So, I read a story in the paper today about younger people who choose to keep their own places, but come to "stay over" almost constantly with their boyfriend/girlfriend. They don't consider themselves to be cohabiting. They're tending to want to retain an "out", etc etc.
Interestingly, I think that defines us as well. Twice the age of the young people studied, but it sure seems like it describes our situation.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
finances, utilities and water
So, B has started walking on eggshells about her use of water and electricity around my house. Taking most showers at her apartment for instance. Maybe laundry there as well. I'm feeling a bit troubled about the shift that direction. I don't really want to have her feeling so uncomfortable here at my place.
I've kicked around utilities figures and found that having B stay over is costing me maybe $20-30 per month. When you consider the way she helps to pick up and clean around the house, that seems like a fair trade. Especially if she takes just a little reasonable care to be a bit more conservative in water and electric use in particular. (Like not running massive amounts of water while working in the kitchen, or not leaving refrigerator door hanging open. ) I wouldn't mind if she pitched in a bit of $ once in a while, but it's not all that necessary when the money is close to diminimus.
As for laundry, my thought is that is still makes no sense for her to trundle laundry up and down her two flights of stairs, apt to basement, when it's all first floor here. I also realized part of my "issue" over laundry is that there's been a tendency for B to freely use the laundry supplies that I buy, but not to really appropriately replace them. I just had to buy fabric softener the other day -- and I buy in containers that are supposed to do over 150 loads!!
So, I'm thinking a "fair trade" would be if she keeps the laundry room supplied for the both of us, that would seem fair. All I really would ask beyond that is that the laundry soap be skin-friendly to me.
I was nearly at the point of bringing this stuff up and trying to talk through a bit further when she got dressed and headed out for errands and to get herself around via her apartment. Oh well. Later I guess.
On other subjects, we did seem to get closer to "being on the same page" (her words) over the last few days and evenings as we began to talk out past $$ issues regarding trips ("do you want me to pay you back?" No. Just keep arrangements in the future), and eating out (trying to do more trading off of who pays, asking in advance).
Progress I suppose.
And it's not lost on me that we've again had a fairly major blow out without a breakup.
I've kicked around utilities figures and found that having B stay over is costing me maybe $20-30 per month. When you consider the way she helps to pick up and clean around the house, that seems like a fair trade. Especially if she takes just a little reasonable care to be a bit more conservative in water and electric use in particular. (Like not running massive amounts of water while working in the kitchen, or not leaving refrigerator door hanging open. ) I wouldn't mind if she pitched in a bit of $ once in a while, but it's not all that necessary when the money is close to diminimus.
As for laundry, my thought is that is still makes no sense for her to trundle laundry up and down her two flights of stairs, apt to basement, when it's all first floor here. I also realized part of my "issue" over laundry is that there's been a tendency for B to freely use the laundry supplies that I buy, but not to really appropriately replace them. I just had to buy fabric softener the other day -- and I buy in containers that are supposed to do over 150 loads!!
So, I'm thinking a "fair trade" would be if she keeps the laundry room supplied for the both of us, that would seem fair. All I really would ask beyond that is that the laundry soap be skin-friendly to me.
I was nearly at the point of bringing this stuff up and trying to talk through a bit further when she got dressed and headed out for errands and to get herself around via her apartment. Oh well. Later I guess.
On other subjects, we did seem to get closer to "being on the same page" (her words) over the last few days and evenings as we began to talk out past $$ issues regarding trips ("do you want me to pay you back?" No. Just keep arrangements in the future), and eating out (trying to do more trading off of who pays, asking in advance).
Progress I suppose.
And it's not lost on me that we've again had a fairly major blow out without a breakup.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
rocky
B and I are running in to some rocky times. Just when my son and family (and 9 y.o. grand D ) are to visit. I think we're OK now, but we've had some very harsh and difficult conversations the last few nights.
She's kind of bushwacked me with the subjects and discussions. I think we've dealt with what we must and then, unexpectedly timed and in an unexpected place she'll bring some follow up discussion into the mix.
