Interesting when you can step back and clearly see some of the regular cycling that occurs in her moods and reactions.
Sunday, she melted down -- pretty manic / dysphoric. Moved to a more neutral, but negative emotional set over the next couple days.
Now, she's deep into the "poor me" stuff, and how hard her life is.... looking for pity and understanding and feeling abandoned and all....
Anyway, as I was getting ready to leave for an EXPECTED TRIP, that she'd FORGOTTEN started tonight, she:
1) asked that I do some soul searching and think about how I'd feel if I WERE HER (now, what does she imagine that might mean to me....)
2) got her Dr Phil exercises out to share, again....
#2 is something she does, I've noticed, when she's really at a point of feeling vulnerable and about to be abandoned (or left)....
It's really quite predictable. The message is supposed to be, "See how hard I'm trying".
Although, sometimes she can't resist, and makes the message that, plus, "and YOU aren't trying AT ALL to save this relataionship."
Well, that's kind of true. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to "save myself".
In many, many ways, my relationship with her has been been like the person who makes the mistake of trying to save a drowning person "head on". Lifesaving training tells you to approach from behind, because if you approach HEAD ON, being in a panicked state, the victim will often grab you and pull you both down.
I've come to realize that's what's happened in many ways in this relationship.
It's time for her to swim.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sigh.... what a memory
Well, to top off things at this point... after Sunday's meltdown, Monday's silent treatment, Tuesday's kind of silent treatment....
I came home, happened to be early because that was how my day worked out.... and did some cleaning she requested, and more than she asked for (no, no thank yous were given...) Then started packing for my trip.
I also changed into fresh clothes, whereupon she said, "Are you going somewhere?"
I tried not to be incredulous, as I said, "Yes, to the hotel I booked for the stay, park and fly deal."
"I thought you were leaving tomorrow"
"No, I sent you a copy of my flight itinerary"
"How am I supposed to track something like that??!!"
Anyway, we got a little disagreeable at times, but not horrifyingly so....
And, it's the typical swing from manic / agitated depression to maudlin feelings....
I came home, happened to be early because that was how my day worked out.... and did some cleaning she requested, and more than she asked for (no, no thank yous were given...) Then started packing for my trip.
I also changed into fresh clothes, whereupon she said, "Are you going somewhere?"
I tried not to be incredulous, as I said, "Yes, to the hotel I booked for the stay, park and fly deal."
"I thought you were leaving tomorrow"
"No, I sent you a copy of my flight itinerary"
"How am I supposed to track something like that??!!"
Anyway, we got a little disagreeable at times, but not horrifyingly so....
And, it's the typical swing from manic / agitated depression to maudlin feelings....
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Tonight's "comments"
When I got home unexpectedly late, I of course apologized again for having worried her, etc.
She doesn't tend to have the right view of my job -- sometimes it's very similar to being a fireman -- if there's a fire, you go, and it takes the time and effort it takes -- and the loved one has to wonder, worry, and hope....
No, she wants more normalcy than I'm likely to give her job-wise. Well, can't be helped.
Anyway, shortly after I came downstairs to make my supper, she appeared and said, "Do you realize that in a little more than 12 hours, you'll be up and headed right back to work? "
Me, "Sometimes that happens".
M, "Well, what kind of a life is that??!!"
Well, it's the life I lead. And, mostly work-wise, I like it and I do it really really well.
It's a shame she doesn't understand and honor me more for it.
She doesn't tend to have the right view of my job -- sometimes it's very similar to being a fireman -- if there's a fire, you go, and it takes the time and effort it takes -- and the loved one has to wonder, worry, and hope....
No, she wants more normalcy than I'm likely to give her job-wise. Well, can't be helped.
Anyway, shortly after I came downstairs to make my supper, she appeared and said, "Do you realize that in a little more than 12 hours, you'll be up and headed right back to work? "
Me, "Sometimes that happens".
M, "Well, what kind of a life is that??!!"
Well, it's the life I lead. And, mostly work-wise, I like it and I do it really really well.
It's a shame she doesn't understand and honor me more for it.
Unexpectedly worked late, and
Still at work, unexpected meeting at 7p + .... Phone from home rang 2X from 7:15 to 7:20. Unfortunately, I had not been able to call in advance, NOR could I interrupt the meeting I was in gracefully to call home....
So, I knew there'd be some troubled reaction.
Actually, so far, it's not been terrible. I called @ 7:30p, just as soon as I could. She started to get testy, but I just calmly said it couldn't be helped, and yes, I knew it was worrisome for me to be late ("Yeah, an hour later than I expected!!") and I was sorry. Anyway, she started to get testy, and then stopped herself short... That was a bit of a surprise.
When I got home, I got one interesting comment (see next message), and then lots of silent treatment. She's clearly not feeling well. Neither am I. I certainly intend to be careful how and what I say....
So, I knew there'd be some troubled reaction.
Actually, so far, it's not been terrible. I called @ 7:30p, just as soon as I could. She started to get testy, but I just calmly said it couldn't be helped, and yes, I knew it was worrisome for me to be late ("Yeah, an hour later than I expected!!") and I was sorry. Anyway, she started to get testy, and then stopped herself short... That was a bit of a surprise.
When I got home, I got one interesting comment (see next message), and then lots of silent treatment. She's clearly not feeling well. Neither am I. I certainly intend to be careful how and what I say....
Monday, February 26, 2007
One of yesterday's notes
was the following. M left this after she went out tramping around in her boots in the snow to burn off some of her ill feelings and bad energy. It didn't work that well, as the evening continued to get conflicted until the astrology bit....
Anyway, the note:
"I mailed K's [my D.I.L.] belated b-day present tonight -- you know -- the mother of the most wonderful granddaughter and the prodigal son's wife -- you my or may not with to call S [my son] and let him know that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Or not. Doesn't really matter since I'm just as much of a non-entity to your entire family as I am to you.
Anyway, the note:
"I mailed K's [my D.I.L.] belated b-day present tonight -- you know -- the mother of the most wonderful granddaughter and the prodigal son's wife -- you my or may not with to call S [my son] and let him know that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Or not. Doesn't really matter since I'm just as much of a non-entity to your entire family as I am to you.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Mars in retrograde?
She says Mars is about to go into retrograde....
then says, that means we should really make our official "quitting day" March 29....
I guess to that the retrograde isn't affecting such a major decision....
Hey, I don't know....
Oh, and NOW, I'm welcome to sleep in the master BR if I want to....
(again, apparently she believes astrologically it's the wrong time to make major decisions....)
Of course, I recognize that this "invitation" is just as easily turned into a rejection felt, as well, for her part.... Because, now what if I do NOT?? I know how that would go.
And, on top of it, I looked up the retrograde, and at least on one plausible hit, it appears that she's incorrect.
Mercury, maybe, but not Mars. Mars is already there, not going into retrograde....
then says, that means we should really make our official "quitting day" March 29....
I guess to that the retrograde isn't affecting such a major decision....
Hey, I don't know....
Oh, and NOW, I'm welcome to sleep in the master BR if I want to....
(again, apparently she believes astrologically it's the wrong time to make major decisions....)
Of course, I recognize that this "invitation" is just as easily turned into a rejection felt, as well, for her part.... Because, now what if I do NOT?? I know how that would go.
And, on top of it, I looked up the retrograde, and at least on one plausible hit, it appears that she's incorrect.
Mercury, maybe, but not Mars. Mars is already there, not going into retrograde....
Who lives where?
She also came down and wanted to know what my thinking had been when I had expressed that I hadn't envisioned a scenario where she left and I stayed in the house....
First, I clarified that that was a reference to any sudden / temporary move-out.
Then, I explained that the purpose was to disrupt her life and routine as little as possible.
However, she started in on how, "Yeah, and it'd be a lot more convenient for you, etc".
Started to get testy. But, I guess I waved it off....
First, I clarified that that was a reference to any sudden / temporary move-out.
Then, I explained that the purpose was to disrupt her life and routine as little as possible.
However, she started in on how, "Yeah, and it'd be a lot more convenient for you, etc".
Started to get testy. But, I guess I waved it off....
On and on and on
Well, she collected herself and came to the living room "to talk" a couple hours ago. Started out OK. Sorta. Then, of course, rapidly headed into a rehash of the many sins and troubles I've caused her.... I stayed really, really patient until it had been quite a while.
Then, she was about to start into the evergreen "all the sacrifice and effort she's put into my parents and my family and their visits....." and on and on.
I finally showed the least weary exasperation. Which, made her intensely angry!
Now, since, she's come back and forth with one and another of her hurts, offendedness and all.
It just goes on and on and on.
A little bit ago, she came down and made a statement about how, "I've asked several times about trying a different relationship therapist...and I might as well be talking to the wall."
I just looked at her. As often happens with partners of BPD people, we try to do couples therapy, "buy" that it is a "safe place" to express ourselves, only to find out otherwise in very short order. Time after time I had to pay for days after a session together.
No thanks.
Then, she was about to start into the evergreen "all the sacrifice and effort she's put into my parents and my family and their visits....." and on and on.
I finally showed the least weary exasperation. Which, made her intensely angry!
Now, since, she's come back and forth with one and another of her hurts, offendedness and all.
It just goes on and on and on.
A little bit ago, she came down and made a statement about how, "I've asked several times about trying a different relationship therapist...and I might as well be talking to the wall."
I just looked at her. As often happens with partners of BPD people, we try to do couples therapy, "buy" that it is a "safe place" to express ourselves, only to find out otherwise in very short order. Time after time I had to pay for days after a session together.
No thanks.
Equity vs equity
Wanted to record this while I was thinking of it. Yet another area of conflict that has arisen is her contention that she's being cheated on equity.
She "remembers" she got $50k equity from her house. Mine was maybe half that. She has it in her head that I spent MY equity on my piano and on repaying a loan to my parents. Not true. But, it's in HER head.
She conveniently forgets that we had an agreement that based on my assistance with her house, together with what I had for my equity -- that we were combining all that and our sweat equity into this place and it was a 50/50 proposition.
How convenient to forget.
No, better to feel lied to and cheated, even if not based in any reality.
She "remembers" she got $50k equity from her house. Mine was maybe half that. She has it in her head that I spent MY equity on my piano and on repaying a loan to my parents. Not true. But, it's in HER head.
She conveniently forgets that we had an agreement that based on my assistance with her house, together with what I had for my equity -- that we were combining all that and our sweat equity into this place and it was a 50/50 proposition.
How convenient to forget.
No, better to feel lied to and cheated, even if not based in any reality.
No surprise, she's getting worked up
As the afternoon and evning has progressed, she's gotten incruasingly incensed and reactive. Very typical. So far, I haven't responded in anger. Outright asked her if that's what she was seeking.
More and more accusations
Blame on me and my schedule and tiredness for lack of sex
devaluing of the start of the relationahip "this was just supposed to be a fling for you..."
on and on.
But, she has tramped off in her boots and vest and maybe she'll walk off some of the negative energy.
Not likely. But, at least the house is quiet for a little while.
It's tempting to pack for my trip and pack for the next few days and get the hell out.
But, I'm trying to stay at ease as best I can.
More and more accusations
Blame on me and my schedule and tiredness for lack of sex
devaluing of the start of the relationahip "this was just supposed to be a fling for you..."
on and on.
But, she has tramped off in her boots and vest and maybe she'll walk off some of the negative energy.
Not likely. But, at least the house is quiet for a little while.
It's tempting to pack for my trip and pack for the next few days and get the hell out.
But, I'm trying to stay at ease as best I can.
Why she doesn't see her T
One of my great frustration points is that she has NOT seen her T since mid-last Fall.
One of the bits of mud I flung this p.m. was to make reference to that. I forget exactly what I said, or my point. Other than saying, "You'd ought to be talking about something like that to your T whom you haven't seen in weeks and months!!" Or maybe something a bit harsher.
Anyway, shortly after, she came downstairs and said, "You want to know WHY I don't go to see my T? "
OK, I bit....
"Because, she is FRUSTRATED with me [apparently, from her subsequent comments, due to her not dealing with either demanding we get married or moving out]. " She went on to say, "She told me 5 months ago to leave...." (words I've heard before....)
THEN, she went on to say, "You know, my T told us 3 years ago that we should just get married so we would avoid these kinds of problems..."
"US?? ", I said....[I don't recall this at all]
"Yes, us. But, you wouldn't rememember that, now would you...."
Yipe.
One of the bits of mud I flung this p.m. was to make reference to that. I forget exactly what I said, or my point. Other than saying, "You'd ought to be talking about something like that to your T whom you haven't seen in weeks and months!!" Or maybe something a bit harsher.
Anyway, shortly after, she came downstairs and said, "You want to know WHY I don't go to see my T? "
OK, I bit....
"Because, she is FRUSTRATED with me [apparently, from her subsequent comments, due to her not dealing with either demanding we get married or moving out]. " She went on to say, "She told me 5 months ago to leave...." (words I've heard before....)
THEN, she went on to say, "You know, my T told us 3 years ago that we should just get married so we would avoid these kinds of problems..."
"US?? ", I said....[I don't recall this at all]
"Yes, us. But, you wouldn't rememember that, now would you...."
Yipe.
Where there's a will
Interesting odd bit out of her mouth between things. She wanted to know if I have any Last Will and Testament forms or software....
Tonight?? I asked.
NO, but before you're GONE FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS....
Whatever.
I do have something at work that I think might include will software....
And, I DO wonder about why she's wanting it.... Maybe I should make her ask twice.
Tonight?? I asked.
NO, but before you're GONE FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS....
Whatever.
I do have something at work that I think might include will software....
And, I DO wonder about why she's wanting it.... Maybe I should make her ask twice.
Making it worse
When I came home a few minutes ago, M was on the phone to her older boy. Not good.
When she gets into this space, she too often phones these boys and has inappropriate conversations with them. Conversations that ought to be with a friend, her sis, or her T.
But, she doesn't tend to choose well in this regard. So, she'll lay stuff on these kids that she really should not.
When I got home, somehow she was into jabbering at the boy about his dad and how perfect her was (per the kids) and how SHE could never do anything right, (per the EX)...
She already has a pretty strained relationship with this kid (24 or 25 y.o.) and these rows make it worse....
Anyway, she had him on speaker, and I could tell her wasn't buying her BS, which made her angrier and angrier. Finally, someone hung up....
A few minutes later, she came down and said, "You might want to talk to N about that property in FL -- he looked into it, but I'M apparently NOT supposed to be....???? something or other. "
Anyway, she ranted on and stomped back upstairs, loudly declaring how he was JUST LIKE HIS DAD -- probably WORSE....
Then she SLAMMED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Made a bit more noisome activity.... AND, I just heard her drop her pills.... oh my my
You know, she's just not wise to go to her troubled children, whom she helped trouble, for reassurance and self-worth.
NOT gonna happen
When she gets into this space, she too often phones these boys and has inappropriate conversations with them. Conversations that ought to be with a friend, her sis, or her T.
But, she doesn't tend to choose well in this regard. So, she'll lay stuff on these kids that she really should not.
When I got home, somehow she was into jabbering at the boy about his dad and how perfect her was (per the kids) and how SHE could never do anything right, (per the EX)...
She already has a pretty strained relationship with this kid (24 or 25 y.o.) and these rows make it worse....
Anyway, she had him on speaker, and I could tell her wasn't buying her BS, which made her angrier and angrier. Finally, someone hung up....
A few minutes later, she came down and said, "You might want to talk to N about that property in FL -- he looked into it, but I'M apparently NOT supposed to be....???? something or other. "
Anyway, she ranted on and stomped back upstairs, loudly declaring how he was JUST LIKE HIS DAD -- probably WORSE....
Then she SLAMMED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Made a bit more noisome activity.... AND, I just heard her drop her pills.... oh my my
You know, she's just not wise to go to her troubled children, whom she helped trouble, for reassurance and self-worth.
NOT gonna happen
odds and ends and wills
Several hours ago, M asked me about financial matters in an accusatory tone that always sets me on edge. I didn't get too angry, but testy. This is information I have provided for her previously. She conveniently forgets that half our savings are in stocks, and gets distressed that our savings that she sees @ the ATM are smaller than she'd like....
Tends to accuse me of over-spending (I am as frugal as our house and lifestyle allow for).
Just gets nasty over money.
I didn't rise to the bait, I did get testy. But no more than.
Instead, I asked if she was trying to set it up for us to go toe to toe all afternoon or what? "I just asked a couple of questions..." says she.
Then I said, I'm going to take off for a couple hours and then come back. She responded, "Go see a movie"....
Whatever.
Tends to accuse me of over-spending (I am as frugal as our house and lifestyle allow for).
Just gets nasty over money.
I didn't rise to the bait, I did get testy. But no more than.
Instead, I asked if she was trying to set it up for us to go toe to toe all afternoon or what? "I just asked a couple of questions..." says she.
Then I said, I'm going to take off for a couple hours and then come back. She responded, "Go see a movie"....
Whatever.
Transference and projection, just wonderful
No surprise. M just came back after taking herself "away" for awhile, maybe 90 minutes to two hours gone....
I tried NOT to immediately assume her to be sour.... so I just said, "Hello".
She said, indistinctly (so I had to ask her to repeat, which fueled the fire) "I think I'd prefer if you NOT talk to me..." And, "If you can't do that, then I can pack a suitcase...."
