a few thoughts to record, just to refer to in the future looking back. The astrologer told me as much as to end this relationship soon and be done with it. Indicated taht M, should she do self harm as we are afraid of, may very well do it in a way that could injure me, if I am not careful. Suggested that I might not want to let her drive if she is upset.....
She also thought it was MORE likely, though, that M would shortly find someone else -- someone more to her equal (in lunacy, from what it sounds like). But, equal, at least....
She suggested quite strongly that I need to stop trying to make all others happy, and balanced. Rather, that I need to see to my own happiness and well being....
a similar message as from other sources.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Strange couple days
Yes, it's been a strange few days. Problems at work. Will calm down eventually. Had a reading with an astrologer that was very very interesting. Very.
So, last night I'm out to celebrate my youngest son's 30th b-day... and M hasa yet another night-time crisis.
Near as I can figure out, she was talking with her older son, probably whining about her younger boy staying in Michigan and staying involved with a girl mom doessn't really care for.... Anyway, the older boy must have said something about the girl being pregnant....
Happens to be untrue, although there was a scare 6 or 8 weeks ago. Anyway, 10:11 last night, M sent me an email that boiled down to oh, god... and the boy's too young... and all that. And, by 10:40 or so she'd left one somewhat lucid message on the answering machine at home... and two more on my cell phone voicemail shortly (?) thereafter that was almost completely unintelligible.
Meltdown.... meltdown....
Today, she didn't answer her phone.... but, I see she's left a sarcastic txt mail for me.
Anyway, I talked to the younger boy. He confirmed that his brother had it messed up. No current pregnancy scare. Meanwhile, late this p.m., I see the older boy sent me a text wondering if I'd heard anything about J getting married....
Weird, weird, weird.
Then, there's the matter of a sudden and unexpected death in my family. I had a very elderly aunt die yesterday in an accidental brush and grass fire. She was burning trash.... and it got away from her. I really liked her. Anyway, an odd and sudden death for a gracious and interesting woman. I'll miss her.
So, last night I'm out to celebrate my youngest son's 30th b-day... and M hasa yet another night-time crisis.
Near as I can figure out, she was talking with her older son, probably whining about her younger boy staying in Michigan and staying involved with a girl mom doessn't really care for.... Anyway, the older boy must have said something about the girl being pregnant....
Happens to be untrue, although there was a scare 6 or 8 weeks ago. Anyway, 10:11 last night, M sent me an email that boiled down to oh, god... and the boy's too young... and all that. And, by 10:40 or so she'd left one somewhat lucid message on the answering machine at home... and two more on my cell phone voicemail shortly (?) thereafter that was almost completely unintelligible.
Meltdown.... meltdown....
Today, she didn't answer her phone.... but, I see she's left a sarcastic txt mail for me.
Anyway, I talked to the younger boy. He confirmed that his brother had it messed up. No current pregnancy scare. Meanwhile, late this p.m., I see the older boy sent me a text wondering if I'd heard anything about J getting married....
Weird, weird, weird.
Then, there's the matter of a sudden and unexpected death in my family. I had a very elderly aunt die yesterday in an accidental brush and grass fire. She was burning trash.... and it got away from her. I really liked her. Anyway, an odd and sudden death for a gracious and interesting woman. I'll miss her.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Pathological dependency
My T used an interesting phrase this week. Actually, two. At one point she said, "You know, (re: M) it's really pathological dependency".
I mentioned that multiple esoteric sources have told me that M is badly "stuck" and that this relationship in this form really is keeping her stuck.
T observed that it seems that either the relationship has to change / end OR M will essentially remain an invalid -- emotionally speaking, of course.
I told her I might use that phrase, but I was kidding. Saying to an invalid, who doesn't recognized their high degree of invalidity, is asking for terrible trouble.
I mentioned that multiple esoteric sources have told me that M is badly "stuck" and that this relationship in this form really is keeping her stuck.
T observed that it seems that either the relationship has to change / end OR M will essentially remain an invalid -- emotionally speaking, of course.
I told her I might use that phrase, but I was kidding. Saying to an invalid, who doesn't recognized their high degree of invalidity, is asking for terrible trouble.
For crying out loud, already
I had a few rough days this week. Troubles at work that were worrying me. M finally caught on that I actually WAS very concerned and troubled.... and decided to be the same, sort of on my behalf.... but of course, she cannot remotely touch any crisis of mine without becoming crisis-bound herself.... Cannot shift the focus within from her own pain and trouble to anyone elses......
So, yesterday / last night was finally the critical moment I'd been waiting for. She had gotten confused, as often happens, and thought the event was on Tuesday, and had gotten al worked up when I didn't talk to her Tuesday night (I don't like to talk to her after early evening, as she usually has had too much self medication -- pills and beer or wine. )
When I corrected her understanding, she fretted and worried, and got upset again about her own situation, etc, etc....
Of course, what I needed was some REAL partnership, not a situation where my "partner" goes into crisis because I"M trying to hold off a crisis of my own....
But, of course, she crashed. She had asked me to be sure to call her and "let me know the outcome". Well, it was 9:00 p.m. before a final resolution occurred. I wanted to keep the call brief, because of the time of night and because for the first time in a while, I was headed out to the pub with friends, after a long, hard day and evening.....
I call. She's deep, deep in crisis. Weeping.... very sad.... yet another round.
First I engaged a little, "why are you weeping?" (thnking to myself, why did you insist I call you if you are just going to be in emotional crisis I didn't cause and can't do anything about).... She says, "Oh, let's see. 1300 miles from home. All alone, I don't know anybody... no place to go, etc, etc....I don't know, why do you suppose I'm weeping?"
Speech is slow, almost slurred. Wanted "to talk about things" "needed me" all that jazz. I wouldn't have it. Begged off the phone and went on about my late evening.
Of course, she called back minutes later. I made the mistake of taking it. She finally pressed my buttons enough to make me angry.... hung up.Turned her phone off, etc, etc.
I left it be at that point. Couldn't do otherwise.
Of course, when I am finally on my way home ( a 25 minute trip from where I was at ) at 10:40 p.m, she decided to call. In not better condition. Maybe worse. Now offended that "you're out so late" (she often asserts that if I'm out with her I get tired; that I'm always tired by 10:30 p -- which at home is true -- unless I'm out with people -- other than her -- then I'm able to stay away-- what's that say about being with me, she'll say...
On and on. Went round about just a little, when I told her I really thought she needed to hang up and get some sleep. "I haven't slept in 3 days -- I've been worrying about you and your situation...."
I finally said, "I'm going to hang up now and let you go to sleep. I hope you get some rest...." and I did.
Now, mind you, at this point apparently she'd already voicemailed me on my phone about 6 times (haven't listened to or recorded those yet) AND about 8 more messages left on the answering machine at home. Several of which are pretty unintelligible.
So, again I say.... for crying out loud already.
So, yesterday / last night was finally the critical moment I'd been waiting for. She had gotten confused, as often happens, and thought the event was on Tuesday, and had gotten al worked up when I didn't talk to her Tuesday night (I don't like to talk to her after early evening, as she usually has had too much self medication -- pills and beer or wine. )
When I corrected her understanding, she fretted and worried, and got upset again about her own situation, etc, etc....
Of course, what I needed was some REAL partnership, not a situation where my "partner" goes into crisis because I"M trying to hold off a crisis of my own....
But, of course, she crashed. She had asked me to be sure to call her and "let me know the outcome". Well, it was 9:00 p.m. before a final resolution occurred. I wanted to keep the call brief, because of the time of night and because for the first time in a while, I was headed out to the pub with friends, after a long, hard day and evening.....
I call. She's deep, deep in crisis. Weeping.... very sad.... yet another round.
First I engaged a little, "why are you weeping?" (thnking to myself, why did you insist I call you if you are just going to be in emotional crisis I didn't cause and can't do anything about).... She says, "Oh, let's see. 1300 miles from home. All alone, I don't know anybody... no place to go, etc, etc....I don't know, why do you suppose I'm weeping?"
Speech is slow, almost slurred. Wanted "to talk about things" "needed me" all that jazz. I wouldn't have it. Begged off the phone and went on about my late evening.
Of course, she called back minutes later. I made the mistake of taking it. She finally pressed my buttons enough to make me angry.... hung up.Turned her phone off, etc, etc.
I left it be at that point. Couldn't do otherwise.
