One of the worst days, ever, she said

Up until she started on the wine (or whine ) the day went OK -- at least without incident. I do have to admit to wondering when the shoe would drop -- no way would we be home long, a few days before my parents are to arrive -- no way would she not get herself into a bad state.

Well, she was civil enough over the course of the day. We both puttered away at things -- she at laundry in particular. Me at some cleaning and some yard stuff. Took the mid-day to go out and have (pleasant) coffee and do a little grocery shopping. All good.

But... my spider sense kept tingling just a little.

We put the first Harry Potter movie on at about 10:00 p to watch, and start to review for the new movie coming up. But, she was into the wine -- and had had little to eat all day.

I had had some popcorn, then about 10:45 got a bowl of ice cream put together (I actually was also trying to stay awake / mildly energetic to be company )

However, just as I went to sit back down in front of the TV, I realized she'd taken herself out to the deck and was sitting on the step -- showing her troubled mind, if you will. I knew the routine. I have to decide whether to leave her be, or what.

Of course, being the relationship-addicted, and trauma-addicted person I am (just sort of), I had to go out to be supportive. Asked her if she was done with the movie....

Of course, first, she seemed to want to be left be, but then almost immediately started the stream of consciousness.

She'd clearly been "at war with herself all day". Really very bothered that she "has to vacate HER home so that YOUR mom will be comfortable". All that jazz.

Was bothered when most of my phone conversations with my son and my mom this a.m. took place out on the deck where she couldn't hear. Feels excluded.

"You need to just accept it that YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT LIKE ME". And, she went on several times to talk about how hard it is to cope with not being liked, and all. "Your brothers have NO use for me. Stephen didn't even recognize me " (a reference to M showing up, completely unexpected and out of context, in my brother's shoe store in tourist town we were in for a meeting.)

She has woven many disparate elements into a terrible, dystopic reality for herself.

She just can't see how she's almost constantly now putting up that choice that she fears: "if you had to choose between me or your family".

She's creating that inevitable choice point.

I am a little concerned that she may yet have foul words with my mom.

It's not that mom doesn't like her. Doesn't understand a great deal -- about M's illnesses and habits. Makes the occasional slightly unkind remark, that if I hear and recognize as such, I correct.....

But, dislike -- that is simply not the case. That reality is in M's mind. Although, I'm virtually certain that when the day comes we've moved on from this relationship, I'll get an earful or two from my mom and my brothers and my sons that tell me a greater concern / more issues with her than they now will share -- out of politeness. But, that's to be expected.

So far, OK

Still

No meltdowns.

Lots of fatigue. M's fibro has kept her pretty inactive.

My days have been long. Will go from 6 a.m. until 10 p.m. or later my meeting obligations today.

But, tomorrow is mine -- packing, a little sight-seeing, checkout, flight home. Hopefully uneventful!!

Philly so far

Well,the rest of the story from Friday past is that it was a travel day, for a conference / assembly I am to be at in Philadelphia. She badly wanted to go, and managed to collect herself well enough, and be at least civil for the travel day.

Well, she did get into my shit a little bit on the way to the airport, but I didn't get irked or bothered and responded in fairly positive form. Then, she pretty well settled down for the trip. Trip had a few airline delays, so we got in to Philly a couple hours later than we had hoped. Tired, but not really cranky with each other.

In fact, by Saturday she had shifted from civil to cordial and loving -- not unusual, by any means. BPD folk often swing just as quickly to their partner as hero as they do the other way (goat).

In fact, we've had a good time, close and loving in all good senses of the word, while we're here. Explored some key sights yesterday. She came with me to the convention center to hear a Presidential hopeful speechify.

Going well. Of course, I expect the other shoe will drop when we get back toward home....

Happy anniversary

14th today, Im told.

When I was confused about whether our affair started at work the first year I was there, 1992, or next, she corrected me with a "I didn't start fucking you right away"

(she's taken to denigrating that aspect a lot the last few months. Sometimes it's lovemaking. Sometimes, "I guess I just fucked you" or me her, or whatever)

Anyway,the anniversary bit first came up last night as she was moping and beginning the usual campaign to convince me that it's NOT time to quit the relationship. And, "14 years is a big slice of life to just throw aside."

Etc, etc.

Typical start toward trying to make nice when a BP is finally confronted with the relationship results of their acting out continually.

Always some else at fault!!

Says M, "Do you have any idea how much physical pain [due to her fibromyalgia] the stress you bring into my life causes me? Do you?"

"Do you even care? Because if you did, there are lots of things you could do...."

"I know I don't do enough..."

"that's not an answer the question I asked"

"then I don't have an answer"

"then I guess you don't care."

Philly, philly

Silly

Well, I made a point a couple hours ago of trying to make M understand that it was fine with me if she goes to Philly w/me or not. Up to her.

We've had a lot of interaction -- about that and other, usual predictable BS...

She's really pretty hung up on that I said last night, after round after round of negative engagement, that "Plainly, we need to start figuring out how to end this relationship"

So, that's haunted today and this evening's conversation, a bit....

And, I think after a couple / three beers, she started to get still more churlish... but not awful....

But, for me, I pretty well have stayed patient and civil and open. Didn't rise much to any baits.

So, NOW she says, "Well, I've decided I'm going to Philly. BUT, if you say ONE CROSS WORD to me, or if I feel compeltely ignored [or something like that], I'm GONE. "

That just makes me feel like she's 1) thinking it's a privilege (in my head) to have her along and 2) pretty much setting the scenario for a problem.

I hope I'm wrong.

Not home.... hmmmm

Well, isn't this interesting. I was home by 4:00 today, a bit early, to take care of things before going out of town for a week....

M's not here. She had some laundry in the dryer.... but she's elsewhere -- heaven knows.

At least she's not here fighting with me and acting out. That's gotten really old.

for my part, I HAVE to stop rising to the bait. I keep doing so, over and over.... got to stop!!

Just walk away... walk away

Then again,

She sent this mid-afternoon

"Oh, I forgot. After last night I expect that I am uninvited. Sorry to have bothered you about this since it is irrelevant."

I suppose she's snippy because I haven't called and fawned and all that.

Made me wonder, but I didn't jump

Got a call this a.m. at 10:30 or so, from home.

"Just wanted to say 'I love you'"

"I love you too"

"That's all, that's why I called. Bye"


Well, I was a little concerned that this was another "goodbye forever" phone call in advance of a drug overdose or worse.... But, didn't feel as if it were appropriate for me to drop everything and run home (20 miles trip). So, I left it be. Figured to deal with what I must when I do get home.


Anyway, I felt a little better when about an hour and a quarter later, she emailed me to see when we are to leave for Philadephia tomorrow..... "What's our itinerary tomorrow?"

I figured that was at least a sign of no serious self-harm.

Sigh.

Don't you know?

The meltdown got led into after she'd had numerous beers, and who knows just which meds in her system. She'd continued to conflict with me and escalate / settle down.... Wouldn't quit no matter the lateness of the hour....

Then, momentarily, she started to talk again about last year and how hard that was and what a trauma it was to have my elderly father nearly crawl into bed with her....

She said, "Don't you understand? I'm afraid of your father."

Now, you have to understand that while I recall a younger father who was occasionally temperamental -- never abusive -- all she's ever known from this man is a gentleness of spirit and goodwill.


I was starting to understand that this was coming from some deeper, awful place.... and asked her if this fear was since then, or from before.

And she said, "it just takes me back to.... " and then she was inconsolable. Insisted I leave the room....

It appeared that a flood of sexual abuse memories intruded.

Mind you, she has never dealt with that stuff, as far as I know, with her T.

She wanted left alone. Stormed, raged, cried, sobbed. Mixed message with the doors. Locked one, left the other open.

About midnight I finally looked in on her and tried to finish talking her down, as she'd gotten calmer.

She spoke of sleeping under her bed so she mightn't be found.

She wondered why no one protected her..... why no one loved her.... and so on.

"Is it any wonder I'm so angry?" "I'm sorry to be angry so much... I know it's hard to deal with..."

But, she didn't want me near. I stayed in the doorway.


Earlier in the row, I'd finally made the statement that it was plain to me we do need to start talking about how to end this relationship.

"Yeah, thanks to YOUR mommy."

That didn't go far with me.

Anyway, suddenly, she briefly collected herself and started reprocessing that. Said, "OK, I am going to need to get myself out. Give me a date. Tell me when I have to be out of here."

Of course, I said, "not at 12:30 at night. That's not a further conversation to have."
(beside the fact that there isn't a good way to know whether she is in a dissociative state.... after all the conflict and upset and trauma....)

I was finally able to withdraw to the guest room and go to sleep.... but, I heard her mumbling about how she still didn't have a date by which to be out.... I ignored it, went to the guest bed and went to sleep.

Major meltdown -- sexual abuse flashback

She kept going round, picking fights, escalating. We went round and round...

But, strangely, at a point, she simmered down some... and then started in about how terribly traumatic it was last year when my elderly, confused father, middle of the night, nearly crawled into bed with her....

She said, "you'll never know what a trauma that was.... because...."

and suddenly, melted down completely.

Apparently some kind of flashback to episodes of sexual abuse from her childhood.,


Of course, before long she was blaming me for these terrible memories coming to the fore.

