Hmmmmm let M know today that work pressure was almost overwhelming, when on top of all the issues at home (which to my mind she's created).
Tried to get her to back off all this crap a little....
didn't really work. She strted in by early evening. Kept at it. Kept pushing bottons.
Tail end of the night, 10:10ish, she complained about her fibro -- I offered to rub cream or whatever and she turned that into a toxic interactin about how Id failed to massage her hand for her.....
Worse and worse... .she just won't give up the toxic emotions.
She's made my folks coming to visit an impossible situation for her, me, all.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Voicemail & Note
Of course, I no more than went to bed last night than she voicemailed me. More of the same.
Left this note for me as well (not bad, just transcribing it for my record):
"I know you hate notes fromn me. BUT, perhaps -- just perhaps -- you might try to be patient with me --
You, my family, and my sons, your family, the University [former employer] -- have all done a lot to piss me off -- And -- other the course of the years, I think I've done OK dealing with it. But I feel like I'm at a time now in my life that I really want to live -- and not by others' rules and constraints. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? "
My thoughts:
I note that as usual, she points fingers everywhere else -- not much introspection or taking of responsiblity.... She believes she's done OK, yet, she has been terribly inconsistent with therapy, with medical compliance, with managing her own health.... etc.
On the last, I think she's examining the proposition of going out on her own. I'm ready to let her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to push her.
Left this note for me as well (not bad, just transcribing it for my record):
"I know you hate notes fromn me. BUT, perhaps -- just perhaps -- you might try to be patient with me --
You, my family, and my sons, your family, the University [former employer] -- have all done a lot to piss me off -- And -- other the course of the years, I think I've done OK dealing with it. But I feel like I'm at a time now in my life that I really want to live -- and not by others' rules and constraints. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? "
My thoughts:
I note that as usual, she points fingers everywhere else -- not much introspection or taking of responsiblity.... She believes she's done OK, yet, she has been terribly inconsistent with therapy, with medical compliance, with managing her own health.... etc.
On the last, I think she's examining the proposition of going out on her own. I'm ready to let her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to push her.
Monday, June 11, 2007
continuing to pitch a bitch
Again, she lured me into it. Came home, a little later than I would like. But, consistent with what I'd let her know on VM.
I mowed. She quit for the day.... Early evening she stayed friendly.... Bottle of wine -- who knows how many beers before I got home -- more beer.....
By 9:00p or so, she started in to the "stuff". At first, she cautiously broached whether it would tick me off if she "found something to do" from 7/15 to 7/22 or so.... Told her, that was fine....
Then her jaw unhinged and she started in to the same old same old yet again -- all the unhappiness -- my folks. My granddaughter. ("Have to kid proof the house, that's impossible")
about OTHER people dictating how SHE'LL spend her time....
time to live HER life on HER terms.
GO for it, M, Go.
And, she's managing to have this repeated, incessant meltdown at a time at work that I need
to have a clear mind....
damn.
I mowed. She quit for the day.... Early evening she stayed friendly.... Bottle of wine -- who knows how many beers before I got home -- more beer.....
By 9:00p or so, she started in to the "stuff". At first, she cautiously broached whether it would tick me off if she "found something to do" from 7/15 to 7/22 or so.... Told her, that was fine....
Then her jaw unhinged and she started in to the same old same old yet again -- all the unhappiness -- my folks. My granddaughter. ("Have to kid proof the house, that's impossible")
about OTHER people dictating how SHE'LL spend her time....
time to live HER life on HER terms.
GO for it, M, Go.
And, she's managing to have this repeated, incessant meltdown at a time at work that I need
to have a clear mind....
damn.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Last night she trapped me with a good mood / behavior
then, wham!! At bedtime.... We talked. I heard her say the same things, again -- all about how she's not been consulted, OTHERS are dicating how she'll spend her time, and all.
Mind you, she started this "discussion" just as I said I was tired and headed up to bed. So, apparently my eyes were a bit heavy -- so she then got real pissy, with the "you're not listening.." stuff... and more carrying on.
Of course, this resulted in a big fight, I almost headed to a hotel, all that jazz.... lots of unhappiness all the way around....
on and on on the merry-go-round.
Mind you, she started this "discussion" just as I said I was tired and headed up to bed. So, apparently my eyes were a bit heavy -- so she then got real pissy, with the "you're not listening.." stuff... and more carrying on.
Of course, this resulted in a big fight, I almost headed to a hotel, all that jazz.... lots of unhappiness all the way around....
on and on on the merry-go-round.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Painting 2/3 of a wall?? Now??
What kind of weird reality is this??
Yesterday when I got home, to the crisis and the conflict, one of the discoveries I made was that she'd spent "an hour looking for paint".... and then spent who knows HOW much time redecorating 2/3 of a wall that just needed a minor bit of paint patching.
Amazing. Complaining bitterly of ALL that needs done, and puts time into something like that.
Yesterday when I got home, to the crisis and the conflict, one of the discoveries I made was that she'd spent "an hour looking for paint".... and then spent who knows HOW much time redecorating 2/3 of a wall that just needed a minor bit of paint patching.
Amazing. Complaining bitterly of ALL that needs done, and puts time into something like that.
On & on and back to the same old Oz
So, yesterday I got home a little early, intending to assist with the housecleaning that is now PARAMOUNT, due to my folks coming next month.... etc, etc, Got a little done, but MOSTLY she just wanted to jaw at me and jaw at me about how she wasn't consulted, she probably needs NOT to be there when my mom is, that she resents HER life being turned upside down, controlled / dictated by others.... on and on.
Kept me up late carrying on, revisiting the same issues / concerns. She's talking about needing to get out on her own (fine, go!!) etc, etc.
But the attacks on me into the night, affecting my sleep, is not acceptable.
She would hardly let up. Not terribly energetic with it all, but kept at pushing buttons.
So, again, I have had a lousy night's sleep when I really need to be operating in a better place....
Once again, she's creating a negative reality that has only one outcome -- her moving...
Kept me up late carrying on, revisiting the same issues / concerns. She's talking about needing to get out on her own (fine, go!!) etc, etc.
But the attacks on me into the night, affecting my sleep, is not acceptable.
She would hardly let up. Not terribly energetic with it all, but kept at pushing buttons.
So, again, I have had a lousy night's sleep when I really need to be operating in a better place....
Once again, she's creating a negative reality that has only one outcome -- her moving...
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Not thrilling me
that she may very well stay in the doldrums, be difficult for the next 8 friggin' weeks.
Be nice if she could regulate her emotions in some way remotely similar to what most people can do....
Be nice if she could regulate her emotions in some way remotely similar to what most people can do....
So tonight
when I got home, she didn't seem to be in too bad a spirit, having "cleared the air a bit earlier, I suppose.
I got started on a small project she kinda wanted done. While I was doing that, her older son called. Seems he's lost his job.... partly through his own fault (written up numerous times since he started), partly due to his younger brother who called him during his latest / most recent crisis with his GF. Made big brother 30 minutes late for work.... got written up once more, and then let go a few days later.
So, that started tonight's meltdown.... although, she and I did NOT get into it at all (thank heaven)).
But it got wierd.... kinda. But not all that for where M goes at times.....
It was around 8:30p when I gave her some warmed up pizza for dinner (her suggestion earlier). Well, it only took a short time before she had a temper flare over the pizza being "too damn hot" and she kind of flung it down onto the floor... I thought she'd go back to it, but she didn't...
Then shortly after, she added to her pill containers, and flared when they wouldn't all fit.
Then she dragged the trash bin / container up onto the deck (presumably to start throwing shit away....), marched upstairs, grabbed her box full of old / back magazines, heavy though it was, dragged it downstairs, and pitched it in to the trash.... silly, but that's how she can get at times.
Then she went back upstairs. A little while later she flounced outside and started pulling weeds.... then came back in, headed upstairs, and has since passed out / fallen asleep in her chair....
Bout all there is to that at this writing.
I got started on a small project she kinda wanted done. While I was doing that, her older son called. Seems he's lost his job.... partly through his own fault (written up numerous times since he started), partly due to his younger brother who called him during his latest / most recent crisis with his GF. Made big brother 30 minutes late for work.... got written up once more, and then let go a few days later.
So, that started tonight's meltdown.... although, she and I did NOT get into it at all (thank heaven)).
But it got wierd.... kinda. But not all that for where M goes at times.....
It was around 8:30p when I gave her some warmed up pizza for dinner (her suggestion earlier). Well, it only took a short time before she had a temper flare over the pizza being "too damn hot" and she kind of flung it down onto the floor... I thought she'd go back to it, but she didn't...
Then shortly after, she added to her pill containers, and flared when they wouldn't all fit.
Then she dragged the trash bin / container up onto the deck (presumably to start throwing shit away....), marched upstairs, grabbed her box full of old / back magazines, heavy though it was, dragged it downstairs, and pitched it in to the trash.... silly, but that's how she can get at times.
Then she went back upstairs. A little while later she flounced outside and started pulling weeds.... then came back in, headed upstairs, and has since passed out / fallen asleep in her chair....
Bout all there is to that at this writing.
More today but not bad until 2nite
Well, she saw her T today. I left her the run-down on the schedule of my folks' visit this a.m., so they reviewed that. Of course, her T "agrees with her that....." M probably shouldn't be around my mom, or if she is, probably won't be able to hold her tongue, etc, etc, not to mention how put on she is, no doubt to have to share her house, again, and all that.....
We met for lumnch today so she could debrief me. And run some of her stuff by me. Mostly stayed nonconfrontational. Observed that she didn't like to just be "informed", that she'd like to be consulted / discuss this stuff, etc. That Sept might be a better time in the future.... and she even got to some true reality....
the usual difficulties she feels between her and my mom..... ("they're NOT just feelings, their facts!!")
And, most truthfully of all:
"You're not so busy in the summer, so I get more of your time and attention and I don't want to share that very badly.....
Once again, it becomes obvious that she's only happy if she's the paramount concern in my life and of my attention..... that she can be OK as long as she is the center of my universe.
We met for lumnch today so she could debrief me. And run some of her stuff by me. Mostly stayed nonconfrontational. Observed that she didn't like to just be "informed", that she'd like to be consulted / discuss this stuff, etc. That Sept might be a better time in the future.... and she even got to some true reality....
the usual difficulties she feels between her and my mom..... ("they're NOT just feelings, their facts!!")
And, most truthfully of all:
"You're not so busy in the summer, so I get more of your time and attention and I don't want to share that very badly.....
Once again, it becomes obvious that she's only happy if she's the paramount concern in my life and of my attention..... that she can be OK as long as she is the center of my universe.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
another note or 2
At one point, M informed me, not confontationally, that she has an appt with her T tommorrow and whatever they worked out....
She otherwise was incommunicado....
Stayed mostly in the master BR. I came up a moment ago, tired, and she had this yucky "How do I look" program on the TV instead of the news.
She also had arranged a sleeping space on the floor and was fiddling with her heating pad.
Wanting to be polite, I asked, "are you watching this?" she nodded yes.
I took about 3 or 4 minutes to undress, brush teeth and come back into the room... and by then she was OUT. I actually wonder whether she was remotely lucid a few minutes ago....
anyway, she appears to be pretty well passed out. Probably the usual combination of alcohol and pills..... if she's muscle-hurting, valium and anothe muscle relaxant. Always puts her well out.... not restful, I think, but out.
It's she doesn't get honest about some of that habit with her T.
As for me, I'm feeling really frustrated tonight and could be tempted, too easily, to finally end this thing.
An odd feeling after some nice days together.
But she just doesn't seem too capable of functioning in a remotely normal way witin a relatonship.
what do you do with that when you're the well partner?
She otherwise was incommunicado....
Stayed mostly in the master BR. I came up a moment ago, tired, and she had this yucky "How do I look" program on the TV instead of the news.
She also had arranged a sleeping space on the floor and was fiddling with her heating pad.
Wanting to be polite, I asked, "are you watching this?" she nodded yes.
I took about 3 or 4 minutes to undress, brush teeth and come back into the room... and by then she was OUT. I actually wonder whether she was remotely lucid a few minutes ago....
anyway, she appears to be pretty well passed out. Probably the usual combination of alcohol and pills..... if she's muscle-hurting, valium and anothe muscle relaxant. Always puts her well out.... not restful, I think, but out.
It's she doesn't get honest about some of that habit with her T.
As for me, I'm feeling really frustrated tonight and could be tempted, too easily, to finally end this thing.
An odd feeling after some nice days together.
But she just doesn't seem too capable of functioning in a remotely normal way witin a relatonship.
what do you do with that when you're the well partner?
What's really bothering M
After some several weeks of getting along fairly well....
and after spending a really nice vacation time together....
Well, she's immediately back to the troubled mind....
She shared with me a couple hours ago that she's "figured out what's going on with her...."
Apparently, she's ALREADY anticipating the challenge / emotional difficulties / pain / etc with my elderly parents coming for a couple weeks next month, as they usually do in the summer. The primary purpose being to see various caregivers that I trust. And to visit, of course.
She knows the rough timeframe, but not the specific yet (I just got that in my email and hadn't really sorted it out to share it....)
And, my granddaughter is to come to my state next month (I think it's July and not June) to visit various relatives, including Pops (me)
My plan with for the granddaughter's visit was / is to mostly keep my visits with her to day time (hooky from the office) and maybe a weekend, while my folks are around to help.
Anyway, M is ALREADY borrowing the emotional pain a full month in advance or so....
Bothering me for details that I have not had a chance to sort out just yet. Talking about "how disconcerting it is not to know anything...."
and expressing frustration about not being consulted about the plans, and on and on.
She has done this before. Which is what I began to react to almost immediately. The idea of having an emotional wreckage for the next 8 weeks.... is a bit much.
And it happened within 24 hours of returning from a wonderful vacation -- one in which SHE says, "I feel like we were just beginning to get back on track, and now these visits are looming..."
MY observation is that a couple other times where I took time off, to be with / work with her almost exclusively over all other responsbilities or interest -- resulted in the same feeling....
she's really only happy if she's the center of my universe.... and she hates sharing me or her living space and all....
SIGH!!!
and after spending a really nice vacation time together....
Well, she's immediately back to the troubled mind....
She shared with me a couple hours ago that she's "figured out what's going on with her...."
Apparently, she's ALREADY anticipating the challenge / emotional difficulties / pain / etc with my elderly parents coming for a couple weeks next month, as they usually do in the summer. The primary purpose being to see various caregivers that I trust. And to visit, of course.
She knows the rough timeframe, but not the specific yet (I just got that in my email and hadn't really sorted it out to share it....)
And, my granddaughter is to come to my state next month (I think it's July and not June) to visit various relatives, including Pops (me)
My plan with for the granddaughter's visit was / is to mostly keep my visits with her to day time (hooky from the office) and maybe a weekend, while my folks are around to help.
Anyway, M is ALREADY borrowing the emotional pain a full month in advance or so....
Bothering me for details that I have not had a chance to sort out just yet. Talking about "how disconcerting it is not to know anything...."
and expressing frustration about not being consulted about the plans, and on and on.
She has done this before. Which is what I began to react to almost immediately. The idea of having an emotional wreckage for the next 8 weeks.... is a bit much.
And it happened within 24 hours of returning from a wonderful vacation -- one in which SHE says, "I feel like we were just beginning to get back on track, and now these visits are looming..."
MY observation is that a couple other times where I took time off, to be with / work with her almost exclusively over all other responsbilities or interest -- resulted in the same feeling....
she's really only happy if she's the center of my universe.... and she hates sharing me or her living space and all....
SIGH!!!
good vacation together last week
Really met M's needs. Somewhat met mine. First vacation I have taken in several years that was sans laptop and cell and contact with the office.
M had me all to herself, which always makes her feel much better.
Mostly it was GREAT. Really nice all-inclusive resort. Different reality being waited on hand and foot.
I do have to admit I had / have some frustration that we did not make love much. Some, but she has some gyno problems that are easy to aggravate and apparently were.... a fact I discovered only by asking.... sigh.