Of course, when I am finally on my way home ( a 25 minute trip from where I was at ) at 10:40 p.m, she decided to call. In not better condition. Maybe worse. Now offended that "you're out so late" (she often asserts that if I'm out with her I get tired; that I'm always tired by 10:30 p -- which at home is true -- unless I'm out with people -- other than her -- then I'm able to stay away-- what's that say about being with me, she'll say...
On and on. Went round about just a little, when I told her I really thought she needed to hang up and get some sleep. "I haven't slept in 3 days -- I've been worrying about you and your situation...."
I finally said, "I'm going to hang up now and let you go to sleep. I hope you get some rest...." and I did.
Now, mind you, at this point apparently she'd already voicemailed me on my phone about 6 times (haven't listened to or recorded those yet) AND about 8 more messages left on the answering machine at home. Several of which are pretty unintelligible.
So, again I say.... for crying out loud already.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Apt movies
So, after the days like the last few with M, plus the behavior or lack of communication today.... guess I couldn't resist the irony of the movies that caught my eye to watch this evening.
Just got done watching "Girl Interrupted" (about a young borderline woman)..... during that movie, the inmates at one point were watching "The Wizard of Oz" which was probably a deliberate bit. After all, those of us who are partners to BPD people look to Oz as an allegory for our situations. Probably part of why it was included in the movie -- an "inside joke".
Anyway, I can't resist but put the Wizard on following the other movie....
Just too apt. Too fitting. Too ironic.....
Just got done watching "Girl Interrupted" (about a young borderline woman)..... during that movie, the inmates at one point were watching "The Wizard of Oz" which was probably a deliberate bit. After all, those of us who are partners to BPD people look to Oz as an allegory for our situations. Probably part of why it was included in the movie -- an "inside joke".
Anyway, I can't resist but put the Wizard on following the other movie....
Just too apt. Too fitting. Too ironic.....
Classic, or what?
Well, I've tried repeatedly to reach M today.... doing my duty. She's had her phone turned off. Who knows what she might have done or be up to. Could be orneriness, or could be self-harm. I suppose if I don't reach her tomorrow or hear from her, I'd better send the Naples police to check. Got a e-postcard from her at almost 4:00 p.m., but who knows when it was actually sent or generated.
But, I do not have control over this.... or the outcome of what she may have done or be up to. Only she does.
But, the behavior is classic.... .
But, I do not have control over this.... or the outcome of what she may have done or be up to. Only she does.
But, the behavior is classic.... .
Mixed feelings, definitely mixed
Wow.
Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.
Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.
YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.
Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.
Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.
Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.
Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.
I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....
I just don't know.
Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.
Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.
YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.
Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.
Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.
Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.
Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.
I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....
I just don't know.
last night's conversation
M called last night and actually stayed pretty reasonable... although, she got my goat eventually as she kept casting about for reassuring and "caring" words from me. Hard to describe her tone very accurately. She sounded like she hadn't been drinking much or taken too much in the way of valium or xanax. Sounded like she was trying to stay emminently reasonable. Although, it became obvious as I began to react to the attempts to entrap me... that she was also trying to be the "good guy" to my "bad guy".... or whatever.
I got pretty antsy and pissy a few times.... No doubt about that.
She also mentioned feeling pretty homesick at this point.....
Later, after I turned my phone off, she left a pleasant message about what a nice night, and the stars and all.... but, of course, by midnight, had melted down and left what almost sounded self destructive. Hard to tell.
OTOH, I received several pictures / emails this a.m..... which tells me she must not have done anything drastic as of 11:30 a.m. or so....
BUT, I didn't try to call her right away, as I was busy with some home business. Was 1:00p before I had a chance to try to give her a holler.
Well, her phone is OFF. Now it's past 4:00 p and the phone is still turned off....
Again, not sure what to make, or that I WANT to make much out of that.
But, I have to face that she may very well have done herself some self harm. If typical, a non-fatal dose of pills. But, one day she may succeed, and this could be the day. OTOH, turning her phone off may just be passive-aggressive behavior. Angry because I didn't call soon enough, or contrite enough or whatever.
I got pretty antsy and pissy a few times.... No doubt about that.
She also mentioned feeling pretty homesick at this point.....
Later, after I turned my phone off, she left a pleasant message about what a nice night, and the stars and all.... but, of course, by midnight, had melted down and left what almost sounded self destructive. Hard to tell.
OTOH, I received several pictures / emails this a.m..... which tells me she must not have done anything drastic as of 11:30 a.m. or so....
BUT, I didn't try to call her right away, as I was busy with some home business. Was 1:00p before I had a chance to try to give her a holler.
Well, her phone is OFF. Now it's past 4:00 p and the phone is still turned off....
Again, not sure what to make, or that I WANT to make much out of that.
But, I have to face that she may very well have done herself some self harm. If typical, a non-fatal dose of pills. But, one day she may succeed, and this could be the day. OTOH, turning her phone off may just be passive-aggressive behavior. Angry because I didn't call soon enough, or contrite enough or whatever.
Friday, March 23, 2007
what a week
this was.
Busy, busy at work. And M would not let up much. I don't know what is so hard to understand about taking some time apart and giving some space for thoughts and difficult feelings to get assessed and dealt with.
Every day, a message or two on the phone, email, often several midnight voicemails on the cell phone....
Then tonight, she tried to play it cool... "talk things over" get some reassurance, etc, etc....
Just frustrating as heck.
Again, in frustration, I told her just come on back and we'll deal with what we must. (She doesn't yet know for certain that I mean to break this off and be done with it. )
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Busy, busy at work. And M would not let up much. I don't know what is so hard to understand about taking some time apart and giving some space for thoughts and difficult feelings to get assessed and dealt with.
Every day, a message or two on the phone, email, often several midnight voicemails on the cell phone....
Then tonight, she tried to play it cool... "talk things over" get some reassurance, etc, etc....
Just frustrating as heck.
Again, in frustration, I told her just come on back and we'll deal with what we must. (She doesn't yet know for certain that I mean to break this off and be done with it. )
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
apart for awhile, but
what an excrutiating ride to the airport. M is clearly in a mindset to assume the relationship is altogether over. Kept picking, then wantin greassurances.... etc, etc. Blaming, weeping, all the usual.
I am sad to be here. at this point.
Lots of mixed messages. She cannot seem to grasp that I do care and love, but I cannot tolerate all of the chaos and instability. She doesn't view herself that way, particualrly, although she cleims to have been "much more stable 6 monbths ago.
almost turned aroud to pick me up.
Offered repeatedly to drive her and me back....
sh'e very sick
plane is beginning to boaqrd.
I am sad to be here. at this point.
Lots of mixed messages. She cannot seem to grasp that I do care and love, but I cannot tolerate all of the chaos and instability. She doesn't view herself that way, particualrly, although she cleims to have been "much more stable 6 monbths ago.
almost turned aroud to pick me up.
Offered repeatedly to drive her and me back....
sh'e very sick
plane is beginning to boaqrd.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
a more typical re-frame
after I came back from a walk, having been leaving her alone as it appears she wanted, she says, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong...."
The constant re-framing of reality
that a BPD person engages in is stunning. And hard to adjust to.
For instance, one M fell into the despair she's fallen into, she reframed the reason for her being here in FL, supposedly for the next month.
You see, her son had rented a condo, near the Gulf coast (Naples / Ft Meyer area) that he's not using, because he came "back home temporarily...." except, it's not so temporary after all. So, he's given notice here, but the place isn't being used for the next month+.
He and I BOTH had suggested, when M was feeling so distressed about life at our house (me too busy, 5 acres in the country too isolated, etc)) that she bring herself down here.
For me, I needed the break -- after all, I was right at the point of moving out of the house temporarily as it was.
So, at first, she made the arrangement to head here out of anger at me. Then, shifted her reality (like, shortly after the son said, "NO, he couldn't drive down here with her"). She played nice, cooed and such.... and I made the mistake of believing it would be OK to take a sudden week off to help her drive down and spend a few days together on vacation.
Naturally, she crashed. AND, NOW, the re-framing, off and on, is that I manipulated her to get her down here -- to be rid of her for a while.... yadayadayada.
From angry, to nice, to feeling taken advantage of. Breathtaking.
For instance, one M fell into the despair she's fallen into, she reframed the reason for her being here in FL, supposedly for the next month.
You see, her son had rented a condo, near the Gulf coast (Naples / Ft Meyer area) that he's not using, because he came "back home temporarily...." except, it's not so temporary after all. So, he's given notice here, but the place isn't being used for the next month+.
