What are the possible outcomes?

What M would like is for us to get married and continue... The marriage is off the table for me. I have come to realize how vindictive she would likely be in a divorce, I am not confident of marriage lasting with her, and I won't put my financial well-being at risk.

Staying as we are -- trying to stumble through, despite the pressures her illnesses and disorders bring into the mix is another. But, she doesn't seem to seek or tolerate effective treatment. The dynamics of my family and the demands of my job won't go away.... So, the status quo doesn't seem too realistic.

Separating primary living spaces is another idea, with the hope that after the initial shock and adjustment, we'd stay friendly enough to manage the house, gardens, and business together. Then the question becomes who lives elsewhere, and when. I actually think this is the most likely. I am supposing that for the remainder of the summer, into the Fall, I would need to be elsewhere (for my sanity) but close enough to help out effectively. But, come the dark, winter months, M may either want to be "in town" or out of state. Either would be OK. But, that prospect is why any rent arrangement I make has to be month to month. The little house 5 miles from here looks pretty good for the arrangement.

Another possibility is to just get real about pretty much breaking it off -- although, I would advocate trying to manage that in such a way as to preserve the craft show business through one more craft season -- to benefit HER savings. This possibility is pretty real, too. In this, since I don't want to sell our house in today's depressed real estate market (in our state), I would pretty much have to buy her out. Which means a new mortgage, and unfortunately, a bit higher rate than we have currently. Not happy. But possible. Other thing is who gets the liquid assets. All can be worked out.

Those are the possibilities as I see it. Perhaps some variation.

In the case of separate living arrangements, we may or may not end up staying or becoming friendly. But, something does have to change I think.

I don't see her changing much. I don't see my approach to life, the household, my family or my job changing much either. And, I probably am not ever going to handle changes and decisions that "affect M's life" in a way that makes her happy.

I know I don't meet her needs too well anymore. I know I cannot manage her dysphoric and depressed episodes so well as I one did.

And, I think she needs to be more responsible for herself and grow a lot more, anyway. And I think I am in the way.

In other words, I don't see a lot of likely possibilities beyond a fundamental change in the relationship and arrangements.


I suppose there's one other possiblity -- my T wondered about it. An "in-house" separation. But the trouble with that is M's volatility. She would find it impossible to leave me be, when she's in a bad space -- and her fairly outrageous dysphoric behaviors are a large part of the reason we're where we are at these days. I just don't think she could treat me as a "room-mate". I would continue to be "the problem" and the "target of blame".

That just would not work.