "Do you love me?" Meaning, as she clearly understood, "Are you in love with me?". She said, "I think I might be. Pretty much.".
I admitted to her (not without trepidation) that I'm having similar thoughts....
She did say, though, that if I was going to continue to have a deep relationship with A2, that things between us would need to stay pretty static -- where they are (not ceasing, not deepening involvement either one). And, she wasn't going to remain exclusive with me if the fact of the situation with A2 remains as it is.
I find that fair. I wasn't presuming B and I were exclusive, so I hadn't contemplated her feeling of exclusiveness with me, while I continue to nurture two vital, important relationships....
Anyway, what I told her re: A2 is exactly how I feel. I care a lot for her. It's a very deep friendship. But, after the time that's gone by, I would expect to be in love with her if that's where that was going to go. But it hasn't. (Truly, that was one of my purposes in ending things with B last February -- to "clear the decks" so that A2 and I could become as deeply involved as we could.... I have come to realize that the friendship is fairly deep... but intimacy-wise, it's superficial between us.... THAT is probably a whole different posting....)
I went on to say, "I'll put it this way. I know I am not in love with A2. I cannot say that about you. I'm not saying I AM in love. But I also cannot say that I am NOT.
We also explored a bit why I had put things before with the breakup in terms of my emotional UNhealth. B still took / assumed some responsibility even though I tried to make it clear that it was not who / what she was or anything she was particularly doing.
I explained, as best I could, that for any number of reasons, finding it harder to read B, for instance, being pretty sensitive to how she might react, etc, etc.... I had tended to fall back into an old, unhealthy emotional pattern. Avoidance, PTSD reactions.... etc. I tried very hard to make it clear that it was ME. Not her. ME.
I further stated that going down this conversational road was in part due to my trying hard not to repeat that set of behaviors with her this time.
I think the conversation went fairly well. I suspect from a text message I received that B is still a bit bothered by some aspects.... But I do think it went well.
I'd like to think we have a friendship bond that will last. It may very well become a love relationship bond for a time as well. I'm just not buying that I'm ready for that one last time and forever relationship just yet.
But, as they say, people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime.
I think it's unlikely that I've found anyone yet to be that one for the rest of my lifetime.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Weird-ass mood I'm in
Back to seeing B regularly, but trying to keep a lid on it. Still close with A2, but troubled that I don't see that relationship becoming deeply loving and affectionate. It will always be some variation of close friendship, perhaps with benefits for however that lasts.... but I don't see it becoming more....
With B, I am back to being totally confused about my feelings toward her. I can't tell the difference between perhaps, just perhaps, being "in love" vs just plain relationship / person addiction. I'm really quite flummoxed.
That one is a far more affectionate relationship when we get together. We both find it easy to be with the other. Goddammit. I just don't know what the hell....
I also have found myself intrigued, surprised (but not really troubled) by jealousy toward her. I presume she sees others, as she presumes of me... .I expect her to be tolerant of my freedom and other interests.. and I should be of hers.... Yet, more than a few times, when I've not reached her... I've presume she's dating or with another gentleman... and I'm actually a bit jealous of it. An odd feeling for me.
I'm looking for the right conversational time to bring truths, from both of us, out into the open. I'd like to think that I / we could handle being a bit more open and honest about each other and other involvements.... but, who knows for sure...
And then... there's the new possibility on the horizon. Old flame from high school, living in FL, who has come back into my universe. Strictly email friends right now. S hasn't even braved phoning me even though she has my number. She also hasn't shared whether she's seeing anyone there nor asked about my dating life.... Interesting. She's worn well through the years.
another story... maybe much yet to be told....
and Mel.... seems to be cold and out of the picture for this lifetime. I know there's a strong metaphysical connection... but she's not seeming to get over her angst....
Friday, August 7, 2009
Michelle and Jackie
Just recording a pleasant memory. Went to Harpers tonight to drink craft beer and listen to the music on one of the stages for the local folk festival. Conversation struck up with two very beautiful young women, 21 y.o.. Michelle, from Grand Rapids, and Jackie from Okemos. Very smart young women who did their BAs in 3 years and have each started second degree programs.
I think I was some safe, male energy for them. They talked (esp Jackie) about how intimidating guys their age find smart, independent, self-assured women. We had great conversation and camaraderie. But, nothing that crossed any lines and nothing tawdry.
