"I'm 54 years old and afraid of the dark"
"I'm afraid to sleep alone"
"When we were building this house, and I'd leave at night in the dark by myself, it was terrifying"
"I've never admitted this to anyone else, ever" "Because I am ashamed...."
All statements that came from her yesterday a.m. in the aftermath talk.
To the last one, I said, "Not even to your T??". "No, it's all stuff that goes back to what happened in my childhood and there's nothing to be done about that now...."
I know about much that occurred, but this is a new wrinkle. It breaks my heart. Explains much. But does not excuse the abuse she dishes, nor does it mean I must stay regardless of the damage done to myself if I do so.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Last night and today
Last night.... got really bad.... came home after a meeting.... at about an expected time. M was on the ph to her sis.... seemed OK in affect..... then, when she got off the phone, made some snarky remarks that I reacted badly to.
And once I did, she ramped up her dissonating responses. Which made me angry.... which made her angry / frustrated. I tried to leave the house for the night -- being still under the weather (virus) I needed a good nights sleep. She tried to block me physically. Practically climbed up on my back to try and keep me from leaving.... etc, etc. I ended up staying around.... she insisted on continuing "to talk"... she got frustrated at "no answers" "not being cared for / about" "not being good enough / loved...." and on and on....
She really never let up on the "talking". Kept me up until 2 a.m. before she remotely settled down. Remainder of the night was cuddly and close and nice enough.
But, in the a.m., when she awoke.... back to the same crap attitude....
Got over it, though. Day went OK
And once I did, she ramped up her dissonating responses. Which made me angry.... which made her angry / frustrated. I tried to leave the house for the night -- being still under the weather (virus) I needed a good nights sleep. She tried to block me physically. Practically climbed up on my back to try and keep me from leaving.... etc, etc. I ended up staying around.... she insisted on continuing "to talk"... she got frustrated at "no answers" "not being cared for / about" "not being good enough / loved...." and on and on....
She really never let up on the "talking". Kept me up until 2 a.m. before she remotely settled down. Remainder of the night was cuddly and close and nice enough.
But, in the a.m., when she awoke.... back to the same crap attitude....
Got over it, though. Day went OK
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Today's notes from M
Disappeared.... actually, I'm referring to those written last night. Not surprised..... Why she was in her dysphoric fog, as is often the case, she left several notes here and there..... They're almost always negative and borderline (pardon the pun) negative.....
Anyway, after not particular sleeping soundly, needing to be fairly sharp for a meeting this a.m., and so on.... I was very deliberate this a.m. regarding the notes.....
First, keeping in mind that the last several she's written, she's found me the next a.m. and asked for her notes back.... I think, remembering that she wrote them, and perhaps the tenor, and upon arising, thinking perhaps they were untoward -- and they usually are....
anyway, this a.m. I made a point with myself of NOT even trying to read the notes. I just put them aside where she'd find them.... and since she "owns them", and ought to own the thoughts expressed..... I figure she should review them in sobriety and the light of day, anyway....
So left them be did I. Worked out good.... didn't upset me.... because I didn't read them.
She collected them and disposed of them while I've been at work.....
Now, if I could only get past the "stewing" I do when anticipating coming home to a pissy / angry "wife" on a day like today after a night like last night....
Anyway, after not particular sleeping soundly, needing to be fairly sharp for a meeting this a.m., and so on.... I was very deliberate this a.m. regarding the notes.....
First, keeping in mind that the last several she's written, she's found me the next a.m. and asked for her notes back.... I think, remembering that she wrote them, and perhaps the tenor, and upon arising, thinking perhaps they were untoward -- and they usually are....
anyway, this a.m. I made a point with myself of NOT even trying to read the notes. I just put them aside where she'd find them.... and since she "owns them", and ought to own the thoughts expressed..... I figure she should review them in sobriety and the light of day, anyway....
So left them be did I. Worked out good.... didn't upset me.... because I didn't read them.
She collected them and disposed of them while I've been at work.....
Now, if I could only get past the "stewing" I do when anticipating coming home to a pissy / angry "wife" on a day like today after a night like last night....
Not looking forward to home
today.
I got some troubled sleep last night, enough I suppose, with sufficient valerian root. But, I am still fighting a viral bug.... and I anticipate that M has stewed all day again today. Only communication we've had is her texting me to see when an evening meeting will be over and what my home ETA is.
I deliberately have not called her, as I didn't want my mind fucked with any more than it already is.
Showed my T the new book I purchased: The Betrayal Bond -- Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.
She wasn't familiar with it, but upon leafing it, said she thought it was most apropos.
This is a concept that equates relationships like the one I'm in to what comes to develop in kidnapping / hostage situations..... A trauma bond gets created at some point, and that link can be difficult to break even when it is to someone who is dangerous, ABUSIVE, and / or TOXIC..... hmmmm.....
T made an observation after we talked about this book a little. That my swinging through a the parking lot hear the dr's office yesterday to see if that's where M was -- was classic hostage behavior.....
Interesting......
It's hard not to think about this in terms of weakness. It's not. It's a pathology -- a condition that has developed. And that's happened for a whole variety of reasons. But, it's not weakness and it's not anything negative. It just is.
I got some troubled sleep last night, enough I suppose, with sufficient valerian root. But, I am still fighting a viral bug.... and I anticipate that M has stewed all day again today. Only communication we've had is her texting me to see when an evening meeting will be over and what my home ETA is.
I deliberately have not called her, as I didn't want my mind fucked with any more than it already is.
Showed my T the new book I purchased: The Betrayal Bond -- Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.
She wasn't familiar with it, but upon leafing it, said she thought it was most apropos.
This is a concept that equates relationships like the one I'm in to what comes to develop in kidnapping / hostage situations..... A trauma bond gets created at some point, and that link can be difficult to break even when it is to someone who is dangerous, ABUSIVE, and / or TOXIC..... hmmmm.....
T made an observation after we talked about this book a little. That my swinging through a the parking lot hear the dr's office yesterday to see if that's where M was -- was classic hostage behavior.....
Interesting......
It's hard not to think about this in terms of weakness. It's not. It's a pathology -- a condition that has developed. And that's happened for a whole variety of reasons. But, it's not weakness and it's not anything negative. It just is.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
M's hard life
couple things to record....
been meaning to make a note that 1) she thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) and 2) she told me last week that I might cope better with my negative feelings if I kept a journal....
hmmmm......
Anyway, the other thing I wanted to note was a statement she just made -- trying to justify how difficult she's been to live with no doubt -- she said, "sometime you should try to understand just how difficult my life has been for the last 5 years....".
Actually, I KNOW it's been more like 10... she's just more in touch with the last 5.....
But, I'm the one that's tried to ease that life... and her environmental stressors and all that.... but now I'M the problem.... or the one about to just "cast her aside...." etc, etc...
been meaning to make a note that 1) she thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) and 2) she told me last week that I might cope better with my negative feelings if I kept a journal....
hmmmm......
Anyway, the other thing I wanted to note was a statement she just made -- trying to justify how difficult she's been to live with no doubt -- she said, "sometime you should try to understand just how difficult my life has been for the last 5 years....".
Actually, I KNOW it's been more like 10... she's just more in touch with the last 5.....
But, I'm the one that's tried to ease that life... and her environmental stressors and all that.... but now I'M the problem.... or the one about to just "cast her aside...." etc, etc...
alcoholism? and her kids
My T, based on my telling of some of M's behaviors and "self-medicating" that M is darned close to alcoholic....