But, after a nice time together, and an attempt to ease "re-entry" by my taking one extra day off (Monday - yesterday) she's still ended up melting down a bit.... actually a lot.
I thought it was mostly just her upset at being back home where there is "so much to do" everywhere and so many "problems" and jobs, and, and, and....
but also, 'tis more.
M had me all to herself, which always makes her feel much better.
Mostly it was GREAT. Really nice all-inclusive resort. Different reality being waited on hand and foot.
I do have to admit I had / have some frustration that we did not make love much. Some, but she has some gyno problems that are easy to aggravate and apparently were.... a fact I discovered only by asking.... sigh.
But, after a nice time together, and an attempt to ease "re-entry" by my taking one extra day off (Monday - yesterday) she's still ended up melting down a bit.... actually a lot.
I thought it was mostly just her upset at being back home where there is "so much to do" everywhere and so many "problems" and jobs, and, and, and....
but also, 'tis more.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Worth making a note
We've been getting along ok. Pretty well. Although, I had been a little concerned that I had to add an evening meeting to my week -- a little unexpectedly -- concerned that she might react badly, since my week was supposed to be almost completely free in the evenings.....
Anyway, she'd been accepting, so it seemed. BUT, tonight, she asked (late, just as the 11:00 news was coming on) what time I expected to be home. Well, I didn't know, so I didn't guess.... told her I didn't know but didn't think it would be all that late.
BUTTTTT, she'd had a bottle of wine + tonight.... after mostly trying NOT to drink much since the really bad episode a week+ ago. She didn't stay completely on the wagon for long.... instead, just trying to "be more reasonable"....
Anyway, I had noticed some signs that she was more affected tonight than she'd been for awhile. So, I was a little wary, anyway.... probably explains why I gave what I intended to be a careful answer.
SHE didn't find it acceptable....wanted a more specific response.... got upset. I heard the sigh.... So, as I was afraid of, she was upset / bothered.... I figured it was mostly just because I was supposed to NOT have much this week....
Anyway, I went upstairs by 11:05, went to bed.... within 5 more minutes, she started to "get into it". She was really put off that I wouldn't give her a specific time.... that I should KNOW better. That she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want the information.... and I avoided it.... etc.... made much out of it...
Anyway, I avoided pointing out she'd had too much to drink. But, I started to get a little upset myself.... Tried to quit the discussion several times. She wouldn't quit, though. I finally started to feel myself getting heated and upset myself... and told her I really needed to withdraw and go downstairs. That I was getting upset and needed to withdraw and cool off.
She started to say something more, and I insisted otherwise. Then, was peeved that I wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I said, "Ok, WHAT?!" and she, finally registered I really was upset and stopped.
I went downstairs..... rested and collected myself.... then went upstairs, maybe 10 to 15 minutes after leaving the bedroom. She had the TV on (Late Show) and had passed out / fallen asleep....which tells me the mood crap was a bad combination of alcohol and her meds.
Nonetheless, it is interesting.
And, fortunately, I managed to successfully withdraw from the potential argument before it got out of hand....
I think she and I will need to talk about this tomorrow.
Anyway, she'd been accepting, so it seemed. BUT, tonight, she asked (late, just as the 11:00 news was coming on) what time I expected to be home. Well, I didn't know, so I didn't guess.... told her I didn't know but didn't think it would be all that late.
BUTTTTT, she'd had a bottle of wine + tonight.... after mostly trying NOT to drink much since the really bad episode a week+ ago. She didn't stay completely on the wagon for long.... instead, just trying to "be more reasonable"....
Anyway, I had noticed some signs that she was more affected tonight than she'd been for awhile. So, I was a little wary, anyway.... probably explains why I gave what I intended to be a careful answer.
SHE didn't find it acceptable....wanted a more specific response.... got upset. I heard the sigh.... So, as I was afraid of, she was upset / bothered.... I figured it was mostly just because I was supposed to NOT have much this week....
Anyway, I went upstairs by 11:05, went to bed.... within 5 more minutes, she started to "get into it". She was really put off that I wouldn't give her a specific time.... that I should KNOW better. That she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want the information.... and I avoided it.... etc.... made much out of it...
Anyway, I avoided pointing out she'd had too much to drink. But, I started to get a little upset myself.... Tried to quit the discussion several times. She wouldn't quit, though. I finally started to feel myself getting heated and upset myself... and told her I really needed to withdraw and go downstairs. That I was getting upset and needed to withdraw and cool off.
She started to say something more, and I insisted otherwise. Then, was peeved that I wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I said, "Ok, WHAT?!" and she, finally registered I really was upset and stopped.
I went downstairs..... rested and collected myself.... then went upstairs, maybe 10 to 15 minutes after leaving the bedroom. She had the TV on (Late Show) and had passed out / fallen asleep....which tells me the mood crap was a bad combination of alcohol and her meds.
Nonetheless, it is interesting.
And, fortunately, I managed to successfully withdraw from the potential argument before it got out of hand....
I think she and I will need to talk about this tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My son's take
from Friday night:
He was busy writing up a proposal (remodelling sales). She called late. He could tell she was pretty "wasted" and asked her that, politely at a point. She denied it, and he told her "Look, you're speaking slowly, and slurring... your're wasted".
she finally admitted having taken some valium....
He said most of the conversation was friendly in tone, and that he doesn't think he got rude or pushy. But, he did get concerned that she was going to get into "other women" territory, and he was busy, and he didn't want to hear the sorry for herself stuff.... so he begged off the phone in some way.
M is convinced he doesn't like her, was rude, etc.... He said it's not personal dislike (I know he tries to be OK with her) but the substance abuse that puts him off.... he's lost two friends to drugs already in life.... He's a little sensitive about people being wasted and drug abusive....
He was busy writing up a proposal (remodelling sales). She called late. He could tell she was pretty "wasted" and asked her that, politely at a point. She denied it, and he told her "Look, you're speaking slowly, and slurring... your're wasted".
she finally admitted having taken some valium....
He said most of the conversation was friendly in tone, and that he doesn't think he got rude or pushy. But, he did get concerned that she was going to get into "other women" territory, and he was busy, and he didn't want to hear the sorry for herself stuff.... so he begged off the phone in some way.
M is convinced he doesn't like her, was rude, etc.... He said it's not personal dislike (I know he tries to be OK with her) but the substance abuse that puts him off.... he's lost two friends to drugs already in life.... He's a little sensitive about people being wasted and drug abusive....
On the wagon, again.....
we'll see
One of the things M told me Sunday and Monday was that she was terribly, and deeply ashamed of what happened Friday night. And, she seems to recognize the role of alcohol.... so, she's quitting -- or greatly reducing or awhile.... Asked for my help in that (of course!!)
We'll see. She does need to get a handle on this.
One of the things M told me Sunday and Monday was that she was terribly, and deeply ashamed of what happened Friday night. And, she seems to recognize the role of alcohol.... so, she's quitting -- or greatly reducing or awhile.... Asked for my help in that (of course!!)
We'll see. She does need to get a handle on this.
The week at this point
has been pretty busy for me in the evenings. Always a danger to M's moods. But, we've communicated and seem to be OK....
BUT, I am really getting quite concerned. She spends a LOT of time idling on her portable video games. Some outside. Some at appointments recently....
But, overall, she's seeming pretty reticent and maybe depressed..... hmmmm
BUT, I am really getting quite concerned. She spends a LOT of time idling on her portable video games. Some outside. Some at appointments recently....
But, overall, she's seeming pretty reticent and maybe depressed..... hmmmm
The rest of last Sat & Sun
actually went OK, once M was up, about, and full lucid. Essentially, I told her I just wanted to deal with things in a mindful way, let the previous night go, go on with Saturday and the weekend as planned and as if the meltdown had not occurred.
I made it plain that while I had concerns and upsets, I wasn't going to nurse the negativity. Quite the opposite.
I cuddled with her to help her recover..... at one point, she wanted to make love and I carefully demurred. Otherwise, the day / remainder of the weekend ended up going well, all in all. We went to some dinner late in the day, folllowed by a cute little play at a local community theatre.
She also asked if I was still OK to go to a special dinner place on Sunday. Told her yes, and she made a reservation at a "secret" restaurant.....
Sunday a.m., I offered to make love when it was time to go upstairs in the a.m. after breakfast and reading the paper for awhile. She decided that was a good way to start the day.... and it was.
We spent some time outside puttering, then headed to the restaurant.... NIce!! Fondue restaurant. Lots of fun..... we both enjoyed it, and she especially enjoyed MY getting a kick out of it.
I made it plain that while I had concerns and upsets, I wasn't going to nurse the negativity. Quite the opposite.
I cuddled with her to help her recover..... at one point, she wanted to make love and I carefully demurred. Otherwise, the day / remainder of the weekend ended up going well, all in all. We went to some dinner late in the day, folllowed by a cute little play at a local community theatre.
She also asked if I was still OK to go to a special dinner place on Sunday. Told her yes, and she made a reservation at a "secret" restaurant.....
Sunday a.m., I offered to make love when it was time to go upstairs in the a.m. after breakfast and reading the paper for awhile. She decided that was a good way to start the day.... and it was.
We spent some time outside puttering, then headed to the restaurant.... NIce!! Fondue restaurant. Lots of fun..... we both enjoyed it, and she especially enjoyed MY getting a kick out of it.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
and more to note
Got some worrisome phone messages at about 6:30 a.m. from M.... typical stuff she leaves if she's about to take an overdose of her meds (nonlethal, so far).
"What do I stay around for, when I'm not meeting your needs"
"Talked to both my kids last night, and we're cool...."
Goodbye-ish stuff that is a warning sign
Anyway, I've come home by 9:30, checked on her..... she's out. Really out hard. Don't know what she took but must have been a fair bit....
Had her cell phone at her head, in her hand.... still on (put the land line off hook)
Cell was on and has rung at least twice since she "went to sleep"..... loud ringer -- she's slept through it.
sleeping isn't the word. More like passed out...
but, seems to be breathing normally, etc..... too, too typical.....
she causes a crisis in the household / relationship -- then has this reaction....
too much fun
"What do I stay around for, when I'm not meeting your needs"
"Talked to both my kids last night, and we're cool...."
Goodbye-ish stuff that is a warning sign
Anyway, I've come home by 9:30, checked on her..... she's out. Really out hard. Don't know what she took but must have been a fair bit....
Had her cell phone at her head, in her hand.... still on (put the land line off hook)
Cell was on and has rung at least twice since she "went to sleep"..... loud ringer -- she's slept through it.
sleeping isn't the word. More like passed out...
but, seems to be breathing normally, etc..... too, too typical.....
she causes a crisis in the household / relationship -- then has this reaction....
too much fun
appended info from last night
Mom called this a.m.... I didn't tell her much.... Anyway, she said my son S called her this a.m.... and mentioned that M called him last night. He told his grandma, "she sounded pretty wasted...." Says he asked her if she was wasted, and she said no. But, he told my mom that M was talking very slowly, perhaps with some slurring.... difficult to understand....
Strangely enough, the VM she left me after the conversation sounded fairly bright and lucid....
Mood ? chemicals ? alcohol ?
all of the above, no doubt
Strangely enough, the VM she left me after the conversation sounded fairly bright and lucid....
Mood ? chemicals ? alcohol ?
all of the above, no doubt
A new low / high
Seemed like a good enough evening. No problems or conflicts or particular tension, although I thought she seemed to get more distant all through the week.... But, I got tired, while she was still watching a show she likes and I went to bed -- with her knowing, again, that I was "interested" but not pushing it....
Anyway, she sweetly said, "I'll be up in a little while..."
Then, not long after, she called my son in NC.... something she had no business doing, especially at 10:30 at night. I don't know what ensued..... From the VM she left me after, I would have thought it pleasant enough.... But, she's since sent txt about "why does S dislike me so much" and, "what have I ever done....???"
Anyway, midnight last night, I wake up to pee.... hear her weeping downstairs....
SHOULD have left her be.... made the mistake of going down to check on what the matter was (show I care....)
One thing led to another -- she was all conflicted over my family again, and how she "has no standing" and "no respect" (because we are not married).... I got hot tempered.... This subject is SORE, and especially so in the middle of the night.
Conflict of wills. Yelling.... cursing. I packed to go. She threatened that "You can't come back".... etc, etc....
She clawed at me and my clothing -- scratches on my face..... trying to prevent me from going.....
I tried to leave, thought better of it, one more time and came back into the garage where she was blocking the service door into the house -- more willful contesting.
I picked her up by the waist. Move her into the house. She got pushy or something and I grabbed her forearms and continued to move her into the kitchen. Not roughly. But firmly.
Whereupon she accused me of abusing her and CALLED 911.
Deputies were courteous, and professional. I was very cooperative, and they asked me to find elsewhere to sleep. Happy to do so..... went to a hotel, which is where I should have gone in the first place.
Now, the aftermath of her making this false accusation....
I don't know. I have many mixed thoughts. We have a nice vacation planned in 2 weeks.... both been trying hard last couple weeks.... but this.... this changes things really significantly for me.
Anyway, she sweetly said, "I'll be up in a little while..."
Then, not long after, she called my son in NC.... something she had no business doing, especially at 10:30 at night. I don't know what ensued..... From the VM she left me after, I would have thought it pleasant enough.... But, she's since sent txt about "why does S dislike me so much" and, "what have I ever done....???"
Anyway, midnight last night, I wake up to pee.... hear her weeping downstairs....
SHOULD have left her be.... made the mistake of going down to check on what the matter was (show I care....)
One thing led to another -- she was all conflicted over my family again, and how she "has no standing" and "no respect" (because we are not married).... I got hot tempered.... This subject is SORE, and especially so in the middle of the night.
Conflict of wills. Yelling.... cursing. I packed to go. She threatened that "You can't come back".... etc, etc....
She clawed at me and my clothing -- scratches on my face..... trying to prevent me from going.....
I tried to leave, thought better of it, one more time and came back into the garage where she was blocking the service door into the house -- more willful contesting.
I picked her up by the waist. Move her into the house. She got pushy or something and I grabbed her forearms and continued to move her into the kitchen. Not roughly. But firmly.
Whereupon she accused me of abusing her and CALLED 911.
Deputies were courteous, and professional. I was very cooperative, and they asked me to find elsewhere to sleep. Happy to do so..... went to a hotel, which is where I should have gone in the first place.
Now, the aftermath of her making this false accusation....
I don't know. I have many mixed thoughts. We have a nice vacation planned in 2 weeks.... both been trying hard last couple weeks.... but this.... this changes things really significantly for me.
Weird few days
Thursday night, I think, got very strange. At 10ish p.m., M appeared by her deep kisses, to be inviting me upstairs to make love.....
Few minutes later, I got up there and she started carrying on about the dusting and cleaning that is such a mess and needful.... and on and on about it.
Threw me completely... and I reacted poorly -- quietly, but poorly. She could tell I got upset, but there wasn't any going back. I actually couldn't sleep, I was so bothered by it..... Finally had to take a couple of her pills to get some sleep.....
Wanted really, to get enough rest to shake it off and forget it.....
Which I did, I think.... then, last night happened....
Few minutes later, I got up there and she started carrying on about the dusting and cleaning that is such a mess and needful.... and on and on about it.
Threw me completely... and I reacted poorly -- quietly, but poorly. She could tell I got upset, but there wasn't any going back. I actually couldn't sleep, I was so bothered by it..... Finally had to take a couple of her pills to get some sleep.....
Wanted really, to get enough rest to shake it off and forget it.....
Which I did, I think.... then, last night happened....
Thursday, May 10, 2007
ever so interesting
Yup. Some days are ever so interesting.
M had her first in months session with her T today -- but I'm not supposed to know that. Like I said in a previous message, she was all roiled up about "what she'll say about my not being there for so long, and what I'm supposed to tell her about the last nine months...." etc, etc.... Her feeling Tuesday night was that she still doesn't know where things stand, what's so wrong, "Why YOUR mood (speaking of me...) swings have gotten so extreme" etc, etc.... The marriage thing... all of that.