They were headed to a local dance club afterwards that I would have had to beg off of, had they invited me along. Too loud and smoky!
But I definitely hope to encounter them again. I appreciated their energy and conversation, and I think the inverse was also true.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Shivered
Today's horoscope (Holiday Mathis) for me:
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You'll meet your match. Either this person is so much like you that you'll be talking for hours or so different from you that you'll be listening for hours. Either way, there's fantastic chemistry.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You'll be filled with strong feelings. Your passion can move mountains if you apply it well. Contain your enthusiasm just enough to match the tone of your surroundings and then bring it up notch by notch.
and.... well, what has happened but one of my favorite GFs from High School just today confirmed me as a friend on FB... AND put up pix before the end of the day AND still seems quite comely to me at this point....
I wonder..... Truly gives me a touch of the shivers....
Plus, I had been thinking about where to try and vacation yet this year "on my own"... I had had a fleeting thought about Daytona Fl.... and guess where SP lives?? Yup. Not quite jumping to make the reservations.... but.... it is crossing my mind. Let things develop over a few days and see...
Still, even if it was just a connection with an old classmate and sweetheart in the area... why not??
hmmmm......
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Advice Goddess Alkon
got a kick out of the latest column
http://www.lansingcitypulse.com/lansing/article-3272-buy-sexual-and-boys-r-us.html
Polyamory -- honestly, still the relationship construct I would prefer
http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164/
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A follow-up to the previous message.
From http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
Not much different from me and my own situation!!.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Passionate "early" love explained?
Well, especially as I contemplate that which I previously posted.. the following article / reference helps explain a LOT!!
From UTNE Reader, July-August 2009
Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Nerves
by Julie Hanus
Ah, love: that yearning, burning, transcendently punch-drunk state of being. And it all begins with . . . attachment anxiety? For decades, researchers have probed the origin of love, tediously mining questionnaires and surveys for clues as to how sparks fly (and which ones stay lit). Now they’re making game-changing discoveries, reports Science News (Feb. 14, 2009), thanks to a distinctly modern opportunity to do field research: speed dating.
“Speed-dating investigations . . . illuminate a considerable gap between what people say they’re looking for in a romantic partner and traits of the people they actually want to go out with,” behavioral sciences editor Bruce Bower writes. Stereotypical points of allure, like physical attractiveness and financial stability, are less important than people tend to estimate when filling out surveys after the fact. Instead, relationships seem to blossom out of nervousness. Specifically, the anxiety of yearning for deep, emotionally attached love—the sort of connection that takes years to form—and not being sure if the fantasy is reciprocated.
In one study, psychologists at Northwestern University conducted speed-dating events with 160 college-age participants, who then reported on their love lives over the next month. More than any other factor, apprehension regarding a partner’s feelings prompted continued interest in the relationship (note from BH: LOTS to think about here. This is kind of how I feel toward B, but it is also very close to how one can feel when you are addicted in a relationship or you care for someone with BPD. No wonder I find it soooo confusing.). Daters who felt undesired jumped ship (no hope), but so did daters who felt too desired (no uncertainty) (note from BH: this is close to what I feel re: A2, and I do wonder about the longterm, sticking around, leaving, etc). “It is almost as if a central component of passionate love is [having] the fantasy that one will ultimately possess an attachment bond with the desired partner,” one of the researchers told Science News. But not being sure it’s in the bag.
From UTNE Reader, July-August 2009
Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Nerves
by Julie Hanus
Ah, love: that yearning, burning, transcendently punch-drunk state of being. And it all begins with . . . attachment anxiety? For decades, researchers have probed the origin of love, tediously mining questionnaires and surveys for clues as to how sparks fly (and which ones stay lit). Now they’re making game-changing discoveries, reports Science News (Feb. 14, 2009), thanks to a distinctly modern opportunity to do field research: speed dating.
“Speed-dating investigations . . . illuminate a considerable gap between what people say they’re looking for in a romantic partner and traits of the people they actually want to go out with,” behavioral sciences editor Bruce Bower writes. Stereotypical points of allure, like physical attractiveness and financial stability, are less important than people tend to estimate when filling out surveys after the fact. Instead, relationships seem to blossom out of nervousness. Specifically, the anxiety of yearning for deep, emotionally attached love—the sort of connection that takes years to form—and not being sure if the fantasy is reciprocated.
