sick and sad

she's heartsick, bodily sick, deeply sad.... assuming we're over, and in many ways, we are, no doubt.

She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."

Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.

Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.

One I have to find my cure for.

As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....

At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"

She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).

I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.