It is interesting how much her children have come to avoid talking with her. I'm thinking especially at the moment about her younger son and a conversation I had with him last night on my way home.
He is living / working in Florida -- but work got slow lately.... and he has an opportunity to make some money back here in MI. He needed to make transportation arrangements with me, and hence called me.
Since he may well be in this state by this weekend, before we leave for a trip to see MY folks, in FL..... I told him (at that time) that his mom was probably sober enough for him to call and give her the low-down, too..... (He'd been avoiding calling her, in part because he was a little peeved over semi-nasty messages she'd left him a week or so before....)
Anyway, it's NOT lost on me that at this time, over 24 hours later, he STILL has not called her.... as far as I know. I was going to mention his plans, but NOW, I don't wish to mix that into the current stream of feeling abused and (potentially) abandoned, and all that jazz....
It is interesting how much her children have come to avoid talking with her. I'm thinking especially at the moment about her younger son and a conversation I had with him last night on my way home.
He is living / working in Florida -- but work got slow lately.... and he has an opportunity to make some money back here in MI. He needed to make transportation arrangements with me, and hence called me.
Since he may well be in this state by this weekend, before we leave for a trip to see MY folks, in FL..... I told him (at that time) that his mom was probably sober enough for him to call and give her the low-down, too..... (He'd been avoiding calling her, in part because he was a little peeved over semi-nasty messages she'd left him a week or so before....)
Anyway, it's NOT lost on me that at this time, over 24 hours later, he STILL has not called her.... as far as I know. I was going to mention his plans, but NOW, I don't wish to mix that into the current stream of feeling abused and (potentially) abandoned, and all that jazz....
Today, almost OK, then not
Today, M had her physical therapy eval and first appointment. Our plan, set last night, had been to meet at a coffee shop afterward. Well, she didn't call me, and I ran late to a doctor's appt near the coffee shop -- and found her in parking lot there -- waiting to make a quick connection. That was at 2:20p. My appt was with a nurse-practictioner, so both of us assumed it would be brief. M was going to run to a store and come back (and call, I thought) and we would go to coffee after. I honestly thought I'd be done with the medical appt by 3:00 at the latest. I had a 4:00 appt (with my T, who M HATES). But, I thought there was plenty of time to have a little companion time, as she desired.....
Well, the appt ran quite late, and M didn't call, AND she didn't hear my txt messages come in to keep her posted -- I texted twice.... of course, that's the phone's fault that she didn't hear the alert, etc.... -- and she sat in the doctor's parking lot, again, for nearly an hour -- eventually stewing and being peeved with me. When she DID realize I had a 4:00 and couldn't be at her beck and call, she was really out of sorts.....
Of course, all this was MY FAULT.... I CLEARLY DID THIS ON PURPOSE TO HER.....
She had sat there in the dr's office parking lot wanting me to drive her home, due to her hand hurting and the roads being slippery. Didn't call me. Didn't text me. Just sat there cold, stewing, and wishing.... But, it was my fault, clearly.
When I got home after my T appt, at about 5:30p, she was pretty pissy. Unloaded a LOT of greivances.... and wouldn't let up until I got thoroughly frustrated. But, once again, as over the weekend, I managed to deal with it without getting angry. Frustrated. But not angry.
So, she's feeling cold (physically) and took a bath and has gone to bed.... more or less....
My job, now, is to leave her be, mostly.... but still care.... etc, etc, etc....
Well, the appt ran quite late, and M didn't call, AND she didn't hear my txt messages come in to keep her posted -- I texted twice.... of course, that's the phone's fault that she didn't hear the alert, etc.... -- and she sat in the doctor's parking lot, again, for nearly an hour -- eventually stewing and being peeved with me. When she DID realize I had a 4:00 and couldn't be at her beck and call, she was really out of sorts.....
Of course, all this was MY FAULT.... I CLEARLY DID THIS ON PURPOSE TO HER.....
She had sat there in the dr's office parking lot wanting me to drive her home, due to her hand hurting and the roads being slippery. Didn't call me. Didn't text me. Just sat there cold, stewing, and wishing.... But, it was my fault, clearly.
When I got home after my T appt, at about 5:30p, she was pretty pissy. Unloaded a LOT of greivances.... and wouldn't let up until I got thoroughly frustrated. But, once again, as over the weekend, I managed to deal with it without getting angry. Frustrated. But not angry.
So, she's feeling cold (physically) and took a bath and has gone to bed.... more or less....
My job, now, is to leave her be, mostly.... but still care.... etc, etc, etc....
Comment on borderline women and sex
Regarding the previous posting. Men should be wary of incredibly horny women. While that may exist in "health" at times, it more often indicates an abusive childhood and together with other signs, MAY be warnings of a woman who has a very serious emotional disorder -- borderline personality disorder.
If a woman seems too interested in sex to be believed, and is "a little crazy" at first.... look out later.
I have come to the conclusion that sexuality is a very significant "snare" -- spiderweb, if you will.... and a way to attract someone to care, particularly in a co-dependent manner, for the BPD person -- and who, due to his own pathologies (codependent nature) -- is eager to help and "care for the person".
Educate yourself gentlemen. Know what you are getting into if she's way sexy and "a little crazy sometimes."
If a woman seems too interested in sex to be believed, and is "a little crazy" at first.... look out later.
I have come to the conclusion that sexuality is a very significant "snare" -- spiderweb, if you will.... and a way to attract someone to care, particularly in a co-dependent manner, for the BPD person -- and who, due to his own pathologies (codependent nature) -- is eager to help and "care for the person".
Educate yourself gentlemen. Know what you are getting into if she's way sexy and "a little crazy sometimes."
Another interesting paper (abstract)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=1404444&dopt=Abstract
An empirical examination into the sexuality of women with borderline personality disorder.
Hurlbert DF, Apt C, White LC.
Division of Social and Policy Sciences, University of Texas, San Antonio.
In the last decade, a great deal of research has been accomplished in the study of borderline personality, but the literature is yet to systematically examine the intimate relationships of individuals with this particular personality disorder. In doing so, this study compared a sample of female borderlines with an adequately matched sample of non-personality disorders (aged 23-33 years) using the following measures: the Hurlbert Index of Sexual Assertiveness, the Sexual Opinion Survey, the Sexuality Scale, and the Index of Sexual Satisfaction. In the borderline sample, about 50% of the women reported a childhood history of physical or sexual abuse, as compared to about 15% in the control group. Also, borderline women were found to have significantly higher sexual assertiveness, greater erotophilic attitudes, and higher sexual esteem. Despite these findings, the borderline group evidenced significantly greater sexual preoccupation, sexual depression, and sexual dissatisfaction. Implications for these findings and treatment issues are discussed.
PMID: 1404444 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]
An empirical examination into the sexuality of women with borderline personality disorder.
Hurlbert DF, Apt C, White LC.
Division of Social and Policy Sciences, University of Texas, San Antonio.
In the last decade, a great deal of research has been accomplished in the study of borderline personality, but the literature is yet to systematically examine the intimate relationships of individuals with this particular personality disorder. In doing so, this study compared a sample of female borderlines with an adequately matched sample of non-personality disorders (aged 23-33 years) using the following measures: the Hurlbert Index of Sexual Assertiveness, the Sexual Opinion Survey, the Sexuality Scale, and the Index of Sexual Satisfaction. In the borderline sample, about 50% of the women reported a childhood history of physical or sexual abuse, as compared to about 15% in the control group. Also, borderline women were found to have significantly higher sexual assertiveness, greater erotophilic attitudes, and higher sexual esteem. Despite these findings, the borderline group evidenced significantly greater sexual preoccupation, sexual depression, and sexual dissatisfaction. Implications for these findings and treatment issues are discussed.