Last night, she pulled out of me that I've been having some serious concerns about financial balance within this relationship. We kind of resolved a lot of it, but there's still some to figure out (utilities share).
I also was chagrined to find out that the "melt down" (her term) I had over the new bathroom rugs and decorations has stayed with her all this time. Made her realize " I still don't feel emotionally safe in this relationship" and so on. Sigh. And was the predicate for not giving notice to her landlord and moving on in.
She's posed the idea a time or two that "maybe she's just not emotionally healthy enough for me" and "I hate to think, but maybe this relationship has run its course".
I'm still not quite "there", but patience is wearing. I'm not sure just how to deal with the less healthy aspects between us and if we don't, this isn't going to be long term after all.
She's kind of bushwacked me with the subjects and discussions. I think we've dealt with what we must and then, unexpectedly timed and in an unexpected place she'll bring some follow up discussion into the mix.
Last night, she pulled out of me that I've been having some serious concerns about financial balance within this relationship. We kind of resolved a lot of it, but there's still some to figure out (utilities share).
I also was chagrined to find out that the "melt down" (her term) I had over the new bathroom rugs and decorations has stayed with her all this time. Made her realize " I still don't feel emotionally safe in this relationship" and so on. Sigh. And was the predicate for not giving notice to her landlord and moving on in.
She's posed the idea a time or two that "maybe she's just not emotionally healthy enough for me" and "I hate to think, but maybe this relationship has run its course".
I'm still not quite "there", but patience is wearing. I'm not sure just how to deal with the less healthy aspects between us and if we don't, this isn't going to be long term after all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
last week
was strange. In Chi-town at an assembly. Had B my fiancee in my room and enjoyed the town.... had A2 check in right behind us at the hotel, new boyfriend in tow (thank heavens!!) and weirdly..... ending up in a room next to ours. Fortunately there wasn't any direct FTF interaction in our hallway and our bathroom buffered between the rooms -- so no undue noises were heard.....
Interesting situation. Weird, but interesting.
Hopefully A2 is finally moving on. Although it was not lost on me that the new B.F. was kind of a clone of me. White guy, 50s, with a tummy..... LOL
Interesting situation. Weird, but interesting.
Hopefully A2 is finally moving on. Although it was not lost on me that the new B.F. was kind of a clone of me. White guy, 50s, with a tummy..... LOL
Monday, May 23, 2011
wondering if it will last
Sigh. For the umpteenth time B and I have had some disagreeableness over the computer, her insecurities (lack of trust) and so on and on....
It started when she discovered I had cleared the Firefox history and (inadvertently) set it to not save any history at all..... "what are you trying to hide" is the feeling she expressed.... "Porn? Dating sites? Interactions with other women? What???"
I find this interaction completely exasperating and trying. I do look at porn periodically, but not to any degree of addiction or inappropriateness.... I heard a comedienne say she enjoyed watching porn like she watches the Food Network. Fun to watch but not anything she wants to actually do. For me, it's simply an occasional masturbatory aid. I think that ought to be OK, but I do NOT think B would agree.... and I've become hardwired to avoid conflict and creating issues if I can....
Hence my clearing of the history and such. I don't remember just when I did this.... but I kind of remember being at wits end over another quiz and concern over something she'd come across on my history, etc, etc..... There'd been an issue with some old bookmarks like singlesnet.com as well as other stuff she encountered that fires up her insecurities. I was simply trying to stop a recurrence and avoid conflict.... But she found a concern and conflict ensued regardless.... sigh.
I thought we talked it out. I admitted to the occasional foray into playboy.com and blamed that and the previous conflicts for my clearing of the history. I was sure not going to admit looking at harder core stuff, LOL.
And I did all the usual honest reassurances.... I'm NOT involved with anyone else, pursuing involvement, communicating, etc, etc..... Frankly the only loose connection I have to my previous (potential) love life is that TC and I have remained loose email friends.... and I get postings from her, as part of a group she sends to, periodically. I don't feel a strong need to pursue that particular potential relationship; but should this one fail, I might return carefully to that one to see where it leads.