Crying uncontrollably. Saying awful things.

Meltdown.

She almost killed her cat today

Weird realities she can create.

She was already irritated with me, but was out on our front porch (we live in the country) and saw a tiny fawn come out.

She opened the door and called out to me to "Quick, look out the side window right now!!"

I said,"Which side window?" which she's since informed me she didn't understand the stupidity of....


Anyway, it irritated her further I guess, so she went to firmly shut / slam the front door, JUST as HER cat was trying to go out.

Clobbered him but good. I saw it happen, but didn't accurately track whether the cat went on out, or not.

Here's where it gets interesting. M INSISTED that the cat had leapt across the perennial garden and streaked into the woods.... probably terrbly hurt.

I want and started calling for him -- which she thought was idiotic.... Then, I went to change into long pants / long sleeve shirt to go into the woods.... So did she.

We looked and called for more than an hour. Then, I went in to wash up.... M's crying and mourning....

I'd kept wondering if the cat had truly gone out (since a BP can have some wild imagination when under stress).

So, on my way to wash, I looked under our headboard..,. low and beholdk here's the cat -- upset, still, about what happened... but just doing what a cat does -- hunkered down and not calling out....

Anyway, M is completely mystified as to how the cat ever got back in the house (did you teleport??). I don't think he went out -- I think he backed up and streaked upstairs and neither of us registered it.

I think her stress levels went up so much, that she imagined what she insists she saw. I think the cat "streaking into the woods" was essentially a hallucination, strees0-induced.

Anyway, M cannot figure out how the cat could have gotten himself back in....

But, it's not of any use to challenge such "memories" of an event that a BP person has....

T today

said she thinks M should take herself elsewhere if it's that difficult to be around my folks.

Says that if my folks have always visited in the summer, it's unrealistic for her to expect them to change to a Fall visit.

Encouraged me to just say things like, "I am not going to discuss my parents visit anymore!"

Didn't have much perspective on M's questions for my T and I to think about...

which infuriates M, of course.

Her suggestion for subjects today with MY T

What are realistic expectations (that I should have) in this situation?

and why isit not OK for M to set boundaries?
IE:
* she was not consulted about the plans
* has "no recourse" but to stay / accept the plans
* she's "stuck" with this
* she can't be here; but that's NOT OK


Oh, and lastly, I did ask her in one of the phone conversations if she'd managed to keep HER T appt this week. She said yes.

Round and round until

this a.m. round and round in a couple phone calls.

She "just doesn't know what to do in this situation"

I said one way would be to sublease something, relatively inexpensive for either her, or for my folks and me. She didn't like the idea that she'd "busted my ass on cleaning, hurt my hand, given up my PT, and then your folks wouldn't be here?"

She's plainly figured out that traveling and staying in Steamboat and the like is pretty pricy.

We finally gave up on that call as I got increasingly aggravated.

Half hour or so later, she called and said, "Here's my proposal. I can't get past the money. There are lots of OTHER things I'd rather spend money on that being elsewhere. But I can't be there when your parents are around / active. So, when they're there, and you're not, I'll be elsewhere. And, I ask that YOU do YOUR part by being home as much as you can when they're around."

I assured her that I will be, every evening possible.

She's not satisfied, but it's as far as we can go to "fix this mess".

She could try NOT making herself so crazy.

Last night; this a.m. so far

Last night she did leave her note in my sink -- I never turned the light on when I came up, so it got wet. I found it later, in the dark, when my eyes were adjusted. Set it out to dry.

This a.m., she got up first, and put it back in my sink.... don't know why she supposes I wouldn't see it otherwise....

Just says, "I need more infoin order to successfully navigage this ound of negotiaions [a work reference)](& sort of participatein your life). Today our calendar indicates a 5:5 p neg comm-- something or other. When you leftthis a.m. you reminded me that you woul dbe home late (again) tonight. What I need is you very best estimate regarding how late is late. Sorty I really have no idea. Monday I simploy got tired of waaiting so I went to sleep. I need a bit more info than it appears you can or will provide. P.S.I still need moreinformation regardnig when K (grand-daughter) dearts & what your prents are doing after that and before their appt in [small home town]. I've asked this atleast 3-4 time and I still have no more info than I did a few weeks ago. It makes it extremely difficulty to make plns for myself."


Unfortunately for her, some of these plans are and will be fluid.... Too bad, don't know what to tell her.

It took me a day to have an email exchange w/ mom to get specifics on appts. Mom's radar went up, and she started wondering if I'm getting a hard time over the visit. I left that alone.

Hmmmmm

Well, she went to Ikea and such with her sis. I can tell by some purchases laying around.

And Trader Joe's (more wine -- there's a good idea)

I had my other late night this week, got home at 8:30 p

She was on the phone, I think maybe to her sis. I said hello.... Not even a wave.

She left the master BR as I went and changed, and finished her conversation on the front porch.

Meanwhile, I noticed a note she'd started to scrawl -- hard to read... kind of packed together writing....

I just glanced at it -- saw some complaint about not knowing when I'd be home.... about needing to know the rest of the schedule for my folks and my grand-daughter's visit so she can make her own plans.... Yadayadayada.

Mind you, a day or so ago, when I mentioned my schedule and the two late evenings, she said, "well, I just figure you're home when you're home..." Of course, I DO know that she prefers to have estimated times.... even though she gets pissy when I am wrong, and later than expected.

But, frankly, after this weekend, I'm not so into doing exactly what she wants.

Anyway, she finished her phone conversation, headed into the garage for a bottle of water, and as she came back through, noticed the paperwork I'd left for her -- with the additional schedule info she's so desperately craving....

And, I said, "I think that I've got all the info you wanted now..." or something to that effect.

No reaction... Just headed back upstairs. Whatever.

I just hung on the deck reading where it's cooler. Mosquitoes just drove me inside, though.

Meanwhile, I am happy to say, the bedroom light and tv are off -- so it appears she's trying to go to sleep -- or, more likely, has drugged herself to sleep.

That's kind of terrible to have to say -- but it's the truth as I've known it.

Me, I'm pretty fatigued myself. Bad times over the weekend. Bad sleeping situation Sunday night. My own trouble getting tired / sleepy last night....

But, I don't really want ot head up until I'm pretty certain she's "out" and that I'm going to fall asleep almost immediately....

Today, so far

She was awake this a.m. when I left and allowed for a "normal" cordial goodbye kiss.

I reminded her that I had a meeting tonight from 5:30 until 7:30 or so, and she just shrugged that off.

She may have gone to the big city with her Sis today, but I don't know.

I haven't tried to call her, I'm too tired this p.m. and I don't need any drama.

For my part, I had a hard time settling down last night -- partly from getting home so late and putting in such a long day (first meeting @ 9am, home at 10pm.... longgggg....)

And it was hot and muggy -- so I didn't even attempt to go to bed until I was virtually certain to fall asleep. About midnight....

But at least it wasn't because of contention.

"not depressed"

Wanted to note this when it crossed back over my mind....

Yesterday / last evening.... one of the things M did was when I was in the house for a short time, she picked up a book she'd given me after she read it.

"Sometimes I Act Crazy" by the same authors as wrote, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"

anyay, she said "I looked through what you marked in here, and I noticed you marked a lot of stuff about depression."

"I'm not depressed. I'm just empty. That's different."

So she says.

No problems at home at the moment

Had a really late meeting. Got home at 10 p.m.

She appears to be asleep -- but who knows. BR is dark. She's laying quietly. Didn't talk when I came through the room.

Either asleep, or studiously leaving me be.

Either one is fine.

She has to know I'm again at the breaking point with this relationship shit and her intense neediness.

But, it's nice that there were no phone calls and no notes. Amazing, based on past behaviors, but nice.

She clearly went out somewhere at some point today because some Priority mail packages I forgot to deal with are gone. And, she'd picked up today's mail from the mail box.


And, again, amazingly, it appears maybe she drank little or no alcohol (I expected to find no beer in the fridge). But, looked like most all the beer I put in there yesterday is still there.

Odd....

But not.

I suspect she drugged herself fairly heavily when she got back from whatever errand or outing she engaged in.

tomorrow s/b interesting. I think she's supposed to go the the "big city" with her sister to shop a bit (an activity M is none too fond of...)

Wonder if she'll get out and go....

Cortisone and M - AND NO nasty notes!!

Amazingly, today I had no upset / nasty phone calls, and no nasty notes when I got home.

I see she went through the mail and opened some bills -- that's fine. No problem, she should at least occasionally see what the flow of bills and obligations looks like.


Anyway, this a.m. before I left, I put a note near her pills: "I have to wonder if the Prednisone has been part of what's been going on the last couple days. "


The EXTENT of her reaction was to leave the "drug book" out, with the emotional side-effects under adrenocorticoids (systemic) circled.

I think it was a way of agreeing with me that this was part of the issues.

Certainly it was a similar cortisone / wine / dysphoric meltdown as I have seen repeatedly before.

Remainder of today, so far

Well, I VMed her in the a.m. with the message that I didn't know when her T appt was, but could do lunch if M kept her appt (if her guts would allow, after NOT taking her evening meds last night)...

Also, I think I just made the one call / message, I told her that I saw her email and that "I'm tired, but not pissed or angry."