PMID: 1404444 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Stay / Go
Interestingly, this a.m. I find she's picked up a book that I started to read over Xmas break, and over which we had a huge disagreement. She'd been terribly resistant.... to reading "Should I Stay or Go? (about "controlled (negotiated) separation arrangements).
But then, she did start saying words and expressing thoughts that lead me to believe this weekend that she's begun exploring the idea of her leaving this house and being the one to live separately from here.
That makes more financial and physical sense. I can afford to keep and maintain this place. Frankly, I always expected that after a time, assuming no reconciliation (and I scarcely expect that) that I would have to put this place to rights and prepare it for sale (if sold it's to be.... and I am pretty ready to be back to a more urban environment..... we'll see).
so, maybe it will work out.
But then, she did start saying words and expressing thoughts that lead me to believe this weekend that she's begun exploring the idea of her leaving this house and being the one to live separately from here.
That makes more financial and physical sense. I can afford to keep and maintain this place. Frankly, I always expected that after a time, assuming no reconciliation (and I scarcely expect that) that I would have to put this place to rights and prepare it for sale (if sold it's to be.... and I am pretty ready to be back to a more urban environment..... we'll see).
so, maybe it will work out.
Why would sleeping bother?
I swear.... sometimes I think M gets peeved at night just due to my sleeping postures and positions. Not flopping around. No, I mean, I think she reads things into whether I face toward or away from her (I am a side sleeper)..... Whether she believes I want to "be close" and whether I seem to be cuddlingish (is that a word?).
I sleep on one side or the other due to sinuses. I cuddle her when I am toward her and she's close enough. If not, she's not. No more to it than that.....
Then again, idle time and thoughts are one of her greatest emotional enemies. I could be reading something into the wrong thing. She may not be reacting to me at all, but rather, to thoughts that flickered at night, in bed, in the darkness, in her troubled mind.
I sleep on one side or the other due to sinuses. I cuddle her when I am toward her and she's close enough. If not, she's not. No more to it than that.....
Then again, idle time and thoughts are one of her greatest emotional enemies. I could be reading something into the wrong thing. She may not be reacting to me at all, but rather, to thoughts that flickered at night, in bed, in the darkness, in her troubled mind.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Regrettable change
Well, I was chagrined today to find out that one of my "safety valves" is gone. Had a good, supportive lady friend (platonic) who had offered the use of her guest room if needed if I had to leave suddenly and crash for a few days or couple weeks.
The other day I showed interest in getting serious about that offer, and perhaps even renting the room for 2 or 3 months while dust was otherwise settling (when / if I were to leave my household).
(Interestingly, M clearly is contemplating the idea that she would be the one to leave -- but, that's mostly because she's thinking in terms of the long-term arrangement as to who would have to manage / maintain the house, as opposed to the short term arrangements that would occur early in a separation....)
Anyway, as my friend and I talked, I asked if her paramour would have any issues over my staying at her place. At first she said, no, he never comes to my house and he's stayed in contact with his ex-wives, etc, etc.....
But as we conversed, she decided she'd best talk with him, rather than have some unexpected surprise occur (like my suddenly staying at her place and THEN his finding out....).
And she did. Apparently, while I haven't talked with her in any detail.... the street doesn't run in both directions. All she said was that she'd talked with him, hadn't gone well (but hadn't caused any problems between them.) and that (as per our conversation) she did have to withdraw her offer.
Sigh.....
Well, it was nice while the offer was there. OTOH, I would have felt quite bad had I taken up the offer and THEN it caused problems between my friend and her lover.
Things will work out, some how, some way....
The other day I showed interest in getting serious about that offer, and perhaps even renting the room for 2 or 3 months while dust was otherwise settling (when / if I were to leave my household).
(Interestingly, M clearly is contemplating the idea that she would be the one to leave -- but, that's mostly because she's thinking in terms of the long-term arrangement as to who would have to manage / maintain the house, as opposed to the short term arrangements that would occur early in a separation....)
Anyway, as my friend and I talked, I asked if her paramour would have any issues over my staying at her place. At first she said, no, he never comes to my house and he's stayed in contact with his ex-wives, etc, etc.....
But as we conversed, she decided she'd best talk with him, rather than have some unexpected surprise occur (like my suddenly staying at her place and THEN his finding out....).
And she did. Apparently, while I haven't talked with her in any detail.... the street doesn't run in both directions. All she said was that she'd talked with him, hadn't gone well (but hadn't caused any problems between them.) and that (as per our conversation) she did have to withdraw her offer.
Sigh.....
Well, it was nice while the offer was there. OTOH, I would have felt quite bad had I taken up the offer and THEN it caused problems between my friend and her lover.
Things will work out, some how, some way....
And, then there's dissociation
Dissociation. Partly from the BPD, partly bipolar, partly post-tramatic stress. Whatever. M has a strong tendency..... Usually either prompted by high stress and a serious dysphoric reaction or alcohol -- and often a combo of the both.
Such may be the case post-Saturday night. Last night, after the Saturday / wee hours Sunday shananigans (where she angrily burst in to the bedroom at 2 a.m. and ranted for another couple hours downstairs -- fracturing my sleep, that's for sure -- she said something that almost surprised me.....
Mind you, this was after a relatively peaceful Sunday, of all things. There was an episode early in the day where she got extremely frustrated and upset. Then, that followed by her showering, getting dressed, and wanting to go somewhere, anywhere, out of the house -- mostly to get something to eat. I asked if she wanted me to drive, and she said, "yes, please". That was a turning point. From that point, her mood shifted toward me being split white / positive. She clearly felt cared for and taken care of -- although, all I did was be courteous and supportive.... When we got home, we even engaged in some companionable game of madlibs.
Evening went well too.....
But, interestingly.... at nearly 10 p.m., when I'm normally getting tired... and all the moreso after a night like the previous night -- I commented I was getting tired and going to go up to bed soon.....
She said, without rancor, "Didn't you get almost 11 hours of sleep last night?".
Which leads me to believe her primary memory of Saturday night was that I went to bed around 10 p.m. and got up around 9 a.m.....
It would appear she either has little recall of the rest (dissociation) or is conveniently forgetting it.... Probably a blend of both.
But, it was peaceful and friendly to the end yesterday, and even starting out today. A welcome change.
Such may be the case post-Saturday night. Last night, after the Saturday / wee hours Sunday shananigans (where she angrily burst in to the bedroom at 2 a.m. and ranted for another couple hours downstairs -- fracturing my sleep, that's for sure -- she said something that almost surprised me.....
Mind you, this was after a relatively peaceful Sunday, of all things. There was an episode early in the day where she got extremely frustrated and upset. Then, that followed by her showering, getting dressed, and wanting to go somewhere, anywhere, out of the house -- mostly to get something to eat. I asked if she wanted me to drive, and she said, "yes, please". That was a turning point. From that point, her mood shifted toward me being split white / positive. She clearly felt cared for and taken care of -- although, all I did was be courteous and supportive.... When we got home, we even engaged in some companionable game of madlibs.
Evening went well too.....
But, interestingly.... at nearly 10 p.m., when I'm normally getting tired... and all the moreso after a night like the previous night -- I commented I was getting tired and going to go up to bed soon.....
