Yup. After the seriously manic episode, the slow drift toward the other direction has happened steadily over the last couple days. Part of it's the classic abuser / "make up" swing, part of it's typical BPD swing, etc, etc.
Yesterday was a continuation of the day before. Friendlier. Warmer. Clearly M is feeling a bit more loved and cherished, yadayada.... I'm being responsive, but not overly demonstrative -- trying to be careful neither to imply more hope than there is, nor to trigger any outbreaks of ill feelings -- the typical eggshell walking we partners do.
Yesterday when I got home, she asked about going to the tavern for a pizza. I said sure, noted it was karaoke night (and activity we adoped a couple years ago, had a lot of joint fun with, but have missed since it had been ceased at the little bar 1/2 mile away....)
So down we went a little time before, had a beer, pizza, and moved into the other room to check out the new karaoke host.
Things happened as I would have predicted.... we had a nice time, I sang a lot, she sang a few, she picked out some of my standards for karaoke that she likes (the love songs, of course.... I wasn't entirely comfortable, but I tried to come across warmly enough....) The karaoke time went well. Only one awful singer. Small attendance, friendly people (I wish they all didn't smoke).
Want home by about 11:15. Now, at this time of the night, my cicadian rhythm is really low. I get very tired and sleepy.... But, M if she's likely to be horny, tends to get that way after I'm tired and nearly asleep -- IOW, about this time of the night.... Well, I wasn't surprised she took the opportunity to start something. And, I enjoyed it. Always do, because she is great in bed.
Of course, I have to ignore the prospect of subsequent accusations in devalued terms that have crept up in the recent past, usually at the next fight -- she devalues and demeans this aspect of our lives in horrendous ways.... Sigh...
I also understand the behavior in terms of the abuser putting on her best behavior and trying to change the currency of the relationship. The "campaign" to stay in relationship, while somewhat subconscious and subliminal, is apparent to me at this point.... usually happens. Somewhere she knows she's been awful, and she has to campaign toward being viewed as "good"....
Anyway, it is nice to have a little fun with her.... even if I know things have to keep moving another direction for me.
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