In one study, psychologists at Northwestern University conducted speed-dating events with 160 college-age participants, who then reported on their love lives over the next month. More than any other factor, apprehension regarding a partner’s feelings prompted continued interest in the relationship (note from BH: LOTS to think about here. This is kind of how I feel toward B, but it is also very close to how one can feel when you are addicted in a relationship or you care for someone with BPD. No wonder I find it soooo confusing.). Daters who felt undesired jumped ship (no hope), but so did daters who felt too desired (no uncertainty) (note from BH: this is close to what I feel re: A2, and I do wonder about the longterm, sticking around, leaving, etc). “It is almost as if a central component of passionate love is [having] the fantasy that one will ultimately possess an attachment bond with the desired partner,” one of the researchers told Science News. But not being sure it’s in the bag.
Seeing B again, occasionally
and I like it.
but I remain confused about my feelings toward / for her.... vs A2 vs healthy emotional attachment vs relationship addiction.
but I remain confused about my feelings toward / for her.... vs A2 vs healthy emotional attachment vs relationship addiction.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
FB Lifetime match
quiz results interesting.... B has a lot of Virgo in her.... that might be some of the draw.... (might also be like a moth to a flame....)
completed the quiz "Who is your lifetime match?" with the result They are born between 24th August - 23rd September.
You're a big dreamer and in love, you're looking for the one. It's not easy as you find lots of flaws with all the potential lovers that cross your path. But you don't give up hope and continue your quest come hell or high water. As you get older, you lower your expectations and end up telling yourself that perfection maybe doesn't exist after all. You therefore find yourself content with a caring, intelligent and affectionate person (wealth isn't important to you, it's just an accessory that's of no real concern for you). And you love them loads... A bit too much, perhaps! Careful not to smother them. You will make their dreams come true through just being you. They will feel they can show how they really feel to you because of your open nature inspires them to open up to you. Probably only you will know how sensitive, gentle and romantic they can be. They can learn a lot from you. Therefore you complete each other..
completed the quiz "Who is your lifetime match?" with the result They are born between 24th August - 23rd September.
You're a big dreamer and in love, you're looking for the one. It's not easy as you find lots of flaws with all the potential lovers that cross your path. But you don't give up hope and continue your quest come hell or high water. As you get older, you lower your expectations and end up telling yourself that perfection maybe doesn't exist after all. You therefore find yourself content with a caring, intelligent and affectionate person (wealth isn't important to you, it's just an accessory that's of no real concern for you). And you love them loads... A bit too much, perhaps! Careful not to smother them. You will make their dreams come true through just being you. They will feel they can show how they really feel to you because of your open nature inspires them to open up to you. Probably only you will know how sensitive, gentle and romantic they can be. They can learn a lot from you. Therefore you complete each other..
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Druidcraft tarot A2
Rode my bike, trying to assess and sort thoughts... Feeling weary (and allergic!!).
Did a Druidcraft tarot, hexagram spread regarding matters with A2.
It seems to indicate I need to withdraw a bit and do more inner work... not sure what to make of it.
the cast:
Card 1, apparent, conscious issue
The Hermit
seems to indicate I'm again at a stage where I need to withdraw a bit, retreat, seek guidance, let things take care of themselves as they will. Silence and solitude to refresh the soul.
Card 2, point of tension
10 of Pentacles
talks of balance and blessings (sending and receiving). I almost feel like this card is indicating that there is a barrier aspect of the relationship with A2 that is preventing me from receiving all the blessings that might come my way.
I think it also indicates that this has been a mutually blessed/blessing relationship, but things may be out of balance in some ways.
Card 3, way to resolution
3 of swords
Heartache, potential for transformation. "out of heartache can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love. A love triangle.... temporary separation.... true growth and transformation...."
Card 4, the unrevolved or unconscious inner determinant
10 of swords
May be indicating that "a long-term situation - a relationship - may have come to an end..."
I wonder if I'm unconsciously (or maybe not so unconsciously) gearing up to move the relationship with A2 more to a friendship setting and less a "love" relationship...
Card 5, the pivot of change
King of swords, inverted
talks of the deliberate withholding of information (I take this to also be a reference to A2's reluctance to go "too deep" with the relationship -- her emotional intimacy issues she hasn't faced, and likely won't.