Just tried to provide her a little reassurance about the effects of last night on my mood.

I recognized the cycle.....

More in the following messsage.

Sorry??!!

Got this in email from M at about 9:30 a.m:

"sorry I bothered your sleep last night"

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less....


Of course, she hasn't returned my call / VM to her cell -- I called mid-a.m. and offered to go to lunch before / after her T appt if she made it....

Haven't heard a thing more.

Aging

She's reading a book about "Successful Aging" and has really picked up on the need for good socio-community support.....

which, from what she seems to be saying, I am denying her in some manner.


I do agree that we don't have that kind of support system in place. Not by any means.

Neither do either of us exercise enough, eat really right for longevity, etc, etc.....

Looking more and more like we cannot have a life, permanently, toghether.

Big surprise, that.

Genesis

Oh, part way through the evening, after one pissing match or two, she brought me this quote:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

and said, "This haunts me"

I said, "What do you think that it means?"

M, "I think it's more important to know what YOU think it means. You were the one who was the Bible-thumper when you were young."

I just said, well in the context of the times, it's certainly a reference to a young man leaving the household of his parents and establishing his own. However, it's certainly not meant to be taken as ending a relationship with the parents or literally having nothing to do with them.

After all, how would that play in to the commandment, "Honor your father and your mother"?


I then countered with, "What about the old saw: 'a son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter all of her life".

How is it that in traditional terms as you are viewing it, a man is supposed to "leave his parents" but a daughter is allowed / expected to retain a relationship with hers? How is that appropriate???

She didn't have much answer to that.

For me to think about

At one point last night she got into feeling rejected in some manner..... Mostly because at times she's angrily ready to move on from this relationship, other times, she's accusing me of "kicking me ot the curb". Often this happens within the same flow of consciousness. Minutes apart.

When she made the rejection observation, not really angrily, I asked for clarification.

She repeated how she's feeling / felt / is "devalued, discounted, by you and your mother" (case in point: M is still carrying resentment over my mom's remark on Mother's Day that M took to be another instance of my mom thinking M just freeloads or something....)

Anyway, she crystallized it like this, and this is what I want to think about:

"Devaluing and discounting ARE rejection"

This a.m.'s note

Short and sweet...

"Bottom line: you are emotionally unavailable to me. That's totally unacceptable in a long-term relationship. Totally." With a sad face drawn next to it.

Well, there were times in last night's conflicting where I kind of knew she wanted some reassurance, caring words, and all....but I was under fairly whithering attack for the most part.

Can't offer the emotional support when I'm being fought with and accused and generally treated as THE problem.....

It's her dystopia she's creating. She needs to find a way to stop that.

Her dysphoric version of a property split

Oh, you can get rid of me....

All I ask is the house, (sign my half / part of the equity over), my car (who makes the payments?), the money in savings and the stock account and you can get rid of me....

I remarked, a little testy, "So, I should impoverish myself!!"

That really set her off -- "You make twice what I do, you can start over"

I didn't engage much further, other than to ask her how it is she thinks she'd make the house payments.....

She stayed steamed and offended at my "impoverished" statement / reaction. For at least a couple hours. Still carried on about it when I went downstairs to see about turning the TV volume down. And again later.


This gets right down to why I don't consider marriage at all viable any more. She would be terribly vindictive in a court fight over assets -- which is only going to come into play if we were married and divorcing.

Not interested in giving such a disturbed personality that much sway over my assets, thank you.

Last night, more went on

She had the TV on so loud downstairs that I could not sleep. About 12:30a, I came down and turned down the volume and turned it off becasue she was not in the room.

That caused some conflict because "I was listening to that" (from outside, on the deck, 30 feet away, with the sliding door closed).

Moments later, she came upstairs, "Did you have a little nap?" "No, haven't slept yet".

She tried to engage repeatedly in a conflict over property splitting, which I refused to do in the middle of the night.

Later, maybe 1:30 a.m., she sort of attempted to flop, literally, herself into bed. Flopped around (seemed to me to be an irritant), said something about how "I didn't take my meds tonight, so my guts probalby won't let me go to my T appt tomorrow."

I didn't say much about that.

She got up, but had to continue to harp and angrily engage. I offered to go to the guest room. She went downstairs, with nasty remarks.

I finally took myself off to the guest room.... which also infuriated her. Not long after I'd made the bed and settled in, she burst in and said, "Oh, what the hell ever".

I finally fell asleep, woke at 5:30 a, and moved to the master BR, (had to unlock the door) lest she think I was completely angry and withdrawn.

I'm not. This is just more of the same and it will be dealt with eventually. One of will probably have to leave before this summer is over. Quite maybe sooner.

Bottle # 2 made it worse and worse

not to mention the Prednisone in her system....


Wanted to record this while I'm recalling it, too:

One of the things she pissed around about was a txt message from my older son --
which she prompted by her own adolescent txts...

I didn't let that go far before I called her on it. I said, "And what occurred just BEFORE you got that (dog doo-doo) message?" She acknowledged she'd sent him "a few txts..." I recall it -- it was a thoroughly adolescent exchange between the two of them, that she initiated.

Then, not able to resist, I asked, "And, what about the nasty txt message you recently sent him? Why would you do that?"

Of course, she denied it was all that nasty..... Or out of line....

Anyway, in this instance, being "caught" with the truth of her own recent impropriety, she rather changed the subject.... for the time being. I don't really recall to what.... just more of the same.... Then, over the course of the night, she repeatedly informed me, "I've just been waiting for when you would throw that txt message into my face." "I knew you would eventually" (then, why send it, I might wonder) and "S has a big mouth, I knew he would let you know. AND that you would 'throw it back in my face'.

I did keep trying to disengage. Couldn't help but be a bit reactive at times. Yelling back at her, as she has been doing. That sort of thing. I would attempt to leave, and she'd say another provocative thing. I finally ended up parking myself back in front of her on the deck and letting her just carry on until well after dark (mosquitos aside -- although, it struck me as typically narcissistic that she didn't even notice the trouble I was having with them....)

Even after we went into the house, by 10:30 or so, I tried to leave and go to bed, settle down. But, she kept at her dysphoric stuff. I'd no more than settle down and stay nonreactive, than she'd go at it a different way. Again, each time I'd try to leave the room, she'd say something sarcastic or provocative.

Finally, again, I just gave up and parked myself in the living room and let her just vent and carry on some more and some more and some more. ISN'T VENTING SUPPOSED TO EVENTUALLY GET THINGS OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM??

I did go upstairs by 11:00, but.... she went round some more, up and down the stairs, etc.


She evern, middle of the night, started a dysphoric tirade about her terms for a property settlement -- to which I calmly stated, "I am not having a property settlement conversation in the middle of the night."

Of course, that was after my initial reaction to her terms.... (see another message)

Damn foolishnesss

A beer, a bottle of wine, more whining, and another

bottle of wine cracked.

Yup. She can't resist. No food. A beer or two. Most of one bottle of wine. Into the next. Getting into the SOS with me, again.

On and on.

Until I challenged her. Told her that it was a bit hard to believe that if the visit from my folks were to take place in Sept / Oct, that we wouldn't be going round and round the same stuff, different time.

Her attitude / history / view of her relationship with my mom woudn't be different....

etc, etc.

But, as soon as I suggested that HER attitudes and behaviors and feelings would be the same no matter the time frame, her focus changed...

back to the anxiety, severe -- that my dad may tumble down the stairs....

the preference for an in-law apartment being added on.....

No acknowledgement that much would be the same for her part.

Coming home

Just got a call, "I guess I'm coming home because I don't have $167 to spend on a hotel room."
"Really pisses me off"
"Just thought I'd warn you"

Off she goes

Well, I'm not entirely sure she should be driving... but, she up and packed a change of clothes and just took off to a hotel for the night

Near as I can tell it's because I didn't answer the "what should I (have) do (done) with my hand?" question in a way that she was happy with.

She left sputtering and spouting off about how I "just consider her a fuck-up" and "deeply flawed because she has to take meds" and other clues to how her head is spinning out of control with her emotions....

Plainly lots of self condemning thoughts pushing through. Lots of negativity toward herself.

I've said before, I don't have to say nasty things... she says enough, out loud and to herself, for both of us....

What do you think I should do with my hand?

says she a moment ago.

But, unfortunately, what she meant was, "What SHOULD I have done...."

which rotated right back to all the angst and trouble this visit has caused...
all the housecleaning that only she can do, to hear her say....

on and on.

Oh that she would actually report some of this behavior truthfully to her T.

and have a fully honest relationship with her T.


but I digress...

She's clearly sore (see next message -- she remarked about this in her stream of negativity as she left the house) that I said at the start of this last 3 weeks that it was her decision to quit physical therapy....

She quoted that and said I'd made the statement several times. That's probably true. I don't pretend to understand why the house had to be competely cleaned in a matter of days, with as little help from me as possible (or so it seemed).

Oh, the better to be matyred....

Of course, she doesn't recall that most of the time, early on, whenever I can home early or stayed home an extra day to try to help, she inevitably started fighting with me about the situation -- spending energy on the fighting instead of letting me get on with pitching in around the house.

Nope. She's not likely to recall that....

Only how "she had NO choice, because she WAS EXPECTED / HAD TO or whatever, to clean the house and prepare to host and entertain my folks."

