Catching up

Well, just a quick catch-up.

Love life, interesting. I now have a love interest (friends tempted to be more, much more) in A2, one in TC who is warming up quickly enough -- that one I need to be careful about having any rebound stuff happening, as this is the relationship that my metaphysicians think is "THE ONE", and now I have a local strong interest as well.

That last one I think is going to be fun. Not quite 10 years younger. Very whole, a little extra meat but great personality. Instant attraction on our first date. I don't see it terribly likely to be long-term, but I think it's going to be a really nice involvement. [could not recall who this referred to until I went back to old email. This was a reference to a lady from law enforcement who got wayyy too friendly, too soon. Deep kisses in the karaoke bar on the 2nd or 3rd date, plus an "interest" in having me come over to install an icemaker in her refrigerator.... made the "crazy" alarms go off. I dropped her after about 4 or 5 dates. ]

Meanwhile the EX is getting wonky about the disposition of the house. I think she MAY be suspicious that I'm buying something else (her son is probably hinting that to her). SHE isn't giving ME much info on her intentions, and I continue to manage the interactions between us very very carefully. Like this:

Her: Also, do you still intend to move back here once I'm gone?

ME: Not really, and I certainly do not plan to move back permanently
when that day comes.

Her: I guess I don't even know what this means. What do you intend to do with this house?

ME: Prepare it for sale and sell it -- at least that is the most likely.

She's going to be really unhappy when it finally hits that I've bought my own place, will move my six foot grand piano, and that her options on OUR real estate just got lots more limited -- mostly due to her nastiness and stubbornness and ragefulness.

Work-wise, I have some challenges -- I anticipate weathering them, but things are a little rough.

My A2 friend showed some of the behaviors last night that apparently she's had in the past put men off. She got really "out there" very assertive, lots of "you should" advise, way more energetic about my business than was useful for me at 10:00 at night when I'm trying to motor down. On and on about "those people are CALLING YOU OUT AND YOU HAVE TO DISH IS BACK. NO ONE CALLS ME OUT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT...." etc, etc.

I finally had to get a bit firm with her to back her off. I really needed more calm supportive conversation.

As I backed her off some, then she started in about how she's "used to people finding her a bit too much a lot of the time, but that's ok.... that's just who I am". etc.

I addressed that briefly. I don't think she really understood. And, she clearly doesn't understand how unwelcome men find unsolicited advice!!

I'm sure we'll talk today or tonight. It will be interesting to see if she says anything about last night's interchange. I won't. I will simply make note of it and learn from it. Now I know a bit more about her and her style. What that means for whatever we are headed for in this universe, we'll just have to see.....

It puts me off a little, but nothing I can't get over or otherwise put aside.

astrologer visit

happened yesterday. Kind of a follow up to the intuitive reading I had a few weeks back. Interestingly, the astrologer confirmed pretty much what my intuitive, and my intuition were telling me.... that my TC friend may lead to wonderful things..... but that my A2 friend has to be handled with some care..... that she might be quite a handful if we go the next step -- that SHE would be MORE bothered by a full blown sexual involvement that cools off later than I would. The astrologer says it's a real possibility that A2 would be much more attached than I would and would find going back to "friendship" difficult..... The astrologer even went so far as to say that it would be "real messy" once the line is crossed.

Considering that we are barely holding off being fully sexual, this has been an adjustment.... and I'm still not sure we won't go there....

Buying a house, challenging finances

Well, it appears I am buying a house and affording the new budget, supporting two mortgages, etc, will be a challenge. the house I look to be procuring is aggressively priced and offers a decent to excellent profit / equity opportunity. But, it's a tough budget I'll be faced with, that is for certain.

M will not be happy as I will probably have to force some issues on our joint assets, especially the stock account. Oh well. I don't live for her happiness and to avoid troubling her any more.

More interesting all the time

My friend in A2 and I are getting closer to an outright relationship, including sexual. We're struggling with how to go "there" and not damage the friendship if things don't work out, etc...

My friend in TC is continuing to experience some challenges in dealing with her feelings and grief over the end of the relationship she'd had.

T, my intuitive counselor saw no real issues or dangers in getting further involved with A2, but strongly feels I will end up, quite permanently and happily, with TC. It was interesting in a phone conversation yesterday that at one point, I said that TC needed some healing and recovery time and that it would be a year before she and I would be physical.... T said, that's what I was getting, but didn't want to put it out there.... confirmation, though. Take it slow and easy.

I also touched my friend in the local area, PK. T warned me way off of her. Said, accurately, that PK has too many of the same traits and neediness of my ex. That it would be unlikely to be a health-based relationship, etc... "run away"... Well, I won't do that, but I will be cautious about going further or giving PK any wrong impressions.

Finally, I called T about a house I was considering bidding on and her strong advise was BUY.

Numbers look a bit tight.... but, it's a great opportunity. House is still available and the prospective deal is pretty good. Maybe $90k to 95k.

Interesting few weeks

My visit to the north was very nice. Got a nice connection going with the TC lady. I think we'll see more of each other. Over the course of Wed, Thu, and Saturday, we spent a total of 7 hours or so together. Much road traveled.... My intuitive counselor had told me this was a likely "soul mate"..... Well, that's gotten interesting.

You see, my TC friend came to MY town last Sunday night to go to the concert of her ex-BF, whom she'd had a bilateral, amicable breakoff with..... He's an extremely gifted classical guitarist. I went as well, and we all, she, him, me, and a mutual friend, and a couple other guys my friends knew, all went out afterward together..... A little odd, but not bad (she told me later she was slightly uncomfortable, but handled it. ).

So, the "getting interesting" soul-mate wise.... Well, Tuesday, over the course of the day, my upper right breast muscles began to ache and get sore. Sorer and sorer over the course of the day and evening. For no known reason. No lifting. Viral? Maybe.... But, I think it was a diredct connection with TC....

You see, I called her just after 10 p that night.... we only talked a few minutes before she began to share that she was alone in her house (son had gone to visit his sis) and she'd been experiencing wave after wave of intense grief over the ending of her relationship (of seven years).

I spent an hour and a half 0n the phone with her, then went to bed....

There, as I started to sleep, I realized that my soreness was about where another person's heart would be relative to me in a full body hug....

and that I had been physically manifesting HER broken heart over the course of the afternoon and evening.

That makes me speculate that the "soul mate" connection MIGHT be past-life / karmic in nature....

In other words, the universe is giving me NO hints about these women in my life... At least no hints that are useful!!

Sigh. /Pop

Falling in love?

Hmmmm..... My AA friend is confused and confusing me... I care about her deeply. I could fall in love with her, really easily.... Teetering on the edge sometimes....

We are very natural together. Very comfortable. More so than she sometimes realizes. SHE had a friend who saw us together and commented how "relaxed" she looked while with me.... clearly her friend thought she was seeing a great match....

Well, my friend is very trepidatious because of past hurts. And, I'm not sure she's entirely recognizing her own feelings.... She's close to falling for me, too. That could get really complicating....

Why do I think she's nearly in love.... well, if I don't call her every day, she calls me. We're very good friends, and parts of us want to be much more. She talks of the difficulties of being mixed race as a couple -- tests my comfort level with that.

But, the most telling is this. She is in a leadership position in her area and has experienced the deaths of two staff people she knew over the course of two weeks. AA cares deeply about her folks. I knew she was hurting, and that she could use some support. So I sent her a nice note of sympathy. Showed some deep caring (because I care deeply for her).... She got that note Friday night, went to the funeral on Saturday... and told me last night that all she was thinking about about there was me. The deceased had the same birthday as me. She also was the "only woman in a sea of men" -- which AA kind of correlated to me (having been the oldest of 4, 2 brothers, two sons, two step-sons....)

AA took the note as indicating that I was falling or in love with her (not quite, but I could...) What I DON'T think she's in touch with is that it's been SO LONG since she's allowed anyone into her universe, to care deeply and express loving concern..... that I do and express it makes some unfamiliar loving feelings arise for her....

But, this is really quite the challenge for me, as well..... I thought she would only get more involved if she was in a permanent, one-last relationship, etc..... but I'm not sure that's the case. I feel as if we're likely to go further than I had expected.... more than friends with benefits, but less than a full-blown, exclusive relationship.

I don't know how I feel about that. I think I need to be able to have the latitude to explore the possibilities with TC, but I don't want to abrogate my relationship with AA.

And, knowing that TC could really end up moving overseas in a couple of years, really puts a touch of concern and confusion into that possible relationship in my mind.....

Like I said, I thought my visit with TC would help clarify the pathway..... but nope!! Gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and just see where life leads me.

connections, possibilities, unclear pathways

Well, what an interesting few weeks. I just spent several days in the north country where I was able to make connections with an auld acquaintance, a greek woman I knew slightly a dozen years ago. I had stored memories and hopes, I suppose, about her, inside.... not sure why. Just did.

Well, we have visited now for a number of hours. Before we met FTF, we talked for a several hours by phone, an hour or so at a time, over the course of a few weeks. Just before I was to go to her neck of the woods, she happened to come into my area to lecture at the college, so we actually got our initial FTF over with a day sooner than expected, visiting over tea for over an hour and a half. Of course, THAT could have ended it right there. But it didn't!! When I got to her city the next day and called to check plans, to see if we were sticking to the plan to get together, she was more than interested. Picked me up, took me here and there showing me her office and her haunts. We spent two hours visiting and getting to know each other.

We had talked about maybe getting together again on Saturday, she cancelled an afternoon appointment.... she needs to do a bunch of CMEs though, and had decided she'd better work on those.... but, it was OK if we planned to have lunch. Well, I had things I should do, too, so an hour or so over lunch was going to be OK.