"the ability to communicate clearly and objectively may have become distorted...."
Card 6, the key to harmony
3 of cups, inverted
Points back at the need to pay attention to my inner needs. May be indicating too much focus on the relationship with A2 to the detriment of other interests, opportunities, and neglect of my own, and my inner needs.
Look within.
So this reading starts and ends with a reflection of a need to be more contemplative -- turn inward. Think on things, so to speak.
Did a Druidcraft tarot, hexagram spread regarding matters with A2.
It seems to indicate I need to withdraw a bit and do more inner work... not sure what to make of it.
the cast:
Card 1, apparent, conscious issue
The Hermit
seems to indicate I'm again at a stage where I need to withdraw a bit, retreat, seek guidance, let things take care of themselves as they will. Silence and solitude to refresh the soul.
Card 2, point of tension
10 of Pentacles
talks of balance and blessings (sending and receiving). I almost feel like this card is indicating that there is a barrier aspect of the relationship with A2 that is preventing me from receiving all the blessings that might come my way.
I think it also indicates that this has been a mutually blessed/blessing relationship, but things may be out of balance in some ways.
Card 3, way to resolution
3 of swords
Heartache, potential for transformation. "out of heartache can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love. A love triangle.... temporary separation.... true growth and transformation...."
Card 4, the unrevolved or unconscious inner determinant
10 of swords
May be indicating that "a long-term situation - a relationship - may have come to an end..."
I wonder if I'm unconsciously (or maybe not so unconsciously) gearing up to move the relationship with A2 more to a friendship setting and less a "love" relationship...
Card 5, the pivot of change
King of swords, inverted
talks of the deliberate withholding of information (I take this to also be a reference to A2's reluctance to go "too deep" with the relationship -- her emotional intimacy issues she hasn't faced, and likely won't.
"the ability to communicate clearly and objectively may have become distorted...."
Card 6, the key to harmony
3 of cups, inverted
Points back at the need to pay attention to my inner needs. May be indicating too much focus on the relationship with A2 to the detriment of other interests, opportunities, and neglect of my own, and my inner needs.
Look within.
So this reading starts and ends with a reflection of a need to be more contemplative -- turn inward. Think on things, so to speak.
mulling
I'm tired this a.m.. got nearly 8 hours of sleep, but still tired.
Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...
I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).
But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.
For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.
My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...
I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.
A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....
I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.
A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.
She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.
Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.
I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".
And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.
If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??
I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....
and that continues to be missing... interesting....
Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...
I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).
But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.
For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.
My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...
I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.
A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....
I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.
A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.
She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.
Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.
I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".
And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.
If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??
I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....
and that continues to be missing... interesting....
Saturday, May 30, 2009
concert
was nice... on the other hand, I saw my old love interest there (alone) as I'm there with my date....
Brings up interesting feelings....
I don't know why I seem to be having a hard time completely shaking my feelings for B.
Not sure if I cared for her more than I realized, or am missing a convenient, but interesting, addictive relationship.
I just don't know....
It would be really easy to try and strike something back up... but, I think I need to not do that for a whole host of reasons.... I still don't think it was, or would be, an entirely healthy relationship. Some of that lack of health came from her, some from the relationship dynamics, much from within me within the context of that relationship.
hmmmmm.....
Brings up interesting feelings....
I don't know why I seem to be having a hard time completely shaking my feelings for B.
Not sure if I cared for her more than I realized, or am missing a convenient, but interesting, addictive relationship.
I just don't know....
It would be really easy to try and strike something back up... but, I think I need to not do that for a whole host of reasons.... I still don't think it was, or would be, an entirely healthy relationship. Some of that lack of health came from her, some from the relationship dynamics, much from within me within the context of that relationship.
hmmmmm.....
sigh..... A2
I'm a little tired.... a little pensive.... a little bothered. Apparently A2 and I have entered that "expectations" phase of the relationship. Sigh.
I'm not sure how much of it is her wariness of being fully, deeply immersed in a relationship, and how much it's me not quite wanting to go there, yet, with her (or maybe anyone)....
I do think it's too soon to be deep and "permanent" in thoughts....
Anyway, we've seen each other every week / weekend of the month of May, save this one...