He and I BOTH had suggested, when M was feeling so distressed about life at our house (me too busy, 5 acres in the country too isolated, etc)) that she bring herself down here.
For me, I needed the break -- after all, I was right at the point of moving out of the house temporarily as it was.
So, at first, she made the arrangement to head here out of anger at me. Then, shifted her reality (like, shortly after the son said, "NO, he couldn't drive down here with her"). She played nice, cooed and such.... and I made the mistake of believing it would be OK to take a sudden week off to help her drive down and spend a few days together on vacation.
Naturally, she crashed. AND, NOW, the re-framing, off and on, is that I manipulated her to get her down here -- to be rid of her for a while.... yadayadayada.
From angry, to nice, to feeling taken advantage of. Breathtaking.
a breathe
Well, she just left, on her own, to go do her own shopping (I offered, she refused).
"Guess I have to figure it out" says she.
Well, I'm just glad to FINALLY have a short bit of breathing room. I know I obsess over her. That's got to / going to stop. But, man, it gets hard having someone who is pissed off at you around in some form every minute. Yipe.
I've had to post quick journal entries, as drafts, over the last few days to get things roughly recorded, but I've scarcely had any guaranteed private time.
So, this is it, at last.
Interesting to watch what she was doing at her computer. First she pursued a bit more information on the dietary approach I'd found for her condition.
Then, even though she told me she'd manage to get me to the airport (2.5 hours each way) tomorrow, she took a look at last minute flights between the nearby airport and TPA.
Seems silly, seeing as she insisted midmorning that there was NO need for me to rent a car to take myself, because she says, "I'll meet MY obligation(s)."
What a sentiment.
I'm feeling a bit run down after 2.5 days of tension and high stress. Her pain washes over all around her.
I finally know I cannot truly "cure it". Nowadays, I seem to be a significant contributor.
And, yes, it's virtually certain the next month is a transition toward significantly separate lives.
It may help her. It will be for the best for me.
"Guess I have to figure it out" says she.
Well, I'm just glad to FINALLY have a short bit of breathing room. I know I obsess over her. That's got to / going to stop. But, man, it gets hard having someone who is pissed off at you around in some form every minute. Yipe.
I've had to post quick journal entries, as drafts, over the last few days to get things roughly recorded, but I've scarcely had any guaranteed private time.
So, this is it, at last.
Interesting to watch what she was doing at her computer. First she pursued a bit more information on the dietary approach I'd found for her condition.
Then, even though she told me she'd manage to get me to the airport (2.5 hours each way) tomorrow, she took a look at last minute flights between the nearby airport and TPA.
Seems silly, seeing as she insisted midmorning that there was NO need for me to rent a car to take myself, because she says, "I'll meet MY obligation(s)."
What a sentiment.
I'm feeling a bit run down after 2.5 days of tension and high stress. Her pain washes over all around her.
I finally know I cannot truly "cure it". Nowadays, I seem to be a significant contributor.
And, yes, it's virtually certain the next month is a transition toward significantly separate lives.
It may help her. It will be for the best for me.
She's pretty sick
with IBS / intestinal bacterial overgrowth.
I'm a litte concerned about leaving her behind to cope with it on her own.
OTOH, she says her guts have been terrible ever since our last trip to FL. This is just a variation, and exacerbated by the extreme relationship / breakup mindset she's put herself into.
She insists she'll hold together for the 5 hour RT to the airport tomorrow. I would really rather have rented a car....
Of course, eventually, I could see she was checking flights between here and TPA to save herself the trouble. So, let me rent a car, for crying out loud.
I'm a litte concerned about leaving her behind to cope with it on her own.
OTOH, she says her guts have been terrible ever since our last trip to FL. This is just a variation, and exacerbated by the extreme relationship / breakup mindset she's put herself into.
She insists she'll hold together for the 5 hour RT to the airport tomorrow. I would really rather have rented a car....
Of course, eventually, I could see she was checking flights between here and TPA to save herself the trouble. So, let me rent a car, for crying out loud.
the ring thing
apparently, a onyx and diamonds ring I bought for her to show love meant more like "engagement" to her some years back. Varyingly, she's appreciated it, exoriated me for having bought a different ring than she sent me to the store for... reactions and history and remembrances have varied.
One negative habit she adopted a few months + ago was to return the ring.... whenever she clearly feels "it's over".
Sad to see her in such pain.
But, T says "you can't comfort whom you hurt".
Put it in my Dopp kit for now. Maybe I'll wear it occasionally to remember her by.
One negative habit she adopted a few months + ago was to return the ring.... whenever she clearly feels "it's over".
Sad to see her in such pain.
But, T says "you can't comfort whom you hurt".
Put it in my Dopp kit for now. Maybe I'll wear it occasionally to remember her by.
Friday, March 16, 2007
more of the same sad sack sh**
today. Worse than yesterday. Our "week together" before a month of separation, and she cannot get ahold of her negative feelings and turn them about.
I told her outright that it appears she's determined to leave things on a bad note... Too bad. I've tried to do otherwise. Thought she was trying, too.
But, she's had to plow the same ground over and over and over again. The bits about the crackers on Xmas day, the speech about leaving a few days later, on and on. She cannot / will not find emotional closure. Logic doesn't help.
Some things just will not change. Her negative nature is one. Her constant feeling of rejection and failure to measure up is another.
Nor will her tendency, deeply BPD, to reframe events and history.
Like the start of our relationship.
Of late, she's convinced herself that I seduced her from a stable, happy enough relationship. That I have used her to meet my unfilled sexual needs, etc, etc.
It's a huge, dramatic reframing. Actually, this one truly surprises me.... but, I suppose nothing really should
I told her outright that it appears she's determined to leave things on a bad note... Too bad. I've tried to do otherwise. Thought she was trying, too.
But, she's had to plow the same ground over and over and over again. The bits about the crackers on Xmas day, the speech about leaving a few days later, on and on. She cannot / will not find emotional closure. Logic doesn't help.
Some things just will not change. Her negative nature is one. Her constant feeling of rejection and failure to measure up is another.
Nor will her tendency, deeply BPD, to reframe events and history.
Like the start of our relationship.
Of late, she's convinced herself that I seduced her from a stable, happy enough relationship. That I have used her to meet my unfilled sexual needs, etc, etc.
It's a huge, dramatic reframing. Actually, this one truly surprises me.... but, I suppose nothing really should
sick and sad
she's heartsick, bodily sick, deeply sad.... assuming we're over, and in many ways, we are, no doubt.
She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."
Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.
Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.
One I have to find my cure for.
As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....
At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"
She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).
I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.
She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."
Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.
Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.
One I have to find my cure for.
As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....
At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"
She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).
I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
the wine
and the illness
does it every time. Meltdown city. Yup. Bottle of wine she thinks will make it better. Loosens her mouth and her feelings and makes it worse. Every time.
but she doesn't see it.
does it every time. Meltdown city. Yup. Bottle of wine she thinks will make it better. Loosens her mouth and her feelings and makes it worse. Every time.
but she doesn't see it.
crashed already
last night into today... of course. She can't sustain a good positive aspect.... All I have to do is say the wrong thing or fail to say the right one... etc, etc
In this case, late, pillow talk. She starts into how she's kind of scared to be down here on her own, away from me for a month, etc, etc.
Said, "I'm really going to miss you"
My response, instead of a like sentiment, was to say something like, "It's really too soon to be into all that, don't you think..??"
I don't know if I did or did not say I'd miss her to, but she's told me emphatically, several times since, that I did not....
that I clearly "just want to be rid of her".
Yup. She's riding the crash. Swung to black just that quick. she can't give it up, either.
Went on into today, although at times she seemed to be contrite about her overly emotional state of mind, and such...
But, overall, a misery.
PLUS, she's really quite physically ill. She hadn't really made me fully aware of the extent of her gastointestinal issues. Until she called me in to see the horrendous aftermath of an explosive diarrhea episode -- which I cleaned up.... pointing out to her, as she kept telling me she would clean it, that when she's looking for evidence that I love her -- it doesn't get a whole lot more loving than to clean up your loved one's shit.
anyway, we're pretty sure the cause is something called bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and we've come up with some natural remedies.
Of course, a whole lot of it is just plain stress induced. The stress she's feeling as a result of the extreme crash she's holding on to. The "failed relationship" stress and all that.
I imagine that one I vacate, and she's adjusted in a few days, she'll shake the intense stress and that will make the rest better by some, maybe by a lot.