Well, I stopped by her office at noon as planned. She asked if I minded walking a while, she loves to walk and swim in the sunshine. So we walked together for nearly two hours before we stopped by a metaphysical / new age bookstore and hten went to lunch.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon or later before I took my leave..... Wow.

And she wanted to know when business might bring me back up.... and other remarks later when I called to let her know I was near to getting home, clearly showed a lot of interest.

Here's why... there MAY BE a strong karmic connection here. You see, it doesn't make complete sense that for 12 years or so, I've at least slightly kept track of her. Even more interesting, MY intuition / inclination and such to contact her coincided with when she was ending a 7 year relationship. (Holy shit, I just realized that ties into the 7 year cycling that my astrologer speaks of..... I'm in my 7/14 year from my latest failed relationship).

Anyway, it is facinating that when I began to think about trying to contact her, she was breaking off with her partner. Amicably. But, breaking off.

Then it gets a bit more complicated.....

One of the things that came into the conversation is that she plans to move back to Greece when her son graduates high school. 2 years hence. That's an odd twist to contemplate. Interestingly, my intuitive counselor asked me, "What's happening in two years?"

Well, there it is.... with my TC lady. Also a two year thing with my very good friend, maybe lover to be, in the nearby city (hour away). That friend AA, is retiring in 2 years. Both are women of color (Greek and African American, respectively). TC fits the picture my intuitive saw the best....

And, who knows....

I HAD hoped that this visit would make pathways clearer.... but, no such luck. LOL

Nice day

Spent today with my very good friend.... Very nice day.

Got tempted to violate my gentlemanly principles.... when it was getting about time to leave... so I did.... (leave, that is)

Life takes some interesting twists

I must say.

The other day, my intuitive counselor said she thinks I will be married again.... saw a woman in my future, "the one", with dark hair..... medium height. Maybe 130 lbs.... etc...

Eventually I gave her some info about my recently made best friend who lives in a town about an hour from me. There were lots of indicators that LC is the one.... but.... my counselor did wonder about "a son??".... I sloughed it off to LC being close to her neice and nephew....BUT....

I'm to visit a town in the north about 3 hours.... in a couple of weeks. Just on the off chance.... I found an address for a doctor I once knew -- a beautiful Greek woman -- physician.... I was smitten the very first time I saw her.....

Anyway, I dropped her a note.... figuring the chance that she would respond was pretty remote.... But, she did!! today when she received the note. She seemed very intrigued.

Bottom line is, we kind of have a date set for when I am in the area. And, her youngest child is a 16 y.o. boy....

So... one might just wonder.....

I'm really in a bit of a lather here.... I thought LC and I were headed in a very good direction..... I was entertaining notions that she's "the one", without getting too assumptive.....

But, now that MK has entered the picture.... I'm not sure where life is leading....

Guess we'll see. I have the privilege of sharing a brunch with LC tomorrow -- the first she's shared a Sunday with a man in a long time.....

We are developing feelings.... I know that.... But, who can tell where things will lead in this area or in the north country....

I'm absolutely blown away by all this.... completely....

Intuitive session

Went to my intuitive counselor again. What a warm, wonderful talent she is. And so beautiful --0 it is really difficult for me to leave that aside.... sigh....

Anyway, the crux of the reading was this.

M is continuing to try and suck energy, however she can. She needs an energy source, and I've been it. Wants me to try and have NO energetic connection with her for a solid week.

I need to cease allowing any connection especially on an energetic level. Close it. Lock it. Bar her. Visualization....

I've already begun to apply the advice, visualizing a vault door cracked open and leaking light / energy. I close it and lock it. It drifts open sometimes, and I do it again. I also am regularly visualizing the Enterprise under attack and the photons bouncing off the shields. Even as I write this.

TV also told me to do more to protect myself on the energetic level -- that M poses some dangers to me. Suggested I invoke the protections of the 4 archangels each day.

She also says she believes M to be very unstable and not to trust her. She was a little concerned about physical or other dangers to me. Suggested when I mentioned it that I probably should file the PPO.

We also talked that she's likely already met another man... dark haired, curlier -- not so nice as me ultimately. Confirmed this with the use of a pendulum.

On a more positive note, we also talked about my future relationship(s). She said she sees me married again. This time rightly. To an equal. A whole lady. Dark haired, maybe 5ft 3 or so, maybe 130#.... Eventually I gave her enough info to let us both know she is likely describing LC.

Said I am proceeding perfectly. Slowly. Letting trust build. Forging strong links in a chain. Need to be careful not to short-circuit anything.

I mentioned LC's desire that I "see others", and TV said that's not going to last long. Seemed to think that in a couple weeks, LC will be much more serious, and far less interested in my seeing others.... TV got goosebumps twice during the session -- usually indicating that the point in question is exactly right. From TV's vantage, it appears that LC and I are going to develop into that great love each of us would like to have. Cool.

As usual, drew an Angel card:

DIVINE TIMING!!!

Yow.

Have to let pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Don't skip or rush or the whole plan will lack a solid foundation. Pay attention to doors that are opening and shutting. Walk through those that open. Don't try to force those that are shut.

Not much reason to post lately

Business as usual. Last Saturday was a PITA when I went to the house to fix the mower and mow-- that gave M far more opportunity to engage with me than I wanted to allow. Lots of whining about money and what she has to do and all that.

Mostly, though, the contact has been almost nonexistent. I told her last week I wouldn't take / return her calls, and to the maximum extent possible I'm trying to stick to that.

Last night after work, her son went with me to try to muck out more of the garage. That gave her some more chances to act out with me -- she got pretty nutty and nasty. Her son didn't much care for it, and it was not lost on him that I tended NOT to start any conversation or engage in unnecessary interaction, no matter how much she tried to provoke me with nasty cracks, accusations and remarks.

Anyway, my lack of availability, response and all that is what it is. Whether it drives her crazy is NOT my problem.

I am actively trying to "shut down" to her on all levels including the energetic level. I may have to stop journaling about her at all in order to keep her out of any thoughts....

Angel cards today

Well, on a more interesting and positive note, this a.m. I up and decided to draw an Angel oracle card. I thought I was doing it in regard to the later interaction with M.... but, actually, what I drew was the Soulmate card.... and I realized that might very well be related to my very good friend, LC, that I've made... for whom and from whom some interest seems to be really developing.

In fact, I scribbled a quick note that I had been trying to think of M as I drew, but realized that LC had been crossing my mind all morning.... so....

But, there is also a transitional aspect to the card's meaning.

It says, "your prayer for a soulmate relationship is answered..."

The explanation goes on to talk about desiring a partner with a similar philosophy and common interests.... a great love.... Yet, it also talks of "If you are in a current relationship, your angels ask you to release this partnership to them..... they can help you to gently end it so that your new love may appear.....

Very very interesting.

I also felt like I should draw another card. Again, trying to draw re: M. This time, Friendship. Again, a mixed message -- speaking a bit to both relationships.... "Changes in your friendship are occurring..... appreciate the healing benefits of a true friend." "Not only is your life changing on the inside, but on the outside as well." It goes on to speak of transition (M) and finally says, "This card also signifies that you are ready to receive new friendships with people who mirror your interests and ambitions."

Wow.

I really feel like this is speaking a great deal to the prospective new relationship with my now, very good friend LC.... while also acknowledging transitions.... again

Wow.

Today's coffee

was also predictable, as she chewed on me for several different things, starting with not understanding how I can expect to do much maintenance in a couple hours a week. I told her I don't expect to and there's not all that much that's vital.....

Other yadayada

The really interesting part, though, was when I tried to tell her the speech -- don't love you, won't engage in further communication.... etc, etc.... Her first response was "So, you are abdicating your interest in the joint property??!!" "No. I still have a business interest and property interest. "

Anyway, she went on, "So, you have a girlfriend already?? Dating?? " "No, and I'm not dating" "Oh, you're just horny".... "Nope."

Anyway, then she went on to get a smirky look on her face.... and said something like, "Well, I've been intending to stop all this nasty stuff and move on..... I'm ready...." And sort of had this cat that ate the canary look on her face.....

My guess is that she's got, or think's she's got, someone waiting in the wings....

NOW, interestingly, her son just called and said that in the call HE just had with her, she practically said so..... saying something to him like, "L isn't going to have anything to do with me anymore.... But, I'm not going to have an problem meeting someone.... Maybe I already have...."

And her son said her could just visualize that look on her face that I told him about....

I told him the only thing that will bother me is if she has someone move in with her in MY house..... He said that wouldn't fly with him, either..... and I suspect he'd lay into her over that one....

We'll see what we see!!

Interesting few days

M had me really upset and bothered when yesterday she invited me to go to coffee and maybe to a local play.... Bothered me lots to have to deal with the aftermath if I turn her down, etc, etc....

Anyway, I did agree to have the coffee, because there were some conversations that have been put off a bit... But, I stopped and talked to another friend (lady, acquaintance) for some advice.

She really tore into me. Insisted that by trying to be kind, I was actually being mean. As someone else had told me, she insisted I needed to tell her unambiguously that I don't love her anymore, that I don't want see her, or go places with her.... and that I am no longer going to take her calls or return her voicemails, etc, etc. Yes, again, the good old "no contact rule" so familiar to us in the online support group.....

Anyway, I pretty much made up my mind to tell her that very thing at today's coffee....

Weird mood

I have a friend whose wife is in worse shape than M by some -- BPD comorbid with paranoid schiz. Serious breaks with reality this week. Awful situation.

My friendship that had been deepening with a peer from a town about an hour away, appears to have to be backed off on.... she started with some none too subtle verbal signals a couple days ago. I was home late last night, so I didn't call her. I chose not to call her tonight in an attempt to honor her apparent need, as I read it, for some distancing.

