In the last day and a half, I have had the most interesting interactions with women friends. They are fellow leaders in the union organization that I'm part of, and these are women who are by and large quite whole -- they have full and autonomous selves.
Anyway, to a person, they all have (now and in the past) basically let me know I've been way too patient and forbearing with M and that I need to cut this off and get on with my life.
EVEN MORE INTERESTING, one of them who is perhaps THE MOST direct and autonomous woman I've known, has been both providing a friendship and listening ear, AND, more than slightly, showing those typical feminine signs of interest in me.
Very interesting. She's the same age as M, but not broken.....
The relationship side of my life may become quite interesting!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Last message so far
was voicemailed at about 4:30 a.m. today. "Hey, Mr Incommuncato. I haven't gone to sleep yet. Maybe I won't. Or maybe I will. Maybe I'll go to sleep forever.... but I just wanted to make sure I tell you I love you..."
Other messages (1, 2ish) were sexual references (complaints or rationalizations about our lack of intimacy....)
Same ol same ol
Other messages (1, 2ish) were sexual references (complaints or rationalizations about our lack of intimacy....)
Same ol same ol
Just a little much
M started calling my cell last night. First @ 8:30p -- I was busy and with people...
Later, after more beer / wine, no doubt, she started getting really excessive.
My cell began ringing at 10:15p and she would no more than leave a voicemail, than she would hit redial. NINE times she rang my phone.
At one point, I checked the first VM, and it wasn't anything important. No emergency or anything. Just blahblahblah.
This a.m., I show 12 voicemails waiting.... Yipe. Just like other times. Bad, bad news.
Later, after more beer / wine, no doubt, she started getting really excessive.
My cell began ringing at 10:15p and she would no more than leave a voicemail, than she would hit redial. NINE times she rang my phone.
At one point, I checked the first VM, and it wasn't anything important. No emergency or anything. Just blahblahblah.
This a.m., I show 12 voicemails waiting.... Yipe. Just like other times. Bad, bad news.
An attraction to note
Well, I've had a bit to drink.... but I wanted to note this.
One of the MOST AUTOTONOMOUS AND WHOLE women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.... showed an interest in me, for when the day comes....
L is whole, direct, assertive, and really quite an attractive black woman (I'm caucasian..)
I mightn't have put her on "my list" but for today. Very good conversations, early in the evening, as well as OK / attraction postures at a social / party situation... and a late conversation, lead me to believe she is a possible datable friend..
cool!!
One of the MOST AUTOTONOMOUS AND WHOLE women I've ever had the privilege of knowing.... showed an interest in me, for when the day comes....
L is whole, direct, assertive, and really quite an attractive black woman (I'm caucasian..)
I mightn't have put her on "my list" but for today. Very good conversations, early in the evening, as well as OK / attraction postures at a social / party situation... and a late conversation, lead me to believe she is a possible datable friend..
cool!!
Monday, July 30, 2007
If rage / staying cool was like drinking beer....
From my online support group:
--- Mr Y wrote:
> If it was possible not to react to a BPD persons
> rage, anger, etc. -
> Letting them blow up - would things be back to
> normal after all that
> passed? So far I have been unable to 'stay cool' -
> eventually I get
> frustrated and blow up.... I'm just wondering if
> anybody has had
> success with that?
Mr Y,
Functional people recognize that the BPs rage is not
within the realm of sane behavior.
Functional people do not tolerate crazy behavior, so
"staying cool" might not really be a success.
Think of it this way...if each 5 minutes of rage were
equal to a beer...the "staying cool" approach might
lead you towards becoming an alcoholic.
Mr X
--- Mr Y wrote:
> If it was possible not to react to a BPD persons
> rage, anger, etc. -
> Letting them blow up - would things be back to
> normal after all that
> passed? So far I have been unable to 'stay cool' -
> eventually I get
> frustrated and blow up.... I'm just wondering if
> anybody has had
> success with that?
Mr Y,
Functional people recognize that the BPs rage is not
within the realm of sane behavior.
Functional people do not tolerate crazy behavior, so
"staying cool" might not really be a success.
Think of it this way...if each 5 minutes of rage were
equal to a beer...the "staying cool" approach might
lead you towards becoming an alcoholic.
Mr X
Forgive & forget
It is amazing that a BPD person like M can actually seriously suggest that we the partner ought to quickly forgive and forget their acting out and their misbehaviors and nasty remarks....
She clearly expected to come to my conference, reconnect, get close, get recovered as a couple, etc, etc.
I, otoh, needed a respite from her -- just didn't want to ask for it. And, even though I tried to lay out non-rejecting options, she still managed to make Saturday night into a rejection....
I am so tired of this crap.... Now, I need to move out for the time being and get on with a real life...
She clearly expected to come to my conference, reconnect, get close, get recovered as a couple, etc, etc.
I, otoh, needed a respite from her -- just didn't want to ask for it. And, even though I tried to lay out non-rejecting options, she still managed to make Saturday night into a rejection....
I am so tired of this crap.... Now, I need to move out for the time being and get on with a real life...
M's middle of the night emails
[my comments in brackets]
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 01:36:22 -0400
Subject: good day
Remember this...... always.....
Or, perhaps, I should fill in a bit first. Last Saturday you laid out YOUR plans for this weekend. May I remind you that none of your scenarios remotely included me and your parents staying here together while you booked off to your meetings, sessions, imporant hobnobbing and social events...... So, how did that happen? I think that when it became clear to you that you had uninvited me, you should have packed up your parents and hauled them off
[that was not something M asked of me, either]
with you ... since that was your original plan, right? Or, would that have also interfered with your extracurricular activities, too? [ah.... the periodic accusation of "other women". She just can't seem to NOT go there eventually]
With the price of gas, I find it insane to propose that I am "welcome" as long as we drive separately. (By the way, if we have suddenly become independently wealthy, you have neglected to share that info with me, but since you haven't indicated thus I have to assume that we do still live in the "REAL" world where one has to pay one's own way....) [200 mile round trip. 8 gallons of gas. $25 for M's peace of mind or compared to the price of yet another hotel room for M or for the folks.... hmmm]
Never mind that I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep and have had a temp of 100 to 101 all day (not feeling like I want to make a 2 hour drive anywhere especially to somewhere I clearly was not wanted). [again, reading far more meaning into the words than she should have] Besides, after driving all over hell's half acre earlier this year, I'm not so much up for more solo road trips. I'm sure you don't understand that since you haven't ever been in a position to have to do that sort of thing yourself, therefore it probably just doesn't exist.
So.... to say this this day has not been one of my favorite days to have lived is to put it mildly.
Remember this...... always.....
I WILL NEVER EVER SPEND TIME IN MY HOUSE WITH Y0UR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT HERE. Got it?
This has been one of the most excruciatingly emotionally painful days in my entire life -- since your mother is everywhere (like the entire house belongs to her) it is extremely hard to stay out of her way and it is extremely clear that you don't want me around you in Bay City.... Tough times.
PS. Just so you know, I was really looking forward to these few days in Bay City as a respite from the past couple of months. [yeah, I figured it was all about "reconnecting" and getting closer, etc, etc.... Of course, that means I'd have to just forget all the stuff from the last few years -- while M can continue to remember and dredge up as she likes.... that's fair...] I'm pretty sure I do not like the fact that you took that away from me.
Enjoy your air conditioned comfort. As it was last your, it is going to be in the mid to upper 90s here Tues, Wed and maybe Thurs (so you will probably want to take your time getting home) and the upper 80s to low 90s through the weekend. THANKS SO MUCH.
Sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself and have the best ever conference.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 01:36:22 -0400
Subject: good day
Remember this...... always.....
Or, perhaps, I should fill in a bit first. Last Saturday you laid out YOUR plans for this weekend. May I remind you that none of your scenarios remotely included me and your parents staying here together while you booked off to your meetings, sessions, imporant hobnobbing and social events...... So, how did that happen? I think that when it became clear to you that you had uninvited me, you should have packed up your parents and hauled them off
[that was not something M asked of me, either]
with you ... since that was your original plan, right? Or, would that have also interfered with your extracurricular activities, too? [ah.... the periodic accusation of "other women". She just can't seem to NOT go there eventually]
With the price of gas, I find it insane to propose that I am "welcome" as long as we drive separately. (By the way, if we have suddenly become independently wealthy, you have neglected to share that info with me, but since you haven't indicated thus I have to assume that we do still live in the "REAL" world where one has to pay one's own way....) [200 mile round trip. 8 gallons of gas. $25 for M's peace of mind or compared to the price of yet another hotel room for M or for the folks.... hmmm]
Never mind that I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep and have had a temp of 100 to 101 all day (not feeling like I want to make a 2 hour drive anywhere especially to somewhere I clearly was not wanted). [again, reading far more meaning into the words than she should have] Besides, after driving all over hell's half acre earlier this year, I'm not so much up for more solo road trips. I'm sure you don't understand that since you haven't ever been in a position to have to do that sort of thing yourself, therefore it probably just doesn't exist.
So.... to say this this day has not been one of my favorite days to have lived is to put it mildly.
Remember this...... always.....
I WILL NEVER EVER SPEND TIME IN MY HOUSE WITH Y0UR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT HERE. Got it?
This has been one of the most excruciatingly emotionally painful days in my entire life -- since your mother is everywhere (like the entire house belongs to her) it is extremely hard to stay out of her way and it is extremely clear that you don't want me around you in Bay City.... Tough times.
PS. Just so you know, I was really looking forward to these few days in Bay City as a respite from the past couple of months. [yeah, I figured it was all about "reconnecting" and getting closer, etc, etc.... Of course, that means I'd have to just forget all the stuff from the last few years -- while M can continue to remember and dredge up as she likes.... that's fair...] I'm pretty sure I do not like the fact that you took that away from me.
Enjoy your air conditioned comfort. As it was last your, it is going to be in the mid to upper 90s here Tues, Wed and maybe Thurs (so you will probably want to take your time getting home) and the upper 80s to low 90s through the weekend. THANKS SO MUCH.
Sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself and have the best ever conference.
From sis
emails:
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:43:07 -0400
I haven't heard from her today and I'm wondering if you have? Let me know if you get this and give me a call or email if you hear anything from her. If we don't then I guess I'll call her sometime Monday afternoon and see what is up.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 08:34:21 -0400
Got an email at 1:13 a.m. from her, she is pretty pissed off it seems. She did tell me not to come out as you had "uninvited" her on Saturday.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I finally heard from her.
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:43:07 -0400
I haven't heard from her today and I'm wondering if you have? Let me know if you get this and give me a call or email if you hear anything from her. If we don't then I guess I'll call her sometime Monday afternoon and see what is up.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 08:34:21 -0400
Got an email at 1:13 a.m. from her, she is pretty pissed off it seems. She did tell me not to come out as you had "uninvited" her on Saturday.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I finally heard from her.
7 voicemails
left by M last night. Actually they weren't too bad. Didn't sound too much under the influence. First messages were practical: water pump cycling on / off too much -- maybe a problem (left about 11:30P).
Others, later, went into, "Hope you're having a nice conference networking and all that...." about 3 times and 3 different ways.
Beyond that, it didn't deteriorate in the voicemails.... She did send a couple emails later in the night.
She is pretty pissed off at having to be "at home with YOUR parents by myself..."
Too bad, so sad.
Others, later, went into, "Hope you're having a nice conference networking and all that...." about 3 times and 3 different ways.
Beyond that, it didn't deteriorate in the voicemails.... She did send a couple emails later in the night.
She is pretty pissed off at having to be "at home with YOUR parents by myself..."
Too bad, so sad.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Me, today
I went to my meeting. Went to the brewpub. Picked up some snacks at the store. Went to coffee to read the paper and the Sunday ads, went back to the brewpub for supper, beer, and a growler for later.
Then, I took myself to the expensive strip club and enjoyed myself greatly. I try not to overindulge, nor to grudge it to myself.
I left M be and didn't hear from her at all, either. Likely will get some VM or texts overnight....
But, I just stayed solitary today and motored down after all the crap she's dished. Again.
Meantime, I continue to think toward move-out and setting up my apartment!!!
I suppose there is a slender, slender chance she'll pull some shit while I'm gone and move or travel... But, I doubt it. For her, the threat is all she'll make -- she won't follow through.
She may be just a bit blindsided soon.....
Then, I took myself to the expensive strip club and enjoyed myself greatly. I try not to overindulge, nor to grudge it to myself.
I left M be and didn't hear from her at all, either. Likely will get some VM or texts overnight....
But, I just stayed solitary today and motored down after all the crap she's dished. Again.
Meantime, I continue to think toward move-out and setting up my apartment!!!
I suppose there is a slender, slender chance she'll pull some shit while I'm gone and move or travel... But, I doubt it. For her, the threat is all she'll make -- she won't follow through.
She may be just a bit blindsided soon.....
M's sis today
Called M's sis today to warn her of M's terrible mood from all this -- thinking sis might hear from an aggravated M....
She appreciated the warning, but said something VERY TELLING. she hadn't heard anything by midafternoon, and "I'll probably hear from her later after she's had about a case of beer...."
Yipe. That makes sis, both her boys, and me that all notice the behavior and hate the drunk dialing!!
She appreciated the warning, but said something VERY TELLING. she hadn't heard anything by midafternoon, and "I'll probably hear from her later after she's had about a case of beer...."
Yipe. That makes sis, both her boys, and me that all notice the behavior and hate the drunk dialing!!
Last night
Got contentious. Imagine that. M had gone off with her sis to a movie and dinner late in the p.m.. Before she left, though, she noticed that I had cleaned up and changed. I didn't have particular plans.... Anyway, she said, "Are you going somewhere? " I said, "I don't know. I just was done being dirty." (I'd worked in the yard / garden, weeding and such, most of the day!!)
Anyway, she left. I got hungry. Asked my folks if they wanted to go get something to eat. Oh, and at some point, mom said something about D, my son, mentioning that if we had any chance of getting together to meet his g-friend (I thought an introduction might be in order before she runs my folks to the airport on Monday...) the best chance was probably Saturday evening. So, one thing led to another and we did end up making connections with D and his girl.... Had a nice dinner together at a local pub....
We weren't late... But shortly after she got home, M literally buttonholed me and said, "If you had plans, why didn't you just say so??!!!" and went on to accuse me of being misleading. I told her no such thing occurred. That there were no plans at the point at which I came down changed -- other than to get something to eat when hungry I suppose.....
She stalked off, and the episode made me pretty peeved. So, I ended up taking it right back up with her on the deck [omg, in earshot of my mother.... horrors!!] We went round a little, but she didn't want to get too out of hand in front of the folks.
Later, though, after the folks went to bed, she made another snippy remark about things, including wondering if she was even still invited to go to the conference with me this week.
Well, I DO / DID have some concerns. And, she keeps wanting me to COMMUNICATE and BE HONEST.... So, I tried that. Got interrupted repeatedly. Tried to tell her it was OK for her to go, but that I really was NOT comfortable driving together. Tried to get her to understand that my discomfort came from the last week and weeks before that of fighting, as well as recalling how irksome it was 3 or 4 years ago when M got pissed off at the conference people and drove herself home -- leaving me stranded. It wasn't totally onerous -- a brewpub was within walking distance -- but, still and all, I had NO WHEELS to take myself anywhere else I might have to.... and I had to beg a ride home....
She completely dismissed and devalued all that, because, "After all, I OFFERED to come back and pick you up....." and "It was a long time ago -- it shouldn't still bother you...."
yadayadayada
All I was trying to communicate was that I wanted us to drive separately. It's true, although unexpressed through words or attitude, that I would rather she didn't come.... but, I was trying to continue to be gracious. No surprise, she went on to turn that concern into "clearly, you are UNINVITING ME yet again...."
So, it just got more contentious from there. No matter how much I corrected her that it wasn't whether I wanted her to be at the conference, it was all about driving separately because of my feelings from the other time..... she persisted in making it an extreme negative.
She didn't settle down well last night. Woke up in a bad tenor. And yet, despite that, I told her one more time before leaving that it was OK for her to come up. Just call and let me know if she decided to do so....
So, I came up to my conference. And, frankly, I have deliberately left her alone. I didn't need the grief.
I mentioned to her sis that I was resisting the urge to call her again and tell her once more that it was ok to come up -- and sis said, "Sounds like you already said it a few times...."
Anyway, she left. I got hungry. Asked my folks if they wanted to go get something to eat. Oh, and at some point, mom said something about D, my son, mentioning that if we had any chance of getting together to meet his g-friend (I thought an introduction might be in order before she runs my folks to the airport on Monday...) the best chance was probably Saturday evening. So, one thing led to another and we did end up making connections with D and his girl.... Had a nice dinner together at a local pub....
We weren't late... But shortly after she got home, M literally buttonholed me and said, "If you had plans, why didn't you just say so??!!!" and went on to accuse me of being misleading. I told her no such thing occurred. That there were no plans at the point at which I came down changed -- other than to get something to eat when hungry I suppose.....
She stalked off, and the episode made me pretty peeved. So, I ended up taking it right back up with her on the deck [omg, in earshot of my mother.... horrors!!] We went round a little, but she didn't want to get too out of hand in front of the folks.
Later, though, after the folks went to bed, she made another snippy remark about things, including wondering if she was even still invited to go to the conference with me this week.
Well, I DO / DID have some concerns. And, she keeps wanting me to COMMUNICATE and BE HONEST.... So, I tried that. Got interrupted repeatedly. Tried to tell her it was OK for her to go, but that I really was NOT comfortable driving together. Tried to get her to understand that my discomfort came from the last week and weeks before that of fighting, as well as recalling how irksome it was 3 or 4 years ago when M got pissed off at the conference people and drove herself home -- leaving me stranded. It wasn't totally onerous -- a brewpub was within walking distance -- but, still and all, I had NO WHEELS to take myself anywhere else I might have to.... and I had to beg a ride home....
