afraid of the dark

"I'm 54 years old and afraid of the dark"

"I'm afraid to sleep alone"

"When we were building this house, and I'd leave at night in the dark by myself, it was terrifying"

"I've never admitted this to anyone else, ever" "Because I am ashamed...."

All statements that came from her yesterday a.m. in the aftermath talk.

To the last one, I said, "Not even to your T??". "No, it's all stuff that goes back to what happened in my childhood and there's nothing to be done about that now...."

I know about much that occurred, but this is a new wrinkle. It breaks my heart. Explains much. But does not excuse the abuse she dishes, nor does it mean I must stay regardless of the damage done to myself if I do so.

Last night and today

Last night.... got really bad.... came home after a meeting.... at about an expected time. M was on the ph to her sis.... seemed OK in affect..... then, when she got off the phone, made some snarky remarks that I reacted badly to.

And once I did, she ramped up her dissonating responses. Which made me angry.... which made her angry / frustrated. I tried to leave the house for the night -- being still under the weather (virus) I needed a good nights sleep. She tried to block me physically. Practically climbed up on my back to try and keep me from leaving.... etc, etc. I ended up staying around.... she insisted on continuing "to talk"... she got frustrated at "no answers" "not being cared for / about" "not being good enough / loved...." and on and on....

She really never let up on the "talking". Kept me up until 2 a.m. before she remotely settled down. Remainder of the night was cuddly and close and nice enough.

But, in the a.m., when she awoke.... back to the same crap attitude....

Got over it, though. Day went OK

Today's notes from M

Disappeared.... actually, I'm referring to those written last night. Not surprised..... Why she was in her dysphoric fog, as is often the case, she left several notes here and there..... They're almost always negative and borderline (pardon the pun) negative.....

Anyway, after not particular sleeping soundly, needing to be fairly sharp for a meeting this a.m., and so on.... I was very deliberate this a.m. regarding the notes.....

First, keeping in mind that the last several she's written, she's found me the next a.m. and asked for her notes back.... I think, remembering that she wrote them, and perhaps the tenor, and upon arising, thinking perhaps they were untoward -- and they usually are....

anyway, this a.m. I made a point with myself of NOT even trying to read the notes. I just put them aside where she'd find them.... and since she "owns them", and ought to own the thoughts expressed..... I figure she should review them in sobriety and the light of day, anyway....

So left them be did I. Worked out good.... didn't upset me.... because I didn't read them.

She collected them and disposed of them while I've been at work.....

Now, if I could only get past the "stewing" I do when anticipating coming home to a pissy / angry "wife" on a day like today after a night like last night....

Not looking forward to home

today.

I got some troubled sleep last night, enough I suppose, with sufficient valerian root. But, I am still fighting a viral bug.... and I anticipate that M has stewed all day again today. Only communication we've had is her texting me to see when an evening meeting will be over and what my home ETA is.

I deliberately have not called her, as I didn't want my mind fucked with any more than it already is.

Showed my T the new book I purchased: The Betrayal Bond -- Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.

She wasn't familiar with it, but upon leafing it, said she thought it was most apropos.

This is a concept that equates relationships like the one I'm in to what comes to develop in kidnapping / hostage situations..... A trauma bond gets created at some point, and that link can be difficult to break even when it is to someone who is dangerous, ABUSIVE, and / or TOXIC..... hmmmm.....

T made an observation after we talked about this book a little. That my swinging through a the parking lot hear the dr's office yesterday to see if that's where M was -- was classic hostage behavior.....

Interesting......

It's hard not to think about this in terms of weakness. It's not. It's a pathology -- a condition that has developed. And that's happened for a whole variety of reasons. But, it's not weakness and it's not anything negative. It just is.

M's hard life

couple things to record....

been meaning to make a note that 1) she thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) and 2) she told me last week that I might cope better with my negative feelings if I kept a journal....

hmmmm......

Anyway, the other thing I wanted to note was a statement she just made -- trying to justify how difficult she's been to live with no doubt -- she said, "sometime you should try to understand just how difficult my life has been for the last 5 years....".

Actually, I KNOW it's been more like 10... she's just more in touch with the last 5.....

But, I'm the one that's tried to ease that life... and her environmental stressors and all that.... but now I'M the problem.... or the one about to just "cast her aside...." etc, etc...

alcoholism? and her kids

My T, based on my telling of some of M's behaviors and "self-medicating" that M is darned close to alcoholic....