In this case, late, pillow talk. She starts into how she's kind of scared to be down here on her own, away from me for a month, etc, etc.
Said, "I'm really going to miss you"
My response, instead of a like sentiment, was to say something like, "It's really too soon to be into all that, don't you think..??"
I don't know if I did or did not say I'd miss her to, but she's told me emphatically, several times since, that I did not....
that I clearly "just want to be rid of her".
Yup. She's riding the crash. Swung to black just that quick. she can't give it up, either.
Went on into today, although at times she seemed to be contrite about her overly emotional state of mind, and such...
But, overall, a misery.
PLUS, she's really quite physically ill. She hadn't really made me fully aware of the extent of her gastointestinal issues. Until she called me in to see the horrendous aftermath of an explosive diarrhea episode -- which I cleaned up.... pointing out to her, as she kept telling me she would clean it, that when she's looking for evidence that I love her -- it doesn't get a whole lot more loving than to clean up your loved one's shit.
anyway, we're pretty sure the cause is something called bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and we've come up with some natural remedies.
Of course, a whole lot of it is just plain stress induced. The stress she's feeling as a result of the extreme crash she's holding on to. The "failed relationship" stress and all that.
I imagine that one I vacate, and she's adjusted in a few days, she'll shake the intense stress and that will make the rest better by some, maybe by a lot.
ride went OK
Amazingly so. In fact, we got along pretty well for the packing and the 2 1/2 day trip to get to FL. Not likely to last, but nice while it has.
No bitter, harsh talk. No difficult subject matter. Just kind of trying to ignore the purpose and allow ourselves some decent time together....
Although, my work intruded more than I would have hoped. She appeared to be understanding, but one case she heard me handling brought back bitter memories of her own abuse at the hands of management.
Still, it was graceful all around. Peaceful. Companionable, even
No bitter, harsh talk. No difficult subject matter. Just kind of trying to ignore the purpose and allow ourselves some decent time together....
Although, my work intruded more than I would have hoped. She appeared to be understanding, but one case she heard me handling brought back bitter memories of her own abuse at the hands of management.
Still, it was graceful all around. Peaceful. Companionable, even
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Why she's going away in a good state of mind
Why, well, my opinion is that she finally found a way to make a somewhat autonomous decision about it, showed a little independence, AND found me still entirely understanding, accepting, and loving and encouraging.
I think it's been HUGE for her to decide to do this -- somewhat in a challenging way, but at least, to show a little bit of independence and autonomy.
Bully for M.
Should be an interesting month to six weeks.
I think it's been HUGE for her to decide to do this -- somewhat in a challenging way, but at least, to show a little bit of independence and autonomy.
Bully for M.
Should be an interesting month to six weeks.
Life's easier
"You know", M said yesterday, "it's a lot easier when I rememember I love you...."
Yes, classic hoovering.Gotta be careful. It's tough to be both emotionally available, and not visibly emotionally wary. But, I am the latter. That's for certain.
She's packed for her extended time away today without any incident or difficulty. I can tell she's relishing spending some time away with me,, etc, etc. She's being loving and caring and all that she can be when sbe's swung to white instead of the black.
Still and all, it is just one more iteration of an old pattern.
Here's a bit from a somewhat positive sharing exercise we recently had (email exchange, where I finally gave her a little feedback on some writings she'd given to me (related to the Dr Phil stuff....)
She'd written: Lastly, I think what struck me the very most was in your
introductory paragraph: "I know that for a long time I
have been putting up walls between us and then hiding
behind them to avoid being emotionally true to you and
our relationship. I thought I would feel safe behind those
walls, but I didn't feel safe at all, I just felt lonely. Now is
the time for me to finish knocking down the walls and be
vulnerable to you. It scares me, but it is also a rish that
I am willinly taking because I know this is the only way
for us to be close again. And I want that very much.
I need that very much. I also trust myself to be able to
survive anything negative that might come from this. "
and I wrote the following perspective for my part:
As I read that, I once again thought back over the years
(and this is a thought / memory that occurs to me
quite regularly).
Emotional walls and withdrawal behind them was a challenge
in the beginning and has been a continuing challenge throughout
our relationship. I know I say that I used to be much better at
recognizing that you were behind walls and drawing you out.
But, I have to tell you that one of my strongest memories of
our first days living together is you being upset, withdrawn,
and my just not understanding why and what to do about it.
I can picture it in my mind as I type this. I would sit down
at your old piano, take out some music from Camelot,
and sing, with all my heart, the song, "How to Handle a Woman".
which advises, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, love her,
love her."
To the best of my ability, fundamentally, I've tried simply to
do that. And I'm so sorry I've ultimately failed so miserably
for you.
Yes, classic hoovering.Gotta be careful. It's tough to be both emotionally available, and not visibly emotionally wary. But, I am the latter. That's for certain.
She's packed for her extended time away today without any incident or difficulty. I can tell she's relishing spending some time away with me,, etc, etc. She's being loving and caring and all that she can be when sbe's swung to white instead of the black.
Still and all, it is just one more iteration of an old pattern.
Here's a bit from a somewhat positive sharing exercise we recently had (email exchange, where I finally gave her a little feedback on some writings she'd given to me (related to the Dr Phil stuff....)
She'd written: Lastly, I think what struck me the very most was in your
introductory paragraph: "I know that for a long time I
have been putting up walls between us and then hiding
behind them to avoid being emotionally true to you and
our relationship. I thought I would feel safe behind those
walls, but I didn't feel safe at all, I just felt lonely. Now is
the time for me to finish knocking down the walls and be
vulnerable to you. It scares me, but it is also a rish that
I am willinly taking because I know this is the only way
for us to be close again. And I want that very much.
I need that very much. I also trust myself to be able to
survive anything negative that might come from this. "
and I wrote the following perspective for my part:
As I read that, I once again thought back over the years
(and this is a thought / memory that occurs to me
quite regularly).
Emotional walls and withdrawal behind them was a challenge
in the beginning and has been a continuing challenge throughout
our relationship. I know I say that I used to be much better at
recognizing that you were behind walls and drawing you out.
But, I have to tell you that one of my strongest memories of
our first days living together is you being upset, withdrawn,
and my just not understanding why and what to do about it.
I can picture it in my mind as I type this. I would sit down
at your old piano, take out some music from Camelot,
and sing, with all my heart, the song, "How to Handle a Woman".
which advises, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, love her,
love her."
To the best of my ability, fundamentally, I've tried simply to
do that. And I'm so sorry I've ultimately failed so miserably
for you.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
N twist in life
Suddenly, I'm taking a vacation week to help M drive to FL where she'll stay for a month or so. Be a good break for both of us (I'm to fly back on the weekend).
Yesterday, the friendly M showed up. Much more loving and convivial.... of course, it's hoovering.... But, I'm OK.
Actually, I'm using this in the back of my mind as the "vacation together we promised to take before breaking off the relationship" -- some odd conversation years back.
Anyway, call it floating downstream. We'll see where it leads.... I still don't see any way to ultimately reconcile all.
Yesterday, the friendly M showed up. Much more loving and convivial.... of course, it's hoovering.... But, I'm OK.
Actually, I'm using this in the back of my mind as the "vacation together we promised to take before breaking off the relationship" -- some odd conversation years back.
Anyway, call it floating downstream. We'll see where it leads.... I still don't see any way to ultimately reconcile all.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Estranged from all
That's M. Estranged from me, very much from her older son, somewhat from the younger (he was lobbied to help her drive to FL, but he really doesn't want to spend 2 days alone in a car with her.
Apparently she called her older boy and had a row, again.
Even her sis is beyond exasperated.
It must be terrible to estrange yourself from all who love you, and to believe it's all their fault and none of yours.
I know she's got a bad psyche -- she alluded to it twice tonight, at least -- that she was unwanted as a child, never really loved....
Which is true, true, true.
Then went on and on about how I will never find anyone to love me as much as she, and who would sacrifice so much and put up with so much abuse.... etc, etc, etc, etc.
I'm really tired of this.
Apparently she called her older boy and had a row, again.
Even her sis is beyond exasperated.
It must be terrible to estrange yourself from all who love you, and to believe it's all their fault and none of yours.
I know she's got a bad psyche -- she alluded to it twice tonight, at least -- that she was unwanted as a child, never really loved....
Which is true, true, true.
Then went on and on about how I will never find anyone to love me as much as she, and who would sacrifice so much and put up with so much abuse.... etc, etc, etc, etc.