I fell silent.
Then something about, "If I HAD A PLACE to go, and it didn't hurt to drive (yadayadayada) I WOULDN'T BE HERE...."
Then she launched into her being a doormat and tired of it....
up the stairs, back down again.... more tirade....
and of always being wrong, and saying the wrong thing... and on, and on.
Wrong for NOT knowing my schedule. Wrong for not knowing WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BE AND WHO YOU'LL BE WITH".... etc, etc Wrong for asking....
Then, in an extra added dramatic spin, she went out to the recycle and grabbed the "Housing" classifieds....
She wasn't obvious, but wasn't invisible about it, either...
Cute.
Actually, it would be very good for her to find herself a place of her own while I'm gone.... That would be good for her and fine for me.....
Of course, I'm keeping my possible new living place a continuing secret until I'm certain and done with it.
I tried NOT to immediately assume her to be sour.... so I just said, "Hello".
She said, indistinctly (so I had to ask her to repeat, which fueled the fire) "I think I'd prefer if you NOT talk to me..." And, "If you can't do that, then I can pack a suitcase...."
I fell silent.
Then something about, "If I HAD A PLACE to go, and it didn't hurt to drive (yadayadayada) I WOULDN'T BE HERE...."
Then she launched into her being a doormat and tired of it....
up the stairs, back down again.... more tirade....
and of always being wrong, and saying the wrong thing... and on, and on.
Wrong for NOT knowing my schedule. Wrong for not knowing WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BE AND WHO YOU'LL BE WITH".... etc, etc Wrong for asking....
Then, in an extra added dramatic spin, she went out to the recycle and grabbed the "Housing" classifieds....
She wasn't obvious, but wasn't invisible about it, either...
Cute.
Actually, it would be very good for her to find herself a place of her own while I'm gone.... That would be good for her and fine for me.....
Of course, I'm keeping my possible new living place a continuing secret until I'm certain and done with it.
Sunday, Sunday
Well, the inevitable meltdown finally occurred. Or, should I say, is occurring.
As we reviewed the Sunday ads, the subject of my upcoming schedule came to the fore. I leave for a 4 day conference mid this week. She's staying home. Flights were just too expensive. And schedules unattractive.
Anyway, so as NOT to blindside her later, like later this week or next week when I'm back, I made sure to mention that upon my return, later that week commencing Thursday night, I have work related meetings into Saturday a.m.. Mind you, she had this info before and didn't apparently retain or record it. Anyway, too little notice, too late, keeps being an issue according to her.
She, as I was afraid she would, rapidly descended into an unhappy state. This is after a relatively conflict-free past work week (of course, I made myself very availale for her as she was in town a lot -- that always helps -- whether I have the time is another matter...) Probably even more an affect was the fact that she had almost no sleep last night due to her stomach hurting (may not be tolerating the presciption dose of Motrin).
Anyway, I knew she was likely to get very churlish and unhappy.... Hoped otherwise by being relatively proactive with info, but of course it wasn't enough.
She began the rants about not knowing, about what the hell is she supposed to do with herself while I'm out of the house 9 days out of the next 14, etc, etc. I tried to head of having a huge fight by pointing out that's where we were headed....
And, by pointing out that I thought I'd followed "all the rules". She had the info long ago, and I thought I was reminding her of what was coming up. She ranted on some. Making snarky remarks about "it's his WORK", etc.... (this usually precedes her getting more and more upset.) This time, so far not too dramatically, but enough that I was starting to get upset.
To the work crack, I finally said, "Look, this looks like it's headed to the usual place. By later today you will accuse me of being just like your first husband (whose work was "all important (actually it was a camoflage for his philandering)) then of being as bad as your mother, or a combination of both. You'll accuse me of abusing you in some manner as you've done before when we get into this space."
I think I finally said I wasn't going to engage in this any further, but that might have been earlier, attempting to "head things off".
I don't recall her response, only that she was put out that I laid that out for her.... And, I headed upstairs to the treadmill to work off some of my negative energy.
Meanwhile, she came to me not at all, got showered, dressed, and left me a note that "I'm going elsewhere so you can't accuse me of anything else. Have a nice day."
And, I've journaled this while cooling off from my treadmilling.
Now, I'll clean up, do the usual Sunday stuff: trash, count pills, etc.... then probably work on taxes.
No reason for me not to do what I usually do and what must be done on a Sunday in this household. Someone has to be the adult.
As we reviewed the Sunday ads, the subject of my upcoming schedule came to the fore. I leave for a 4 day conference mid this week. She's staying home. Flights were just too expensive. And schedules unattractive.
Anyway, so as NOT to blindside her later, like later this week or next week when I'm back, I made sure to mention that upon my return, later that week commencing Thursday night, I have work related meetings into Saturday a.m.. Mind you, she had this info before and didn't apparently retain or record it. Anyway, too little notice, too late, keeps being an issue according to her.
She, as I was afraid she would, rapidly descended into an unhappy state. This is after a relatively conflict-free past work week (of course, I made myself very availale for her as she was in town a lot -- that always helps -- whether I have the time is another matter...) Probably even more an affect was the fact that she had almost no sleep last night due to her stomach hurting (may not be tolerating the presciption dose of Motrin).
Anyway, I knew she was likely to get very churlish and unhappy.... Hoped otherwise by being relatively proactive with info, but of course it wasn't enough.
She began the rants about not knowing, about what the hell is she supposed to do with herself while I'm out of the house 9 days out of the next 14, etc, etc. I tried to head of having a huge fight by pointing out that's where we were headed....
And, by pointing out that I thought I'd followed "all the rules". She had the info long ago, and I thought I was reminding her of what was coming up. She ranted on some. Making snarky remarks about "it's his WORK", etc.... (this usually precedes her getting more and more upset.) This time, so far not too dramatically, but enough that I was starting to get upset.
To the work crack, I finally said, "Look, this looks like it's headed to the usual place. By later today you will accuse me of being just like your first husband (whose work was "all important (actually it was a camoflage for his philandering)) then of being as bad as your mother, or a combination of both. You'll accuse me of abusing you in some manner as you've done before when we get into this space."
I think I finally said I wasn't going to engage in this any further, but that might have been earlier, attempting to "head things off".
I don't recall her response, only that she was put out that I laid that out for her.... And, I headed upstairs to the treadmill to work off some of my negative energy.
Meanwhile, she came to me not at all, got showered, dressed, and left me a note that "I'm going elsewhere so you can't accuse me of anything else. Have a nice day."
And, I've journaled this while cooling off from my treadmilling.
Now, I'll clean up, do the usual Sunday stuff: trash, count pills, etc.... then probably work on taxes.
No reason for me not to do what I usually do and what must be done on a Sunday in this household. Someone has to be the adult.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The maybe new house
Well, I took a walk through of my possible new temporary home. The young lady is not tidy.... Cute little house. With a little patience and adjustment, we probably could make it work. I find her energy interesting.... Overly enthusiastic, rapid speak is a bit much.... but I think there's something interesting there.
She's even been clear that whenever I'm ready (as I will be out of town a lot in the next couple weeks, so there's no need for me to jump just yet....)....
Very casual. We'll see how life leads in the next few weeks....
She's even been clear that whenever I'm ready (as I will be out of town a lot in the next couple weeks, so there's no need for me to jump just yet....)....
Very casual. We'll see how life leads in the next few weeks....
Weekend, always dangerous
Last night went surprisingly well. Very surprisingly. Yesterday at her followup Dr appt for her surgery, she found out she has tendonitis and if it doesn't clear with a course of drugs, will require additional very minor surgery.... (so the Dr says.... although minor never really seemst to be the reality...) Soooo..... I never heard from her at all -- even though we had quasi-plans to get together -- until she was home and worn. She called from there and left a weary VM for me on my cell. Then didn't take my calls when I returned hers....
I figured she was withdrawing and hiding due to "bad news from the doctor" and she was. But, she wasn't too awfully maudlin or difficult when I got home. Of course, I made sure to ask her the right, concerned questions.
Anyway, once the high dose of Ibuprofen started to work, she decided to come downstairs so we could watch a favorite CBS show together. That was followed by watching some of extras on a DVD, and then, oddly, but not totally oddly, she got to rubbing some oils into some skin eruptions and then on my feet.... which got her sexual.... which led her to rub something more... and we ended up going upstairs to enjoy the moment appropriately and in a more comfortable place than the living room floor....
Then, there was this a.m.. Started out OK. Friendly. No worries.... Then, she came downstairs to watch TV. I saw her fiddling -- she sometimes gets oddly confused about which button to press -- you know how you have to push the TV button on a universal remote, to deal with the TV, and the CABLE button to deal with the cable box. Well, she does this now and then, she kept trying to turn the TV on, and instead would turn the cable box off. Oh, and I think it started because the TV was accidently on the wrong channel.... Anyway, she kept having the remote set to the wrong device for what she was trying to do....
Finally, I heard the remote crash on the floor -- something she does regularly. I didn't get TOO reactive, I just said in a surprised, maybe slightly exasperated voice, "Oh, Madeline...." [not her real name, of course]. She got a bit bothered for awhile, and I wasn't quite certain what was what, so not long after I just said, "WHAT are you upset about??!!" She says, "I just get tired of things not working the way they're supposed to." ( I kept my thoughts about user error to myself....)
Anyway, she seems to be getting about now. I think we're headed to a home and garden show at a local mall. I will try really hard to have a warm, friendly easy day.... Drifting downriver every chance I get.
I figured she was withdrawing and hiding due to "bad news from the doctor" and she was. But, she wasn't too awfully maudlin or difficult when I got home. Of course, I made sure to ask her the right, concerned questions.
Anyway, once the high dose of Ibuprofen started to work, she decided to come downstairs so we could watch a favorite CBS show together. That was followed by watching some of extras on a DVD, and then, oddly, but not totally oddly, she got to rubbing some oils into some skin eruptions and then on my feet.... which got her sexual.... which led her to rub something more... and we ended up going upstairs to enjoy the moment appropriately and in a more comfortable place than the living room floor....
Then, there was this a.m.. Started out OK. Friendly. No worries.... Then, she came downstairs to watch TV. I saw her fiddling -- she sometimes gets oddly confused about which button to press -- you know how you have to push the TV button on a universal remote, to deal with the TV, and the CABLE button to deal with the cable box. Well, she does this now and then, she kept trying to turn the TV on, and instead would turn the cable box off. Oh, and I think it started because the TV was accidently on the wrong channel.... Anyway, she kept having the remote set to the wrong device for what she was trying to do....
Finally, I heard the remote crash on the floor -- something she does regularly. I didn't get TOO reactive, I just said in a surprised, maybe slightly exasperated voice, "Oh, Madeline...." [not her real name, of course]. She got a bit bothered for awhile, and I wasn't quite certain what was what, so not long after I just said, "WHAT are you upset about??!!" She says, "I just get tired of things not working the way they're supposed to." ( I kept my thoughts about user error to myself....)
Anyway, she seems to be getting about now. I think we're headed to a home and garden show at a local mall. I will try really hard to have a warm, friendly easy day.... Drifting downriver every chance I get.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Hmmmm... place to live awhile? Maybe
Well, I met KC last night, a 35 y.o. lady with a house she doesn't use much -- just 5 or 6 days a month. Looking for a room mate to help defray her costs as she tries to live and work primarily 4 hours away from here.
Anyway, she's a bit "wired" for my taste -- not an untypical young person -- but a little wired. Very open and trusting, though. After we got to know one another, she offered that I could feel free to go take a look and see what I thought of the place. Said, it's not locked, because there's not really anything much to steal.
So, the first decision had to be on a comfort level with her personally and vice versa. Well, she's got some interesting mind-body philosophies that she's applying. Particularly an approach called Yamuna body rolling.... So, that might be interesting to tie into in some manner. I just have to be able to deal with her energeticness and enthusiasm.....
So, on the way to work I today I took a look. Interesting. A bit small, of course. Just the standard urban row house, with a cape cod attic (not really living space. Two small bedrooms, but a large LR and large kitchen / dining room area....
My hesitation is this, though.... she's not neat. Not tidy. Not terribly so, but more than a bit scattered and unorganized.... Of course, that fits the right brain-ness I picked up on in short order.
Well, Im not neat, tidy and organized either.... So I wonder about that as a combination.
I'm also feeling a little uncertain about how comfortable she really would be in sharing her home with someone like that, or an older guy like me....
But, she's been very open, very flexible. Offered me use of her bed -- master BR. Open to a very flexible arrangement..... just very loose and casual.
OTOH, looking about, I no longer think it's a possible crash place for M. Once I take this step, M will have to deal with her changes on her own and in her own way and time. Looking at this place, I don't see M being able to cope with it and be very happy about it.
But, as temporary living space for me... for weeks or maybe a couple months.... Huge possible yes to that..... Thinking, thinking.
Anyway, she's a bit "wired" for my taste -- not an untypical young person -- but a little wired. Very open and trusting, though. After we got to know one another, she offered that I could feel free to go take a look and see what I thought of the place. Said, it's not locked, because there's not really anything much to steal.
So, the first decision had to be on a comfort level with her personally and vice versa. Well, she's got some interesting mind-body philosophies that she's applying. Particularly an approach called Yamuna body rolling.... So, that might be interesting to tie into in some manner. I just have to be able to deal with her energeticness and enthusiasm.....
So, on the way to work I today I took a look. Interesting. A bit small, of course. Just the standard urban row house, with a cape cod attic (not really living space. Two small bedrooms, but a large LR and large kitchen / dining room area....
My hesitation is this, though.... she's not neat. Not tidy. Not terribly so, but more than a bit scattered and unorganized.... Of course, that fits the right brain-ness I picked up on in short order.
Well, Im not neat, tidy and organized either.... So I wonder about that as a combination.
I'm also feeling a little uncertain about how comfortable she really would be in sharing her home with someone like that, or an older guy like me....
But, she's been very open, very flexible. Offered me use of her bed -- master BR. Open to a very flexible arrangement..... just very loose and casual.
OTOH, looking about, I no longer think it's a possible crash place for M. Once I take this step, M will have to deal with her changes on her own and in her own way and time. Looking at this place, I don't see M being able to cope with it and be very happy about it.
But, as temporary living space for me... for weeks or maybe a couple months.... Huge possible yes to that..... Thinking, thinking.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Nervous, nervous
Well, even though M and I have "gotten along" pretty much this week, I continue to take steps toward a saner state of being.
Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop waiting to meet my potential new landlady. I'm actually anxious and nervous -- I'm sure in large part because of the potentially major and drastic change in my life this represents. Anyway, it's a bit facinating to see myself react in such a way.
Appointment is for 4:30.... and she is a body worker -- and such folks are often a bit flighty, so I know better than to be surprised if she runs a bit late.
Seems like the universe has led me here. She badly needs to rent her house out. Reasonably priced. In a decent neighborhood that is 10 minutes away from my office, from downtown, etc. Laundry machines in the house. Month to month OK. OK if I live there or M..... It's all good, per the email exchanges anyway.
Now, the proof is in the meeting of one another. Taking the measure and the impression. Keeping the intuition open.... as well as the mind.
Part of my nerves also comes in trying to think about a timetable and timeframe, as well as the horror that the intiation of this change will be in mhy world... albeit, briefly, and moreso for M than for me....
We shall see.
Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop waiting to meet my potential new landlady. I'm actually anxious and nervous -- I'm sure in large part because of the potentially major and drastic change in my life this represents. Anyway, it's a bit facinating to see myself react in such a way.
Appointment is for 4:30.... and she is a body worker -- and such folks are often a bit flighty, so I know better than to be surprised if she runs a bit late.
Seems like the universe has led me here. She badly needs to rent her house out. Reasonably priced. In a decent neighborhood that is 10 minutes away from my office, from downtown, etc. Laundry machines in the house. Month to month OK. OK if I live there or M..... It's all good, per the email exchanges anyway.
Now, the proof is in the meeting of one another. Taking the measure and the impression. Keeping the intuition open.... as well as the mind.
Part of my nerves also comes in trying to think about a timetable and timeframe, as well as the horror that the intiation of this change will be in mhy world... albeit, briefly, and moreso for M than for me....
We shall see.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Split to the good / white
Thought of this passage in the book Boomerang Love as the last day or two unfolded:
(adapted)
"She was smiling again. L must have done something (unknowingly) that allowed her to be SPLIT GOOD again and placed back on the overvaluation pedistal. Little does L know how shaky that pedestal is.
I wonder if L -- and all of us in relationshiops with BPDs--need to realistically accept that we will always live under the knife --just a few steps away from traumatic pain over which we have no control.
All control is really in the hands of the BPD partner. Try as we might, we can't see inside their heads to know what's REALLY going on in there, to protect ourselves in advance of their actions.
I wonder if we'll ever REALLY BE SAFE.... I wonder.... "
and my comment to that is that it certainly does encapsulate the experience and danger of being the one split to the good. However, I DO know how shaky being on that pedestal is!!
And, constantly living "under the knife" is exactly how I feel... whether I show it to her or not.
(adapted)
"She was smiling again. L must have done something (unknowingly) that allowed her to be SPLIT GOOD again and placed back on the overvaluation pedistal. Little does L know how shaky that pedestal is.
I wonder if L -- and all of us in relationshiops with BPDs--need to realistically accept that we will always live under the knife --just a few steps away from traumatic pain over which we have no control.