While the mood didn't go completely south, I could tell she was quite anxious last night and today.....
Anyway, we'd made a date to have lunch today, and I knew darn well her T appt was at 11 a.m.....
But, did she say anything about it? No.
That's OK. Fine with me..... Just interesting.....
M had her first in months session with her T today -- but I'm not supposed to know that. Like I said in a previous message, she was all roiled up about "what she'll say about my not being there for so long, and what I'm supposed to tell her about the last nine months...." etc, etc.... Her feeling Tuesday night was that she still doesn't know where things stand, what's so wrong, "Why YOUR mood (speaking of me...) swings have gotten so extreme" etc, etc.... The marriage thing... all of that.
While the mood didn't go completely south, I could tell she was quite anxious last night and today.....
Anyway, we'd made a date to have lunch today, and I knew darn well her T appt was at 11 a.m.....
But, did she say anything about it? No.
That's OK. Fine with me..... Just interesting.....
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Last night, familiar pattern
I have troubles at work. Little tense about it, but not bad. Had an after work obligation. Home about 7:30 p. Early evening OK, though.
But, she often tends toward a low point / crash if I'm needing emotional support -- she just has a tough time sustaining that support, even though she tries.
I was a little tired from a restless night (we'd made love, but I didn't ejaculate, which is OK. But, that, and whatever else, made M restless. I think I was just a little restless due to life at the moment -- maybe a little worried that she'd felt "rejected" even though she'd had lots of attention. Anyway, restless night, worked hard in the yard during the day. Busy p.m. at work, evening.... I was tired.
I started to get a little sleepy by 8:30 p.m. and about that time, M wanted to be kissy. Which was fine, but she caught that I was drowsy. She's never very graceful about that. Not hostile. But, she could be more tolerant of it when it happens. So, she didn't react much, but she did sit back up and leave me alone. Sat close, etc..... but... it seemed like a little bit of a first step toward trouble.
Just a little later, she asked me how my therapy was going and what we were talking about. Dangerous territory -- I don't like being quizzed about that, feel my privacy is violated. She knows it makes me bothered..... I was cordial, general in my response.
Step two toward trouble.
A little while later, I couldn't find her. Finally did. Out on the front porch. Clearly troubled thinking (and after not too long, clearly alcohol influenced).
Seems she's scheduled an appt with HER T (which ought to be good). And, she has "no idea how to explain the last nine months, because I have no answers...", etc.
Talked of MY extreme mood swings (from her perspective)....
Touched the marriage bit, too.
She talked about the differences in the self-help books we have tended toward.
About her concern that my T and I are working at cross-purposes to M (meaning, I think, NOT automatically toward preserving the relationship)).
I mostly listened. Especially when she got a little excited and extra upset. Seemed to me she probably had not had enough to eat, had her beers..... was affected....
and, yes, clearly troubled about what to tell her T
For me, it's amazing that she doesn't see much of her own role....
anyway, we got through that without a fight, or significant trouble. Watched TV peacefully and companionably up through the news....
But, she didn't sleep as close. Slept in a way that makes me think she had to use some chemical assistance.... which is fine.... but a bad sign, in a way.
Guess we'll see what today, tomorrow, and other days bring, as each of us try to live more in the day and more mindfully.
But, she often tends toward a low point / crash if I'm needing emotional support -- she just has a tough time sustaining that support, even though she tries.
I was a little tired from a restless night (we'd made love, but I didn't ejaculate, which is OK. But, that, and whatever else, made M restless. I think I was just a little restless due to life at the moment -- maybe a little worried that she'd felt "rejected" even though she'd had lots of attention. Anyway, restless night, worked hard in the yard during the day. Busy p.m. at work, evening.... I was tired.
I started to get a little sleepy by 8:30 p.m. and about that time, M wanted to be kissy. Which was fine, but she caught that I was drowsy. She's never very graceful about that. Not hostile. But, she could be more tolerant of it when it happens. So, she didn't react much, but she did sit back up and leave me alone. Sat close, etc..... but... it seemed like a little bit of a first step toward trouble.
Just a little later, she asked me how my therapy was going and what we were talking about. Dangerous territory -- I don't like being quizzed about that, feel my privacy is violated. She knows it makes me bothered..... I was cordial, general in my response.
Step two toward trouble.
A little while later, I couldn't find her. Finally did. Out on the front porch. Clearly troubled thinking (and after not too long, clearly alcohol influenced).
Seems she's scheduled an appt with HER T (which ought to be good). And, she has "no idea how to explain the last nine months, because I have no answers...", etc.
Talked of MY extreme mood swings (from her perspective)....
Touched the marriage bit, too.
She talked about the differences in the self-help books we have tended toward.
About her concern that my T and I are working at cross-purposes to M (meaning, I think, NOT automatically toward preserving the relationship)).
I mostly listened. Especially when she got a little excited and extra upset. Seemed to me she probably had not had enough to eat, had her beers..... was affected....
and, yes, clearly troubled about what to tell her T
For me, it's amazing that she doesn't see much of her own role....
anyway, we got through that without a fight, or significant trouble. Watched TV peacefully and companionably up through the news....
But, she didn't sleep as close. Slept in a way that makes me think she had to use some chemical assistance.... which is fine.... but a bad sign, in a way.
Guess we'll see what today, tomorrow, and other days bring, as each of us try to live more in the day and more mindfully.
Last couple weeks - OK
She came home, we were "connected" for a few days. Went on vacation with her Sis. Been back since end of April. Been getting along pretty much.
Normal, for us, so far
until last night... she went into an odd state of mind over seeing her T later in the week....
Normal, for us, so far
until last night... she went into an odd state of mind over seeing her T later in the week....
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
It is very wearying
always having to be "up" and never remotely needy or bothered.... Life's a little tough for me right now, and it apparently shows through in some of my phone conversations with M.
Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.
And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.
Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....
Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.
Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).
I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.
So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.
But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.
OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.
Seems a little one way.
It's really put me off.
I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.
sigh.....
Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.
And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.
Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....
Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.
Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).
I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.
So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.
But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.
OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.
Seems a little one way.
It's really put me off.
I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.
sigh.....
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
91 minutes!
M was traveling back northward today. She's to arrive tommorrow. Unpack and repack Friday to head to Myrtle Beach with her sister on Friday -- staying for a week.
I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.
Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).
But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.
It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.
I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."
and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....
I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.
I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.
Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).
But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.
It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.
I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."
and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....
I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.
Monday, April 16, 2007
No surpise -- a freakout
Yup. M managed to get all freaked out yesterday and took it out on me today. Apparently most of it started with my p.m. phone conversation with her yesterday before I went to see Le Miz. She asked if I was planning to see any shows. I was trying to spare her feelings about not being her.... didn't want her to feel more deprived over not coming.... So, I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to say -- that I needed to know for sure that she wanted to know -- or if she'd really rather not. She took that negatively. Decided I was playing cat and mouse.... I did finally tell her. Turned out she wasn't real interested in Le Miz anyway -- part of my reluctance was my presumption she would be disappointed not to see it....
So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....
Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:
"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"
Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)
followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"
By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "
Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."
I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.
I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"
I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.
At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.
She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."
I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.
But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.
So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....
Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:
"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"
Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)
followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"
By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "
Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."
I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.
I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"
I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.
At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.
She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."
I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.
But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
too much crazymaking
woke up this a.m. thinking about last night's extended conversation. She looped back over lots of old, negative history.... which is something she does when she's getting overwhelmed and there's too much crazymaking going on. I'm going to send her an email suggesting she cut the contact with both kids way back. One is making her crazy, the other is giving her details about the troubled brother that she doesn't want to hear and that is just crazymaking.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Hour and a half!!
Phone call. Most of it repeats of many past conversations.
really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.
She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.
really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.
She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.
Last week or ten days
have been different. Interesting.
M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.
For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....
Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......
Wears me out.
Sounded a bit under the influence to me....
But, I managed to stay patient.
It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....
She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.
She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....
I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.
M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.
For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....
Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......
Wears me out.
Sounded a bit under the influence to me....
But, I managed to stay patient.
It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....
She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.
She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....
I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Her summer intentions
She also shared her summer intentions this a.m. as part of her part of it.
Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.
Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.
Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....
and it was....
we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.
Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....
Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.
Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.
Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....
and it was....
we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.
Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....
The usual rejection stuff
Of course, today she's paying me back for rejecting her. For daring to "deliberately" reject her. Etc, etc.
Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.
Most easily frustrated in interactions.
Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).
And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).
Tried to listen much.
Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.
Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.
Most easily frustrated in interactions.
Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).
And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).
Tried to listen much.
Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.
Truly beyond
M walks in last night, all smiley, almost 10 p.m..... "I came home because I miss you and I want to make love with you."
what????!!! I'm thinking, this is just out there. All the conflict that I left FL under. All the conflict we'd been having when we touch base since. And this??
I had mostly left her be, turning my phone off and such. She used that as an excuse for surprising me. "I tried to call you, but you had your phone off and the land line off hook so I couldn't reach you...." "I didn't book the flight until yesterday..."
"I DID leave a message that 'I had a question'"
I recall that. It was during the stuff referenced in my entry of http://bpdoz.blogspot.com/2007/04/hard-to-ignore-her-but-im-trying.html describing the night before. And her "question" message was edgy and of a negative tone. Not something I was anxious to respond to.
But somehow, SHE shook all that off by Wednesday and went ahead and made her flight arrangements. For purposes, as she's stated them that seem terribly inappropriate.
It was tempting. I knew what she wanted. She's still quite beautiful and we make wonderful love together when we're connected in that way... But, still, to expect to walk in, completely unexpectedly, with virtually every recent communication being conflicted and literally have the orchestra come up and the couple fall into rapturous love.... is a bit much.
what????!!! I'm thinking, this is just out there. All the conflict that I left FL under. All the conflict we'd been having when we touch base since. And this??
I had mostly left her be, turning my phone off and such. She used that as an excuse for surprising me. "I tried to call you, but you had your phone off and the land line off hook so I couldn't reach you...." "I didn't book the flight until yesterday..."
"I DID leave a message that 'I had a question'"
I recall that. It was during the stuff referenced in my entry of http://bpdoz.blogspot.com/2007/04/hard-to-ignore-her-but-im-trying.html describing the night before. And her "question" message was edgy and of a negative tone. Not something I was anxious to respond to.
But somehow, SHE shook all that off by Wednesday and went ahead and made her flight arrangements. For purposes, as she's stated them that seem terribly inappropriate.
It was tempting. I knew what she wanted. She's still quite beautiful and we make wonderful love together when we're connected in that way... But, still, to expect to walk in, completely unexpectedly, with virtually every recent communication being conflicted and literally have the orchestra come up and the couple fall into rapturous love.... is a bit much.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Shhhh... it's a secret
Or, the games they play....
Well, M is "secretly" on her way here. I had an elderly aunt die recently, services this Saturday.... and I think that might be the excuse for her unexpected showing....
Of course, there's also the "crazy" she's going over my not engaging with her and not being altogether open on where things stand between us (the FTF thing....)
So, here's the story and what I know at this point.
Early last evening, her son called me. "You didn't hear it from me.... but I thought you should have a heads-up that Mom might be on her way up here.... I got a text message from her that said something like, 'you might see me sooner than expected.'" He went on to say he didn't really know what she was doing / planning. But, he thought maybe she'd be on her way up here real soon.
Sidenote: my T, with me resisting the engagement, negative or otherwise, and with my being prepared to offer to talk about the relationship by phone if that's what M chooses.... predicted M would head up soon.... shortly after any such talk... the better to force some additional engagement. THIS bit, however is unexpected.
Anyway, the kid only gave me part of the story (no surprise, he's shady.... a liar's liar.)
I called M's sis, to let her know that maybe M was on her way, probably driving.... and therefore sis wouldn't have to drive by herself to Myrtle Beach later this month.... But, Sis says, "Oh... no, I can fill in some blanks for you..."
Turns out M had emailed Sis and told her she had booked a flight to come in Thursday night.... that I'd had an Aunt pass... not that she'd be invited to go to services... and well, her flight back was on Easter Sunday and if she needed a ride, could Sis give her one...
So, here's what I think is up. At a minimum, M is trying to make another "caring ploy" to show me how much she cares and can be supportive in a time of loss.... And, well, I would not be surprised if she tries to pin me down tomorrow on the relationship talk, FTF, that we've been needing to have.
I'm not thrilled. I have a cold. An infection and I need my rest. I don't need crazy disturbing me. But, as always, I'll be gracious... or, if needed, I'll lash out in the anger she seems so often to crave....
Well, M is "secretly" on her way here. I had an elderly aunt die recently, services this Saturday.... and I think that might be the excuse for her unexpected showing....
Of course, there's also the "crazy" she's going over my not engaging with her and not being altogether open on where things stand between us (the FTF thing....)
So, here's the story and what I know at this point.
Early last evening, her son called me. "You didn't hear it from me.... but I thought you should have a heads-up that Mom might be on her way up here.... I got a text message from her that said something like, 'you might see me sooner than expected.'" He went on to say he didn't really know what she was doing / planning. But, he thought maybe she'd be on her way up here real soon.
Sidenote: my T, with me resisting the engagement, negative or otherwise, and with my being prepared to offer to talk about the relationship by phone if that's what M chooses.... predicted M would head up soon.... shortly after any such talk... the better to force some additional engagement. THIS bit, however is unexpected.
Anyway, the kid only gave me part of the story (no surprise, he's shady.... a liar's liar.)
I called M's sis, to let her know that maybe M was on her way, probably driving.... and therefore sis wouldn't have to drive by herself to Myrtle Beach later this month.... But, Sis says, "Oh... no, I can fill in some blanks for you..."
Turns out M had emailed Sis and told her she had booked a flight to come in Thursday night.... that I'd had an Aunt pass... not that she'd be invited to go to services... and well, her flight back was on Easter Sunday and if she needed a ride, could Sis give her one...
So, here's what I think is up. At a minimum, M is trying to make another "caring ploy" to show me how much she cares and can be supportive in a time of loss.... And, well, I would not be surprised if she tries to pin me down tomorrow on the relationship talk, FTF, that we've been needing to have.
I'm not thrilled. I have a cold. An infection and I need my rest. I don't need crazy disturbing me. But, as always, I'll be gracious... or, if needed, I'll lash out in the anger she seems so often to crave....
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Hard to ignore her, but I'm trying
Trying to break my habit of taking her calls and responding to her messages no matter what their tone. My T kinda thinks I should just delete them without reading or listening... Yipe!!
I suppose my reluctance to do that is a bit on the addictive relationship side of things....
Anyway, it drives me crazy to get this txt @ 8:00 p, last night:
"I hope you can be proud of yourself. Just as I knew.....surgery was the last straw....I had hoped it would bring us closer to gether but it only provide you more opportunites..." (then an odd symbol appears, which might indicate the system truncated the message or something. Who knows.) anyway I suppose she was going to accuse me some more of abusive behavior....
I was disgusted and disgruntled to receive that message, so I turned off my phone and took the land line off hook....
This a.m. I found that at 8:23p she tried to call and left me a VM, "I just wanted to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no answer. But, plainly YOU aren't talking to me."
Then@ 8:30p, she sent the txt: "Are you having a bad day?"
(in other words, why aren't you responding to my need for attention).
Has she no concept of the emotional instability that series of messages shows? (rhetorical question).
I suppose my reluctance to do that is a bit on the addictive relationship side of things....
Anyway, it drives me crazy to get this txt @ 8:00 p, last night:
"I hope you can be proud of yourself. Just as I knew.....surgery was the last straw....I had hoped it would bring us closer to gether but it only provide you more opportunites..." (then an odd symbol appears, which might indicate the system truncated the message or something. Who knows.) anyway I suppose she was going to accuse me some more of abusive behavior....
I was disgusted and disgruntled to receive that message, so I turned off my phone and took the land line off hook....
This a.m. I found that at 8:23p she tried to call and left me a VM, "I just wanted to ask you a simple question. Just a yes or no answer. But, plainly YOU aren't talking to me."