I'm really tired of this.
another whataday
Multiple conflicted text messages.
Many voicemails.
Demands / implications that IF I truly cared, I'd be trying to initiate a conversation before Sunday..... Which I tried. Got together just about 4:30, bit more than an hour.... but she assumed I was going to ask her what it was I had texted her that I was curious about / wanted to ask about from her Dr Phil work / writings.
Well, as luck would have it, those were back in my hotel room. I had put my book bag in the room and IT had that material in it....
So, the conversation got a bit disjointed, out of control, erratic (like her and her emotions.... my trying to talk was erratic, too).
Finally ended when she brought up how hurt she still feels over having her "dirty laundry" of her childhood living situation (see Florida entries) publicly displayed.... I said, but the point was of pride over what you'd overcome.... she just said, it still hurt and I still cry whenever I remember it.... and now I have to leave....
Off I went to my evening meetings.... had to turn my phone off because she was causing so much distraction with calls / voicemails.
Later, I turned on my phone briefly... found a page to call home. Called home and she wanted to know WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR VOICEMAIL BE FILLED UP??!!
Well, when I checked quick, there were 15 new messages. All but one from her. And she wondered why it filled up??
Now, she's sounding more and more serious about running away. Probably to FL.
She does need to get away, and probably would be good for her to do it on her terms.
Many voicemails.
Demands / implications that IF I truly cared, I'd be trying to initiate a conversation before Sunday..... Which I tried. Got together just about 4:30, bit more than an hour.... but she assumed I was going to ask her what it was I had texted her that I was curious about / wanted to ask about from her Dr Phil work / writings.
Well, as luck would have it, those were back in my hotel room. I had put my book bag in the room and IT had that material in it....
So, the conversation got a bit disjointed, out of control, erratic (like her and her emotions.... my trying to talk was erratic, too).
Finally ended when she brought up how hurt she still feels over having her "dirty laundry" of her childhood living situation (see Florida entries) publicly displayed.... I said, but the point was of pride over what you'd overcome.... she just said, it still hurt and I still cry whenever I remember it.... and now I have to leave....
Off I went to my evening meetings.... had to turn my phone off because she was causing so much distraction with calls / voicemails.
Later, I turned on my phone briefly... found a page to call home. Called home and she wanted to know WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR VOICEMAIL BE FILLED UP??!!
Well, when I checked quick, there were 15 new messages. All but one from her. And she wondered why it filled up??
Now, she's sounding more and more serious about running away. Probably to FL.
She does need to get away, and probably would be good for her to do it on her terms.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
The usual threats
Thought I'd record this before it fades completely
had some of the usual threats, "I won't be here when you come home" etc....
and more significantly, as she's bouncing all over in her mood (primarily DYSphoric, though) she made a remark about how I shouldn't come home, as she isn't sure she'll even "make it to morning, and you don't want to be here for that...."
I decided NOT to obsess over that. She do what she does, and she'd do it with me there.
Her karma.
had some of the usual threats, "I won't be here when you come home" etc....
and more significantly, as she's bouncing all over in her mood (primarily DYSphoric, though) she made a remark about how I shouldn't come home, as she isn't sure she'll even "make it to morning, and you don't want to be here for that...."
I decided NOT to obsess over that. She do what she does, and she'd do it with me there.
Her karma.
No surprises
things got worse as the night wore on. text and phone calls. Accusations of not caring. Of abusing. All kinds of things.
Texted me so much, my inbox on my phone is 90 % full.
She called just before 10p, literally bouncing all over. She carried on about the cortisone shot and how "You know how that affects me and what bad shape I'll be in...." etc, etc. "
I said, "Fine, I'm coming home...."
minutes later she called to back me off on that. But, still we went round on some things. I finally got pissed and told that much of what she was saying was an outright lie and she needed to stop lying to herself and others.
That I'm AT the hotel because she asked me to. And, didn't stay home after an invite because she expressed discomfort / stress over my company. And angrily told her SHE needed to take some responsibility for what SHE"S caused here.
I am especially peeved, and bemused by the accusatory phone call about how, "Your up past your bedtinme (which she seems to define as 9:30p)). Funny how you can't stay out late with ME. " and on and on.
Yet another lie she tells herself -- conveniently forgetting all the times I've been out late doing karaoke with her, or other such. Conveniently fails to register that I'm regularly up, with her, to watch the 11:00 news and weather. Not always.
Nope, she equates the occasional dozing off mid-evening with going to sleep for the night.... or other ridiculousness.
What a pain in the ass.
Texted me so much, my inbox on my phone is 90 % full.
She called just before 10p, literally bouncing all over. She carried on about the cortisone shot and how "You know how that affects me and what bad shape I'll be in...." etc, etc. "
I said, "Fine, I'm coming home...."
minutes later she called to back me off on that. But, still we went round on some things. I finally got pissed and told that much of what she was saying was an outright lie and she needed to stop lying to herself and others.
That I'm AT the hotel because she asked me to. And, didn't stay home after an invite because she expressed discomfort / stress over my company. And angrily told her SHE needed to take some responsibility for what SHE"S caused here.
I am especially peeved, and bemused by the accusatory phone call about how, "Your up past your bedtinme (which she seems to define as 9:30p)). Funny how you can't stay out late with ME. " and on and on.
Yet another lie she tells herself -- conveniently forgetting all the times I've been out late doing karaoke with her, or other such. Conveniently fails to register that I'm regularly up, with her, to watch the 11:00 news and weather. Not always.
Nope, she equates the occasional dozing off mid-evening with going to sleep for the night.... or other ridiculousness.
What a pain in the ass.
Today... again... the testing
Well, let's see.... got an accidental call - that was no big deal. Then, when I got back to work after lunch and a post-lunch concert, I had a VM at work about how she was sorry she'd handled my date invitation so poorly...
and how she just can't really spend time like that with me like that right now -- too uncomfortable for her... turns out, she says, after yesterday she's quite stressed out -- lump in throat, pit of stomach (happens regularly now). Supposes she's just gunshy and unable to feel much trust toward me, etc....
Then, @ 3:30 I got the text: "If U want 2 save the $ U can sleep here tonight. makes no difference 2 me"
I very politely declined.... and I suppose it DID make a difference that I decline.... because, the response was,
"Then we have Sunday 2 do whatever taling U want 2 do or not. I'm not planning 2 B around much longer after that given the way things are now."
followed by, "I have no purpose in life. U don't want me & I have no other commitments thus no purpose 4 being thus no reason 2 B here anymore." (I wonder what she supposes the "purpose" of a mother, even of grown children, is....)
Anyway, that sounded mildly self-harmful, so I sent, "Perhaps U s/contact your T. U sound as if U R considering harming yourself"
M reply, "Nope, wrong again. Just leaving. I'm tired of sitting around here alone. this house has become myh prison so I need to 'break out'.
My reply, "Fair enough & if U feel imprisoned, U certainly s/do something about it".
Now, the reply from her, "do U ever exhibit any emotions? or do you just not care? or will my leaving be exactly what U have been working toward 4 the past years? I really have no idea. what I do know is that it seems to make no difference to you whatsoever. guess I've overstayed my welcome by some."
Followed minutes later by, "U might have the decency 2 show some acknowledgement of all that I have done 4 U & your family. guess that's not important & certianly beyond your ken. thx a lot"
(this sounds like she's probably taken Xanax and or Valium and probably drinking -- wine, I'd bet. )
I sent, "I really w/prefer 2 have relationship talks FTF. & I have repeatedly expressed my gratitude 2 U for all & will always B graetful."
She texted, "I try reaching out 2 U U all I ever get is smacked back down, ignored, or invalidated. how fun is that for me, do you suppose?"
M, (maybe in reply to the FTF discussion bit,) "and that would be exactly when? which day of which month of which year will that happen?"
(gosh, I thought we set Sunday for it already.... )
As I was writing a reply, my phone rang, as she wanted to inform me that she'd turned her phone off so "end of discussion"....
Regardless, of that I sent: "guess I don't know how 2 reconcile hyour VM @ work about not being comfortable being around me, stressed out from being around me..... with your invite 2 B home 2night..... & (your) feeling rejected by my reluctance"
I hate that she's moved into this state of mind, but I couldn't have stopped it, I'm sure. And, like as not, it would have become very difficult at home tonight if I were there.
Saturday night and Sunday will be quite enough, thanks....
Postscript: Guess she couldn't leave her phone off, because she replied to my last message (about not being able to reconcile the stuff...) with, "that's why YOU have a therapist, I think."