All control is really in the hands of the BPD partner. Try as we might, we can't see inside their heads to know what's REALLY going on in there, to protect ourselves in advance of their actions.
I wonder if we'll ever REALLY BE SAFE.... I wonder.... "
and my comment to that is that it certainly does encapsulate the experience and danger of being the one split to the good. However, I DO know how shaky being on that pedestal is!!
And, constantly living "under the knife" is exactly how I feel... whether I show it to her or not.
Yesterday / last night.... fun, truly.
Yup. After the seriously manic episode, the slow drift toward the other direction has happened steadily over the last couple days. Part of it's the classic abuser / "make up" swing, part of it's typical BPD swing, etc, etc.
Yesterday was a continuation of the day before. Friendlier. Warmer. Clearly M is feeling a bit more loved and cherished, yadayada.... I'm being responsive, but not overly demonstrative -- trying to be careful neither to imply more hope than there is, nor to trigger any outbreaks of ill feelings -- the typical eggshell walking we partners do.
Yesterday when I got home, she asked about going to the tavern for a pizza. I said sure, noted it was karaoke night (and activity we adoped a couple years ago, had a lot of joint fun with, but have missed since it had been ceased at the little bar 1/2 mile away....)
So down we went a little time before, had a beer, pizza, and moved into the other room to check out the new karaoke host.
Things happened as I would have predicted.... we had a nice time, I sang a lot, she sang a few, she picked out some of my standards for karaoke that she likes (the love songs, of course.... I wasn't entirely comfortable, but I tried to come across warmly enough....) The karaoke time went well. Only one awful singer. Small attendance, friendly people (I wish they all didn't smoke).
Want home by about 11:15. Now, at this time of the night, my cicadian rhythm is really low. I get very tired and sleepy.... But, M if she's likely to be horny, tends to get that way after I'm tired and nearly asleep -- IOW, about this time of the night.... Well, I wasn't surprised she took the opportunity to start something. And, I enjoyed it. Always do, because she is great in bed.
Of course, I have to ignore the prospect of subsequent accusations in devalued terms that have crept up in the recent past, usually at the next fight -- she devalues and demeans this aspect of our lives in horrendous ways.... Sigh...
I also understand the behavior in terms of the abuser putting on her best behavior and trying to change the currency of the relationship. The "campaign" to stay in relationship, while somewhat subconscious and subliminal, is apparent to me at this point.... usually happens. Somewhere she knows she's been awful, and she has to campaign toward being viewed as "good"....
Anyway, it is nice to have a little fun with her.... even if I know things have to keep moving another direction for me.
Yesterday was a continuation of the day before. Friendlier. Warmer. Clearly M is feeling a bit more loved and cherished, yadayada.... I'm being responsive, but not overly demonstrative -- trying to be careful neither to imply more hope than there is, nor to trigger any outbreaks of ill feelings -- the typical eggshell walking we partners do.
Yesterday when I got home, she asked about going to the tavern for a pizza. I said sure, noted it was karaoke night (and activity we adoped a couple years ago, had a lot of joint fun with, but have missed since it had been ceased at the little bar 1/2 mile away....)
So down we went a little time before, had a beer, pizza, and moved into the other room to check out the new karaoke host.
Things happened as I would have predicted.... we had a nice time, I sang a lot, she sang a few, she picked out some of my standards for karaoke that she likes (the love songs, of course.... I wasn't entirely comfortable, but I tried to come across warmly enough....) The karaoke time went well. Only one awful singer. Small attendance, friendly people (I wish they all didn't smoke).
Want home by about 11:15. Now, at this time of the night, my cicadian rhythm is really low. I get very tired and sleepy.... But, M if she's likely to be horny, tends to get that way after I'm tired and nearly asleep -- IOW, about this time of the night.... Well, I wasn't surprised she took the opportunity to start something. And, I enjoyed it. Always do, because she is great in bed.
Of course, I have to ignore the prospect of subsequent accusations in devalued terms that have crept up in the recent past, usually at the next fight -- she devalues and demeans this aspect of our lives in horrendous ways.... Sigh...
I also understand the behavior in terms of the abuser putting on her best behavior and trying to change the currency of the relationship. The "campaign" to stay in relationship, while somewhat subconscious and subliminal, is apparent to me at this point.... usually happens. Somewhere she knows she's been awful, and she has to campaign toward being viewed as "good"....
Anyway, it is nice to have a little fun with her.... even if I know things have to keep moving another direction for me.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Gosh, kinda normal today
Last night wasn't as restful as I needed -- M wanted to cuddle and be close for most of the night.... which can be nice, but she was restless due to her hand hurting.... But, as my older son tells me, it's easier to float downstream....
Which is what I've done today. She wanted me to tarry and be company this a.m. (no sex) which I did. Didn't hurry off to work.... Called her a couple times today to "be friendly". Etc, etc... Just easier if she's in a better frame of mind / tenor. Just got off from about 10 minutes of friendly conversation. Kind of like normal people. It's a shame that's rare!!
Of course, she doesn't know that I continue toward making a living arrangement change. Picked up a featherbed yesterday. New pillows. A sheet set.... Beginning to assemble clothing to have elsewhere.... etc.
While intellectually I may be "dragging my heels" a bit, or continuing to assume responsbility for her that isn't mine.... my spirit and instincts seem to be moving me toward making the requisite change. Not to mention the universe itself. The potential landlady and I are meeting on Thursday.... and she seems very positively inclined, as do I.... and we're yet to meet FTF. Only email and the briefest of phone calls.....
We shall see what the future holds.....
Which is what I've done today. She wanted me to tarry and be company this a.m. (no sex) which I did. Didn't hurry off to work.... Called her a couple times today to "be friendly". Etc, etc... Just easier if she's in a better frame of mind / tenor. Just got off from about 10 minutes of friendly conversation. Kind of like normal people. It's a shame that's rare!!
Of course, she doesn't know that I continue toward making a living arrangement change. Picked up a featherbed yesterday. New pillows. A sheet set.... Beginning to assemble clothing to have elsewhere.... etc.
While intellectually I may be "dragging my heels" a bit, or continuing to assume responsbility for her that isn't mine.... my spirit and instincts seem to be moving me toward making the requisite change. Not to mention the universe itself. The potential landlady and I are meeting on Thursday.... and she seems very positively inclined, as do I.... and we're yet to meet FTF. Only email and the briefest of phone calls.....
We shall see what the future holds.....
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Was it a threat?
Last night, while the manic episode / confrontation was in full swing, M made a remark that didn't strike me much at the time as anything other than bitter nasty talk.
When I crabbed a bit about the hole she'd punched into the drywall, she said something like, "Well, maybe I should have taken a hammer (I think that's what she said, but the rest of this I'm certain of).... and BASHED YOUR HEAD IN.
I fluffed it off....
But, then this a.m., I spotted my claw hammer on the floor in the garage where she had pitched it. I thought she'd punched the hole with a water bottle. Wrong. She'd gone to my tool bucket, gotten my hammer, and used it for the purpose.
Which makes me wonder, just a little bit, if I am getting to be in some danger when she's seriously manic.
When I crabbed a bit about the hole she'd punched into the drywall, she said something like, "Well, maybe I should have taken a hammer (I think that's what she said, but the rest of this I'm certain of).... and BASHED YOUR HEAD IN.
I fluffed it off....
But, then this a.m., I spotted my claw hammer on the floor in the garage where she had pitched it. I thought she'd punched the hole with a water bottle. Wrong. She'd gone to my tool bucket, gotten my hammer, and used it for the purpose.
Which makes me wonder, just a little bit, if I am getting to be in some danger when she's seriously manic.
Sunday, sunday
Poor M. Announced, "not that you care, but I have a temp of 99 degrees" (her norm is 97).
She's kind of moping about -- probably a bit concerned about my reaction to last night....
Well, she'd best not push it, because I am in touch with my feelings... I am quietly very angry. Each time I walk past the drywall mess and hole in the wall.... makes me grimace.
I cleaned up a bit of glass still left from the flute she broke last night. She was standing there as I did it and remarked, "I don't know why that glass broke..."
I just thought, are you truly out of touch of the fact that you either slammed it on the counter or threw it there.... and broke it....
What a tragic and troubled person.
She's kind of moping about -- probably a bit concerned about my reaction to last night....
Well, she'd best not push it, because I am in touch with my feelings... I am quietly very angry. Each time I walk past the drywall mess and hole in the wall.... makes me grimace.
I cleaned up a bit of glass still left from the flute she broke last night. She was standing there as I did it and remarked, "I don't know why that glass broke..."
I just thought, are you truly out of touch of the fact that you either slammed it on the counter or threw it there.... and broke it....
What a tragic and troubled person.
altering past history
Just amazing how M blames me for "moving her out into the middle of nowhere" when that was a joint decision, attempting to lower her environmental stressors....
Just amazing how she tries NOT to recall that we agreed that we were entering this joint house ownershiip with a 50/50 equity. My house proceeds plus assisting with prepping and repairing hers, plus her house proceeds....
Truly something how someone like this tries to alter remembrance and history to fit their current point of view and feeling of offense.....
Just amazing how she tries NOT to recall that we agreed that we were entering this joint house ownershiip with a 50/50 equity. My house proceeds plus assisting with prepping and repairing hers, plus her house proceeds....
Truly something how someone like this tries to alter remembrance and history to fit their current point of view and feeling of offense.....
last night's notes
From M, hand written on small pieces of paper:
I told you a couple weeks ago that I was trying very hard to be "better" [actully it was last weekend, I think]. Are you going out of your way to test that? Nefver mind I've spent most of the past 2 nights sleeping in the chair and probably tonight, too. Apparently we can't even afford a couch that I could actually stretch out on comfortablly Never mind asking me about my FIBRO. If it hasn't happened to you it simply doesn't exist. Most men never experience the pain and agony of fibromyalgia. Thank your stars. My "fibro" has been worse this winter than it has been for the past 2-03 years. Wonder why. Do you have any clue? Perhaps -- just perhaps I am so stressed out about my future -- of lack thereof -- that it is back with a vengance??
#2
In my estimation, we have spent 11 hours in the same space in the past 72 hours. Is there something amiss in this picture?
#3
Ya know, I heard you tell your mom that hte best thing they ever did was to move into a community. Hmmmmmmmm Is Hereville [my town] a "community" for either of us? NO!! [That's true -- we're not church people. It's a little town.... wouldn't really know how to break into the social structure, I guess]
#4
I think you SO need to carve out time to go visit your son and granddaughter [in the Carolinas] soon.
I told you a couple weeks ago that I was trying very hard to be "better" [actully it was last weekend, I think]. Are you going out of your way to test that? Nefver mind I've spent most of the past 2 nights sleeping in the chair and probably tonight, too. Apparently we can't even afford a couch that I could actually stretch out on comfortablly Never mind asking me about my FIBRO. If it hasn't happened to you it simply doesn't exist. Most men never experience the pain and agony of fibromyalgia. Thank your stars. My "fibro" has been worse this winter than it has been for the past 2-03 years. Wonder why. Do you have any clue? Perhaps -- just perhaps I am so stressed out about my future -- of lack thereof -- that it is back with a vengance??
#2
In my estimation, we have spent 11 hours in the same space in the past 72 hours. Is there something amiss in this picture?
#3
Ya know, I heard you tell your mom that hte best thing they ever did was to move into a community. Hmmmmmmmm Is Hereville [my town] a "community" for either of us? NO!! [That's true -- we're not church people. It's a little town.... wouldn't really know how to break into the social structure, I guess]
#4
I think you SO need to carve out time to go visit your son and granddaughter [in the Carolinas] soon.
The battle is initiated
11 p... Phone rings. It's M calling from her car. "Hello?" "Hello", I said.... M, "Yesssss......" "hello". "What are you doing, calling from the car?" "DDDUUUUUUHHHH...." "What are you doing?" call disconnects.....
I get up, could see the car taillights, get dressed, went on outside to deal with her.
Oh, but on my way, I find the reason for the banging. She'd sat on the stoop in the garage and banged a hole into the garage wall with a water bottle (I think). Bang marks all over. Hole punched through nearly a foot wide.
I didn't find my keys, looked in the wrong pocket on my way out....so, I thought she'd grabbed them. Went out to the car, opened the door, starting her (eyes were closed "sleeping"). Said,
"Where the hell are my keys?" "What are you doing out here?" and "Why did you punch a hole in the
garage wall?"
She correctly informed me she didn't have my keys, and I went back into the house. Got a change of underwear, my shave kit and my computer and reading materials and was getting ready to go elsewhere for the night, when she came back in.
So, then we had to go round for 1/2 hour or better. Whether I was going to leave, how dare I, I'll change the locks, don't ever talk to me again, on and on. Lot's about how abused and terrible her life is. All the usual.
I still only got slightly hot.... Not hugely angry.
finally began trying to withdraw to attempt, again, to go sleep.... heard the nasty remarks about how important "HIS" sleep is.... never mind she's insomnic. Offered again to go to the guest room. Again, insisted I not.
She came up sometime later. Seemed like she tried to disturb me a little. Not a lot. She went to fitful sleep. She was "sleeping" or staying quiet when I got up at 7:30. She's been awake / aware with the TV on for the last 45 minutes or so.....
She so doesn't understand what she's done to herself and this relationship by not seeking good effective treatment for her BPD and other conditions. Now I will do what I must do.
I get up, could see the car taillights, get dressed, went on outside to deal with her.
Oh, but on my way, I find the reason for the banging. She'd sat on the stoop in the garage and banged a hole into the garage wall with a water bottle (I think). Bang marks all over. Hole punched through nearly a foot wide.
I didn't find my keys, looked in the wrong pocket on my way out....so, I thought she'd grabbed them. Went out to the car, opened the door, starting her (eyes were closed "sleeping"). Said,
"Where the hell are my keys?" "What are you doing out here?" and "Why did you punch a hole in the
garage wall?"
She correctly informed me she didn't have my keys, and I went back into the house. Got a change of underwear, my shave kit and my computer and reading materials and was getting ready to go elsewhere for the night, when she came back in.
So, then we had to go round for 1/2 hour or better. Whether I was going to leave, how dare I, I'll change the locks, don't ever talk to me again, on and on. Lot's about how abused and terrible her life is. All the usual.
I still only got slightly hot.... Not hugely angry.
finally began trying to withdraw to attempt, again, to go sleep.... heard the nasty remarks about how important "HIS" sleep is.... never mind she's insomnic. Offered again to go to the guest room. Again, insisted I not.
She came up sometime later. Seemed like she tried to disturb me a little. Not a lot. She went to fitful sleep. She was "sleeping" or staying quiet when I got up at 7:30. She's been awake / aware with the TV on for the last 45 minutes or so.....
She so doesn't understand what she's done to herself and this relationship by not seeking good effective treatment for her BPD and other conditions. Now I will do what I must do.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Saturday 2/17 -- making war
Well, I tried to inititate the talk she said last night that she wanted to have today. Tried early in the p.m. when we were both in decent states of awareness, if nothing else.
She finally said, "I guess I have nothing to talk about". Shortly after, went off to do
some errands of hers....
Shortly after her return, she asked if I wanted to go down the the local pub for a beer or two. Bout 5ish. I wasn't crazy about it, as I wasn't sure if it was friendly, tolerable, or the first step toward a tortured evening. Well, it was the latter.
Went out. Had two tall beers. Came home. Then she opened a bottle of sparkling wine (why she didn't go for the cheap wine, I don't know). I shared some of it.... But, it wasn't long before the dangerous talk began.
The alcohol loosened her lips. She started to get into a couple of things, including finally, "the status / future of this relationship.". She also went again into her assertion that I get hostle , withdrawn, etc, after seeing my T.. Ref: monday past
I calmly told her that I was not going to have a conversation like that unless we both were stone cold sober. She said, "Maybe this is the only way and can face it...". I said, "I still insist that such a conversation has to take place when we are entirely sober."
After a short time, she began to try and negatively engage further. I had to be assertive, but not outright angry. I don't really recall what she tried to jabber about. I made remarks about not wanting to have this blow up into some angry confrontation again....
She then said, "Fine, go upstairs." I said, "How can I depend on not being confronted / disturbed?" "Lock the door". (doesn't realy work that way).
She remarked about how she's slept in her chair the last couple nights (no she falls asleep there and comes ups late). Etc, Etc. I offered to go sleep in the guest room. She "doesn't want to pay the price for that..." (I sleep fine in there, it's her imagination that it would bother me).
I finally went upstairs just after 9 p.m.. Withdrawing myself before I was remotely angry. She came up briefly, then LOCKED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Locked it for me, so to speak....
Read for awhile, then realized I'd nodded off. Decided to go to bed by 10p. I could hear her on the phone with her sister. I don't know if I fell asleep some of not. But, I was mostly awake. Heard her stop talking with sis about 10:30.
Heard some knocking about. Sounded like M was getting herself worked up..... Door slamming. In and out....
Finally heard some banging and hitting, like a hammer more than a door being knocked. Actually, quite a bit of it.
That quit after while. Then, the phone rang -- just after 11:00 p
It was M calling from her car phone.... sigh.
Next story
She finally said, "I guess I have nothing to talk about". Shortly after, went off to do
some errands of hers....