Then@ 8:30p, she sent the txt: "Are you having a bad day?"
(in other words, why aren't you responding to my need for attention).
Has she no concept of the emotional instability that series of messages shows? (rhetorical question).
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Can't just send a letter, per the T
Yeah, I couldn't resist. I did manage to run the idea of just sending a Dear Jane letter past my T. As I thought, the said NOPE, that's the coward's way out. Gotta talk.
Sigh. That'll be tough, tough, tough.
And, I'm thinking she's got herself anxious enough to really want to know where things stand, even if by phone and even if she is 1200 miles away and away from all her familiar caregivers.
I hope, but don't really expect, that she'll not choose to wait until she's here and we can be FTF for this....
Breaks my heart, but my well-being and my ability to heal and thrive depends on doing this.
Sigh. That'll be tough, tough, tough.
And, I'm thinking she's got herself anxious enough to really want to know where things stand, even if by phone and even if she is 1200 miles away and away from all her familiar caregivers.
I hope, but don't really expect, that she'll not choose to wait until she's here and we can be FTF for this....
Breaks my heart, but my well-being and my ability to heal and thrive depends on doing this.
preparing for the conversation
Well, I'm going to have an extra session with my T tomorrow. We're going to talk about how to go about telling her that it's over.
We'd agreed to do "relationship" discussions FTF.... but, M is clearly going out of her mind wondering just how bad things are and where things stand.
So, Monday, my T (late in the session, but that was my fault) said that I should email her and pose the question, "Do you want to have the conversation about the status and future of this relationship over the phone, or wait until we can do so FTF"
That way, it becomes HER decision, and I'm not breaking a promise by speaking to it by phone if that's what she's wanting. Resolution, or whatever....
but I need to have it sorted through before laying the groundwork and having the conversation.
But, there is little doubt in my mind. It's time. Time to say exactly where things are. AT an end. That we cannot continue as a primary couple.... I don't know where it may end up someday, but what we have is not working and I donm't see it working as a significant other relationship or married, or whatever.
She's too needy, and I'm too tired of the BS and the drama.
We'd agreed to do "relationship" discussions FTF.... but, M is clearly going out of her mind wondering just how bad things are and where things stand.
So, Monday, my T (late in the session, but that was my fault) said that I should email her and pose the question, "Do you want to have the conversation about the status and future of this relationship over the phone, or wait until we can do so FTF"
That way, it becomes HER decision, and I'm not breaking a promise by speaking to it by phone if that's what she's wanting. Resolution, or whatever....
but I need to have it sorted through before laying the groundwork and having the conversation.
But, there is little doubt in my mind. It's time. Time to say exactly where things are. AT an end. That we cannot continue as a primary couple.... I don't know where it may end up someday, but what we have is not working and I donm't see it working as a significant other relationship or married, or whatever.
She's too needy, and I'm too tired of the BS and the drama.
trying my patience
Well, I'm trying really hard to leave M be, and NOT jump to when a call or message comes through. Of course, I know she'll find that terribly alarming, but that's not my problem.
A familiar pattern though. After tangling with me Sunday night, she called at 6 a.m. today "hoping I have a good day and to tell me she loves me..." then.... tonight, predictably, I heard a call come in -- no mesage left... so I left it be... then, a few minutes ago, just after 8p, I got an text message tonight, clearly under the influence and leaning toward upset, all about how "I hope you're proud of yourself.... and I knew my thumb surgery was going to the the last straw".... etc, etc.
In other words, since I didn't contact her today, now she's got to make trouble and externalize blame for the difficulties in this relationship....
No surprises.
Anyway, I find it terribly hard NOT to engage with her. Part of that addictive relationship stuff I've discovered.
OTOH, instead of responding or calling her or any of that... and taking into account that I really am, still, pretty angry about Sunday's late day conversations and arguments....
So, after receiving her troubled text message, my response was to take the land line off hook and turn my cell phone off.
She can stew, but I don't have to take the calls or obsess about them.
In fact, my T is encouraging me to just delete them rather than bother to read or listen, when there's good reason to believe they're just troubled and troublesome.
A familiar pattern though. After tangling with me Sunday night, she called at 6 a.m. today "hoping I have a good day and to tell me she loves me..." then.... tonight, predictably, I heard a call come in -- no mesage left... so I left it be... then, a few minutes ago, just after 8p, I got an text message tonight, clearly under the influence and leaning toward upset, all about how "I hope you're proud of yourself.... and I knew my thumb surgery was going to the the last straw".... etc, etc.
In other words, since I didn't contact her today, now she's got to make trouble and externalize blame for the difficulties in this relationship....
No surprises.
Anyway, I find it terribly hard NOT to engage with her. Part of that addictive relationship stuff I've discovered.
OTOH, instead of responding or calling her or any of that... and taking into account that I really am, still, pretty angry about Sunday's late day conversations and arguments....
So, after receiving her troubled text message, my response was to take the land line off hook and turn my cell phone off.
She can stew, but I don't have to take the calls or obsess about them.
In fact, my T is encouraging me to just delete them rather than bother to read or listen, when there's good reason to believe they're just troubled and troublesome.
Monday, April 2, 2007
An apt description
posted by a fellow partner of BPD folk on the Yahoo group Welcome To Oz on April 1:
Bpd is the illness of intimacy and love. And the bpd behaviour and
traits only appear when the bpd person develops those feelings towards
another person. Then the inevitable course takes its path. I
subscribe to the illness being the result of childhood trauma,
neglect, abuse. In any shape or form. A child wants to love and to be
loved. For her or his love to be rejected or abused hurts them and
confuses them. They try time and time again to receive parental love,
only to be pushed further into a safe place in their mind. When they
are not shown love or loved back. Eventually the only person they can
trust is themselves, but they cant even love themselves. For they are
in total confusion.
And as they develop into adult children the illness manifests itself
each and everytime they develop feelings for another adult child.
Their survival instinct kicks in. I will not be hurt, I cannot trust,
they will leave me.
I cant love them, I want to, but they will hurt me. I cannot be
rejected again, abandoned. I have to look after myself.
There is only me, I survived.
Hence the gas lighting, it is them not me. I am okay. The painting
black, they are going to hurt me. I'll get in first before I totally
give myself. Then I wont be hurt. I don't want to be abandoned like my
parents abandoned me. I hate rejection. But if I abandon and reject,
then I am safe.
There is only me, myself and my shadow.
I can't stand being alone, I need someone, I need love and praise, I
want to be accepted.
And the cycle repeats itself. The never ending circle that bpd is and
always will be.
So sad, but even sadder in that the bpds affects so many people who
develop intimacy with them, and there are many through their sad
lifetime. They are only ever a sad child in an adults body.
Their caregivers or parents are the ones that are or have really hurt
us. They live on through their child, still destroying, as they
destroyed the child they should have loved and nutured.
A bpd is and always will be a scared and tormented child in an adults
body.
And yes cunning, manipulative, etc. But isnt that what children are like.
Bpd is the illness of intimacy and love. And the bpd behaviour and
traits only appear when the bpd person develops those feelings towards
another person. Then the inevitable course takes its path. I
subscribe to the illness being the result of childhood trauma,
neglect, abuse. In any shape or form. A child wants to love and to be
loved. For her or his love to be rejected or abused hurts them and
confuses them. They try time and time again to receive parental love,
only to be pushed further into a safe place in their mind. When they
are not shown love or loved back. Eventually the only person they can
trust is themselves, but they cant even love themselves. For they are
in total confusion.
And as they develop into adult children the illness manifests itself
each and everytime they develop feelings for another adult child.
Their survival instinct kicks in. I will not be hurt, I cannot trust,
they will leave me.
I cant love them, I want to, but they will hurt me. I cannot be
rejected again, abandoned. I have to look after myself.
There is only me, I survived.
Hence the gas lighting, it is them not me. I am okay. The painting
black, they are going to hurt me. I'll get in first before I totally
give myself. Then I wont be hurt. I don't want to be abandoned like my
parents abandoned me. I hate rejection. But if I abandon and reject,
then I am safe.
There is only me, myself and my shadow.
I can't stand being alone, I need someone, I need love and praise, I
want to be accepted.
And the cycle repeats itself. The never ending circle that bpd is and
always will be.
So sad, but even sadder in that the bpds affects so many people who
develop intimacy with them, and there are many through their sad
lifetime. They are only ever a sad child in an adults body.
Their caregivers or parents are the ones that are or have really hurt
us. They live on through their child, still destroying, as they
destroyed the child they should have loved and nutured.
A bpd is and always will be a scared and tormented child in an adults
body.
And yes cunning, manipulative, etc. But isnt that what children are like.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
FTF or not?
OK, so plainly she's getting anxious to know the score for certain.
I haven't wanted to tell her other than FTF.... but, perhaps I should reconsider. A letter. Perhaps.
Maybe it's time to lay out the lay of the land, somehow, and someway.
She suspects... Bitterly making remarks like, "You've got it all worked out in YOUR head. With no invovlement from me...."
etc.
What a pain.
Maybe I should just lay the basics down on paper. That it has to end. Propose buying her out. Outlining my terms.... Maybe.
I haven't wanted to tell her other than FTF.... but, perhaps I should reconsider. A letter. Perhaps.
Maybe it's time to lay out the lay of the land, somehow, and someway.
She suspects... Bitterly making remarks like, "You've got it all worked out in YOUR head. With no invovlement from me...."
etc.
What a pain.
Maybe I should just lay the basics down on paper. That it has to end. Propose buying her out. Outlining my terms.... Maybe.
Left alone??!!
Amazing. She seems to think she's left me alone for the most part for the last week or longer. Amazing that she believes that. I had three or four contacts, email, voicemail, answering machine, on Friday night alone. She'd had another crisis -- this one over the rumored pregnancy of her younger boy's g.f..
Cried about how she "was having a crisis and she can't get ahold of me...."
Yet, two days later, she's got herself convinced she's scarcely contacted or bothered me.
Pah!
What nonsense.
Of coures, I know the pattern, and so do her kids. Even her sis. None of us care to talk with her after about 7p at night. Combinations of meds and alcohol....
Increasingly troubled messages. Sometimes completely inarticulate.
Yet, she's "hardly bothered me at all".
Bullpucky.
What utter nonsense.
Cried about how she "was having a crisis and she can't get ahold of me...."
Yet, two days later, she's got herself convinced she's scarcely contacted or bothered me.
Pah!
What nonsense.
Of coures, I know the pattern, and so do her kids. Even her sis. None of us care to talk with her after about 7p at night. Combinations of meds and alcohol....
Increasingly troubled messages. Sometimes completely inarticulate.
Yet, she's "hardly bothered me at all".
Bullpucky.
What utter nonsense.
What a p.m.
Well, this has been fun. Quiet this weekend. She'd left me be.... amazingly. So, dutifully, and not to mention to "pass the (probable) test", I called at about 4p today. Pleasant enough. Nothing special. Also didn't give her the answers and info she keeps looking for, which frustrates her. Signed off the call without incident.
Not 5 minutes later, she called and said, "Am I EVER going to be allowed to come home... or do I even HAVE a home anymore....?? " etc, To which I said, "We agreed to have relationship discussions FTF, not this way...."
Went went round a little. All the usual. I got quickly frustrated. Also touched my NYC trip. That, also, didn't go well. I told her it was business and I needed to not have a bunch of drama...which or course, irked her.
She COULD have reassured me that she would and could behave in a companionable and appropriate way, but instead she made a sarcsstic statement, "I'm sure I'd just embarrass and ??? you "
Anyway, long story short, today was really the last day I could change MY flight without a substantial penalty. And, unhappily, having to cancel her nonrefundable flight.... BUT, I cannot have all the distraction that taking "personal problems" with me to a business conference would cause.
Anyway, every part of me, every one I went to for ratification, if you will, agreed... There's no place for her on this trip, so I have cancelled her flight, changed mine, and shortened my hotel stay by a day.
NOW, I have no further need to accommodate her in my travelling. And, she can be here when she will and I will do what I must.
Not 5 minutes later, she called and said, "Am I EVER going to be allowed to come home... or do I even HAVE a home anymore....?? " etc, To which I said, "We agreed to have relationship discussions FTF, not this way...."
Went went round a little. All the usual. I got quickly frustrated. Also touched my NYC trip. That, also, didn't go well. I told her it was business and I needed to not have a bunch of drama...which or course, irked her.
She COULD have reassured me that she would and could behave in a companionable and appropriate way, but instead she made a sarcsstic statement, "I'm sure I'd just embarrass and ??? you "
Anyway, long story short, today was really the last day I could change MY flight without a substantial penalty. And, unhappily, having to cancel her nonrefundable flight.... BUT, I cannot have all the distraction that taking "personal problems" with me to a business conference would cause.
Anyway, every part of me, every one I went to for ratification, if you will, agreed... There's no place for her on this trip, so I have cancelled her flight, changed mine, and shortened my hotel stay by a day.
NOW, I have no further need to accommodate her in my travelling. And, she can be here when she will and I will do what I must.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Astrology reading
a few thoughts to record, just to refer to in the future looking back. The astrologer told me as much as to end this relationship soon and be done with it. Indicated taht M, should she do self harm as we are afraid of, may very well do it in a way that could injure me, if I am not careful. Suggested that I might not want to let her drive if she is upset.....
She also thought it was MORE likely, though, that M would shortly find someone else -- someone more to her equal (in lunacy, from what it sounds like). But, equal, at least....
She suggested quite strongly that I need to stop trying to make all others happy, and balanced. Rather, that I need to see to my own happiness and well being....
a similar message as from other sources.
She also thought it was MORE likely, though, that M would shortly find someone else -- someone more to her equal (in lunacy, from what it sounds like). But, equal, at least....
She suggested quite strongly that I need to stop trying to make all others happy, and balanced. Rather, that I need to see to my own happiness and well being....
a similar message as from other sources.
Strange couple days
Yes, it's been a strange few days. Problems at work. Will calm down eventually. Had a reading with an astrologer that was very very interesting. Very.
So, last night I'm out to celebrate my youngest son's 30th b-day... and M hasa yet another night-time crisis.
Near as I can figure out, she was talking with her older son, probably whining about her younger boy staying in Michigan and staying involved with a girl mom doessn't really care for.... Anyway, the older boy must have said something about the girl being pregnant....
Happens to be untrue, although there was a scare 6 or 8 weeks ago. Anyway, 10:11 last night, M sent me an email that boiled down to oh, god... and the boy's too young... and all that. And, by 10:40 or so she'd left one somewhat lucid message on the answering machine at home... and two more on my cell phone voicemail shortly (?) thereafter that was almost completely unintelligible.
Meltdown.... meltdown....
Today, she didn't answer her phone.... but, I see she's left a sarcastic txt mail for me.
Anyway, I talked to the younger boy. He confirmed that his brother had it messed up. No current pregnancy scare. Meanwhile, late this p.m., I see the older boy sent me a text wondering if I'd heard anything about J getting married....
Weird, weird, weird.
Then, there's the matter of a sudden and unexpected death in my family. I had a very elderly aunt die yesterday in an accidental brush and grass fire. She was burning trash.... and it got away from her. I really liked her. Anyway, an odd and sudden death for a gracious and interesting woman. I'll miss her.
So, last night I'm out to celebrate my youngest son's 30th b-day... and M hasa yet another night-time crisis.
Near as I can figure out, she was talking with her older son, probably whining about her younger boy staying in Michigan and staying involved with a girl mom doessn't really care for.... Anyway, the older boy must have said something about the girl being pregnant....
Happens to be untrue, although there was a scare 6 or 8 weeks ago. Anyway, 10:11 last night, M sent me an email that boiled down to oh, god... and the boy's too young... and all that. And, by 10:40 or so she'd left one somewhat lucid message on the answering machine at home... and two more on my cell phone voicemail shortly (?) thereafter that was almost completely unintelligible.
Meltdown.... meltdown....
Today, she didn't answer her phone.... but, I see she's left a sarcastic txt mail for me.