And, I spent $60 or so at the strip club and met an extremely beautiful young woman. 27 or 28 y.o. Blend of Spanish and Asian / island features. Great personality. Smart. Interesting..... I actually ended up giving her my contact info with the idea being we might get together some noon hour for coffee.... she's a senior at the University that I work for.... I don't need to get into her pants (I'd like to, though -- she is stunning -- so to say otherwise is a lie).... I'd just enjoy her company.

Oh, and I was supposed to have gone to the house today to take care of some stuff, but M started acting out yesterday / last night and it seemed that I was NOT allowed / or to go out... Didn't get an answer to my phone call or a call back.... So, of course, I'm feeling a little guilty. A little bit concerned about "the price I'll have to pay", and all that.... AND have studiously ignored an impulse to at least run by the house to check on things.... at least from the road.
Stupid, stupid idea -- taking responsibility that isn't mine.... I've managed NOT to do so, though!!

One month anniversary

Says she. Probably true. Anniversary of when I left the household.

That and the rough conversation we had yesterday p.m. seemed to be something she has stewed about.... 'cause I got a nasty VM around 3 p.m. -- usual accusations of emotional abuse (I think she's defining not answering her calls as abusive....) and of blaming her for everything.... and on and on and ont.

then, an hour plus later, I get calls that I take and it's about "doing a walk through" on the yard work, etc, as well as the need to do some maintanence on the lawn tractor....

sigh...

Apologies?! Indeed!

Well, M called last night, no VM and I didn't call back. Called again early in the day today, which I did return. She said, "Well, I was more up for this last night.... Anyway, I apologize for Wednesday night...."

Then she wanted to get all in to how offended she was over the things my son had said to her and all that. I didn't give her much on that. I told her the cause was her nasty phone message left in the first place. Had that not been made, S would not have had any conversation with her at all, no matter who called whom.

She still insists HE called her, and left a nasty message.... I just told her that the call logs would tell me who called whom.....

Of course, by the time I was at work, she called to demand to know how to see those call logs. Told her they are NOT available to her. Period.

That's because giving her access to hers would give her access to mine and who I talk to and for how long is NONE of her business. Of course, I didn't tell her that. Just that I would not provide the access. Period.

M's contact with my son S

Well, based on the call I got from my son, S last night, and then after hearing M's anguished and angry messages that later resulted, here's what I think I know.
5
Sometime around 8:00 to 8:30 p.m. last night (Sept 5) M called my son in Raleigh NC. Left him a VM accusing him of participating in MY (her imagined) hiding of money.... etc, etc... and apparently went on to carry on about how she was going to SUE him, get his house, and throw him and his wife and daughter OUT ON THE STREET. S says the message was 5 minute 14 seconds in length.

He was very angry when I got a hold of me, but I calmed him by convincing him he had nothing to gain by interacting with a "crazy person". He agreed NOT to call her, but warned me that if she called HIM, he would be extremely nasty to her. Extremely.

Well, her later messages of the night indicated that she HAD heard from S and gotten an earful. She seemed to claim that he'd left a VM message for her saying that she was "a terrible person, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker and a drunk". She left some angry and offended messages for me, but before she was done, she left sobbing and anguished messages about how "I'm NOT all the things he said I am.... " Plainly he hurt her as he intended.

BUT, my real concern had to do with whether HE had called HER or vice versa.

I talked with him this evening, and ascertained the following (which can be proved out when I next get a Verizon billing.....

M called him roughly 8:00 or so last night. Left a brief VM.
S called back, her phone was off, and he left a brief return message along the lines of "got your call, calling you back" or something, maybe a little ornery, but not offering much reaction.

She shortly after called again -- that call went to VM, and is the 5:14 (length) call referenced above.

And, according to S, later in the evening (not sure of the time) she called him again. HE'D had 3 beers or so -- took the call -- and laid into her in the extremely nasty manner he said he would. Very hurtful, and intended to be so.

I regret that happened, but OTOH, she brought it on herself. She never should have called him in the first place. For any reason. Had she NOT called again into the night, the diatribe he engaged in would not have occurred.

And, frankly, after having his home and family outright threatened, he had a right to be angry.

I'm noting this because I need to check the logs when the bill comes.

Log of # of calls

OK, I listened to 2 or 3 voicemails from M early in the evening. She's since called incessantly from her cell and from home.

At this point:

22 calls from ~ 5:00 p until 10:500p -- at times, every few minutes..... Ring. VM, call back.

17 voicemails which I may not even listen to.

absolutely awful.

this has got to stop

More acting out and all that

This evening has been a lot of additional acting out and compulsive behaviors out of Marilyn. She's called my cell incessantly. Worse, she called my son in NC and left a very threatening voicemail:

Apparently referring to the proceeds from the sale of her home in our previous town, she asserted that I had apparently stolen or otherwise misappropriated the money... who knows how... and informed my son that she thinks he probably helped me with that AND that she and her volunteer lawyer would be suing me and him and HE and HIS wife and child would be losing their home and out on the streets....

Got him really upset.

He settled down when I told him that I had included a request to bar contact with my family in the pending Personal Protection Order.

Still, she's again gone way the hell out there. Bad, bad news.

Hardball time!

Threats and more threats

M is threatening:

Do you think that a civil court is going to NOT notice that once your income significantly increased you no longer had any use for me and, further, went so far as to continue keeping me out of our "joint" finances so that you could spend all of my money and as little of your income on our joint and individual expenses as possible? Do you really think that I will NOT drag you through every legal venue I can in order for you to get the comeuppance you so sorely deserve? Do you not know that one of my very best qualities (to your detriment) is being tenancious? Have you considered what could very well happen to your job once all of what you have done becomes common knowledge? I certainly would not want you to be my blue collar union president once all of what you have done to me comes to light. Have you thought about those ramifications?

Do the math. The paltry sum that you have contributed for the past year or so has put me in a position of having no reserve resources at all. What you have done with your money is your business, I suppose, and it's too bad that you have little reserve to show for it... but you have and always have had very bad spending habits....


Now, the fact of the matter is, I moved nearly $15000 from my personal account to the joint account during the last half of the year. $3600 more from my savings then and since.

And though she doesn't care to face facts, I've paid plenty of joint and my bills out of my personal checking. Plenty.

She imagines a bunch of squandering or some misappropriation of assets -- she can look all she wants. Neither happened. So there is nothing to find.

Now the threats have started

I suppose it was inevitable. The threats, veiled and direct both, have started over the last few days. I quit calling her or responding sometime around Tuesday or Wednesday after she got rude and incivil in her tone and messages. That lack of contact, even negative interactions, drives her crazy - but that's not my problem. It's hers.

But, as a result, over the last day and a half she's taken to leaving me voicemails that threaten to "expose" my financial improprieties or something. There isn't anything to expose, but she's trying to act like there is.

She talks of a paper trail. Of incriminating evidence. Of going to my employer's HR dept with ??? Of the possiblity that "you'll lose your cushy position."

Accusations of "spending all my disability money on yourself"

on and on.

Facts won't bear her out.

She left a firm demand, many times, that "you call me BY 9:00 a.m. and plan to have a serious discussion about all the financial issues by 10 a.m." yadayada

I simply voicemailed back that I got her threatening phone calls and would not be responding at this time due to the need to keep my head clear for my job duties.

Guess we will see whether she's going any further or not.

I think I have called her bluff and she's got nowhere to go with this crap!!

Last night

I deliberately ignored M's phone calls through the evening and night. She was going pretty crazy. Power was out again, briefly, so she was going ape-shit over that. Then crazy over "where are you? " "XX is at the topless club maybe" and on like that.

Truth of the matter was, I spent a night relatively alone... well, not exactly. I stopped at my son's bar and had a beer and a sandwich. Then his girlfriend's bar (not hers, but she tends), then headed home to my apartment.

Spent lots of time talking to my very good friend who is both trying to help me transition and who is really finding herself challenged by her own (unspoken) feelings that are developing toward me.

I'm interested. But at the right time.... however, strong as she is, I keep having to reassure her that at the moment all we're headed into is a close friendship.

I even promised NOT to outright ask her out "on a date" (as opposed to going out with a friend....) until the year turns.....

Meanwhile, M kept going crazy. Called and called. Left numerous messages. Few that I kept.

She finally quit. Apparently went back home and found the electricity back on. Then emailed me to complain that the WIFI was messed up at the moment.... Sigh.


I see this a.m. that she called 3X around 1:30a.m. without leaving any messages. Glad the phone is somewhere I don't hear it.

Excellent Blog entry from a BP

One of the folk on the online support group posted this. Unattributed, so I can't go see what else this BPD person might have posted....
Oh, found it: http://theshapeofdays.com/

Blog
Sunday, August 5, 2007, 8:12 am
How do you put a title on something like this?
For the past year and a bit, I've actively avoided writing anything
too personal on this Web site. Which is ironic, as it originally
started out as a sort of public diary. It was an outlet of sorts, a
place to write about stuff I couldn't talk to anyone about.

But with time, things changed. I gained a microscopic speck of
notoriety for some articles I published here back in the fall of
2004. The set of people who read this site and the set of people I
actually know in real life began to overlap. This site began to have
professional implications for me; I could conceivably get or lose
jobs because of this site.

So I clammed up. I stopped writing about my life and started writing
about things.

I can't do that any more. This morning I'm going to write a post that
I've been putting off writing for … god. For years and years. My
whole life, it seems.


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----------

Some of my friends know this already. Like, two of them. I think.
Others may have guessed. Most, particularly my casual acquaintances,
probably have no idea.

