Wish I was sleeping

wrote this up at about 6:30 this a.m.....

Well, this is frustrating. Kinda. But not surprising. Went to bed local time by about midnight. That would be 3 a.m. EST. But, only slept about 5 hours. Woke up by 5 a.m., (8 a.m. my time). I guess that it's good my body clock isn't resetting too much....

But it's frustrating. I need more sleep that this.... So, why aren't I sleeping. Even though an hour or so before I quit trying, I took 2 valerian capsules......????

Too much noise in my head. M has pitched SO MUCH guilt and shame at me and so much that it's rattling around in my head and psyche. Frustratingly, I was unable to shed it and screen out the noise this a.m.. So far, anyway.

I don't want to turn on my phone, for avoidance purposes. I really don't want more tortured voicemails and textmails. I don't really want to call her and have more confrontational, hurt and hurtful words.

And, the thing is, what she's done whether she realizes it or not is makes things far, far worse. I had ought go be having a little contemplative time, some engaged time, some social time.

Not much contemplative time at this point. I've done none of the further reading she would like me to. (Like finishing the Dr Phil foolish book and the couples oriented Mars/Venus book). And social time has become as much as anything being with people to drown out the noise.

Funny thing right now is that right now I'm watching a Biography channel show about Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- M's most favorite show.... One I enjoyed as well.