Today... again... the testing

Well, let's see.... got an accidental call - that was no big deal. Then, when I got back to work after lunch and a post-lunch concert, I had a VM at work about how she was sorry she'd handled my date invitation so poorly...

and how she just can't really spend time like that with me like that right now -- too uncomfortable for her... turns out, she says, after yesterday she's quite stressed out -- lump in throat, pit of stomach (happens regularly now). Supposes she's just gunshy and unable to feel much trust toward me, etc....

Then, @ 3:30 I got the text: "If U want 2 save the $ U can sleep here tonight. makes no difference 2 me"

I very politely declined.... and I suppose it DID make a difference that I decline.... because, the response was,
"Then we have Sunday 2 do whatever taling U want 2 do or not. I'm not planning 2 B around much longer after that given the way things are now."

followed by, "I have no purpose in life. U don't want me & I have no other commitments thus no purpose 4 being thus no reason 2 B here anymore." (I wonder what she supposes the "purpose" of a mother, even of grown children, is....)

Anyway, that sounded mildly self-harmful, so I sent, "Perhaps U s/contact your T. U sound as if U R considering harming yourself"

M reply, "Nope, wrong again. Just leaving. I'm tired of sitting around here alone. this house has become myh prison so I need to 'break out'.

My reply, "Fair enough & if U feel imprisoned, U certainly s/do something about it".

Now, the reply from her, "do U ever exhibit any emotions? or do you just not care? or will my leaving be exactly what U have been working toward 4 the past years? I really have no idea. what I do know is that it seems to make no difference to you whatsoever. guess I've overstayed my welcome by some."

Followed minutes later by, "U might have the decency 2 show some acknowledgement of all that I have done 4 U & your family. guess that's not important & certianly beyond your ken. thx a lot"
(this sounds like she's probably taken Xanax and or Valium and probably drinking -- wine, I'd bet. )

I sent, "I really w/prefer 2 have relationship talks FTF. & I have repeatedly expressed my gratitude 2 U for all & will always B graetful."

She texted, "I try reaching out 2 U U all I ever get is smacked back down, ignored, or invalidated. how fun is that for me, do you suppose?"

M, (maybe in reply to the FTF discussion bit,) "and that would be exactly when? which day of which month of which year will that happen?"

(gosh, I thought we set Sunday for it already.... )

As I was writing a reply, my phone rang, as she wanted to inform me that she'd turned her phone off so "end of discussion"....

Regardless, of that I sent: "guess I don't know how 2 reconcile hyour VM @ work about not being comfortable being around me, stressed out from being around me..... with your invite 2 B home 2night..... & (your) feeling rejected by my reluctance"


I hate that she's moved into this state of mind, but I couldn't have stopped it, I'm sure. And, like as not, it would have become very difficult at home tonight if I were there.

Saturday night and Sunday will be quite enough, thanks....


Postscript: Guess she couldn't leave her phone off, because she replied to my last message (about not being able to reconcile the stuff...) with, "that's why YOU have a therapist, I think."

Uh.... OK... well, I already know how my T will react to all this. Oh, and this would be the T that M absolutely detests, having convinced herself that my T is encouraging me to leave, etc.... Little does she realize that my T has had to be very patient with me as I've worked through educating myself on MY issues, MY make-up, and got comfortable with a pathway and a timetable.... she's simply supported ME, not so much suggested a definite direction or course of action....