I have a mental illness. It's very serious.

It's called "borderline personality disorder." The reason they call
it "borderline" is because it's right there on the cusp between
normal and psychotic. Yeah, I said psychotic. Due to a brain defect
or malfunction, psychotic people perceive the world in a
fundamentally different way from normal people. Psychotic people
might hallucinate or they might not, but the defining characteristic
is what the doctors call a profound disconnect from reality. What
they think is going on isn't actually what's going on.

My problem — I don't have a good word for it; call it a disease,
handicap or disability and my eyes roll — my problem is a little
different from that. I also have a profound disconnect from reality.
But I'm aware that I have it. That's what puts me on the borderline,
rather that right in the middle of psychosis.

The defining characteristic of my whatever-you-want-to-call-it is an
inability to form and maintain normal human relationships. Romantic,
platonic, social, professional, whatever. I have a deep-seated fear
of abandonment. I often feel betrayed for no reason. I believe that I
am a worthless human being, and consequently doubt that anyone could
actually desire my company/love me/enjoy talking to me at a party, et
cetera. Out of fear of losing personal bonds, I push people away as a
defensive reaction. See, I think they're just going to abandon me
anyway, so fuck `em.

I go through periods of uncontrollable rage. That is to say, the rage
is uncontrollable. I get angry for no good reason, or at best for a
very, very insignificant reason, and it doesn't go away readily. I'm
not dangerous in any meaningful sense, at least not to others. But I
can be very difficult to be around.

My mood swings have been clocked as being faster than the speed of
sound. Believe me, if we could find a way to harness my mood swings,
we'd never have to burn a drop of oil again.

During times of extreme stress, I experience what the doctors call
dissociation. I sort of lose control of my thoughts and actions. I
see myself from the outside, with no conscious control over what I'm
saying. I find that I've said things I never meant to say, never
should have meant to say. It's an extremely difficult sensation to
describe, and an extremely unpleasant one to experience.

I was talking to a friend — one of the two people — recently. She
asked me, "If you realize this is going on, why can't you just not do
it?" I think I laughed, though I didn't mean to be rude. It's the
most obvious question in the world. It's just that the answer is also
obvious, if difficult to understand. The part of my brain I would
ordinarily use to make judgments and draw conclusions is the very
part that's affected by this problem. I can't just don't-be-like-that
because my brain literally doesn't work that way.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible
of sorts for the study of the mind, compiling the sum total of human
understanding — such as it is — of psychiatry, includes a nine-point
checklist of characteristics that mark a person who may have a
borderline personality. I score eight out of nine. That's the best
score I've gotten on a test since high school.

Here's the bad news. My problem is essentially incurable. There's no
pill for it. There's no universally, or even widely, effective
combination of drugs and psychotherapy. I am extremely resistant to
therapy or counseling because I have such serious problems developing
trust. I am the best liar you've ever seen. On the worst day of my
life I can tell you I'm fine, even great, and make you believe it.
Because I'm so afraid you'll abandon me — where "you" is a friend,
lover or somebody trying to help — because you see me as different,
less normal, less whole, less … lovable.

Being the way I am has cost me nearly every job I've ever had. It's
cost me nearly every relationship, of any type, I've ever had. It's
gotten me into so much financial trouble that I can't even imagine,
much less see, a way out. It has, in a very real sense, ruined my
life. Sorry for the melodrama, but I'm just trying to explain this as
best I can.

I'd like to take a sidebar here and say that this is an extremely
difficult post to write. My curse, if I can be allowed a moment of
self-pity here, is that I've got this extremely serious and, yes,
life-threatening disorder of the brain, but I'm left aware and
rational enough to understand the stigma associated with it, and to
fear being treated as a disabled person rather than just as a person.
This, in a nutshell, fucking sucks.

So why am I doing this? Why am I "coming out" like this? The honest
answer is that I don't know what else to do any more. I've tried
everything I've ever known how to try. I've gone to the emergency
room seeking admission as a psychiatric inpatient. (I do not
recommend this, by the way, unless you think spending twelve hours
handcuffed to a chair next to a drooling meth addict is lots-o-
laffs.) I've attempted to confide in friends. I've been on drugs —
the prescription kind, I mean. I've seen therapists. I've even
prayed, back before the Almighty — if He even exists — stopped taking
my calls.

So now I'm screaming in the dark.

Maybe there's somebody out there. Maybe there's somebody out there
who's like me. Somebody who's learned to live and function with this
… ugh. This handicap, for lack of a better word. Maybe that person
will send me an e-mail with a magic incantation for surviving with
this.

Or maybe I'll be that person for somebody else. Maybe some twenty-
year-old girl is sitting out there right now, in the wee hours of a
Sunday morning, crying in her dorm room and wondering why she can't
be like everyone else. To that person, whomever and wherever you are,
I don't have any answers. I'm sorry. I don't really believe, deep
down, that anyone does. I probably can't be your friend, just like
you can't be mine. People like us can't really have friends, not in
the long run. But understand that you are not alone. I'm in this too.
Right there with you.

Maybe that'll help somebody.

I honestly don't know.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

So what do I need? I honestly don't know. I need to feel like I
matter. Like the things I do have meaning. Like people are affected
by me in a positive way. I need constant reassurance. It's pretty
pathetic, really. Emotionally, I'm a lot like I child. I need
positive attention, and when I'm not getting it — even for just an
hour — I feel like I don't deserve it and will never have it again.

A defining characteristic of people like me is that we're incapable
of seeking positive attention in socially acceptable ways. "Hey, do
you wanna go see a movie?" is impossible for me, because all my brain
allows me to see are the obstacles in the way. Of course you don't
want to go see a movie with me. I'm a pain in the ass. I'm impossible
to be around. I react strangely — intensely positively or intensely
negatively — to anything that happens. Of course you don't want to
sit next to me in a dark movie theater for an hour and a half.
Obviously. And if you say no? If you're not interested in seeing a
movie, or you have other plans? Well, that just confirms everything I
suspected all along.

And dating? Please. Don't even talk to me about dating. Not an option.

This isn't my choice. It's how my brain works. And the fact that I'm
aware of it doesn't mean I can just make it stop, because the part of
my brain that I would otherwise use to make it stop is the part
that's malfunctioning. Being self-aware doesn't cure it. At best, it
mitigates it, and during the worst times it can't even do that.

So what do I need today, right now? I don't know that either. Today
is going to suck. Send me an e-mail. Leave a comment here. Tell me
you understand. Tell me you don't understand and ask me questions. If
you don't hear back from me in an hour, send me another e-mail and
say "Hey, asshole, write back to me." And keep doing it until I
believe that you actually give half a damn.

Or don't. Just go hug your kids or something. Tell them they're good,
and that you love them. Tell them that you love them even when you're
not telling them that you love them. Maybe by doing so — I have no
reason to believe this; I'm just making this up as I go — but maybe
by doing so, you'll prevent somebody else from growing up to be like
me.

House key?!?!

One of the ridiculous exchanges tonight was over her demands that I tell her how to change the keypad # and to turn my house key over to her.

On the latter, I flat-out told her NO. I've half of the house, and I should have the resources necessary to enter or otherwise inspect the property.

the next a.m., I did help her try to reset the garage door code....

and I half offered to pass my key on to her sister....

Such fun tonight

Well, I went over tonight -- supposed to be to go over some financial stuff and questions and to finish mowing the lawn...

Naturally, she had to start in on other stuff first. I kept trying to get to why I was there, but she had to carry on -- I frankly don't recall the details -- only that we didn't cover all that much of what I THOUGHT I was there for.

I did cover some important areas: the amount of $$ I've moved to joint accounts, per my records, the deposits into the stock account (and the lack of withdrawals thereof) as well as the current valuation (hey, looks like about an 8% return annually, and that's with the market low over the last few weeks.)

Anyway, I have a little recall of one stupid-ass thing she carried on about. Seems the nightstand area from my (former) side of the bed got all cleaned up. I recall doing it one day, but not when.... Well, SHE'S decided that I must have been in the house WITHOUT permission when I did that bit of cleanup.

I wasn't (but I don't really recall when I did clean it up). But, she's really convinced herself that the only explanation is that I was there when she wasn't and without her permission.

She's wrong, but can't seem to hear me explain otherwise. I haven't been in the house, or even on the premises without her approval ever since she demanded that.

Weird evening - weird take on a picture

M showed me a pic from 3 or 4 years back -- From left to right:

my dad, M, my older stepson's G.F. at the time, her dad, me, my mom.

My mom is clearly squeezing me and laying her head on my chest to show her continued affection after all these years.

M has a different take, and not for the first time offered an Oedipal opinion.

What a crock.

M keeps trying to claim that my mom and I are "too close" etc, etc,

She really got to outrageous when she called out the door, as I was leaving, "When your Dad dies, your MOM will be crawling into YOUR bed."

Amazingly offensive!

Contentious day

I had coffee and went over the Sunday paper and ads with M this a.m. at the coffee shop. Had lunch on my own, and headed out by about 1:00 to do some of my "duty" around the place. Was supposed to be soapmaking and cleaning junk out of the garage and basement.

But, after I got there and put a few things away, I asked, "What first? Soapmaking?"

M, "We need to chat." Not quite emphatically, but a little pushed. That was without forewarning or arrangement, so I reacted -- negatively, and showed my irritation with an "oh great" or some such, and put the deck chair down rather hard. Sat. Yes, I was clearly peeved.

That, of course, set her completely off and had her way up on the rage and anger scale. Pretty much lasted the whole day, although some ended up more passive than aggressive.

Too, too typical. Ultimately it became obvious that the important issue was having some kind of additional con con about finances. I finally set that for tomorrow after work. That way I KNOW IN ADVANCE!!

