Don't you know?

The meltdown got led into after she'd had numerous beers, and who knows just which meds in her system. She'd continued to conflict with me and escalate / settle down.... Wouldn't quit no matter the lateness of the hour....

Then, momentarily, she started to talk again about last year and how hard that was and what a trauma it was to have my elderly father nearly crawl into bed with her....

She said, "Don't you understand? I'm afraid of your father."

Now, you have to understand that while I recall a younger father who was occasionally temperamental -- never abusive -- all she's ever known from this man is a gentleness of spirit and goodwill.


I was starting to understand that this was coming from some deeper, awful place.... and asked her if this fear was since then, or from before.

And she said, "it just takes me back to.... " and then she was inconsolable. Insisted I leave the room....

It appeared that a flood of sexual abuse memories intruded.

Mind you, she has never dealt with that stuff, as far as I know, with her T.

She wanted left alone. Stormed, raged, cried, sobbed. Mixed message with the doors. Locked one, left the other open.

About midnight I finally looked in on her and tried to finish talking her down, as she'd gotten calmer.

She spoke of sleeping under her bed so she mightn't be found.

She wondered why no one protected her..... why no one loved her.... and so on.

"Is it any wonder I'm so angry?" "I'm sorry to be angry so much... I know it's hard to deal with..."

But, she didn't want me near. I stayed in the doorway.


Earlier in the row, I'd finally made the statement that it was plain to me we do need to start talking about how to end this relationship.

"Yeah, thanks to YOUR mommy."

That didn't go far with me.

Anyway, suddenly, she briefly collected herself and started reprocessing that. Said, "OK, I am going to need to get myself out. Give me a date. Tell me when I have to be out of here."

Of course, I said, "not at 12:30 at night. That's not a further conversation to have."
(beside the fact that there isn't a good way to know whether she is in a dissociative state.... after all the conflict and upset and trauma....)

I was finally able to withdraw to the guest room and go to sleep.... but, I heard her mumbling about how she still didn't have a date by which to be out.... I ignored it, went to the guest bed and went to sleep.