So, earlier this week when I saw a concert of interest coming up for tonight, I took the opportunity to make a date for the afternoon and evening with a new lady I've been getting to know.
See, I have been getting mixed signals right along from A2. She acts like we're significant others in certain ways, and yet often she'll make remarks encouraging me to continue to "look", "get the experiences you missed", etc. Or, she'll make remarks that make it plain she expects to be "betrayed" by me (again) sooner or later.
On the later (the again), to mix the message some more, she's remarked a great deal about how she over-reacted and should not have become so upset, etc, etc....
Behavior often says one thing, and her words another.
Meantime, I've quietly been continuing to try and date and make connections. No other sex at this point with anyone. Haven't gotten that far along. Just a group thing with a churchy group (nice people, but I could do without the church blather), and as I mentioned, a new, promising connection from POF.
So, I just spend half hour + on the phone with A2 tonight, after I got home.... She was really, really disappointed at not being invited to the concert, especially since it was for charitable organization the which of she likes to support.
Heard it 4 or 5 times at least....
I need to thing this through a bit....
I feel like I gave her too much info and it bit me.... I had hoped that by referring to "going to a concert with friends", (and having things about the house I was trying to get done), that that would address her hint from yesterday to be invited up with a gentle, oblique decline....
But, she harped a bit on how she would have liked to meet my friends, and she went off on other tangents about how she'd have been willing to put herself up in a hotel to come up and support the concert, and nonsense such as that.
She even went in to the "not worthy" to have a lasting relationship with a man bit that she's gone into a few times.....
I really need to thing about how / what to say and react to here.
I feel like expectations have entered the arena -- an expectation to be together every weekend (nearly), for one (and the primary one)....
raises some issues....
I'm not sure how much of it is her wariness of being fully, deeply immersed in a relationship, and how much it's me not quite wanting to go there, yet, with her (or maybe anyone)....
I do think it's too soon to be deep and "permanent" in thoughts....
Anyway, we've seen each other every week / weekend of the month of May, save this one...
So, earlier this week when I saw a concert of interest coming up for tonight, I took the opportunity to make a date for the afternoon and evening with a new lady I've been getting to know.
See, I have been getting mixed signals right along from A2. She acts like we're significant others in certain ways, and yet often she'll make remarks encouraging me to continue to "look", "get the experiences you missed", etc. Or, she'll make remarks that make it plain she expects to be "betrayed" by me (again) sooner or later.
On the later (the again), to mix the message some more, she's remarked a great deal about how she over-reacted and should not have become so upset, etc, etc....
Behavior often says one thing, and her words another.
Meantime, I've quietly been continuing to try and date and make connections. No other sex at this point with anyone. Haven't gotten that far along. Just a group thing with a churchy group (nice people, but I could do without the church blather), and as I mentioned, a new, promising connection from POF.
So, I just spend half hour + on the phone with A2 tonight, after I got home.... She was really, really disappointed at not being invited to the concert, especially since it was for charitable organization the which of she likes to support.
Heard it 4 or 5 times at least....
I need to thing this through a bit....
I feel like I gave her too much info and it bit me.... I had hoped that by referring to "going to a concert with friends", (and having things about the house I was trying to get done), that that would address her hint from yesterday to be invited up with a gentle, oblique decline....
But, she harped a bit on how she would have liked to meet my friends, and she went off on other tangents about how she'd have been willing to put herself up in a hotel to come up and support the concert, and nonsense such as that.
She even went in to the "not worthy" to have a lasting relationship with a man bit that she's gone into a few times.....
I really need to thing about how / what to say and react to here.
I feel like expectations have entered the arena -- an expectation to be together every weekend (nearly), for one (and the primary one)....
raises some issues....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A2, feelings and such
I've been thinking lately about how "on the surface" things seem with A2 and me... basically not a deep, emotional condition.... Having a hard time fully defining the issue. But came across this article today on POF, which helps me understand my current state of mind with her. A2 definitely puts up walls, and walls off her emotions from herself. It takes a toll on having a deeper relationship, that's for certain.
The Secret Psychology That Makes Him Fall For You
By Rori Raye
What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you and makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say—even crave knowing how you feel or what you’re inner world is like?
A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.
He falls in love with you because he feels safe expressing his innermost, private feelings with you. He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way. All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.