Afraid of your partner (msg from online support group)

From my online support group:

I don't think that's weird to feel afraid of your bp! It is normal
to fear being hurt. And MB you hit the nail on the head "what kind
of a relationship is that if you're actually scared of your partner?"
It is an unhealthy relationship! In my opinion, I think we all want
to be loved and accepted and cared about - and a bp can't do that for
us because they can only care about themselves; I think they have no
other way to live with themselves and what they've done to us but to
walk away (too much shame & guilt?)

We nons walked into a relationship with a person we THOUGHT was able
to reciprocate - and it wasn't until after they'd repeatedly hurt us
and we went so long without our emotional needs being met that we lost
ourselves in the process. NOW the journey for us nons is to recover
ourselves - find our way onto a path of healing, education (SWOE) and
rediscovery of our 'little child' so that we can approach life and
another partner (possibly) with a healthy, strong and overflowing with
love heart.

Here is a (HUG) for all who are hurting today....

Wavering

I am really wavering about the continual interactions that working around the house, preparing product for craft shows, doing the shows, and all that is going to entail.

I don't find her getting terribly reasonable... she's really getting quite nasty about the financial side of things. She's also managed to pretty well offend her sister and so on.

She's become so difficult so much that I'm tempted to tell her "Look, we can only deal in writing or in public places."

I had been willing to help with the craft show stuff out of concern and continued "rescuing" no doubt. Been trying to "be noble" and put her in as good a position as I can while being fair to myself.

But, it's not fair to me to tolerate so much abusive interaction with her. And, of course, when I react in kind -- then I'M the one being nasty or having an attitude, etc, etc, etc....

Getting old really quick!!

Poor, poor M #2

So, I was SUPPOSED to run out and take her to the furniture store (reluctantly) this a.m.. Good sale. Great opportunity to replace the furniture she HATES so much (at my expense, I'm sure). BUT, the power is still out, so she had a terrible attitude. All bristly and angry. More than I was really willing to tolerate by much. But, I made the offer anyway. She refused -- won't go out without a shower, etc.... Not a sponge bath. Just gonna hang around in her PJs feeling sorry for her lot in life.

Poor poor M.

So, I did the only practical thing I was really there for: unloaded the freezers and dumped the "trash" items from the good ones, and brought the freezer stuff that's good over to my apartment and put that stuff in my freezer.

All I can do for now.

Poor, poor M

Electricity is out at the house, again. Storm. Second time this week and she is climbing the walls. OUTRAGED that I didn't come out there to sit around in the dark with her.

Demanded I get a hotel room for her, then refused to go when I booked it.

More interested in blaming and engaging me negatively.

But I bought into very little of it.

But, she IS pissing me off in a pretty big way at this point.

After last night, where she upbraided me and accused and carried on, then settled, then promised she wasn't going to call my phone continously.... and then did so....

Yeah. I'm just a little pissed off at this point.

And, she expects me to put it ALL ASIDE and go and buy new living room furniture tomorrow.

Beyond belief.

typical phone calling pattern

Well, one of the last things she said to me, I think on the phone just after I pulled out of the driveway last night (and after we were "back on friendly terms" after her lengthy diatribes), she said, "I'm not going to call you continuously tonight... but I just needed to tell you this one more thing.... yadayadayada"

Well, surprise, surprise. Call log shows like 9 calls from her between midnight and 1:30 or so. Another this a.m. around 6.

And I'm supposed to believe that if I lived out there in the other room, the "apartment" to be, etc, etc, that she would leave me be and not harass me. That's really difficult to swallow.

Continual acting out

Last night, I went to the house "as planned" but it was too hot to do soap making. Instead, she took the opportunity to harass me greatly about more financial stuff. More accusations. More demands. More threats.

It ended up being the usual cycle, where she had to blow and blow and blow -- including legal threats.

Anyway, the latest wrinkle on that front was that she's claiming the lawyer family friend has agreed to represent her for free, and she (don't know about him) is now trying to pursue all these claims on a "partnership" or "business partner" basis.

It's nonsense, and I don't believe they'd get anywhere. OTOH, I have to think about the variety of ways she might use and misconstrue any further info I give her, compared to the wrongheaded conclusions she's coming up with on her own.

Oh, and more about how "You can't deduct ALL the interest on the house if you're NOT living in it." (never mind I've not changed my legal residence, and can certainly construe that I'm living temporarily elsewhere...." )

And never mind that if SS or the Disability Co were to examine HER situation, they'd very likely cut her off and hold that she'd been malingering for some time....

I really don't think a pissing match is all that useful.

Facinating date possiblity

I've developed a really good supportive friend with a woman I have been in leadership with in our parent organization. She's trying to be my "life" and "dating"coach as I go through this transitional stage I am going through.

But, here's where it get's interesting. She is ALL that M is not. Whole, in and of herself. Emotionally healthy, I'm pretty sure. Independent as all get out. Her own woman. In fact, in a very real way, in her world (a city an hour from me) she's "larger than life."

There are definitely some aspects of getting involved with her that are daunting. One will know exactly where one stands with her, I'm sure. She's real comfortable telling someone to fuck off!

Anyway, as we've talked and shared and begun to really get to know each other, I'm trying to be careful not to jump to any conclusions or suppositions.... But, it really has become apparent that she's a little attracted to me, as I am to her.

She's also scared to get back into the dating game, and a little self-doubtful about her prospects and / or having "a bad track record" with relationships.

In a number of ways, I noticed a ways back that she'd been really trying to carefully direct my prospective dating thoughts ELSEWHERE. ("I'm 55" she'll say. "You need a woman who's like 45 and...."

Anyway, she is a super strong woman, yet I heard some interesting vulnerability tonight. Plainly trying to be careful to be a friend and a support, but not get into a situation where she might get burned, etc.

So, for my part, I told her, "Look, I'm in a transition. I need to get healthy in and of myself before I start trying to date anyone....."

I also explained the "bugaboo" I tend to have in making good, close friends with a woman and then being unwilling to take the chance of fucking up the friendship by introducing the weird dynamics of dating and romance.

I told her I don't know where that may lead, in regards to her. But for now, I was going to treasure this close supportive friendship, and I'll worry about the other possibility in good time.

And, I also let her know I already realized a while back she's a bit scared of getting involved / dating again..... She was actually kind of floored. "How did you know that?" I just told her that I read people really well.

The real truth of it is that I've picked up on her being interested / attracted. And, I've also observed that she's been trying to "redirect" thoughts and plans that I might have regarding dating and involvements -- away from her, and toward theoretical "others".

Anyway, bottom line is she's attracted to me and actively trying support me and NOT go beyond that for now.....

What to make of some of this

Well, yesterday, she spewed and spewed, then settled down and we had a civil afternoon and dinner. The day started out harsh because her kid had had a minor spinout accident that really screwed up his girlfriend's car, and his head. Mom had to go pick him up and the whole thing got her quite rattled.

When I went out to the house, she had lots of venom and carrying on.... as I said.

Tonight was similar. I had intended to go out for a short time, but she had to fuss and complain and prattle about lots of things. She especially got torqued off about looking back at old C.U. statements and finding that I spent nearly $500 at the strip club last year when she was out of town...

But, interestingly, once she got done spewing and carrying on, she settled into a more civil exchange... then got horny and expressed a desire. Another "NSA" offer. THIS time with a clear understanding that she NOT EVER allow physical discomfort during sex to occur without any communication to deal with it.

So, we did make some very very nice love. Appears to be she is finding a comfort level with being at least occasional lover (fuck buddies?)

I also during the evening before, mentioned that rhetorically, I had to wonder about how it would work if we were living in the same house, as roomies (as she advocates) and either of us started getting involved with other people....

She didn't know, although she later mentioned that there are LOTS of things about the house and household that demand attention (implication being: who will have time for others...?)

Anyway, this time I really do thing the lovemaking was comfortable, exciting and will be a good memory as opposed to what some of the memories have been.

Today - just plain weird

Journaling about today while it's fresh enough in my mind.

Usual VM and text messages waiting this a.m.

Telephone conversations - nondescript as far as I recall, except the one where she asked me to run by and check out the dogs at the pound.... Odd.

When I got out to the house, she was clearly depressed and dysfunctional. Laying about in bed. Looking somewhat physically ill, but apparently it's primarily emotional dysfunction. No surprise.

I had to go round with her just a little, but got her to back down some as I pointed out I had to either do what I was around the house for, or argue with her or go back to my apartment. I finally went on to my business.

I should add that she talked to her sis just before I got there, bitching and moaning about me not being out yet, etc, etc.

But, not long after I started, by maybe 1:00p, she had come down for a moment, poured herself a tall Black Russian. And proceeded to tell me that there "is just no talking with you...."

I worked in the yard for the remainder of the p.m. without incident.

Later in the afternoon, she talked to me about the next-door neighbor lady, filing for divorce, who needs a good job. Wanted me to watch postings.

I went out and finished what I was doing, and when I came back in she was talking to sis again. About 15 minutes later she finished, got off the phone, and AGAIN, asked me to watch for postings for the neighbor lady. She clearly already had no memory of the previous conversation.

The reason was clarified when I talked with her sis shortly after. Sis told me that she noted in her conversation with M that she was talking with a great deal of slur, so she asked outright, "Marilyn, have you been drinking a lot or something, because you're slurring and very hard to understand." M told sis, NO (not quite true) but that she'd taken an Ambien. Sis said, "Isn't that to make you sleep? " "Yes". "then why aren't you sleeping?"

Meanwhile, afterwards, M and I had to have another round -- over I don't know what. Partly about the play tonight (she clearly wasn't up to going out).