She completely dismissed and devalued all that, because, "After all, I OFFERED to come back and pick you up....." and "It was a long time ago -- it shouldn't still bother you...."
yadayadayada
All I was trying to communicate was that I wanted us to drive separately. It's true, although unexpressed through words or attitude, that I would rather she didn't come.... but, I was trying to continue to be gracious. No surprise, she went on to turn that concern into "clearly, you are UNINVITING ME yet again...."
So, it just got more contentious from there. No matter how much I corrected her that it wasn't whether I wanted her to be at the conference, it was all about driving separately because of my feelings from the other time..... she persisted in making it an extreme negative.
She didn't settle down well last night. Woke up in a bad tenor. And yet, despite that, I told her one more time before leaving that it was OK for her to come up. Just call and let me know if she decided to do so....
So, I came up to my conference. And, frankly, I have deliberately left her alone. I didn't need the grief.
I mentioned to her sis that I was resisting the urge to call her again and tell her once more that it was ok to come up -- and sis said, "Sounds like you already said it a few times...."
Saturday, July 28, 2007
moving toward moving on
Well, I got the apartment key. Took a quick look about. Starting to make lists of things to pick up.
Talked with her sis yesterday about the impending change...... just to give her a decent heads-up. She's not surprised, and as with others, has wondered what's taken so long.
Guess we'll see what we see as we see it!
Talked with her sis yesterday about the impending change...... just to give her a decent heads-up. She's not surprised, and as with others, has wondered what's taken so long.
Guess we'll see what we see as we see it!
Now she's trying to play nice
I suppose it's because my folks will be gone soon..... She apologized for this week about 3 times last night. I know she's trying to engage me in "relationship discussions", but she still doesn't try to do that when entirely sober. I've told her many times I won't do those discussions unless we are both absolutely sober and sober-minded.
She's identified the "trigger" from her perspective. Monday I came home from work and "had an attitude and were totally withdrawn...."
"You know I always react badly when you withdraw"
I again explained that the biggest part of what was going on was that I was not feeling well. Felt quite ill, as I recall. That just resulted in a diatribe about "How tired I am about hearing about you feeling lousy, having a virus or whatever. Go to the damn doctor."
I wanted to respond that Monday, regardless, (and esp once she knew I hadn't felt well) was hardly an excuse for 4 nights of acting out.
Anyway, even though she was drinking, she stayed civil last night. I think she kind of wanted to move toward more friendly terms, but I definitely was a little standoffish about that.
About dusk, she wondered about lighting a fire in the firepit. We did. Spent a pleasant hour or so out there. I finally got sleepy... and I was trying to get away before anything unpleasant arose..... So, I politely took myself off to bed by 10:30 or so.
She didn't disturb me to mention, so I got the first good night's sleep of this week.
She's identified the "trigger" from her perspective. Monday I came home from work and "had an attitude and were totally withdrawn...."
"You know I always react badly when you withdraw"
I again explained that the biggest part of what was going on was that I was not feeling well. Felt quite ill, as I recall. That just resulted in a diatribe about "How tired I am about hearing about you feeling lousy, having a virus or whatever. Go to the damn doctor."
I wanted to respond that Monday, regardless, (and esp once she knew I hadn't felt well) was hardly an excuse for 4 nights of acting out.
Anyway, even though she was drinking, she stayed civil last night. I think she kind of wanted to move toward more friendly terms, but I definitely was a little standoffish about that.
About dusk, she wondered about lighting a fire in the firepit. We did. Spent a pleasant hour or so out there. I finally got sleepy... and I was trying to get away before anything unpleasant arose..... So, I politely took myself off to bed by 10:30 or so.
She didn't disturb me to mention, so I got the first good night's sleep of this week.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Lease is signed
Well, I stopped on my way in today and signed the lease on the apartment. Could be a waste of money at some point, but it's nice to have a safe place I am headed to at last.
Incremental steps. Secret and quiet.... Set up, go. No discussions. No bargain. This is under MY control, at last.
Incremental steps. Secret and quiet.... Set up, go. No discussions. No bargain. This is under MY control, at last.
Email from midnightish
Envelope-to: lsell@msu.edu
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 00:48:56 -0400
Subject: ????
I have NOT heard from you for weeks and weeks anything that remotely resembles anything that remotely sounds like I LOVE YOU. Bad sign. Really bad sign.
All I have heard is how awful I am in trying to stay out of your parents' way. How has that become such a HUGE ISSUE? Your family is more than welcome here. My not being here should not ever be an issue, ever. I simply do NOT UNDERSTAND what is the big deal????
Yes, we were all close a few years ago, but I cannot explain what has happened nor do I have any answers to your questions that you can understand or listen to. I am very sorry for that. i THOUGHT (silly me) that we had made a commitment to one another,barring outside stuff, because I believed WE were IMPORTANT but apparently I am once again totally clueless
Sorry I sincerely believed that we were back on the right track this spring. Clearly I was wrong, eh?
Would that I could go back and intervene in that brief, almost non-conversation, that occurred between you and your mother, without any thought of including me.... or that you had had the consideration to include me.... and which I had to pull up from a distant memory (because I WAS TRYING to get ready to go on a rare vacation with you)to even be able to question you about specific details..... which you didn't know at the time any details hen I asked questions nd you put be off... as usual.
I feel like I am always wrong and I cannot envision a scenario where I would ever be right..... or listened to sincerely.... or ever be acknowledged as being right, or being an intelligent human being with a fully functional brain .,... Funny how when the truth hits too close too home that you close down.
Why is that? Maybe , just maybe, ....... you are too used to being always right. HELLO... I AM NOT JUST A BLOND BIMBO (such as Maggie said you would choose and deserve). I am sure you are unaware that I am an intelligent human being, actually quite intelligent, and that, perhaps, you have become so accustomed to having your own way that you have no capacity to step outside yourself and see any other point of view,.....Sad for someone who does what you do to make a living. Good luck.
Never forget, lest you have already forgotten, I love you. I doubt that you can say that to me and really be truthful and really have it come from your heart. Time's passed. Ya know?
l/m, as always
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 00:48:56 -0400
Subject: ????
I have NOT heard from you for weeks and weeks anything that remotely resembles anything that remotely sounds like I LOVE YOU. Bad sign. Really bad sign.
All I have heard is how awful I am in trying to stay out of your parents' way. How has that become such a HUGE ISSUE? Your family is more than welcome here. My not being here should not ever be an issue, ever. I simply do NOT UNDERSTAND what is the big deal????
Yes, we were all close a few years ago, but I cannot explain what has happened nor do I have any answers to your questions that you can understand or listen to. I am very sorry for that. i THOUGHT (silly me) that we had made a commitment to one another,barring outside stuff, because I believed WE were IMPORTANT but apparently I am once again totally clueless
Sorry I sincerely believed that we were back on the right track this spring. Clearly I was wrong, eh?
Would that I could go back and intervene in that brief, almost non-conversation, that occurred between you and your mother, without any thought of including me.... or that you had had the consideration to include me.... and which I had to pull up from a distant memory (because I WAS TRYING to get ready to go on a rare vacation with you)to even be able to question you about specific details..... which you didn't know at the time any details hen I asked questions nd you put be off... as usual.
I feel like I am always wrong and I cannot envision a scenario where I would ever be right..... or listened to sincerely.... or ever be acknowledged as being right, or being an intelligent human being with a fully functional brain .,... Funny how when the truth hits too close too home that you close down.
Why is that? Maybe , just maybe, ....... you are too used to being always right. HELLO... I AM NOT JUST A BLOND BIMBO (such as Maggie said you would choose and deserve). I am sure you are unaware that I am an intelligent human being, actually quite intelligent, and that, perhaps, you have become so accustomed to having your own way that you have no capacity to step outside yourself and see any other point of view,.....Sad for someone who does what you do to make a living. Good luck.
Never forget, lest you have already forgotten, I love you. I doubt that you can say that to me and really be truthful and really have it come from your heart. Time's passed. Ya know?
l/m, as always
Last night
She spun out of control again. Not as bad as sometimes.
Went round a bit, even though I kept tellilng her I wasn't going to engage in it....
One of the outrageous statement/questions was when she asked (clearly under the usual influences) "So, when do I need to be moved OUT of here...." and, "I'll be damned (or something) if I'll let YOU move closer to work and leave me out here in the middle of nowhere!!"
yadayadayada.
She also started in about her fibro -- not recognizing that she causes her own stress which exacerbates her conditions, including the fibro!!
Anyway, I got to sleep in the living room. And, she still did things that disturbed my sleep (midnight search for her cat, whom she had scared.....). At one point, I thought she'd finally fallen off to sleep with the lights on.... went upstairs to put myself in the guest room....
But, she was in the den writing me a lovely message.... See next entry.
Went round a bit, even though I kept tellilng her I wasn't going to engage in it....
One of the outrageous statement/questions was when she asked (clearly under the usual influences) "So, when do I need to be moved OUT of here...." and, "I'll be damned (or something) if I'll let YOU move closer to work and leave me out here in the middle of nowhere!!"
yadayadayada.
She also started in about her fibro -- not recognizing that she causes her own stress which exacerbates her conditions, including the fibro!!
Anyway, I got to sleep in the living room. And, she still did things that disturbed my sleep (midnight search for her cat, whom she had scared.....). At one point, I thought she'd finally fallen off to sleep with the lights on.... went upstairs to put myself in the guest room....
But, she was in the den writing me a lovely message.... See next entry.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Well, here goes?!
With a little doubt and trepidation, I have planned / arranged to meet the landlord tomorrow to sign a lease.
Lots tells me it's for the best. Parts of me are very reluctant.
Put out affirmative thoughts for me.
Lots tells me it's for the best. Parts of me are very reluctant.
Put out affirmative thoughts for me.
She's continuning to act out
and try to provoke me. This time the provocation was her incensement at my g-daughter messing about the pond, contrary to what M told me.... (she found a picture on the digital camera)... Pissed her off. "You don't listen to anything I say. Nothing I say means anything to you...."
Then, "So, when is my drop dead date for moving my ass out" (she's thinking she's moving out??!! )
Later, after a few more beers, more attempts at provocation.
I parried most of them. Didn't get too worked up or pissed off back at her.
Humph!
Now, she's been on her phone a while to her sis, carrying on about her travails no doubt.
Then, "So, when is my drop dead date for moving my ass out" (she's thinking she's moving out??!! )
Later, after a few more beers, more attempts at provocation.
I parried most of them. Didn't get too worked up or pissed off back at her.
Humph!
Now, she's been on her phone a while to her sis, carrying on about her travails no doubt.
Feedback this a.m.
I have a couple of intuitive friends that have been great during this transitional period. My massage therapist has been lightly encouraging me to move on... And, I have an intuitive counselor that I called this a.m. as well.
She indicated that the only thing she picked up from my (potential)landlord, was a tendency for him to try to cheat on the money / damage / deposit stuff a bit. Just advised I make sure the lease and understandings were all in writing as they should be. Otherwise, she seemed to think that now is a good time to make the move (actually, truth be told, she expected me and advised it happen some time ago.... )
I did mention that an astrologer had warned me about personal safety issues with M if things went sour or toward a break-up of the relationship....
She said, "Absolutely take care about that. Very strong vibe to be cautious" She also thought I should be very careful of my physical safety once this starts coming down.
I also mentioned that I had needed to get to a point of knowing with certainty that this relationship, as a primary / partnership / marital like relationship was over and done, and done for all time.... as I think it is.
But, that I was open, practically, to other relationship constructs as required. She cautioned that I would need to be VERY black and white. Very certain. Not give any mixed signals about the future and the possibility of a renewed primary relationship.
"You're a nice guy and willing to help, but don't get caught up in it or let yourself get taken advantage of further."
She also assured me that mom can take care of her own if M confronts her in some nasty manner
She indicated that the only thing she picked up from my (potential)landlord, was a tendency for him to try to cheat on the money / damage / deposit stuff a bit. Just advised I make sure the lease and understandings were all in writing as they should be. Otherwise, she seemed to think that now is a good time to make the move (actually, truth be told, she expected me and advised it happen some time ago.... )
I did mention that an astrologer had warned me about personal safety issues with M if things went sour or toward a break-up of the relationship....
She said, "Absolutely take care about that. Very strong vibe to be cautious" She also thought I should be very careful of my physical safety once this starts coming down.
I also mentioned that I had needed to get to a point of knowing with certainty that this relationship, as a primary / partnership / marital like relationship was over and done, and done for all time.... as I think it is.
But, that I was open, practically, to other relationship constructs as required. She cautioned that I would need to be VERY black and white. Very certain. Not give any mixed signals about the future and the possibility of a renewed primary relationship.
"You're a nice guy and willing to help, but don't get caught up in it or let yourself get taken advantage of further."
She also assured me that mom can take care of her own if M confronts her in some nasty manner
Seems like my mind is nearly made up
Here's a message exchange I've had with a friend yesterday/today:
That's actually what got me to look in the paper yesterday. The place I had my eye on ended up having been let.
I have needed to be as certain as I can within that I did all I could (I have).
My other reluctance, I know, is rooted in rescue reactions and co-dependency.
Nothing healthy there!!
Somewhat related to the co-dependence is a pragmatic attempt to make
sure the timing is right within several different cycles. For instance, I didn't
really choose to do this in the winter because of her SAD exacerbating
everything else. This summer, I've hosted my parents, soon leaving....
And we have a craft business together that needs to go into production
in mid-Fall for the Fall / Xmas show season. (not critical that I be involved,
but I suspect once the dust settles and she gets civil and real (IF) that
she'll want me to assist with that.... but it's fine with me if I don't!!
Anyway, bottom line is that a change of living arrangement in August is
probably about the right timing....
I've been resisting doing what's best for ME, I know that. Again, that
has to change, and the only way to change it is to for one of us
to be elsewhere.
Hmmmm... sure sounds like I'm talking myself clearly toward one direction
here.... /Pop
Yeah, I do know the drill...but you have been thinking about this for along time and what happens if the apartment is no longer available when you finally decide "it is time?" I am a firmer believer that when it
That's actually what got me to look in the paper yesterday. The place I had my eye on ended up having been let.
is time to get out things pretty much fall into place. What fear is holding you back from making the decision that you know you must make to be finally get your peace of mind back? Fear of Loneliness..heck you are alone now, even though you aren't. Financially you are able to make it. So take
I have needed to be as certain as I can within that I did all I could (I have).
My other reluctance, I know, is rooted in rescue reactions and co-dependency.
Nothing healthy there!!
Somewhat related to the co-dependence is a pragmatic attempt to make
sure the timing is right within several different cycles. For instance, I didn't
really choose to do this in the winter because of her SAD exacerbating
everything else. This summer, I've hosted my parents, soon leaving....
And we have a craft business together that needs to go into production
in mid-Fall for the Fall / Xmas show season. (not critical that I be involved,
but I suspect once the dust settles and she gets civil and real (IF) that
she'll want me to assist with that.... but it's fine with me if I don't!!
Anyway, bottom line is that a change of living arrangement in August is
probably about the right timing....
a deep long look at what is keeping you stuck from doing what is truly best for you? She can obviously take care of herself. I'm not telling you to go. I'm not telling you to stay. I'm telling you to do what you think is best to take care of yourself the way you need to.
I've been resisting doing what's best for ME, I know that. Again, that
has to change, and the only way to change it is to for one of us
to be elsewhere.
Hmmmm... sure sounds like I'm talking myself clearly toward one direction
here.... /Pop
I'm here for you hun. Let me know what's going on in that head of yours.
Last night made me tired too, and now I'm ticked off
She fooled me. Again.
The early evening was nondescript. No big deals. Typical light conversations.
But, as per the Double Standards entry, she eventually engaged in a typical withdrawal.
I left her to it. Didn't actually worry about it. And, I'm just not very willing to try to draw her out of the withdrawn places anymore, particularly when she has been drinking -- which is usually the case when things are strained or anxious or whatever....
Anyway, I actually made the mistake of thinking she'd tried to be courteous and unobtrusive.
BUT, just after 11p, I realized she had turned the movie off and put the news on. So, there was hope for going to bed normally.... silly me to think THAT!
Not long after I went upstairs, M says, "So did you like tonight better than last night?"
Of course, I should have seen it for the loaded question it was... But, instead I answered, "Yes. did you?"
Well, that resulted in a light round of pissy talk from her. Mostly centered around, "You know, we can't fix anything if we don't communicate. And there is an 800 pound gorilla sitting in this house...." Etc, etc.
I expressed my lack of willingness to engage in any discussion at 11:20 at night. She said "I'm not trying to start anything...."
Then, her words heated up some more and she continued a bit further.
After a moment and a pause, I just said, "Is this your version of "not starting anything"?"
That mostly shut her up. She rolled over to go to sleep. Made a few more remarks..... finally passed out or went to sleep....
I took some valerian and watched 15 minutes more TV to finish settling down.
I didn't rise to her bait, but it's still disturbing.....
BUT, if I rent this apartment I have on the line.... I mightn't have to put up with this stuff much longer!!
The early evening was nondescript. No big deals. Typical light conversations.
But, as per the Double Standards entry, she eventually engaged in a typical withdrawal.
I left her to it. Didn't actually worry about it. And, I'm just not very willing to try to draw her out of the withdrawn places anymore, particularly when she has been drinking -- which is usually the case when things are strained or anxious or whatever....
Anyway, I actually made the mistake of thinking she'd tried to be courteous and unobtrusive.
BUT, just after 11p, I realized she had turned the movie off and put the news on. So, there was hope for going to bed normally.... silly me to think THAT!
Not long after I went upstairs, M says, "So did you like tonight better than last night?"
Of course, I should have seen it for the loaded question it was... But, instead I answered, "Yes. did you?"
Well, that resulted in a light round of pissy talk from her. Mostly centered around, "You know, we can't fix anything if we don't communicate. And there is an 800 pound gorilla sitting in this house...." Etc, etc.
I expressed my lack of willingness to engage in any discussion at 11:20 at night. She said "I'm not trying to start anything...."
Then, her words heated up some more and she continued a bit further.
After a moment and a pause, I just said, "Is this your version of "not starting anything"?"