OTOH, I don't thing they expect any such thing.... hence my dilemma when she demands my absolute agreement / validation of her POV and her martydom....

Me and my family's visit's fault -- that the hand isn't better

That's what I gather. I've now been told repeatedly that she "had no choice" but to quit physical therapy for her hand / arm (tendonitis) because she couldn't forego use of her dominant hand for any number of days....

Had to get ready for this (ill-timed) visit.

A few minutes ago, she popped in to the living room to tell me, "Lest you think it's just arbitrary, I've quit taking the Prednisone because it's not much use if I can't do the rest of it: rest, warm soaks, etc, etc. And, I just don't have time right now".

So, she keeps crucifying me, but she's the martyr....

OMG, on and on

Well, I shouldn't be surprised.

As far as I know, ALL M had to eat today was a cup of yogurt. Oh, correction.... tomato juice this a.m. and tonight and she just munched a few almonds or something.

For some reason she got up and got real active today. Wore herself out.

Of course, this evening, the beer got started on.... which, on an empty stomach, soon served to loosen her bad feelings and her tongue.

So, off she went -- over the same negative territories. Over and over and over again.

My mom, my family....

"I told my T that I'll be history soon". (Why? askd the T? "Because when push comes to shove, he'll choose his family over me...."

No kidding. And, who would be doing the pushing and the shoving, I wonder.

She wouldn't let up no matter how gracefully I tried.

Demanded validation.... I can give her understanding and empathy -- but for her, validation means agreement with her viewpoint and her "hurt". I don't agree with many of her issues / roots of the issues -- so I cannot "validate" her POV.


I have managed to disengage without getting outraged, or having to threaten to leave the house....


Let's see... what else -- Oh....

M, "this comes at such a bad time. I was just feeling good about us again, and then all this baggage hits -- with your family visit...."

She just cannot see the reality she creates for herself. It is her pathology that "makes her made the house spotless". Hers that gets so completely tense over "your mother and how she (treats, views, etc) me." Hers that makes her completely ornery about all the commensurate issues of having my folks, or my family, about.

Not mine.

MY POV is that assuming no abuse patterns, and no outright in-law hostiity, everyone ought to just be able to get along.

So, so day

Last few days had been OK. She's busted by her fibro. Hadn't been too churlish or difficult.

Today, however, was a bit more so - so. Volatile.

She tried to get some things done that were a bit much for her body (hand/thumb/arms/fibro.

Of course, as she hurt, or was otherwise unhappy with the world, I got the splash.

I had one bit of temper early in the day.

Both of us mostly settled down to work around the yard, in the p.m., though. Not much more conflict. A little more crabbiness from M, but I didn't rise to any bait.

A manifestation?

OK, different subject.

Last night, at about midnight, 12:30a, I THOUGHT M came through the room and brushed my foot. I was dreaming and remember kicking, like three times, before I woke up. I thought she was in the room, and then went to the hallway on her side of the bed. Almost sounded like she was using the guest bathroom. I rolled onto my back so as to cuddle her in the crook when she came to bed....

...when I realized I wasn't hearing anything more.... and the TV downstairs was still on.

So, I got up. Came downstairs and quizzed her. She said, no, she hadn't been up. Wanted to know what happened... I told her, and she just said, "Well, the veil is thin"
(a statement she's made regularly for years).

I just remarked that if it were that, then something got knocked for a loop -- sent a long way away....

I did do some protections before going back to sleep....

Hmmm.... too very strange that something manifested that physically in my presence. That doesn't tend to happen, in part because I'm dense in this plane, but also because I'm not an entity to mess with on the other planes.


otoh, could have been one of the cats happened to touch my foot....

The tsunami finally stopped?

Well, Friday p.m., evening, and Saturday. The nice M seems to be here, instead of her evil twin. Yesterday, Saturday, went really really well. I got up late -- slept in some -- had my usual breakfast. She was up shortly after. We talked over some errands that needed to be done (bird seed at the feed store, little grocery shopping). And, she decided to go along with, because, "by the time we're done, it'll be time for some lunch...."

So, we did all that, went to lunch, went to the coffeehouse for an hour or so after. Got home mid-afternoon, and together tackled the master BR closet. She's been needing to switch out winter clothing for summer for a long while -- had been bitter about not having time.... anyway, we each worked on our sides and then it was done.

Stayed friendly. No real upsets or frustrations. Etc.

Evening -- made a steak on the grill. Salad. Summer supper.

Hung on the deck until mosquitos drove us inside....

I did think she might "get friendly" before I got too tired, as each of us seemed to be signalling at least a little bit of interest.... But, I tend to leave that to her as it's too easy to offend her on the sex stuff...

Sure enough, though, she came to bed about 2 a.m..... not real frisky... but a little, so finaly we made some light love. First time since vacation.....

She remarked she'd been neglecting me... I showed some concern at a point as her breathing got even that she was getting sleepy, and she said, "I'm NOT going to fall asleep on you two nights in the same week..."

Later, cuddled up, she said, "I've been missing you." "I've been right her" "I know, but I haven't."

I finally said, "I've missed you too".

To which she said, "That's an empathic statement." "Is that a good thing?" "Yes, a very good thing. Thank you".

Life in Oz goes on.

Quiessent today

don't know if I've spelled that correctly.

got home a bit early today, as planned, to continue to help with the "crazy" level of housecleaning, as I term it.

M wasn't home. Dont know if she'd gone off to an appt or to lunch or what. But, she arrived shortly after I'd changed my clothes to get started.

With her book, "Sometimes I Act Crazy".

Quiet and staying to herself. Hooray

Looks kind of like she's taking a day off....


Appending Sunday:

Well, Friday p.m., I spent several hours cleaning the kitchen, while she continued to rest and read on the deck (that's a good thing).

She's been reading "Sometimes I Act Crazy" a more current book by the same authors as wrote "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".

(She finished it yesterday; not sure that she got all that much out of it, since the primary treatment options still remain things she's resistant to doing....)

Anyway, afternoon went as it went. And, she seemed almost friendly, finally.... so, we actually went and ate. I offered to take her to Applebees, but she chose to just go down to the corner pub -- something that has been known to be OK, or bad, depends.... Food can be decent, never great. Prices on beer have gotten a little high... but I digress

Amazingly, she had only ONE pint of beer. Almost as if she was trying to be careful not to overdrink.... Part of her knows there is a huge issue with alcohol and loosening her bad mood and nasty remarks.... So, I was glad for that.

Came home. Watched a little TV, reading, etc.... she had a glass of the sparkling wine she'd opened night before (ran out of beer, white wine, etc.... poor thing).

Then, after a bit, she poored what was left into her glass and a flute for me and brought it to me with a toast. "How about we just get over it and get on with it...." or something like that..... a clearly reconcilial statement, whatever it was....

And, shortly after that, I went to bed in a peaceful way - and was unbothered. She came to bed, cuddled up some (late) and seemed to go to sleep in a good mind....

Late conversations and note this a.m.

She started by 8:00 going at me. Up and down with the energy. Worse with each beer, etc.

I managed not to have an angry reaction this time.

When I finally got to go to bed, she came and engaged me a couple more times. Finally, she let on to some feelings that hadn't been so clear -- obscured by the raging....

Came up and said something like, "would it kill you, make you break out in a rash, to say something like, "M, I fucked up. I'm sorry and I will try never to repeat the mistake. I love you and I want you to be part of my life..." Then she headed back downstairs.

I cogitated on that and when she came back up 5 min later, I did tell her almost exactly that. She then said, "I don't even know what do to with that...." like she has before.... needs to feel loved, even when outraged, can't quite handle being loved.

Note this a.m., though:

"Thank you for saying you want me in your life. That means a lot to me. How to acheive that remains a mystery as to how that works."

LTD note

So, because she was acting like she might take off, days, weeks, whatever, I left her the recent several mailings from the LTD co for releases and recertification (the harassment, every 3 years or so). Not to mention trying to be better about having HER take care of HER business.

Mind you, I've helped her manage the LTD stuff from the first. And, there's never been a question of opening the mail and letting her know if there was an issue or forms to take care of....

Until now, while I am "the enemy".

Anyway, left her the forms so that if she truly was taking off for any notable time, she could deal with those....

So, a note, of course, left on them:

"How about I "never" saw any of this (like J's (her son's) dental cobra (a fly-by for both of us, but it's my fault!!) Which by the way I HAVE NOT seen this. YOU opened these "confidential" letters addressed to me so I guess it's up to you."

Of course, that's crazy, since I cannot sign for her.... never had her declared incompetent, but maybe that was a mistake....

fighting with everyone

let's see.... she called her son in AZ, ragged on him

me

younger boy by vm

sent a testy txt mail to my son (over the grand-daugher visit)

hmmm

Seems to me she doesn't get along with much of anyone these days.

Did you ever go see that astrologer?

she suddenly asked out of the blue....

I mostly put her off the subject. Not much to remember, I told her....

a few noncontroversial things....

mostly dodged the question....

I did tell her the Astrologer told me we are NOT so astrologically incompatible as M has claimed.)

Mostly just convinced her that not much memorable was said.

(that's actually because I mostly put it out of my mind)

Why do I even guess at a time?