She said, without rancor, "Didn't you get almost 11 hours of sleep last night?".
Which leads me to believe her primary memory of Saturday night was that I went to bed around 10 p.m. and got up around 9 a.m.....
It would appear she either has little recall of the rest (dissociation) or is conveniently forgetting it.... Probably a blend of both.
But, it was peaceful and friendly to the end yesterday, and even starting out today. A welcome change.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The note from the wee hours of this a.m.
Well, I was going to transcribe it. It was actually not bad. Maybe pretty good in its way. Why? Well, this note was one of the few that wasn't blaming, or accusing, or depressive (or not quite). Anyway, I haven't had the chance to transcribe it, because she happened downstairs before I did so and asked to have the note she left me..... I don't know what she's done with it, but I wish I had had a chance to transcribe it. This one actually touched me instead of making me wince.
This one reflected regrets. Deep sadness, but not unhealthy sadness, and deep regret that "we seem to be at a dead end..."
Still, it was heartening that much of the note talked about remembering all that's been good, and trying to preserve those memories -- and hoping I will do the same....
This note was almost emotionally mature.
There was one addended note about my statement that I hadn't really contemplated a scenario that had M leaving the house instead of me. She seems to be thinking in terms of her leaving now. And, perhaps thinking I didn't wish to be burdened with the upkeep, etc, etc.
That's not it at all, though. What I haven't conveyed, because the subject hasn't exactly come up during neutral conversations, is that what I'm referring to when I way I haven't really contemplated her leaving the house is this:
I have not wished to disturb her domocile any sooner than must be the case. Haven't wanted to displace her from the house until she made that choice. And, all in all, I was really making that statement in the context of the [temporary] actually, hopefully at some point, controlled separation time.
No, I don't anticipate recovering some level of primacy in the relationship between us. But, I still have hopes of being supportive and friendly to one another as life goes on.
This one reflected regrets. Deep sadness, but not unhealthy sadness, and deep regret that "we seem to be at a dead end..."
Still, it was heartening that much of the note talked about remembering all that's been good, and trying to preserve those memories -- and hoping I will do the same....
This note was almost emotionally mature.
There was one addended note about my statement that I hadn't really contemplated a scenario that had M leaving the house instead of me. She seems to be thinking in terms of her leaving now. And, perhaps thinking I didn't wish to be burdened with the upkeep, etc, etc.
That's not it at all, though. What I haven't conveyed, because the subject hasn't exactly come up during neutral conversations, is that what I'm referring to when I way I haven't really contemplated her leaving the house is this:
I have not wished to disturb her domocile any sooner than must be the case. Haven't wanted to displace her from the house until she made that choice. And, all in all, I was really making that statement in the context of the [temporary] actually, hopefully at some point, controlled separation time.
No, I don't anticipate recovering some level of primacy in the relationship between us. But, I still have hopes of being supportive and friendly to one another as life goes on.
In vino veritas? No
Last night, I actually had to stop playing a movie at about 7 p.m. because M clearly intended to talk. Which she did. For 2 hours, then 3. Over a bottle of wine she'd opened for herself.
I've tried to learn from the Mars/Venus books how to accommodate the "wave" cycle of a woman who is dealing with difficult emotions. Try to actively listen, but not offer solutions.... etc. I did respond somewhat at times, after the first 2 hours. But, each time, though she had settled down somewhat, my response (no matter how gentle or general) seemed to raise her ire back up.
Finally, just after 10p.m., she was getting heated again. I was tired. I hadn't yet engaged angrily, and dearly wanted to keep it that way. So I finally stated that I needed to go to bed and stop this. Don't know my exact words. I know I didn't make it a "choice". I was, rather, drawing a boundary / end to an unfruitful discussion (or monologue, as she more accurately characterized it.).
She did say enough at that time to tell me that once again, she was looking for answers on what she's done wrong, should do differently, how she's failed, what I want/expect, and on and on. Answers that aren't really possible to provide. Not with my constant emotional wariness. Not to mention my own lack of self awareness regarding needs, desires, interests, due to always sublimating them to my mate (first and second).
So, with her ire rising, I want ahead and went to bed. She came and confronted me somewhat pissy before long. Then left me be....
Until she worked on wine bottle #2. At 2 a.m., she burst into the master bedroom and demanded I get up out of bed. "You've slept for 4 hours. Wasn't that enough?? Nice nap?? Get up and be engaged!!"
Whatever that might mean....
Anyway, I sleepily refused. She staulked downstairs..... then raged in the living room, in and out of the house (in 20 degree or lower temps), cried, carried on, made noise, slammed doors. Until at least 4:30 a.m.
Burst into the room at least twice more over that timeframe.
Then, she finally quit. Must have taken some drugs to calm herself.
In fact, she even left a decent couple of notes to me.... Those can wait for the next message.
I've tried to learn from the Mars/Venus books how to accommodate the "wave" cycle of a woman who is dealing with difficult emotions. Try to actively listen, but not offer solutions.... etc. I did respond somewhat at times, after the first 2 hours. But, each time, though she had settled down somewhat, my response (no matter how gentle or general) seemed to raise her ire back up.
Finally, just after 10p.m., she was getting heated again. I was tired. I hadn't yet engaged angrily, and dearly wanted to keep it that way. So I finally stated that I needed to go to bed and stop this. Don't know my exact words. I know I didn't make it a "choice". I was, rather, drawing a boundary / end to an unfruitful discussion (or monologue, as she more accurately characterized it.).
She did say enough at that time to tell me that once again, she was looking for answers on what she's done wrong, should do differently, how she's failed, what I want/expect, and on and on. Answers that aren't really possible to provide. Not with my constant emotional wariness. Not to mention my own lack of self awareness regarding needs, desires, interests, due to always sublimating them to my mate (first and second).
So, with her ire rising, I want ahead and went to bed. She came and confronted me somewhat pissy before long. Then left me be....
Until she worked on wine bottle #2. At 2 a.m., she burst into the master bedroom and demanded I get up out of bed. "You've slept for 4 hours. Wasn't that enough?? Nice nap?? Get up and be engaged!!"
Whatever that might mean....
Anyway, I sleepily refused. She staulked downstairs..... then raged in the living room, in and out of the house (in 20 degree or lower temps), cried, carried on, made noise, slammed doors. Until at least 4:30 a.m.
Burst into the room at least twice more over that timeframe.
Then, she finally quit. Must have taken some drugs to calm herself.
In fact, she even left a decent couple of notes to me.... Those can wait for the next message.
More Saturday 1/20/07 drama and angst
I honestly do not remember what M said that seemed to push me into a depressed / morose state of mind. But, there is another possiblity -- that is, I realized I was feeling quite ill by late p.m.. She even asked if I felt OK and commented that I looked pale. Yet, did the emotional pressure let up? No, not much. There was still the angry withdrawn silence.
Later, as from a week or so ago, she stated that, "I was just trying to give you your space...." To which I said, "After yesterday (Fri) I just thought you were being withdrawn." "I am, to stay out of your way and out of trouble....".....
I finally put a movie on and tried to rest. Realizing that the level of stress I've felt over the last several days of conflict probably knocked down my immune response -- and I've been recycling / relapsing with a nasty virus for the last few weeks.... Could also be prostatitis, but I think not. But, could be. That part of life, once the best we had together, has withered as well.