Uh.... OK... well, I already know how my T will react to all this. Oh, and this would be the T that M absolutely detests, having convinced herself that my T is encouraging me to leave, etc.... Little does she realize that my T has had to be very patient with me as I've worked through educating myself on MY issues, MY make-up, and got comfortable with a pathway and a timetable.... she's simply supported ME, not so much suggested a definite direction or course of action....
and how she just can't really spend time like that with me like that right now -- too uncomfortable for her... turns out, she says, after yesterday she's quite stressed out -- lump in throat, pit of stomach (happens regularly now). Supposes she's just gunshy and unable to feel much trust toward me, etc....
Then, @ 3:30 I got the text: "If U want 2 save the $ U can sleep here tonight. makes no difference 2 me"
I very politely declined.... and I suppose it DID make a difference that I decline.... because, the response was,
"Then we have Sunday 2 do whatever taling U want 2 do or not. I'm not planning 2 B around much longer after that given the way things are now."
followed by, "I have no purpose in life. U don't want me & I have no other commitments thus no purpose 4 being thus no reason 2 B here anymore." (I wonder what she supposes the "purpose" of a mother, even of grown children, is....)
Anyway, that sounded mildly self-harmful, so I sent, "Perhaps U s/contact your T. U sound as if U R considering harming yourself"
M reply, "Nope, wrong again. Just leaving. I'm tired of sitting around here alone. this house has become myh prison so I need to 'break out'.
My reply, "Fair enough & if U feel imprisoned, U certainly s/do something about it".
Now, the reply from her, "do U ever exhibit any emotions? or do you just not care? or will my leaving be exactly what U have been working toward 4 the past years? I really have no idea. what I do know is that it seems to make no difference to you whatsoever. guess I've overstayed my welcome by some."
Followed minutes later by, "U might have the decency 2 show some acknowledgement of all that I have done 4 U & your family. guess that's not important & certianly beyond your ken. thx a lot"
(this sounds like she's probably taken Xanax and or Valium and probably drinking -- wine, I'd bet. )
I sent, "I really w/prefer 2 have relationship talks FTF. & I have repeatedly expressed my gratitude 2 U for all & will always B graetful."
She texted, "I try reaching out 2 U U all I ever get is smacked back down, ignored, or invalidated. how fun is that for me, do you suppose?"
M, (maybe in reply to the FTF discussion bit,) "and that would be exactly when? which day of which month of which year will that happen?"
(gosh, I thought we set Sunday for it already.... )
As I was writing a reply, my phone rang, as she wanted to inform me that she'd turned her phone off so "end of discussion"....
Regardless, of that I sent: "guess I don't know how 2 reconcile hyour VM @ work about not being comfortable being around me, stressed out from being around me..... with your invite 2 B home 2night..... & (your) feeling rejected by my reluctance"
I hate that she's moved into this state of mind, but I couldn't have stopped it, I'm sure. And, like as not, it would have become very difficult at home tonight if I were there.
Saturday night and Sunday will be quite enough, thanks....
Postscript: Guess she couldn't leave her phone off, because she replied to my last message (about not being able to reconcile the stuff...) with, "that's why YOU have a therapist, I think."
Uh.... OK... well, I already know how my T will react to all this. Oh, and this would be the T that M absolutely detests, having convinced herself that my T is encouraging me to leave, etc.... Little does she realize that my T has had to be very patient with me as I've worked through educating myself on MY issues, MY make-up, and got comfortable with a pathway and a timetable.... she's simply supported ME, not so much suggested a definite direction or course of action....
Last night
Went OK. Not great. But OK. Civil. Not friendly. Seemingly, not strained or too troubled....
A bit confusing when as we walked to the parking lot after dinner, she invited me to her hotel.... apparently, just for company / companionship (although, it's hard to know for certain what her purpose was -- may very well have been the typical "test"). Of course, I accepted, as I don't knowingly reject her....
Oh, and I invited her on a Friday night date, but she turned it down due to it being "community theatre..." sneer.... Yipe!!
Sat and watched TV on opposite ends of the couch (she was staying in a suite hotel, for pete's sake. What's with that!!?? Anyway, some snowy / slippery weather came in and she suggested I might drive her all-wheel drive car home, get my stuff for the rest of the week (remember, she asked me to check in early at my work-hotel) and come back to the room.... "Shorter commute in the a.m. for you..."
Couldn't tell what else was going on. Again, maybe testing her safety ? in some manner.... entertaining faint hope of fixing the relationship or something. Who knows. Anyway, I took up the offer. We slept on far sides of the king bed.... I didn't sleep too well -- the ole hypervigilance. But, no conflict, and none this a.m.
Of course, there is TODAY....
A bit confusing when as we walked to the parking lot after dinner, she invited me to her hotel.... apparently, just for company / companionship (although, it's hard to know for certain what her purpose was -- may very well have been the typical "test"). Of course, I accepted, as I don't knowingly reject her....
Oh, and I invited her on a Friday night date, but she turned it down due to it being "community theatre..." sneer.... Yipe!!
Sat and watched TV on opposite ends of the couch (she was staying in a suite hotel, for pete's sake. What's with that!!?? Anyway, some snowy / slippery weather came in and she suggested I might drive her all-wheel drive car home, get my stuff for the rest of the week (remember, she asked me to check in early at my work-hotel) and come back to the room.... "Shorter commute in the a.m. for you..."
Couldn't tell what else was going on. Again, maybe testing her safety ? in some manner.... entertaining faint hope of fixing the relationship or something. Who knows. Anyway, I took up the offer. We slept on far sides of the king bed.... I didn't sleep too well -- the ole hypervigilance. But, no conflict, and none this a.m.
Of course, there is TODAY....
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
A little bit of dread
all through today.... I'm dutifully waiting for a post-doctor appt phone call to see if she still wants to get together for awhile before I go home (dinner or whatever).
Frankly, I've been apprehensive about it all day. Didn't help when I saw a cheap flight deal to get her away while I'm next quite busy (which ticks her off). Of course, I decided I should contact her to let her know about it....
So, I texted her. She called back.... sounded like she hadn't slept well.... sounded down and troubled.... But, I can't fix that..... she's got to find a way to handle HER emotions. Not my job to fix her feelings....
Well, she gets to go back to the house tomorrow.... One of the things she asked me yesterday afternoon when she was grinding on me a bit on the phone was to make arrangements to check in a day early for my meetings this week (organization provides hotel accommodations for certain committees, etc. So I did. That means once I leave tomorrow, I'm not back until Saturday.... A rest, perhaps, for both of us.
Meanwhile, she just called as I was typing this. Going to go meet her for dinner. When this came up last night by text, (She texted, "Would you like to meet me tomorrow night or at least see me for awhile...??" I suggested dinner, but also asked, "for fun & company, or for serious subject matter or both or neither?"
Her reply was, "Just to see one another. I'm not likely to feel up to seriousness & maybe nothing much at adll, depending how I feel."
So, off I go.... and we'll see just how light and carefree we keep it (won't change for that aspect on my part).
Oh, and this should surprise her. I just found out there's a community theatre musical that my schedule is free to go to Friday night. Might as well "invite her on a date...." She's been craving such....
Maybe I can keep her negativity at bay a few more days.....
Frankly, I've been apprehensive about it all day. Didn't help when I saw a cheap flight deal to get her away while I'm next quite busy (which ticks her off). Of course, I decided I should contact her to let her know about it....
So, I texted her. She called back.... sounded like she hadn't slept well.... sounded down and troubled.... But, I can't fix that..... she's got to find a way to handle HER emotions. Not my job to fix her feelings....
Well, she gets to go back to the house tomorrow.... One of the things she asked me yesterday afternoon when she was grinding on me a bit on the phone was to make arrangements to check in a day early for my meetings this week (organization provides hotel accommodations for certain committees, etc. So I did. That means once I leave tomorrow, I'm not back until Saturday.... A rest, perhaps, for both of us.
Meanwhile, she just called as I was typing this. Going to go meet her for dinner. When this came up last night by text, (She texted, "Would you like to meet me tomorrow night or at least see me for awhile...??" I suggested dinner, but also asked, "for fun & company, or for serious subject matter or both or neither?"
Her reply was, "Just to see one another. I'm not likely to feel up to seriousness & maybe nothing much at adll, depending how I feel."
So, off I go.... and we'll see just how light and carefree we keep it (won't change for that aspect on my part).