After I left, I hadn't gotten to the end of the drive before she was ringing my cell phone. Had many other calls as well before she quit. All kinds of crap.

Then, last to note, about 7:40p, she sent a nice lovey text message. But, by an hour later, she was back to sending pissy ones.

All quite predictable.

Metaphysical casts

Well, once in a while I'm in the mood and I cast the healing runes and / or Angels Oracle cards. Yesterday before leaving to meet M, I did both.

Interesting casts.

Runes first:
Body = Patience
Mind = Anger
Spirit = Gratitude (inverted, but not isn't supposed to have meaning with these runes).

The reading seems to indicate that as someone who shows endless patience for others, it is time to show patience for myself. The starting place for healing and recovery is always the self. Take time to give myself patience. Be grateful for my progress along the path of growh and healing. "This too shall pass" is another part. Lastly, patience has its healthy limits. If in your present situation you have been patient too long, then Patience is no longer a virtue. Amen!! says I.

For the mind - Anger, the challenge is to take that powerful energy and treat it as an ally in healing -- a wake-up call for change. It also indicates it is time to let go of anger, but even more, to give up the old and wait patiently for the new to be revealed in its proper time. Don't grudge the anger, but see if you can find a safe passage that leads from the present situation to a place of harmony and peace.

Spirit - Gratitude -- Be grateful to find yourself in the company of peopoe who are supportive of your life. Count your blessings. If you are beginning to heal, be thankful that you have begun. Live in gratitude and quiet joy. From deep within, know Gratitude for having survived the anguish of the past. And for each daily victory.


The Angel Oracle was equally interesting!

3 card cast, Past, Present, Future.

Past - Signs -- the angels are trying (or have been) to get my attention -- one has asked for a sign and they've been trying to deliver it. Trust the signs.

Present - Manifestation -- "You have manifested new opportunities and abundance." The rewards you hope for -- feelings of peace, security, and happiness -- are manifested exactly as you requested. Have faith in your ability to manifest.

Future - Listening -- "You are in communication with your angels. And the messages that you are receiving are very real indeed. Trust them." This card is a validation that you are hearing. Listen and trust. Give up your doubts and worries to divine guidance.

To me, the Angel oracle and the runes are both confirming that I have struck out on the right path. Difficult as it will be to follow at times. It is the right way and the right thing.

Last couple days

were interesting and predictable.

Thursday, M called me in the p.m. with a "proposition" to go to a benefit concert as friends who both would enjoy the broadway music. Well, it turned out to be movie music, lots of love songs, most of which we have a history with -- with mucked with her emotions!! On the 40 minute drive home, she said, "I want you to know this wasn't bad, but it was hard. ". The prefix to going out was a light supper and attempts by her to engage me in questions that should not have been put considering it was supposed to be entirely friendly and social. I got frustrated but not angry. Afterward we shared some sparkling wine without much incident.

Yesterday a.m., she'd left two pleasant voicemails wishing me well. So, I called her on my way to work (trying to apply her advice that a little light contact is better than cutting her off -- which tends to result in her acting out compulsively with excessive phone attempts and such). Well, my friendly call back to her ended up clearly being a mistake because she couldn't resist but to start poking her head into things she shouldn't. When I started to react and wanted her to back off, she kept on -- which put me in a very sour and angry mood. Then my phone battery died, so she thought I hung up on her.... etc, etc.

Made for a very tense start of the day. I did manage to call her back later about something else without a lot of tension or incident.

But, again, my mistake, she had mentioned being in town in the late p.m., so maybe we could get together briefly. So as my day came to a close, I called her. Well, she was in a really really bad mood, was poor company. Clearly struggling with the new realities (no surprise, that).

I told her outright that if she didn't feel like getting together after all, she should have just said so. After I finally left, she did phone and leave me apologies, although with a complaint about how apologizing seems to be all she'd done all day long. Somehow that tempers the sincerity.

Frustrating but not surprising

Color me frustrated but not surprised. As I posted here last week, I've moved out and into my own place. Predictable reactions from my STBX. I actually ended up early in the game having to have her picked up into protective custody and evaluated as far as mental illness and danger to herself by the community mental health people.

Since that "shock", she briefly turned around and we had a civil, even cordial weekend....

BUT, I've frankly made a point of NOT engaging in some of the "expected" behaviors and responses. For instance, yesterday I saw her or heard from her 3 times, all of which were civil enough, I think. The last contact was when she called to offer me the use of our jacuzzi tub at the house (I strained some muscles Sunday)... .which I thanked her for, and then proceeded NOT to do.

She, predictably, is trying to initiate / promote as much interaction and engagement with me as possible. I recognize the behaviors and am trying really hard to ONLY take care of vital business. (We own a house together and a business, so I may have no choice in some matters but to be in her neck of the woods, etc, etc).

While predictable, it is frustrating as hell!!

Today as been terribly tense. No surprise there. I was SUPPOSED to go over and mow the lawn and take some minor inventory. BUT, a friend called me last night and invited me to dinner tonight. Right now, I'd rather go where the SUPPORT is, rather than keep putting myself in jeopardy of either an argument or of hoovering.


I know many advocate having NO contact once you leave the relationship.... Well, while I'm trying to be as civil as I can be, she may rapidly force me to take a hard line.

Gee, wouldn't that be just too bad!!

Gotta get used to it

Gotta get used to setting up my own house and being on my own time and direction....

will be a little weird.

Her hope -- Controlled Separation

By the time I was back out to the house on Sat at 10a as I agreed (post-evaluation as well), M had hauled out our copies of "Should I Stay or Should I Go". A book about "Controlled Separation" where a couple separates with specific understandings and rules and such (like how much they will / will not see each other, whether either will date, how long the "trial separation" will go before a "redetermination" about the continued need.... etc.

I knew what she was doing.....

She also used the opportunity that I (perhaps foolishly) provided by being there and agreeing to take her to the grocery, as she is still a bit hobbled and all, to interact with me in a more intimate conversational way -- covering a lot of ground she'd wanted to for some time, and ending up with her feeling listened to, etc, etc....

All in all, the overall weekend ended up quite cordial -- although with many admonitions from me about "not setting any precedents" and that sort of thing.

She even deeply desired and initiated a round of NSA sex. Which I relented about, as her previous memory of "the last time" was one I wanted to replace.....

Friday

Catch up entry

Friday early, early a.m., M apparently talked near-suicidal stuff with the boy in AZ, and HE called the Sheriff dept here to check on her.

The deputies showed up while she was on the phone with her sis, whom earlier in the conversation, had also been treated to suicidal talk (sis was quite upset).

Meanwhile, after M successfully dealt with the deputies and sent them away -- she continued to leave troubled / troubling voicemails for me through the mid-day -- approaching suicidal in tone and message.

SOOO, I ended up by mid-p.m. at Community Mental Health and at court to pursue an order(s) regarding a "Person Requiring Treatment" as well as a supplemental order for the immediate situation to have law enforcement take M into protective custody and to CMH for immediate assessment.

Of course, the trouble with doing that with a BPD person, esp. one so high functioning as M, is that once the alcohol and/or drugs are out of the system, they present really well.

She was picked up by about 7:30p, and returned home by 2:20 a.m.

But, the break gave me an opportunity to pack up more clothes and other precious items, as well as to locate the various items she had appropriated -- including the checks she stole while dysphoric and acting out.

The whole thing, by Saturday into the day, did a lot to turn her thinking around for awhile, as we ended up with lots of talk and being quite cordial through Sat p.m. and evening. Right down to having some great break-up sex.

What a day

What a day. What a day.

Of course, M has been every bit as volatile as expected. Even went beyond the pale in ways that surprise all of us (her sis, her son, and me.)

He son had borrowed my truck. In her "anguish" she called and asked him to come out to the house. Well, long story short, turns out (per a conversation she later had with her sis) that while the truck was out at the house and J was napping or not paying attention (and being in the country, hadn't locked the truck).... seems M did some thorough snooping.

Found and copied my lease agreement. Found notes on a yellow sheet that she presumes include a possible address for me (actually, it shows the addresses of my landlord....) and a name of a female union member that had called me (being female.... well, you know where HER head went).

She also took the extra key that was in the console.

Worst of all, (and this vindictiveness surprised her sis) she apparently found my check book and took "random checks."

I've warned the boy, seeing as after I "discover" the theft, the only obvious suspects are him or his mother.... well, I'm inclined to stop by the sheriff's dept tomorrow and at least fill out a report....

Oh, and supposedly she's got a locksmith from a nearby little town coming out to change the locks.....

Almost, but not quite, unbelievable.

BPD love? probably not

another astute observation posted on the online support group:

Love to a BPD is not an emotion or feeling, but is their playing a
role (mimicing) of what they have been taught or have seen to be
"love". The only emotion the BPD feels is a sense of elation that
their abandonment fears are quelled - but this elation is only
temporary, as once anything a non may do that may cause the BPD to
believe that abandonment may occur (for example, the non does not
agree with everything the BPD says), the BPD's elation will turn to
rage or detachment, and they will split. A holiday or job loss can
also cause the BPD to split and turn against the non. The BPD must
live in a very coddled world where nothing ever changes. They are
emotional infants. They are fakers, and cannot feel love; they exibit
loving traits to reel in another lover to keep the BPD from being
alone and facing their BPD internal emptiness. Components of love are
trust and respect - your BPD probably appeared to not trust or respect
you after the initial glow of elation/infatuation
faded. That's your answer. That was not love, but dependency on the
BPD's part. For you to ask this question means that you have
compromised your values, and settled for less than love. You have to
re-establish your own boundaries after you have been through the
torment of loving a BPD.