That mostly shut her up. She rolled over to go to sleep. Made a few more remarks..... finally passed out or went to sleep....
I took some valerian and watched 15 minutes more TV to finish settling down.
I didn't rise to her bait, but it's still disturbing.....
BUT, if I rent this apartment I have on the line.... I mightn't have to put up with this stuff much longer!!
Yoda
After the go-rounds Tuesday night, and the "Who's leaving, you or me" "Do you want me out tonight, or is this weekend OK" kinds of comments, (rejecting & attacking & projecting before I might do the same....)
She left this note overnight:
"Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." He might have said "You are together or your are not. There is no coming together sometimes. Choose the one. There is no sometimes." or something like that. " L/M
Good old "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me" push-pull behaviors.....
She left this note overnight:
"Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." He might have said "You are together or your are not. There is no coming together sometimes. Choose the one. There is no sometimes." or something like that. " L/M
Good old "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me" push-pull behaviors.....
Little tired, and a little pissed off (review of Tuesday night)
That's how I'm feeling so far this a.m..
Let's just review my last two "evenings at home", shall we.
Monday evening I recall neutrally.
Tuesday evening, though, as you may gather from a previous post, was egregious. I felt as if M was a powderkeg, and with my current work troubles -- and the challenge I am having in being fully productive because of all the sh** I have on my mind all the time with living with and coping with her -- I deliberately did NOT call her during the day. I just didn't want my head messed up...
Oh, but I forget, the nasty tenor that ensued was MY FAULT so I was told that night. You see, I left Tuesday a.m. with the comment, pleasantly expressed, "See you when I get home after work." Perfectly civil, courteous, pleasant... or so I thought.
But apparently, SHE read into that, "Don't call me; I'm not bothering to invite you to lunch or coffee or anything today; Don't bother me; Don't expect to see / talk to me until after work." At least that's what I got out of the diatribes that ensued Tuesday night. She really resented that I didn't make any invite or call at all during the day.
Oh, and my personal favorite interchange was when she recalled that I hadn't been feeling well (and I had told her that part of the reason I hadn't made much contact on Monday was feeling physically very lousy -- some damn virus again, exacerbated of course...)
She said, "You know, you said you haven't been feeling well. I think it's STRESS. "
Well, hello...... I started to say, "Well, it's both. I know when I have a virus.... and it's made me feel pretty lousy... but, yes, it's definitely been exacerbated by stre..."
and she interrupts me. She often / usually does. Her conversation style is interruptive. She thinks it's a typically feminine style, but I think it's more interruptive and rude than average.... Anyway, she interrupted and went off on her tangents and her tear.... I don't even recall the detail of it....
But, here's the best part. Before long she was complaining about how, "The only couple of times I've tried to talk to you in front of your mother, SHE'S INTERRUPTED and rolled right over the top of me...." "That's just rude and inconsiderate!" (and, apparently, more proof of my mother's dislike and disrespect, I guess).
I finally pointed out that such was exactly the same communication style as M has.... But, somehow that's different.
When she settled some, she also wanted me to clarify to my folks that M's daytime trips out of the house are "pretty normal". "After all, up until I had to clean the house for a month, I was trying to get out and be somewhere around people every day or two. So you need to make clear to your mother that I'm not doing that to avoid being around them."
OK, sure. I'll tell her..... but she and I and anyone rational will understand M is just fooling herself and rationalizing her behaviors.
Anyway, as the evening went on, M got worse, more angry and dysphoric. I touched on that in other entries. I nearly had to leave the house, again. She threatened to change the locks, etc, etc.
It was 11:30p plus before I was able to settle and go to sleep.... and she was troubled enough in her sleeping to bother me, I think... So, it wasn't very restful.
I did make a point, toward morning, or caressing her waist and later, lightly cuddling her. I though it might be a welcome show of caring.... but I was mistaken. I'll explain in a subsequent entry.
Let's just review my last two "evenings at home", shall we.
Monday evening I recall neutrally.
Tuesday evening, though, as you may gather from a previous post, was egregious. I felt as if M was a powderkeg, and with my current work troubles -- and the challenge I am having in being fully productive because of all the sh** I have on my mind all the time with living with and coping with her -- I deliberately did NOT call her during the day. I just didn't want my head messed up...
Oh, but I forget, the nasty tenor that ensued was MY FAULT so I was told that night. You see, I left Tuesday a.m. with the comment, pleasantly expressed, "See you when I get home after work." Perfectly civil, courteous, pleasant... or so I thought.
But apparently, SHE read into that, "Don't call me; I'm not bothering to invite you to lunch or coffee or anything today; Don't bother me; Don't expect to see / talk to me until after work." At least that's what I got out of the diatribes that ensued Tuesday night. She really resented that I didn't make any invite or call at all during the day.
Oh, and my personal favorite interchange was when she recalled that I hadn't been feeling well (and I had told her that part of the reason I hadn't made much contact on Monday was feeling physically very lousy -- some damn virus again, exacerbated of course...)
She said, "You know, you said you haven't been feeling well. I think it's STRESS. "
Well, hello...... I started to say, "Well, it's both. I know when I have a virus.... and it's made me feel pretty lousy... but, yes, it's definitely been exacerbated by stre..."
and she interrupts me. She often / usually does. Her conversation style is interruptive. She thinks it's a typically feminine style, but I think it's more interruptive and rude than average.... Anyway, she interrupted and went off on her tangents and her tear.... I don't even recall the detail of it....
But, here's the best part. Before long she was complaining about how, "The only couple of times I've tried to talk to you in front of your mother, SHE'S INTERRUPTED and rolled right over the top of me...." "That's just rude and inconsiderate!" (and, apparently, more proof of my mother's dislike and disrespect, I guess).
I finally pointed out that such was exactly the same communication style as M has.... But, somehow that's different.
When she settled some, she also wanted me to clarify to my folks that M's daytime trips out of the house are "pretty normal". "After all, up until I had to clean the house for a month, I was trying to get out and be somewhere around people every day or two. So you need to make clear to your mother that I'm not doing that to avoid being around them."
OK, sure. I'll tell her..... but she and I and anyone rational will understand M is just fooling herself and rationalizing her behaviors.
Anyway, as the evening went on, M got worse, more angry and dysphoric. I touched on that in other entries. I nearly had to leave the house, again. She threatened to change the locks, etc, etc.
It was 11:30p plus before I was able to settle and go to sleep.... and she was troubled enough in her sleeping to bother me, I think... So, it wasn't very restful.
I did make a point, toward morning, or caressing her waist and later, lightly cuddling her. I though it might be a welcome show of caring.... but I was mistaken. I'll explain in a subsequent entry.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Double standards
I get tired of the double standard that applies when you live with a BPD person. Tonight, for instance, I made a point of being entirely friendly / affable when I got home (tried to call twice over the day -- doing my duty)..... Things were civil / friendly enough.
But, she eventually took herself inside to read, leaving the deck without a word...
Actually, what really struck me, though, was that I noticed she'd found the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on one of the movie channels. I joined her and watched it (she watched/listened/read).... When that movie was over, she did a bit of guide checking.... then put the channel back on where some other "mystery" movie was starting..... which I assumed SHE wanted to watch...
Buuuuuttttt, after a while, I realized she had taken herself upstairs. Again, without a word. At least, not until she had a little trouble with the DVD set up in the bedroom....
After I assisted, she had a movie on, volume loud -- I was kinda figuring I'd have to start out sleeping downstairs.
So, let's see if I get this. It's OK if SHE'S rude to me, leaves without a word, etc... but what would happen if I did that?? We know, don't we.
But, she eventually took herself inside to read, leaving the deck without a word...
Actually, what really struck me, though, was that I noticed she'd found the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on one of the movie channels. I joined her and watched it (she watched/listened/read).... When that movie was over, she did a bit of guide checking.... then put the channel back on where some other "mystery" movie was starting..... which I assumed SHE wanted to watch...
Buuuuuttttt, after a while, I realized she had taken herself upstairs. Again, without a word. At least, not until she had a little trouble with the DVD set up in the bedroom....
After I assisted, she had a movie on, volume loud -- I was kinda figuring I'd have to start out sleeping downstairs.
So, let's see if I get this. It's OK if SHE'S rude to me, leaves without a word, etc... but what would happen if I did that?? We know, don't we.
The drinking and the induced dysprhoria
that occur regularly really has come to bother me.
Last night, there was a full 12 pack of beer in the fridge, PLUS numerous other cans. But, M was up much of the night. Unresponsive today (landline phone still off hook!). And, who knows when she started today....
but there are maybe 6 cans of beer now... and she's in her usual negative space. I'm trying not to let it stick to me, though!!
Last night, there was a full 12 pack of beer in the fridge, PLUS numerous other cans. But, M was up much of the night. Unresponsive today (landline phone still off hook!). And, who knows when she started today....
but there are maybe 6 cans of beer now... and she's in her usual negative space. I'm trying not to let it stick to me, though!!
May be decision time
I've walked up to the line a couple times. I don't know how I can really turn down the opportunity in front of me though. It's been plain for some time that it's done. This relationship can't work out or continue as it is.
I have just been trying quite hard not to be too reactive, too ??? too soon.
But, inside, I know what's what.
I just looked at a relatively roomy 1BR apartment that's FURNISHED!! In the small town 10 minutes away from my house..... Furnished!! For $600 per month. The landlord, a local dentist (kinda odd looking, but nice guy I think) even agreed to a month to month -- provided I pay an extra $200 in my deposit to cover his advertising cost if the place gets vacated again too soon. That's not unreasonable.
The furnishings are OK. Nothing great, nothing awful. Large old sectional. Couple big end tables. Some stuff that doesn't need to be there. I think there was a DR table and chairs, and there is a bed in the bedroom. Lousy mattress.... (wonder if I could get him to let me replace the mattress instead of paying the $200....)
Anyway, this might be it. I don't know why I even have any doubts. I know this is the direction things have to go.
Maybe I should stop fooling myself, stop putting it off, and get on with it. Not such a high cost I can't manage it, even if I have to handle much of the house expenses too....
hmmmmmmmm
I have just been trying quite hard not to be too reactive, too ??? too soon.
But, inside, I know what's what.
I just looked at a relatively roomy 1BR apartment that's FURNISHED!! In the small town 10 minutes away from my house..... Furnished!! For $600 per month. The landlord, a local dentist (kinda odd looking, but nice guy I think) even agreed to a month to month -- provided I pay an extra $200 in my deposit to cover his advertising cost if the place gets vacated again too soon. That's not unreasonable.
The furnishings are OK. Nothing great, nothing awful. Large old sectional. Couple big end tables. Some stuff that doesn't need to be there. I think there was a DR table and chairs, and there is a bed in the bedroom. Lousy mattress.... (wonder if I could get him to let me replace the mattress instead of paying the $200....)
Anyway, this might be it. I don't know why I even have any doubts. I know this is the direction things have to go.
Maybe I should stop fooling myself, stop putting it off, and get on with it. Not such a high cost I can't manage it, even if I have to handle much of the house expenses too....
hmmmmmmmm
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
what an evening she can make it
Well, what an awful evening she's made this. No surprise.
I came home, and admittedly, I didn't call her today -- didn't take a chance on my mood getting sour or mixing negatively with her over the phone. Frankly, she didn't seem all that warm and caring when I left this a.m.....
Got home, went out to the deck BEFORE changing clothes and asked nicey, "What did you do with yourself today?"
"Just watered plants....."
Shortly thereafter, keeping in mind her sinus infection and her offense that I "asked nothing about my Dr appointment yesterday" per her note left last night....
I said, "How are you feeling?"
"Depressed" she said emphatically. Later, she related
"I didn't get out of bed and shower until 3:00 today"
Later, after a little food, she asked, "So what is going on?"
(she feels I'm ignoring / avoiding her. Avoiding -- maybe -- mostly trying to avoid setting anything off -- as if that's possible with a BP person....)
Degenerated from there. She kept drinking. Got more upset. More reruns of past events and feelings. Several attempts by me to stop having the negative interaction.
When she was really out of control, I finally said I had to leave if she didn't stop. She threatened to change the locks. "It's OVER if you leave...." "You can make that threat...."
Anyway, a further round (fortunately I had limited myself to 2 beers), and she was pissed to high heaven again -- "threw" me out of the bedroom, so to speak. "Sleep downstairs. THIS is MY room tonight."
She never did succeed in totally provoking me. She did come down and apologize and say, "You can sleep upstairs if you like... but don't complain about the light or the TV"
Wow, there's an offer.... So sad.
But, she finally settled down for the most part.
I came home, and admittedly, I didn't call her today -- didn't take a chance on my mood getting sour or mixing negatively with her over the phone. Frankly, she didn't seem all that warm and caring when I left this a.m.....
Got home, went out to the deck BEFORE changing clothes and asked nicey, "What did you do with yourself today?"
"Just watered plants....."
Shortly thereafter, keeping in mind her sinus infection and her offense that I "asked nothing about my Dr appointment yesterday" per her note left last night....
I said, "How are you feeling?"
"Depressed" she said emphatically. Later, she related
"I didn't get out of bed and shower until 3:00 today"
Later, after a little food, she asked, "So what is going on?"
(she feels I'm ignoring / avoiding her. Avoiding -- maybe -- mostly trying to avoid setting anything off -- as if that's possible with a BP person....)
Degenerated from there. She kept drinking. Got more upset. More reruns of past events and feelings. Several attempts by me to stop having the negative interaction.
When she was really out of control, I finally said I had to leave if she didn't stop. She threatened to change the locks. "It's OVER if you leave...." "You can make that threat...."
Anyway, a further round (fortunately I had limited myself to 2 beers), and she was pissed to high heaven again -- "threw" me out of the bedroom, so to speak. "Sleep downstairs. THIS is MY room tonight."
She never did succeed in totally provoking me. She did come down and apologize and say, "You can sleep upstairs if you like... but don't complain about the light or the TV"
Wow, there's an offer.... So sad.
But, she finally settled down for the most part.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Funny
how history and actions set us up for certain expectations.
I am absolutely amazed that M just popped into the living room and asked if I could drop a dvd off to her sister.
Nothing unpleasant. Or cranky.
I'm reading #7 of Harry Potter, so she's actually tending to leave me be without a lot of attitude about being occupied (she just finished it early this evening and handed it over.)
I am absolutely amazed that M just popped into the living room and asked if I could drop a dvd off to her sister.
Nothing unpleasant. Or cranky.
I'm reading #7 of Harry Potter, so she's actually tending to leave me be without a lot of attitude about being occupied (she just finished it early this evening and handed it over.)
Hmmmm
A bit ago M drifted into the living room, grabbed the Harry Potter dvds without a word, and headed back upstairs.
I wondered if she wanted to watch one, and expected she'd probably get annoyed at the set up in the bedroom and need some assistance.... but didn't hear a word, and now I hear one of her usual shows on (cooking channel, Emeril maybe. Female porn, I call it).
Few more minutes passed, and she was down here and popped a bag of micro popcorn. Again, not a word. Got another glass of wine....
Of course, I'm not about to say much myself....
Just too typical after, what nearly 2 bottles of wine.... I figure she's at an ornery state of mind, now. No surprise, that.
I wondered if she wanted to watch one, and expected she'd probably get annoyed at the set up in the bedroom and need some assistance.... but didn't hear a word, and now I hear one of her usual shows on (cooking channel, Emeril maybe. Female porn, I call it).
Few more minutes passed, and she was down here and popped a bag of micro popcorn. Again, not a word. Got another glass of wine....
Of course, I'm not about to say much myself....
Just too typical after, what nearly 2 bottles of wine.... I figure she's at an ornery state of mind, now. No surprise, that.
Looked like more of the usual
at home. But, not too bad yet.... We'll see.
By the time I got home, M had at least a large glass of wine under her belt. By 8:30ish, she'd opened the next bottle.
One crabby comment. Otherwise, nondescript conversation (lots of her yammering about nothing).
Of course, I am concerned about induced dysphoria.
Me, I'm feeling physically lousy -- gut trouble. Some virus. Some anxiety, no doubt.
Yuck.
By the time I got home, M had at least a large glass of wine under her belt. By 8:30ish, she'd opened the next bottle.
One crabby comment. Otherwise, nondescript conversation (lots of her yammering about nothing).
Of course, I am concerned about induced dysphoria.
Me, I'm feeling physically lousy -- gut trouble. Some virus. Some anxiety, no doubt.
Yuck.
Been a weird day
I started out just thinking my head was a little messed up today. And, it is, somewhat. I can definitely say I'm not looking forward to this week with M. Too much conflict for too long to make me feel comfortable with having her in my face for the next 4 nights. And, then accompanying me to a conference nearby while my folks finish their time here on their own.
And, I'm really, really entertaining the notion of renting the little house I found less than 10 minutes drive from our current house..... I'm real tired of the chaos and conflict.
To the point of beginning to shop for basic, make-do furnishings.....
OTOH, in addition to my head being a little screwed, I have come to realize that again, today, I feel physically lousy. My guts have been fussy all day. Might be food from yesterday. I was a little doubtful about the steak last night (cooked it myself.... but, doubts anyway)....
Don't know -- more likely just this virus I've had taking another turn at kicking my butt a bit -- just in time for me to have to go home and deal with M. Yipe!!
And, I'm really, really entertaining the notion of renting the little house I found less than 10 minutes drive from our current house..... I'm real tired of the chaos and conflict.
To the point of beginning to shop for basic, make-do furnishings.....
OTOH, in addition to my head being a little screwed, I have come to realize that again, today, I feel physically lousy. My guts have been fussy all day. Might be food from yesterday. I was a little doubtful about the steak last night (cooked it myself.... but, doubts anyway)....
Don't know -- more likely just this virus I've had taking another turn at kicking my butt a bit -- just in time for me to have to go home and deal with M. Yipe!!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
What I want home to be:
A very very very calming place that is my home. No drama, no
chaos, just peace and quiet.
Home should be a refuge.
A place where family and friends are always welcome.