This is what happens to a man when he goes from feeling affection or admiration for you to feeling genuine love.
This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the title of this article.
I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (and men). It’s rare that either you or he will know exactly why he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.
Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love. We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. Especially giving.
So we do things for him. We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacey lingerie. We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what we want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.
We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.
And still he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to. Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.
This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his heart. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level—his feelings.
So, how do you connect with a man’s feelings? I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.
When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you’ve read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.
You chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy. EMOTIONS.
You share everything but who you are.
You put up walls with him without even knowing you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit telling him how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime. Or, maybe you don’t even pay attention to your own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend. But if you were to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.
It seems like such a simple thing. But for so many of us, it’s such a counter-intuitive thing. It’s difficult. We’re not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures. So many of us are programmed to be doing, thinking, managing and worrying all the time. These are qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a “friend” than his lover.
When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual feeling creature, you become what I call a “siren” around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be…an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the outside.
That is the secret to what makes him fall for you.
You can find out more about how to do what works to make a man fall in love with you and avoid doing the things that actually push a man away by signing up for Rori Raye’s free newsletters at HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. They’re filled with proven Tools she developed to turn her own love life around many years ago, Tools she still uses every day and teaches to her clients so they can keep their relationships strong.
The Secret Psychology That Makes Him Fall For You
By Rori Raye
What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you and makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say—even crave knowing how you feel or what you’re inner world is like?
A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.
He falls in love with you because he feels safe expressing his innermost, private feelings with you. He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way. All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.
This is what happens to a man when he goes from feeling affection or admiration for you to feeling genuine love.
This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the title of this article.
I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (and men). It’s rare that either you or he will know exactly why he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.
Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love. We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. Especially giving.
So we do things for him. We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacey lingerie. We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what we want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.
We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.
And still he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to. Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.
This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his heart. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level—his feelings.
So, how do you connect with a man’s feelings? I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.
When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you’ve read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.
You chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy. EMOTIONS.
You share everything but who you are.
You put up walls with him without even knowing you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit telling him how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime. Or, maybe you don’t even pay attention to your own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend. But if you were to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.
It seems like such a simple thing. But for so many of us, it’s such a counter-intuitive thing. It’s difficult. We’re not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures. So many of us are programmed to be doing, thinking, managing and worrying all the time. These are qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a “friend” than his lover.
When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual feeling creature, you become what I call a “siren” around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be…an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the outside.
That is the secret to what makes him fall for you.
You can find out more about how to do what works to make a man fall in love with you and avoid doing the things that actually push a man away by signing up for Rori Raye’s free newsletters at HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. They’re filled with proven Tools she developed to turn her own love life around many years ago, Tools she still uses every day and teaches to her clients so they can keep their relationships strong.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Catching up -- end of a love affair
I ended my first love affair last friday -- the day before V day!! I didn't intend the timing, but B posed questions that led inevitably to conversation that effectively, but without hostility, ended that love affair.
I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....
She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.
Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.
Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....
Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.
I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....
She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.
Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.
Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....
Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A2 closer than ever
So, especially considering I had ceased the "torn between two" situation... and that I'd already pretty much made up my mind that A2 was the more important relationship to me....
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
An eventful weekend
Friday, day before Valentine's day, B here in town and talked on the phone a couple times, noon, and roughly 4:00. Long story short, it was our break-up conversation(s).
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
6 word memoir
Lots to post, but for now, I just want to do my own 6 word memoir of love and heartbreak (NPR) inspired by Smithmag).
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bad moon rising
wow.... A2 caught me with B last thursday. Past few days resolved well, though, between me and A2.
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Flying by each other I guess
Well, the first difficult conversation occurred over the last half hour or so.
From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.
That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.
A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.
She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....
Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.
But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....
So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.
Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...
She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.
We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....
But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....
From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.
That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.
A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.
She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....
Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.
But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....
So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.
Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...
She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.
We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....
But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....
Busted? Likely
Well, talk about awkward. A2 stopped at my house this a.m. at 9:30, somewhat unexpectedly. I expected her to stop by sometime this afternoon or evening maybe. But not this a.m.. and, as luck would have it, B's car was in the driveway with my truck. I got 3 very perplexed voicemails.
It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.
I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.
Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:
A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!
Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:
Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009
It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.
I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.
Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:
A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!
Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:
Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)