Shortly after her return, she asked if I wanted to go down the the local pub for a beer or two. Bout 5ish. I wasn't crazy about it, as I wasn't sure if it was friendly, tolerable, or the first step toward a tortured evening. Well, it was the latter.
Went out. Had two tall beers. Came home. Then she opened a bottle of sparkling wine (why she didn't go for the cheap wine, I don't know). I shared some of it.... But, it wasn't long before the dangerous talk began.
The alcohol loosened her lips. She started to get into a couple of things, including finally, "the status / future of this relationship.". She also went again into her assertion that I get hostle , withdrawn, etc, after seeing my T.. Ref: monday past
I calmly told her that I was not going to have a conversation like that unless we both were stone cold sober. She said, "Maybe this is the only way and can face it...". I said, "I still insist that such a conversation has to take place when we are entirely sober."
After a short time, she began to try and negatively engage further. I had to be assertive, but not outright angry. I don't really recall what she tried to jabber about. I made remarks about not wanting to have this blow up into some angry confrontation again....
She then said, "Fine, go upstairs." I said, "How can I depend on not being confronted / disturbed?" "Lock the door". (doesn't realy work that way).
She remarked about how she's slept in her chair the last couple nights (no she falls asleep there and comes ups late). Etc, Etc. I offered to go sleep in the guest room. She "doesn't want to pay the price for that..." (I sleep fine in there, it's her imagination that it would bother me).
I finally went upstairs just after 9 p.m.. Withdrawing myself before I was remotely angry. She came up briefly, then LOCKED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Locked it for me, so to speak....
Read for awhile, then realized I'd nodded off. Decided to go to bed by 10p. I could hear her on the phone with her sister. I don't know if I fell asleep some of not. But, I was mostly awake. Heard her stop talking with sis about 10:30.
Heard some knocking about. Sounded like M was getting herself worked up..... Door slamming. In and out....
Finally heard some banging and hitting, like a hammer more than a door being knocked. Actually, quite a bit of it.
That quit after while. Then, the phone rang -- just after 11:00 p
It was M calling from her car phone.... sigh.
Next story
'bout time, I bet
Last night, after making a remark about how few hours I'd been home in the previous 48 hours.... and after making a snarky remark when I was tired / sleepy....
M says, "I'd like to plan on having a talk / conversation tomorrow...."
I said, "OK".
Now, it's the new day.... she's sick, as usual.... showing lots of stress signs.... We'll see what happens.
As it happens, I'm just about at the point at having made new living arrangements for one of us to move to. Just a question of whom. I pretty much intend to be first for now.
M says, "I'd like to plan on having a talk / conversation tomorrow...."
I said, "OK".
Now, it's the new day.... she's sick, as usual.... showing lots of stress signs.... We'll see what happens.
As it happens, I'm just about at the point at having made new living arrangements for one of us to move to. Just a question of whom. I pretty much intend to be first for now.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Thoughts from the Trauma Bond book
things I just read that strike me.
End of chapter 5, "Path of Awareness"
"No more will you [people like me] disbelieve the obvious and believe the improbable. In the futuere, your anger will make you intolerant of being explointed and used."
RE: negative partners trying to remain connected by anger:
"stuck anger could be a type of negative intimacy in a trauma bond. By blaming the other for the problems in her life, the blaming partner can prevent the actual acceptance of the loss of the relationship...... Helathy anger expresses limitations -- ie, what is acceptable and what is not. Blaming anger recycles the history of betrayal and all the intense feelings that are part of a trauma bond. It is a negative way to keep the old person around.
Speaking to my heart again, "To finally grieve means to accept that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, the way you deserved or the way it should have."
"Those who are trauma-bonded have to accept not only the reality of compusive relationships, but also the accumulated losses in their lieves...."
"You have a responsibility to do somthing about it now. You are responsible for your behavior. "
Finallyk, the Greek story of Orestes who did not blame family, life, or anything else for his cicumstance, but took responsility, found a healing.... and found that the things that had once caused him agony became the same things that brought him wisdom. [the Furies were transformed into the Eumendies, the three sourdcdes of wisdom.]
End of chapter 5, "Path of Awareness"
"No more will you [people like me] disbelieve the obvious and believe the improbable. In the futuere, your anger will make you intolerant of being explointed and used."
RE: negative partners trying to remain connected by anger:
"stuck anger could be a type of negative intimacy in a trauma bond. By blaming the other for the problems in her life, the blaming partner can prevent the actual acceptance of the loss of the relationship...... Helathy anger expresses limitations -- ie, what is acceptable and what is not. Blaming anger recycles the history of betrayal and all the intense feelings that are part of a trauma bond. It is a negative way to keep the old person around.
Speaking to my heart again, "To finally grieve means to accept that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, the way you deserved or the way it should have."
"Those who are trauma-bonded have to accept not only the reality of compusive relationships, but also the accumulated losses in their lieves...."
"You have a responsibility to do somthing about it now. You are responsible for your behavior. "
Finallyk, the Greek story of Orestes who did not blame family, life, or anything else for his cicumstance, but took responsility, found a healing.... and found that the things that had once caused him agony became the same things that brought him wisdom. [the Furies were transformed into the Eumendies, the three sourdcdes of wisdom.]
interesting observation from WTO
I was trying to say that it really didn't matter what
YOU did in your conversations with him.
During those conversations, a BPs subconscious
motivation is to disorient the NON so the NON cannot
abandon him.
My thought was that you take care because that pitfall
is there...so that you protect yourself.
YOU did in your conversations with him.
During those conversations, a BPs subconscious
motivation is to disorient the NON so the NON cannot
abandon him.
My thought was that you take care because that pitfall
is there...so that you protect yourself.
seeds that don't sprout
5. Why I have put hours and hours and hours into self-help, self-exploration, relationship therapy, personal therapy, and general self and relationship reflection for months and months but you NEVER want to or have time to engage in any constructive conversations
from her note. Well, I have to wonder why she's been doing all the above with virtually NO assistance from her T.
I also view most of her efforts as seeking some magic bullet to save this relationship. She's got a lot riding on it.... and she just can't face that she's pretty much worn out my good nature.
She thinks she's self aware, and yet, I see little self awareness on her part. She just doesn't see how troubled she is, which is very typical of a BPD person.
I know that my primary concern has to be for my own health and well being. Leave her and the rest to what will be.
from her note. Well, I have to wonder why she's been doing all the above with virtually NO assistance from her T.
I also view most of her efforts as seeking some magic bullet to save this relationship. She's got a lot riding on it.... and she just can't face that she's pretty much worn out my good nature.
She thinks she's self aware, and yet, I see little self awareness on her part. She just doesn't see how troubled she is, which is very typical of a BPD person.
I know that my primary concern has to be for my own health and well being. Leave her and the rest to what will be.
today's letter(s))
left for me this a.m. by the coffee pot.
Typed:
Is there ev er a time in your life that you would deem an appropriate time to have a civil conversation regarding:
1. Your volatility, inconsistency and anger toward ME (and according to you, I am the only one you treat like this in your life....What have I done to reap such a great honor?)
2. RULES I must live by and abide without error
3. The state of our "relationship" and what WE want the future to be
4. Why I am somtimes a convenience but mostly a huge BURDEN for you, not to mention a major pain in the ass 24/7
5. Why I have put hours and hours and hours into self-help, self-exploration, relationship therapy, personal therapy, and general self and relationship reflection for months and months but you NEVER want to or have time to engage in any constructive conversations
6. Why you are so secretive while I am expected to be an open book to you
Just for starters, I guess I just need to only speak when spoken to -- would that average about a couple of times per week (or quite probably less?)
Like all good, subservient, CHRISTIAN "wives", eh? I thought you had moved past that stage in your life.
There's more, but this is a good start -- at least for you to ponder insdie hyour head. On an odd day, you might even consider taking to N your T about some of these things.
Handwritten P.S.:
Deal with your own chronic pain for more than 18 months and then add CFS and fibromyalgia on top of it and see how much sweetness and light y ou can muster, let alonge take on the sloe task of "fixing" our "relationship". AND biting my tongue constantly so as not to invoke your ever present ire toward me. Try it!!
P.S. Talk to the Dr or not aobut your soring. It has become pervasive AND can be indicative of other more serious health issues. Just a thought --0 NOT TELLING YOU EVER WHAT TO DO. Just a friendly, concerned suggesion.
-----
I'm truly sorry you find me so objectionable and unpalatable. Sorry.
Typed:
Is there ev er a time in your life that you would deem an appropriate time to have a civil conversation regarding:
1. Your volatility, inconsistency and anger toward ME (and according to you, I am the only one you treat like this in your life....What have I done to reap such a great honor?)
2. RULES I must live by and abide without error
3. The state of our "relationship" and what WE want the future to be
4. Why I am somtimes a convenience but mostly a huge BURDEN for you, not to mention a major pain in the ass 24/7
5. Why I have put hours and hours and hours into self-help, self-exploration, relationship therapy, personal therapy, and general self and relationship reflection for months and months but you NEVER want to or have time to engage in any constructive conversations
6. Why you are so secretive while I am expected to be an open book to you
Just for starters, I guess I just need to only speak when spoken to -- would that average about a couple of times per week (or quite probably less?)
Like all good, subservient, CHRISTIAN "wives", eh? I thought you had moved past that stage in your life.
There's more, but this is a good start -- at least for you to ponder insdie hyour head. On an odd day, you might even consider taking to N your T about some of these things.
Handwritten P.S.:
Deal with your own chronic pain for more than 18 months and then add CFS and fibromyalgia on top of it and see how much sweetness and light y ou can muster, let alonge take on the sloe task of "fixing" our "relationship". AND biting my tongue constantly so as not to invoke your ever present ire toward me. Try it!!
P.S. Talk to the Dr or not aobut your soring. It has become pervasive AND can be indicative of other more serious health issues. Just a thought --0 NOT TELLING YOU EVER WHAT TO DO. Just a friendly, concerned suggesion.
-----
I'm truly sorry you find me so objectionable and unpalatable. Sorry.
and she wonders why I have to end this?
So, last night after the 10 to 11 p.m. conflict, I went to bed. Between valerian and a Lunesta, managed to get to sleep.
When M came to bed, it was maybe 1:30 2:00 a.m., or so.... and she deliberately woke me up, loudly demanding that I stop snoring.
Once she had me awake, she tried for about 5 minutes to start a fight. Nasty remarks. Sarcasm. On and on. I just kept the pillow over my head and ignored her. She eventually finally went quiet and to sleep.
She was awake this a.m. when I came up from breakfast. Sullen. Withdrawn. All the usual.
Noon time I called her to be friendly. She was pretty cold. Not quite hostile.
Guess it's her bed to make and lie in.
When M came to bed, it was maybe 1:30 2:00 a.m., or so.... and she deliberately woke me up, loudly demanding that I stop snoring.
Once she had me awake, she tried for about 5 minutes to start a fight. Nasty remarks. Sarcasm. On and on. I just kept the pillow over my head and ignored her. She eventually finally went quiet and to sleep.
She was awake this a.m. when I came up from breakfast. Sullen. Withdrawn. All the usual.
Noon time I called her to be friendly. She was pretty cold. Not quite hostile.
Guess it's her bed to make and lie in.
Last night, more good times
Where do I start. Well, I came home at an expected time in the evening, a bit earlier than she expected..... She was clearly not feeling well, and in a bad humor.... still....
But, for the most part she left me be until just after 10pm. Then, in violation of a clear boundary I have set (no serious matters of relationship conversation after 8 or 9 p) she starts in. I cannot remember all my sins enumerated.
She started, as I recall, weih a quiz as to whether I'd had an appt this week with my T. I said, yes. When? Monday. Well, that's interesting. What time? 1 or 2:00. That makes sense. (at this point I had a fair idea where this was headed....)
Then she started in about didn't I think / see the connection between my having that appt just before we tried to have supper together (a time that apparently ended up somewhat tortured). M figures I get withdrawn, yadayada, whenver I've been to see the T. I said, No, I simply didn't feel well and there's really no more to it than that...."
She started to press the point, and I said, "I'm not going to engage further in this conversation. You can continue if you choose, but I will not respond."
Well, she took that in. Paused, then started in on the sudoku conflict from the weekend. "Can you help me understand how it is on Saturday night you got royally pissed off, and on Sunday you were asking for my assistance with a Sudoku?? I just don't understand that at all..." I think I started to try and explain (in Mars/Venus terms) and she interrupted as is her wont -- I think. Anyway, it struck me badly and I erupted into an extremely angry state.
This was in part due to the subject, in part due to the boundary violation and in part due to the fact that even having this much of a conflict at this point, this late, was going to bother my sleep.
I erupted in fury. Stomped up the stairs. Back down again. Heard her make sarcastic "oh, here we go again" remarks (presuming I was going to up and leave the house).
She actually stayed mostly calm at this point. Which led me to point out that this angry state was what she was going for.....
Anyway, as I calmed, she did go on to express some of what was on her mind. "I'm going to relieve you of the burden of "fixing me" by leaving. Don't know when or where. Got to figure that out.... but I have to leave".
I just said, "Is this the part where I am supposed to ask you not to??"
Anyway, things flared up and down a little for a while longer, then I finally went to bed. Of course, when she came to bed, that was another story.
But, for the most part she left me be until just after 10pm. Then, in violation of a clear boundary I have set (no serious matters of relationship conversation after 8 or 9 p) she starts in. I cannot remember all my sins enumerated.
She started, as I recall, weih a quiz as to whether I'd had an appt this week with my T. I said, yes. When? Monday. Well, that's interesting. What time? 1 or 2:00. That makes sense. (at this point I had a fair idea where this was headed....)
Then she started in about didn't I think / see the connection between my having that appt just before we tried to have supper together (a time that apparently ended up somewhat tortured). M figures I get withdrawn, yadayada, whenver I've been to see the T. I said, No, I simply didn't feel well and there's really no more to it than that...."
She started to press the point, and I said, "I'm not going to engage further in this conversation. You can continue if you choose, but I will not respond."
Well, she took that in. Paused, then started in on the sudoku conflict from the weekend. "Can you help me understand how it is on Saturday night you got royally pissed off, and on Sunday you were asking for my assistance with a Sudoku?? I just don't understand that at all..." I think I started to try and explain (in Mars/Venus terms) and she interrupted as is her wont -- I think. Anyway, it struck me badly and I erupted into an extremely angry state.
This was in part due to the subject, in part due to the boundary violation and in part due to the fact that even having this much of a conflict at this point, this late, was going to bother my sleep.
I erupted in fury. Stomped up the stairs. Back down again. Heard her make sarcastic "oh, here we go again" remarks (presuming I was going to up and leave the house).
She actually stayed mostly calm at this point. Which led me to point out that this angry state was what she was going for.....
Anyway, as I calmed, she did go on to express some of what was on her mind. "I'm going to relieve you of the burden of "fixing me" by leaving. Don't know when or where. Got to figure that out.... but I have to leave".
I just said, "Is this the part where I am supposed to ask you not to??"
Anyway, things flared up and down a little for a while longer, then I finally went to bed. Of course, when she came to bed, that was another story.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Getting to be time
I'm feeling more and more like it's getting to be time to move on and let go. Get a place, at least for awhile. Deal with the aftermath. Deal with a new future.
Today, I've spent way too much energy in concerns about her and her reactions and her troubled spirit. Time taken away from doing my job effectively....
I had a doctor appointment today. She did too, at just about the same time. When asked, she had them put her in the same room as me.... Unfortunately, that meant I couldn't fully share some of what I would like to have with my Dr. Oh well. Another time.
I do wonder what kind of stream of consciousness about our home situation she may have laid on him. S/B interesting to see what I hear.
And, at the moment, I've been studiously avoiding calling her. Have an important meeting in a few minutes, and don't want my head fucked up.
I suppose I'll be accused of "not caring enough to see how her OMT appointment went".... Interesting how she switched the purposes of the appt. The purpose was supposed to be acupuncture to help her with her emotional instability..... She decided though that she needed her neck and shoulders worked on via OMT instead....
Curious....
Today, I've spent way too much energy in concerns about her and her reactions and her troubled spirit. Time taken away from doing my job effectively....
I had a doctor appointment today. She did too, at just about the same time. When asked, she had them put her in the same room as me.... Unfortunately, that meant I couldn't fully share some of what I would like to have with my Dr. Oh well. Another time.
I do wonder what kind of stream of consciousness about our home situation she may have laid on him. S/B interesting to see what I hear.
And, at the moment, I've been studiously avoiding calling her. Have an important meeting in a few minutes, and don't want my head fucked up.
I suppose I'll be accused of "not caring enough to see how her OMT appointment went".... Interesting how she switched the purposes of the appt. The purpose was supposed to be acupuncture to help her with her emotional instability..... She decided though that she needed her neck and shoulders worked on via OMT instead....
Curious....
Today's notes
From M, left this a.m., were:
"I apologize for last night. Guess the constan pain gets to me sometimes. Sorry. Lack of sleep dowsn't help much,either"
and,
"I sent you an email Wed afernoon. You can open it, but please don't respond to it."
The latter was a beautiful "instasong" she purchsed and sent me. I didn't happen to get it or open it at least until this a.m. after getting the note. Loving gesture. Tender feelings. Brought tears to my eyes.