Later, as from a week or so ago, she stated that, "I was just trying to give you your space...." To which I said, "After yesterday (Fri) I just thought you were being withdrawn." "I am, to stay out of your way and out of trouble....".....
I finally put a movie on and tried to rest. Realizing that the level of stress I've felt over the last several days of conflict probably knocked down my immune response -- and I've been recycling / relapsing with a nasty virus for the last few weeks.... Could also be prostatitis, but I think not. But, could be. That part of life, once the best we had together, has withered as well.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Dr Phil / Relationship Rescue
Months ago, M bought 2 sets of the book and workbook.... no consultation. No discussion. SHE just thought that both of us would benefit.... not to mention, the core purpose of the books.
She spent 10 days alone, out of town, and worked mightily on the exercises back in late summer.
I, on the other hand, have little to no respect for this self-promoting, pat himself on his own back, so and so.
So, the best I was able to promise to do, after repeatedly being nagged and fussed at, was to give the book a once (read) through.
Of course, the lobbying kept up now and then -- she's convinced, I think, that if I'd just do this, I'd be able to determine what I need, and tell her.... not to mention, better understand hers.... yadyadayada.
Now, since her surgery, so maybe a couple weeks ago, one day she let's fly, "Well, I threw out that Relationship Rescue Workbook. You weren't going to use it, anyway."
A few days ago, she lobbied again for me to work on the exercises in the WORKBOOK.... To which I said, "Well, you said you threw it out." Her reply, predictably, was that, "Well, you can just do what I did, and work from the book itself with a notebook."
Oh, but today, today the workbook showed up. Actually, I think it's probably the one she didn't use herself, because I have little doubt that she threw the one away.
So, when I saw the workbook laid out for me, I said, "Is this for me?"
Her reply, not anything related to having thrown the one away, or even remotely referencing that. Her reply, "Well, you said you couldn't FIND IT...."
Such reality bending. Hard to fathom.... hard to bear up being around.
She spent 10 days alone, out of town, and worked mightily on the exercises back in late summer.
I, on the other hand, have little to no respect for this self-promoting, pat himself on his own back, so and so.
So, the best I was able to promise to do, after repeatedly being nagged and fussed at, was to give the book a once (read) through.
Of course, the lobbying kept up now and then -- she's convinced, I think, that if I'd just do this, I'd be able to determine what I need, and tell her.... not to mention, better understand hers.... yadyadayada.
Now, since her surgery, so maybe a couple weeks ago, one day she let's fly, "Well, I threw out that Relationship Rescue Workbook. You weren't going to use it, anyway."
A few days ago, she lobbied again for me to work on the exercises in the WORKBOOK.... To which I said, "Well, you said you threw it out." Her reply, predictably, was that, "Well, you can just do what I did, and work from the book itself with a notebook."
Oh, but today, today the workbook showed up. Actually, I think it's probably the one she didn't use herself, because I have little doubt that she threw the one away.
So, when I saw the workbook laid out for me, I said, "Is this for me?"
Her reply, not anything related to having thrown the one away, or even remotely referencing that. Her reply, "Well, you said you couldn't FIND IT...."
Such reality bending. Hard to fathom.... hard to bear up being around.
I feel lost
in the wilderness of BP pathology.
M finally tried to engage me, but it seemed as if she was trying to get me to say something or respond in some specific way -- which I could not / know not.
I tried to draw a boundary. Still, she lobbed "I'm hurting" grenades over it.
She wants to have a further conversation about my conferences, but didn't care for it when I said I wasn't prepared to have that conversation right at that moment. Her response was snarky. Which troubled me -- nay, made my anger rise..... but I tamped it down.
Before she quit, she made a statement along the lines of, "You are slowly, deliberately pushing me altogether out of your life...."
I didn't respond.
I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes to try and burn the negative energy off. It helped, but I still feel terribly disquieted. Morose.
A deep sadness has come over me.
I feel alone. Deeply wounded.
M finally tried to engage me, but it seemed as if she was trying to get me to say something or respond in some specific way -- which I could not / know not.
I tried to draw a boundary. Still, she lobbed "I'm hurting" grenades over it.
She wants to have a further conversation about my conferences, but didn't care for it when I said I wasn't prepared to have that conversation right at that moment. Her response was snarky. Which troubled me -- nay, made my anger rise..... but I tamped it down.
Before she quit, she made a statement along the lines of, "You are slowly, deliberately pushing me altogether out of your life...."
I didn't respond.
I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes to try and burn the negative energy off. It helped, but I still feel terribly disquieted. Morose.
A deep sadness has come over me.
I feel alone. Deeply wounded.
Cast off soon
I'm still appalled at the way she heard my comments yesterday a.m. about her uncomfortable cast. I didn't have an edge or irritated quality to my voice. Wasn't bothered -- but she heard otherwise.
She thinks she's taking herself to the doctor, alone. But, I don't intend to cooperate about that.
I happen to know that the removal of the pin doesn't always go well in the office, and a very minor surgery has to be done at the surgical center. I know how that will affect her. So, I will make sure I'm there. One way or another.
Doesn't matter what she heard. What matters is what I truly feel, how I express my love, and the fact that attending is a minor act of compassion. She can cope with my being there. She may even appreciate it when it's said and done.
But.... all this wears. /Pop
She thinks she's taking herself to the doctor, alone. But, I don't intend to cooperate about that.
I happen to know that the removal of the pin doesn't always go well in the office, and a very minor surgery has to be done at the surgical center. I know how that will affect her. So, I will make sure I'm there. One way or another.
Doesn't matter what she heard. What matters is what I truly feel, how I express my love, and the fact that attending is a minor act of compassion. She can cope with my being there. She may even appreciate it when it's said and done.
But.... all this wears. /Pop
usual down weekend, I suppose
After yesterday, M is staying clear - arm's length, so to speak. She did finally get to a somewhat better place last night after expressing herself in a number of ways and subjects -- most of which I simply listened to as best I could. Guess she must have felt "heard" and calmed down. Went / or drugged to sleep -- slept through the night.....
But, today, of course, we have the continuing angst.
She thinks she's soon to be "history"..... which, may very well be true. I don't have arrangements made, as yet. Not sure when I'll be altogether ready enough to make some move in changing living arrangements. But, I think it's not far off. Can't be. Making me too, too crazy to live like this.
I really don't have the tremendous energy it would take, after all these years of un-success (toward a more healed and vital place for her in her world and mind) to continue or make the changes I would have to in interacting with her.
Her illness wins. We both lose. But, she will eventually be fine on her own and likely will get closer, much closer to wholeness.
My over-care for her. My co-dependent care for her. My "minimizing environmental stressors" as best I can (which at various times seems to include virtually ANYTHING that might upset or trouble her -- including me.... and my reactions).
All of that has served to stymie any progress she can make.... and, now, it's affecting me quite badly. That has to stop.
But, today, of course, we have the continuing angst.
She thinks she's soon to be "history"..... which, may very well be true. I don't have arrangements made, as yet. Not sure when I'll be altogether ready enough to make some move in changing living arrangements. But, I think it's not far off. Can't be. Making me too, too crazy to live like this.
I really don't have the tremendous energy it would take, after all these years of un-success (toward a more healed and vital place for her in her world and mind) to continue or make the changes I would have to in interacting with her.
Her illness wins. We both lose. But, she will eventually be fine on her own and likely will get closer, much closer to wholeness.
My over-care for her. My co-dependent care for her. My "minimizing environmental stressors" as best I can (which at various times seems to include virtually ANYTHING that might upset or trouble her -- including me.... and my reactions).