OK, so now I'm feeling like I shouldn't even bother to estimate my time to get home. Maybe I should just adopt an attitude of "when I get there, I'm there."

This a.m. I left a note:

M, I w/b home as soon after noon as possible. Maybe we can talk before you go anywhere. (a reference to her "intent to leave"). L/L

(the latter a reference to her suitcase and her attempt to go off elsewhere at least for a few days).

I got home at about 2:30.

She wrote on the note:

"Oops.... sorry. I read this as noon (like lunmch) not afternoon (like evening)"

reminds me of her talking about a conversation she had with her kid yesterday -- where she complained that I'm still not coming home very early.... to whcih he said, "Mom, anytime before 9:30 is early"

Now the only reason he had to say that or base that on is HER telling and complaints.... of course, he also tends to tell her what she wants to hear, as well. Easier that way

Make amends? Huh??!!

Wanted to get this down. One of the really strange rounds of conversation last night was one in which she claimed that Monday or Tuesday night when she went up to bed first, she acually hoped / thought I'd be up shortly -- and she "intended to try and make amends" whatever THAT might mean.

I said, you acted like you wanted to be left alone and you went upstairs with scarcely a word. How would I know you expected me to follow or come up soon?? Or whatever...


She fussed some about how I'd been completely disengaged from her (yup.I was reading a magazine while she had her female porn on [aka Emeril, Stacy & Clinton, etc, etc.]

I said, so.... you felt rejected because I didn't come to bed and get attention that I didn't know you wanted to give?? Or something??

Of course, she took things off in some other more nasty direction at that point, athough I don't recall the particulars.

Last night / this a.m.'s note

After what I had exprssed over the course of the p.m. early evning -- admitting considerable work life pressure and essentially asking for some space to cope -- after she still cycled through much of her same issues, esp w/ my family....

including "being the other woman"

and that marriage would like fix that....

and my refusing to go too far into all that at 10:30 at night.....


she left this note (and I see a suitcase ready to go upstairs):

"this is what I heard you tell me in various ways yesterday-
- Get over my issues regarding your parents' visit for 3 weeks in july and the burden of responsiblity it puts on me [note: a reference to her belief the house has to be utterly clean before my mother steps in to it -- and M is the only one who can do that or do that right] -- never minnd the phsuical and emotional pain I'm enduring right now

--and the only variable [she says in the note] in this is me

-I'm causing you to be unable to do your job, especially because your job is particularly difficult right now

So my conclusion is that if I am not here, your life will be just hunky-dory. I can arrange that because I'm more tired of all of this than you could ever be.

(like Rachel Ray says, see you when I see ya /m

Nice to have such a supportive partner - not

Hmmmmm let M know today that work pressure was almost overwhelming, when on top of all the issues at home (which to my mind she's created).

Tried to get her to back off all this crap a little....


didn't really work. She strted in by early evening. Kept at it. Kept pushing bottons.

Tail end of the night, 10:10ish, she complained about her fibro -- I offered to rub cream or whatever and she turned that into a toxic interactin about how Id failed to massage her hand for her.....

Worse and worse... .she just won't give up the toxic emotions.

She's made my folks coming to visit an impossible situation for her, me, all.

Voicemail & Note

Of course, I no more than went to bed last night than she voicemailed me. More of the same.

Left this note for me as well (not bad, just transcribing it for my record):


"I know you hate notes fromn me. BUT, perhaps -- just perhaps -- you might try to be patient with me --

You, my family, and my sons, your family, the University [former employer] -- have all done a lot to piss me off -- And -- other the course of the years, I think I've done OK dealing with it. But I feel like I'm at a time now in my life that I really want to live -- and not by others' rules and constraints. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? "


My thoughts:
I note that as usual, she points fingers everywhere else -- not much introspection or taking of responsiblity.... She believes she's done OK, yet, she has been terribly inconsistent with therapy, with medical compliance, with managing her own health.... etc.

On the last, I think she's examining the proposition of going out on her own. I'm ready to let her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to push her.

continuing to pitch a bitch

Again, she lured me into it. Came home, a little later than I would like. But, consistent with what I'd let her know on VM.

I mowed. She quit for the day.... Early evening she stayed friendly.... Bottle of wine -- who knows how many beers before I got home -- more beer.....


By 9:00p or so, she started in to the "stuff". At first, she cautiously broached whether it would tick me off if she "found something to do" from 7/15 to 7/22 or so.... Told her, that was fine....

Then her jaw unhinged and she started in to the same old same old yet again -- all the unhappiness -- my folks. My granddaughter. ("Have to kid proof the house, that's impossible")


about OTHER people dictating how SHE'LL spend her time....

time to live HER life on HER terms.

GO for it, M, Go.

And, she's managing to have this repeated, incessant meltdown at a time at work that I need
to have a clear mind....

damn.

Last night she trapped me with a good mood / behavior

then, wham!! At bedtime.... We talked. I heard her say the same things, again -- all about how she's not been consulted, OTHERS are dicating how she'll spend her time, and all.

Mind you, she started this "discussion" just as I said I was tired and headed up to bed. So, apparently my eyes were a bit heavy -- so she then got real pissy, with the "you're not listening.." stuff... and more carrying on.

Of course, this resulted in a big fight, I almost headed to a hotel, all that jazz.... lots of unhappiness all the way around....

on and on on the merry-go-round.

Painting 2/3 of a wall?? Now??

What kind of weird reality is this??
Yesterday when I got home, to the crisis and the conflict, one of the discoveries I made was that she'd spent "an hour looking for paint".... and then spent who knows HOW much time redecorating 2/3 of a wall that just needed a minor bit of paint patching.

Amazing. Complaining bitterly of ALL that needs done, and puts time into something like that.

On & on and back to the same old Oz

So, yesterday I got home a little early, intending to assist with the housecleaning that is now PARAMOUNT, due to my folks coming next month.... etc, etc, Got a little done, but MOSTLY she just wanted to jaw at me and jaw at me about how she wasn't consulted, she probably needs NOT to be there when my mom is, that she resents HER life being turned upside down, controlled / dictated by others.... on and on.

Kept me up late carrying on, revisiting the same issues / concerns. She's talking about needing to get out on her own (fine, go!!) etc, etc.

But the attacks on me into the night, affecting my sleep, is not acceptable.

She would hardly let up. Not terribly energetic with it all, but kept at pushing buttons.

So, again, I have had a lousy night's sleep when I really need to be operating in a better place....

Once again, she's creating a negative reality that has only one outcome -- her moving...

Not thrilling me

that she may very well stay in the doldrums, be difficult for the next 8 friggin' weeks.

Be nice if she could regulate her emotions in some way remotely similar to what most people can do....

So tonight

when I got home, she didn't seem to be in too bad a spirit, having "cleared the air a bit earlier, I suppose.

I got started on a small project she kinda wanted done. While I was doing that, her older son called. Seems he's lost his job.... partly through his own fault (written up numerous times since he started), partly due to his younger brother who called him during his latest / most recent crisis with his GF. Made big brother 30 minutes late for work.... got written up once more, and then let go a few days later.

So, that started tonight's meltdown.... although, she and I did NOT get into it at all (thank heaven)).

But it got wierd.... kinda. But not all that for where M goes at times.....

It was around 8:30p when I gave her some warmed up pizza for dinner (her suggestion earlier). Well, it only took a short time before she had a temper flare over the pizza being "too damn hot" and she kind of flung it down onto the floor... I thought she'd go back to it, but she didn't...

Then shortly after, she added to her pill containers, and flared when they wouldn't all fit.

Then she dragged the trash bin / container up onto the deck (presumably to start throwing shit away....), marched upstairs, grabbed her box full of old / back magazines, heavy though it was, dragged it downstairs, and pitched it in to the trash.... silly, but that's how she can get at times.

Then she went back upstairs. A little while later she flounced outside and started pulling weeds.... then came back in, headed upstairs, and has since passed out / fallen asleep in her chair....

Bout all there is to that at this writing.

More today but not bad until 2nite

Well, she saw her T today. I left her the run-down on the schedule of my folks' visit this a.m., so they reviewed that. Of course, her T "agrees with her that....." M probably shouldn't be around my mom, or if she is, probably won't be able to hold her tongue, etc, etc, not to mention how put on she is, no doubt to have to share her house, again, and all that.....

We met for lumnch today so she could debrief me. And run some of her stuff by me. Mostly stayed nonconfrontational. Observed that she didn't like to just be "informed", that she'd like to be consulted / discuss this stuff, etc. That Sept might be a better time in the future.... and she even got to some true reality....

the usual difficulties she feels between her and my mom..... ("they're NOT just feelings, their facts!!")

And, most truthfully of all:
"You're not so busy in the summer, so I get more of your time and attention and I don't want to share that very badly.....

Once again, it becomes obvious that she's only happy if she's the paramount concern in my life and of my attention..... that she can be OK as long as she is the center of my universe.

another note or 2

At one point, M informed me, not confontationally, that she has an appt with her T tommorrow and whatever they worked out....

She otherwise was incommunicado....

Stayed mostly in the master BR. I came up a moment ago, tired, and she had this yucky "How do I look" program on the TV instead of the news.

She also had arranged a sleeping space on the floor and was fiddling with her heating pad.