BUT, I still have to keep my own well-being in mind. I'll have regrets, but I have to do what's right and best for me.
"I apologize for last night. Guess the constan pain gets to me sometimes. Sorry. Lack of sleep dowsn't help much,either"
and,
"I sent you an email Wed afernoon. You can open it, but please don't respond to it."
The latter was a beautiful "instasong" she purchsed and sent me. I didn't happen to get it or open it at least until this a.m. after getting the note. Loving gesture. Tender feelings. Brought tears to my eyes.
BUT, I still have to keep my own well-being in mind. I'll have regrets, but I have to do what's right and best for me.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Childhood trauma
While I was writing the previous message, it also occurred to me that I do have one event from childhood that I would consider significantly traumatic.
When I was 10 years old, my very best friend Jimmy was buried alive in a gravel pit. He and another friend were playing. "Dug a cave", and it collapsed. Rescuers assumed he'd been swept down the hillside with the gravel, and didn't find him until they dug out where the cave had been.
Still brings a little tear to my eye to recall. I remember being at a dinner after the funeral and suddently, bitterly breaking down crying....
His mother, Lois, was so sweet. As a legacy, she gave me an army helmet that had belonged to her late husband, passed on to my friend.... That helmet is my remembrance....
Now, I don't think this trauma cast me into a role or a tendency (toward codependency in particular). It's just simply the one childhood trauma I clearly recall.
I really don't think there were others of note....
When I was 10 years old, my very best friend Jimmy was buried alive in a gravel pit. He and another friend were playing. "Dug a cave", and it collapsed. Rescuers assumed he'd been swept down the hillside with the gravel, and didn't find him until they dug out where the cave had been.
Still brings a little tear to my eye to recall. I remember being at a dinner after the funeral and suddently, bitterly breaking down crying....
His mother, Lois, was so sweet. As a legacy, she gave me an army helmet that had belonged to her late husband, passed on to my friend.... That helmet is my remembrance....
Now, I don't think this trauma cast me into a role or a tendency (toward codependency in particular). It's just simply the one childhood trauma I clearly recall.
I really don't think there were others of note....
My traumatic event
I have been reading about Trauma Bonding. Lots of learning. But, as I've done so, so much of what I read has tended to strike me as applying more to M than to me. After all, I don't have a history of abuse or trauma.... Or, do I?
While I was just reading in the book and thinking about it, idly, it suddenly occurred to me that at least one particular event was traumatic -- life-altering, in fact.
You see, when I was a naiive 19 y.o., barely understanding sex.... my girlfriend became pregnant. (that relationship was really my first experience with significant manipulation from a partner...)
Anyway, at the time, I was a highly regarded singer, college sophomore to be, good grades. Good kid. Expected to end up either teaching or performing (serious) music.....
That she became pregnant, it now occurs to me, was the MAJOR TRAUMA of my adult life. Everything changed. Suddenly, I needed to become a provider, not a student. Morally, had to do the right thing, even though I wasn't all that attracted to this girl.... had to gut it through a rather uninspired marriage....
Yup. This is a realization. An unplanned pregnancy, "shotgun wedding", and all that.... I think it was traumatic, and I'm just now realizing it. Very well may be what cast me into the roles I've played ever since.
While I was just reading in the book and thinking about it, idly, it suddenly occurred to me that at least one particular event was traumatic -- life-altering, in fact.
You see, when I was a naiive 19 y.o., barely understanding sex.... my girlfriend became pregnant. (that relationship was really my first experience with significant manipulation from a partner...)
Anyway, at the time, I was a highly regarded singer, college sophomore to be, good grades. Good kid. Expected to end up either teaching or performing (serious) music.....
That she became pregnant, it now occurs to me, was the MAJOR TRAUMA of my adult life. Everything changed. Suddenly, I needed to become a provider, not a student. Morally, had to do the right thing, even though I wasn't all that attracted to this girl.... had to gut it through a rather uninspired marriage....
Yup. This is a realization. An unplanned pregnancy, "shotgun wedding", and all that.... I think it was traumatic, and I'm just now realizing it. Very well may be what cast me into the roles I've played ever since.
She's off balance??!!
From M, "I feel like I'm off balance all the time. I can't seem to do anything right..."
Talk about projection!! Wow.
This came in response to my attempt, as she was sitting sullenly nearby, to "show some appreciation". I had done a Sudoku in the best time ever for me.... She had helped me learn some stragegy....
So, I said, "Gosh, the strategies you showed be sure have helped. I solved a Sudoku tonight sooner than ever before."
M, though, being in a negative state had to recall the other evening when I first fired up a Websudoku with her sitting beside me.... I didn't happen to think about it...
But, unsolicited and unasked, she began to assist. Which at the time upset me. A man tends to want to ask for assistance, only asks if unavoidable.... and can be a little touchy about it if he's doing something he finds difficult or a challenge..... This is something she should understand, because SHE'S the one that started us both into the Mars / Venus books -- where some of those differences and reactions are identified and highlighted.....
Anyway, to my attempt to "show appreciation", she replied, "I still don't understand why you got angry with me one night over sudoku, and then asked for help later...(next time or whatever)"
Boy, does she not get it.... And SHE'S the one who insists that SHE researches to understand things.....
Talk about projection!! Wow.
This came in response to my attempt, as she was sitting sullenly nearby, to "show some appreciation". I had done a Sudoku in the best time ever for me.... She had helped me learn some stragegy....
So, I said, "Gosh, the strategies you showed be sure have helped. I solved a Sudoku tonight sooner than ever before."
M, though, being in a negative state had to recall the other evening when I first fired up a Websudoku with her sitting beside me.... I didn't happen to think about it...
But, unsolicited and unasked, she began to assist. Which at the time upset me. A man tends to want to ask for assistance, only asks if unavoidable.... and can be a little touchy about it if he's doing something he finds difficult or a challenge..... This is something she should understand, because SHE'S the one that started us both into the Mars / Venus books -- where some of those differences and reactions are identified and highlighted.....
Anyway, to my attempt to "show appreciation", she replied, "I still don't understand why you got angry with me one night over sudoku, and then asked for help later...(next time or whatever)"
Boy, does she not get it.... And SHE'S the one who insists that SHE researches to understand things.....
I guess she's trying to cope
Well, as I type this, she, instead of reacting or starting a fight or anything, she rather quietly withdrew herself -- without comment. Just went upstairs. I supposed it was to put her night clothes on.....
But, she's climbed on to the treadmill. At 7:30+ p.m. @ night.... I don't know whether the exercise will help her settle down and sleep or not....
But, I'm supposing that she's trying to tamp down her suddenly negative feelings and NOT fight or feel badly with me.....
Which, is better than most times....
But, what a strange, strange evening this has become....
Meanwhile, I'd been trying to keep the prospect of moving out of my mind.... but, it's front and center now!! Just didn't seem like a thought to entertain on Valentine's day. But, this has been too, too strange to keep it altogether out of my mind.
Especially with her comments tonight that she's pretty certain we only have a short time left together....
Of course, she is pretty intuitive. Not so much as she thinks, but more than I sometimes give her credit for her. So, maybe she's just intuiting some of my thoughts and planning that has begun to occur for real....
Time will tell. But, truly, inside I know there is not much prospect left here....
But, she's climbed on to the treadmill. At 7:30+ p.m. @ night.... I don't know whether the exercise will help her settle down and sleep or not....
But, I'm supposing that she's trying to tamp down her suddenly negative feelings and NOT fight or feel badly with me.....
Which, is better than most times....
But, what a strange, strange evening this has become....
Meanwhile, I'd been trying to keep the prospect of moving out of my mind.... but, it's front and center now!! Just didn't seem like a thought to entertain on Valentine's day. But, this has been too, too strange to keep it altogether out of my mind.
Especially with her comments tonight that she's pretty certain we only have a short time left together....
Of course, she is pretty intuitive. Not so much as she thinks, but more than I sometimes give her credit for her. So, maybe she's just intuiting some of my thoughts and planning that has begun to occur for real....
Time will tell. But, truly, inside I know there is not much prospect left here....
V day went pfffffttttt
The astrology reading gift cert... BIG bust. Apparently reminded her that our signs are terribly incompatible.....
I didn't press, but I could tell she was troubled. I tried to keep making peace, and it's stayed peaceful.... so far....
Anyway, she did go ahead and volunteer a bit about WHY she was troubled by the offer of an astrological reading:
1) Says she can do that herself.... AND, she already knows what she'd be told.... and that she doesn't need to be told, again, that which she already knows.
2) that with me being a "double Libra" and she a Scorpio, any astrologer would say we are incompatible and do not belong together.... (apparently, often said about those signs that border one another).
3) that her other sign (I don't recall what she said that was, if it's her sun sign, moon rising or what.... but, anyway, her other sign gives HER the ability to "step back and see things as they are -- left brain activates -- and she can look objectively.... (hey, it's HER assertion about HERSELF.... doesn't have to be rooted in any reality....)
4) that she can see the handwriting on the wall (at this point, really showing the sudden depressed reaction) -- a comment I thought was too, too tragic for V day.
After a short additional while, as I talked about how I'd tried really hard to give some consideration to the gifts and showing love.... she half mumbled about how we really needed to just stop pretending.... and face the truth of our situation / relationship....
Didn't really elaborate. Just clearly swung to a low low place because of her (possible) disappointment in the V day gifts, and especially because of the reminder the astrology reading idea gave her of our "astrological incompatibility"....
sigh....
I didn't press, but I could tell she was troubled. I tried to keep making peace, and it's stayed peaceful.... so far....
Anyway, she did go ahead and volunteer a bit about WHY she was troubled by the offer of an astrological reading:
1) Says she can do that herself.... AND, she already knows what she'd be told.... and that she doesn't need to be told, again, that which she already knows.
2) that with me being a "double Libra" and she a Scorpio, any astrologer would say we are incompatible and do not belong together.... (apparently, often said about those signs that border one another).
3) that her other sign (I don't recall what she said that was, if it's her sun sign, moon rising or what.... but, anyway, her other sign gives HER the ability to "step back and see things as they are -- left brain activates -- and she can look objectively.... (hey, it's HER assertion about HERSELF.... doesn't have to be rooted in any reality....)
4) that she can see the handwriting on the wall (at this point, really showing the sudden depressed reaction) -- a comment I thought was too, too tragic for V day.
After a short additional while, as I talked about how I'd tried really hard to give some consideration to the gifts and showing love.... she half mumbled about how we really needed to just stop pretending.... and face the truth of our situation / relationship....
Didn't really elaborate. Just clearly swung to a low low place because of her (possible) disappointment in the V day gifts, and especially because of the reminder the astrology reading idea gave her of our "astrological incompatibility"....
sigh....
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Intense relationship isn't necessarily the intimate relationship you think you're getting
I don't know where I saw the recommendation for the book The Betrayal Bond, but BOY, am I getting a lot of it. Much of it has helped me understand my partner's issues and motivations and reactions. I still don't think I can continue in the long-term, as she hasn't been getting her issues handled.... but this book is really helping me understand. She had a lot of childhood abuse: physical, to an extent, emotional to a much larger extent, and sexual. So, she's got lots of trauma and trauma bonding stuff going on.
For me, it's been a realization that, while I don't have the dysfunctional family history, that living in a long-term dysfunctional relationship (to a certain extent my first marriage, much more so this current relationship) one can experience enough low-level trauma to create a fair bit of trauma / betrayal bonding... Whodathunk??!!
Anyway, wanted to share a bit from my reading today. The chapter is "What makes trauma bonds stronger?" the section is "When High Intensity is Mistaken for Intimacy."
This particular paragraph got me thinking [any extra notation I have is in brackets]:
"Intimacy, in contrast [to high intensity], starts with mutuality and respect. There is neither exploitatin by abuse of power [or of victimhood], nor betrayal of trust. Passion flows from vulnerability and care--and is a afunctino of the soul. Intimacy relies on safety and patience. Healthy intimacy usually has no secrets. Intensiy requires secrecy and develops from it. Intimacy pushes partners to grow. Intensity serves as a distraction from oneself and lmites the possiblity of growth. Conflicts tha tarise in intimacy result in negotiations and a clear understanding about fair fighting. Absent are the fear and anxiety of intensity. Constancy and vulnerablity crate more of the epic than the epiosodic."
Thinking back to when my partner and I first moved from friendship to intimacy, which was by way of a workplace affair.... I realize that a great deal of what I thought was deep love at that time really is better described as an intense relationship, rather than an intimate one.
It strikes me that BPD folk are very good at starting a relationship that SEEMS intimate, but is actually intense and that we inadvertently get suckered right on in.....
Very interesting bit of learning for me..... /pop
For me, it's been a realization that, while I don't have the dysfunctional family history, that living in a long-term dysfunctional relationship (to a certain extent my first marriage, much more so this current relationship) one can experience enough low-level trauma to create a fair bit of trauma / betrayal bonding... Whodathunk??!!
Anyway, wanted to share a bit from my reading today. The chapter is "What makes trauma bonds stronger?" the section is "When High Intensity is Mistaken for Intimacy."
This particular paragraph got me thinking [any extra notation I have is in brackets]:
"Intimacy, in contrast [to high intensity], starts with mutuality and respect. There is neither exploitatin by abuse of power [or of victimhood], nor betrayal of trust. Passion flows from vulnerability and care--and is a afunctino of the soul. Intimacy relies on safety and patience. Healthy intimacy usually has no secrets. Intensiy requires secrecy and develops from it. Intimacy pushes partners to grow. Intensity serves as a distraction from oneself and lmites the possiblity of growth. Conflicts tha tarise in intimacy result in negotiations and a clear understanding about fair fighting. Absent are the fear and anxiety of intensity. Constancy and vulnerablity crate more of the epic than the epiosodic."
Thinking back to when my partner and I first moved from friendship to intimacy, which was by way of a workplace affair.... I realize that a great deal of what I thought was deep love at that time really is better described as an intense relationship, rather than an intimate one.
It strikes me that BPD folk are very good at starting a relationship that SEEMS intimate, but is actually intense and that we inadvertently get suckered right on in.....
Very interesting bit of learning for me..... /pop
V-day cognitive dissonance
Well, V-day is tomorrow. I've done the right things. Bought the flowers. Some jewelry. Another meaningful gift.... Invited her to dinner (she plans to make some). She's gone out and picked up a gift today.... etc. All the right things...
Meanwhile, I've also set an appointment with my potential landlady.... Contemplating a move to another living place, at least for some period.... while at the same time trying to be loving and display lovingkindness.....
I just have to remember that I must love me first (not in a narcissic way, but in a healthy way...) I have to act for my own health and well-being before that of another.....
But, still, it is a cognitive dissonance to both celebrate V day and make plans toward moving out.....
Meanwhile, I've also set an appointment with my potential landlady.... Contemplating a move to another living place, at least for some period.... while at the same time trying to be loving and display lovingkindness.....
I just have to remember that I must love me first (not in a narcissic way, but in a healthy way...) I have to act for my own health and well-being before that of another.....
But, still, it is a cognitive dissonance to both celebrate V day and make plans toward moving out.....
Home again, home again
Over the day, friendlier phone calls occurred -- weather-related, as we're having a snow event in the area.... but friendly, nonetheless.
When I got home, M was far more civil and engaged. Evening has gone perfectly well, in large part because she's even tireder than I am and has already gone asleep at 9:15 p.
Anyway, loving and decently behaved..... But, she still doesn't understand the continuing difficulties of a partner trying to cope with the sudden and extreme shifts in temperament...
When I got home, M was far more civil and engaged. Evening has gone perfectly well, in large part because she's even tireder than I am and has already gone asleep at 9:15 p.
Anyway, loving and decently behaved..... But, she still doesn't understand the continuing difficulties of a partner trying to cope with the sudden and extreme shifts in temperament...
Lousy way to start a day
Shortly after I got up this a.m., M began to engage me -- negatively. Near as I could tell it was a combination of her not sleeping much, pain, misery, and her generally being irked at some things that had come up during supper last night. Namely my busy schedule for the week and her invitation / noninvitation to a political social event on Friday coming up.
She particularly focused on my making a statement about "rejection"..... as in, "how dare I imply that I could be rejected after all the rejection she experiences.... with me." It took a bit of engagement for me to figure out what she was talking about.
It was regarding the Friday night gig. I told her there was a seat / ticket for her if she would like to go (I did this despite her previously expressed hostility and disdain for attending such a boring event.) I told her that the seat was available but didn't want her to feel obligated or like she had to go (to something she'd be uncomfortable at.)
Well, she said some yadayadayada..... followed by "I guess if you want me to go, you'll just have to ask me to go...." (mind you, I thought I already HAD invited her.)
Well, my statement back to her was sommething like, "M, the way you're putting that sets up a rejection" (meaning for HER to feel, not me....) Her phraseology was such that if I DID NOT ask her, I was rejecting her.... which was unfair to me, since I'd already invited her to go.
Anyway, I managed NOT to get angry or engage negatively with her any more than necessary. Finally, after I had some breakfast, I went back and clearly told her, "I'd like you to go, I've enjoyed having you at this event...."
Seemed to paper it over enough....
Well, the V-day flowers that arrived later in the morning probably helped, too.
She particularly focused on my making a statement about "rejection"..... as in, "how dare I imply that I could be rejected after all the rejection she experiences.... with me." It took a bit of engagement for me to figure out what she was talking about.