It is interesting how much her children have come to avoid talking with her. I'm thinking especially at the moment about her younger son and a conversation I had with him last night on my way home.

He is living / working in Florida -- but work got slow lately.... and he has an opportunity to make some money back here in MI. He needed to make transportation arrangements with me, and hence called me.

Since he may well be in this state by this weekend, before we leave for a trip to see MY folks, in FL..... I told him (at that time) that his mom was probably sober enough for him to call and give her the low-down, too..... (He'd been avoiding calling her, in part because he was a little peeved over semi-nasty messages she'd left him a week or so before....)

Anyway, it's NOT lost on me that at this time, over 24 hours later, he STILL has not called her.... as far as I know. I was going to mention his plans, but NOW, I don't wish to mix that into the current stream of feeling abused and (potentially) abandoned, and all that jazz....

Today, almost OK, then not

Today, M had her physical therapy eval and first appointment. Our plan, set last night, had been to meet at a coffee shop afterward. Well, she didn't call me, and I ran late to a doctor's appt near the coffee shop -- and found her in parking lot there -- waiting to make a quick connection. That was at 2:20p. My appt was with a nurse-practictioner, so both of us assumed it would be brief. M was going to run to a store and come back (and call, I thought) and we would go to coffee after. I honestly thought I'd be done with the medical appt by 3:00 at the latest. I had a 4:00 appt (with my T, who M HATES). But, I thought there was plenty of time to have a little companion time, as she desired.....

Well, the appt ran quite late, and M didn't call, AND she didn't hear my txt messages come in to keep her posted -- I texted twice.... of course, that's the phone's fault that she didn't hear the alert, etc.... -- and she sat in the doctor's parking lot, again, for nearly an hour -- eventually stewing and being peeved with me. When she DID realize I had a 4:00 and couldn't be at her beck and call, she was really out of sorts.....

Of course, all this was MY FAULT.... I CLEARLY DID THIS ON PURPOSE TO HER.....

She had sat there in the dr's office parking lot wanting me to drive her home, due to her hand hurting and the roads being slippery. Didn't call me. Didn't text me. Just sat there cold, stewing, and wishing.... But, it was my fault, clearly.

When I got home after my T appt, at about 5:30p, she was pretty pissy. Unloaded a LOT of greivances.... and wouldn't let up until I got thoroughly frustrated. But, once again, as over the weekend, I managed to deal with it without getting angry. Frustrated. But not angry.

So, she's feeling cold (physically) and took a bath and has gone to bed.... more or less....

My job, now, is to leave her be, mostly.... but still care.... etc, etc, etc....

Comment on borderline women and sex

Regarding the previous posting. Men should be wary of incredibly horny women. While that may exist in "health" at times, it more often indicates an abusive childhood and together with other signs, MAY be warnings of a woman who has a very serious emotional disorder -- borderline personality disorder.

If a woman seems too interested in sex to be believed, and is "a little crazy" at first.... look out later.

I have come to the conclusion that sexuality is a very significant "snare" -- spiderweb, if you will.... and a way to attract someone to care, particularly in a co-dependent manner, for the BPD person -- and who, due to his own pathologies (codependent nature) -- is eager to help and "care for the person".

Educate yourself gentlemen. Know what you are getting into if she's way sexy and "a little crazy sometimes."

Another interesting paper (abstract)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=1404444&dopt=Abstract

An empirical examination into the sexuality of women with borderline personality disorder.
Hurlbert DF, Apt C, White LC.

Division of Social and Policy Sciences, University of Texas, San Antonio.

In the last decade, a great deal of research has been accomplished in the study of borderline personality, but the literature is yet to systematically examine the intimate relationships of individuals with this particular personality disorder. In doing so, this study compared a sample of female borderlines with an adequately matched sample of non-personality disorders (aged 23-33 years) using the following measures: the Hurlbert Index of Sexual Assertiveness, the Sexual Opinion Survey, the Sexuality Scale, and the Index of Sexual Satisfaction. In the borderline sample, about 50% of the women reported a childhood history of physical or sexual abuse, as compared to about 15% in the control group. Also, borderline women were found to have significantly higher sexual assertiveness, greater erotophilic attitudes, and higher sexual esteem. Despite these findings, the borderline group evidenced significantly greater sexual preoccupation, sexual depression, and sexual dissatisfaction. Implications for these findings and treatment issues are discussed.

