Intense relationship isn't necessarily the intimate relationship you think you're getting

I don't know where I saw the recommendation for the book The Betrayal Bond, but BOY, am I getting a lot of it. Much of it has helped me understand my partner's issues and motivations and reactions. I still don't think I can continue in the long-term, as she hasn't been getting her issues handled.... but this book is really helping me understand. She had a lot of childhood abuse: physical, to an extent, emotional to a much larger extent, and sexual. So, she's got lots of trauma and trauma bonding stuff going on.

For me, it's been a realization that, while I don't have the dysfunctional family history, that living in a long-term dysfunctional relationship (to a certain extent my first marriage, much more so this current relationship) one can experience enough low-level trauma to create a fair bit of trauma / betrayal bonding... Whodathunk??!!

Anyway, wanted to share a bit from my reading today. The chapter is "What makes trauma bonds stronger?" the section is "When High Intensity is Mistaken for Intimacy."

This particular paragraph got me thinking [any extra notation I have is in brackets]:
"Intimacy, in contrast [to high intensity], starts with mutuality and respect. There is neither exploitatin by abuse of power [or of victimhood], nor betrayal of trust. Passion flows from vulnerability and care--and is a afunctino of the soul. Intimacy relies on safety and patience. Healthy intimacy usually has no secrets. Intensiy requires secrecy and develops from it. Intimacy pushes partners to grow. Intensity serves as a distraction from oneself and lmites the possiblity of growth. Conflicts tha tarise in intimacy result in negotiations and a clear understanding about fair fighting. Absent are the fear and anxiety of intensity. Constancy and vulnerablity crate more of the epic than the epiosodic."

Thinking back to when my partner and I first moved from friendship to intimacy, which was by way of a workplace affair.... I realize that a great deal of what I thought was deep love at that time really is better described as an intense relationship, rather than an intimate one.

It strikes me that BPD folk are very good at starting a relationship that SEEMS intimate, but is actually intense and that we inadvertently get suckered right on in.....

Very interesting bit of learning for me..... /pop