It was regarding the Friday night gig. I told her there was a seat / ticket for her if she would like to go (I did this despite her previously expressed hostility and disdain for attending such a boring event.) I told her that the seat was available but didn't want her to feel obligated or like she had to go (to something she'd be uncomfortable at.)
Well, she said some yadayadayada..... followed by "I guess if you want me to go, you'll just have to ask me to go...." (mind you, I thought I already HAD invited her.)
Well, my statement back to her was sommething like, "M, the way you're putting that sets up a rejection" (meaning for HER to feel, not me....) Her phraseology was such that if I DID NOT ask her, I was rejecting her.... which was unfair to me, since I'd already invited her to go.
Anyway, I managed NOT to get angry or engage negatively with her any more than necessary. Finally, after I had some breakfast, I went back and clearly told her, "I'd like you to go, I've enjoyed having you at this event...."
Seemed to paper it over enough....
Well, the V-day flowers that arrived later in the morning probably helped, too.
Lousy way to start a day
Shortly after I got up this a.m., M began to engage me -- negatively. Near as I could tell it was a combination of her not sleeping much, pain, misery, and her generally being irked at some things that had come up during supper last night. Namely my busy schedule for the week and her invitation / noninvitation to a political social event on Friday coming up.
She particularly focused on my making a statement about "rejection"..... as in, "how dare I imply that I could be rejected after all the rejection she experiences.... with me." It took a bit of engagement for me to figure out what she was talking about.
It was regarding the Friday night gig. I told her there was a seat / ticket for her if she would like to go (I did this despite her previously expressed hostility and disdain for attending such a boring event.) I told her that the seat was available but didn't want her to feel obligated or like she had to go (to something she'd be uncomfortable at.)
Well, she said some yadayadayada..... followed by "I guess if you want me to go, you'll just have to ask me to go...." (mind you, I thought I already HAD invited her.)
Well, my statement back to her was sommething like, "M, the way you're putting that sets up a rejection" (meaning for HER to feel, not me....) Her phraseology was such that if I DID NOT ask her, I was rejecting her.... which was unfair to me, since I'd already invited her to go.
Anyway, I managed NOT to get angry or engage negatively with her any more than necessary. Finally, after I had some breakfast, I went back and clearly told her, "I'd like you to go, I've enjoyed having you at this event...."
Seemed to paper it over enough....
Well, the V-day flowers that arrived later in the morning probably helped, too.
She particularly focused on my making a statement about "rejection"..... as in, "how dare I imply that I could be rejected after all the rejection she experiences.... with me." It took a bit of engagement for me to figure out what she was talking about.
It was regarding the Friday night gig. I told her there was a seat / ticket for her if she would like to go (I did this despite her previously expressed hostility and disdain for attending such a boring event.) I told her that the seat was available but didn't want her to feel obligated or like she had to go (to something she'd be uncomfortable at.)
Well, she said some yadayadayada..... followed by "I guess if you want me to go, you'll just have to ask me to go...." (mind you, I thought I already HAD invited her.)
Well, my statement back to her was sommething like, "M, the way you're putting that sets up a rejection" (meaning for HER to feel, not me....) Her phraseology was such that if I DID NOT ask her, I was rejecting her.... which was unfair to me, since I'd already invited her to go.
Anyway, I managed NOT to get angry or engage negatively with her any more than necessary. Finally, after I had some breakfast, I went back and clearly told her, "I'd like you to go, I've enjoyed having you at this event...."
Seemed to paper it over enough....
Well, the V-day flowers that arrived later in the morning probably helped, too.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Finding trouble
It slays me how she can find trouble when there's none to be found. M had a PT appt @ 3:30 today..... with a "plan" for us to meet after for a drink and a bite.... Normal, friendly stuff. I thought we had an entirely cordial time of it. Although, I felt a little lousy. Might be a relapse of the virus. Who knows.
Anyway, I wasn't hungry and didn't order anything to eat. Just hung with her. Thought it was OK. But, as we kissed goodbye for her to head home and me to head to my Monday evening activity, she remarked something about how "you still have time to go to the XXXXX" I said, "Not really planning on that". "Well, isn't that what you usually do on Monday nights before rehearsal?" "I don't know. I've gotten so I sort of knock around a little. Sometimes just a quick burger on the way. No particular plans...." Thought that was it. But, I DID take it as an unsettling warning sign.
But, not 5 minutes later, phone rings. It's M. "You know, you're really strange...." Then she went on to say she felt like she was imposing to get together with me. Bothering me. Interrupting my usual routine..... etc.... I corrected her on all counts, and told her sincerely that I had WANTED to get together, and that I had none of the feelings she was afraid of / accusing me of having, or whatever..... She also was grumbly about having to "ask about" any calls I'd had from MY son (whom she has issues with) and HER younger son (she heard the call I had with him last night, so I couldn't fathom the "offense".....
SOOOOO, NOW, I'm on my way to rehearsal, feeling trepidatious about what awaits at home. What bad humor she may be in by the time I am home. Etc. Not a pleasant picture. She SHOULD have called her sis or something to express the thoughts she did. I didn't do anything that warrants her negative feelings or displeasure.... But, there it is.
This comes after a relatively pleasant, quiet non-controversial weekend....
It also comes after I've begun serious correspondence with a possible landlady about sharing a house.... SOON.
We will see what transpires in the not too distant future.
Anyway, I wasn't hungry and didn't order anything to eat. Just hung with her. Thought it was OK. But, as we kissed goodbye for her to head home and me to head to my Monday evening activity, she remarked something about how "you still have time to go to the XXXXX" I said, "Not really planning on that". "Well, isn't that what you usually do on Monday nights before rehearsal?" "I don't know. I've gotten so I sort of knock around a little. Sometimes just a quick burger on the way. No particular plans...." Thought that was it. But, I DID take it as an unsettling warning sign.
But, not 5 minutes later, phone rings. It's M. "You know, you're really strange...." Then she went on to say she felt like she was imposing to get together with me. Bothering me. Interrupting my usual routine..... etc.... I corrected her on all counts, and told her sincerely that I had WANTED to get together, and that I had none of the feelings she was afraid of / accusing me of having, or whatever..... She also was grumbly about having to "ask about" any calls I'd had from MY son (whom she has issues with) and HER younger son (she heard the call I had with him last night, so I couldn't fathom the "offense".....
SOOOOO, NOW, I'm on my way to rehearsal, feeling trepidatious about what awaits at home. What bad humor she may be in by the time I am home. Etc. Not a pleasant picture. She SHOULD have called her sis or something to express the thoughts she did. I didn't do anything that warrants her negative feelings or displeasure.... But, there it is.
This comes after a relatively pleasant, quiet non-controversial weekend....
It also comes after I've begun serious correspondence with a possible landlady about sharing a house.... SOON.
We will see what transpires in the not too distant future.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
maybe a place to live
Well, this is an interesting twist in life. Just as I am nearing a point at which I think I could absent myself from primacy in this relationship / household, a reasonable alternative is in the wind. Been exchanging email with a lady, 15 years my junior, who works as a massage therapist out of town most of the time and wants to make a reasonable rent / roommate arrangement with someone.... She's only "at home" 4 or 5 days per month....
Plus, I get along well with most women.... and I especially respond well to the energy of many body workers.....
M would too, given a chance.... and I can visualize this as a potential "retreat" arrangement for either of us..... Guess we'll see where life guides me.
Plus, I get along well with most women.... and I especially respond well to the energy of many body workers.....
M would too, given a chance.... and I can visualize this as a potential "retreat" arrangement for either of us..... Guess we'll see where life guides me.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
slept 11 hours
Well, I dozed off early last night during a show that came on at 9:30 p. Went to sleep for real before 10 p. Woke up this a.m. at just about 8:30 a. To which M says, "Do you realize you slept 11 hours?" (I thought, so what does that mean?? Is this another reference to her opinion that I work too much, my job is too stressful, what?? (actually, it was a light week).) I just said, "Well, I guess I was tired." and left it at that.
I never know what to make of such "observations". Not sure if they're a complaint, or a criticism, or a simple observation..... though, I never think the latter is the case with BPD people.
Plain fact is, sleep this week for both of us has been better, but NOT as restful as I need. She still tosses and turns. Her close body and the cat's make me too warm at times. I cannot flop around freely..... So, I don't get as restful sleep as I'd like or should..... Plus, I think I was / am fighting off another round or another virus..... So, I just needed the rest. Give me a break, M.
I never know what to make of such "observations". Not sure if they're a complaint, or a criticism, or a simple observation..... though, I never think the latter is the case with BPD people.
Plain fact is, sleep this week for both of us has been better, but NOT as restful as I need. She still tosses and turns. Her close body and the cat's make me too warm at times. I cannot flop around freely..... So, I don't get as restful sleep as I'd like or should..... Plus, I think I was / am fighting off another round or another virus..... So, I just needed the rest. Give me a break, M.
Friday, February 9, 2007
SSDI answer wrong
M thinks she's stuck not being able to "cash out" her portion of the house equity, due to her SSDI payments. Someone ("a trusted source" says she) told her if she sold the house or otherwise cashed out (like if I buy out her equity) htat her Social Security would cease until she exhausted those proceeds.
Well, that didn't sound right to me by a long shot. So, I personally called the attorneys we used 10 years ago, and to whom I make referrals and found out she was told wrong.
Per this legal expert, for the type of Social Security M is on, regular disability -- basically, early collection of your accrued SS -- passive, unearned income would have NO effect.
The attorney's best guess as to why M was told wrong was that whomever she consulted thought she was drawing SSI which is more akin to welfare and which has severe limitations on assets and suchy. IE: cannot have more than $2000 in the bank, etc.
BUT, that's NOT what she's on, so she is NOT stuck as she thinks....
Well, that didn't sound right to me by a long shot. So, I personally called the attorneys we used 10 years ago, and to whom I make referrals and found out she was told wrong.
Per this legal expert, for the type of Social Security M is on, regular disability -- basically, early collection of your accrued SS -- passive, unearned income would have NO effect.
The attorney's best guess as to why M was told wrong was that whomever she consulted thought she was drawing SSI which is more akin to welfare and which has severe limitations on assets and suchy. IE: cannot have more than $2000 in the bank, etc.
BUT, that's NOT what she's on, so she is NOT stuck as she thinks....
My intuitive counselor
Had an appointment today with my intuitive counselor. I am open to this, but not well-sold. Actually, I'm pretty skeptical about all things metaphysical. OTOH, I tend to lean toward a collective universe jungian model (I think).... multiple, similtaneous realties, etc. I tend to be an interesting study for almost anyone.....
Anyway, the session was interesting but not dramatic. Still sensing that I am casting about for a best / right answer / timing. Wondered if fear-based, guilt-based, or shame-based. I don't think so. Mostly pragamatic and humanistic.
She mentioned the video, "The Secret" early on -- elaborates on "The Law of Attraction".... that is, that we attract what we will from the universe, be that positive or negative. That we can cognitively affect what we receive from the universe -- intention attracts manifestation.
She went on to say that M is putting out victimization energy and attracting victimization.
Says I need to make my choice, and that I need to realize that M = CHAOS. She posed the question, "Is she enough for you??".
Went on then to suggest a consult / reading from an local astrologer (again, something I'm accepting of, but with skepticism....) who is very able to ascertain patterns in this life and in past lives -- even to the extent of being able to help someone see what it is they are here to learn..... I made a mental note, and followed up within a day or so, that M has long been looking for a good reader along this line. Made contact, and bought a gift cert for a reading to give M on V day.
My intuitive counselor went on to say that the universe wants us to seek and find the joy in every hardship. To have an attitude of gratitude, and forgiveness as well. Suggested keeping a graditude journal and meditating a bit on that which I am grateful for on a daily basis.
Also talked about a "vision board" -- a visualization / futuring tool to use....
She said, I think, that these concepts help to align yourself on a vibrational level...
"See it, feel it, live it"
Says I am on the right path, but with (lots of) distractions (referring mainly to M and my codependent reactions to her, I think).
Thought that I might be "almost afraid to step out of the situation; preferring to have "someone rather than no one". I actually corrected her on that, as I strongly disagree. I have to be certain I've done all I can / should, in my own conscience..... but, it's not fear of being alone. I actually look forward to the prospect of more solitude and directing of my own time and activities, without judgement or grudgement.
Drew two angel cards: SURRENDER and RELEASE ( or at least, I thought that those were the two cards.... turns out that this refers to one, and I don't really recall the other, I guess.) Fundamental meaning of this card is: "LET GO, AND ALLOW GOD AND THE ANGELS TO HELP YOU. EVERYTHING THAT YOU RELEASE WILL EITHER BE REPLACED BY SOMETHING BETTER OR WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU HEALED."
The other card may have been MIRACLES, but I'm uncertain now.
High point was her gift and high recommendation of a video, "The Secret". She thought M might benefit greatly as well..... although, it may be difficult to figure out how to introduce the video....
She also made a referral to an astrologer that she said was extremely gifted, and tends to be able to do both present and past life stuff. Again, I tend to be open, but skeptical to the astrological.... I contacted the astrologer today, though, because M has been looking for this kind of guidance. I've purchased a reading as a valentine's gift. I'll do one of my own, later.
Anyway, the session was interesting but not dramatic. Still sensing that I am casting about for a best / right answer / timing. Wondered if fear-based, guilt-based, or shame-based. I don't think so. Mostly pragamatic and humanistic.
She mentioned the video, "The Secret" early on -- elaborates on "The Law of Attraction".... that is, that we attract what we will from the universe, be that positive or negative. That we can cognitively affect what we receive from the universe -- intention attracts manifestation.
She went on to say that M is putting out victimization energy and attracting victimization.
Says I need to make my choice, and that I need to realize that M = CHAOS. She posed the question, "Is she enough for you??".
Went on then to suggest a consult / reading from an local astrologer (again, something I'm accepting of, but with skepticism....) who is very able to ascertain patterns in this life and in past lives -- even to the extent of being able to help someone see what it is they are here to learn..... I made a mental note, and followed up within a day or so, that M has long been looking for a good reader along this line. Made contact, and bought a gift cert for a reading to give M on V day.
My intuitive counselor went on to say that the universe wants us to seek and find the joy in every hardship. To have an attitude of gratitude, and forgiveness as well. Suggested keeping a graditude journal and meditating a bit on that which I am grateful for on a daily basis.
Also talked about a "vision board" -- a visualization / futuring tool to use....
She said, I think, that these concepts help to align yourself on a vibrational level...
"See it, feel it, live it"
Says I am on the right path, but with (lots of) distractions (referring mainly to M and my codependent reactions to her, I think).
Thought that I might be "almost afraid to step out of the situation; preferring to have "someone rather than no one". I actually corrected her on that, as I strongly disagree. I have to be certain I've done all I can / should, in my own conscience..... but, it's not fear of being alone. I actually look forward to the prospect of more solitude and directing of my own time and activities, without judgement or grudgement.
Drew two angel cards: SURRENDER and RELEASE ( or at least, I thought that those were the two cards.... turns out that this refers to one, and I don't really recall the other, I guess.) Fundamental meaning of this card is: "LET GO, AND ALLOW GOD AND THE ANGELS TO HELP YOU. EVERYTHING THAT YOU RELEASE WILL EITHER BE REPLACED BY SOMETHING BETTER OR WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU HEALED."
The other card may have been MIRACLES, but I'm uncertain now.
High point was her gift and high recommendation of a video, "The Secret". She thought M might benefit greatly as well..... although, it may be difficult to figure out how to introduce the video....
She also made a referral to an astrologer that she said was extremely gifted, and tends to be able to do both present and past life stuff. Again, I tend to be open, but skeptical to the astrological.... I contacted the astrologer today, though, because M has been looking for this kind of guidance. I've purchased a reading as a valentine's gift. I'll do one of my own, later.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Better last couple days
in a typical change in the mood cycle. M has been better / more amenable and more agreeable the last couple days....
I, OTOH, have continued to look at my book about Trauma Bonds and checking the first scale instrument, was not surprised to find myself low in all but one area: Trauma bonding..... I don't have traumas from my childhood I'm repeating, or deep traumatic, dramatic events like a war or a car accident.... No, it's pretty much the trauma bonding that's occurred as my first marriage prepared me, and this relationship with a full-blown BPD person introduced a regular dose of small scale relationship centered / life centered traumas.....
which have taken their toll.....
I suppose part of the reason she's better today in particular (although still physically ill) is that I carefully invited her on a nice out of town trip in April. Something I knew she'd like to do. But, it was an invitation framed in a frame of "even if we've changed the direct partnership of our relationship."
I explained that I've not envisioned having NOTHING to do with one another should it become necessary to live apart.... Of course, I know I am only HALF of that equation..... Still, she was lucid and nodded in understanding of the idea of remaining cordial.....
I will, of course, be open to whatever it takes to be in a self-healthy situation.
I, OTOH, have continued to look at my book about Trauma Bonds and checking the first scale instrument, was not surprised to find myself low in all but one area: Trauma bonding..... I don't have traumas from my childhood I'm repeating, or deep traumatic, dramatic events like a war or a car accident.... No, it's pretty much the trauma bonding that's occurred as my first marriage prepared me, and this relationship with a full-blown BPD person introduced a regular dose of small scale relationship centered / life centered traumas.....
which have taken their toll.....
