Today's note(s)

left in the middle of the wee hours of the night in my sink:

Dearest _
First & foremost I love you. I don't know that that was true 14 years ago, but I do truly love you and have for many years. Although it seems to me that as my love for you has grown that your love and caring for me has diminished. It seems to me that the more I love and cherish you, the less you are available to me and the more involved you are with your job..... more of the usual followed


....I'm so sorry I have been so reticent in our relationship and that I have not dad the backbone and wherewithal to make it clear exactly what my dreames and goals are and have been - and always have been. Sorry -- I'm just traditional in my thoughts and beliefs. I'm sorry that I never initiated such dialogue with you many years ago.... again, more of the usual [more than an oblique reference to marriage, no doubt]

....rClearly (to me) the Universe revolves around you, your job, and your family and I have no place in your private Universe.

I did fid a note that the fax/ copier was fucked up.... I fixed it. She was tying to make a copy of her two page note herself.... for her recored, I guess.


Came downstairs, found more notes with my coffeemaker and one hung from the microwave -- usual dysphoric stuff. More surrounding low self esteem, now.... also in "conversation", if one wants to call it that.

Anyway, I didn't really do more than glance at the additional notes. Enough to get the gist.

At one point, in the disputed morning, she had torn things up looking for them as I was getting dressed for work. I had folded them and put them in my pocket to look at later (a symptom of my own relationship-addiction, no doubt.) She went so far as to pull all of the papers OUT of my computer case.... and left them in a pile.

Finally she came up the stairs, found me in the den, "are you going to tell me where the notes are I left you or do I just have to keep tearing stuff up looking for them??!!" I didn't even know that's what she was doing.

She asked if I'd read them, and I said, "Just the long, two page one." She demanded them and shredded them up.....

don't know why. Don't know if it's shame, or a concern I'll use such against her sometime, or what. Just shredded them without any further dispute from her or protest from me....

Interesting.....