All of that has served to stymie any progress she can make.... and, now, it's affecting me quite badly. That has to stop.
Friday, January 19, 2007
M and dad's Alzheimer's
So, now, for the last 15 minutes off and on, we've had a fractured conversation about my dad, his FL Dr., whether Pop REALLY wants M to go to FL, and whether her observations and input are wanted or valued.... etc, etc, etc.
Oh, and WHEN will your folks be coming up this year to see doctors and HOW long will they be there....
and WHO (meaning me) will be stuck for weeks dealing with it when your dad finally has to have interventions -- and why can't your brother go too..... and and and.....
but, I listened, and didn't "step in it" this time.....
although, timeframe stuff really is kind of amusing. We had a big fight, I guess, at a local hotel over my mom being overly optimistic after dad seeing a different neurologist in FL who offered a more optimistic assessment....
this happened last Fall..... but, her memory, her memory now has her referring to that "big disagreement we had last Spring.".
Someone's misplaced the reality. Please bring it back.
Oh, and WHEN will your folks be coming up this year to see doctors and HOW long will they be there....
and WHO (meaning me) will be stuck for weeks dealing with it when your dad finally has to have interventions -- and why can't your brother go too..... and and and.....
but, I listened, and didn't "step in it" this time.....
although, timeframe stuff really is kind of amusing. We had a big fight, I guess, at a local hotel over my mom being overly optimistic after dad seeing a different neurologist in FL who offered a more optimistic assessment....
this happened last Fall..... but, her memory, her memory now has her referring to that "big disagreement we had last Spring.".
Someone's misplaced the reality. Please bring it back.
to go or not to go
to Florida, that is the question for M. Yet another of the torturous statements made. During a time when she was feeling left out / unwanted (again, the conferences conversation) I happened a across a great flight deal from our state to Orlando. $107 RT to go and visit my elderly parents. Booked just a short trip, but wanted to take the opportunity to go and check on my Dad especially -- recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
Well, as I said, at the time I booked, I made an effort NOT to make M feel left out or unwanted on the trip -- even though she regularly asserts a troubled history with my Mom, etc, etc..... Can't hardly win!!
Well, tonight, when she settled down some, and turned her attention to other matters of conflicted feelings, she said, "Oh, and when was I consulted about going to FL? " I pointed out to her that I had, in fact, asked her about it within the period of time to cancel without penalty. AND, that, since she would only have had her cast off a few days before, that IF she ended up NOT feeling up to going [not to mention, if the emotions were wonky] that the ticket didn't cost that much and if she couldn't go, no big deal.
SHE did not remember that. Or at least believes the conversation took place too late to cancel.
But, I recall very well....
So, then, it was "well, maybe YOU have money to throw away, but I don't".
No win, no win.
Well, as I said, at the time I booked, I made an effort NOT to make M feel left out or unwanted on the trip -- even though she regularly asserts a troubled history with my Mom, etc, etc..... Can't hardly win!!
Well, tonight, when she settled down some, and turned her attention to other matters of conflicted feelings, she said, "Oh, and when was I consulted about going to FL? " I pointed out to her that I had, in fact, asked her about it within the period of time to cancel without penalty. AND, that, since she would only have had her cast off a few days before, that IF she ended up NOT feeling up to going [not to mention, if the emotions were wonky] that the ticket didn't cost that much and if she couldn't go, no big deal.
SHE did not remember that. Or at least believes the conversation took place too late to cancel.
But, I recall very well....
So, then, it was "well, maybe YOU have money to throw away, but I don't".
No win, no win.
Gee, no suprise
The upset from this a.m.'s telephone conversation was revisited, and brought up other issues that M won't find emotional closure on, when I got home just after 5:00p and for the next hour or better.
This, even though I had apologized this a.m., and this p.m..... and came home with a peace offering and further apology.
She still insists that all she was trying to let me know this a.m. was that she had found the list of conferences a few days back and had wanted to tell me that leaving it to be found hadn't really worked well.... etc. She also eventually touched, but didn't own, that she was trying to find out if anything had changed in my perspective (regarding her attendance at conferences with me). I STILL believe she was really angling / hoping for an invitation -- and, thereby, some reassurance about the state of the relationship.... but, perhaps I read too much hidden....
On top of that, and of course, revisiting other recent fights and disagreement (the cracker fight on Xmas day, the separation stuff a few days later (while, oh, she was still hurting and troubled by her surgery..... never mind what she said or inquired to prompt the conversation in the first place. )
Anyway, and this one amazes me more than slightly.... this a.m., she said something about how much her cast and such hurt. I made the observation, and I KNOW it was said in a perfectly conversational tone, that "I suppose you could call the dr's office to see if you can get in.... Maybe he'd decide to remove the case a few days early..... but, you'd have to drive [intended as a sympathetic observation that she's finding driving a bit painful....] "
Turns out that what she heard was [choose one] an annoyed / condescending / pissy statement that was unsupportive and boiled down to "get over it and take care of yourself....".
It is absolutely beyond my ken how a BP person can misconstrue something like that....
or, at least almost. In Mars/Venus terms, what it tells me is that she just wanted to be heard / talk about hurting -- and I made a mistake in offering a potential solution, instead of just simply listening and "being supportive".
Well, as they say, lose one, lose one (at least in a relationship like this!!)
My issue was that I sensed that there was a hidden / unexpressed motive in the call. I sensed the other meanings, and much of that was confirmed when I got home....
She still feels severely rejected by what I said about conferences. Not that that's what I expressed, but it's how she feels. I tried to convey my issues surrounding over-responsibility toward her, as well as not fully participating / abridging my involvement because of her attendance. But, all she's absorbed is "you don't want me there" and, "you have somet
This, even though I had apologized this a.m., and this p.m..... and came home with a peace offering and further apology.
She still insists that all she was trying to let me know this a.m. was that she had found the list of conferences a few days back and had wanted to tell me that leaving it to be found hadn't really worked well.... etc. She also eventually touched, but didn't own, that she was trying to find out if anything had changed in my perspective (regarding her attendance at conferences with me). I STILL believe she was really angling / hoping for an invitation -- and, thereby, some reassurance about the state of the relationship.... but, perhaps I read too much hidden....
On top of that, and of course, revisiting other recent fights and disagreement (the cracker fight on Xmas day, the separation stuff a few days later (while, oh, she was still hurting and troubled by her surgery..... never mind what she said or inquired to prompt the conversation in the first place. )
Anyway, and this one amazes me more than slightly.... this a.m., she said something about how much her cast and such hurt. I made the observation, and I KNOW it was said in a perfectly conversational tone, that "I suppose you could call the dr's office to see if you can get in.... Maybe he'd decide to remove the case a few days early..... but, you'd have to drive [intended as a sympathetic observation that she's finding driving a bit painful....] "
Turns out that what she heard was [choose one] an annoyed / condescending / pissy statement that was unsupportive and boiled down to "get over it and take care of yourself....".
It is absolutely beyond my ken how a BP person can misconstrue something like that....
or, at least almost. In Mars/Venus terms, what it tells me is that she just wanted to be heard / talk about hurting -- and I made a mistake in offering a potential solution, instead of just simply listening and "being supportive".
Well, as they say, lose one, lose one (at least in a relationship like this!!)
My issue was that I sensed that there was a hidden / unexpressed motive in the call. I sensed the other meanings, and much of that was confirmed when I got home....