I suppose part of the reason she's better today in particular (although still physically ill) is that I carefully invited her on a nice out of town trip in April. Something I knew she'd like to do. But, it was an invitation framed in a frame of "even if we've changed the direct partnership of our relationship."
I explained that I've not envisioned having NOTHING to do with one another should it become necessary to live apart.... Of course, I know I am only HALF of that equation..... Still, she was lucid and nodded in understanding of the idea of remaining cordial.....
I will, of course, be open to whatever it takes to be in a self-healthy situation.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
sleeps in the closet
One of the recent tortured conversations revealed that M often sleeps in the master BR closet when I'm away. She said, "Do you realize that when you're not here, I usually sleep in the closet?"
Wow..... Between that and the other recreations of her childhood traumas, I am absolutely bejiggered.
I really think she needs to talk to her T about this stuff.
I have figured out that she often will engage negatively until I get angry, repeating the trauma of her mother's emotional outbursts.
This business with being scared of the dark and of sleeping in the closet is also surely another repeat of trauma bonds. Her brother was cruel in many ways, locking her into closets and attics and sharing her child-self with his friends for sexual acts.
Wow..... Between that and the other recreations of her childhood traumas, I am absolutely bejiggered.
I really think she needs to talk to her T about this stuff.
I have figured out that she often will engage negatively until I get angry, repeating the trauma of her mother's emotional outbursts.
This business with being scared of the dark and of sleeping in the closet is also surely another repeat of trauma bonds. Her brother was cruel in many ways, locking her into closets and attics and sharing her child-self with his friends for sexual acts.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Ill and apologetic
Came home tonight and M was ill from an intestinal problem Says she's had diarrhea since Sunday. Feeling really lousy.... Also apologetic and "reaching out".... The usual, "I just want to spend my life with you...." and all that.
So flipping unstable in her moods.....
She wonders what changed and cannot see the toll that the emotional instability, for many years now, has taken.....
So flipping unstable in her moods.....
She wonders what changed and cannot see the toll that the emotional instability, for many years now, has taken.....
Note #2, keyed @the computer
copied this directly from the file she saved
Re: the scar on my forehead--- Needs to be fixed since you told 2-3 years ago that my “wrinkled” foreheard makes me look old and bothers you--- S0, yes, I was dumb –
BUT --- there were THREE men who could have prevented the accident that resulted in an ugly scar on my foreheard. So---I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE. You were too busy entertaining your family to even accompany me to the urgent care to deal with the injury.
Guess that tells me where I fit (or don’t ) fit into your life and family, eh? I hold you responsibler and wull do whatever I can to fix the scar and YOU can pay for it. I wouldn’t and don’t want to be any more unattractive than you already find me. So sorry that I totally ruined, or rather finished ruining my thumb joints making YOUR PROPERTY more valuable. Had I been able to see into the future, I would have totally focused on doing whatever I could to make myself more physically well (re: you probably don’t even remember the chronic fatigue and eventually the fibromyalgia since it didn’t happen to you, it simply is not within your realm to understand or even try to understand and empathize with). YOU ONLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN A BURDEN TO YOU FOR YEARS AND YEARSl Don’t ever remember all the counsel and encouragement I have given you over the years. You wouldn’t even be at the university if I hadn’t gone to bat for you. Do you even remember that? No! I have come to believe that everything you have accomplished in your career, you have done solely on your own. Good for you. BUT in reality, you would not be where you are now without me and without Tom so perhaps you might want to think about being just a bit more grateful and nicer to me. I don’t care what your relationship is with Tom. They don’t seem to like me anyway.
Do you know how hard I have worked at making my sleep/wake schedule match yours? Likely NOT. Even when I am successful, I don’t think you even notice. I truly believe I am a non-entity in your life. Sorry to be such a bother but we have devoted nearly 15 years of our lives to one another, Consider talking to NANCY about how we have gotten here with no commitment on your part to this relationship, or whatever it is…..I think it is just a convenience for you and I am not, and never will be, worthy of a commitment from you. (Sorry to tell you that I am done with being the indentured servant around here.) I’m most certain that the two of you will conclude that I AM THE SOLE PROBLEM since Leo is always right and if I challenge him then he is the wronged party.
Just forget all the years that I have welcomed, made your family more than comfortable, been faulted by almost everyone in your family for something or other, taken on the responsibility for entertaining and feeding and providing for all of your family members without assistance from you – or even a thank you – from anyone except
Rosemary and we all know EXACTLY what your MOTHER thinks of her!
Oh, well. Sorry to have bothered you, but I’m truly tired of living alone. I’m tired or being so far down that I don’t even make your priority list. I’m sorry that you feel that I have been unsupportive of you and your mother and father in their Alzheimer’s crisis, I’m sorry that I thought that my reading, research and suggestions would be helpful—they haven’t been. As far as I can tell you all are in denial. I’m sorry that this year is the 25th anniversary of my mother’s death. I celebrate that you have had a long, happy, fulfilling life with your parents. I’ll never know what that is like since your parents don’t like me for whatever reason. I guess I’ll never know.
The time has come for me to try to reconnect with the only family I have—my two sons. I’m sorry if that interferes in your life, but you have made it abundantly clear that I don’t even make your priority list, so I have to do what I can to salvage what I have sacrificed to give you and your family what I thought you wanted and that you expected of me. Just call me dumb and dumber.
Re: the scar on my forehead--- Needs to be fixed since you told 2-3 years ago that my “wrinkled” foreheard makes me look old and bothers you--- S0, yes, I was dumb –
BUT --- there were THREE men who could have prevented the accident that resulted in an ugly scar on my foreheard. So---I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE. You were too busy entertaining your family to even accompany me to the urgent care to deal with the injury.
Guess that tells me where I fit (or don’t ) fit into your life and family, eh? I hold you responsibler and wull do whatever I can to fix the scar and YOU can pay for it. I wouldn’t and don’t want to be any more unattractive than you already find me. So sorry that I totally ruined, or rather finished ruining my thumb joints making YOUR PROPERTY more valuable. Had I been able to see into the future, I would have totally focused on doing whatever I could to make myself more physically well (re: you probably don’t even remember the chronic fatigue and eventually the fibromyalgia since it didn’t happen to you, it simply is not within your realm to understand or even try to understand and empathize with). YOU ONLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN A BURDEN TO YOU FOR YEARS AND YEARSl Don’t ever remember all the counsel and encouragement I have given you over the years. You wouldn’t even be at the university if I hadn’t gone to bat for you. Do you even remember that? No! I have come to believe that everything you have accomplished in your career, you have done solely on your own. Good for you. BUT in reality, you would not be where you are now without me and without Tom so perhaps you might want to think about being just a bit more grateful and nicer to me. I don’t care what your relationship is with Tom. They don’t seem to like me anyway.
Do you know how hard I have worked at making my sleep/wake schedule match yours? Likely NOT. Even when I am successful, I don’t think you even notice. I truly believe I am a non-entity in your life. Sorry to be such a bother but we have devoted nearly 15 years of our lives to one another, Consider talking to NANCY about how we have gotten here with no commitment on your part to this relationship, or whatever it is…..I think it is just a convenience for you and I am not, and never will be, worthy of a commitment from you. (Sorry to tell you that I am done with being the indentured servant around here.) I’m most certain that the two of you will conclude that I AM THE SOLE PROBLEM since Leo is always right and if I challenge him then he is the wronged party.
Just forget all the years that I have welcomed, made your family more than comfortable, been faulted by almost everyone in your family for something or other, taken on the responsibility for entertaining and feeding and providing for all of your family members without assistance from you – or even a thank you – from anyone except
Rosemary and we all know EXACTLY what your MOTHER thinks of her!
Oh, well. Sorry to have bothered you, but I’m truly tired of living alone. I’m tired or being so far down that I don’t even make your priority list. I’m sorry that you feel that I have been unsupportive of you and your mother and father in their Alzheimer’s crisis, I’m sorry that I thought that my reading, research and suggestions would be helpful—they haven’t been. As far as I can tell you all are in denial. I’m sorry that this year is the 25th anniversary of my mother’s death. I celebrate that you have had a long, happy, fulfilling life with your parents. I’ll never know what that is like since your parents don’t like me for whatever reason. I guess I’ll never know.
The time has come for me to try to reconnect with the only family I have—my two sons. I’m sorry if that interferes in your life, but you have made it abundantly clear that I don’t even make your priority list, so I have to do what I can to salvage what I have sacrificed to give you and your family what I thought you wanted and that you expected of me. Just call me dumb and dumber.
Notes from M
Dated 2/6/07 (composed day / night after the big blow out)
sticky note on top: You don't have to read this -- but but I have had lots of time to think about it -- SO you might want to give it a quick look.
Handwritten (and apparently copied on the fax machine at home -- bottom of pages cut off and unreadable....) (any comments I have are bracketed).
1. You apparently -- no you give lip service to "understanding" what my thrumb surgery has done to me -- including totally "forgetting" that/sorry) I am currently unable to open bottles and jars except sometimes I can manage if I use my teeth. Thanks.
2.Try to imagine yourself in this house by yourself, left with some cheese, crackers, and water -- and on a good day some micro meals -- with nobody to talk to -- except -- on a good day -- a couple of 30 second weather warnings via cell phone. [this is a reference to several phone calls M made to me yesterday p.m., starting before I had a chance to call her on a friendly basis -- calls that I took with good grace and on a friendly basis ].
3. Imagine the above for anywhere between 10-13 or more hours and then imagine being crabbed at because you feel depressed, alone, and unimportant. Can you imagine that?
4. Imagine bing hngry for "real " food but being unable to fix it for yourself and being unable to actually feed yourself without help that you'd expect a toddler to need.
5. Imagine living with chronic acute pain for 18 or more months because it was inconvenient to deal wit it in a more timely manner. Imagine that.
6. I'm not blaming you. I'm the totally stupid one because all that I have put into and done here at [our address] ...I will never reap any rewards or monetary compensation. I simply did what I thouth "we" wanted done to make the property a nice place to spedn time -- togeter -- but then you got very busy with work and resented that (and still resent) I have chosen to make sure thatany time you are available that I don't have any conflicting commitments. Do you -- will you ever appreciate or understand that? Duh, NO. You hold it against me and find it so ...... [cut off at bottom of page]
sticky note on top: You don't have to read this -- but but I have had lots of time to think about it -- SO you might want to give it a quick look.
Handwritten (and apparently copied on the fax machine at home -- bottom of pages cut off and unreadable....) (any comments I have are bracketed).
1. You apparently -- no you give lip service to "understanding" what my thrumb surgery has done to me -- including totally "forgetting" that/sorry) I am currently unable to open bottles and jars except sometimes I can manage if I use my teeth. Thanks.
2.Try to imagine yourself in this house by yourself, left with some cheese, crackers, and water -- and on a good day some micro meals -- with nobody to talk to -- except -- on a good day -- a couple of 30 second weather warnings via cell phone. [this is a reference to several phone calls M made to me yesterday p.m., starting before I had a chance to call her on a friendly basis -- calls that I took with good grace and on a friendly basis ].
3. Imagine the above for anywhere between 10-13 or more hours and then imagine being crabbed at because you feel depressed, alone, and unimportant. Can you imagine that?
4. Imagine bing hngry for "real " food but being unable to fix it for yourself and being unable to actually feed yourself without help that you'd expect a toddler to need.
5. Imagine living with chronic acute pain for 18 or more months because it was inconvenient to deal wit it in a more timely manner. Imagine that.
6. I'm not blaming you. I'm the totally stupid one because all that I have put into and done here at [our address] ...I will never reap any rewards or monetary compensation. I simply did what I thouth "we" wanted done to make the property a nice place to spedn time -- togeter -- but then you got very busy with work and resented that (and still resent) I have chosen to make sure thatany time you are available that I don't have any conflicting commitments. Do you -- will you ever appreciate or understand that? Duh, NO. You hold it against me and find it so ...... [cut off at bottom of page]
last night
Got worse and worse. Apparently the trigger for her mania was that I either came home too early, so as she wasn't asleep to avoid me yet, OR I waited too long after getting home to go upstairs and greet her and be friendly.
Yet another suicide attempt. Tried to freeze herself to death in below zero wind chills temps. I found her after she made a point of coming to me at 3:30 or so in the a.m. to say goodbye. I got dressed. Got the phone and prepared to call 911 for a Person Requiring Treatment.... Found her on the deck and calmly gave her a count of 10 to get in the house or have 911 called.
She complied. On 9.
Yapped at me a while. Eventually went to bed, but somewhat regretful she hadn't been allowed to freeze to death.... etc, etc....
Blaming me all the while for "driving her away" "driving her to this" and so on..... was still pretty prickly when I got home later in the day.
Yet another suicide attempt. Tried to freeze herself to death in below zero wind chills temps. I found her after she made a point of coming to me at 3:30 or so in the a.m. to say goodbye. I got dressed. Got the phone and prepared to call 911 for a Person Requiring Treatment.... Found her on the deck and calmly gave her a count of 10 to get in the house or have 911 called.
She complied. On 9.
Yapped at me a while. Eventually went to bed, but somewhat regretful she hadn't been allowed to freeze to death.... etc, etc....
Blaming me all the while for "driving her away" "driving her to this" and so on..... was still pretty prickly when I got home later in the day.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Monday night
is always a late night home....
Well, I mistakenly thought M would be in a pleasant mood.... she gave no other indication on the phone earlier today....
But, alas, she's had yet another mood crash. Life is awful. Wishes she'd never had the surgery. The house is a pigsty....
But, she did tell me not to take all this as my fault or anything.... it's HER rope she's at the end of she said.....
Hope it doesn't get worse tonight.....
Well, I mistakenly thought M would be in a pleasant mood.... she gave no other indication on the phone earlier today....
But, alas, she's had yet another mood crash. Life is awful. Wishes she'd never had the surgery. The house is a pigsty....
But, she did tell me not to take all this as my fault or anything.... it's HER rope she's at the end of she said.....
Hope it doesn't get worse tonight.....
Sunday....
was modestly better. At least I got some sleep. M drugged herself pretty heavy. Asleep on the floor in master BR when I checked at midnight. Still there @ 2 a.m., but roused when I checked for breathe.... I helped her to the bathroom and then to bed (still a bit staggered....)
Sunday, she stayed unengaged and nonconfrontational for the most part, until the afternoon. She engaged me off and on through the late a.m. and mid p.m., then asked me, kinda nicely, to sit and talk about some things.... Which we did.... until the usual subjects, grossly belabored began to recycle on her part. I finally asked just how many hours we were going to go this time.... to which she replied, "Well, how many are you up for?? We are at least talking and more engaged than I've felt in quite awhile....". But, it was enough to back away from it somewhat. I DO recall that I finally had to get angry to get her to stop. I actually coined a description that I kind of like:
"All you understand is ANGER. You were born, bred and breastfed on anger.... "
She didn't exactly agree, but on the other hand.... she did finally disengage and start easing back n this manic and post-manic mood and discussion....
She "tested" me shortly after to see how my mood was by half inviting me to play electronic Texas Hold-em. I agreed and said I'd be up shortly. Still, she was surprised that I did so and did willingly.... and spent the companionable time with her.... and so on.
Later, after her son was here for a brief time, she was even more civil. Starting into some apologetic conversation and such. "I'm just SO frustrated", says she.... "I'm really sorry".
yada yada yada
I actually know that a lot of what happens is her replaying her childhood traumas in this relationship.....
Sunday, she stayed unengaged and nonconfrontational for the most part, until the afternoon. She engaged me off and on through the late a.m. and mid p.m., then asked me, kinda nicely, to sit and talk about some things.... Which we did.... until the usual subjects, grossly belabored began to recycle on her part. I finally asked just how many hours we were going to go this time.... to which she replied, "Well, how many are you up for?? We are at least talking and more engaged than I've felt in quite awhile....". But, it was enough to back away from it somewhat. I DO recall that I finally had to get angry to get her to stop. I actually coined a description that I kind of like:
"All you understand is ANGER. You were born, bred and breastfed on anger.... "
She didn't exactly agree, but on the other hand.... she did finally disengage and start easing back n this manic and post-manic mood and discussion....
She "tested" me shortly after to see how my mood was by half inviting me to play electronic Texas Hold-em. I agreed and said I'd be up shortly. Still, she was surprised that I did so and did willingly.... and spent the companionable time with her.... and so on.
Later, after her son was here for a brief time, she was even more civil. Starting into some apologetic conversation and such. "I'm just SO frustrated", says she.... "I'm really sorry".
yada yada yada
I actually know that a lot of what happens is her replaying her childhood traumas in this relationship.....
Saturday, February 3, 2007
One more "trip" down crazy lane
So, I unpacked the suitcases from a trip / conference we were at (at the latter, M was MOST unhappy. I put the empty suitcase in the hallway beween bedrooms. At one side. Plenty of walk room for anyone not inebriated or blindly angry or uncoordinated.
Well , wouldn't you know it. M, after bursting into the guest room at least twice, continuing in belligerence and offended speeches, she came to just outside the door and announced, "I'm going to bed!". Then, apparently wheeled around and promptly tripped over the suitcase.
The additional tragedy is that she really banged her right hand / repaired thumb. Don't know what kind of setback that may be or what damage she may have caused herself.