I am very frustrated at this point that despite assurance after assurance and repeated honest answers -- that I'm not entirely comfortable admitting to -- are still necessary and inadequate. I've TOLD B that I've NEVER had casual sex. Never had a one night stand. Never did the typical "middle aged bachelor/crazy" thing.... etc, etc. I tell her that because it is the truth. I did not have a normal male sexual development, and my relative comfort and skill (?) as a lover is despite that lack of normal development.
I find it a little shameful in a "macho male" way that I've ONLY had sexual encounters that were meaningful and only with the four women I've had a relationship with.
But she doesn't believe me.... Doesn't trust me and it would appear cannot and will never fully trust me. That is a problem.
Even more disturbing to my psyche is the fact that even though we seemed to talk this latest bit out..... she's gotten into some kind of doldrums. I don't know if she's depressed, or contemplating ending the relationship or just what. But I can tell she's bothered about something to the point of affect of mood.
Her behaviors of the last 36 hours have had some of my PTSD firing off thoroughly. She's acting a bit like M and I'm having to fight off reactions that are rooted in that awful and unhealthful relationship. The "lost years" as I think of them now.....
She's withdrawn, marginally communicative, acting like there's something on her mind that I'm supposed to draw out, yada yada yada.
It's enough to make me contemplate to a slight extent how I might react if she wants to end the relationship... or even to end it myself if it cannot be healthy, open and relatively honest. I'm rapidly losing my perception that B is in general well adjusted. Anymore I am not so sure.
I've wondered about "taking a break" but I know that that is impossible. There is no way, even if I stated a strong intent to stay physically and emotionally celibate, that she would ultimately believe I did so after a period of separation.
I'm certain with the dynamics that we have that either we have to press forward full on together and do our best to have a good relationship, or end it as amicably as we can, and leave it be. I believe B is incapable of allowing for a break or rest in the relationship and also retain trust....
That is impossible because the trust doesn't exist from the get-go.
I've been patient for 36 hours and we'll see where things go tomorrow.... But I will not continue to feel this way or otherwise seriously negative and unhealthy relationship-wise.
I would take a break and heal and be celibate for a time should we break this off.... But there is a limit to my patience and forebearance as regards this lack of trust and continued fear of abandonment....
While I don't think B is a borderline, she has some tendencies, and the inability to trust and the fear of abandonment (which she isn't all that in touch with) is BPD-like.
Been there; done that.
It started when she discovered I had cleared the Firefox history and (inadvertently) set it to not save any history at all..... "what are you trying to hide" is the feeling she expressed.... "Porn? Dating sites? Interactions with other women? What???"
I find this interaction completely exasperating and trying. I do look at porn periodically, but not to any degree of addiction or inappropriateness.... I heard a comedienne say she enjoyed watching porn like she watches the Food Network. Fun to watch but not anything she wants to actually do. For me, it's simply an occasional masturbatory aid. I think that ought to be OK, but I do NOT think B would agree.... and I've become hardwired to avoid conflict and creating issues if I can....
Hence my clearing of the history and such. I don't remember just when I did this.... but I kind of remember being at wits end over another quiz and concern over something she'd come across on my history, etc, etc..... There'd been an issue with some old bookmarks like singlesnet.com as well as other stuff she encountered that fires up her insecurities. I was simply trying to stop a recurrence and avoid conflict.... But she found a concern and conflict ensued regardless.... sigh.
I thought we talked it out. I admitted to the occasional foray into playboy.com and blamed that and the previous conflicts for my clearing of the history. I was sure not going to admit looking at harder core stuff, LOL.
