After yesterday, M is staying clear - arm's length, so to speak. She did finally get to a somewhat better place last night after expressing herself in a number of ways and subjects -- most of which I simply listened to as best I could. Guess she must have felt "heard" and calmed down. Went / or drugged to sleep -- slept through the night.....
But, today, of course, we have the continuing angst.
She thinks she's soon to be "history"..... which, may very well be true. I don't have arrangements made, as yet. Not sure when I'll be altogether ready enough to make some move in changing living arrangements. But, I think it's not far off. Can't be. Making me too, too crazy to live like this.
I really don't have the tremendous energy it would take, after all these years of un-success (toward a more healed and vital place for her in her world and mind) to continue or make the changes I would have to in interacting with her.
Her illness wins. We both lose. But, she will eventually be fine on her own and likely will get closer, much closer to wholeness.
My over-care for her. My co-dependent care for her. My "minimizing environmental stressors" as best I can (which at various times seems to include virtually ANYTHING that might upset or trouble her -- including me.... and my reactions).
All of that has served to stymie any progress she can make.... and, now, it's affecting me quite badly. That has to stop.
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