Anyway, I talked to the younger boy. He confirmed that his brother had it messed up. No current pregnancy scare. Meanwhile, late this p.m., I see the older boy sent me a text wondering if I'd heard anything about J getting married....
Weird, weird, weird.
Then, there's the matter of a sudden and unexpected death in my family. I had a very elderly aunt die yesterday in an accidental brush and grass fire. She was burning trash.... and it got away from her. I really liked her. Anyway, an odd and sudden death for a gracious and interesting woman. I'll miss her.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Pathological dependency
My T used an interesting phrase this week. Actually, two. At one point she said, "You know, (re: M) it's really pathological dependency".
I mentioned that multiple esoteric sources have told me that M is badly "stuck" and that this relationship in this form really is keeping her stuck.
T observed that it seems that either the relationship has to change / end OR M will essentially remain an invalid -- emotionally speaking, of course.
I told her I might use that phrase, but I was kidding. Saying to an invalid, who doesn't recognized their high degree of invalidity, is asking for terrible trouble.
I mentioned that multiple esoteric sources have told me that M is badly "stuck" and that this relationship in this form really is keeping her stuck.
T observed that it seems that either the relationship has to change / end OR M will essentially remain an invalid -- emotionally speaking, of course.
I told her I might use that phrase, but I was kidding. Saying to an invalid, who doesn't recognized their high degree of invalidity, is asking for terrible trouble.
For crying out loud, already
I had a few rough days this week. Troubles at work that were worrying me. M finally caught on that I actually WAS very concerned and troubled.... and decided to be the same, sort of on my behalf.... but of course, she cannot remotely touch any crisis of mine without becoming crisis-bound herself.... Cannot shift the focus within from her own pain and trouble to anyone elses......
So, yesterday / last night was finally the critical moment I'd been waiting for. She had gotten confused, as often happens, and thought the event was on Tuesday, and had gotten al worked up when I didn't talk to her Tuesday night (I don't like to talk to her after early evening, as she usually has had too much self medication -- pills and beer or wine. )
When I corrected her understanding, she fretted and worried, and got upset again about her own situation, etc, etc....
Of course, what I needed was some REAL partnership, not a situation where my "partner" goes into crisis because I"M trying to hold off a crisis of my own....
But, of course, she crashed. She had asked me to be sure to call her and "let me know the outcome". Well, it was 9:00 p.m. before a final resolution occurred. I wanted to keep the call brief, because of the time of night and because for the first time in a while, I was headed out to the pub with friends, after a long, hard day and evening.....
I call. She's deep, deep in crisis. Weeping.... very sad.... yet another round.
First I engaged a little, "why are you weeping?" (thnking to myself, why did you insist I call you if you are just going to be in emotional crisis I didn't cause and can't do anything about).... She says, "Oh, let's see. 1300 miles from home. All alone, I don't know anybody... no place to go, etc, etc....I don't know, why do you suppose I'm weeping?"
Speech is slow, almost slurred. Wanted "to talk about things" "needed me" all that jazz. I wouldn't have it. Begged off the phone and went on about my late evening.
Of course, she called back minutes later. I made the mistake of taking it. She finally pressed my buttons enough to make me angry.... hung up.Turned her phone off, etc, etc.
I left it be at that point. Couldn't do otherwise.
Of course, when I am finally on my way home ( a 25 minute trip from where I was at ) at 10:40 p.m, she decided to call. In not better condition. Maybe worse. Now offended that "you're out so late" (she often asserts that if I'm out with her I get tired; that I'm always tired by 10:30 p -- which at home is true -- unless I'm out with people -- other than her -- then I'm able to stay away-- what's that say about being with me, she'll say...
On and on. Went round about just a little, when I told her I really thought she needed to hang up and get some sleep. "I haven't slept in 3 days -- I've been worrying about you and your situation...."
I finally said, "I'm going to hang up now and let you go to sleep. I hope you get some rest...." and I did.
Now, mind you, at this point apparently she'd already voicemailed me on my phone about 6 times (haven't listened to or recorded those yet) AND about 8 more messages left on the answering machine at home. Several of which are pretty unintelligible.
So, again I say.... for crying out loud already.
So, yesterday / last night was finally the critical moment I'd been waiting for. She had gotten confused, as often happens, and thought the event was on Tuesday, and had gotten al worked up when I didn't talk to her Tuesday night (I don't like to talk to her after early evening, as she usually has had too much self medication -- pills and beer or wine. )
When I corrected her understanding, she fretted and worried, and got upset again about her own situation, etc, etc....
Of course, what I needed was some REAL partnership, not a situation where my "partner" goes into crisis because I"M trying to hold off a crisis of my own....
But, of course, she crashed. She had asked me to be sure to call her and "let me know the outcome". Well, it was 9:00 p.m. before a final resolution occurred. I wanted to keep the call brief, because of the time of night and because for the first time in a while, I was headed out to the pub with friends, after a long, hard day and evening.....
I call. She's deep, deep in crisis. Weeping.... very sad.... yet another round.
First I engaged a little, "why are you weeping?" (thnking to myself, why did you insist I call you if you are just going to be in emotional crisis I didn't cause and can't do anything about).... She says, "Oh, let's see. 1300 miles from home. All alone, I don't know anybody... no place to go, etc, etc....I don't know, why do you suppose I'm weeping?"
Speech is slow, almost slurred. Wanted "to talk about things" "needed me" all that jazz. I wouldn't have it. Begged off the phone and went on about my late evening.
Of course, she called back minutes later. I made the mistake of taking it. She finally pressed my buttons enough to make me angry.... hung up.Turned her phone off, etc, etc.
I left it be at that point. Couldn't do otherwise.
Of course, when I am finally on my way home ( a 25 minute trip from where I was at ) at 10:40 p.m, she decided to call. In not better condition. Maybe worse. Now offended that "you're out so late" (she often asserts that if I'm out with her I get tired; that I'm always tired by 10:30 p -- which at home is true -- unless I'm out with people -- other than her -- then I'm able to stay away-- what's that say about being with me, she'll say...
On and on. Went round about just a little, when I told her I really thought she needed to hang up and get some sleep. "I haven't slept in 3 days -- I've been worrying about you and your situation...."
I finally said, "I'm going to hang up now and let you go to sleep. I hope you get some rest...." and I did.
Now, mind you, at this point apparently she'd already voicemailed me on my phone about 6 times (haven't listened to or recorded those yet) AND about 8 more messages left on the answering machine at home. Several of which are pretty unintelligible.
So, again I say.... for crying out loud already.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Apt movies
So, after the days like the last few with M, plus the behavior or lack of communication today.... guess I couldn't resist the irony of the movies that caught my eye to watch this evening.
Just got done watching "Girl Interrupted" (about a young borderline woman)..... during that movie, the inmates at one point were watching "The Wizard of Oz" which was probably a deliberate bit. After all, those of us who are partners to BPD people look to Oz as an allegory for our situations. Probably part of why it was included in the movie -- an "inside joke".
Anyway, I can't resist but put the Wizard on following the other movie....
Just too apt. Too fitting. Too ironic.....
Just got done watching "Girl Interrupted" (about a young borderline woman)..... during that movie, the inmates at one point were watching "The Wizard of Oz" which was probably a deliberate bit. After all, those of us who are partners to BPD people look to Oz as an allegory for our situations. Probably part of why it was included in the movie -- an "inside joke".
Anyway, I can't resist but put the Wizard on following the other movie....
Just too apt. Too fitting. Too ironic.....
Classic, or what?
Well, I've tried repeatedly to reach M today.... doing my duty. She's had her phone turned off. Who knows what she might have done or be up to. Could be orneriness, or could be self-harm. I suppose if I don't reach her tomorrow or hear from her, I'd better send the Naples police to check. Got a e-postcard from her at almost 4:00 p.m., but who knows when it was actually sent or generated.
But, I do not have control over this.... or the outcome of what she may have done or be up to. Only she does.
But, the behavior is classic.... .
But, I do not have control over this.... or the outcome of what she may have done or be up to. Only she does.
But, the behavior is classic.... .
Mixed feelings, definitely mixed
Wow.
Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.
Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.
YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.
Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.
Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.
Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.
Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.
I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....
I just don't know.
Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.
Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.
YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.
Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.
Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.
Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.
Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.
I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....
I just don't know.
last night's conversation
M called last night and actually stayed pretty reasonable... although, she got my goat eventually as she kept casting about for reassuring and "caring" words from me. Hard to describe her tone very accurately. She sounded like she hadn't been drinking much or taken too much in the way of valium or xanax. Sounded like she was trying to stay emminently reasonable. Although, it became obvious as I began to react to the attempts to entrap me... that she was also trying to be the "good guy" to my "bad guy".... or whatever.
I got pretty antsy and pissy a few times.... No doubt about that.
She also mentioned feeling pretty homesick at this point.....
Later, after I turned my phone off, she left a pleasant message about what a nice night, and the stars and all.... but, of course, by midnight, had melted down and left what almost sounded self destructive. Hard to tell.
OTOH, I received several pictures / emails this a.m..... which tells me she must not have done anything drastic as of 11:30 a.m. or so....
BUT, I didn't try to call her right away, as I was busy with some home business. Was 1:00p before I had a chance to try to give her a holler.
Well, her phone is OFF. Now it's past 4:00 p and the phone is still turned off....
Again, not sure what to make, or that I WANT to make much out of that.
But, I have to face that she may very well have done herself some self harm. If typical, a non-fatal dose of pills. But, one day she may succeed, and this could be the day. OTOH, turning her phone off may just be passive-aggressive behavior. Angry because I didn't call soon enough, or contrite enough or whatever.
I got pretty antsy and pissy a few times.... No doubt about that.
She also mentioned feeling pretty homesick at this point.....
Later, after I turned my phone off, she left a pleasant message about what a nice night, and the stars and all.... but, of course, by midnight, had melted down and left what almost sounded self destructive. Hard to tell.
OTOH, I received several pictures / emails this a.m..... which tells me she must not have done anything drastic as of 11:30 a.m. or so....
BUT, I didn't try to call her right away, as I was busy with some home business. Was 1:00p before I had a chance to try to give her a holler.
Well, her phone is OFF. Now it's past 4:00 p and the phone is still turned off....
Again, not sure what to make, or that I WANT to make much out of that.
But, I have to face that she may very well have done herself some self harm. If typical, a non-fatal dose of pills. But, one day she may succeed, and this could be the day. OTOH, turning her phone off may just be passive-aggressive behavior. Angry because I didn't call soon enough, or contrite enough or whatever.
Friday, March 23, 2007
what a week
this was.
Busy, busy at work. And M would not let up much. I don't know what is so hard to understand about taking some time apart and giving some space for thoughts and difficult feelings to get assessed and dealt with.
Every day, a message or two on the phone, email, often several midnight voicemails on the cell phone....
Then tonight, she tried to play it cool... "talk things over" get some reassurance, etc, etc....
Just frustrating as heck.
Again, in frustration, I told her just come on back and we'll deal with what we must. (She doesn't yet know for certain that I mean to break this off and be done with it. )
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Busy, busy at work. And M would not let up much. I don't know what is so hard to understand about taking some time apart and giving some space for thoughts and difficult feelings to get assessed and dealt with.
Every day, a message or two on the phone, email, often several midnight voicemails on the cell phone....
Then tonight, she tried to play it cool... "talk things over" get some reassurance, etc, etc....
Just frustrating as heck.
Again, in frustration, I told her just come on back and we'll deal with what we must. (She doesn't yet know for certain that I mean to break this off and be done with it. )
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
apart for awhile, but
what an excrutiating ride to the airport. M is clearly in a mindset to assume the relationship is altogether over. Kept picking, then wantin greassurances.... etc, etc. Blaming, weeping, all the usual.
I am sad to be here. at this point.
Lots of mixed messages. She cannot seem to grasp that I do care and love, but I cannot tolerate all of the chaos and instability. She doesn't view herself that way, particualrly, although she cleims to have been "much more stable 6 monbths ago.
almost turned aroud to pick me up.
Offered repeatedly to drive her and me back....
sh'e very sick
plane is beginning to boaqrd.
I am sad to be here. at this point.
Lots of mixed messages. She cannot seem to grasp that I do care and love, but I cannot tolerate all of the chaos and instability. She doesn't view herself that way, particualrly, although she cleims to have been "much more stable 6 monbths ago.
almost turned aroud to pick me up.
Offered repeatedly to drive her and me back....
sh'e very sick
plane is beginning to boaqrd.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
a more typical re-frame
after I came back from a walk, having been leaving her alone as it appears she wanted, she says, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong...."
The constant re-framing of reality
that a BPD person engages in is stunning. And hard to adjust to.
For instance, one M fell into the despair she's fallen into, she reframed the reason for her being here in FL, supposedly for the next month.
You see, her son had rented a condo, near the Gulf coast (Naples / Ft Meyer area) that he's not using, because he came "back home temporarily...." except, it's not so temporary after all. So, he's given notice here, but the place isn't being used for the next month+.
He and I BOTH had suggested, when M was feeling so distressed about life at our house (me too busy, 5 acres in the country too isolated, etc)) that she bring herself down here.
For me, I needed the break -- after all, I was right at the point of moving out of the house temporarily as it was.
So, at first, she made the arrangement to head here out of anger at me. Then, shifted her reality (like, shortly after the son said, "NO, he couldn't drive down here with her"). She played nice, cooed and such.... and I made the mistake of believing it would be OK to take a sudden week off to help her drive down and spend a few days together on vacation.
Naturally, she crashed. AND, NOW, the re-framing, off and on, is that I manipulated her to get her down here -- to be rid of her for a while.... yadayadayada.
From angry, to nice, to feeling taken advantage of. Breathtaking.
For instance, one M fell into the despair she's fallen into, she reframed the reason for her being here in FL, supposedly for the next month.
You see, her son had rented a condo, near the Gulf coast (Naples / Ft Meyer area) that he's not using, because he came "back home temporarily...." except, it's not so temporary after all. So, he's given notice here, but the place isn't being used for the next month+.
He and I BOTH had suggested, when M was feeling so distressed about life at our house (me too busy, 5 acres in the country too isolated, etc)) that she bring herself down here.
For me, I needed the break -- after all, I was right at the point of moving out of the house temporarily as it was.
So, at first, she made the arrangement to head here out of anger at me. Then, shifted her reality (like, shortly after the son said, "NO, he couldn't drive down here with her"). She played nice, cooed and such.... and I made the mistake of believing it would be OK to take a sudden week off to help her drive down and spend a few days together on vacation.
Naturally, she crashed. AND, NOW, the re-framing, off and on, is that I manipulated her to get her down here -- to be rid of her for a while.... yadayadayada.
From angry, to nice, to feeling taken advantage of. Breathtaking.
a breathe
Well, she just left, on her own, to go do her own shopping (I offered, she refused).
"Guess I have to figure it out" says she.
Well, I'm just glad to FINALLY have a short bit of breathing room. I know I obsess over her. That's got to / going to stop. But, man, it gets hard having someone who is pissed off at you around in some form every minute. Yipe.
I've had to post quick journal entries, as drafts, over the last few days to get things roughly recorded, but I've scarcely had any guaranteed private time.
So, this is it, at last.
Interesting to watch what she was doing at her computer. First she pursued a bit more information on the dietary approach I'd found for her condition.
Then, even though she told me she'd manage to get me to the airport (2.5 hours each way) tomorrow, she took a look at last minute flights between the nearby airport and TPA.
Seems silly, seeing as she insisted midmorning that there was NO need for me to rent a car to take myself, because she says, "I'll meet MY obligation(s)."
What a sentiment.
I'm feeling a bit run down after 2.5 days of tension and high stress. Her pain washes over all around her.
I finally know I cannot truly "cure it". Nowadays, I seem to be a significant contributor.
And, yes, it's virtually certain the next month is a transition toward significantly separate lives.
It may help her. It will be for the best for me.
"Guess I have to figure it out" says she.
Well, I'm just glad to FINALLY have a short bit of breathing room. I know I obsess over her. That's got to / going to stop. But, man, it gets hard having someone who is pissed off at you around in some form every minute. Yipe.