Wanting to be polite, I asked, "are you watching this?" she nodded yes.

I took about 3 or 4 minutes to undress, brush teeth and come back into the room... and by then she was OUT. I actually wonder whether she was remotely lucid a few minutes ago....

anyway, she appears to be pretty well passed out. Probably the usual combination of alcohol and pills..... if she's muscle-hurting, valium and anothe muscle relaxant. Always puts her well out.... not restful, I think, but out.


It's she doesn't get honest about some of that habit with her T.

As for me, I'm feeling really frustrated tonight and could be tempted, too easily, to finally end this thing.

An odd feeling after some nice days together.

But she just doesn't seem too capable of functioning in a remotely normal way witin a relatonship.

what do you do with that when you're the well partner?

What's really bothering M

After some several weeks of getting along fairly well....
and after spending a really nice vacation time together....

Well, she's immediately back to the troubled mind....

She shared with me a couple hours ago that she's "figured out what's going on with her...."

Apparently, she's ALREADY anticipating the challenge / emotional difficulties / pain / etc with my elderly parents coming for a couple weeks next month, as they usually do in the summer. The primary purpose being to see various caregivers that I trust. And to visit, of course.

She knows the rough timeframe, but not the specific yet (I just got that in my email and hadn't really sorted it out to share it....)

And, my granddaughter is to come to my state next month (I think it's July and not June) to visit various relatives, including Pops (me)

My plan with for the granddaughter's visit was / is to mostly keep my visits with her to day time (hooky from the office) and maybe a weekend, while my folks are around to help.

Anyway, M is ALREADY borrowing the emotional pain a full month in advance or so....

Bothering me for details that I have not had a chance to sort out just yet. Talking about "how disconcerting it is not to know anything...."
and expressing frustration about not being consulted about the plans, and on and on.


She has done this before. Which is what I began to react to almost immediately. The idea of having an emotional wreckage for the next 8 weeks.... is a bit much.

And it happened within 24 hours of returning from a wonderful vacation -- one in which SHE says, "I feel like we were just beginning to get back on track, and now these visits are looming..."

MY observation is that a couple other times where I took time off, to be with / work with her almost exclusively over all other responsbilities or interest -- resulted in the same feeling....

she's really only happy if she's the center of my universe.... and she hates sharing me or her living space and all....

SIGH!!!

good vacation together last week

Really met M's needs. Somewhat met mine. First vacation I have taken in several years that was sans laptop and cell and contact with the office.

M had me all to herself, which always makes her feel much better.

Mostly it was GREAT. Really nice all-inclusive resort. Different reality being waited on hand and foot.

I do have to admit I had / have some frustration that we did not make love much. Some, but she has some gyno problems that are easy to aggravate and apparently were.... a fact I discovered only by asking.... sigh.

But, after a nice time together, and an attempt to ease "re-entry" by my taking one extra day off (Monday - yesterday) she's still ended up melting down a bit.... actually a lot.

I thought it was mostly just her upset at being back home where there is "so much to do" everywhere and so many "problems" and jobs, and, and, and....

but also, 'tis more.

Worth making a note

We've been getting along ok. Pretty well. Although, I had been a little concerned that I had to add an evening meeting to my week -- a little unexpectedly -- concerned that she might react badly, since my week was supposed to be almost completely free in the evenings.....

Anyway, she'd been accepting, so it seemed. BUT, tonight, she asked (late, just as the 11:00 news was coming on) what time I expected to be home. Well, I didn't know, so I didn't guess.... told her I didn't know but didn't think it would be all that late.

BUTTTTT, she'd had a bottle of wine + tonight.... after mostly trying NOT to drink much since the really bad episode a week+ ago. She didn't stay completely on the wagon for long.... instead, just trying to "be more reasonable"....

Anyway, I had noticed some signs that she was more affected tonight than she'd been for awhile. So, I was a little wary, anyway.... probably explains why I gave what I intended to be a careful answer.

SHE didn't find it acceptable....wanted a more specific response.... got upset. I heard the sigh.... So, as I was afraid of, she was upset / bothered.... I figured it was mostly just because I was supposed to NOT have much this week....

Anyway, I went upstairs by 11:05, went to bed.... within 5 more minutes, she started to "get into it". She was really put off that I wouldn't give her a specific time.... that I should KNOW better. That she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want the information.... and I avoided it.... etc.... made much out of it...

Anyway, I avoided pointing out she'd had too much to drink. But, I started to get a little upset myself.... Tried to quit the discussion several times. She wouldn't quit, though. I finally started to feel myself getting heated and upset myself... and told her I really needed to withdraw and go downstairs. That I was getting upset and needed to withdraw and cool off.

She started to say something more, and I insisted otherwise. Then, was peeved that I wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I said, "Ok, WHAT?!" and she, finally registered I really was upset and stopped.

I went downstairs..... rested and collected myself.... then went upstairs, maybe 10 to 15 minutes after leaving the bedroom. She had the TV on (Late Show) and had passed out / fallen asleep....which tells me the mood crap was a bad combination of alcohol and her meds.

Nonetheless, it is interesting.

And, fortunately, I managed to successfully withdraw from the potential argument before it got out of hand....

I think she and I will need to talk about this tomorrow.

My son's take

from Friday night:

He was busy writing up a proposal (remodelling sales). She called late. He could tell she was pretty "wasted" and asked her that, politely at a point. She denied it, and he told her "Look, you're speaking slowly, and slurring... your're wasted".

she finally admitted having taken some valium....

He said most of the conversation was friendly in tone, and that he doesn't think he got rude or pushy. But, he did get concerned that she was going to get into "other women" territory, and he was busy, and he didn't want to hear the sorry for herself stuff.... so he begged off the phone in some way.

M is convinced he doesn't like her, was rude, etc.... He said it's not personal dislike (I know he tries to be OK with her) but the substance abuse that puts him off.... he's lost two friends to drugs already in life.... He's a little sensitive about people being wasted and drug abusive....

On the wagon, again.....

we'll see

One of the things M told me Sunday and Monday was that she was terribly, and deeply ashamed of what happened Friday night. And, she seems to recognize the role of alcohol.... so, she's quitting -- or greatly reducing or awhile.... Asked for my help in that (of course!!)

We'll see. She does need to get a handle on this.

The week at this point

has been pretty busy for me in the evenings. Always a danger to M's moods. But, we've communicated and seem to be OK....

BUT, I am really getting quite concerned. She spends a LOT of time idling on her portable video games. Some outside. Some at appointments recently....

But, overall, she's seeming pretty reticent and maybe depressed..... hmmmm

The rest of last Sat & Sun

actually went OK, once M was up, about, and full lucid. Essentially, I told her I just wanted to deal with things in a mindful way, let the previous night go, go on with Saturday and the weekend as planned and as if the meltdown had not occurred.

I made it plain that while I had concerns and upsets, I wasn't going to nurse the negativity. Quite the opposite.

I cuddled with her to help her recover..... at one point, she wanted to make love and I carefully demurred. Otherwise, the day / remainder of the weekend ended up going well, all in all. We went to some dinner late in the day, folllowed by a cute little play at a local community theatre.

She also asked if I was still OK to go to a special dinner place on Sunday. Told her yes, and she made a reservation at a "secret" restaurant.....

Sunday a.m., I offered to make love when it was time to go upstairs in the a.m. after breakfast and reading the paper for awhile. She decided that was a good way to start the day.... and it was.

We spent some time outside puttering, then headed to the restaurant.... NIce!! Fondue restaurant. Lots of fun..... we both enjoyed it, and she especially enjoyed MY getting a kick out of it.

and more to note

Got some worrisome phone messages at about 6:30 a.m. from M.... typical stuff she leaves if she's about to take an overdose of her meds (nonlethal, so far).

"What do I stay around for, when I'm not meeting your needs"
"Talked to both my kids last night, and we're cool...."

Goodbye-ish stuff that is a warning sign


Anyway, I've come home by 9:30, checked on her..... she's out. Really out hard. Don't know what she took but must have been a fair bit....

Had her cell phone at her head, in her hand.... still on (put the land line off hook)

Cell was on and has rung at least twice since she "went to sleep"..... loud ringer -- she's slept through it.

sleeping isn't the word. More like passed out...

but, seems to be breathing normally, etc..... too, too typical.....

she causes a crisis in the household / relationship -- then has this reaction....

too much fun

appended info from last night

Mom called this a.m.... I didn't tell her much.... Anyway, she said my son S called her this a.m.... and mentioned that M called him last night. He told his grandma, "she sounded pretty wasted...." Says he asked her if she was wasted, and she said no. But, he told my mom that M was talking very slowly, perhaps with some slurring.... difficult to understand....

Strangely enough, the VM she left me after the conversation sounded fairly bright and lucid....

Mood ? chemicals ? alcohol ?

all of the above, no doubt

A new low / high

Seemed like a good enough evening. No problems or conflicts or particular tension, although I thought she seemed to get more distant all through the week.... But, I got tired, while she was still watching a show she likes and I went to bed -- with her knowing, again, that I was "interested" but not pushing it....

Anyway, she sweetly said, "I'll be up in a little while..."