I don't see how my home can be all that, AND have a BPD person in it constantly stirring up chaos and creating drama.
That just does not compute, does it.
chaos, just peace and quiet.
Home should be a refuge.
A place where family and friends are always welcome.
I don't see how my home can be all that, AND have a BPD person in it constantly stirring up chaos and creating drama.
That just does not compute, does it.
What a mixture of messages
M called me this a.m.. Cordial enough. She wanted to double check on my folks' plans to be at my other brother's house this week. (They're leaving tomorrow and will be back either Friday night, or Saturday...). I told M that whether they stay away Friday night is dependent on a hotel room opening up in the small town they'll be at on Friday.
Amazingly, M says, "Well, I kind of feel like your mom is trying to avoid being around when I'm there. She shouldn't feel like they have to go anywhere. I am perfectly able to entertain myself an dstay out of the way."
She wanted me to try and convey that mom should not feel chased away or unwelcome....
When I passed that on to mom, she was nearly stunned. Actually, laughed, as all the behaviors and acting out have said quite the oppossite.
Well, that's crazy for you.
Amazingly, M says, "Well, I kind of feel like your mom is trying to avoid being around when I'm there. She shouldn't feel like they have to go anywhere. I am perfectly able to entertain myself an dstay out of the way."
She wanted me to try and convey that mom should not feel chased away or unwelcome....
When I passed that on to mom, she was nearly stunned. Actually, laughed, as all the behaviors and acting out have said quite the oppossite.
Well, that's crazy for you.
Autism -- similar to BPD
I've often realized that to a degree, there is not that much difference between autism and BPD, at least in the form I see it with M.... and interestingly, we both have tended to see her older boy, diagnosed early with ADHD, later with Bipolar disorder, as showing a degree of autism -- looking back.....
Anyway, I am reading at a book called "Blink", ( recently finished the first notable book by this author, "The Tipping Point").
In the chapter called, "Seven Seconds in the Bronx", he talks about the quick read most of us make of situations. Scanning faces, gestures, etc, etc, and almost engaging in a form of "mind-reading". The premise being that the face, in particular, is an enormously rich source of information, particularly about the genuine emotions being felt (vs verbally or otherwise expressed). And, interestingly, deliberately engaging in facial expressions different from the current emotions, can move people TOWARD those being facially expressed..... whether positive or negativce.
The part that I just read, that has struck me enough to journal about, is #4 in this chapter. It's about Peter, who is an adult autistic, with whom a major autism expert has worked for many years.
The following passage struck me as something that applies equally to M, the BPD person I live with (probably, more accurately, STBX):
"I talk to him [Peter] every week.... He focuses very much on what I say. The words mean a great deal to him. But he doesn't focus at all on the way my words are contextualized with facial expressions and nonverbal cues. Everything that goes on inside the mind -- that he cannot observe directly -- is a problem for him Am I his therapist? Not really. Normal therapy is based on people's ability to have insight into their own motivations. But with him, insight wouldn't take you very far. So it's more like problem solving."
I've italicized the part that really stood out hugely.
I've often been chagrined to realize that to my words, or "my actions" [as she sees them] she isn't able to discern MY real motivation or views or feelings.... Rather, she takes my words or actions, adds her OWN view or interpretation or feelings [projection] without really having truly contextualized me based on MY history or MY morals, etc, etc.
For instance, sometimes she carries on about my treating her poorly, just like every man in her life has.... Not true, but she projects her history on to me.... Sigh.
Truth be told, I've had a great deal of frustration over M's lack of progress in working with her T. I haven't really been able to put my finger on the issue. But, I think this capsulizes it. She and her T work on problem solving, or on validation of M's feelings about a situation -- but I don't think they work much toward any real insight.
But, then, I don't think most BPD people manage to truly gain the insight it takes to fully function in this world. I guess if you can't have utopia, you might as well create your own dystopia.
Anyway, I am reading at a book called "Blink", ( recently finished the first notable book by this author, "The Tipping Point").
In the chapter called, "Seven Seconds in the Bronx", he talks about the quick read most of us make of situations. Scanning faces, gestures, etc, etc, and almost engaging in a form of "mind-reading". The premise being that the face, in particular, is an enormously rich source of information, particularly about the genuine emotions being felt (vs verbally or otherwise expressed). And, interestingly, deliberately engaging in facial expressions different from the current emotions, can move people TOWARD those being facially expressed..... whether positive or negativce.
The part that I just read, that has struck me enough to journal about, is #4 in this chapter. It's about Peter, who is an adult autistic, with whom a major autism expert has worked for many years.
The following passage struck me as something that applies equally to M, the BPD person I live with (probably, more accurately, STBX):
"I talk to him [Peter] every week.... He focuses very much on what I say. The words mean a great deal to him. But he doesn't focus at all on the way my words are contextualized with facial expressions and nonverbal cues. Everything that goes on inside the mind -- that he cannot observe directly -- is a problem for him Am I his therapist? Not really. Normal therapy is based on people's ability to have insight into their own motivations. But with him, insight wouldn't take you very far. So it's more like problem solving."
I've italicized the part that really stood out hugely.
I've often been chagrined to realize that to my words, or "my actions" [as she sees them] she isn't able to discern MY real motivation or views or feelings.... Rather, she takes my words or actions, adds her OWN view or interpretation or feelings [projection] without really having truly contextualized me based on MY history or MY morals, etc, etc.
For instance, sometimes she carries on about my treating her poorly, just like every man in her life has.... Not true, but she projects her history on to me.... Sigh.
Truth be told, I've had a great deal of frustration over M's lack of progress in working with her T. I haven't really been able to put my finger on the issue. But, I think this capsulizes it. She and her T work on problem solving, or on validation of M's feelings about a situation -- but I don't think they work much toward any real insight.
But, then, I don't think most BPD people manage to truly gain the insight it takes to fully function in this world. I guess if you can't have utopia, you might as well create your own dystopia.
About time to leave, probably
No chat, even though I'd made a timeframe available....
Probably she is thinking about questions that she
doesn't really want the answer to....
this weekend, while my folks and my g-daughter are
here, she took herself off to a hotel.....
she's just too high strung around a little kid,
etc, etc. yadayadayada.
I've really got the scenario of renting my own place
for the rest of the year getting stronger and stronger
in my psyche... But, it's one of those things that when
I do it, I want to be absolute inside myself that there is
no going back!!
That'll be hard, since we own our home together, and
right now is not the time to sell..... I figure I will have
to buy her out by getting my own first mortgage.....
The other challenge will be that I think, not hope particularly,
just think, that we will still end up having some level
of a semi-friendly relationship AFTER the dust settles....
(also a craft business together to deal with....)
But, I'm absolute in this: once this is over as a "primary
relationship", that's it for that construct. Other relationship
constructs are fine, but if (more likely, when) I leave,
THAT construct is done, done, done.... probably
already beyond done, I'm just stubbornly avoiding
the inevitable, in some ways.
One concern I DO have is the timing. Anytime in the next
while M will associate with my mother -- and mom will
be her major target of blame. But, I've warned
mom to be prepared for that, and mom can
jump right back into her sh** if M dishes it out....
We'll see what we see. /Pop
Probably she is thinking about questions that she
doesn't really want the answer to....
this weekend, while my folks and my g-daughter are
here, she took herself off to a hotel.....
she's just too high strung around a little kid,
etc, etc. yadayadayada.
I've really got the scenario of renting my own place
for the rest of the year getting stronger and stronger
in my psyche... But, it's one of those things that when
I do it, I want to be absolute inside myself that there is
no going back!!
That'll be hard, since we own our home together, and
right now is not the time to sell..... I figure I will have
to buy her out by getting my own first mortgage.....
The other challenge will be that I think, not hope particularly,
just think, that we will still end up having some level
of a semi-friendly relationship AFTER the dust settles....
(also a craft business together to deal with....)
But, I'm absolute in this: once this is over as a "primary
relationship", that's it for that construct. Other relationship
constructs are fine, but if (more likely, when) I leave,
THAT construct is done, done, done.... probably
already beyond done, I'm just stubbornly avoiding
the inevitable, in some ways.
One concern I DO have is the timing. Anytime in the next
while M will associate with my mother -- and mom will
be her major target of blame. But, I've warned
mom to be prepared for that, and mom can
jump right back into her sh** if M dishes it out....
We'll see what we see. /Pop
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Been a nice day
just kinda hanging this p.m. with the g-daughter.
Didn't too all tha tmuch. She was tired -- others have had her up really late, I think. I was tire,d probably from last night's antics. But, K has been great. REally well behaved. Gone to bed real well just a while ago.
No negative exchanges with M. She checked on if the Harry Potter book had come, and I let her know it did -- so she ran out and got it out of the mailbox.
Bout all there is to say about today.
Didn't too all tha tmuch. She was tired -- others have had her up really late, I think. I was tire,d probably from last night's antics. But, K has been great. REally well behaved. Gone to bed real well just a while ago.
No negative exchanges with M. She checked on if the Harry Potter book had come, and I let her know it did -- so she ran out and got it out of the mailbox.
Bout all there is to say about today.
Granddaughter K is here!
My 5 y.o. granddaughter, K is here to visit. But, all the other relatives have worn her out. Crashed to sleep in a long nap over an hour ago. Still snoozing.
Sweet little thing. Her eyes just shine. She's very much like her daddy, my son. Curious about the world around her. Bright and engaged.
Sweet little thing. Her eyes just shine. She's very much like her daddy, my son. Curious about the world around her. Bright and engaged.
waiting patiently
Well, M's not been too awful this a.m.. Not too friendly, but not outright hostile or nasty, either. She's been getting ready to head out to the hotel. Meanwhile, I'm waiting patiently before I go and pick up my granddaughter for the weekend.
M is absenting herself, as she's "not into little kids" and it's true -- she's quite tense and crotchety toward normal childish behaviors....
And my g-daughter is a pistol. Well behaved, but active and engaged with the world. All that was WRONG with M's world as a child, is RIGHT with K's world....
'Tis a pity she cannot enjoy a delightful child. Or any other person in this world, for that matter.
M is absenting herself, as she's "not into little kids" and it's true -- she's quite tense and crotchety toward normal childish behaviors....
And my g-daughter is a pistol. Well behaved, but active and engaged with the world. All that was WRONG with M's world as a child, is RIGHT with K's world....
'Tis a pity she cannot enjoy a delightful child. Or any other person in this world, for that matter.
"I've been trying to engage with you for 3 days"
... and you didn't even seem to notice...." "I guess that tells me just where I fall in the hierarchy"
was one of the things she said last night in the middle of the night (a.m.)
[This interaction made it a bit plainer what was really going on -- the classic "rejection" feeling of a BPD person, however unaware the partner may have been of the rejecting remarks or actions....]
"What were you doing ?"
"well, I didn't HAVE to invite you to the Harry Potter movie. I didn't HAVE to go out with you for a drink after. I didn't HAVE to try and cuddle with you last night (and have you nearly scoot off the bed....) [hmmm, I don't have much recollection of that, other than some slight physical closeness at some point that barely registered.... and, well, I was ASLEEP. I can't control my subconscious reactions.... I'm not consciously hostile to her physical presence. And, well, this isn't the FIRST TIME she's claimed I subliminally avoided being "close"]
"I didn't HAVE to offer you a hotel key for the pool this weekend while your granddaughter is visiting you....."
I pret
was one of the things she said last night in the middle of the night (a.m.)
[This interaction made it a bit plainer what was really going on -- the classic "rejection" feeling of a BPD person, however unaware the partner may have been of the rejecting remarks or actions....]
"What were you doing ?"
"well, I didn't HAVE to invite you to the Harry Potter movie. I didn't HAVE to go out with you for a drink after. I didn't HAVE to try and cuddle with you last night (and have you nearly scoot off the bed....) [hmmm, I don't have much recollection of that, other than some slight physical closeness at some point that barely registered.... and, well, I was ASLEEP. I can't control my subconscious reactions.... I'm not consciously hostile to her physical presence. And, well, this isn't the FIRST TIME she's claimed I subliminally avoided being "close"]
"I didn't HAVE to offer you a hotel key for the pool this weekend while your granddaughter is visiting you....."
I pret
I guess she makes her bed
and she'll have to lie in it, as they say.
Last night I thought ended peaceably. But, apparently, not for M. Of course, her friend alcohol was no help I'm sure.
Anyay, long story short, I went to bed by 10:30p. Thought from her remarks on the phone that she was tired and not long behind. But, I guess she got herself worked up. She went downstairs. Stayed there until well after midnight.
I started hearing odd noises, and then finally heard her irrigating her sinuses.
At just about 2:30 a, she came to bed. "You sleeping? You sleeping?" Eventually, I said, "Well, not now."
"I have a full blown sinus infection"
"mmmm. good thing you are going to the doctor's office on Monday, then. Or are you going to go to urgent care tomorrow?"
That apparently was insufficiently caring. "which tells me a lot, doesn't it. Tells me where I stand...."
So from 2:30 to 3:30 a.m., M had to act out in various ways and engage me numerous times. I got slightly not under the collar, but not so bad as to keep me from eventually getting back to sleep.
About the only defensive argument I mounted was to point out that my remarks about the doctor visit (nurse-prac) and urgent care and suggesting she get some sleep, WERE in fact, caring remarks.
"No they weren't. You were just brushing me off."
Again, I suggested sleep would be good....
SHE kept insisting she couldn't possibly sleep with her nose all plugged up. Then, finally fell off by about 3:30 a.m. Seemed to sleep through until about now.
During the negative interactions, she of course, had to remark of my mother. "Your mother hasn't said two words to me."
Well, gee, why would that be.....
Let's see. M avoids the folks at every turn. Has taken herself off to the hotel at the start. Will again for this weekend.
It occurs to me that the trip out of town for the couple of weeks would have been less hurtful by far than the behaviors that have been displayed with her staying here....
Everyone's on eggshells around her....
Wonder why mom is a little reticent. Hmmmm
Last night I thought ended peaceably. But, apparently, not for M. Of course, her friend alcohol was no help I'm sure.
Anyay, long story short, I went to bed by 10:30p. Thought from her remarks on the phone that she was tired and not long behind. But, I guess she got herself worked up. She went downstairs. Stayed there until well after midnight.
I started hearing odd noises, and then finally heard her irrigating her sinuses.
At just about 2:30 a, she came to bed. "You sleeping? You sleeping?" Eventually, I said, "Well, not now."
"I have a full blown sinus infection"
"mmmm. good thing you are going to the doctor's office on Monday, then. Or are you going to go to urgent care tomorrow?"
That apparently was insufficiently caring. "which tells me a lot, doesn't it. Tells me where I stand...."
So from 2:30 to 3:30 a.m., M had to act out in various ways and engage me numerous times. I got slightly not under the collar, but not so bad as to keep me from eventually getting back to sleep.
About the only defensive argument I mounted was to point out that my remarks about the doctor visit (nurse-prac) and urgent care and suggesting she get some sleep, WERE in fact, caring remarks.
"No they weren't. You were just brushing me off."
Again, I suggested sleep would be good....
SHE kept insisting she couldn't possibly sleep with her nose all plugged up. Then, finally fell off by about 3:30 a.m. Seemed to sleep through until about now.
During the negative interactions, she of course, had to remark of my mother. "Your mother hasn't said two words to me."
Well, gee, why would that be.....
Let's see. M avoids the folks at every turn. Has taken herself off to the hotel at the start. Will again for this weekend.
It occurs to me that the trip out of town for the couple of weeks would have been less hurtful by far than the behaviors that have been displayed with her staying here....
Everyone's on eggshells around her....
Wonder why mom is a little reticent. Hmmmm
Friday, July 20, 2007
Weary
Well, I thought I had a pretty good night's sleep. But I feel tired and weary. I think I am back to be worn out with this "relationship". I just don't see a way to fix all that needs to be fixed. I think something else has to happen.
But, I am tired and weary.
Work conflicts don't help, either.
Part of the weariness today is just viral -- I have been having a virus coming on... but, no excuses. No rationalizations....
I truly am weary of the high demands of having a relationship with a BPD woman.
But, I am tired and weary.
Work conflicts don't help, either.
Part of the weariness today is just viral -- I have been having a virus coming on... but, no excuses. No rationalizations....
I truly am weary of the high demands of having a relationship with a BPD woman.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
thinking real hard about the ending
Really having the thought start to flower, again, that it's really, really time to move on. To cease this as a primary / live-in relationship.
The cost is too, too high. To my other relationships (family, friends) to my job to my health. Just altogether too high.
I also warned mom today that if I move such a direction, she is likely to be the major target of blame. But, if that happens, she can bark and bite back, if M gets unpleasant.
Che sera sera
The cost is too, too high. To my other relationships (family, friends) to my job to my health. Just altogether too high.
I also warned mom today that if I move such a direction, she is likely to be the major target of blame. But, if that happens, she can bark and bite back, if M gets unpleasant.
Che sera sera
found a safe haven, maybe
Found a local B&B, not 5 miles away, that if I judge the need for it, should be a good place to go if I know in early evening that I need to be elsewhere for the night.... Cool.
Played a little hooky today -- so as not to offend
Yup. One of those things we partners of BPD folk do. Partly my own fault. Earlier this week, I had left a VM that my Thursday p.m. wasn't too busy. I'd forgotten about a meeting I had.... Fortunately, there wasn't much business to transact before the folk there were going to go to go about with a social occasion... I should have been there for that.... but
Got a call in the early p.m. from M. "Hey. Wanna play hooky this afternoon and go see the new Harrry Potter movie?"
Yipe. How am I supposed to handle that??!! Best I could do was get her to delay to a 3:30 showing from the 2:50 she had in mind.
It was nice to go.... but, lousy timing. She didn't check my actual calendar. But, she mentioned, "Well, I remembered you said you had a light schedule this p.m...."
My mistake, that. Oh well
Got a call in the early p.m. from M. "Hey. Wanna play hooky this afternoon and go see the new Harrry Potter movie?"