She still feels severely rejected by what I said about conferences. Not that that's what I expressed, but it's how she feels. I tried to convey my issues surrounding over-responsibility toward her, as well as not fully participating / abridging my involvement because of her attendance. But, all she's absorbed is "you don't want me there" and, "you have somet
one more at the moment
that spoke to me:
I have been reading a couple of books on narcissm - not necessily
NPD, which is quite severe, but people who have strong narcissistic
traits (toxic narcissm, destructive narccistic personality).
[there is a fair bit of narcissism in the borderline person]
The books could not reiterate enough that these people have the
emotional maturity of a 2 year old, that they are UNAWARE of the
distress their behaviour causes, that they always need someone to
blame because of the impoverished, shamed self that the grandiose
false self hides and that it will ALWAYS be about them and NEVER
about you.
I have been reading a couple of books on narcissm - not necessily
NPD, which is quite severe, but people who have strong narcissistic
traits (toxic narcissm, destructive narccistic personality).
[there is a fair bit of narcissism in the borderline person]
The books could not reiterate enough that these people have the
emotional maturity of a 2 year old, that they are UNAWARE of the
distress their behaviour causes, that they always need someone to
blame because of the impoverished, shamed self that the grandiose
false self hides and that it will ALWAYS be about them and NEVER
about you.
and some more
that I am recording as much for my own purpose and record as anything else.
The ideal parter for a BP is a codependent one whose identity boundaries
mingle with the BP's (I guess because some of their needs overlap).
Over the years the BP forces his will on his partner which results in
a family game that takes the part of the intimacy the BP is incapable of.
Falling out of the game makes you feel disoriented and lonely. Still, if you look
deep inside (inner child, adult or parent) you find that you have very
little to lose because you had very little genuine and authentic
personal relationship with your partner to begin with.
Do things you like. Meet with people who appreciate you. Learn to
love yourself as the person who is in this world to love and to be
loved. Learn that you are lovable even if you do not sacrifice
yourself meaninglessly on the altar of egoism resulting from his
illness. Realize that you are what you are only if you know where your
identity starts and where it ends.
The ideal parter for a BP is a codependent one whose identity boundaries
mingle with the BP's (I guess because some of their needs overlap).
Over the years the BP forces his will on his partner which results in
a family game that takes the part of the intimacy the BP is incapable of.
Falling out of the game makes you feel disoriented and lonely. Still, if you look
deep inside (inner child, adult or parent) you find that you have very
little to lose because you had very little genuine and authentic
personal relationship with your partner to begin with.
Do things you like. Meet with people who appreciate you. Learn to
love yourself as the person who is in this world to love and to be
loved. Learn that you are lovable even if you do not sacrifice
yourself meaninglessly on the altar of egoism resulting from his
illness. Realize that you are what you are only if you know where your
identity starts and where it ends.
another post from the Oz list
that touched me a while back:
> SO I am married to a bp and my question is what if you give them all
> they want such as sex with others, rigid fathfullness to them and
> never cheat on them, and endless support, are they happy then? ---
No. They're too broken inside to be happy without a lot more help and
work than their partners alone can do. And what they *really* want
from you is for you to be a doll, an imaginary friend, never having a question,
never having a different taste, always automagically knowing what they want, never
wanting or needing anything from them, never existing when they feel like
being alone... It's impossible.
> SO I am married to a bp and my question is what if you give them all
> they want such as sex with others, rigid fathfullness to them and
> never cheat on them, and endless support, are they happy then? ---
No. They're too broken inside to be happy without a lot more help and
work than their partners alone can do. And what they *really* want
from you is for you to be a doll, an imaginary friend, never having a question,
never having a different taste, always automagically knowing what they want, never
wanting or needing anything from them, never existing when they feel like
being alone... It's impossible.
regarding "love" and unconditional love
From a recent message in a thread on the WelcomeToOz group @ yahoo.
Much of this really touched me and made sense to me (any emphasis
is mine):
Only God can give us unconditonal love. And parents may have it for their children. Unconditional love for a person that you did not having anything to do with their
biological creation is totally unrealistic. Even a healthy couple's
love is conditional on certain requirements being met. I don't want
to call what we give our BPs unconditional love, I'd rather call it
"TEMPORARY INSANITY". When we meet somebody fall we fall in lust. It really does take a long time for deep emotional love to develop and ithas to be fed to grow. Our BPs do not feed our emotions, they do not grow.
What grows is our need to not fail (again), our need to be needed. Most of us who end up in these relations have our own issues to deal with stemming from childhood emotional trauma. [mine isn't from trauma, but from over-responsibility and being taken advantage of by a first and second "wife" that needed a co-dependent].
These (BPD) folks need us so desperately that we honestly confuse this with love.
This is just my own not-worth-it-to anybody-but-myself opinion of course.
Let me ask you all this. If you have a life long friend, let say one who you've known
since elementary school and you guys do love each other because you've
supported each other, etc all the cool things our true freinds to for
us and one day your friend starts treating us the way our BP does, how
long are you going to continue to be friends with this person? not
long. You will feel betrayed, and it will hurt but you will be
willing to let that friendship go. Now, we meet these folks, they
engage us, they catch us and next thing we know we are "in love". So
in love that we cannot leave them even though they can't even give us
a friendship, much less a loving relationship. Think about it. How in love are we with a person who won't and never will let us get as up close and personal as our best friends with whom we can share all our secrets and know they will never be used against us? [oh so true] But oh we are so "in Love". Are we really?
I think we are in love with the idea of being in love. They can never be our best freinds, they can never be a source of support, our relationships will never mature. Because we cannot trust them not to hurt us. So, "in love"? I doubt it. And unconditional love, even less likely. What we gave them was our entire trusting being, because we were not healthy enough to realize what or who they were. They needed us so badly and we needed to be needed. Is that really love? Of course I can say that now LOL I remember feeling "in love" too. Took me a while and few sessions with a T to realize it was all just smoke
and mirrors. Take care of you.
Much of this really touched me and made sense to me (any emphasis
is mine):
Only God can give us unconditonal love. And parents may have it for their children. Unconditional love for a person that you did not having anything to do with their
biological creation is totally unrealistic. Even a healthy couple's
love is conditional on certain requirements being met. I don't want
to call what we give our BPs unconditional love, I'd rather call it
"TEMPORARY INSANITY". When we meet somebody fall we fall in lust. It really does take a long time for deep emotional love to develop and ithas to be fed to grow. Our BPs do not feed our emotions, they do not grow.
What grows is our need to not fail (again), our need to be needed. Most of us who end up in these relations have our own issues to deal with stemming from childhood emotional trauma. [mine isn't from trauma, but from over-responsibility and being taken advantage of by a first and second "wife" that needed a co-dependent].
These (BPD) folks need us so desperately that we honestly confuse this with love.
This is just my own not-worth-it-to anybody-but-myself opinion of course.
Let me ask you all this. If you have a life long friend, let say one who you've known
since elementary school and you guys do love each other because you've
supported each other, etc all the cool things our true freinds to for
us and one day your friend starts treating us the way our BP does, how
long are you going to continue to be friends with this person? not
long. You will feel betrayed, and it will hurt but you will be
willing to let that friendship go. Now, we meet these folks, they
engage us, they catch us and next thing we know we are "in love". So
in love that we cannot leave them even though they can't even give us
a friendship, much less a loving relationship. Think about it. How in love are we with a person who won't and never will let us get as up close and personal as our best friends with whom we can share all our secrets and know they will never be used against us? [oh so true] But oh we are so "in Love". Are we really?
