The conference thing

Well, some weeks back, I happened to share an honest feeling about having M @ conferences -- part of my work. A conversation encouraged by my therapist. Trying to make it clear that the conferences are work, first, play -- especially family / partner play, second. I thought we eventually and tortuously came to an agreement that since much of my issues surrounded feeling "responsible" for M and taking care of her -- looking to her comfort levels and such.... that SHE was to take care of herself.... could and would.....

Wed night, before we got to the hotel, I reiterated that I hoped we were on the same page -- that this was work first and that I needed to let her take care of her own self.....

Well that, plus the conversations the day before in Florida that touched areas of shame for her.... became problematical.... Thursday a.m..... particularly after a remark she made that I responded poorly to.

I was getting around. Getting ready to go. Had to take care of something (pants hem) that I grumbled about.... Was definitely preoccupied (she said "freezing her out" later). When she started feeling as if she was in the way. But instead of saying THAT, she remarked, "I don't think you're very happy to have me here".

I was immediately terribly upset. For me, this appeared to come out of nowhere. I hadn't said anything that I was aware of that was remotely grumbly or unwelcoming. Quite the opposite. I had been trying to make plain what opportunities to go out and be social MIGHT occur -- although I had to reserve first dibs for work connections....

Anyway, it was like she had managed with just those few words to completely ruin my outlook. I was trying really hard.... yet, she found a way to be upset and troubled.

I worked hard to reduce my reaction and address the issues kindly before I left.... Thought they were.....

But, alas, she had all day to stew and she did. She's stuck (I remarked I didn't want to be stranded again as has happened in the past) here.... I'm doing the conference. She's hurt, upset, troubled.... and MOSTLY from stuff she's created out of minor remarks and physical bearing.

Even last night, I made sure to take her somthing to eat. Got her some wine as requested...... Left her be because, "I just want to go to sleep"..... I went out for a couple beers, back just before midnight, she's upset because I'm up way past my bedtime, like to be with others better than her, and on and on.

She tried to make me angry, but I just went to bed. She cried. She cried in the bathroom. In the closet. Fell asleep in the closet, eventually came to bed. MY sleep was fractured from all that. I'm tired, drawn and worn.

I've left a note offering to run her home. I'm going to check on her now.... Sigh.

This is just about at a point of needing to be finished!