And I did all the usual honest reassurances.... I'm NOT involved with anyone else, pursuing involvement, communicating, etc, etc..... Frankly the only loose connection I have to my previous (potential) love life is that TC and I have remained loose email friends.... and I get postings from her, as part of a group she sends to, periodically. I don't feel a strong need to pursue that particular potential relationship; but should this one fail, I might return carefully to that one to see where it leads.
I am very frustrated at this point that despite assurance after assurance and repeated honest answers -- that I'm not entirely comfortable admitting to -- are still necessary and inadequate. I've TOLD B that I've NEVER had casual sex. Never had a one night stand. Never did the typical "middle aged bachelor/crazy" thing.... etc, etc. I tell her that because it is the truth. I did not have a normal male sexual development, and my relative comfort and skill (?) as a lover is despite that lack of normal development.
I find it a little shameful in a "macho male" way that I've ONLY had sexual encounters that were meaningful and only with the four women I've had a relationship with.
But she doesn't believe me.... Doesn't trust me and it would appear cannot and will never fully trust me. That is a problem.
Even more disturbing to my psyche is the fact that even though we seemed to talk this latest bit out..... she's gotten into some kind of doldrums. I don't know if she's depressed, or contemplating ending the relationship or just what. But I can tell she's bothered about something to the point of affect of mood.
Her behaviors of the last 36 hours have had some of my PTSD firing off thoroughly. She's acting a bit like M and I'm having to fight off reactions that are rooted in that awful and unhealthful relationship. The "lost years" as I think of them now.....
She's withdrawn, marginally communicative, acting like there's something on her mind that I'm supposed to draw out, yada yada yada.
It's enough to make me contemplate to a slight extent how I might react if she wants to end the relationship... or even to end it myself if it cannot be healthy, open and relatively honest. I'm rapidly losing my perception that B is in general well adjusted. Anymore I am not so sure.
I've wondered about "taking a break" but I know that that is impossible. There is no way, even if I stated a strong intent to stay physically and emotionally celibate, that she would ultimately believe I did so after a period of separation.
I'm certain with the dynamics that we have that either we have to press forward full on together and do our best to have a good relationship, or end it as amicably as we can, and leave it be. I believe B is incapable of allowing for a break or rest in the relationship and also retain trust....
That is impossible because the trust doesn't exist from the get-go.
I've been patient for 36 hours and we'll see where things go tomorrow.... But I will not continue to feel this way or otherwise seriously negative and unhealthy relationship-wise.
I would take a break and heal and be celibate for a time should we break this off.... But there is a limit to my patience and forebearance as regards this lack of trust and continued fear of abandonment....
While I don't think B is a borderline, she has some tendencies, and the inability to trust and the fear of abandonment (which she isn't all that in touch with) is BPD-like.
Been there; done that.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
weird work day
Trying to come down off an anxious place after a very strange work day. Hopefully journaling will help.
So, after 5 days of wondering what it was my boss and my "group leader" needed to talk to me about, this a.m. the talk occurred. Not bad, but not great. Aspects give me pause.
Particularly that about a young lady student employee we recently let go who apparently made a claim at the end that she felt as if I leered at her and it made her uncomfortable. Now, the plain truth is, I did find her to be a very attractive girl. But I never ever said or did anything that would be construed as inappropriate. I suppose it's possible that my eyes lit up as she walked by, or something like that -- but that's getting into reactions that are subliminal... and I don't know how that would be read or communicated in some manner. But I know I never stared at her in some inappropriate manner or any such thing as that. I was very circumspect.
But, I know I have a manner and bearing that apparently gets easily misconstrued. That, or I telepathically communicate that I am attracted when I am. But I try to be very disciplined about not ever expressing any such thing in any manner that is under my control. I think of a young woman friend of B's and mine who we came to care a lot about.... who used to hug me at the bar where she worked..... not hugs I initiated, and nothing occurred that could be misconstrued. Just friendly hugs. But she's highly attractive and once told B in response to a statement that, "We both care about you".... that she wasn't so sure I cared about her "in the right way...." Sigh.
