Sometimes it's me

Well, today I've been feeling really emotionally lousy. Didn't start out that way. But, it got there. It happened something like this:

I woke up, got around, and left the house in a perfectly good mood. M seemed OK when I left, too. Just before 9:00 a.m. (just before the main of my work day should be commencing) my cell phone rang.

M was calling to let me know that she had found a list of dates of conferences I have out of town, which she had asked for some time back, but that leaving it "in the den for her to find" had not been an effective way to communicate or respond. At some point, I began to react badly. I have several theories as to why. But, fundamentally, I think she was trying to get reassurance again about the future of the relationship, be invited to go to any or all of the conferences, etc.... and I'm not comfortable with ANY of that. So, I got reactive and upset. The conversation just went worse and worse.

Each of us has tried to "patch it" or backfill over the course of the day. Yet, when I've not been busy, I find myself very, very concerned about the potential / probably lousy weekend we'll now spend. And, I lay the fault at my own feet. I did finally call her mid afternoon and took total responsibility for the conversation going badly and apologizing. For a more normal partnership, that might take care of..... but not one with a BPD partner.

There are serious conflicts in my mind and emotions over all of this. I didn't really want her at conferences because I've realized I don't engage as completely as I ought to with the conference activities with her there -- because, I tend to take a great deal of responsibility for her and the time she's having and her comfort levels. We seemed to have come to some resolution about that -- letting her be primarily responsible therein..... and I even relented on a soon upcoming conference to see how that might work out.

But, she's continued to stew and fuss over my honest telling that I feel freer and more relaxed to do that which I should do when she's not been along. Of course, part of the problem is that she's afeared I will do that which I should NOT do..... she has basic core trust issues.

My friend tells me I should just tell her, not this conference (pick one), but I'd like you to go to this other conference..... so that she doesn't feel so rejected.

But, I am really uncomfortable doing that when I'm not sure I can live another month in the same household with all this potential for conflict..... sigh.....