T and a BP person

Q: posted on the online support group (I emphasized the part that especially struck me and seemed germane to my life)

I am trying to hope for the best but really am
expecting the worse, what are your thoughts on
therapy?


D M,

My thought is that therapy works only if the person
seeking therapy wants to get better.

Therapy for BPs amounts to asking a small child to eat
a bowlful of spinach...while there is candy within his
reach...quite a challenge.

To BPs....therapy can be real effort or going through
the motions. I think its up to you to not wait another
20 years to figure out which occurs. If there is real
effort, you will see evidence of growth...you will see
NEW things...the scent of new flowers will fill the
air.

But, if its "going through the motions," you'll see
the same donkey droppings you've seen for the last 20
years packaged up in a nice new box with a fancy bow
on it...

Rely on your senses...sniff around...your nose will
know.

Today the sh** hit the fan

I had my place to go ready. I had somewhat prepared for "the talk". I've been deliberately detaching and staying somewhat at arms-length....

As this week has gone one, she'd gotten more and more "lovey" -- certainly because of the roles being correct -- lots of caretaking on my part.....

Last night after work, she wanted a "meaningful kiss" which told me she was starting to feel amorous. Well, I wasn't about to step on THAT spiderweb. I'm pretty sure she went to bed / sleep with an attitude. Certainly woke up with one.

She FORCED the conversation I had intended to delay until at tomorrow (maybe Sat).... So, I laid it out for her -- I have my own place now. I've made my arrangements. I won't be staying at the house anymore....

Now, of course, the intense cycling of emotions has begun....

Too bad she doesn't call her T and too bad she's not really engaged in effective therapy....

Love or addiction?

Another bit of wisdom from my online support group:

You know in your heart it is bad for you, but you do it anyway. It
hurts and is killing you, yet you miss it and want it to return. It
is the only thing that is really important to you. You tell yourself
that it could be like it was before, that you need them. That they
will love you. That you love them. You look into every crack and
crevice for them. When you see a car that looks like theirs your heart
jumps. You read stuff in what they send that is not there and ignore
the truth that is. This my friends is not love, It is addiction.

About there

I think, think, think, I have all of the basics at the apartment now. Bedclothes. Breakfast stuff. Toiletries, TV, etc.... enough clothes to get by at first.

I think I'm ready -- except for preparing for the "difficult conversation". But, that will get handled and handled appropriately.

I'm ready and anxious to move on this and get it done with. Into the next phase of life, where I can do my job, do it well, and get to know ME a bit better. Ol' Pop H has gotten lost in all this caretaking.... and conflict and avoidance and stockhold syndrome behaviors....

It's time.

getting anxious

I think I just about have enough livable stuff over at the apartment to make it work, initially.

Now, I'm getting anxious to get on with it.

I'm on pins and needles, trying to be slightly detached but not tip my hand. A little tense all the time, here at the house, though, concerned about what her radar might pick up on.

I haven't figured out quite how / where to tell her.... and I think the financial stuff will have to be handled in a transitional manner....

We'll see.

I also have to decide how to deal with cash assets vs the stock account and all that...

Yipe.

Stockholm Syndrome and stuff

Excellent article on Stockholm Syndrome -- something I've come to realize I "border" on but haven't quite developed.... I touch it here and there, though, as described:

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html

Also an article on ending these relationships (which I need to print at the office!!):
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Words of wisdom

An excerpt from something a friend posted on the WTO group. So true. [emphasis is mine]

So take
a close look at yourself hun and realize that although you think you are in love
with him...you are only in love with what the illusion of what you thought he
was going to be able to give you. This [who he is now] is the real him. The rest was just a
show put on to get what he needed. Do you
really want to live with a man who is how he is now? This is him..this is what
you are going to have to put up with when you are with him. It will always be
your fault any and everything he does. Not a good way to live. You deserve
better. Take care of yourself first.

M doesn't feel well

on top of the stiffness and the soreness, M is feeling lousy -- probably a reaction to the vicodin. I thought I recalled it not working well for her.

hit's her stomach and bowel kinda hard. With or without foods.

She asked me when I'm leaving and I told her that basically what I'd said this a.m. was that I wasn't taking off until other matters were taken care of -- counting her pills (she's decided that can wait though) and getting her to her follow up (which she says she's going to have to feel a whole lot better to go to....)

I suspect part of her feeling lousy is more than slightly psychosomatic. She crashed last night when I had a need of my own expressed (going to the family reunion) that was going to take my attention away from her and her needs for several hours.... How awful!! Mommy/daddy is abandoning the poor little girl....

She just doesn't know herself very well, or her reactions.

I'll be glad when I've gotten myself squared away, elsewhere.

Predictable projection

Before last evening was over, well before actually, we had a round.

M wanted to know "How long will it be THIS time that you want nothing to do with me?!"

I said, "I've left you alone since you came upstairs because that's what it appeared you wanted."

I told her she'd made a couple of nasty remarks, and at the end (on the deck) she had said in a nasty manner (with energy) "So, you'll do what YOU want and I can just take MY sorry ass to the urgent care myself, which I can do!" and left to go upstairs.
She denied communicating anything nasty and said she'd gone upstairs because she was tired of being up and around, etc, etc.... I told her she said nothing like that, and reiterated what she'd communicated with what she had said, the way she'd said it, and all that.

She continued to point fingers at me and we bickered about who said what and what was meant.... and she brought up my several hours out of the house on Thursday (actually it was Friday).

I took a lot of umbrage and basically started in on all the ways she was saying I'd failed her.... I ticked them right back off at her.... She didn't care for that....

I / we did manage to get through it without a total and complete blow out. But, I finally pretty much quit the interaction and went back downstairs.


As I contemplated the whole thing, I realized that most of the feelings and attitudes she was accusing me of, were hers -- which I knew at the time as well... and that all this was was (predictable) projection.

I also woke up realizing that I needed to communicate that my actual priority for today was and is to get her situation dealt with -- the follow up and helping her count pills -- those are first priority. Other stuff, including the family reunion, will have to work in around those, if possible.

Interesting bpd thread from a fella on flickr

http://flickr.com/photos/dysamoria/863026019/

Highlights that caught my eye:

they can be as cruel as they want to. as soon as you get pissed because you've had enough, you're an evil hateful monster.

i never hurt her. i never hit her. i never tried to emotionally hurt her. NOW, after months of dealing with abuse and her hateful, monstrous cycling bullshit, i'm done.


i have great empathy, but my antipathy finally took charge.

Predictable

Entirely predictable that in a short time, things were contentious between us because of the reunion.

I checked the distance and told her that it is a few minutes further than I thought. Closer to 45 min away.... She, in turn said, "Does it ever occur to you that I might be / get tired of being alone? (Left behind?)"

I asked if she wanted to go (because I'd assumed not, due to her soreness....). She said, "No, that's not it. I just get tired of being left alone / behind."

I said, "It sounds like you think I shouldn't go." M, "You'll do what you want to do, it doesn't matter."

Me, "Now, you're pitching guilt...."

"Your comments make me feel like I have to make a choice between being at a family function and being here...."

I'd also, earlier, mentioned that we'd have to figure out whether to go for her recheck before or after I go.... or, that maybe, she'll want to wait until Monday and take herself since she's mending....

Moments more and it was very tight and angry. Not outraged. But angry. Primarily on my part. She, in fact, denied being angry at all. "Only disappointed."

She also turned the comments about perhaps she'll be able to take herself for her recheck into "You basically telling me to take my own sorry ass back to the urgent care myself."

She took herself on upstairs to be away from me.... which is fine. I've checked on her a couple of times, took her an ice pack and some bottled waters.... Keeping to the caretaker role.

But, I'm pretty peeved. And she knows it. Of course, she thinks I'm entirely at fault and in the wrong, too....

Intereesting but predictable

After a fairly OK day -- M has been a bit more active (probably moreso than was wise), I mentioned that I have a family reunion gathering tomorrow that I want to go to for a while. It's 1/2 hour 40 minutes away.... Told her I want to at least go and say a few hellos for an hour or so.... and that we need to figure out whether to take her to urgent care for her recheck before or after I go.....

Not too surprisingly, as she registered the matter (oh, oh, sharing me with family -- a NO NO) she says, "well, the reality is you'll be gone 4 or 5 hours." And, well, frankly, the tenor of her attitude changed a great deal....

Clearly unhappy with NOT being the centrality of my attention tomorrow.... poor neglected thin g

got to watch out for "hoovering"

Hoovering is what we non-BPD call the business of getting sucked back into a relationship or old patterns with our partner or STBX.

The fact is, they can be very charming and loving at times, and that appeals and fools us. Or their quietly, or blatantly manipulative, and we fall for it.

It is dreadfully hard to keep our heads straight. Or our hearts.

BUT, I KNOW the best thing for me is to separate from this relationship. It's probably also best for her, although it will be a rough road. She'll be OK. She'll grow back from some of the stuntedness she's gotten to.

I've been steadily moving household bills and expenses toward my account, and that will free up her money for her to manage when (I'm sure it's not really if) she moves out and on.

She gets about $2700 / month in disability income, virtually nontaxable.

She'll need ultimately to be able to handle rent, probably $700 or so (in this area, more out west in the Rockies), her car payment, about $450 plus $100 or so for insurance, utilities with cable, average probably $150.

That leaves $1300 for her groceries, gasoline, and entertainment. Seems like a lot.

MY budget might be a little challenging when (I presume) I have to pull a larger mortgage to buy her out.... but, we'll deal with it when it comes.

today

was pretty nondescript.

M needed help. Liked the compassionate attention. Roles are right, so all seem right with her world. She keeps showing that [needy] affection that people like her do when they're feeling cared for and / or feeling they might be abandoned....