Oh, and this should surprise her. I just found out there's a community theatre musical that my schedule is free to go to Friday night. Might as well "invite her on a date...." She's been craving such....
Maybe I can keep her negativity at bay a few more days.....
Monday, March 5, 2007
Probably about time
to move on to the next phase. I'm seeing little choice and little likelihood of changing things for the better. I think we need to be independent of one another, and get together perhaps now and then with less baggage.... IF that's possible.
A week or so ago, she said she thought we'd ought to make March 29 our official "quitting day".
I've thinking, no matter what the day might be, we'd ought to call in our "independence day".
neither of us has ever been substantially on our own.....
It's probably about time.
A week or so ago, she said she thought we'd ought to make March 29 our official "quitting day".
I've thinking, no matter what the day might be, we'd ought to call in our "independence day".
neither of us has ever been substantially on our own.....
It's probably about time.
What a day
M left had left the house so as not to be home when I got home. Left me a note:
"As you told me when you left -- see you in a few days"
She went incommunicado pretty much with her son and her sis. Finally surfaced with them during the day, and with me late in the p.m..
Mind you, I flew home on a red-eye this a.m.. I've had a few hours of sleep at the point that she called.... and she seemed to want to get into "the stuff between us" (not a quote). Anyway, I refused to rise to the bait and carefully, politely said if she wanted to talk seriously, it needed to wait until I'd had some sleep and rest. Otherwise, I could not guarantee staying on an even keel and constructive if we pursued the discussion at that point..... (late in the p.m.).
She wanted to push me on MY need to compromise and change and all that. Sounded like she's close to laying out some kind of ultimatum (staying away until we straighten some things out.... etc, etc).
She finally quit pressing it....
Been peaceful since.... I have sorted mail, paid bills, did my laundry.
Then, about 1/2 hour ago she called and then started texting.... She'd started missing me... more civil interchange.....
We have a date-like possibility for after work tomorrow.... We'll see.
"As you told me when you left -- see you in a few days"
She went incommunicado pretty much with her son and her sis. Finally surfaced with them during the day, and with me late in the p.m..
Mind you, I flew home on a red-eye this a.m.. I've had a few hours of sleep at the point that she called.... and she seemed to want to get into "the stuff between us" (not a quote). Anyway, I refused to rise to the bait and carefully, politely said if she wanted to talk seriously, it needed to wait until I'd had some sleep and rest. Otherwise, I could not guarantee staying on an even keel and constructive if we pursued the discussion at that point..... (late in the p.m.).
She wanted to push me on MY need to compromise and change and all that. Sounded like she's close to laying out some kind of ultimatum (staying away until we straighten some things out.... etc, etc).
She finally quit pressing it....
Been peaceful since.... I have sorted mail, paid bills, did my laundry.
Then, about 1/2 hour ago she called and then started texting.... She'd started missing me... more civil interchange.....
We have a date-like possibility for after work tomorrow.... We'll see.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Headed home soon... sigh
I called and left appropriately friendly messages on M's VM and on the machine at home. Didn't hear a thing back.
Sigh....
Headed back on a red-eye tonight.
Started to read the rest of her Dr Phil stuff -- the "deep sharing" of her partner profile and needs. It will be educational, but I'm afraid all it's going to tell me is how broad the gap between her needs and my ability to meet them, and meet my own, has become.
Sigh....
Headed back on a red-eye tonight.
Started to read the rest of her Dr Phil stuff -- the "deep sharing" of her partner profile and needs. It will be educational, but I'm afraid all it's going to tell me is how broad the gap between her needs and my ability to meet them, and meet my own, has become.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Last night's VMs
weren't bad. I hated to turn my phone on.... but I did.
Both clearly showed the effects of alcohol, pills, and fatigue or whatever.... slower, slight slur to the speech....
There was one about how nice it wsa to take a warm shower....
the other was that she was watchng a TV show where one character said to the other, "You haven't had a date in 3 months"..... then went on to say, "When was the last time WE had a date. I don't remember. Maybe you do. I think it's been more than 3 months....." and a little more along that line.
She wants the days of wine and roses.... Not likely anymore
Both clearly showed the effects of alcohol, pills, and fatigue or whatever.... slower, slight slur to the speech....
There was one about how nice it wsa to take a warm shower....
the other was that she was watchng a TV show where one character said to the other, "You haven't had a date in 3 months"..... then went on to say, "When was the last time WE had a date. I don't remember. Maybe you do. I think it's been more than 3 months....." and a little more along that line.
She wants the days of wine and roses.... Not likely anymore
worse and worse
M's really kicked up a bitter, bitter fuss about my schedule of late. Late Feb and March is always like this. And, I'm frustrated as I talk with old friends that for me, despite feeling like I do all that I can to be at home, with her, as much as possible, it's just not enough.
Yet, I feel as if over the years, I've focused SO MUCH on her and her needs, I've neglected my own and my own needs.
I don't have the contact with my brothers I want to. Nor my sons, nor my granddaugher, nor my parents..... nor friends.....
Yet it's not enough.
I have a local theatre group auditioning for 1776 soon -- something I'd consider.... But, I know she can't accept that.
And job demands are going to get worse for awhile, not better.... She wants comprormise, but the compromise she's looking for would further reduce how well I'm doing my job. That cannot happen.
It's plain as day that I cannot have a life of my own, I cannot have a healthy body, whole psyche, and a life full of vitality and continue like this.
I hate sayng this, but it looks like "it's time".
Yet, I feel as if over the years, I've focused SO MUCH on her and her needs, I've neglected my own and my own needs.
I don't have the contact with my brothers I want to. Nor my sons, nor my granddaugher, nor my parents..... nor friends.....
Yet it's not enough.
I have a local theatre group auditioning for 1776 soon -- something I'd consider.... But, I know she can't accept that.
And job demands are going to get worse for awhile, not better.... She wants comprormise, but the compromise she's looking for would further reduce how well I'm doing my job. That cannot happen.
It's plain as day that I cannot have a life of my own, I cannot have a healthy body, whole psyche, and a life full of vitality and continue like this.
I hate sayng this, but it looks like "it's time".
Wish I was sleeping
wrote this up at about 6:30 this a.m.....
Well, this is frustrating. Kinda. But not surprising. Went to bed local time by about midnight. That would be 3 a.m. EST. But, only slept about 5 hours. Woke up by 5 a.m., (8 a.m. my time). I guess that it's good my body clock isn't resetting too much....
But it's frustrating. I need more sleep that this.... So, why aren't I sleeping. Even though an hour or so before I quit trying, I took 2 valerian capsules......????
Too much noise in my head. M has pitched SO MUCH guilt and shame at me and so much that it's rattling around in my head and psyche. Frustratingly, I was unable to shed it and screen out the noise this a.m.. So far, anyway.
I don't want to turn on my phone, for avoidance purposes. I really don't want more tortured voicemails and textmails. I don't really want to call her and have more confrontational, hurt and hurtful words.
And, the thing is, what she's done whether she realizes it or not is makes things far, far worse. I had ought go be having a little contemplative time, some engaged time, some social time.
Not much contemplative time at this point. I've done none of the further reading she would like me to. (Like finishing the Dr Phil foolish book and the couples oriented Mars/Venus book). And social time has become as much as anything being with people to drown out the noise.
Funny thing right now is that right now I'm watching a Biography channel show about Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- M's most favorite show.... One I enjoyed as well.
Well, this is frustrating. Kinda. But not surprising. Went to bed local time by about midnight. That would be 3 a.m. EST. But, only slept about 5 hours. Woke up by 5 a.m., (8 a.m. my time). I guess that it's good my body clock isn't resetting too much....
But it's frustrating. I need more sleep that this.... So, why aren't I sleeping. Even though an hour or so before I quit trying, I took 2 valerian capsules......????
Too much noise in my head. M has pitched SO MUCH guilt and shame at me and so much that it's rattling around in my head and psyche. Frustratingly, I was unable to shed it and screen out the noise this a.m.. So far, anyway.
I don't want to turn on my phone, for avoidance purposes. I really don't want more tortured voicemails and textmails. I don't really want to call her and have more confrontational, hurt and hurtful words.
And, the thing is, what she's done whether she realizes it or not is makes things far, far worse. I had ought go be having a little contemplative time, some engaged time, some social time.
Not much contemplative time at this point. I've done none of the further reading she would like me to. (Like finishing the Dr Phil foolish book and the couples oriented Mars/Venus book). And social time has become as much as anything being with people to drown out the noise.