I've had to post quick journal entries, as drafts, over the last few days to get things roughly recorded, but I've scarcely had any guaranteed private time.
So, this is it, at last.
Interesting to watch what she was doing at her computer. First she pursued a bit more information on the dietary approach I'd found for her condition.
Then, even though she told me she'd manage to get me to the airport (2.5 hours each way) tomorrow, she took a look at last minute flights between the nearby airport and TPA.
Seems silly, seeing as she insisted midmorning that there was NO need for me to rent a car to take myself, because she says, "I'll meet MY obligation(s)."
What a sentiment.
I'm feeling a bit run down after 2.5 days of tension and high stress. Her pain washes over all around her.
I finally know I cannot truly "cure it". Nowadays, I seem to be a significant contributor.
And, yes, it's virtually certain the next month is a transition toward significantly separate lives.
It may help her. It will be for the best for me.
She's pretty sick
with IBS / intestinal bacterial overgrowth.
I'm a litte concerned about leaving her behind to cope with it on her own.
OTOH, she says her guts have been terrible ever since our last trip to FL. This is just a variation, and exacerbated by the extreme relationship / breakup mindset she's put herself into.
She insists she'll hold together for the 5 hour RT to the airport tomorrow. I would really rather have rented a car....
Of course, eventually, I could see she was checking flights between here and TPA to save herself the trouble. So, let me rent a car, for crying out loud.
I'm a litte concerned about leaving her behind to cope with it on her own.
OTOH, she says her guts have been terrible ever since our last trip to FL. This is just a variation, and exacerbated by the extreme relationship / breakup mindset she's put herself into.
She insists she'll hold together for the 5 hour RT to the airport tomorrow. I would really rather have rented a car....
Of course, eventually, I could see she was checking flights between here and TPA to save herself the trouble. So, let me rent a car, for crying out loud.
the ring thing
apparently, a onyx and diamonds ring I bought for her to show love meant more like "engagement" to her some years back. Varyingly, she's appreciated it, exoriated me for having bought a different ring than she sent me to the store for... reactions and history and remembrances have varied.
One negative habit she adopted a few months + ago was to return the ring.... whenever she clearly feels "it's over".
Sad to see her in such pain.
But, T says "you can't comfort whom you hurt".
Put it in my Dopp kit for now. Maybe I'll wear it occasionally to remember her by.
One negative habit she adopted a few months + ago was to return the ring.... whenever she clearly feels "it's over".
Sad to see her in such pain.
But, T says "you can't comfort whom you hurt".
Put it in my Dopp kit for now. Maybe I'll wear it occasionally to remember her by.
Friday, March 16, 2007
more of the same sad sack sh**
today. Worse than yesterday. Our "week together" before a month of separation, and she cannot get ahold of her negative feelings and turn them about.
I told her outright that it appears she's determined to leave things on a bad note... Too bad. I've tried to do otherwise. Thought she was trying, too.
But, she's had to plow the same ground over and over and over again. The bits about the crackers on Xmas day, the speech about leaving a few days later, on and on. She cannot / will not find emotional closure. Logic doesn't help.
Some things just will not change. Her negative nature is one. Her constant feeling of rejection and failure to measure up is another.
Nor will her tendency, deeply BPD, to reframe events and history.
Like the start of our relationship.
Of late, she's convinced herself that I seduced her from a stable, happy enough relationship. That I have used her to meet my unfilled sexual needs, etc, etc.
It's a huge, dramatic reframing. Actually, this one truly surprises me.... but, I suppose nothing really should
I told her outright that it appears she's determined to leave things on a bad note... Too bad. I've tried to do otherwise. Thought she was trying, too.
But, she's had to plow the same ground over and over and over again. The bits about the crackers on Xmas day, the speech about leaving a few days later, on and on. She cannot / will not find emotional closure. Logic doesn't help.
Some things just will not change. Her negative nature is one. Her constant feeling of rejection and failure to measure up is another.
Nor will her tendency, deeply BPD, to reframe events and history.
Like the start of our relationship.
Of late, she's convinced herself that I seduced her from a stable, happy enough relationship. That I have used her to meet my unfilled sexual needs, etc, etc.
It's a huge, dramatic reframing. Actually, this one truly surprises me.... but, I suppose nothing really should
sick and sad
she's heartsick, bodily sick, deeply sad.... assuming we're over, and in many ways, we are, no doubt.
She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."
Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.
Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.
One I have to find my cure for.
As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....
At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"
She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).
I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.
She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."
Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.
Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.
One I have to find my cure for.
As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....
At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"
She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).
I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
the wine
and the illness
does it every time. Meltdown city. Yup. Bottle of wine she thinks will make it better. Loosens her mouth and her feelings and makes it worse. Every time.
but she doesn't see it.
does it every time. Meltdown city. Yup. Bottle of wine she thinks will make it better. Loosens her mouth and her feelings and makes it worse. Every time.
but she doesn't see it.
crashed already
last night into today... of course. She can't sustain a good positive aspect.... All I have to do is say the wrong thing or fail to say the right one... etc, etc
In this case, late, pillow talk. She starts into how she's kind of scared to be down here on her own, away from me for a month, etc, etc.
Said, "I'm really going to miss you"
My response, instead of a like sentiment, was to say something like, "It's really too soon to be into all that, don't you think..??"
I don't know if I did or did not say I'd miss her to, but she's told me emphatically, several times since, that I did not....
that I clearly "just want to be rid of her".
Yup. She's riding the crash. Swung to black just that quick. she can't give it up, either.
Went on into today, although at times she seemed to be contrite about her overly emotional state of mind, and such...
But, overall, a misery.
PLUS, she's really quite physically ill. She hadn't really made me fully aware of the extent of her gastointestinal issues. Until she called me in to see the horrendous aftermath of an explosive diarrhea episode -- which I cleaned up.... pointing out to her, as she kept telling me she would clean it, that when she's looking for evidence that I love her -- it doesn't get a whole lot more loving than to clean up your loved one's shit.
anyway, we're pretty sure the cause is something called bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and we've come up with some natural remedies.
Of course, a whole lot of it is just plain stress induced. The stress she's feeling as a result of the extreme crash she's holding on to. The "failed relationship" stress and all that.
I imagine that one I vacate, and she's adjusted in a few days, she'll shake the intense stress and that will make the rest better by some, maybe by a lot.
In this case, late, pillow talk. She starts into how she's kind of scared to be down here on her own, away from me for a month, etc, etc.
Said, "I'm really going to miss you"
My response, instead of a like sentiment, was to say something like, "It's really too soon to be into all that, don't you think..??"
I don't know if I did or did not say I'd miss her to, but she's told me emphatically, several times since, that I did not....
that I clearly "just want to be rid of her".
Yup. She's riding the crash. Swung to black just that quick. she can't give it up, either.
Went on into today, although at times she seemed to be contrite about her overly emotional state of mind, and such...
But, overall, a misery.
PLUS, she's really quite physically ill. She hadn't really made me fully aware of the extent of her gastointestinal issues. Until she called me in to see the horrendous aftermath of an explosive diarrhea episode -- which I cleaned up.... pointing out to her, as she kept telling me she would clean it, that when she's looking for evidence that I love her -- it doesn't get a whole lot more loving than to clean up your loved one's shit.
anyway, we're pretty sure the cause is something called bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and we've come up with some natural remedies.
Of course, a whole lot of it is just plain stress induced. The stress she's feeling as a result of the extreme crash she's holding on to. The "failed relationship" stress and all that.
I imagine that one I vacate, and she's adjusted in a few days, she'll shake the intense stress and that will make the rest better by some, maybe by a lot.
ride went OK
Amazingly so. In fact, we got along pretty well for the packing and the 2 1/2 day trip to get to FL. Not likely to last, but nice while it has.
No bitter, harsh talk. No difficult subject matter. Just kind of trying to ignore the purpose and allow ourselves some decent time together....
Although, my work intruded more than I would have hoped. She appeared to be understanding, but one case she heard me handling brought back bitter memories of her own abuse at the hands of management.
Still, it was graceful all around. Peaceful. Companionable, even
No bitter, harsh talk. No difficult subject matter. Just kind of trying to ignore the purpose and allow ourselves some decent time together....
Although, my work intruded more than I would have hoped. She appeared to be understanding, but one case she heard me handling brought back bitter memories of her own abuse at the hands of management.
Still, it was graceful all around. Peaceful. Companionable, even
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Why she's going away in a good state of mind
Why, well, my opinion is that she finally found a way to make a somewhat autonomous decision about it, showed a little independence, AND found me still entirely understanding, accepting, and loving and encouraging.
I think it's been HUGE for her to decide to do this -- somewhat in a challenging way, but at least, to show a little bit of independence and autonomy.
Bully for M.
Should be an interesting month to six weeks.
I think it's been HUGE for her to decide to do this -- somewhat in a challenging way, but at least, to show a little bit of independence and autonomy.
Bully for M.
Should be an interesting month to six weeks.
Life's easier
"You know", M said yesterday, "it's a lot easier when I rememember I love you...."
Yes, classic hoovering.Gotta be careful. It's tough to be both emotionally available, and not visibly emotionally wary. But, I am the latter. That's for certain.
She's packed for her extended time away today without any incident or difficulty. I can tell she's relishing spending some time away with me,, etc, etc. She's being loving and caring and all that she can be when sbe's swung to white instead of the black.
Still and all, it is just one more iteration of an old pattern.
Here's a bit from a somewhat positive sharing exercise we recently had (email exchange, where I finally gave her a little feedback on some writings she'd given to me (related to the Dr Phil stuff....)
She'd written: Lastly, I think what struck me the very most was in your
introductory paragraph: "I know that for a long time I
have been putting up walls between us and then hiding
behind them to avoid being emotionally true to you and
our relationship. I thought I would feel safe behind those
walls, but I didn't feel safe at all, I just felt lonely. Now is
the time for me to finish knocking down the walls and be
vulnerable to you. It scares me, but it is also a rish that
I am willinly taking because I know this is the only way
for us to be close again. And I want that very much.
I need that very much. I also trust myself to be able to
survive anything negative that might come from this. "
and I wrote the following perspective for my part:
As I read that, I once again thought back over the years
(and this is a thought / memory that occurs to me
quite regularly).
Emotional walls and withdrawal behind them was a challenge
in the beginning and has been a continuing challenge throughout
our relationship. I know I say that I used to be much better at
recognizing that you were behind walls and drawing you out.
But, I have to tell you that one of my strongest memories of
our first days living together is you being upset, withdrawn,
and my just not understanding why and what to do about it.
I can picture it in my mind as I type this. I would sit down
at your old piano, take out some music from Camelot,
and sing, with all my heart, the song, "How to Handle a Woman".
which advises, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, love her,
love her."
To the best of my ability, fundamentally, I've tried simply to
do that. And I'm so sorry I've ultimately failed so miserably
for you.
Yes, classic hoovering.Gotta be careful. It's tough to be both emotionally available, and not visibly emotionally wary. But, I am the latter. That's for certain.
She's packed for her extended time away today without any incident or difficulty. I can tell she's relishing spending some time away with me,, etc, etc. She's being loving and caring and all that she can be when sbe's swung to white instead of the black.
Still and all, it is just one more iteration of an old pattern.
Here's a bit from a somewhat positive sharing exercise we recently had (email exchange, where I finally gave her a little feedback on some writings she'd given to me (related to the Dr Phil stuff....)
She'd written: Lastly, I think what struck me the very most was in your
introductory paragraph: "I know that for a long time I
have been putting up walls between us and then hiding
behind them to avoid being emotionally true to you and
our relationship. I thought I would feel safe behind those
walls, but I didn't feel safe at all, I just felt lonely. Now is
the time for me to finish knocking down the walls and be
vulnerable to you. It scares me, but it is also a rish that
I am willinly taking because I know this is the only way
for us to be close again. And I want that very much.
I need that very much. I also trust myself to be able to
survive anything negative that might come from this. "
and I wrote the following perspective for my part:
As I read that, I once again thought back over the years
(and this is a thought / memory that occurs to me
quite regularly).
Emotional walls and withdrawal behind them was a challenge
in the beginning and has been a continuing challenge throughout
our relationship. I know I say that I used to be much better at
recognizing that you were behind walls and drawing you out.
But, I have to tell you that one of my strongest memories of
our first days living together is you being upset, withdrawn,
and my just not understanding why and what to do about it.
I can picture it in my mind as I type this. I would sit down
at your old piano, take out some music from Camelot,
and sing, with all my heart, the song, "How to Handle a Woman".
which advises, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, love her,
love her."
To the best of my ability, fundamentally, I've tried simply to
do that. And I'm so sorry I've ultimately failed so miserably
for you.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
N twist in life
Suddenly, I'm taking a vacation week to help M drive to FL where she'll stay for a month or so. Be a good break for both of us (I'm to fly back on the weekend).
Yesterday, the friendly M showed up. Much more loving and convivial.... of course, it's hoovering.... But, I'm OK.
Actually, I'm using this in the back of my mind as the "vacation together we promised to take before breaking off the relationship" -- some odd conversation years back.
Anyway, call it floating downstream. We'll see where it leads.... I still don't see any way to ultimately reconcile all.
Yesterday, the friendly M showed up. Much more loving and convivial.... of course, it's hoovering.... But, I'm OK.
Actually, I'm using this in the back of my mind as the "vacation together we promised to take before breaking off the relationship" -- some odd conversation years back.
Anyway, call it floating downstream. We'll see where it leads.... I still don't see any way to ultimately reconcile all.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Estranged from all
That's M. Estranged from me, very much from her older son, somewhat from the younger (he was lobbied to help her drive to FL, but he really doesn't want to spend 2 days alone in a car with her.
Apparently she called her older boy and had a row, again.
Even her sis is beyond exasperated.
It must be terrible to estrange yourself from all who love you, and to believe it's all their fault and none of yours.
I know she's got a bad psyche -- she alluded to it twice tonight, at least -- that she was unwanted as a child, never really loved....
Which is true, true, true.
Then went on and on about how I will never find anyone to love me as much as she, and who would sacrifice so much and put up with so much abuse.... etc, etc, etc, etc.
I'm really tired of this.
Apparently she called her older boy and had a row, again.
Even her sis is beyond exasperated.
It must be terrible to estrange yourself from all who love you, and to believe it's all their fault and none of yours.
I know she's got a bad psyche -- she alluded to it twice tonight, at least -- that she was unwanted as a child, never really loved....
Which is true, true, true.
Then went on and on about how I will never find anyone to love me as much as she, and who would sacrifice so much and put up with so much abuse.... etc, etc, etc, etc.
I'm really tired of this.
another whataday
Multiple conflicted text messages.
Many voicemails.
Demands / implications that IF I truly cared, I'd be trying to initiate a conversation before Sunday..... Which I tried. Got together just about 4:30, bit more than an hour.... but she assumed I was going to ask her what it was I had texted her that I was curious about / wanted to ask about from her Dr Phil work / writings.
Well, as luck would have it, those were back in my hotel room. I had put my book bag in the room and IT had that material in it....
So, the conversation got a bit disjointed, out of control, erratic (like her and her emotions.... my trying to talk was erratic, too).
Finally ended when she brought up how hurt she still feels over having her "dirty laundry" of her childhood living situation (see Florida entries) publicly displayed.... I said, but the point was of pride over what you'd overcome.... she just said, it still hurt and I still cry whenever I remember it.... and now I have to leave....
Off I went to my evening meetings.... had to turn my phone off because she was causing so much distraction with calls / voicemails.
Later, I turned on my phone briefly... found a page to call home. Called home and she wanted to know WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR VOICEMAIL BE FILLED UP??!!
Well, when I checked quick, there were 15 new messages. All but one from her. And she wondered why it filled up??
Now, she's sounding more and more serious about running away. Probably to FL.
She does need to get away, and probably would be good for her to do it on her terms.
Many voicemails.