Yipe. How am I supposed to handle that??!! Best I could do was get her to delay to a 3:30 showing from the 2:50 she had in mind.
It was nice to go.... but, lousy timing. She didn't check my actual calendar. But, she mentioned, "Well, I remembered you said you had a light schedule this p.m...."
My mistake, that. Oh well
Almost laughable
Wanted to get this down, too. Last night, M apparently was restless, stayed in the living room, and presumably fell asleep in her chair. I think she must have come up to the bed about 4 a.m..
Anyway, this a.m., it is NOT lost on me that she parked her body as FAR AWAY from me on the bed as she could be.....
Happens now and then... Poor, poor unhappy girl.
Anyway, this a.m., it is NOT lost on me that she parked her body as FAR AWAY from me on the bed as she could be.....
Happens now and then... Poor, poor unhappy girl.
Why I (M) didn't book a timeshare (the latest excuse)
One might wonder why M didn't book a timeshare as discussed for the timeframe of mom and dad's visit.....
Well, there've been numerous excuses... but last night, she gave a doozy....
Heavy weather in the plains -- bad, bad storms and tornados. And, "If I'd tried to drive to Steamboat Springs or to Tempe AZ, I'd have gotten caught in one of those...."
Amazing the degree of anxiety she can produce from a few events and "facts".
Well, there've been numerous excuses... but last night, she gave a doozy....
Heavy weather in the plains -- bad, bad storms and tornados. And, "If I'd tried to drive to Steamboat Springs or to Tempe AZ, I'd have gotten caught in one of those...."
Amazing the degree of anxiety she can produce from a few events and "facts".
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Women & their intuitive communications
Well, after a while with M and mom both in the same house, it was apparent that mom was struggling a little to bit her tongue. I happened in after mom's bath, while she was reading and M was chattering with her sis. Some comment was made, don't know by her or me, pretty incocuous, I think. Then, I think I said something about at least no unpleasant words from anyone.... Mom says, "Well, I almost... I came close a couple times...." She also told me she'd not said much at my little bro's house, other than to say, "Oh, M is being a shithead" which is an unusual way for her to express herself!
Anyway, mom further commented about how M kept chiming in as we were talking on the deck -- plainly didn't care for that (even though that has pretty much been the norm with M -- impulse control and M's mouth....) Anyway, I remember being very slightly annoyed as it happened, but not much. Plainly mom thought it was quite rude.... and intrusive. But, she had to only have thought so.... she didn't say so, and I didn't see any cross look or anything.... But, women have that subliminal way they communicate, I guess....
Which explains the rest of the story.... After my folks went to bed, M and I had pleasant, safe conversation... But, at the end she said, "You know I did have a question for my sister.... And, well, I felt like I was intruding.... so I gave her a call and wandered in the yard talking...."
Interesting. Mom didn't care for the chiming in, said or showed nothing, but still, M ended up realizing / feeling as if she was intruding. In a way she was.... some of what she chimed in was appropriate, but some was just a rude interruption or unnecessary. I suppose part of her knew that and told her she was being impolite....
M, felt like I was intruding.
Anyway, mom further commented about how M kept chiming in as we were talking on the deck -- plainly didn't care for that (even though that has pretty much been the norm with M -- impulse control and M's mouth....) Anyway, I remember being very slightly annoyed as it happened, but not much. Plainly mom thought it was quite rude.... and intrusive. But, she had to only have thought so.... she didn't say so, and I didn't see any cross look or anything.... But, women have that subliminal way they communicate, I guess....
Which explains the rest of the story.... After my folks went to bed, M and I had pleasant, safe conversation... But, at the end she said, "You know I did have a question for my sister.... And, well, I felt like I was intruding.... so I gave her a call and wandered in the yard talking...."
Interesting. Mom didn't care for the chiming in, said or showed nothing, but still, M ended up realizing / feeling as if she was intruding. In a way she was.... some of what she chimed in was appropriate, but some was just a rude interruption or unnecessary. I suppose part of her knew that and told her she was being impolite....
M, felt like I was intruding.
Gosh, no one's been bitten
M came home shortly after I did with a few groceries -- and knowing the dreaded "mom in law" was here....
And, gosh, no one's gotten bit or anything.
Actually spent a hour or so on the deck outside in proximity of one another, because it's 88 degrees and outside with a little breeze was just cooler than in....
But, 20 or so minutes ago, I think M had enough. Nothing unpleasant. No attitude.... But, she up and called her sis. Been chattering away.
Of course, I had already noticed she'd put away enough wine and beer to get to be chattery, anyway. She probably figured she was chattering at us too much and decided talking to sis, who is also a chatterbox, might work better....
And, gosh, no one's gotten bit or anything.
Actually spent a hour or so on the deck outside in proximity of one another, because it's 88 degrees and outside with a little breeze was just cooler than in....
But, 20 or so minutes ago, I think M had enough. Nothing unpleasant. No attitude.... But, she up and called her sis. Been chattering away.
Of course, I had already noticed she'd put away enough wine and beer to get to be chattery, anyway. She probably figured she was chattering at us too much and decided talking to sis, who is also a chatterbox, might work better....
note, note, note
Last night's notes left upstairs instead of down, as I was sleeping in the living room... actually, comfortably enough, compared with the alternative....
Several short notes, left in series:
"Hmmmm -- Why is it that you can't even try to "pretend" you like me? It appears to be a funtion of when your motheris in the area??! P.S. I'd like an answer."
"Since you have an addiction to this relationship - ? How do you get over it? I'd really like an answer" (written in the corner margin). "Or - have you ever really considered truly merging our lives? "
"It occurs to me that you probably have noticed (or not) that I have not slept well for several nights - and that you have not expressed any interest nor concern. So - I'm assuming that you have assumed you know all you need to know and that you are on the opposite side of the fence. Seems to me. "
Left in my sink: "Im on tenterhooks. It is quite uncomfortable. "
Several short notes, left in series:
"Hmmmm -- Why is it that you can't even try to "pretend" you like me? It appears to be a funtion of when your motheris in the area??! P.S. I'd like an answer."
"Since you have an addiction to this relationship - ? How do you get over it? I'd really like an answer" (written in the corner margin). "Or - have you ever really considered truly merging our lives? "
"It occurs to me that you probably have noticed (or not) that I have not slept well for several nights - and that you have not expressed any interest nor concern. So - I'm assuming that you have assumed you know all you need to know and that you are on the opposite side of the fence. Seems to me. "
Left in my sink: "Im on tenterhooks. It is quite uncomfortable. "
last night and some of today
"soooo...did she have her "chat" yet??" asked my friend in an email.....
I offered her some time frame in a voicemail, but haven't set the
the time for it yet.
Right now she's a little unhappy(er) with me because my folks
showed up today by 1:00 p.m., sooner than she expected -- because
she had NOT turned on her cell phone to get her messages....
She wondered why I didn't call the land line when their plans
changed.... Hmmm.... could it be when I initially called,
it was early enough I wasn't sure if M was still asleep?
(I know she had another bad night). Could it be I was
BUSY in a morning meeting??!! Which she knew about,
because I give her my calendar.... Hmmm.... I just don't know.
Or, could it be I'm a little gun-shy after more acting out crap
from her last night?? (this is a good one)....
I got home yesterday, late as expected, but sooner than she
was expecting. I greeted her with a hello and a kiss, and with
my usual low-key cordiality. (or careful greeting, maybe).
Anyway, it was not long before she took herself upstairs --
withdrew from me, as I see it -- the an hour or so later,
started projecting the withdrawal and hostility on to me.
( You've been there -- not HER feelings, or HER behaviors --
noooo -- according to her, I was the one being withdrawn
and angry and hostile....) Of course, all I really did was stay
quiet and on my own downstairs and leave her be to
her misery or state of mind.
Another hour or so later, I happened to get up when she
came downstairs, to put my empty wine glass away
and get a drink of water.... Don't know why I felt
compelled to... just did.
Well, she heard the sudden movement.... (according to her)....
Next thing I know, she has my bed pillows, marches into
the living room as says, "Don't you know that when you
jump up suddenly like that when start down the stairs,
I KNOW you are down here jerking off." And she flung
the pillows into my hands (clear implication, there, huh!!)
I corrected her impression, as I had not in fact been so
engaged.... (never mind that the doctor said years
ago that I should have more prostate exercise, and
never mind that her mood state's been so bad for
for long, that lovemaking has been rare for
some time now....)
Anyway, I didn't get angry or rise further to the bait.
Just let her go. And, I slept, fairly comfortably, on
the loveseat last night. Better than the alternative....
Are we having fun, yet??
I offered her some time frame in a voicemail, but haven't set the
the time for it yet.
Right now she's a little unhappy(er) with me because my folks
showed up today by 1:00 p.m., sooner than she expected -- because
she had NOT turned on her cell phone to get her messages....
She wondered why I didn't call the land line when their plans
changed.... Hmmm.... could it be when I initially called,
it was early enough I wasn't sure if M was still asleep?
(I know she had another bad night). Could it be I was
BUSY in a morning meeting??!! Which she knew about,
because I give her my calendar.... Hmmm.... I just don't know.
Or, could it be I'm a little gun-shy after more acting out crap
from her last night?? (this is a good one)....
I got home yesterday, late as expected, but sooner than she
was expecting. I greeted her with a hello and a kiss, and with
my usual low-key cordiality. (or careful greeting, maybe).
Anyway, it was not long before she took herself upstairs --
withdrew from me, as I see it -- the an hour or so later,
started projecting the withdrawal and hostility on to me.
( You've been there -- not HER feelings, or HER behaviors --
noooo -- according to her, I was the one being withdrawn
and angry and hostile....) Of course, all I really did was stay
quiet and on my own downstairs and leave her be to
her misery or state of mind.
Another hour or so later, I happened to get up when she
came downstairs, to put my empty wine glass away
and get a drink of water.... Don't know why I felt
compelled to... just did.
Well, she heard the sudden movement.... (according to her)....
Next thing I know, she has my bed pillows, marches into
the living room as says, "Don't you know that when you
jump up suddenly like that when start down the stairs,
I KNOW you are down here jerking off." And she flung
the pillows into my hands (clear implication, there, huh!!)
I corrected her impression, as I had not in fact been so
engaged.... (never mind that the doctor said years
ago that I should have more prostate exercise, and
never mind that her mood state's been so bad for
for long, that lovemaking has been rare for
some time now....)
Anyway, I didn't get angry or rise further to the bait.
Just let her go. And, I slept, fairly comfortably, on
the loveseat last night. Better than the alternative....
Are we having fun, yet??
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
When you move quick like that
She says, a moment ago, I KNOW you're jerking off.
She was mistaken.
I put my wine glass away. That's it.
She's outrageous.
then, complained about the "chat" still not being scheduled.
Never mind she's severely under the influence.
She was mistaken.
I put my wine glass away. That's it.
She's outrageous.
then, complained about the "chat" still not being scheduled.
Never mind she's severely under the influence.
Projection & reversal
Her email from a couple hours ago:
Just in case you haven't noticed, I HAVE NOT been sleeping much for several nights. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety about a lot of stuff.
On Monday night I asked if you could find time to talk to me. As of now, you have barely spoken a word to me, let alone given me any insight as to when you might actually have a spare moment or two for a dialogue between the two of us.
I really don't want to "assume" I know what your silence and avoidance is about.
MY silence and avoidance....
OK, so let's see here. I come home -- apparently EARLIER than she expected. And, she had to make sarcastic remarks about that, rather than be glad for the company, etc. I kissed her, as always, when I got home. In other words, I acted the same as ever.
She, on the other hand, shortly after I got home, took herself upstairs. And, pretty much stayed there for the most part. Except for coming down for her pills, more wine, that sort of thing.
She also tried to start up about just what my folks are doing for the remainder of their time here.... But, I didn't even come close to rising to that bait.
Anyway, I've left her be, pretty much. Her message was one of withdrawal, and I've lt her be.
Too bad she's gotten what she "asked for". Poor girl.
Chat, shmat. I've had about enough of the bullshit.
Just in case you haven't noticed, I HAVE NOT been sleeping much for several nights. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety about a lot of stuff.
On Monday night I asked if you could find time to talk to me. As of now, you have barely spoken a word to me, let alone given me any insight as to when you might actually have a spare moment or two for a dialogue between the two of us.
I really don't want to "assume" I know what your silence and avoidance is about.
MY silence and avoidance....
OK, so let's see here. I come home -- apparently EARLIER than she expected. And, she had to make sarcastic remarks about that, rather than be glad for the company, etc. I kissed her, as always, when I got home. In other words, I acted the same as ever.
She, on the other hand, shortly after I got home, took herself upstairs. And, pretty much stayed there for the most part. Except for coming down for her pills, more wine, that sort of thing.
She also tried to start up about just what my folks are doing for the remainder of their time here.... But, I didn't even come close to rising to that bait.
Anyway, I've left her be, pretty much. Her message was one of withdrawal, and I've lt her be.
Too bad she's gotten what she "asked for". Poor girl.
Chat, shmat. I've had about enough of the bullshit.
Back to feeling like it's time to move on
Yup. Similar to last Spring. A large part of me is feeling more and more like it's time. Past time, in fact. Too great a cost to continue this. She cannot be part of my family, not due to them, but due to her own issues and the situation SHE'S created.
Can't be a good partner to me unless I devote my attention almost exclusively to her. When my universe REVOLVES around her, all is well.
What am I really getting out of this, and what is the real cost?
Can't be a good partner to me unless I devote my attention almost exclusively to her. When my universe REVOLVES around her, all is well.
What am I really getting out of this, and what is the real cost?
Trigger lock, crazy!
Just sitting here thinking about an odd exchange from yesterday. We live in the country, so critters and creatures are an issue at times. Racoons, and deer at the moment.
Anyway, a recent round with racoons had M telling me to just "get the gun and shoot 'em".
Well, that brought to light a little problem.
Now, in a way, I can acknowledge that it may be unwise to have a gun of any kind in the house with a BPD or someone with cyclothymia.... But, it's a long gun. And, I don't believe she knows how to load it or to rack it.... so I don't actually believe there's much danger. OTOH, she THOUGHT about it. Witness and earlier entry, where she left the shotgun out on the dining room table, and her son texted me a concerned message about it.
Anyway, it's locked, now. Cable lock....
And there's the rub. Seems M hid / lost the key. You see, that same morning that I reference, after I locked the gun, I left the key out for me to put away later. She found it, waggled it, and said, "What's this for?". I told her. Took the keys, and put them on the stairway -- there's a place such keys belong, in my mind.
Anyway, I mentioned yesterday / day before that the keys to the gunlock were missing -- that she'd done something with them, but I didn't know what.
"Actually, I remember dropping them into a drawer." "I recall opening a drawer just slightly and dropping them in. I've been puzzling and looking for days about it...."
She recalls the act, but not the specific drawer. Not even the ROOM. Or the piece of furniture, or anything....
Pretty weird. But, she was in a pretty far gone state of mind.... so it's no surprise.
Anyway, a recent round with racoons had M telling me to just "get the gun and shoot 'em".
Well, that brought to light a little problem.
Now, in a way, I can acknowledge that it may be unwise to have a gun of any kind in the house with a BPD or someone with cyclothymia.... But, it's a long gun. And, I don't believe she knows how to load it or to rack it.... so I don't actually believe there's much danger. OTOH, she THOUGHT about it. Witness and earlier entry, where she left the shotgun out on the dining room table, and her son texted me a concerned message about it.
Anyway, it's locked, now. Cable lock....
And there's the rub. Seems M hid / lost the key. You see, that same morning that I reference, after I locked the gun, I left the key out for me to put away later. She found it, waggled it, and said, "What's this for?". I told her. Took the keys, and put them on the stairway -- there's a place such keys belong, in my mind.
Anyway, I mentioned yesterday / day before that the keys to the gunlock were missing -- that she'd done something with them, but I didn't know what.
"Actually, I remember dropping them into a drawer." "I recall opening a drawer just slightly and dropping them in. I've been puzzling and looking for days about it...."
She recalls the act, but not the specific drawer. Not even the ROOM. Or the piece of furniture, or anything....
Pretty weird. But, she was in a pretty far gone state of mind.... so it's no surprise.
Close call with the car keys!!
OOOOPPPPPSSSSS
I just discovered, when looking for my pocket watch, that I had inadvertently kept M's car keys in my pants pocket.
YIKE!!
Fortunately, she didn't even TRY to go anywhere yesterday or today.... but, had she -- oh man.... figuring a FUBAR out like that over the phone would have been pure hell.
Glad I found them before THAT occurred!!!
I just discovered, when looking for my pocket watch, that I had inadvertently kept M's car keys in my pants pocket.
YIKE!!
Fortunately, she didn't even TRY to go anywhere yesterday or today.... but, had she -- oh man.... figuring a FUBAR out like that over the phone would have been pure hell.
Glad I found them before THAT occurred!!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Today was almost OK
M was up early. Not sleeping well, she tells me tonight. Well, that happens. She wasn't restless enough to bother me.
Anyway, I "did my duty" and called her early this p.m. to see how she was doing (she's got a sore throat -- virus??) and has been feeling even MORE tired and lousy.
Anyway, I got home at a pretty normal time. By 5:30 or so. She was chattering on the phone with her sis (115 min!!). Which is fine. Her mood seemed OK, but I noticed pretty shortly that her speech was ever so slightly slurred. Not sure what she may have taken as far as pills or how much beer she might have had before I got home. Anyway, couldn't really tell that she was particularly impaired outside of that small hint.
She wasn't hungry, so I made my supper (she'd marinated the meat). All seemed well enough.
Shortly after we settled down into the house from it getting a little chilly, she said, "About lunch tomorrow -- you have that meeting, so you probably should have lumch with your staff person...." I told her it was probably OK to have lunch, but it didn't seem all that big a deal. Anyway, it was unusually accommodating, I thought.
Mid-evening, I noticed it appeared that she'd withdrawn to the upstairs. Nothing was on TV, no need to stay downstairs, so I headed up by 9:30 or so myself. I actually thought she'd prefer that -- but I'm not so sure she wanted the company.....