Funny thing right now is that right now I'm watching a Biography channel show about Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- M's most favorite show.... One I enjoyed as well.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Damn kid
So, I am pretty irked at the kid. She says he was busy and didn't need to be bothered, and she didn't want him to spend the trip and time....
I'm disappointed that he told me yes, and then didn't comply....
She says "He didn't want you to be mad at him..."
yeah, right.
Reality is he doesn't have the fortitude to go and face his mother when she's dysphoric.
She said she was crying so hard on the phone with him that he couldn't understand her....
What kind of kid DOESN'T go on out to his mother's when that happens....
The scars of childhood are what they are, but come on. Buck it up and put it aside for something like this.....
In fact, as I think about it, it's really quite tragic that even though I called him Thursday before noon and told him that I really thought since his mom had gotten into such a bad state of mind, and aggravated from the power outage, and such.... that it would be really kind of him to run out there after work to check on her and engage her a bit.
Again, he agreed.... then, made or kept other plans.
I've always had issues with this kid not keeping his word, agreeing, etc, etc. and then doing what he pleases....
damn, damn kid.
I'm disappointed that he told me yes, and then didn't comply....
She says "He didn't want you to be mad at him..."
yeah, right.
Reality is he doesn't have the fortitude to go and face his mother when she's dysphoric.
She said she was crying so hard on the phone with him that he couldn't understand her....
What kind of kid DOESN'T go on out to his mother's when that happens....
The scars of childhood are what they are, but come on. Buck it up and put it aside for something like this.....
In fact, as I think about it, it's really quite tragic that even though I called him Thursday before noon and told him that I really thought since his mom had gotten into such a bad state of mind, and aggravated from the power outage, and such.... that it would be really kind of him to run out there after work to check on her and engage her a bit.
Again, he agreed.... then, made or kept other plans.
I've always had issues with this kid not keeping his word, agreeing, etc, etc. and then doing what he pleases....
damn, damn kid.
Round and round
So, we went round and round this a.m.... nice start to my day.
When she was finally on the phone, she was deep into, "I needed your help LAST night, now I don't....."
Then did the usual plowing of old ground. Aggravated over "NOT being invited to this conference"
(which is contrary to what I feel is the case).
I have explained my "conference" issue over and over, trying to help her understand that it was not rejecting (but still she feels rejected).... AND as far as THIS conference, I thought we HAD resolved it and agreed that the airfare cost was too high....
She kept insisting that I hadn't invited her, so she didn't feel welcome... yadayadayada
The irony is, she probably wouldn't be enjoying this. The weather is colder, sunny, but colder than one wants to have when visiting CA. The hotel is a $20 cab ride to anywhere interesting. She wouldn't be liking it.... Although, I suppose we would have rented a car. Still, she's not nearly as good about entertaining herself and driving about in a strange city as she things she is.
What else...
Oh yeah, it's ME that's too busy, doesn't engage her, doesn't want to be around her, ignores her, on and on and it's ME that's "changed" over the last couple years....
Well, she might be right, but not for the reasons she thinks. I am worn out and weary and I know I need to move onward in life for my own well being.
When she was finally on the phone, she was deep into, "I needed your help LAST night, now I don't....."
Then did the usual plowing of old ground. Aggravated over "NOT being invited to this conference"
(which is contrary to what I feel is the case).
I have explained my "conference" issue over and over, trying to help her understand that it was not rejecting (but still she feels rejected).... AND as far as THIS conference, I thought we HAD resolved it and agreed that the airfare cost was too high....
She kept insisting that I hadn't invited her, so she didn't feel welcome... yadayadayada
The irony is, she probably wouldn't be enjoying this. The weather is colder, sunny, but colder than one wants to have when visiting CA. The hotel is a $20 cab ride to anywhere interesting. She wouldn't be liking it.... Although, I suppose we would have rented a car. Still, she's not nearly as good about entertaining herself and driving about in a strange city as she things she is.
What else...
Oh yeah, it's ME that's too busy, doesn't engage her, doesn't want to be around her, ignores her, on and on and it's ME that's "changed" over the last couple years....
Well, she might be right, but not for the reasons she thinks. I am worn out and weary and I know I need to move onward in life for my own well being.
And so the sh** flies
Yup. No more than in San XX CA than stuff starts hitting the fan at home. Ice storm, power outage. Inconvenient for most people, tragic for M. Major major issues over it.
Then the pilot light blows out on the gas water heater. Got lots of distressed, increasingly hostile, frustrated VM and txt messages. I finally took a call, and apparently (to her), was ungracious when I asked why she needed a flashlight... I understood needing a lighter. And having trouble because of her hands.... But the flashlight thing didn't make sense - -not to mention, she has flashlights stashed, and has apparently forgotten where. SIGH.....
Just posing the question made her mad. When I did try to call again to assist as I could, she didn't answer. I thought I'd just get more grievous messages, so I called her son who is in town and asked him to run out and light the pilot light. He agreed.....
Shut my phone off for a awhile, then turned it on... got more aggravated messages..... Clearly melting down worse and worse.....
So, I called the boy again. Getting later.... NO, he hadn't gone out. SHE told him not to bother.... etc, etc, etc. I said, would you PLEASE run out there (I was feeling pretty aggravated at this point). Again, he agreed.....
THEN, apparently called him mother again, instead of doing what he agreed to when I talked with him.
M now gives me all this grief over putting HIM in the middle, etc, etc.... How UNreasonable it was for me to expect that of him.... etc, etc.
All about how much she aggravated her hands.... on and on.
AND, after it's all said and done, she didn't let him come out, and she didn't get it lit....
and she's headed to a hotel.
whatever.
Then the pilot light blows out on the gas water heater. Got lots of distressed, increasingly hostile, frustrated VM and txt messages. I finally took a call, and apparently (to her), was ungracious when I asked why she needed a flashlight... I understood needing a lighter. And having trouble because of her hands.... But the flashlight thing didn't make sense - -not to mention, she has flashlights stashed, and has apparently forgotten where. SIGH.....
Just posing the question made her mad. When I did try to call again to assist as I could, she didn't answer. I thought I'd just get more grievous messages, so I called her son who is in town and asked him to run out and light the pilot light. He agreed.....
Shut my phone off for a awhile, then turned it on... got more aggravated messages..... Clearly melting down worse and worse.....
So, I called the boy again. Getting later.... NO, he hadn't gone out. SHE told him not to bother.... etc, etc, etc. I said, would you PLEASE run out there (I was feeling pretty aggravated at this point). Again, he agreed.....
THEN, apparently called him mother again, instead of doing what he agreed to when I talked with him.
M now gives me all this grief over putting HIM in the middle, etc, etc.... How UNreasonable it was for me to expect that of him.... etc, etc.
All about how much she aggravated her hands.... on and on.
AND, after it's all said and done, she didn't let him come out, and she didn't get it lit....
and she's headed to a hotel.
whatever.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
She's well into the poor me....
(catching up a bit).
I wasn't 5 minutes up the road last night when I got this text message from her:
(this was a little bit after I expressed that I really didn't understand why she was being so hostile and nasty)
Text:
Hostile? no
Deeply hurt? yes
Unbearably sad? yes
Incredibly disillusioned? yes
Disappointed? yes
Completely broken hearted? YES
Drive safely
20 minutes later, she was calling, somewhat civil, a bit worried about what the roads might be getting to be like, and that I might be delayed in getting out in the a.m..
TODAY, I've received half dozen text messages, all boiling down to her not feeling cared enough for, my not being home enough.... on and on, and a number of VM calls as well.
Those are a bit more understandable, as some icy weather resulted in a power outage for awhile -- so that was an "outrage" on top of all the other lousy feelings she's having.
I wasn't 5 minutes up the road last night when I got this text message from her:
(this was a little bit after I expressed that I really didn't understand why she was being so hostile and nasty)
Text:
Hostile? no
Deeply hurt? yes
Unbearably sad? yes
Incredibly disillusioned? yes
Disappointed? yes
Completely broken hearted? YES
Drive safely
20 minutes later, she was calling, somewhat civil, a bit worried about what the roads might be getting to be like, and that I might be delayed in getting out in the a.m..
TODAY, I've received half dozen text messages, all boiling down to her not feeling cared enough for, my not being home enough.... on and on, and a number of VM calls as well.
Those are a bit more understandable, as some icy weather resulted in a power outage for awhile -- so that was an "outrage" on top of all the other lousy feelings she's having.
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