PMID: 1404444 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Stay / Go

Interestingly, this a.m. I find she's picked up a book that I started to read over Xmas break, and over which we had a huge disagreement. She'd been terribly resistant.... to reading "Should I Stay or Go? (about "controlled (negotiated) separation arrangements).

But then, she did start saying words and expressing thoughts that lead me to believe this weekend that she's begun exploring the idea of her leaving this house and being the one to live separately from here.

That makes more financial and physical sense. I can afford to keep and maintain this place. Frankly, I always expected that after a time, assuming no reconciliation (and I scarcely expect that) that I would have to put this place to rights and prepare it for sale (if sold it's to be.... and I am pretty ready to be back to a more urban environment..... we'll see).

so, maybe it will work out.

Why would sleeping bother?

I swear.... sometimes I think M gets peeved at night just due to my sleeping postures and positions. Not flopping around. No, I mean, I think she reads things into whether I face toward or away from her (I am a side sleeper)..... Whether she believes I want to "be close" and whether I seem to be cuddlingish (is that a word?).

I sleep on one side or the other due to sinuses. I cuddle her when I am toward her and she's close enough. If not, she's not. No more to it than that.....

Then again, idle time and thoughts are one of her greatest emotional enemies. I could be reading something into the wrong thing. She may not be reacting to me at all, but rather, to thoughts that flickered at night, in bed, in the darkness, in her troubled mind.

Regrettable change

Well, I was chagrined today to find out that one of my "safety valves" is gone. Had a good, supportive lady friend (platonic) who had offered the use of her guest room if needed if I had to leave suddenly and crash for a few days or couple weeks.

The other day I showed interest in getting serious about that offer, and perhaps even renting the room for 2 or 3 months while dust was otherwise settling (when / if I were to leave my household).

(Interestingly, M clearly is contemplating the idea that she would be the one to leave -- but, that's mostly because she's thinking in terms of the long-term arrangement as to who would have to manage / maintain the house, as opposed to the short term arrangements that would occur early in a separation....)

Anyway, as my friend and I talked, I asked if her paramour would have any issues over my staying at her place. At first she said, no, he never comes to my house and he's stayed in contact with his ex-wives, etc, etc.....

But as we conversed, she decided she'd best talk with him, rather than have some unexpected surprise occur (like my suddenly staying at her place and THEN his finding out....).

And she did. Apparently, while I haven't talked with her in any detail.... the street doesn't run in both directions. All she said was that she'd talked with him, hadn't gone well (but hadn't caused any problems between them.) and that (as per our conversation) she did have to withdraw her offer.

Sigh.....

Well, it was nice while the offer was there. OTOH, I would have felt quite bad had I taken up the offer and THEN it caused problems between my friend and her lover.

Things will work out, some how, some way....

And, then there's dissociation

Dissociation. Partly from the BPD, partly bipolar, partly post-tramatic stress. Whatever. M has a strong tendency..... Usually either prompted by high stress and a serious dysphoric reaction or alcohol -- and often a combo of the both.

Such may be the case post-Saturday night. Last night, after the Saturday / wee hours Sunday shananigans (where she angrily burst in to the bedroom at 2 a.m. and ranted for another couple hours downstairs -- fracturing my sleep, that's for sure -- she said something that almost surprised me.....

Mind you, this was after a relatively peaceful Sunday, of all things. There was an episode early in the day where she got extremely frustrated and upset. Then, that followed by her showering, getting dressed, and wanting to go somewhere, anywhere, out of the house -- mostly to get something to eat. I asked if she wanted me to drive, and she said, "yes, please". That was a turning point. From that point, her mood shifted toward me being split white / positive. She clearly felt cared for and taken care of -- although, all I did was be courteous and supportive.... When we got home, we even engaged in some companionable game of madlibs.

Evening went well too.....

But, interestingly.... at nearly 10 p.m., when I'm normally getting tired... and all the moreso after a night like the previous night -- I commented I was getting tired and going to go up to bed soon.....

She said, without rancor, "Didn't you get almost 11 hours of sleep last night?".

