One of the worst days, ever, she said

Up until she started on the wine (or whine ) the day went OK -- at least without incident. I do have to admit to wondering when the shoe would drop -- no way would we be home long, a few days before my parents are to arrive -- no way would she not get herself into a bad state.

Well, she was civil enough over the course of the day. We both puttered away at things -- she at laundry in particular. Me at some cleaning and some yard stuff. Took the mid-day to go out and have (pleasant) coffee and do a little grocery shopping. All good.

But... my spider sense kept tingling just a little.

We put the first Harry Potter movie on at about 10:00 p to watch, and start to review for the new movie coming up. But, she was into the wine -- and had had little to eat all day.

I had had some popcorn, then about 10:45 got a bowl of ice cream put together (I actually was also trying to stay awake / mildly energetic to be company )

However, just as I went to sit back down in front of the TV, I realized she'd taken herself out to the deck and was sitting on the step -- showing her troubled mind, if you will. I knew the routine. I have to decide whether to leave her be, or what.

Of course, being the relationship-addicted, and trauma-addicted person I am (just sort of), I had to go out to be supportive. Asked her if she was done with the movie....

Of course, first, she seemed to want to be left be, but then almost immediately started the stream of consciousness.

She'd clearly been "at war with herself all day". Really very bothered that she "has to vacate HER home so that YOUR mom will be comfortable". All that jazz.

Was bothered when most of my phone conversations with my son and my mom this a.m. took place out on the deck where she couldn't hear. Feels excluded.

"You need to just accept it that YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT LIKE ME". And, she went on several times to talk about how hard it is to cope with not being liked, and all. "Your brothers have NO use for me. Stephen didn't even recognize me " (a reference to M showing up, completely unexpected and out of context, in my brother's shoe store in tourist town we were in for a meeting.)

She has woven many disparate elements into a terrible, dystopic reality for herself.

She just can't see how she's almost constantly now putting up that choice that she fears: "if you had to choose between me or your family".

She's creating that inevitable choice point.

I am a little concerned that she may yet have foul words with my mom.

It's not that mom doesn't like her. Doesn't understand a great deal -- about M's illnesses and habits. Makes the occasional slightly unkind remark, that if I hear and recognize as such, I correct.....

But, dislike -- that is simply not the case. That reality is in M's mind. Although, I'm virtually certain that when the day comes we've moved on from this relationship, I'll get an earful or two from my mom and my brothers and my sons that tell me a greater concern / more issues with her than they now will share -- out of politeness. But, that's to be expected.