Of course, it's MY FAULT per her that "YOUR FUCKING SUITCASE WAS IN THE WAY". Not for any normal person in normal transit through the hallway.... But blame she must.
Then we had to have an exchange over "where are my pills?!" Xanax, Valium, Lumesta.... all of which, considering the numerous suicide threats tonight, I put aside away from her (and also per the request of her son).
She had some few stashed somewhere. Of some kind. I don't have any idea what she may have taken. Won't be able to be much help in identifying.... I'd just have to provide my best guess.
Anyway, I digressed. I do regret my reaction to the commotion when she tripped. After having my door angrily burst through several times, and hearing something happen.... I was frankly down to my last nerve. I whipped the door out and just started yelling, "What did you do?! What did you do?!". I couldn't stop yelling for a few moments. It became plain that she had hurt herself. But how, and how much? Part of me leapt to a conclusion that she perhaps had kicked at the suitcase. She'd been acting out for hours..... Just as likely, though, that in her clumsy, uncoordinated and inebriated state she wheeled and tripped....
It will indeed be a problem if she needs anything from the surgery re-worked. She's beyond miserable with it, and now it hurts again, and quite dreadfully.
OTOH, she has finally quieted. Apparently whatever drugs she put into herself finally put her out. I hope she's safe. She's certainly not sound.
I checked on her periodically. Asleep on the floor. Covered her with a blanket. About 2 a.m., she roused enough I was able to help her to the toilet and then to bed. She asked me to come to bed to warm her. Part of the night she seemed to appreciate that. Later, as the drugs wore off I suppose, she got back into her disquiet, depressive, offended state and moved off away to her side of the bed....
I've politely checked with her this a.m. to see if she needs any medication to help (pain and such, after the fall). Got the usual, "You don't care...." crap...
And, I suppose, the inevitable "we need to have a little chat and face the facts...."
Her son is supposed to be out here later.... Don't know if I'm interested in having such a "chat" before he's around or been and gone.....
But, she should take care about demanding that I leave when I am in a mindset to do exactly that. I have been trying to get things sorted out in a more studious and deliberate way... But, living with her is too crazy making.
Well , wouldn't you know it. M, after bursting into the guest room at least twice, continuing in belligerence and offended speeches, she came to just outside the door and announced, "I'm going to bed!". Then, apparently wheeled around and promptly tripped over the suitcase.
The additional tragedy is that she really banged her right hand / repaired thumb. Don't know what kind of setback that may be or what damage she may have caused herself.
Of course, it's MY FAULT per her that "YOUR FUCKING SUITCASE WAS IN THE WAY". Not for any normal person in normal transit through the hallway.... But blame she must.
Then we had to have an exchange over "where are my pills?!" Xanax, Valium, Lumesta.... all of which, considering the numerous suicide threats tonight, I put aside away from her (and also per the request of her son).
She had some few stashed somewhere. Of some kind. I don't have any idea what she may have taken. Won't be able to be much help in identifying.... I'd just have to provide my best guess.
Anyway, I digressed. I do regret my reaction to the commotion when she tripped. After having my door angrily burst through several times, and hearing something happen.... I was frankly down to my last nerve. I whipped the door out and just started yelling, "What did you do?! What did you do?!". I couldn't stop yelling for a few moments. It became plain that she had hurt herself. But how, and how much? Part of me leapt to a conclusion that she perhaps had kicked at the suitcase. She'd been acting out for hours..... Just as likely, though, that in her clumsy, uncoordinated and inebriated state she wheeled and tripped....
It will indeed be a problem if she needs anything from the surgery re-worked. She's beyond miserable with it, and now it hurts again, and quite dreadfully.
OTOH, she has finally quieted. Apparently whatever drugs she put into herself finally put her out. I hope she's safe. She's certainly not sound.
I checked on her periodically. Asleep on the floor. Covered her with a blanket. About 2 a.m., she roused enough I was able to help her to the toilet and then to bed. She asked me to come to bed to warm her. Part of the night she seemed to appreciate that. Later, as the drugs wore off I suppose, she got back into her disquiet, depressive, offended state and moved off away to her side of the bed....
I've politely checked with her this a.m. to see if she needs any medication to help (pain and such, after the fall). Got the usual, "You don't care...." crap...
And, I suppose, the inevitable "we need to have a little chat and face the facts...."
Her son is supposed to be out here later.... Don't know if I'm interested in having such a "chat" before he's around or been and gone.....
But, she should take care about demanding that I leave when I am in a mindset to do exactly that. I have been trying to get things sorted out in a more studious and deliberate way... But, living with her is too crazy making.
more from today
7 to 8 hours of M venting and carrying on about the same stuff, plus a few new recent episodes of my offending her / hurting her feelings / devaluing her... etc, per her.
I got a bit angry once when I found she'd absconded with the pickup truck key.
I got tired of her yelling and ranting and raving even after I politely withdrew. Packed a quick bag and told her she had a choice: either stop yelling, or I would have to leave to go to a hotel for the night.
She said there's one more choice: I have LOTS of Xanax and I KNOW that will "do it". I told her I don't respond to that threat. She went and got a handful.....
I merely repeated that I would go upstairs and all I was requesting was that she stop yelling and ranting. She rudely and loudly said I should use earplugs!!
Then she started trying to make goodbye calls: to her sister, her kids. Got her younger boy on the phone. Been carrying on with him, more quietly, but carrying on..... for 1/2 hour plus at this point. She MUST have referenced the pills, as he switched lines and called me on the landline and asked that I go confiscate whatever she had because she was talking crazy.....
I did so. With him on the phone, there was no confrontation.... A remark or two was it. And apparently he didn't let on to his request of me to her.
As long as I'm having to deal with suicide / pill possibilities, I have removed all that I know of from her immediate purview.
We'll see how this night goes... and tomorrow might just be real decision time.
I got a bit angry once when I found she'd absconded with the pickup truck key.
I got tired of her yelling and ranting and raving even after I politely withdrew. Packed a quick bag and told her she had a choice: either stop yelling, or I would have to leave to go to a hotel for the night.
She said there's one more choice: I have LOTS of Xanax and I KNOW that will "do it". I told her I don't respond to that threat. She went and got a handful.....
I merely repeated that I would go upstairs and all I was requesting was that she stop yelling and ranting. She rudely and loudly said I should use earplugs!!
Then she started trying to make goodbye calls: to her sister, her kids. Got her younger boy on the phone. Been carrying on with him, more quietly, but carrying on..... for 1/2 hour plus at this point. She MUST have referenced the pills, as he switched lines and called me on the landline and asked that I go confiscate whatever she had because she was talking crazy.....
I did so. With him on the phone, there was no confrontation.... A remark or two was it. And apparently he didn't let on to his request of me to her.
As long as I'm having to deal with suicide / pill possibilities, I have removed all that I know of from her immediate purview.
We'll see how this night goes... and tomorrow might just be real decision time.
offending without even knowing it
Fri late p.m.m early evening, M was in a relatively good mood it seemed as I brought food and wine. Went on to my evening meeting. Got in at 9:20 or so that night. Hadn't felt well and left the room for about half an hour to sit in the lobby and read and see if my guts were going to keep behaving OK.
Sat a.m.:
"Would you STOP snoring??!!" Was I? rude, irritated response from her: "What, you think I just woke you up to be mean!!?? "
Since found out she'd attempted to cuddle over the night.... later she claimed she'd "tried 3 times to get close and I just moved away...."
I told her I remember once feeling her knees against my legs and moving TOWARD her, but that for any other such, I was asleep and had no memory. She was disbelieving and clearly chooses to believe I was deliberately rejecting her attempts at closeness.... "Despite having put my negative feelings aside", says she.
Ride home at noon time was arduous. I made a wrong turn (right instead of left), "didn't listen / believe her". I otoh asked her why she didn't help navigate when I asked her to. She just blustered about my "not believing anything I say. I must be stupid" stuff like that....
Lots of further conflict Sat p.m. lots of devaluation statements etc. The story I told Wednesday at lunch with my folks friends and my folks, which I didn't consider demeaning or disrepectful at the time, continues to haunt things. Her shame knows no boundary. It is depthless.
The book on trauma bonds I am reading is helping my understanding
SSDI and cashing out of house equity is a question that has to be checked. She says if she equities out, she will not be able to draw SSDI until the proceeds are exhausted. Claims she talked with an attorney, but didn't identify whom.
Anyway, her current story is she's "stuck" with this house and living here because of that (one more of a long line of reasons....)
The latest on issues surrounding my schedule, since I "clearly don't want to be around her" is to just let her know what nights I'll be home.... (so what???? )
She's mentioned numerious times that this year will mark the 25th anniv of her mom's death, and clearly grudges my having a normal lifetime of parents.... has been repeatedly pejorative about HER loss 20 years + ago vs MY crisis over my almost 80 y.o. dad's Alzheimer's Disease.
Her POV. I find that AD just one more thing to navigate in life. BUT, I do not believe I can be partnered with someone who is such and energy drain AND deal as I must with other such life issues.
Sat a.m.:
"Would you STOP snoring??!!" Was I? rude, irritated response from her: "What, you think I just woke you up to be mean!!?? "
Since found out she'd attempted to cuddle over the night.... later she claimed she'd "tried 3 times to get close and I just moved away...."
I told her I remember once feeling her knees against my legs and moving TOWARD her, but that for any other such, I was asleep and had no memory. She was disbelieving and clearly chooses to believe I was deliberately rejecting her attempts at closeness.... "Despite having put my negative feelings aside", says she.
Ride home at noon time was arduous. I made a wrong turn (right instead of left), "didn't listen / believe her". I otoh asked her why she didn't help navigate when I asked her to. She just blustered about my "not believing anything I say. I must be stupid" stuff like that....
Lots of further conflict Sat p.m. lots of devaluation statements etc. The story I told Wednesday at lunch with my folks friends and my folks, which I didn't consider demeaning or disrepectful at the time, continues to haunt things. Her shame knows no boundary. It is depthless.
The book on trauma bonds I am reading is helping my understanding
SSDI and cashing out of house equity is a question that has to be checked. She says if she equities out, she will not be able to draw SSDI until the proceeds are exhausted. Claims she talked with an attorney, but didn't identify whom.
Anyway, her current story is she's "stuck" with this house and living here because of that (one more of a long line of reasons....)
The latest on issues surrounding my schedule, since I "clearly don't want to be around her" is to just let her know what nights I'll be home.... (so what???? )
She's mentioned numerious times that this year will mark the 25th anniv of her mom's death, and clearly grudges my having a normal lifetime of parents.... has been repeatedly pejorative about HER loss 20 years + ago vs MY crisis over my almost 80 y.o. dad's Alzheimer's Disease.
Her POV. I find that AD just one more thing to navigate in life. BUT, I do not believe I can be partnered with someone who is such and energy drain AND deal as I must with other such life issues.
Friday, February 2, 2007
The conference thing
Well, some weeks back, I happened to share an honest feeling about having M @ conferences -- part of my work. A conversation encouraged by my therapist. Trying to make it clear that the conferences are work, first, play -- especially family / partner play, second. I thought we eventually and tortuously came to an agreement that since much of my issues surrounded feeling "responsible" for M and taking care of her -- looking to her comfort levels and such.... that SHE was to take care of herself.... could and would.....
Wed night, before we got to the hotel, I reiterated that I hoped we were on the same page -- that this was work first and that I needed to let her take care of her own self.....
Well that, plus the conversations the day before in Florida that touched areas of shame for her.... became problematical.... Thursday a.m..... particularly after a remark she made that I responded poorly to.
I was getting around. Getting ready to go. Had to take care of something (pants hem) that I grumbled about.... Was definitely preoccupied (she said "freezing her out" later). When she started feeling as if she was in the way. But instead of saying THAT, she remarked, "I don't think you're very happy to have me here".
I was immediately terribly upset. For me, this appeared to come out of nowhere. I hadn't said anything that I was aware of that was remotely grumbly or unwelcoming. Quite the opposite. I had been trying to make plain what opportunities to go out and be social MIGHT occur -- although I had to reserve first dibs for work connections....
Anyway, it was like she had managed with just those few words to completely ruin my outlook. I was trying really hard.... yet, she found a way to be upset and troubled.
I worked hard to reduce my reaction and address the issues kindly before I left.... Thought they were.....
But, alas, she had all day to stew and she did. She's stuck (I remarked I didn't want to be stranded again as has happened in the past) here.... I'm doing the conference. She's hurt, upset, troubled.... and MOSTLY from stuff she's created out of minor remarks and physical bearing.
Even last night, I made sure to take her somthing to eat. Got her some wine as requested...... Left her be because, "I just want to go to sleep"..... I went out for a couple beers, back just before midnight, she's upset because I'm up way past my bedtime, like to be with others better than her, and on and on.
She tried to make me angry, but I just went to bed. She cried. She cried in the bathroom. In the closet. Fell asleep in the closet, eventually came to bed. MY sleep was fractured from all that. I'm tired, drawn and worn.
I've left a note offering to run her home. I'm going to check on her now.... Sigh.
This is just about at a point of needing to be finished!
Wed night, before we got to the hotel, I reiterated that I hoped we were on the same page -- that this was work first and that I needed to let her take care of her own self.....
Well that, plus the conversations the day before in Florida that touched areas of shame for her.... became problematical.... Thursday a.m..... particularly after a remark she made that I responded poorly to.
I was getting around. Getting ready to go. Had to take care of something (pants hem) that I grumbled about.... Was definitely preoccupied (she said "freezing her out" later). When she started feeling as if she was in the way. But instead of saying THAT, she remarked, "I don't think you're very happy to have me here".
I was immediately terribly upset. For me, this appeared to come out of nowhere. I hadn't said anything that I was aware of that was remotely grumbly or unwelcoming. Quite the opposite. I had been trying to make plain what opportunities to go out and be social MIGHT occur -- although I had to reserve first dibs for work connections....
Anyway, it was like she had managed with just those few words to completely ruin my outlook. I was trying really hard.... yet, she found a way to be upset and troubled.
I worked hard to reduce my reaction and address the issues kindly before I left.... Thought they were.....
But, alas, she had all day to stew and she did. She's stuck (I remarked I didn't want to be stranded again as has happened in the past) here.... I'm doing the conference. She's hurt, upset, troubled.... and MOSTLY from stuff she's created out of minor remarks and physical bearing.
Even last night, I made sure to take her somthing to eat. Got her some wine as requested...... Left her be because, "I just want to go to sleep"..... I went out for a couple beers, back just before midnight, she's upset because I'm up way past my bedtime, like to be with others better than her, and on and on.
She tried to make me angry, but I just went to bed. She cried. She cried in the bathroom. In the closet. Fell asleep in the closet, eventually came to bed. MY sleep was fractured from all that. I'm tired, drawn and worn.
I've left a note offering to run her home. I'm going to check on her now.... Sigh.
This is just about at a point of needing to be finished!
Well, things went well for a few days
Saturday through Wed, we were in FL to visit. Got along well. "Connected" a bit. Of course, M had lots of my attention.... I was very available..... So, she was much happier....
Had a long travel day Wed, but still didn't fight.... BUT, I did make the mistake earlier in the day of riffing on the travails of the last outdoor craft show where M soaked herself with icy cold water on the second day of the show and stayed in a foul, foul mood for the day.... and beyond.
this was with some mutual friends.... just good natured and jocular. I also went into some of M's dirt-poor home situation.... I thought in an acknowledging and admiring way.... But, apparently I am not in touch with how "ashamed" she feels over her childhood.... "You practically referred to me as poor white trash...."
As I look back now, I'm uncertain how exactly I got into the whole business of her childhood situation... I think it started out with some observations I made about her genes and her looking little like her mom or her sis or brother, size-wise..... and it just rolled from there. Had I been in better touch with how ashamed having that touched upon would make her feel, I would agree that I had been terribly boorish. But, my recollection is that I was not in fact trying to demean or diminish her.
But, I am considering calling the lady whose house we were at to get her perspective and so I'll better know what, if any, offense I may have caused or committed.
Not remotely true, but it is how she feels......
Now, we're at a conference, testing whether that's a good idea.... Nope. She had the meltdown that I was afraid of.... More in the next message.
Had a long travel day Wed, but still didn't fight.... BUT, I did make the mistake earlier in the day of riffing on the travails of the last outdoor craft show where M soaked herself with icy cold water on the second day of the show and stayed in a foul, foul mood for the day.... and beyond.
this was with some mutual friends.... just good natured and jocular. I also went into some of M's dirt-poor home situation.... I thought in an acknowledging and admiring way.... But, apparently I am not in touch with how "ashamed" she feels over her childhood.... "You practically referred to me as poor white trash...."
As I look back now, I'm uncertain how exactly I got into the whole business of her childhood situation... I think it started out with some observations I made about her genes and her looking little like her mom or her sis or brother, size-wise..... and it just rolled from there. Had I been in better touch with how ashamed having that touched upon would make her feel, I would agree that I had been terribly boorish. But, my recollection is that I was not in fact trying to demean or diminish her.
But, I am considering calling the lady whose house we were at to get her perspective and so I'll better know what, if any, offense I may have caused or committed.
Not remotely true, but it is how she feels......
Now, we're at a conference, testing whether that's a good idea.... Nope. She had the meltdown that I was afraid of.... More in the next message.
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