Which leads me to believe her primary memory of Saturday night was that I went to bed around 10 p.m. and got up around 9 a.m.....

It would appear she either has little recall of the rest (dissociation) or is conveniently forgetting it.... Probably a blend of both.

But, it was peaceful and friendly to the end yesterday, and even starting out today. A welcome change.

The note from the wee hours of this a.m.

Well, I was going to transcribe it. It was actually not bad. Maybe pretty good in its way. Why? Well, this note was one of the few that wasn't blaming, or accusing, or depressive (or not quite). Anyway, I haven't had the chance to transcribe it, because she happened downstairs before I did so and asked to have the note she left me..... I don't know what she's done with it, but I wish I had had a chance to transcribe it. This one actually touched me instead of making me wince.

This one reflected regrets. Deep sadness, but not unhealthy sadness, and deep regret that "we seem to be at a dead end..."

Still, it was heartening that much of the note talked about remembering all that's been good, and trying to preserve those memories -- and hoping I will do the same....

This note was almost emotionally mature.

There was one addended note about my statement that I hadn't really contemplated a scenario that had M leaving the house instead of me. She seems to be thinking in terms of her leaving now. And, perhaps thinking I didn't wish to be burdened with the upkeep, etc, etc.

That's not it at all, though. What I haven't conveyed, because the subject hasn't exactly come up during neutral conversations, is that what I'm referring to when I way I haven't really contemplated her leaving the house is this:

I have not wished to disturb her domocile any sooner than must be the case. Haven't wanted to displace her from the house until she made that choice. And, all in all, I was really making that statement in the context of the [temporary] actually, hopefully at some point, controlled separation time.

No, I don't anticipate recovering some level of primacy in the relationship between us. But, I still have hopes of being supportive and friendly to one another as life goes on.

In vino veritas? No

Last night, I actually had to stop playing a movie at about 7 p.m. because M clearly intended to talk. Which she did. For 2 hours, then 3. Over a bottle of wine she'd opened for herself.

I've tried to learn from the Mars/Venus books how to accommodate the "wave" cycle of a woman who is dealing with difficult emotions. Try to actively listen, but not offer solutions.... etc. I did respond somewhat at times, after the first 2 hours. But, each time, though she had settled down somewhat, my response (no matter how gentle or general) seemed to raise her ire back up.

Finally, just after 10p.m., she was getting heated again. I was tired. I hadn't yet engaged angrily, and dearly wanted to keep it that way. So I finally stated that I needed to go to bed and stop this. Don't know my exact words. I know I didn't make it a "choice". I was, rather, drawing a boundary / end to an unfruitful discussion (or monologue, as she more accurately characterized it.).

She did say enough at that time to tell me that once again, she was looking for answers on what she's done wrong, should do differently, how she's failed, what I want/expect, and on and on. Answers that aren't really possible to provide. Not with my constant emotional wariness. Not to mention my own lack of self awareness regarding needs, desires, interests, due to always sublimating them to my mate (first and second).

So, with her ire rising, I want ahead and went to bed. She came and confronted me somewhat pissy before long. Then left me be....

Until she worked on wine bottle #2. At 2 a.m., she burst into the master bedroom and demanded I get up out of bed. "You've slept for 4 hours. Wasn't that enough?? Nice nap?? Get up and be engaged!!"

Whatever that might mean....

Anyway, I sleepily refused. She staulked downstairs..... then raged in the living room, in and out of the house (in 20 degree or lower temps), cried, carried on, made noise, slammed doors. Until at least 4:30 a.m.

Burst into the room at least twice more over that timeframe.

Then, she finally quit. Must have taken some drugs to calm herself.

In fact, she even left a decent couple of notes to me.... Those can wait for the next message.

More Saturday 1/20/07 drama and angst

I honestly do not remember what M said that seemed to push me into a depressed / morose state of mind. But, there is another possiblity -- that is, I realized I was feeling quite ill by late p.m.. She even asked if I felt OK and commented that I looked pale. Yet, did the emotional pressure let up? No, not much. There was still the angry withdrawn silence.

Later, as from a week or so ago, she stated that, "I was just trying to give you your space...." To which I said, "After yesterday (Fri) I just thought you were being withdrawn." "I am, to stay out of your way and out of trouble....".....