She turned on a silly ass movie. And, I thought she'd taken enough pills, she'd probably fall asleep soon (I was right).
But, first, she had to blow it. Evening had been OK, peaceable. Then, just before 10, she says, "I'd like to have a little chat in the next day or so."
"Is that it?"
"Well, you need to make a note or something. Put me on your schedule".
I went and did that and left it at that.
But, just before she fell asleep, she had to start in on "Did you appreciate the way I ASKED to have a chat? You could have acknowledged that instead of making it seem like a big imposition to go write it down..."
I didn't even bother to respond to that. Just stayed away from any comment at all...
She fell asleep shortly thereafter.
IT IS AMAZING to me that she does NOT recognize how much she INDUCES her own bad moments and dysphoric reactions. Her substance abuse on top of her own disorders.... well, it's a bad, bad combination.
Not likely to change, I'd venture, either.
Anyway, I "did my duty" and called her early this p.m. to see how she was doing (she's got a sore throat -- virus??) and has been feeling even MORE tired and lousy.
Anyway, I got home at a pretty normal time. By 5:30 or so. She was chattering on the phone with her sis (115 min!!). Which is fine. Her mood seemed OK, but I noticed pretty shortly that her speech was ever so slightly slurred. Not sure what she may have taken as far as pills or how much beer she might have had before I got home. Anyway, couldn't really tell that she was particularly impaired outside of that small hint.
She wasn't hungry, so I made my supper (she'd marinated the meat). All seemed well enough.
Shortly after we settled down into the house from it getting a little chilly, she said, "About lunch tomorrow -- you have that meeting, so you probably should have lumch with your staff person...." I told her it was probably OK to have lunch, but it didn't seem all that big a deal. Anyway, it was unusually accommodating, I thought.
Mid-evening, I noticed it appeared that she'd withdrawn to the upstairs. Nothing was on TV, no need to stay downstairs, so I headed up by 9:30 or so myself. I actually thought she'd prefer that -- but I'm not so sure she wanted the company.....
She turned on a silly ass movie. And, I thought she'd taken enough pills, she'd probably fall asleep soon (I was right).
But, first, she had to blow it. Evening had been OK, peaceable. Then, just before 10, she says, "I'd like to have a little chat in the next day or so."
"Is that it?"
"Well, you need to make a note or something. Put me on your schedule".
I went and did that and left it at that.
But, just before she fell asleep, she had to start in on "Did you appreciate the way I ASKED to have a chat? You could have acknowledged that instead of making it seem like a big imposition to go write it down..."
I didn't even bother to respond to that. Just stayed away from any comment at all...
She fell asleep shortly thereafter.
IT IS AMAZING to me that she does NOT recognize how much she INDUCES her own bad moments and dysphoric reactions. Her substance abuse on top of her own disorders.... well, it's a bad, bad combination.
Not likely to change, I'd venture, either.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Why I can't get married
Here's a Shoe cartoon that explains it
I mean really, who would want to pay for "inner child support"!!
LOL
I mean really, who would want to pay for "inner child support"!!
LOL
This morning's note "an excuse"
I suppose.
"sorry to leave you yet another "note" but like you when thing are peaceful, I am reticent to initiate a "monologue" [her word, she insists we don't talk, I don't participate, so it's always a monologue according to her] that will likely become contentious.
Yup! We all have our issues. Most of mine revolve around lack of information. DUH!
"sorry to leave you yet another "note" but like you when thing are peaceful, I am reticent to initiate a "monologue" [her word, she insists we don't talk, I don't participate, so it's always a monologue according to her] that will likely become contentious.
Yup! We all have our issues. Most of mine revolve around lack of information. DUH!
11 p.m. "talks"
Well, I suppose it should never be a surprise. She often manages, after drinking a while (loosening her inhibitions??), and once I'm thoroughly tired and ready to head to bed (at a weak point of energy) -- to "want to talk".
Exactly the case last night. After a calm day, again civil to friendly... not real cordial, but friendly....
We happened to buy a few groceries, including, to my regret now, the makings for Mojitos and for Black Russians. I had a couple early in the evening. Got too mellow and made a tactless remark about it making me a little too mellow and that the feeling was "making me want to ask for a blowjob". It wasn't a request or a demand. Just an unguarded remark. She asked who was going to do that? (which I took as a tease, not offense). Apparently, though, it was offensive as the night went on... Because that was one of the things she busted my chops for.
But, before that, it was just more of the usual. 11p, start to leave the living room. "So, you didn't really tell me much after I asked if you'd talked to your mother."
That, of course, just led to a series of conflicted interactions, the details of which I don't retain by choice. One, though, got into financial division, again... And again, I told her I wouldn't have that conversation at late night after alcohol was involved.
In fact, I got after her that I did not appreciate yet again a demand to talk occurring after too many drinks, late at night.... "So, you're saying I'm drunk." No, just plenty to drink. "What about what YOU'VE had to drink?" "I quit 3 hours ago. Haven't had anything but nonalcoholic stuff since 8:00 or so".
I kept trying to disengage, keep from getting too angry for my part. I didn't get too worked up or angry, but she would NOT let me leave (I give her too much power in that) until midnight. A FULL HOUR of unnecessary conflict.... unproductive. Probably destructive.
Typical, though.
Exactly the case last night. After a calm day, again civil to friendly... not real cordial, but friendly....
We happened to buy a few groceries, including, to my regret now, the makings for Mojitos and for Black Russians. I had a couple early in the evening. Got too mellow and made a tactless remark about it making me a little too mellow and that the feeling was "making me want to ask for a blowjob". It wasn't a request or a demand. Just an unguarded remark. She asked who was going to do that? (which I took as a tease, not offense). Apparently, though, it was offensive as the night went on... Because that was one of the things she busted my chops for.
But, before that, it was just more of the usual. 11p, start to leave the living room. "So, you didn't really tell me much after I asked if you'd talked to your mother."
That, of course, just led to a series of conflicted interactions, the details of which I don't retain by choice. One, though, got into financial division, again... And again, I told her I wouldn't have that conversation at late night after alcohol was involved.
In fact, I got after her that I did not appreciate yet again a demand to talk occurring after too many drinks, late at night.... "So, you're saying I'm drunk." No, just plenty to drink. "What about what YOU'VE had to drink?" "I quit 3 hours ago. Haven't had anything but nonalcoholic stuff since 8:00 or so".
I kept trying to disengage, keep from getting too angry for my part. I didn't get too worked up or angry, but she would NOT let me leave (I give her too much power in that) until midnight. A FULL HOUR of unnecessary conflict.... unproductive. Probably destructive.
Typical, though.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Relationships "hard work"
and another
interesting. my ex is the one who convinced me that relationships are
hard work and require effort. so i made more and more effort to make
it work, like i never did before.....i made a huge effort and it was
never enough..........................
interesting. my ex is the one who convinced me that relationships are
hard work and require effort. so i made more and more effort to make
it work, like i never did before.....i made a huge effort and it was
never enough..........................
Respect yes, trust no
Good observation from my online support group
Re: [WelcomeToOz] Do they deserve respect?
I agree with you..you cannot hate someone who is not totally conscious of
their actions. And everybody deserves respect..what they are not is
trustworthy. And again..you can't blame them for that..it is just a fact. They
can and will use any methods to get what they need at the moment. they are
disordered and the disorder itself is the cause of certain behavioral
tendencies. Not because they want it to be that way, but because it just is.
How many on here have confided things to your partners only for it to be used
against you every chance they get? This is one of the behaviors that is typical
to their disorder. They feel bad about themselves and so they will use this
stuff to make you feel bad too. Hence the saying..misery loves company. Plus I
do believe, this proves to themselves that they can't be that bad if you do bad
things too, or have had bad things happen to you. In their mind this gives them
relief from knowing that they aren't the only ones who are
messed up. It sucks but it is one of those things that they do.
Hate is a very strong word in my book. It is the worse
emotion for us so we use it to describe how intense we feel at the moment. But
do we truly hate them? No, I don't thinks so. We may truly hate what we are
going through..we may hate their behaviors..we may hate all sort of things about
what goes on, but we really can't hate the person.
Now about respect. IMO everybody deserves to be TREATED with respect. But I
guess that all depends on your own personal standards of conduct towards your
fellow man. Some people believe in "an eye for an eye" others believe in
forgiveness. I won't trust that person anymore, I can decide that I no longer
trust their opinion (respect) but that doesn't give me the right to be
disrespectful towards them. I by the way don't believe in an eye for eye. I do
believe that in the end we all get our just reward. I do believe that no bad
action goes unjudged by some higher being, and that "what goes around comes
around", but it won't be my hand. But I have a standard of what I consider to
be moral and ethical behavior. Again, you don't have to agree with me. This is
just my humble opinion on this matter.
BUT I won't trust them with anything that is important to me..and that is ME!
Re: [WelcomeToOz] Do they deserve respect?
I agree with you..you cannot hate someone who is not totally conscious of
their actions. And everybody deserves respect..what they are not is
trustworthy. And again..you can't blame them for that..it is just a fact. They
can and will use any methods to get what they need at the moment. they are
disordered and the disorder itself is the cause of certain behavioral
tendencies. Not because they want it to be that way, but because it just is.
How many on here have confided things to your partners only for it to be used
against you every chance they get? This is one of the behaviors that is typical
to their disorder. They feel bad about themselves and so they will use this
stuff to make you feel bad too. Hence the saying..misery loves company. Plus I
do believe, this proves to themselves that they can't be that bad if you do bad
things too, or have had bad things happen to you. In their mind this gives them
relief from knowing that they aren't the only ones who are
messed up. It sucks but it is one of those things that they do.
Hate is a very strong word in my book. It is the worse
emotion for us so we use it to describe how intense we feel at the moment. But
do we truly hate them? No, I don't thinks so. We may truly hate what we are
going through..we may hate their behaviors..we may hate all sort of things about
what goes on, but we really can't hate the person.
Now about respect. IMO everybody deserves to be TREATED with respect. But I
guess that all depends on your own personal standards of conduct towards your
fellow man. Some people believe in "an eye for an eye" others believe in
forgiveness. I won't trust that person anymore, I can decide that I no longer
trust their opinion (respect) but that doesn't give me the right to be
disrespectful towards them. I by the way don't believe in an eye for eye. I do
believe that in the end we all get our just reward. I do believe that no bad
action goes unjudged by some higher being, and that "what goes around comes
around", but it won't be my hand. But I have a standard of what I consider to
be moral and ethical behavior. Again, you don't have to agree with me. This is
just my humble opinion on this matter.
BUT I won't trust them with anything that is important to me..and that is ME!
What are the possible outcomes?
What M would like is for us to get married and continue... The marriage is off the table for me. I have come to realize how vindictive she would likely be in a divorce, I am not confident of marriage lasting with her, and I won't put my financial well-being at risk.
Staying as we are -- trying to stumble through, despite the pressures her illnesses and disorders bring into the mix is another. But, she doesn't seem to seek or tolerate effective treatment. The dynamics of my family and the demands of my job won't go away.... So, the status quo doesn't seem too realistic.
Separating primary living spaces is another idea, with the hope that after the initial shock and adjustment, we'd stay friendly enough to manage the house, gardens, and business together. Then the question becomes who lives elsewhere, and when. I actually think this is the most likely. I am supposing that for the remainder of the summer, into the Fall, I would need to be elsewhere (for my sanity) but close enough to help out effectively. But, come the dark, winter months, M may either want to be "in town" or out of state. Either would be OK. But, that prospect is why any rent arrangement I make has to be month to month. The little house 5 miles from here looks pretty good for the arrangement.
Another possibility is to just get real about pretty much breaking it off -- although, I would advocate trying to manage that in such a way as to preserve the craft show business through one more craft season -- to benefit HER savings. This possibility is pretty real, too. In this, since I don't want to sell our house in today's depressed real estate market (in our state), I would pretty much have to buy her out. Which means a new mortgage, and unfortunately, a bit higher rate than we have currently. Not happy. But possible. Other thing is who gets the liquid assets. All can be worked out.
Those are the possibilities as I see it. Perhaps some variation.
In the case of separate living arrangements, we may or may not end up staying or becoming friendly. But, something does have to change I think.
I don't see her changing much. I don't see my approach to life, the household, my family or my job changing much either. And, I probably am not ever going to handle changes and decisions that "affect M's life" in a way that makes her happy.
I know I don't meet her needs too well anymore. I know I cannot manage her dysphoric and depressed episodes so well as I one did.
And, I think she needs to be more responsible for herself and grow a lot more, anyway. And I think I am in the way.
In other words, I don't see a lot of likely possibilities beyond a fundamental change in the relationship and arrangements.
I suppose there's one other possiblity -- my T wondered about it. An "in-house" separation. But the trouble with that is M's volatility. She would find it impossible to leave me be, when she's in a bad space -- and her fairly outrageous dysphoric behaviors are a large part of the reason we're where we are at these days. I just don't think she could treat me as a "room-mate". I would continue to be "the problem" and the "target of blame".
That just would not work.
Staying as we are -- trying to stumble through, despite the pressures her illnesses and disorders bring into the mix is another. But, she doesn't seem to seek or tolerate effective treatment. The dynamics of my family and the demands of my job won't go away.... So, the status quo doesn't seem too realistic.
Separating primary living spaces is another idea, with the hope that after the initial shock and adjustment, we'd stay friendly enough to manage the house, gardens, and business together. Then the question becomes who lives elsewhere, and when. I actually think this is the most likely. I am supposing that for the remainder of the summer, into the Fall, I would need to be elsewhere (for my sanity) but close enough to help out effectively. But, come the dark, winter months, M may either want to be "in town" or out of state. Either would be OK. But, that prospect is why any rent arrangement I make has to be month to month. The little house 5 miles from here looks pretty good for the arrangement.
Another possibility is to just get real about pretty much breaking it off -- although, I would advocate trying to manage that in such a way as to preserve the craft show business through one more craft season -- to benefit HER savings. This possibility is pretty real, too. In this, since I don't want to sell our house in today's depressed real estate market (in our state), I would pretty much have to buy her out. Which means a new mortgage, and unfortunately, a bit higher rate than we have currently. Not happy. But possible. Other thing is who gets the liquid assets. All can be worked out.
Those are the possibilities as I see it. Perhaps some variation.
In the case of separate living arrangements, we may or may not end up staying or becoming friendly. But, something does have to change I think.
I don't see her changing much. I don't see my approach to life, the household, my family or my job changing much either. And, I probably am not ever going to handle changes and decisions that "affect M's life" in a way that makes her happy.
I know I don't meet her needs too well anymore. I know I cannot manage her dysphoric and depressed episodes so well as I one did.
And, I think she needs to be more responsible for herself and grow a lot more, anyway. And I think I am in the way.
In other words, I don't see a lot of likely possibilities beyond a fundamental change in the relationship and arrangements.
I suppose there's one other possiblity -- my T wondered about it. An "in-house" separation. But the trouble with that is M's volatility. She would find it impossible to leave me be, when she's in a bad space -- and her fairly outrageous dysphoric behaviors are a large part of the reason we're where we are at these days. I just don't think she could treat me as a "room-mate". I would continue to be "the problem" and the "target of blame".
That just would not work.
Last night's note
left with my coffeemaker
"tonight was not awful -- also was not terrific.
Perhaps we need to talk.
Are WE going to make it through this and still be together? Do you even want that? I have absolutely no idea. What I do think is that you don't like me and would rather not have me around.
Talk or not -- up to you. M "
This just tells me she needs some reassurances that I probably cannot honestly provide. I don't know how to get around that or what to do about it.
"tonight was not awful -- also was not terrific.
Perhaps we need to talk.
Are WE going to make it through this and still be together? Do you even want that? I have absolutely no idea. What I do think is that you don't like me and would rather not have me around.
Talk or not -- up to you. M "
This just tells me she needs some reassurances that I probably cannot honestly provide. I don't know how to get around that or what to do about it.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Today was without incident
I called M about 12:30, thinking she was to have lunch with her son, but he had cancelled. Didn't want to get crabbed at, probably. She was headed to a shoe store and to find some lunch and such. Not much beyond that.
At home, we were civil. Not quite cordial. But OK around each other. I felt really pregnant though. Constantly on guard for when she'd start, or try "to talk about things" or pose one of her impossible questions, etc.
It sounds as if she's planning to be here next week, after all, when my folks are here. Actually, she hadn't found elsewhere to be, affordably.... She may try to spend a lot of her time elsewhere while my folks, mom especially, are active and about in the house.... but who knows.
I suppose the worst that could happen is some mean remarks one direction or the other.
I likely won't be able to prevent that.
At home, we were civil. Not quite cordial. But OK around each other. I felt really pregnant though. Constantly on guard for when she'd start, or try "to talk about things" or pose one of her impossible questions, etc.
It sounds as if she's planning to be here next week, after all, when my folks are here. Actually, she hadn't found elsewhere to be, affordably.... She may try to spend a lot of her time elsewhere while my folks, mom especially, are active and about in the house.... but who knows.
I suppose the worst that could happen is some mean remarks one direction or the other.
I likely won't be able to prevent that.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Stupid, stupid, stupid
The whole E family (M.E. and her 2 sons) are mildly to moderately mentally ill.
I mean, for crying out loud. The older boy, even though he knows Mom is really high strung and easy to upset -- tells her that the younger boy might be suicidal. That's a crazy thing to do.
I finally talked to N, the older boy, and he'd made a statement approaching what she says based on a couple of txt messages he'd received early today from his bro. One, where there apparently is trouble with the GF again. And another that says, "I'll see you guys sooner rather than later", which older bro says has been a phrase J used in the past when depressed, maudlin and suicidalish.
Anyway, N, the older, extrapolated the suicidal possiblity out of that.... and passed that on to mom... who is already very, very borderline and dysphoric.
NOT good.
Unfortunately, the younger boy is NOT picking up his phone.... so, who can know....