Demands / implications that IF I truly cared, I'd be trying to initiate a conversation before Sunday..... Which I tried. Got together just about 4:30, bit more than an hour.... but she assumed I was going to ask her what it was I had texted her that I was curious about / wanted to ask about from her Dr Phil work / writings.
Well, as luck would have it, those were back in my hotel room. I had put my book bag in the room and IT had that material in it....
So, the conversation got a bit disjointed, out of control, erratic (like her and her emotions.... my trying to talk was erratic, too).
Finally ended when she brought up how hurt she still feels over having her "dirty laundry" of her childhood living situation (see Florida entries) publicly displayed.... I said, but the point was of pride over what you'd overcome.... she just said, it still hurt and I still cry whenever I remember it.... and now I have to leave....
Off I went to my evening meetings.... had to turn my phone off because she was causing so much distraction with calls / voicemails.
Later, I turned on my phone briefly... found a page to call home. Called home and she wanted to know WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR VOICEMAIL BE FILLED UP??!!
Well, when I checked quick, there were 15 new messages. All but one from her. And she wondered why it filled up??
Now, she's sounding more and more serious about running away. Probably to FL.
She does need to get away, and probably would be good for her to do it on her terms.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
The usual threats
Thought I'd record this before it fades completely
had some of the usual threats, "I won't be here when you come home" etc....
and more significantly, as she's bouncing all over in her mood (primarily DYSphoric, though) she made a remark about how I shouldn't come home, as she isn't sure she'll even "make it to morning, and you don't want to be here for that...."
I decided NOT to obsess over that. She do what she does, and she'd do it with me there.
Her karma.
had some of the usual threats, "I won't be here when you come home" etc....
and more significantly, as she's bouncing all over in her mood (primarily DYSphoric, though) she made a remark about how I shouldn't come home, as she isn't sure she'll even "make it to morning, and you don't want to be here for that...."
I decided NOT to obsess over that. She do what she does, and she'd do it with me there.
Her karma.
No surprises
things got worse as the night wore on. text and phone calls. Accusations of not caring. Of abusing. All kinds of things.
Texted me so much, my inbox on my phone is 90 % full.
She called just before 10p, literally bouncing all over. She carried on about the cortisone shot and how "You know how that affects me and what bad shape I'll be in...." etc, etc. "
I said, "Fine, I'm coming home...."
minutes later she called to back me off on that. But, still we went round on some things. I finally got pissed and told that much of what she was saying was an outright lie and she needed to stop lying to herself and others.
That I'm AT the hotel because she asked me to. And, didn't stay home after an invite because she expressed discomfort / stress over my company. And angrily told her SHE needed to take some responsibility for what SHE"S caused here.
I am especially peeved, and bemused by the accusatory phone call about how, "Your up past your bedtinme (which she seems to define as 9:30p)). Funny how you can't stay out late with ME. " and on and on.
Yet another lie she tells herself -- conveniently forgetting all the times I've been out late doing karaoke with her, or other such. Conveniently fails to register that I'm regularly up, with her, to watch the 11:00 news and weather. Not always.
Nope, she equates the occasional dozing off mid-evening with going to sleep for the night.... or other ridiculousness.
What a pain in the ass.
Texted me so much, my inbox on my phone is 90 % full.
She called just before 10p, literally bouncing all over. She carried on about the cortisone shot and how "You know how that affects me and what bad shape I'll be in...." etc, etc. "
I said, "Fine, I'm coming home...."
minutes later she called to back me off on that. But, still we went round on some things. I finally got pissed and told that much of what she was saying was an outright lie and she needed to stop lying to herself and others.
That I'm AT the hotel because she asked me to. And, didn't stay home after an invite because she expressed discomfort / stress over my company. And angrily told her SHE needed to take some responsibility for what SHE"S caused here.
I am especially peeved, and bemused by the accusatory phone call about how, "Your up past your bedtinme (which she seems to define as 9:30p)). Funny how you can't stay out late with ME. " and on and on.
Yet another lie she tells herself -- conveniently forgetting all the times I've been out late doing karaoke with her, or other such. Conveniently fails to register that I'm regularly up, with her, to watch the 11:00 news and weather. Not always.
Nope, she equates the occasional dozing off mid-evening with going to sleep for the night.... or other ridiculousness.
What a pain in the ass.
Today... again... the testing
Well, let's see.... got an accidental call - that was no big deal. Then, when I got back to work after lunch and a post-lunch concert, I had a VM at work about how she was sorry she'd handled my date invitation so poorly...
and how she just can't really spend time like that with me like that right now -- too uncomfortable for her... turns out, she says, after yesterday she's quite stressed out -- lump in throat, pit of stomach (happens regularly now). Supposes she's just gunshy and unable to feel much trust toward me, etc....
Then, @ 3:30 I got the text: "If U want 2 save the $ U can sleep here tonight. makes no difference 2 me"
I very politely declined.... and I suppose it DID make a difference that I decline.... because, the response was,
"Then we have Sunday 2 do whatever taling U want 2 do or not. I'm not planning 2 B around much longer after that given the way things are now."
followed by, "I have no purpose in life. U don't want me & I have no other commitments thus no purpose 4 being thus no reason 2 B here anymore." (I wonder what she supposes the "purpose" of a mother, even of grown children, is....)
Anyway, that sounded mildly self-harmful, so I sent, "Perhaps U s/contact your T. U sound as if U R considering harming yourself"
M reply, "Nope, wrong again. Just leaving. I'm tired of sitting around here alone. this house has become myh prison so I need to 'break out'.
My reply, "Fair enough & if U feel imprisoned, U certainly s/do something about it".
Now, the reply from her, "do U ever exhibit any emotions? or do you just not care? or will my leaving be exactly what U have been working toward 4 the past years? I really have no idea. what I do know is that it seems to make no difference to you whatsoever. guess I've overstayed my welcome by some."
Followed minutes later by, "U might have the decency 2 show some acknowledgement of all that I have done 4 U & your family. guess that's not important & certianly beyond your ken. thx a lot"
(this sounds like she's probably taken Xanax and or Valium and probably drinking -- wine, I'd bet. )
I sent, "I really w/prefer 2 have relationship talks FTF. & I have repeatedly expressed my gratitude 2 U for all & will always B graetful."
She texted, "I try reaching out 2 U U all I ever get is smacked back down, ignored, or invalidated. how fun is that for me, do you suppose?"
M, (maybe in reply to the FTF discussion bit,) "and that would be exactly when? which day of which month of which year will that happen?"
(gosh, I thought we set Sunday for it already.... )
As I was writing a reply, my phone rang, as she wanted to inform me that she'd turned her phone off so "end of discussion"....
Regardless, of that I sent: "guess I don't know how 2 reconcile hyour VM @ work about not being comfortable being around me, stressed out from being around me..... with your invite 2 B home 2night..... & (your) feeling rejected by my reluctance"
I hate that she's moved into this state of mind, but I couldn't have stopped it, I'm sure. And, like as not, it would have become very difficult at home tonight if I were there.
Saturday night and Sunday will be quite enough, thanks....
Postscript: Guess she couldn't leave her phone off, because she replied to my last message (about not being able to reconcile the stuff...) with, "that's why YOU have a therapist, I think."
Uh.... OK... well, I already know how my T will react to all this. Oh, and this would be the T that M absolutely detests, having convinced herself that my T is encouraging me to leave, etc.... Little does she realize that my T has had to be very patient with me as I've worked through educating myself on MY issues, MY make-up, and got comfortable with a pathway and a timetable.... she's simply supported ME, not so much suggested a definite direction or course of action....
and how she just can't really spend time like that with me like that right now -- too uncomfortable for her... turns out, she says, after yesterday she's quite stressed out -- lump in throat, pit of stomach (happens regularly now). Supposes she's just gunshy and unable to feel much trust toward me, etc....
Then, @ 3:30 I got the text: "If U want 2 save the $ U can sleep here tonight. makes no difference 2 me"
I very politely declined.... and I suppose it DID make a difference that I decline.... because, the response was,
"Then we have Sunday 2 do whatever taling U want 2 do or not. I'm not planning 2 B around much longer after that given the way things are now."
followed by, "I have no purpose in life. U don't want me & I have no other commitments thus no purpose 4 being thus no reason 2 B here anymore." (I wonder what she supposes the "purpose" of a mother, even of grown children, is....)
Anyway, that sounded mildly self-harmful, so I sent, "Perhaps U s/contact your T. U sound as if U R considering harming yourself"
M reply, "Nope, wrong again. Just leaving. I'm tired of sitting around here alone. this house has become myh prison so I need to 'break out'.
My reply, "Fair enough & if U feel imprisoned, U certainly s/do something about it".
Now, the reply from her, "do U ever exhibit any emotions? or do you just not care? or will my leaving be exactly what U have been working toward 4 the past years? I really have no idea. what I do know is that it seems to make no difference to you whatsoever. guess I've overstayed my welcome by some."
Followed minutes later by, "U might have the decency 2 show some acknowledgement of all that I have done 4 U & your family. guess that's not important & certianly beyond your ken. thx a lot"
(this sounds like she's probably taken Xanax and or Valium and probably drinking -- wine, I'd bet. )
I sent, "I really w/prefer 2 have relationship talks FTF. & I have repeatedly expressed my gratitude 2 U for all & will always B graetful."
She texted, "I try reaching out 2 U U all I ever get is smacked back down, ignored, or invalidated. how fun is that for me, do you suppose?"
M, (maybe in reply to the FTF discussion bit,) "and that would be exactly when? which day of which month of which year will that happen?"
(gosh, I thought we set Sunday for it already.... )
As I was writing a reply, my phone rang, as she wanted to inform me that she'd turned her phone off so "end of discussion"....
Regardless, of that I sent: "guess I don't know how 2 reconcile hyour VM @ work about not being comfortable being around me, stressed out from being around me..... with your invite 2 B home 2night..... & (your) feeling rejected by my reluctance"
I hate that she's moved into this state of mind, but I couldn't have stopped it, I'm sure. And, like as not, it would have become very difficult at home tonight if I were there.
Saturday night and Sunday will be quite enough, thanks....
Postscript: Guess she couldn't leave her phone off, because she replied to my last message (about not being able to reconcile the stuff...) with, "that's why YOU have a therapist, I think."
Uh.... OK... well, I already know how my T will react to all this. Oh, and this would be the T that M absolutely detests, having convinced herself that my T is encouraging me to leave, etc.... Little does she realize that my T has had to be very patient with me as I've worked through educating myself on MY issues, MY make-up, and got comfortable with a pathway and a timetable.... she's simply supported ME, not so much suggested a definite direction or course of action....
Last night
Went OK. Not great. But OK. Civil. Not friendly. Seemingly, not strained or too troubled....
A bit confusing when as we walked to the parking lot after dinner, she invited me to her hotel.... apparently, just for company / companionship (although, it's hard to know for certain what her purpose was -- may very well have been the typical "test"). Of course, I accepted, as I don't knowingly reject her....
Oh, and I invited her on a Friday night date, but she turned it down due to it being "community theatre..." sneer.... Yipe!!
Sat and watched TV on opposite ends of the couch (she was staying in a suite hotel, for pete's sake. What's with that!!?? Anyway, some snowy / slippery weather came in and she suggested I might drive her all-wheel drive car home, get my stuff for the rest of the week (remember, she asked me to check in early at my work-hotel) and come back to the room.... "Shorter commute in the a.m. for you..."
Couldn't tell what else was going on. Again, maybe testing her safety ? in some manner.... entertaining faint hope of fixing the relationship or something. Who knows. Anyway, I took up the offer. We slept on far sides of the king bed.... I didn't sleep too well -- the ole hypervigilance. But, no conflict, and none this a.m.
Of course, there is TODAY....
A bit confusing when as we walked to the parking lot after dinner, she invited me to her hotel.... apparently, just for company / companionship (although, it's hard to know for certain what her purpose was -- may very well have been the typical "test"). Of course, I accepted, as I don't knowingly reject her....
Oh, and I invited her on a Friday night date, but she turned it down due to it being "community theatre..." sneer.... Yipe!!
Sat and watched TV on opposite ends of the couch (she was staying in a suite hotel, for pete's sake. What's with that!!?? Anyway, some snowy / slippery weather came in and she suggested I might drive her all-wheel drive car home, get my stuff for the rest of the week (remember, she asked me to check in early at my work-hotel) and come back to the room.... "Shorter commute in the a.m. for you..."
Couldn't tell what else was going on. Again, maybe testing her safety ? in some manner.... entertaining faint hope of fixing the relationship or something. Who knows. Anyway, I took up the offer. We slept on far sides of the king bed.... I didn't sleep too well -- the ole hypervigilance. But, no conflict, and none this a.m.
Of course, there is TODAY....
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
A little bit of dread
all through today.... I'm dutifully waiting for a post-doctor appt phone call to see if she still wants to get together for awhile before I go home (dinner or whatever).
Frankly, I've been apprehensive about it all day. Didn't help when I saw a cheap flight deal to get her away while I'm next quite busy (which ticks her off). Of course, I decided I should contact her to let her know about it....
So, I texted her. She called back.... sounded like she hadn't slept well.... sounded down and troubled.... But, I can't fix that..... she's got to find a way to handle HER emotions. Not my job to fix her feelings....
Well, she gets to go back to the house tomorrow.... One of the things she asked me yesterday afternoon when she was grinding on me a bit on the phone was to make arrangements to check in a day early for my meetings this week (organization provides hotel accommodations for certain committees, etc. So I did. That means once I leave tomorrow, I'm not back until Saturday.... A rest, perhaps, for both of us.
Meanwhile, she just called as I was typing this. Going to go meet her for dinner. When this came up last night by text, (She texted, "Would you like to meet me tomorrow night or at least see me for awhile...??" I suggested dinner, but also asked, "for fun & company, or for serious subject matter or both or neither?"
Her reply was, "Just to see one another. I'm not likely to feel up to seriousness & maybe nothing much at adll, depending how I feel."
So, off I go.... and we'll see just how light and carefree we keep it (won't change for that aspect on my part).
Oh, and this should surprise her. I just found out there's a community theatre musical that my schedule is free to go to Friday night. Might as well "invite her on a date...." She's been craving such....
Maybe I can keep her negativity at bay a few more days.....
Frankly, I've been apprehensive about it all day. Didn't help when I saw a cheap flight deal to get her away while I'm next quite busy (which ticks her off). Of course, I decided I should contact her to let her know about it....
So, I texted her. She called back.... sounded like she hadn't slept well.... sounded down and troubled.... But, I can't fix that..... she's got to find a way to handle HER emotions. Not my job to fix her feelings....
Well, she gets to go back to the house tomorrow.... One of the things she asked me yesterday afternoon when she was grinding on me a bit on the phone was to make arrangements to check in a day early for my meetings this week (organization provides hotel accommodations for certain committees, etc. So I did. That means once I leave tomorrow, I'm not back until Saturday.... A rest, perhaps, for both of us.
Meanwhile, she just called as I was typing this. Going to go meet her for dinner. When this came up last night by text, (She texted, "Would you like to meet me tomorrow night or at least see me for awhile...??" I suggested dinner, but also asked, "for fun & company, or for serious subject matter or both or neither?"
Her reply was, "Just to see one another. I'm not likely to feel up to seriousness & maybe nothing much at adll, depending how I feel."
So, off I go.... and we'll see just how light and carefree we keep it (won't change for that aspect on my part).
Oh, and this should surprise her. I just found out there's a community theatre musical that my schedule is free to go to Friday night. Might as well "invite her on a date...." She's been craving such....
Maybe I can keep her negativity at bay a few more days.....
Monday, March 5, 2007
Probably about time
to move on to the next phase. I'm seeing little choice and little likelihood of changing things for the better. I think we need to be independent of one another, and get together perhaps now and then with less baggage.... IF that's possible.
A week or so ago, she said she thought we'd ought to make March 29 our official "quitting day".
I've thinking, no matter what the day might be, we'd ought to call in our "independence day".
neither of us has ever been substantially on our own.....
It's probably about time.
A week or so ago, she said she thought we'd ought to make March 29 our official "quitting day".