I finally put a movie on and tried to rest. Realizing that the level of stress I've felt over the last several days of conflict probably knocked down my immune response -- and I've been recycling / relapsing with a nasty virus for the last few weeks.... Could also be prostatitis, but I think not. But, could be. That part of life, once the best we had together, has withered as well.

Dr Phil / Relationship Rescue

Months ago, M bought 2 sets of the book and workbook.... no consultation. No discussion. SHE just thought that both of us would benefit.... not to mention, the core purpose of the books.

She spent 10 days alone, out of town, and worked mightily on the exercises back in late summer.

I, on the other hand, have little to no respect for this self-promoting, pat himself on his own back, so and so.

So, the best I was able to promise to do, after repeatedly being nagged and fussed at, was to give the book a once (read) through.

Of course, the lobbying kept up now and then -- she's convinced, I think, that if I'd just do this, I'd be able to determine what I need, and tell her.... not to mention, better understand hers.... yadyadayada.

Now, since her surgery, so maybe a couple weeks ago, one day she let's fly, "Well, I threw out that Relationship Rescue Workbook. You weren't going to use it, anyway."

A few days ago, she lobbied again for me to work on the exercises in the WORKBOOK.... To which I said, "Well, you said you threw it out." Her reply, predictably, was that, "Well, you can just do what I did, and work from the book itself with a notebook."

Oh, but today, today the workbook showed up. Actually, I think it's probably the one she didn't use herself, because I have little doubt that she threw the one away.

So, when I saw the workbook laid out for me, I said, "Is this for me?"

Her reply, not anything related to having thrown the one away, or even remotely referencing that. Her reply, "Well, you said you couldn't FIND IT...."

Such reality bending. Hard to fathom.... hard to bear up being around.

I feel lost

in the wilderness of BP pathology.

M finally tried to engage me, but it seemed as if she was trying to get me to say something or respond in some specific way -- which I could not / know not.

I tried to draw a boundary. Still, she lobbed "I'm hurting" grenades over it.

She wants to have a further conversation about my conferences, but didn't care for it when I said I wasn't prepared to have that conversation right at that moment. Her response was snarky. Which troubled me -- nay, made my anger rise..... but I tamped it down.

Before she quit, she made a statement along the lines of, "You are slowly, deliberately pushing me altogether out of your life...."

I didn't respond.

I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes to try and burn the negative energy off. It helped, but I still feel terribly disquieted. Morose.

A deep sadness has come over me.

I feel alone. Deeply wounded.

Cast off soon

I'm still appalled at the way she heard my comments yesterday a.m. about her uncomfortable cast. I didn't have an edge or irritated quality to my voice. Wasn't bothered -- but she heard otherwise.

She thinks she's taking herself to the doctor, alone. But, I don't intend to cooperate about that.

I happen to know that the removal of the pin doesn't always go well in the office, and a very minor surgery has to be done at the surgical center. I know how that will affect her. So, I will make sure I'm there. One way or another.

Doesn't matter what she heard. What matters is what I truly feel, how I express my love, and the fact that attending is a minor act of compassion. She can cope with my being there. She may even appreciate it when it's said and done.

But.... all this wears. /Pop

usual down weekend, I suppose

After yesterday, M is staying clear - arm's length, so to speak. She did finally get to a somewhat better place last night after expressing herself in a number of ways and subjects -- most of which I simply listened to as best I could. Guess she must have felt "heard" and calmed down. Went / or drugged to sleep -- slept through the night.....

But, today, of course, we have the continuing angst.

She thinks she's soon to be "history"..... which, may very well be true. I don't have arrangements made, as yet. Not sure when I'll be altogether ready enough to make some move in changing living arrangements. But, I think it's not far off. Can't be. Making me too, too crazy to live like this.

I really don't have the tremendous energy it would take, after all these years of un-success (toward a more healed and vital place for her in her world and mind) to continue or make the changes I would have to in interacting with her.

Her illness wins. We both lose. But, she will eventually be fine on her own and likely will get closer, much closer to wholeness.

My over-care for her. My co-dependent care for her. My "minimizing environmental stressors" as best I can (which at various times seems to include virtually ANYTHING that might upset or trouble her -- including me.... and my reactions).

All of that has served to stymie any progress she can make.... and, now, it's affecting me quite badly. That has to stop.