Meanwhile, I managed to get bed clothes, a few other clothes, and toiletries over to the apartment.

Yea!

"right" roles

Isn't it amazing how easy the BPD person is to live with when each of us are playing our "right roles" and all is "right with their world"!!??

Instructive, isn't it, that she was enraged with me all week, loudly, softly, but whatever the tone or volume, enraged nonetheless....

But, yesterday, she fell down the stairs. Is badly bruised. Hobbled up, needs assistance, and who is there to provide it? Who is compassionate and caring? Despite the bad treatment and outrageous statements, actions and accusations?? Me, of course.

And, how does that make her feel?? Loved, again....

After all, daddy is taking care of the little girl.... right....

She loves me and she's missed me so much....

Yeah.

Wonder if the 2 bottles of sparking wine

M apparently drank Wednesday night had anything to do with her hard crash.

Two, count 'em, two in the trash.

The text messages she sent are a little lengthy, but it was clear she was at the point of at least threatening self-harm.

J, her son, says the VM HE got said, "Just tell me ONE REASON WHY I SHOULD STAY ALIVE!"
Which, he said, had he gotten that or taken that call, he also would have called 911 -- based on my coaching and instructions a while back.

M playing nice &

whatever.

She was kind of pissy when I first got home. Sore and limping badly from her spill. She tried to take herself to urgent care, but I literally had to catch her as she started to topple over. I took her.... showed some continuing caring.... etc, etc.

(in the car, on the way, she asked, "Do you still love me?" Of course, I do, so I said so. But, I still know I can't continue in this way / relationship, and I know what's going on now.....

Since I'm having to provide some additional attention.... Since she's feeling central, and loved and cared for ("can I have a little smooch?")....

yeah, sure.

M & stairs

M fell headlong down the stairs today when trying to answer the knocks of the sheriff deputies at the front door. Unbelievable! She is badly bruised on the hip in two places, as well as possibly nearly fracturing her elbow. Also injured her foot. Altogether, she could barely walk by the time I got home.

took her to urgent care to check it out. No apparent fracture. Recheck in 3 days or so. Pain meds.

Welfare check

based on a text message from about 1:10 a.m. and another at 1:40 a.m. that made a strong indication M had overdosed herself, I called the country Sheriff midway through this a.m. when I read the messsages and evaluated their content.

I asked them to do a check on the welfare of a person and gave them the garage door code.

At this point, a couple hours later, I've heard nothing. I do not know if that is good, bad or indifferent.

Starting back toward home now, but will still make a couple stops.

BUT, this is exactly the right opening for me to deal with moving out, as I put her on notice years ago that I would leave her in the event of another suicide attempt.

addendum (8/5/07) it occurs to me to record the main of the text in the messages that moved me to take this step

Aug 2, 2007, 1:07 a
Too bad. So sad. You cannot tolerate speaking to me in any way that remotely resembles a real honest dialogue. You either ignore my calls, turn your phone off - Mr Incommunicado-Man, and when you lower your standards or whatever it is you do, you are almost immediately done talking - rather - listening to me. Can't ever have a dialogue or honest conversation with you. You just check out. After tonight I am checing out. EXPAIN TO MY SONS AS I WAS UNABLE TO REACH EITHER OF THEM. I would really like to know how you'll explain this to my sister and my aunts.....No doubt you won't mention the uber-stress you and your mother has foisted upon me in the past 2 months. No doubt you THINK you can snow Aunt B....good luck. She is pretty sharp, legally wise. You'll not snow her ever.
Never mind all that.
You don't want me around anymore. You want to cater to your mo0ther who intensely dislikes me for ?> I'm sure I don't know. Attitudinal 2 b sure yet you claim u don't know how that could be....Life is... methinks you have really [never meant?] for me to b more than a

Message #2, 1:41 a.m.
passing fuck. Too bad. I'm still just a fuck in passing....who also hyappens to have landscaped and infinitely improved your "Gentlemen's Estate"

I am totally fading now not that that will be of concern 2 you. U and y our mom and the entire S family will rejoice 2 b rid of me, especially mommy dearest.
My regret is that I has unable to get J [son #2] on the phone 2nite. Talke a bit 2 N [son #1] but he said I chose this with L [me] and then had 2 go 2 work. Want them 2 know I love them more than they will ever know. They wre my reason 4 lilving. My reason for not living is you and you excluding me from your family, using me as a servant an dignoring and discounting me to favor your family.
With it was not so, but I'm tired oftrhing 2 swim upstream, always. Nodboy in your family talks 2 me including I am sorry. [then a reference, I think, to the words we had on the deck while mom and dad were not far off in the living room ]
2 DONE 2 FIGHT IT ANYMORE AS I am W/OU [sic]


The tail end of the message seemed to border on gobbledygook, I thought... At least I don't know what the abbrev was intended to mean, if it had a meaning.

What alarmed me most was the obvious suicidal ideation, followed by the "I'm fading now" comments....

Couldn't come home to check on it. Shouldn't have, had I been in town. Always need to call in the police for this from now on.

Too crazy for words

M went deep into compulsive and angry mode last night. Called and called. She even called the hotel room.

Left 9 voicemails on my cell. Left 5 on the hotel phone (called at 12:15 a.m. again, before I took the phone off the hook.)

Also 7 text messages.

I won't anymore than listen briefly and delete, read / scan and delete.
The hotel messages are a problem because she did some damn thing that made the first & second message a long long dial tone and error tone.... Don't know as I'll actually hear any of the hotel messages. Big deal.

I have some really supportive friends waiting patiently to support me through this. And it is time.

Meanwhile, M acts out and compulses

Just before I got done at a reception tonight, my phone started to ring. Home. Over and over. Finally took a call when I got into my truck. Same old stuff. Complaint after complaint. Accusations.... on and on.

I tried to stop the conversations, ended them courteously -- she'd call right back.... Finally, I quit answering -- but she kept calling. Over and over. She must have called 8 or more times while I was at dinner. I finally turned my phone off.

I had to turn it on for a few minutes tonight -- and I see there are numerous text messages as well as all the voicemails that I'll have to delete tomorrow.

Meanwhile, my friend and new key support person gave me her phone numbers so that I could keep her posted.....

Support system is building

I've had a very nice time interacting with a friend from A2 for the last few days. We spent the last couple three hours at dinner and it's clear she's really ready and willing to be a key support for me in all this, and as comfortable as she's become already in sharing some things about herself, I still tend to think she's showing me some interest for "someday" in the area of dating. At the least, as a friend. Perhaps more.

She truly is a dynamic, whole and autonomous woman. Direct. Scary to many men. Not to me. I'm so tired of passive-aggressive games, I'm more than ready for a woman who says what she means....

Anyway, she's just a little heavier than I normally am attracted to, but she has an interesting beauty. Much of it is from the inside. But, she is a good looking lady....

And, she's made it plain that for her, sex is NOT an issue, unlike for many other women. I took it as something she was saying as a friend, just sharing about herself in reaction to some of what I told her..... But, it might get very interesting.

And, she bought dinner, so I owe her one back!!

Interesting day and a half

In the last day and a half, I have had the most interesting interactions with women friends. They are fellow leaders in the union organization that I'm part of, and these are women who are by and large quite whole -- they have full and autonomous selves.

Anyway, to a person, they all have (now and in the past) basically let me know I've been way too patient and forbearing with M and that I need to cut this off and get on with my life.

EVEN MORE INTERESTING, one of them who is perhaps THE MOST direct and autonomous woman I've known, has been both providing a friendship and listening ear, AND, more than slightly, showing those typical feminine signs of interest in me.

Very interesting. She's the same age as M, but not broken.....

The relationship side of my life may become quite interesting!!

Last message so far

was voicemailed at about 4:30 a.m. today. "Hey, Mr Incommuncato. I haven't gone to sleep yet. Maybe I won't. Or maybe I will. Maybe I'll go to sleep forever.... but I just wanted to make sure I tell you I love you..."


Other messages (1, 2ish) were sexual references (complaints or rationalizations about our lack of intimacy....)

Same ol same ol

Just a little much

M started calling my cell last night. First @ 8:30p -- I was busy and with people...

Later, after more beer / wine, no doubt, she started getting really excessive.

My cell began ringing at 10:15p and she would no more than leave a voicemail, than she would hit redial. NINE times she rang my phone.

At one point, I checked the first VM, and it wasn't anything important. No emergency or anything. Just blahblahblah.

This a.m., I show 12 voicemails waiting.... Yipe. Just like other times. Bad, bad news.

An attraction to note

Well, I've had a bit to drink.... but I wanted to note this.

One of the MOST AUTOTONOMOUS AND WHOLE women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.... showed an interest in me, for when the day comes....

L is whole, direct, assertive, and really quite an attractive black woman (I'm caucasian..)

I mightn't have put her on "my list" but for today. Very good conversations, early in the evening, as well as OK / attraction postures at a social / party situation... and a late conversation, lead me to believe she is a possible datable friend..

cool!!

If rage / staying cool was like drinking beer....

From my online support group:
--- Mr Y wrote:
> If it was possible not to react to a BPD persons
> rage, anger, etc. -
> Letting them blow up - would things be back to
> normal after all that
> passed? So far I have been unable to 'stay cool' -
> eventually I get
> frustrated and blow up.... I'm just wondering if
> anybody has had
> success with that?

Mr Y,
Functional people recognize that the BPs rage is not
within the realm of sane behavior.

Functional people do not tolerate crazy behavior, so
"staying cool" might not really be a success.

Think of it this way...if each 5 minutes of rage were
equal to a beer...the "staying cool" approach might
lead you towards becoming an alcoholic.

Mr X