I mean, for crying out loud. The older boy, even though he knows Mom is really high strung and easy to upset -- tells her that the younger boy might be suicidal. That's a crazy thing to do.
I finally talked to N, the older boy, and he'd made a statement approaching what she says based on a couple of txt messages he'd received early today from his bro. One, where there apparently is trouble with the GF again. And another that says, "I'll see you guys sooner rather than later", which older bro says has been a phrase J used in the past when depressed, maudlin and suicidalish.
Anyway, N, the older, extrapolated the suicidal possiblity out of that.... and passed that on to mom... who is already very, very borderline and dysphoric.
NOT good.
Unfortunately, the younger boy is NOT picking up his phone.... so, who can know....
Suicidal son?
Well, after picking a fight with me on the cell phone, M called me back moments later and started in about, "Do you know J [her younger son - 24 y.o.] tried suicide last night? Tried to O.D. or something...."
and, "Just what right do you have to tell MY son that I got the shotgun out and was threatening suicide??!!"
I corrected the latter, and informed her firmly that I did NO such thing -- that the only message he got about the shotgun and suicide was the one(s) SHE left him early Monday a.m..... That changed her tune.
Near as I can tell, her older son called her to tell her about J. She doesn't know HOW he comes to know this.... He called, just before losing service, and she says that was pretty much all the information she got.
I've tried to call him, but his service in the canyons he's in is really spotty. I think he was going by a couple of text messages.
All of them are drama kings and queens, I think.
and, "Just what right do you have to tell MY son that I got the shotgun out and was threatening suicide??!!"
I corrected the latter, and informed her firmly that I did NO such thing -- that the only message he got about the shotgun and suicide was the one(s) SHE left him early Monday a.m..... That changed her tune.
Near as I can tell, her older son called her to tell her about J. She doesn't know HOW he comes to know this.... He called, just before losing service, and she says that was pretty much all the information she got.
I've tried to call him, but his service in the canyons he's in is really spotty. I think he was going by a couple of text messages.
All of them are drama kings and queens, I think.
No T even though she oughta
Yesterday, M cancelled her appt with her T, "bcause I didn't feel fit for human consumption" and "because I get tired of her asking the same questions of me and making the same points".
Hey, how about this?? Try going to your therapist when you are NOT high functioning, for a change. Maybe tell her the truth.
How about TELLING your T about leaving VM for your SON that touched on suicide?? Made him concerned enough to let me know about it in the a.m. when he listened to the messages.
How about TELLING YOUR T about getting the SHOTGUN out of the closet and wondering where the ammo is at??
How about some of THAT truth for a change, instead of the facts reframed by your emotions and feelings.
That's what I am talking about when I say I don't think M is honest with her T.
NOt by a long shot.
Hey, how about this?? Try going to your therapist when you are NOT high functioning, for a change. Maybe tell her the truth.
How about TELLING your T about leaving VM for your SON that touched on suicide?? Made him concerned enough to let me know about it in the a.m. when he listened to the messages.
How about TELLING YOUR T about getting the SHOTGUN out of the closet and wondering where the ammo is at??
How about some of THAT truth for a change, instead of the facts reframed by your emotions and feelings.
That's what I am talking about when I say I don't think M is honest with her T.
NOt by a long shot.
Give it a rest, wouldya
Last night M left 12 VOICEMAILS. 12!
Plus 2 more on my office VM.
Plus the 1:30 a.m. call to home -- which woke me from a sound sleep and my sleep for the rest of the night was light and restless.
After calling me about 9:45 p last night to "say good night", she further commenced with messages at about 9:34p through just after 2 a.m.
Usual stuff. Why did SHE have to be the one to call and say goodnight, things to talk about, on and on and on. Over and over...
Many of them were clearly under some influence of alcohol / drugs. Some were nearly lucid. Others almost difficult to understand.
This has got to stop
Plus 2 more on my office VM.
Plus the 1:30 a.m. call to home -- which woke me from a sound sleep and my sleep for the rest of the night was light and restless.
After calling me about 9:45 p last night to "say good night", she further commenced with messages at about 9:34p through just after 2 a.m.
Usual stuff. Why did SHE have to be the one to call and say goodnight, things to talk about, on and on and on. Over and over...
Many of them were clearly under some influence of alcohol / drugs. Some were nearly lucid. Others almost difficult to understand.
This has got to stop
PHONE!!
phone just rang a5 1:30 a.m.!
RIDICULOUS
"I love you and I miss you."
"How did we get to be in such a mess?"
I love you, too.
"That's all I had to say"
RIDICULOUS
"I love you and I miss you."
"How did we get to be in such a mess?"
I love you, too.
"That's all I had to say"
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
In her cell
Poor M. Took herself off to a motel during these first couple days of my folks' visit, and now she's feeling exiled.
She called this a.m. @ 5ish and left a VM offering to run me to work "just to be nice". I didn't have a chance to call her before she called me at about 9:45a. I told her I had a meeting @ 10a, and she got a little snippy, "Well, that's convenient" or some such nonsense. Anyway, it didn't get too out of hand, but it was a little contentious.
As a result, she then sent me a couple of negative text mails.... BFD.
My day ended up being really busy with meetings and connections, but just to be "conciliatory" myself, I phoned her just after 4:00 p to see where she was / what doing and to maybe get a light bite and a beer or something. Entirely friendly and civl. I had to leave VM, thought, as she didn't answer.
Predictably, she did a return VM about 15 min later, instead of calling me back. I had started out of town, but just to do what I could to be friendly and conciliatory, I called. her again. Again, I found her to have a bit of an attitude. I didn't get too pissy, myself.... but it IS irritating.
She's in a motel, recently remodelled, but from her telling, her room is small and "has NO window". So, she came to describe it as a cell, "which is fitting" says she.
Her attitude aside, I happened to call her sister, and I mentioned that M had said there were no windows in the room , and sis said, "Well, that's not quite true. There is a small windew that overlooks the pool....
Whataver, Guess we'll see the reults when we do....
She called this a.m. @ 5ish and left a VM offering to run me to work "just to be nice". I didn't have a chance to call her before she called me at about 9:45a. I told her I had a meeting @ 10a, and she got a little snippy, "Well, that's convenient" or some such nonsense. Anyway, it didn't get too out of hand, but it was a little contentious.
As a result, she then sent me a couple of negative text mails.... BFD.
My day ended up being really busy with meetings and connections, but just to be "conciliatory" myself, I phoned her just after 4:00 p to see where she was / what doing and to maybe get a light bite and a beer or something. Entirely friendly and civl. I had to leave VM, thought, as she didn't answer.
Predictably, she did a return VM about 15 min later, instead of calling me back. I had started out of town, but just to do what I could to be friendly and conciliatory, I called. her again. Again, I found her to have a bit of an attitude. I didn't get too pissy, myself.... but it IS irritating.
She's in a motel, recently remodelled, but from her telling, her room is small and "has NO window". So, she came to describe it as a cell, "which is fitting" says she.
Her attitude aside, I happened to call her sister, and I mentioned that M had said there were no windows in the room , and sis said, "Well, that's not quite true. There is a small windew that overlooks the pool....
Whataver, Guess we'll see the reults when we do....
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
VM to Mom
Or, let's see. Here's another thing to note. Mom mentioned M had left her a VM -- that mom had some trouble making out -- mom assumed part of the problem with the articulation was alcohol or drug stuff.... (as usual)
Anyway, it was actually more articulate and easier to understand than some I've heard.
You could tell she was trying to be emminately polite.... boiled down to trying to let mom know it was really hot right now, and to remember we don't have A/C, so be warned... "I don't know what you're going to do, but thought you should know..."
Anyway, mom wssn't sure what to think, but she didn't say anything judgemental or negative....
Anyway, it was actually more articulate and easier to understand than some I've heard.
You could tell she was trying to be emminately polite.... boiled down to trying to let mom know it was really hot right now, and to remember we don't have A/C, so be warned... "I don't know what you're going to do, but thought you should know..."
Anyway, mom wssn't sure what to think, but she didn't say anything judgemental or negative....
The sh** she dishes out
Oh yeah... my favorite part [sarcasm on] was when, early in the conversation -- the basis of which was MY being too unfriendly or uncaring or whatever -- was when she "confirmed that you have meeting late in the day on Thursday??" (the day she's to come home).
Of course, that was TERRIBLE. Clearly I scheduled that on purpose.... Why ELSE would I have that meeting at that time?? Couldn't be that that was the best time for the committee? Couldn't be that it was unavoidable and related to a key part of my job. Nope. Clearly, it's primarily to DEPRIVE M OF MY PRECIOUS TIME.
Poor thing. I have other obligations than to just be at her whimsy, beck and call. Poor thing.
Can you tell, she is really making me deeply angry.... ??
She'll blame my mother and the visit... she'll never see her own culpability (an impossible thing for the BPD, I know) when the time finally comes....
and, again, I'm feeling like it is and has to come soon. Back to feeling like my personal and family welfare depend on moving on from this as a primary relationship.
too much negative energy. Too much effort has to go into trying to "have a relationship" when someone has the multitude of problems and issues that M does, with way too self-comprehension and too little effort to get better.
How long can any such relationship survive?? Certainly 14 years is a long time to be a partner with a BPD person....
Sorry she didn't have proper mother's love -- but, I cannot ever replace that.
Sorry she was dreadfully abuse, but I can't fix that. I can only TRY not to engage in any abuse, myself -- and even so -- and even though I know some of what she accuses me of as abusive is not -- she finds abuse in my word, actions, or inactions...
How long?
Of course, that was TERRIBLE. Clearly I scheduled that on purpose.... Why ELSE would I have that meeting at that time?? Couldn't be that that was the best time for the committee? Couldn't be that it was unavoidable and related to a key part of my job. Nope. Clearly, it's primarily to DEPRIVE M OF MY PRECIOUS TIME.
Poor thing. I have other obligations than to just be at her whimsy, beck and call. Poor thing.
Can you tell, she is really making me deeply angry.... ??
She'll blame my mother and the visit... she'll never see her own culpability (an impossible thing for the BPD, I know) when the time finally comes....
and, again, I'm feeling like it is and has to come soon. Back to feeling like my personal and family welfare depend on moving on from this as a primary relationship.
too much negative energy. Too much effort has to go into trying to "have a relationship" when someone has the multitude of problems and issues that M does, with way too self-comprehension and too little effort to get better.
How long can any such relationship survive?? Certainly 14 years is a long time to be a partner with a BPD person....
Sorry she didn't have proper mother's love -- but, I cannot ever replace that.
Sorry she was dreadfully abuse, but I can't fix that. I can only TRY not to engage in any abuse, myself -- and even so -- and even though I know some of what she accuses me of as abusive is not -- she finds abuse in my word, actions, or inactions...
How long?
First trouble phone call of her absence
Well, no surprise.
I left her a polite message to let her know that mom and dad got in safe and sound and thanked her for making up their bed.... No more than that -- I'm just barely able to be civil and polite -- too much too sound too caring / loving at this moment after the serious dysphorias of the last few days.
So, awhile later, M called back. First my cell, which I ignored, then the land line. Which I answered.... happened to take the call outside, so the difficulties that arose weren't overheard.
Of course, she was terribly unsatisfied with the message I left. "Pretty distant" "Sounded obligatory".
Of course, the conversation then rapidly deteriorated. I tried to change subjects. Other stuff. More strained conversation. I tried to beg off before it got too unpleasant, but she wasn't having it.
Gave her some grief about the "tests" she was throwing up, again, that I'm failing. She got nasty back. Went toward nasty about my mom, of course, too... so I really pushed to get off the phone.
Finally, told her that frankly I was feeling pretty frustrated and upset. "I don't know what YOU have to be upset about. I've stayed out of your way...."
I finally told her, "Look, you cannot have the levels of dysphoria that have gone on the last few days without an effect on those around you. Those behaviors have psychic cost to the others. "
She didn't want to accept that very badly, but didn't dispute about it further, either.
She kept carrying on about how I hadn't shown any love or concern, etc, etc.... Finally she gave up on the conversation. But, not before asserting that "I suppose your mother is hearing your end of all this."
I told her, No, I am outside and she's not hearing.
In fact, when I came in, mom did not say word ONE about it... Nothing. Which is as it should be, I'd say.
I left her a polite message to let her know that mom and dad got in safe and sound and thanked her for making up their bed.... No more than that -- I'm just barely able to be civil and polite -- too much too sound too caring / loving at this moment after the serious dysphorias of the last few days.
So, awhile later, M called back. First my cell, which I ignored, then the land line. Which I answered.... happened to take the call outside, so the difficulties that arose weren't overheard.
Of course, she was terribly unsatisfied with the message I left. "Pretty distant" "Sounded obligatory".
Of course, the conversation then rapidly deteriorated. I tried to change subjects. Other stuff. More strained conversation. I tried to beg off before it got too unpleasant, but she wasn't having it.
Gave her some grief about the "tests" she was throwing up, again, that I'm failing. She got nasty back. Went toward nasty about my mom, of course, too... so I really pushed to get off the phone.
Finally, told her that frankly I was feeling pretty frustrated and upset. "I don't know what YOU have to be upset about. I've stayed out of your way...."
I finally told her, "Look, you cannot have the levels of dysphoria that have gone on the last few days without an effect on those around you. Those behaviors have psychic cost to the others. "
She didn't want to accept that very badly, but didn't dispute about it further, either.
She kept carrying on about how I hadn't shown any love or concern, etc, etc.... Finally she gave up on the conversation. But, not before asserting that "I suppose your mother is hearing your end of all this."
I told her, No, I am outside and she's not hearing.
In fact, when I came in, mom did not say word ONE about it... Nothing. Which is as it should be, I'd say.
First trouble phone call of her absence
Well, no surprise.
I left her a polite message to let her know that mom and dad got in safe and sound and thanked her for making up their bed.... No more than that -- I'm just barely able to be civil and polite -- too much too sound too caring / loving at this moment after the serious dysphorias of the last few days.
So, awhile later, M called back. First my cell, which I ignored, then the land line. Which I answered.... happened to take the call outside, so the difficulties that arose weren't overheard.
Of course, she was terribly unsatisfied with the message I left. "Pretty distant" "Sounded obligatory".
Of course, the conversation then rapidly deteriorated. I tried to change subjects. Other stuff. More strained conversation. I tried to beg off before it got too unpleasant, but she wasn't having it.
Gave her some grief about the "tests" she was throwing up, again, that I'm failing. She got nasty back. Went toward nasty about my mom, of course, too... so I really pushed to get off the phone.
Finally, told her that frankly I was feeling pretty frustrated and upset. "I don't know what YOU have to be upset about. I've stayed out of your way...."
I finally told her, "Look, you cannot have the levels of dysphoria that have gone on the last few days without an effect on those around you. Those behaviors have psychic cost to the others. "
She didn't want to accept that very badly, but didn't dispute about it further, either.
She kept carrying on about how I hadn't shown any love or concern, etc, etc.... Finally she gave up on the conversation. But, not before asserting that "I suppose your mother is hearing your end of all this."
I told her, No, I am outside and she's not hearing.
In fact, when I came in, mom did not say word ONE about it... Nothing. Which is as it should be, I'd say.
I left her a polite message to let her know that mom and dad got in safe and sound and thanked her for making up their bed.... No more than that -- I'm just barely able to be civil and polite -- too much too sound too caring / loving at this moment after the serious dysphorias of the last few days.
So, awhile later, M called back. First my cell, which I ignored, then the land line. Which I answered.... happened to take the call outside, so the difficulties that arose weren't overheard.
Of course, she was terribly unsatisfied with the message I left. "Pretty distant" "Sounded obligatory".
Of course, the conversation then rapidly deteriorated. I tried to change subjects. Other stuff. More strained conversation. I tried to beg off before it got too unpleasant, but she wasn't having it.
Gave her some grief about the "tests" she was throwing up, again, that I'm failing. She got nasty back. Went toward nasty about my mom, of course, too... so I really pushed to get off the phone.
Finally, told her that frankly I was feeling pretty frustrated and upset. "I don't know what YOU have to be upset about. I've stayed out of your way...."
I finally told her, "Look, you cannot have the levels of dysphoria that have gone on the last few days without an effect on those around you. Those behaviors have psychic cost to the others. "
She didn't want to accept that very badly, but didn't dispute about it further, either.
She kept carrying on about how I hadn't shown any love or concern, etc, etc.... Finally she gave up on the conversation. But, not before asserting that "I suppose your mother is hearing your end of all this."
I told her, No, I am outside and she's not hearing.
In fact, when I came in, mom did not say word ONE about it... Nothing. Which is as it should be, I'd say.
Mom & dad her, M gone for a couple days
Mom & dad came in without incident or trouble. Gave mom some sense of M and her concerns and issues, but nothing comprehensive at this point. Just the general gist.... to explain M's absence.
-- wanting to give dad time to adjust
-- not wanting to repeat the trauma of last year when dad nearly crawled into our bed....
Anyway, came home -- no notes, a few things cleaned up... and M had made up their bed (I'd not had a chance to put sheets on it yet....)
talk about mixed messages.... Mom's a little confused about it... can't quite fathom what she's said / done that would make her such a "mother in law" in M's eyes.....
-- wanting to give dad time to adjust
-- not wanting to repeat the trauma of last year when dad nearly crawled into our bed....
Anyway, came home -- no notes, a few things cleaned up... and M had made up their bed (I'd not had a chance to put sheets on it yet....)
talk about mixed messages.... Mom's a little confused about it... can't quite fathom what she's said / done that would make her such a "mother in law" in M's eyes.....
Not a word
Well, interestingly, M woke up, kind of, this a.m. as I was getting around. Almost seemed to be trying to stay asleep or play possum whenever I was about, though.
Fine with me.
Little things, like having the TV on for a few moments, then "falling asleep". Having it on then I went to get my underwear, she was awake. To which I simply said, "good morning" (a civil word is about all I can muster at the moment, and not much beyond the greeting).
She said nothing.