But I really ended up seriously unnerved late this p.m. when my "group leader" went and talked to our group of student employee supervisors, one of who is a senior with literally a Playboy build. I find her highly highly attractive.... but again, I'm careful not to say anything, do anything, or whatever, that would let on that that is the case. Frankly, she'd find it creepy (which I suppose, if expressed and pursued, it IS creepy. )
Anyway, I guess this a.m.'s meeting made me wary about several aspects of dealing with our student employees. And I am particularly wary that young J could have picked up on and complained about my attraction to her, even though it is not and never will be expressed. She's complained before about my tendency (which I think I've ceased) to "wink" when I'm talking and kidding about. She tended to take that as flirtation - which it never was. Still, it will cause me a lot more grief if she expresses further discontent or concert or discomfort regarding my bearing or dealing with her.
I don't want to be anxious about this -- and again, I know there is nothing in the shadows waiting to come out -- but I know how damaging certain accusations can be. And the group leader and this young lady conversed on their own for most of an hour.
Hopefully I've minded my p's and q's well enough that nothing more or serious will ensue.... But I am a little concerned.......
Big breath..... leave it aside. Deal with whatever comes - tomorrow!!
So, after 5 days of wondering what it was my boss and my "group leader" needed to talk to me about, this a.m. the talk occurred. Not bad, but not great. Aspects give me pause.
Particularly that about a young lady student employee we recently let go who apparently made a claim at the end that she felt as if I leered at her and it made her uncomfortable. Now, the plain truth is, I did find her to be a very attractive girl. But I never ever said or did anything that would be construed as inappropriate. I suppose it's possible that my eyes lit up as she walked by, or something like that -- but that's getting into reactions that are subliminal... and I don't know how that would be read or communicated in some manner. But I know I never stared at her in some inappropriate manner or any such thing as that. I was very circumspect.
But, I know I have a manner and bearing that apparently gets easily misconstrued. That, or I telepathically communicate that I am attracted when I am. But I try to be very disciplined about not ever expressing any such thing in any manner that is under my control. I think of a young woman friend of B's and mine who we came to care a lot about.... who used to hug me at the bar where she worked..... not hugs I initiated, and nothing occurred that could be misconstrued. Just friendly hugs. But she's highly attractive and once told B in response to a statement that, "We both care about you".... that she wasn't so sure I cared about her "in the right way...." Sigh.
But I really ended up seriously unnerved late this p.m. when my "group leader" went and talked to our group of student employee supervisors, one of who is a senior with literally a Playboy build. I find her highly highly attractive.... but again, I'm careful not to say anything, do anything, or whatever, that would let on that that is the case. Frankly, she'd find it creepy (which I suppose, if expressed and pursued, it IS creepy. )
Anyway, I guess this a.m.'s meeting made me wary about several aspects of dealing with our student employees. And I am particularly wary that young J could have picked up on and complained about my attraction to her, even though it is not and never will be expressed. She's complained before about my tendency (which I think I've ceased) to "wink" when I'm talking and kidding about. She tended to take that as flirtation - which it never was. Still, it will cause me a lot more grief if she expresses further discontent or concert or discomfort regarding my bearing or dealing with her.
I don't want to be anxious about this -- and again, I know there is nothing in the shadows waiting to come out -- but I know how damaging certain accusations can be. And the group leader and this young lady conversed on their own for most of an hour.
Hopefully I've minded my p's and q's well enough that nothing more or serious will ensue.... But I am a little concerned.......
Big breath..... leave it aside. Deal with whatever comes - tomorrow!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A concern with B
I have a little concern about disagreeableness that arose this past Wednesday or Thursday. I forget which. I was quite tired from being awake and up too late, etc. Apparently wasn't warm and friendly enough at our usual noontime phone conversation, and apparently my "indifferent attitude" put her off and made her pretty steamed.
When she came by after work, she was kind of spoiling for a fight. Accusing me of being manipulative and thinking she's highly dependent on me, and so on.... Frankly, a little too much like the accusations I was experiencing with M in the latter years.....