I've thinking, no matter what the day might be, we'd ought to call in our "independence day".
neither of us has ever been substantially on our own.....
It's probably about time.
What a day
M left had left the house so as not to be home when I got home. Left me a note:
"As you told me when you left -- see you in a few days"
She went incommunicado pretty much with her son and her sis. Finally surfaced with them during the day, and with me late in the p.m..
Mind you, I flew home on a red-eye this a.m.. I've had a few hours of sleep at the point that she called.... and she seemed to want to get into "the stuff between us" (not a quote). Anyway, I refused to rise to the bait and carefully, politely said if she wanted to talk seriously, it needed to wait until I'd had some sleep and rest. Otherwise, I could not guarantee staying on an even keel and constructive if we pursued the discussion at that point..... (late in the p.m.).
She wanted to push me on MY need to compromise and change and all that. Sounded like she's close to laying out some kind of ultimatum (staying away until we straighten some things out.... etc, etc).
She finally quit pressing it....
Been peaceful since.... I have sorted mail, paid bills, did my laundry.
Then, about 1/2 hour ago she called and then started texting.... She'd started missing me... more civil interchange.....
We have a date-like possibility for after work tomorrow.... We'll see.
"As you told me when you left -- see you in a few days"
She went incommunicado pretty much with her son and her sis. Finally surfaced with them during the day, and with me late in the p.m..
Mind you, I flew home on a red-eye this a.m.. I've had a few hours of sleep at the point that she called.... and she seemed to want to get into "the stuff between us" (not a quote). Anyway, I refused to rise to the bait and carefully, politely said if she wanted to talk seriously, it needed to wait until I'd had some sleep and rest. Otherwise, I could not guarantee staying on an even keel and constructive if we pursued the discussion at that point..... (late in the p.m.).
She wanted to push me on MY need to compromise and change and all that. Sounded like she's close to laying out some kind of ultimatum (staying away until we straighten some things out.... etc, etc).
She finally quit pressing it....
Been peaceful since.... I have sorted mail, paid bills, did my laundry.
Then, about 1/2 hour ago she called and then started texting.... She'd started missing me... more civil interchange.....
We have a date-like possibility for after work tomorrow.... We'll see.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Headed home soon... sigh
I called and left appropriately friendly messages on M's VM and on the machine at home. Didn't hear a thing back.
Sigh....
Headed back on a red-eye tonight.
Started to read the rest of her Dr Phil stuff -- the "deep sharing" of her partner profile and needs. It will be educational, but I'm afraid all it's going to tell me is how broad the gap between her needs and my ability to meet them, and meet my own, has become.
Sigh....
Headed back on a red-eye tonight.
Started to read the rest of her Dr Phil stuff -- the "deep sharing" of her partner profile and needs. It will be educational, but I'm afraid all it's going to tell me is how broad the gap between her needs and my ability to meet them, and meet my own, has become.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Last night's VMs
weren't bad. I hated to turn my phone on.... but I did.
Both clearly showed the effects of alcohol, pills, and fatigue or whatever.... slower, slight slur to the speech....
There was one about how nice it wsa to take a warm shower....
the other was that she was watchng a TV show where one character said to the other, "You haven't had a date in 3 months"..... then went on to say, "When was the last time WE had a date. I don't remember. Maybe you do. I think it's been more than 3 months....." and a little more along that line.
She wants the days of wine and roses.... Not likely anymore
Both clearly showed the effects of alcohol, pills, and fatigue or whatever.... slower, slight slur to the speech....
There was one about how nice it wsa to take a warm shower....
the other was that she was watchng a TV show where one character said to the other, "You haven't had a date in 3 months"..... then went on to say, "When was the last time WE had a date. I don't remember. Maybe you do. I think it's been more than 3 months....." and a little more along that line.
She wants the days of wine and roses.... Not likely anymore
worse and worse
M's really kicked up a bitter, bitter fuss about my schedule of late. Late Feb and March is always like this. And, I'm frustrated as I talk with old friends that for me, despite feeling like I do all that I can to be at home, with her, as much as possible, it's just not enough.
Yet, I feel as if over the years, I've focused SO MUCH on her and her needs, I've neglected my own and my own needs.
I don't have the contact with my brothers I want to. Nor my sons, nor my granddaugher, nor my parents..... nor friends.....
Yet it's not enough.
I have a local theatre group auditioning for 1776 soon -- something I'd consider.... But, I know she can't accept that.
And job demands are going to get worse for awhile, not better.... She wants comprormise, but the compromise she's looking for would further reduce how well I'm doing my job. That cannot happen.
It's plain as day that I cannot have a life of my own, I cannot have a healthy body, whole psyche, and a life full of vitality and continue like this.
I hate sayng this, but it looks like "it's time".
Yet, I feel as if over the years, I've focused SO MUCH on her and her needs, I've neglected my own and my own needs.
I don't have the contact with my brothers I want to. Nor my sons, nor my granddaugher, nor my parents..... nor friends.....
Yet it's not enough.
I have a local theatre group auditioning for 1776 soon -- something I'd consider.... But, I know she can't accept that.
And job demands are going to get worse for awhile, not better.... She wants comprormise, but the compromise she's looking for would further reduce how well I'm doing my job. That cannot happen.
It's plain as day that I cannot have a life of my own, I cannot have a healthy body, whole psyche, and a life full of vitality and continue like this.
I hate sayng this, but it looks like "it's time".
Wish I was sleeping
wrote this up at about 6:30 this a.m.....
Well, this is frustrating. Kinda. But not surprising. Went to bed local time by about midnight. That would be 3 a.m. EST. But, only slept about 5 hours. Woke up by 5 a.m., (8 a.m. my time). I guess that it's good my body clock isn't resetting too much....
But it's frustrating. I need more sleep that this.... So, why aren't I sleeping. Even though an hour or so before I quit trying, I took 2 valerian capsules......????
Too much noise in my head. M has pitched SO MUCH guilt and shame at me and so much that it's rattling around in my head and psyche. Frustratingly, I was unable to shed it and screen out the noise this a.m.. So far, anyway.
I don't want to turn on my phone, for avoidance purposes. I really don't want more tortured voicemails and textmails. I don't really want to call her and have more confrontational, hurt and hurtful words.
And, the thing is, what she's done whether she realizes it or not is makes things far, far worse. I had ought go be having a little contemplative time, some engaged time, some social time.
Not much contemplative time at this point. I've done none of the further reading she would like me to. (Like finishing the Dr Phil foolish book and the couples oriented Mars/Venus book). And social time has become as much as anything being with people to drown out the noise.
Funny thing right now is that right now I'm watching a Biography channel show about Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- M's most favorite show.... One I enjoyed as well.
Well, this is frustrating. Kinda. But not surprising. Went to bed local time by about midnight. That would be 3 a.m. EST. But, only slept about 5 hours. Woke up by 5 a.m., (8 a.m. my time). I guess that it's good my body clock isn't resetting too much....
But it's frustrating. I need more sleep that this.... So, why aren't I sleeping. Even though an hour or so before I quit trying, I took 2 valerian capsules......????
Too much noise in my head. M has pitched SO MUCH guilt and shame at me and so much that it's rattling around in my head and psyche. Frustratingly, I was unable to shed it and screen out the noise this a.m.. So far, anyway.
I don't want to turn on my phone, for avoidance purposes. I really don't want more tortured voicemails and textmails. I don't really want to call her and have more confrontational, hurt and hurtful words.
And, the thing is, what she's done whether she realizes it or not is makes things far, far worse. I had ought go be having a little contemplative time, some engaged time, some social time.
Not much contemplative time at this point. I've done none of the further reading she would like me to. (Like finishing the Dr Phil foolish book and the couples oriented Mars/Venus book). And social time has become as much as anything being with people to drown out the noise.
Funny thing right now is that right now I'm watching a Biography channel show about Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- M's most favorite show.... One I enjoyed as well.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Damn kid
So, I am pretty irked at the kid. She says he was busy and didn't need to be bothered, and she didn't want him to spend the trip and time....
I'm disappointed that he told me yes, and then didn't comply....
She says "He didn't want you to be mad at him..."
yeah, right.
Reality is he doesn't have the fortitude to go and face his mother when she's dysphoric.
She said she was crying so hard on the phone with him that he couldn't understand her....
What kind of kid DOESN'T go on out to his mother's when that happens....
The scars of childhood are what they are, but come on. Buck it up and put it aside for something like this.....
In fact, as I think about it, it's really quite tragic that even though I called him Thursday before noon and told him that I really thought since his mom had gotten into such a bad state of mind, and aggravated from the power outage, and such.... that it would be really kind of him to run out there after work to check on her and engage her a bit.
Again, he agreed.... then, made or kept other plans.
I've always had issues with this kid not keeping his word, agreeing, etc, etc. and then doing what he pleases....
damn, damn kid.
I'm disappointed that he told me yes, and then didn't comply....
She says "He didn't want you to be mad at him..."
yeah, right.
Reality is he doesn't have the fortitude to go and face his mother when she's dysphoric.
She said she was crying so hard on the phone with him that he couldn't understand her....
What kind of kid DOESN'T go on out to his mother's when that happens....
The scars of childhood are what they are, but come on. Buck it up and put it aside for something like this.....
In fact, as I think about it, it's really quite tragic that even though I called him Thursday before noon and told him that I really thought since his mom had gotten into such a bad state of mind, and aggravated from the power outage, and such.... that it would be really kind of him to run out there after work to check on her and engage her a bit.
Again, he agreed.... then, made or kept other plans.
I've always had issues with this kid not keeping his word, agreeing, etc, etc. and then doing what he pleases....
damn, damn kid.
Round and round
So, we went round and round this a.m.... nice start to my day.
When she was finally on the phone, she was deep into, "I needed your help LAST night, now I don't....."
Then did the usual plowing of old ground. Aggravated over "NOT being invited to this conference"
(which is contrary to what I feel is the case).
I have explained my "conference" issue over and over, trying to help her understand that it was not rejecting (but still she feels rejected).... AND as far as THIS conference, I thought we HAD resolved it and agreed that the airfare cost was too high....
She kept insisting that I hadn't invited her, so she didn't feel welcome... yadayadayada
The irony is, she probably wouldn't be enjoying this. The weather is colder, sunny, but colder than one wants to have when visiting CA. The hotel is a $20 cab ride to anywhere interesting. She wouldn't be liking it.... Although, I suppose we would have rented a car. Still, she's not nearly as good about entertaining herself and driving about in a strange city as she things she is.
What else...
Oh yeah, it's ME that's too busy, doesn't engage her, doesn't want to be around her, ignores her, on and on and it's ME that's "changed" over the last couple years....
Well, she might be right, but not for the reasons she thinks. I am worn out and weary and I know I need to move onward in life for my own well being.
When she was finally on the phone, she was deep into, "I needed your help LAST night, now I don't....."
Then did the usual plowing of old ground. Aggravated over "NOT being invited to this conference"
(which is contrary to what I feel is the case).
I have explained my "conference" issue over and over, trying to help her understand that it was not rejecting (but still she feels rejected).... AND as far as THIS conference, I thought we HAD resolved it and agreed that the airfare cost was too high....
She kept insisting that I hadn't invited her, so she didn't feel welcome... yadayadayada
The irony is, she probably wouldn't be enjoying this. The weather is colder, sunny, but colder than one wants to have when visiting CA. The hotel is a $20 cab ride to anywhere interesting. She wouldn't be liking it.... Although, I suppose we would have rented a car. Still, she's not nearly as good about entertaining herself and driving about in a strange city as she things she is.
What else...
Oh yeah, it's ME that's too busy, doesn't engage her, doesn't want to be around her, ignores her, on and on and it's ME that's "changed" over the last couple years....
Well, she might be right, but not for the reasons she thinks. I am worn out and weary and I know I need to move onward in life for my own well being.
And so the sh** flies
Yup. No more than in San XX CA than stuff starts hitting the fan at home. Ice storm, power outage. Inconvenient for most people, tragic for M. Major major issues over it.
Then the pilot light blows out on the gas water heater. Got lots of distressed, increasingly hostile, frustrated VM and txt messages. I finally took a call, and apparently (to her), was ungracious when I asked why she needed a flashlight... I understood needing a lighter. And having trouble because of her hands.... But the flashlight thing didn't make sense - -not to mention, she has flashlights stashed, and has apparently forgotten where. SIGH.....
Just posing the question made her mad. When I did try to call again to assist as I could, she didn't answer. I thought I'd just get more grievous messages, so I called her son who is in town and asked him to run out and light the pilot light. He agreed.....
Shut my phone off for a awhile, then turned it on... got more aggravated messages..... Clearly melting down worse and worse.....
So, I called the boy again. Getting later.... NO, he hadn't gone out. SHE told him not to bother.... etc, etc, etc. I said, would you PLEASE run out there (I was feeling pretty aggravated at this point). Again, he agreed.....
THEN, apparently called him mother again, instead of doing what he agreed to when I talked with him.
M now gives me all this grief over putting HIM in the middle, etc, etc.... How UNreasonable it was for me to expect that of him.... etc, etc.
All about how much she aggravated her hands.... on and on.
AND, after it's all said and done, she didn't let him come out, and she didn't get it lit....
and she's headed to a hotel.
whatever.
Then the pilot light blows out on the gas water heater. Got lots of distressed, increasingly hostile, frustrated VM and txt messages. I finally took a call, and apparently (to her), was ungracious when I asked why she needed a flashlight... I understood needing a lighter. And having trouble because of her hands.... But the flashlight thing didn't make sense - -not to mention, she has flashlights stashed, and has apparently forgotten where. SIGH.....
Just posing the question made her mad. When I did try to call again to assist as I could, she didn't answer. I thought I'd just get more grievous messages, so I called her son who is in town and asked him to run out and light the pilot light. He agreed.....
Shut my phone off for a awhile, then turned it on... got more aggravated messages..... Clearly melting down worse and worse.....
So, I called the boy again. Getting later.... NO, he hadn't gone out. SHE told him not to bother.... etc, etc, etc. I said, would you PLEASE run out there (I was feeling pretty aggravated at this point). Again, he agreed.....
THEN, apparently called him mother again, instead of doing what he agreed to when I talked with him.
M now gives me all this grief over putting HIM in the middle, etc, etc.... How UNreasonable it was for me to expect that of him.... etc, etc.
All about how much she aggravated her hands.... on and on.
AND, after it's all said and done, she didn't let him come out, and she didn't get it lit....
and she's headed to a hotel.
whatever.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
She's well into the poor me....
(catching up a bit).
I wasn't 5 minutes up the road last night when I got this text message from her:
(this was a little bit after I expressed that I really didn't understand why she was being so hostile and nasty)
Text:
Hostile? no
Deeply hurt? yes
Unbearably sad? yes
Incredibly disillusioned? yes
Disappointed? yes
Completely broken hearted? YES
Drive safely
20 minutes later, she was calling, somewhat civil, a bit worried about what the roads might be getting to be like, and that I might be delayed in getting out in the a.m..
TODAY, I've received half dozen text messages, all boiling down to her not feeling cared enough for, my not being home enough.... on and on, and a number of VM calls as well.
Those are a bit more understandable, as some icy weather resulted in a power outage for awhile -- so that was an "outrage" on top of all the other lousy feelings she's having.
I wasn't 5 minutes up the road last night when I got this text message from her:
(this was a little bit after I expressed that I really didn't understand why she was being so hostile and nasty)
Text:
Hostile? no
Deeply hurt? yes
Unbearably sad? yes
Incredibly disillusioned? yes
Disappointed? yes
Completely broken hearted? YES
Drive safely
20 minutes later, she was calling, somewhat civil, a bit worried about what the roads might be getting to be like, and that I might be delayed in getting out in the a.m..
TODAY, I've received half dozen text messages, all boiling down to her not feeling cared enough for, my not being home enough.... on and on, and a number of VM calls as well.
Those are a bit more understandable, as some icy weather resulted in a power outage for awhile -- so that was an "outrage" on top of all the other lousy feelings she's having.
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