Then, not long after, she called my son in NC.... something she had no business doing, especially at 10:30 at night. I don't know what ensued..... From the VM she left me after, I would have thought it pleasant enough.... But, she's since sent txt about "why does S dislike me so much" and, "what have I ever done....???"

Anyway, midnight last night, I wake up to pee.... hear her weeping downstairs....

SHOULD have left her be.... made the mistake of going down to check on what the matter was (show I care....)

One thing led to another -- she was all conflicted over my family again, and how she "has no standing" and "no respect" (because we are not married).... I got hot tempered.... This subject is SORE, and especially so in the middle of the night.

Conflict of wills. Yelling.... cursing. I packed to go. She threatened that "You can't come back".... etc, etc....

She clawed at me and my clothing -- scratches on my face..... trying to prevent me from going.....

I tried to leave, thought better of it, one more time and came back into the garage where she was blocking the service door into the house -- more willful contesting.

I picked her up by the waist. Move her into the house. She got pushy or something and I grabbed her forearms and continued to move her into the kitchen. Not roughly. But firmly.

Whereupon she accused me of abusing her and CALLED 911.

Deputies were courteous, and professional. I was very cooperative, and they asked me to find elsewhere to sleep. Happy to do so..... went to a hotel, which is where I should have gone in the first place.

Now, the aftermath of her making this false accusation....

I don't know. I have many mixed thoughts. We have a nice vacation planned in 2 weeks.... both been trying hard last couple weeks.... but this.... this changes things really significantly for me.

Weird few days

Thursday night, I think, got very strange. At 10ish p.m., M appeared by her deep kisses, to be inviting me upstairs to make love.....

Few minutes later, I got up there and she started carrying on about the dusting and cleaning that is such a mess and needful.... and on and on about it.

Threw me completely... and I reacted poorly -- quietly, but poorly. She could tell I got upset, but there wasn't any going back. I actually couldn't sleep, I was so bothered by it..... Finally had to take a couple of her pills to get some sleep.....

Wanted really, to get enough rest to shake it off and forget it.....

Which I did, I think.... then, last night happened....

ever so interesting

Yup. Some days are ever so interesting.

M had her first in months session with her T today -- but I'm not supposed to know that. Like I said in a previous message, she was all roiled up about "what she'll say about my not being there for so long, and what I'm supposed to tell her about the last nine months...." etc, etc.... Her feeling Tuesday night was that she still doesn't know where things stand, what's so wrong, "Why YOUR mood (speaking of me...) swings have gotten so extreme" etc, etc.... The marriage thing... all of that.

While the mood didn't go completely south, I could tell she was quite anxious last night and today.....

Anyway, we'd made a date to have lunch today, and I knew darn well her T appt was at 11 a.m.....

But, did she say anything about it? No.

That's OK. Fine with me..... Just interesting.....

Last night, familiar pattern

I have troubles at work. Little tense about it, but not bad. Had an after work obligation. Home about 7:30 p. Early evening OK, though.

But, she often tends toward a low point / crash if I'm needing emotional support -- she just has a tough time sustaining that support, even though she tries.

I was a little tired from a restless night (we'd made love, but I didn't ejaculate, which is OK. But, that, and whatever else, made M restless. I think I was just a little restless due to life at the moment -- maybe a little worried that she'd felt "rejected" even though she'd had lots of attention. Anyway, restless night, worked hard in the yard during the day. Busy p.m. at work, evening.... I was tired.

I started to get a little sleepy by 8:30 p.m. and about that time, M wanted to be kissy. Which was fine, but she caught that I was drowsy. She's never very graceful about that. Not hostile. But, she could be more tolerant of it when it happens. So, she didn't react much, but she did sit back up and leave me alone. Sat close, etc..... but... it seemed like a little bit of a first step toward trouble.

Just a little later, she asked me how my therapy was going and what we were talking about. Dangerous territory -- I don't like being quizzed about that, feel my privacy is violated. She knows it makes me bothered..... I was cordial, general in my response.

Step two toward trouble.

A little while later, I couldn't find her. Finally did. Out on the front porch. Clearly troubled thinking (and after not too long, clearly alcohol influenced).

Seems she's scheduled an appt with HER T (which ought to be good). And, she has "no idea how to explain the last nine months, because I have no answers...", etc.


Talked of MY extreme mood swings (from her perspective)....
Touched the marriage bit, too.

She talked about the differences in the self-help books we have tended toward.

About her concern that my T and I are working at cross-purposes to M (meaning, I think, NOT automatically toward preserving the relationship)).

I mostly listened. Especially when she got a little excited and extra upset. Seemed to me she probably had not had enough to eat, had her beers..... was affected....

and, yes, clearly troubled about what to tell her T

For me, it's amazing that she doesn't see much of her own role....


anyway, we got through that without a fight, or significant trouble. Watched TV peacefully and companionably up through the news....

But, she didn't sleep as close. Slept in a way that makes me think she had to use some chemical assistance.... which is fine.... but a bad sign, in a way.

Guess we'll see what today, tomorrow, and other days bring, as each of us try to live more in the day and more mindfully.

Last couple weeks - OK

She came home, we were "connected" for a few days. Went on vacation with her Sis. Been back since end of April. Been getting along pretty much.
Normal, for us, so far

until last night... she went into an odd state of mind over seeing her T later in the week....

It is very wearying

always having to be "up" and never remotely needy or bothered.... Life's a little tough for me right now, and it apparently shows through in some of my phone conversations with M.

Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.

And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.

Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....

Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.

Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).

I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.

So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.

But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.

OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.

Seems a little one way.

It's really put me off.

I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.

sigh.....

91 minutes!

M was traveling back northward today. She's to arrive tommorrow. Unpack and repack Friday to head to Myrtle Beach with her sister on Friday -- staying for a week.

I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.

Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).

But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.

It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.

I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."

and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....

I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.

No surpise -- a freakout

Yup. M managed to get all freaked out yesterday and took it out on me today. Apparently most of it started with my p.m. phone conversation with her yesterday before I went to see Le Miz. She asked if I was planning to see any shows. I was trying to spare her feelings about not being her.... didn't want her to feel more deprived over not coming.... So, I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to say -- that I needed to know for sure that she wanted to know -- or if she'd really rather not. She took that negatively. Decided I was playing cat and mouse.... I did finally tell her. Turned out she wasn't real interested in Le Miz anyway -- part of my reluctance was my presumption she would be disappointed not to see it....

So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....

Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:

"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"

Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)

followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"

By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "

Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."

I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.

I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"

I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.

At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.

She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."

I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.

But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.

too much crazymaking

woke up this a.m. thinking about last night's extended conversation. She looped back over lots of old, negative history.... which is something she does when she's getting overwhelmed and there's too much crazymaking going on. I'm going to send her an email suggesting she cut the contact with both kids way back. One is making her crazy, the other is giving her details about the troubled brother that she doesn't want to hear and that is just crazymaking.

Hour and a half!!

Phone call. Most of it repeats of many past conversations.

really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.

She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.

Last week or ten days

have been different. Interesting.

M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.

For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....

Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......

Wears me out.

Sounded a bit under the influence to me....

But, I managed to stay patient.

It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....

She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.

She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....

I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.

Her summer intentions

She also shared her summer intentions this a.m. as part of her part of it.

Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.

Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.


Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....

and it was....

we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.

Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....

The usual rejection stuff

Of course, today she's paying me back for rejecting her. For daring to "deliberately" reject her. Etc, etc.

Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.

Most easily frustrated in interactions.

Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).

And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).

Tried to listen much.

Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.

Truly beyond

M walks in last night, all smiley, almost 10 p.m..... "I came home because I miss you and I want to make love with you."

what????!!! I'm thinking, this is just out there. All the conflict that I left FL under. All the conflict we'd been having when we touch base since. And this??

I had mostly left her be, turning my phone off and such. She used that as an excuse for surprising me. "I tried to call you, but you had your phone off and the land line off hook so I couldn't reach you...." "I didn't book the flight until yesterday..."

"I DID leave a message that 'I had a question'"

I recall that. It was during the stuff referenced in my entry of http://bpdoz.blogspot.com/2007/04/hard-to-ignore-her-but-im-trying.html describing the night before. And her "question" message was edgy and of a negative tone. Not something I was anxious to respond to.

But somehow, SHE shook all that off by Wednesday and went ahead and made her flight arrangements. For purposes, as she's stated them that seem terribly inappropriate.

It was tempting. I knew what she wanted. She's still quite beautiful and we make wonderful love together when we're connected in that way... But, still, to expect to walk in, completely unexpectedly, with virtually every recent communication being conflicted and literally have the orchestra come up and the couple fall into rapturous love.... is a bit much.

Shhhh... it's a secret

Or, the games they play....

Well, M is "secretly" on her way here. I had an elderly aunt die recently, services this Saturday.... and I think that might be the excuse for her unexpected showing....

Of course, there's also the "crazy" she's going over my not engaging with her and not being altogether open on where things stand between us (the FTF thing....)

So, here's the story and what I know at this point.

Early last evening, her son called me. "You didn't hear it from me.... but I thought you should have a heads-up that Mom might be on her way up here.... I got a text message from her that said something like, 'you might see me sooner than expected.'" He went on to say he didn't really know what she was doing / planning. But, he thought maybe she'd be on her way up here real soon.