This seems to happen once in a while. The question that is running through my mind, though is.... was this really projection?? I have to wonder if these are questions and concerns running through her mind and emotions that she needs to be posing to herself..... or maybe they're rattling around and she hasn't really quite realized it....
I am a little concerned about the accusation toward me, since I am not remotely aware of any such controlling behavior, etc....
Is it my lack of self awareness?? Or hers??
When she came by after work, she was kind of spoiling for a fight. Accusing me of being manipulative and thinking she's highly dependent on me, and so on.... Frankly, a little too much like the accusations I was experiencing with M in the latter years.....
This seems to happen once in a while. The question that is running through my mind, though is.... was this really projection?? I have to wonder if these are questions and concerns running through her mind and emotions that she needs to be posing to herself..... or maybe they're rattling around and she hasn't really quite realized it....
I am a little concerned about the accusation toward me, since I am not remotely aware of any such controlling behavior, etc....
Is it my lack of self awareness?? Or hers??
PTSD sure does stick with you
Yesterday I made the error of sending an email to my Ex BPD partner to let her know about a swimsuit sale I knew she'd be interested in. Just to be nice. Big mistake.
Her reply was an excuse for her to try and engage me about a jointly held package of timeshare stays in Cancun. She's apparently feeling sorry for herself and wanting a cheap vacation -- wanted to know the status of the "freebies" for the package that "she was supposed to be able to use as part of our settlement...."
She also whined about not being able to continue to afford her house and "having to take a bath on it."
I took a walk shortly after reading the message and was very surprised at how much anxiety and reaction (PTSD) I was having. Stemmed a lot from not really wanting to try and let her know the freebies certificates expired before either of us really were ready to use them. Plus, the message was later in the afternoon -- timeframe tells me she had likely begun to drink.....
There was no way to gain anything by replying, yet anxiety arises at the reaction eventually to a lack of response. I ultimately took a page from my days going to my T -- she'd have wondered WHY I replied, had I done so.... more than implying that a healthier step would have been to simply delete it... and not to engage M..... So, that's what I did. I felt good about that. Still a little back of the mind concern about not replying.... but I am leaving it be.
The selling the house thing is/will never get any sympathy from me. As I explained to her son, when I quitclaimed the place, it was worth at least $200K with roughly $140K owed. M made the idiotic decision to roll her car loan balance of $20K or so, and heaven knows what else, into the new mortgage balance (which happened during the easy money time, just before the crash). Bottom line: she apparently now has a payment that is at least $400 per month higher than it should be.... with more prudent decision making.
PLUS, she got convinced by her on/off boyfriend to "sell" him her Vue (he still owes her a bunch apparently) and buy a new Jeep Liberty -- for payments of around $450 per month.... AND, he's helped her dig a humongous financial hole of credit card balances. This is not the extremely frugal, financially prudent woman I once loved. This is a very disabled, troubled lady that will probably never fully recover financially from her bad decisions.
I feel bad for her. But not more....
Her reply was an excuse for her to try and engage me about a jointly held package of timeshare stays in Cancun. She's apparently feeling sorry for herself and wanting a cheap vacation -- wanted to know the status of the "freebies" for the package that "she was supposed to be able to use as part of our settlement...."
She also whined about not being able to continue to afford her house and "having to take a bath on it."
I took a walk shortly after reading the message and was very surprised at how much anxiety and reaction (PTSD) I was having. Stemmed a lot from not really wanting to try and let her know the freebies certificates expired before either of us really were ready to use them. Plus, the message was later in the afternoon -- timeframe tells me she had likely begun to drink.....
There was no way to gain anything by replying, yet anxiety arises at the reaction eventually to a lack of response. I ultimately took a page from my days going to my T -- she'd have wondered WHY I replied, had I done so.... more than implying that a healthier step would have been to simply delete it... and not to engage M..... So, that's what I did. I felt good about that. Still a little back of the mind concern about not replying.... but I am leaving it be.