TV off later, and she seemed to be asleep. Then TV on, then off. Seemed to be asleep as I left. I kissed her lightly, and went on my way....
Although, again, interestingly, I did go back in the house moments after leaving to try and find some paperwork. TV was on again already, so I think she was faking.
I left her alone. Not interested in warring a whole bunch more.
Thinking real hard about a little house for rent about 4 miles away.
Fine with me.
Little things, like having the TV on for a few moments, then "falling asleep". Having it on then I went to get my underwear, she was awake. To which I simply said, "good morning" (a civil word is about all I can muster at the moment, and not much beyond the greeting).
She said nothing.
TV off later, and she seemed to be asleep. Then TV on, then off. Seemed to be asleep as I left. I kissed her lightly, and went on my way....
Although, again, interestingly, I did go back in the house moments after leaving to try and find some paperwork. TV was on again already, so I think she was faking.
I left her alone. Not interested in warring a whole bunch more.
Thinking real hard about a little house for rent about 4 miles away.
No incidentss
Night passed without incident, although I very deliberately waited until well after she'd turn the lights back out.
I do feel myself getting a bit of a hard attitude.
By a.m., she was physically close to me. At least leaning against me.... clearly, some part of her psyche now wants to make sure she didn't "to too far" or that I'm not ??? fill in the blank.
Trouble is, I kind of am. As I said, I feel my heart hardening again. I really am feeling tired and harsh and once again, pretty well ready to move on from this troubled, primary relationship.
Irony is, in my caretaking manner I suppose, I will take care of doing a major craft show application today. I still believe, because it will be necessary for her in many ways if she stays in the area, that we still have to stay civil business partners (proceeds to her)....
Same with the household. Until and unless I buy out her interest, and regardless, until one or the other's stuff is moved elsewhere, we need to stay civil.
I can do that. I'm just a little pissed off at the moment
I do feel myself getting a bit of a hard attitude.
By a.m., she was physically close to me. At least leaning against me.... clearly, some part of her psyche now wants to make sure she didn't "to too far" or that I'm not ??? fill in the blank.
Trouble is, I kind of am. As I said, I feel my heart hardening again. I really am feeling tired and harsh and once again, pretty well ready to move on from this troubled, primary relationship.
Irony is, in my caretaking manner I suppose, I will take care of doing a major craft show application today. I still believe, because it will be necessary for her in many ways if she stays in the area, that we still have to stay civil business partners (proceeds to her)....
Same with the household. Until and unless I buy out her interest, and regardless, until one or the other's stuff is moved elsewhere, we need to stay civil.
I can do that. I'm just a little pissed off at the moment
Monday, July 9, 2007
Oh, and she's surfaced for awhile
I'm not about to engage her any more than I absolutely must.
She's made a little bit of food. Been downstairs twice for that.
Just stepped into the living room and said, sadly, "I'm sorry this is so hard for me."
I didn't even offer a reply.
You know, I think not so deep down, I'm kinda pissed off at this point.
Tired.... and one, not two, one shake away from being angry.
She's made a little bit of food. Been downstairs twice for that.
Just stepped into the living room and said, sadly, "I'm sorry this is so hard for me."
I didn't even offer a reply.
You know, I think not so deep down, I'm kinda pissed off at this point.
Tired.... and one, not two, one shake away from being angry.
I know I promised to stop drinking
Looking back on my recollection of my quick glance at the various other notes left for me this a.m., I recall one...
about "I know I promised to stop drinking" which then went on to rationalize NOT stopping due to all the "extenuating circumstances" and the "stress levels" (due to my folks', esp Mom) visit.
Ha. She never stops for lo0ng
about "I know I promised to stop drinking" which then went on to rationalize NOT stopping due to all the "extenuating circumstances" and the "stress levels" (due to my folks', esp Mom) visit.
Ha. She never stops for lo0ng
Uh huh
Well, this a.m. she caused me some ruckus and got me worked up. Then, I got a txt from her younger son a little concerned about the (self-destructive) voicemail messages he had waiting for him left between midnight and 3 or 4 a.m.....
She'd left the shotgun laying on the table, and apparently had at one point voicemailed a reference to it, and if "only she knew where the ammunition was kept to the boy....
I locked the gun and put it elsewhere.
She also called me, just as I left the driveway -- carried on in the usual dysphoric manner. Then again, a few minutes later -- this time, making me a little (more) concerned about her safety.
So I turned around and came home and interacted with her, not real loudly, but not in a particularly positive manner on her part.... until she finally lost coherency after half an hour or so and fell asleep.
Somewhat amazingly, I didn't receive any more calls or txts from her today. I was, of course, a bit anxious about coming home and to what kind of diatribe or negative shit being pitched.
But, once again, surprisingly, she apparently put herself "out" before I got home. BUT, she was slightly active at some point. I found a sprinkler running and a couple jar candles burning, which I don't think were burning this a.m. when I left.... So, she was briefly up and about.
I could see she hadn't picked up the stuff she pitched about as I was leaving (swept stuff off a counter "cleaning" it off).
Knowing that by tomorrow, before she leaves, she'll be all wierded out about leaving much mess, I cleaned that stuff up. Put other straggling stuff in the garage. Left a couple minor messes for her to deal with.
In particular, some wet, red paper towels and dried blood?? on the living room floor. I'm not sure if she cut herself last night, in the BPD sense..... or what. She did manage to clip the side of a finger yesterday when she was cutting some flowers. Bled something awful. So, I suppose she may have opened that wound last night for a bit of comfort bloodletting.
Who knows.
Anyway, that's a mess I've left for her. Something she should face, not something I should clean up after.
She'd left the shotgun laying on the table, and apparently had at one point voicemailed a reference to it, and if "only she knew where the ammunition was kept to the boy....
I locked the gun and put it elsewhere.
She also called me, just as I left the driveway -- carried on in the usual dysphoric manner. Then again, a few minutes later -- this time, making me a little (more) concerned about her safety.
So I turned around and came home and interacted with her, not real loudly, but not in a particularly positive manner on her part.... until she finally lost coherency after half an hour or so and fell asleep.
Somewhat amazingly, I didn't receive any more calls or txts from her today. I was, of course, a bit anxious about coming home and to what kind of diatribe or negative shit being pitched.
But, once again, surprisingly, she apparently put herself "out" before I got home. BUT, she was slightly active at some point. I found a sprinkler running and a couple jar candles burning, which I don't think were burning this a.m. when I left.... So, she was briefly up and about.
I could see she hadn't picked up the stuff she pitched about as I was leaving (swept stuff off a counter "cleaning" it off).
Knowing that by tomorrow, before she leaves, she'll be all wierded out about leaving much mess, I cleaned that stuff up. Put other straggling stuff in the garage. Left a couple minor messes for her to deal with.
In particular, some wet, red paper towels and dried blood?? on the living room floor. I'm not sure if she cut herself last night, in the BPD sense..... or what. She did manage to clip the side of a finger yesterday when she was cutting some flowers. Bled something awful. So, I suppose she may have opened that wound last night for a bit of comfort bloodletting.
Who knows.
Anyway, that's a mess I've left for her. Something she should face, not something I should clean up after.
Ipod and singing
to herself.... since 6 or so this a.m..
I think she came up and got some meds.
I don't think she's slept at all last night, not surprising and not unusual.
In fact, during the arguments of the morning, she claimed not to have slept much for 3 days now (since we returned from Philly, of course, and she could start firmly feeling the impending arrival of my mom, "the wicked witch of the west".
Been out in her swing chair on the deck with her Ipod for awhile just quietly singing to her tunes....
Crazy or coping. At least she's not in my face.
But, she did leave more crazy notes with my coffee.
I think she came up and got some meds.
I don't think she's slept at all last night, not surprising and not unusual.
In fact, during the arguments of the morning, she claimed not to have slept much for 3 days now (since we returned from Philly, of course, and she could start firmly feeling the impending arrival of my mom, "the wicked witch of the west".
Been out in her swing chair on the deck with her Ipod for awhile just quietly singing to her tunes....
Crazy or coping. At least she's not in my face.
But, she did leave more crazy notes with my coffee.
Today's note(s)
left in the middle of the wee hours of the night in my sink:
Dearest _
First & foremost I love you. I don't know that that was true 14 years ago, but I do truly love you and have for many years. Although it seems to me that as my love for you has grown that your love and caring for me has diminished. It seems to me that the more I love and cherish you, the less you are available to me and the more involved you are with your job..... more of the usual followed
....I'm so sorry I have been so reticent in our relationship and that I have not dad the backbone and wherewithal to make it clear exactly what my dreames and goals are and have been - and always have been. Sorry -- I'm just traditional in my thoughts and beliefs. I'm sorry that I never initiated such dialogue with you many years ago.... again, more of the usual [more than an oblique reference to marriage, no doubt]
....rClearly (to me) the Universe revolves around you, your job, and your family and I have no place in your private Universe.
I did fid a note that the fax/ copier was fucked up.... I fixed it. She was tying to make a copy of her two page note herself.... for her recored, I guess.
Came downstairs, found more notes with my coffeemaker and one hung from the microwave -- usual dysphoric stuff. More surrounding low self esteem, now.... also in "conversation", if one wants to call it that.
Anyway, I didn't really do more than glance at the additional notes. Enough to get the gist.
At one point, in the disputed morning, she had torn things up looking for them as I was getting dressed for work. I had folded them and put them in my pocket to look at later (a symptom of my own relationship-addiction, no doubt.) She went so far as to pull all of the papers OUT of my computer case.... and left them in a pile.
Finally she came up the stairs, found me in the den, "are you going to tell me where the notes are I left you or do I just have to keep tearing stuff up looking for them??!!" I didn't even know that's what she was doing.
She asked if I'd read them, and I said, "Just the long, two page one." She demanded them and shredded them up.....
don't know why. Don't know if it's shame, or a concern I'll use such against her sometime, or what. Just shredded them without any further dispute from her or protest from me....
Interesting.....
Dearest _
First & foremost I love you. I don't know that that was true 14 years ago, but I do truly love you and have for many years. Although it seems to me that as my love for you has grown that your love and caring for me has diminished. It seems to me that the more I love and cherish you, the less you are available to me and the more involved you are with your job..... more of the usual followed
....I'm so sorry I have been so reticent in our relationship and that I have not dad the backbone and wherewithal to make it clear exactly what my dreames and goals are and have been - and always have been. Sorry -- I'm just traditional in my thoughts and beliefs. I'm sorry that I never initiated such dialogue with you many years ago.... again, more of the usual [more than an oblique reference to marriage, no doubt]
....rClearly (to me) the Universe revolves around you, your job, and your family and I have no place in your private Universe.
I did fid a note that the fax/ copier was fucked up.... I fixed it. She was tying to make a copy of her two page note herself.... for her recored, I guess.
Came downstairs, found more notes with my coffeemaker and one hung from the microwave -- usual dysphoric stuff. More surrounding low self esteem, now.... also in "conversation", if one wants to call it that.
Anyway, I didn't really do more than glance at the additional notes. Enough to get the gist.
At one point, in the disputed morning, she had torn things up looking for them as I was getting dressed for work. I had folded them and put them in my pocket to look at later (a symptom of my own relationship-addiction, no doubt.) She went so far as to pull all of the papers OUT of my computer case.... and left them in a pile.
Finally she came up the stairs, found me in the den, "are you going to tell me where the notes are I left you or do I just have to keep tearing stuff up looking for them??!!" I didn't even know that's what she was doing.
She asked if I'd read them, and I said, "Just the long, two page one." She demanded them and shredded them up.....
don't know why. Don't know if it's shame, or a concern I'll use such against her sometime, or what. Just shredded them without any further dispute from her or protest from me....
Interesting.....
last night, OK then
Some attempts to get into unpleasant subjects, but not uncivilly. But, when I went to go to bed, at 10:30ish (wearying of the not-quite-pleasant interactions) she started pushing a bit.
Acted out over the night.
Lights on to come up stairs several times
Lots of noise going in and out of the patio slider at least twice in the middle of the night.
But, no attempt to wake me directly.
We disputed about it this a.m.... she only recalled going out on the deck at 6:00 a.m....
admitted she closes the door hard, "cause that's the only way it doesn't gap and let bugs in"
(bullshit).
She also claimed she only came upstairs, once.
Tells me she was probably a bit dissociative.
Her boy said all her messages were between midnight and 3 a.m., so I suspect she was far gone until then.
I do want to record the txt he sent me, though.... I think it's very troubling and very telling:
"So, I got some really great [VM] messages from mom last night. I would say u should probably have a trigger lock on that shotgun from what I can gather mom's up to!!"
Bear in mind, I found the shotgun laying on the table.
When I talked with him, he said that in one of the messages she left, she was wishing she knew where the ammunition was.
That's very sick behavior to inflict on your son, adult or not.
Acted out over the night.
Lights on to come up stairs several times
Lots of noise going in and out of the patio slider at least twice in the middle of the night.
But, no attempt to wake me directly.
We disputed about it this a.m.... she only recalled going out on the deck at 6:00 a.m....
admitted she closes the door hard, "cause that's the only way it doesn't gap and let bugs in"
(bullshit).
She also claimed she only came upstairs, once.
Tells me she was probably a bit dissociative.
Her boy said all her messages were between midnight and 3 a.m., so I suspect she was far gone until then.
I do want to record the txt he sent me, though.... I think it's very troubling and very telling:
"So, I got some really great [VM] messages from mom last night. I would say u should probably have a trigger lock on that shotgun from what I can gather mom's up to!!"
Bear in mind, I found the shotgun laying on the table.
When I talked with him, he said that in one of the messages she left, she was wishing she knew where the ammunition was.
That's very sick behavior to inflict on your son, adult or not.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Withdrawn today until late this p.m.
M kept to herself pretty much. Not nasty. Not nice. Kind of disengaged.
I'm wondering if she's feeling a bit sheepish about last night's antics. She really tried to start a fight several times.... although she doesn't ever see it like that -- or her culpability when things get nasty.
Anyway, she tried numerous times last night and I never took the bait.
She DID sleep in the guest room, and left a note (which I already posted).
Interestingly, I see she found the note on the table where I'd left it and she's shredded it.
Again, regrets? Perhaps.
In fact, maybe even a bit of trying to "make nice".
She's made blueberry muffins.
Cooked corn on the grill in advance of supper
Marinated meat and stuff for the grill....
I'm thinking part of her knows she went off the deep end again.
Oh, and I even see she's mailing an info postcard to Bristol re Abilify.
Interesting.
I'm wondering if she's feeling a bit sheepish about last night's antics. She really tried to start a fight several times.... although she doesn't ever see it like that -- or her culpability when things get nasty.
Anyway, she tried numerous times last night and I never took the bait.
She DID sleep in the guest room, and left a note (which I already posted).
Interestingly, I see she found the note on the table where I'd left it and she's shredded it.
Again, regrets? Perhaps.
In fact, maybe even a bit of trying to "make nice".
She's made blueberry muffins.
Cooked corn on the grill in advance of supper
Marinated meat and stuff for the grill....
I'm thinking part of her knows she went off the deep end again.
Oh, and I even see she's mailing an info postcard to Bristol re Abilify.
Interesting.
Blind to her own discounting of others
OK, so it's really, really going to get hot today. We've got some hostas to plant, and I just offered to do that this a.m. while it's not yet blistering hot....
With her fibro and her hands, it just seems like it's easier for me to dig holes and such.
But, here's what I got, "You know, they'll wait until Wednesday when it's cooler out. Or, I can just do it Thursday."
Now if you reverse the players, she'd see that as a form of discounting behavior.
But, she has never really been able to see her own foibles -- projects them well on to others -- but rarely sees herself in the same light.
With her fibro and her hands, it just seems like it's easier for me to dig holes and such.
But, here's what I got, "You know, they'll wait until Wednesday when it's cooler out. Or, I can just do it Thursday."
Now if you reverse the players, she'd see that as a form of discounting behavior.
But, she has never really been able to see her own foibles -- projects them well on to others -- but rarely sees herself in the same light.
You're part of it
Last night:
"My T told me several years ago to stop allowing crazymaking -- and now your part of it. Not meaning that it's on purpose.... It's just that we all know how sensitive I am to environmental stress -- and now you're part of that. "
"My T told me several years ago to stop allowing crazymaking -- and now your part of it. Not meaning that it's on purpose.... It's just that we all know how sensitive I am to environmental stress -- and now you're part of that. "
The blaming, as usual
M just can't get that she's creating the stress levels and reality herself.
Here's the note she left last night:
God only knows why anybody deserves to be tortured like this. I certainly don't understand it and I live with it. You most certainly don't understrand it because you - well don't understand it. Good for you. But, why would you do things that are sure to make myy fibro toruture me? I so don't understand that. Can you explain?
Explait to me why (or not) when we have long ago established that environmental stress fires up my fibro, that it is OK for my body to be constantly under attack because of the ENVIRONMENTAL STRESS that I had no say so in? How is that OK with you to cause excruciating pain to me to accommodate your mother's preferences re: her visitation schedule? How is that absolutely all right with you?
Bottom line - is it ever going to be important to you to make ME ACCEPTED INTO YOUR FAMILY OR -- is it always going to be your mother and you vs. lowly me? 1)yes, 2) no
Simple answer, eh?
Here's the note she left last night:
God only knows why anybody deserves to be tortured like this. I certainly don't understand it and I live with it. You most certainly don't understrand it because you - well don't understand it. Good for you. But, why would you do things that are sure to make myy fibro toruture me? I so don't understand that. Can you explain?
Explait to me why (or not) when we have long ago established that environmental stress fires up my fibro, that it is OK for my body to be constantly under attack because of the ENVIRONMENTAL STRESS that I had no say so in? How is that OK with you to cause excruciating pain to me to accommodate your mother's preferences re: her visitation schedule? How is that absolutely all right with you?
Bottom line - is it ever going to be important to you to make ME ACCEPTED INTO YOUR FAMILY OR -- is it always going to be your mother and you vs. lowly me? 1)yes, 2) no
Simple answer, eh?
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