Sidenote: my T, with me resisting the engagement, negative or otherwise, and with my being prepared to offer to talk about the relationship by phone if that's what M chooses.... predicted M would head up soon.... shortly after any such talk... the better to force some additional engagement. THIS bit, however is unexpected.

Anyway, the kid only gave me part of the story (no surprise, he's shady.... a liar's liar.)

I called M's sis, to let her know that maybe M was on her way, probably driving.... and therefore sis wouldn't have to drive by herself to Myrtle Beach later this month.... But, Sis says, "Oh... no, I can fill in some blanks for you..."

Turns out M had emailed Sis and told her she had booked a flight to come in Thursday night.... that I'd had an Aunt pass... not that she'd be invited to go to services... and well, her flight back was on Easter Sunday and if she needed a ride, could Sis give her one...

So, here's what I think is up. At a minimum, M is trying to make another "caring ploy" to show me how much she cares and can be supportive in a time of loss.... And, well, I would not be surprised if she tries to pin me down tomorrow on the relationship talk, FTF, that we've been needing to have.

I'm not thrilled. I have a cold. An infection and I need my rest. I don't need crazy disturbing me. But, as always, I'll be gracious... or, if needed, I'll lash out in the anger she seems so often to crave....

Hard to ignore her, but I'm trying

Trying to break my habit of taking her calls and responding to her messages no matter what their tone. My T kinda thinks I should just delete them without reading or listening... Yipe!!

I suppose my reluctance to do that is a bit on the addictive relationship side of things....

Anyway, it drives me crazy to get this txt @ 8:00 p, last night:
"I hope you can be proud of yourself. Just as I knew.....surgery was the last straw....I had hoped it would bring us closer to gether but it only provide you more opportunites..." (then an odd symbol appears, which might indicate the system truncated the message or something. Who knows.) anyway I suppose she was going to accuse me some more of abusive behavior....

I was disgusted and disgruntled to receive that message, so I turned off my phone and took the land line off hook....


This a.m. I found that at 8:23p she tried to call and left me a VM, "I just wanted to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no answer. But, plainly YOU aren't talking to me."

Then@ 8:30p, she sent the txt: "Are you having a bad day?"
(in other words, why aren't you responding to my need for attention).


Has she no concept of the emotional instability that series of messages shows? (rhetorical question).

Can't just send a letter, per the T

Yeah, I couldn't resist. I did manage to run the idea of just sending a Dear Jane letter past my T. As I thought, the said NOPE, that's the coward's way out. Gotta talk.

Sigh. That'll be tough, tough, tough.

And, I'm thinking she's got herself anxious enough to really want to know where things stand, even if by phone and even if she is 1200 miles away and away from all her familiar caregivers.

I hope, but don't really expect, that she'll not choose to wait until she's here and we can be FTF for this....

Breaks my heart, but my well-being and my ability to heal and thrive depends on doing this.

preparing for the conversation

Well, I'm going to have an extra session with my T tomorrow. We're going to talk about how to go about telling her that it's over.

We'd agreed to do "relationship" discussions FTF.... but, M is clearly going out of her mind wondering just how bad things are and where things stand.

So, Monday, my T (late in the session, but that was my fault) said that I should email her and pose the question, "Do you want to have the conversation about the status and future of this relationship over the phone, or wait until we can do so FTF"

That way, it becomes HER decision, and I'm not breaking a promise by speaking to it by phone if that's what she's wanting. Resolution, or whatever....

but I need to have it sorted through before laying the groundwork and having the conversation.

But, there is little doubt in my mind. It's time. Time to say exactly where things are. AT an end. That we cannot continue as a primary couple.... I don't know where it may end up someday, but what we have is not working and I donm't see it working as a significant other relationship or married, or whatever.

She's too needy, and I'm too tired of the BS and the drama.

trying my patience

Well, I'm trying really hard to leave M be, and NOT jump to when a call or message comes through. Of course, I know she'll find that terribly alarming, but that's not my problem.

A familiar pattern though. After tangling with me Sunday night, she called at 6 a.m. today "hoping I have a good day and to tell me she loves me..." then.... tonight, predictably, I heard a call come in -- no mesage left... so I left it be... then, a few minutes ago, just after 8p, I got an text message tonight, clearly under the influence and leaning toward upset, all about how "I hope you're proud of yourself.... and I knew my thumb surgery was going to the the last straw".... etc, etc.

In other words, since I didn't contact her today, now she's got to make trouble and externalize blame for the difficulties in this relationship....

No surprises.

Anyway, I find it terribly hard NOT to engage with her. Part of that addictive relationship stuff I've discovered.

OTOH, instead of responding or calling her or any of that... and taking into account that I really am, still, pretty angry about Sunday's late day conversations and arguments....

So, after receiving her troubled text message, my response was to take the land line off hook and turn my cell phone off.

She can stew, but I don't have to take the calls or obsess about them.

In fact, my T is encouraging me to just delete them rather than bother to read or listen, when there's good reason to believe they're just troubled and troublesome.

An apt description

posted by a fellow partner of BPD folk on the Yahoo group Welcome To Oz on April 1:

Bpd is the illness of intimacy and love. And the bpd behaviour and
traits only appear when the bpd person develops those feelings towards
another person. Then the inevitable course takes its path. I
subscribe to the illness being the result of childhood trauma,
neglect, abuse. In any shape or form. A child wants to love and to be
loved. For her or his love to be rejected or abused hurts them and
confuses them. They try time and time again to receive parental love,
only to be pushed further into a safe place in their mind. When they
are not shown love or loved back. Eventually the only person they can
trust is themselves, but they cant even love themselves. For they are
in total confusion.

And as they develop into adult children the illness manifests itself
each and everytime they develop feelings for another adult child.
Their survival instinct kicks in. I will not be hurt, I cannot trust,
they will leave me.

I cant love them, I want to, but they will hurt me. I cannot be
rejected again, abandoned. I have to look after myself.

There is only me, I survived.

Hence the gas lighting, it is them not me. I am okay. The painting
black, they are going to hurt me. I'll get in first before I totally
give myself. Then I wont be hurt. I don't want to be abandoned like my
parents abandoned me. I hate rejection. But if I abandon and reject,
then I am safe.

There is only me, myself and my shadow.

I can't stand being alone, I need someone, I need love and praise, I
want to be accepted.

And the cycle repeats itself. The never ending circle that bpd is and
always will be.

So sad, but even sadder in that the bpds affects so many people who
develop intimacy with them, and there are many through their sad
lifetime. They are only ever a sad child in an adults body.

Their caregivers or parents are the ones that are or have really hurt
us. They live on through their child, still destroying, as they
destroyed the child they should have loved and nutured.

A bpd is and always will be a scared and tormented child in an adults
body.

And yes cunning, manipulative, etc. But isnt that what children are like.

FTF or not?

OK, so plainly she's getting anxious to know the score for certain.

I haven't wanted to tell her other than FTF.... but, perhaps I should reconsider. A letter. Perhaps.

Maybe it's time to lay out the lay of the land, somehow, and someway.

She suspects... Bitterly making remarks like, "You've got it all worked out in YOUR head. With no invovlement from me...."

etc.

What a pain.

Maybe I should just lay the basics down on paper. That it has to end. Propose buying her out. Outlining my terms.... Maybe.

Left alone??!!

Amazing. She seems to think she's left me alone for the most part for the last week or longer. Amazing that she believes that. I had three or four contacts, email, voicemail, answering machine, on Friday night alone. She'd had another crisis -- this one over the rumored pregnancy of her younger boy's g.f..

Cried about how she "was having a crisis and she can't get ahold of me...."

Yet, two days later, she's got herself convinced she's scarcely contacted or bothered me.

Pah!

What nonsense.

Of coures, I know the pattern, and so do her kids. Even her sis. None of us care to talk with her after about 7p at night. Combinations of meds and alcohol....

Increasingly troubled messages. Sometimes completely inarticulate.

Yet, she's "hardly bothered me at all".

Bullpucky.

What utter nonsense.

What a p.m.

Well, this has been fun. Quiet this weekend. She'd left me be.... amazingly. So, dutifully, and not to mention to "pass the (probable) test", I called at about 4p today. Pleasant enough. Nothing special. Also didn't give her the answers and info she keeps looking for, which frustrates her. Signed off the call without incident.

Not 5 minutes later, she called and said, "Am I EVER going to be allowed to come home... or do I even HAVE a home anymore....?? " etc, To which I said, "We agreed to have relationship discussions FTF, not this way...."

Went went round a little. All the usual. I got quickly frustrated. Also touched my NYC trip. That, also, didn't go well. I told her it was business and I needed to not have a bunch of drama...which or course, irked her.

She COULD have reassured me that she would and could behave in a companionable and appropriate way, but instead she made a sarcsstic statement, "I'm sure I'd just embarrass and ??? you "

Anyway, long story short, today was really the last day I could change MY flight without a substantial penalty. And, unhappily, having to cancel her nonrefundable flight.... BUT, I cannot have all the distraction that taking "personal problems" with me to a business conference would cause.

Anyway, every part of me, every one I went to for ratification, if you will, agreed... There's no place for her on this trip, so I have cancelled her flight, changed mine, and shortened my hotel stay by a day.

NOW, I have no further need to accommodate her in my travelling. And, she can be here when she will and I will do what I must.