The selling the house thing is/will never get any sympathy from me. As I explained to her son, when I quitclaimed the place, it was worth at least $200K with roughly $140K owed. M made the idiotic decision to roll her car loan balance of $20K or so, and heaven knows what else, into the new mortgage balance (which happened during the easy money time, just before the crash). Bottom line: she apparently now has a payment that is at least $400 per month higher than it should be.... with more prudent decision making.
PLUS, she got convinced by her on/off boyfriend to "sell" him her Vue (he still owes her a bunch apparently) and buy a new Jeep Liberty -- for payments of around $450 per month.... AND, he's helped her dig a humongous financial hole of credit card balances. This is not the extremely frugal, financially prudent woman I once loved. This is a very disabled, troubled lady that will probably never fully recover financially from her bad decisions.
I feel bad for her. But not more....
Sunday, February 21, 2010
random thoughts
So, the simplest explanation is that B had a bit of a mood crash and proceeded as she did.... but that gets into lousy territory for me, that is for damn sure.
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
also need to write about B and her bender
I don't really know where to start here. I am having all kinds of PTSD (well, lightly -- but it's there). I've been feeling like there's some instability of mood and relationship with B that is of a concern -- too too much like what I had early on with M. And the last 18 hours have exacerbated that feeling quite a bit.
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
Guilt feelings about A2
Wow, it's been a while since I felt the need to journal. Meant to a few times, but never quite got to it.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
Monday, November 16, 2009
a small contention last night
with B. My phone rang with its whistling tone I have set as A2's ring. After a while, B made it plain that my getting that call peeved her. I challenged the matter a bit, but carefully. After a time, B figured out and shared that it was "my fears" that got kicked off.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Talked with A2. Mostly ok
got an email this afternoon requesting a conversation. Most of it was business related. Tale end got into that personal stuff that is an old song now....
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A2 no regrets, but anxiety remains
Just thinking it wise to try and get some of my thoughts and feelings out into my journal.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
still processing
some thoughts and feelings and remembrances of A2. I keep recollecting that I asked her outright at least twice over the time we were seeing each other if she was in love with me.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
She denied it.... although I know now she was.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Having to stop the direct contact for awhile
I don't want to, but I have to stop the regular contact with A2.
Last Sunday night she indicated she'll be up here on Friday, wanted to get together and "just talk". Bad idea.... That can only lead to more hurt feelings or issues.
She even went so far as to broach coming up on Thursday (to stay over with me) to better accommodate her need to see me and talk.... an even worse idea.
I've emailed her, regretfully trying to make it very clear that there isn't any going back... I'm moving on and moving forward.
The truth is, I don't have to and don't intend to cut off contact forever. Not like I had to with M. I don't feel abused, or feel like there is a lot of negative to make sure doesn't arise.... or pathology (well, other than A2's difficulty with deeper emotional connection).
I would tell her that, again, but now is not the time. Not while she continues to have hope of "putting things back together".
Better if I just fall silent with her for now.
It will be tough enough seeing one another at a meeting a week from Friday.... That is cause for a little trepidation. Not because something unpleasant may occur, but because it will still be a raw wound -- really, for both of us.
The various revelations
are continuing to rustle around in my head:
- That A2 was (probably) in love with me 2 years ago (and never said so in all these years)
- That she thought I was with my Ex last January when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway
- That she was ready to "jump the broom" practically (after dismissing constantly the idea of ever being married again all the time previously) after getting the (inexpensive) jewelry I gave her for her b-day
- That she began to refer to us as "significant others" but without ever an expression of love.
- That my intuition about her feelings was right, right from the start.
- That she had such feelings without ever actually revealing them outright.
It is truly a tragicomedy.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
and what I finally emailed to A2
subject: thoughts before tomorrow
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).
First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)
I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.
A few impressions and observations:
over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.
This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...
I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".
I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.
I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.
I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.
a little more
As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.
Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy
Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.
Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….
Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.
Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.
I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.
I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.
And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).
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