I think we are in love with the idea of being in love. They can never be our best freinds, they can never be a source of support, our relationships will never mature. Because we cannot trust them not to hurt us. So, "in love"? I doubt it. And unconditional love, even less likely. What we gave them was our entire trusting being, because we were not healthy enough to realize what or who they were. They needed us so badly and we needed to be needed. Is that really love? Of course I can say that now LOL I remember feeling "in love" too. Took me a while and few sessions with a T to realize it was all just smoke
and mirrors. Take care of you.
Sometimes it's me
Well, today I've been feeling really emotionally lousy. Didn't start out that way. But, it got there. It happened something like this:
I woke up, got around, and left the house in a perfectly good mood. M seemed OK when I left, too. Just before 9:00 a.m. (just before the main of my work day should be commencing) my cell phone rang.
M was calling to let me know that she had found a list of dates of conferences I have out of town, which she had asked for some time back, but that leaving it "in the den for her to find" had not been an effective way to communicate or respond. At some point, I began to react badly. I have several theories as to why. But, fundamentally, I think she was trying to get reassurance again about the future of the relationship, be invited to go to any or all of the conferences, etc.... and I'm not comfortable with ANY of that. So, I got reactive and upset. The conversation just went worse and worse.
Each of us has tried to "patch it" or backfill over the course of the day. Yet, when I've not been busy, I find myself very, very concerned about the potential / probably lousy weekend we'll now spend. And, I lay the fault at my own feet. I did finally call her mid afternoon and took total responsibility for the conversation going badly and apologizing. For a more normal partnership, that might take care of..... but not one with a BPD partner.
There are serious conflicts in my mind and emotions over all of this. I didn't really want her at conferences because I've realized I don't engage as completely as I ought to with the conference activities with her there -- because, I tend to take a great deal of responsibility for her and the time she's having and her comfort levels. We seemed to have come to some resolution about that -- letting her be primarily responsible therein..... and I even relented on a soon upcoming conference to see how that might work out.
But, she's continued to stew and fuss over my honest telling that I feel freer and more relaxed to do that which I should do when she's not been along. Of course, part of the problem is that she's afeared I will do that which I should NOT do..... she has basic core trust issues.
My friend tells me I should just tell her, not this conference (pick one), but I'd like you to go to this other conference..... so that she doesn't feel so rejected.
But, I am really uncomfortable doing that when I'm not sure I can live another month in the same household with all this potential for conflict..... sigh.....
I woke up, got around, and left the house in a perfectly good mood. M seemed OK when I left, too. Just before 9:00 a.m. (just before the main of my work day should be commencing) my cell phone rang.
M was calling to let me know that she had found a list of dates of conferences I have out of town, which she had asked for some time back, but that leaving it "in the den for her to find" had not been an effective way to communicate or respond. At some point, I began to react badly. I have several theories as to why. But, fundamentally, I think she was trying to get reassurance again about the future of the relationship, be invited to go to any or all of the conferences, etc.... and I'm not comfortable with ANY of that. So, I got reactive and upset. The conversation just went worse and worse.
Each of us has tried to "patch it" or backfill over the course of the day. Yet, when I've not been busy, I find myself very, very concerned about the potential / probably lousy weekend we'll now spend. And, I lay the fault at my own feet. I did finally call her mid afternoon and took total responsibility for the conversation going badly and apologizing. For a more normal partnership, that might take care of..... but not one with a BPD partner.
There are serious conflicts in my mind and emotions over all of this. I didn't really want her at conferences because I've realized I don't engage as completely as I ought to with the conference activities with her there -- because, I tend to take a great deal of responsibility for her and the time she's having and her comfort levels. We seemed to have come to some resolution about that -- letting her be primarily responsible therein..... and I even relented on a soon upcoming conference to see how that might work out.
But, she's continued to stew and fuss over my honest telling that I feel freer and more relaxed to do that which I should do when she's not been along. Of course, part of the problem is that she's afeared I will do that which I should NOT do..... she has basic core trust issues.
My friend tells me I should just tell her, not this conference (pick one), but I'd like you to go to this other conference..... so that she doesn't feel so rejected.
But, I am really uncomfortable doing that when I'm not sure I can live another month in the same household with all this potential for conflict..... sigh.....
Wednesday past, evening follow-up
Didn't have a chance to post this before. Now, I'm hardly in the mood. But, I had wanted to record it so I will.
Wed, after I got home, the house was quiet and I stayed so too. M had apparently sedated herself or worn herself out.... the former being the most likely. I was very careful not to do anything that might disturb M, because I didn't care to have any more unpleasantries. I didn't even turn on the TV. Just ate, read, stayed quiet.
About 9:30, she roused and came down to take her night meds. Then, she shuffled into the living room and sat next to me. Leaning into me. I put my arm around her to acknowledge her and show some love..... After a few minutes, she said, "I'm sorry." Now, this is a rare, rare thing. I simply responded with, "Well, you crashed." No more, no less from either about the events of the morning.
She rested a bit more, then finally asked if I was coming up to bed soon. I told her that I was, in fact feeling tired and would be up shortly. She stayed a few more minutes. Then, I finally said, let's go on up to bed.
We did. We cuddled in. Went to sleep without further incident.
Thursday, yesterday was also without any notable incident, although I got concerned last night that she may have seen me as "unfriendly" at one point..... no use going into detail. However, it appeared that I had not sinned after all.
Wed, after I got home, the house was quiet and I stayed so too. M had apparently sedated herself or worn herself out.... the former being the most likely. I was very careful not to do anything that might disturb M, because I didn't care to have any more unpleasantries. I didn't even turn on the TV. Just ate, read, stayed quiet.
About 9:30, she roused and came down to take her night meds. Then, she shuffled into the living room and sat next to me. Leaning into me. I put my arm around her to acknowledge her and show some love..... After a few minutes, she said, "I'm sorry." Now, this is a rare, rare thing. I simply responded with, "Well, you crashed." No more, no less from either about the events of the morning.
She rested a bit more, then finally asked if I was coming up to bed soon. I told her that I was, in fact feeling tired and would be up shortly. She stayed a few more minutes. Then, I finally said, let's go on up to bed.
We did. We cuddled in. Went to sleep without further incident.
Thursday, yesterday was also without any notable incident, although I got concerned last night that she may have seen me as "unfriendly" at one point..... no use going into detail. However, it appeared that I had not sinned after all.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Today's note
When I got home today, I wasn't surprised to find a note. That is often what M does to "communicate" when I am not otherwise available due to sleeping or work. So, I thought I would transcribe this note. It's actually one of the milder, less nasty ones.
Dearest _____
As far as I can tell, women my age do NOT SETTLE for the kind of non-committed relationship that we have. I will always love you more than you love me and I do NOT find that acceptable. Do something about that. Never mind that I am now 5X years old and am most likely too old and worn out to ever have another meaningful relationship nor can I imaine ever loving anyone the way that I have loved hyou and put borth my best efforts to make you and your parents and the rest of your family happy and feel comfortable and welcome. What have I gotten in return? Last March, your brother didn't even know who I was -- after introducing myself. Had to mention your name. And I was only visiting the stores where he and his wife work because you were way TOO busy to spare the time. Are they MY relatives?! PS weeks and weeks ago you mentioned deal breakers (reading Dr Phil these days??) so what are they?
1) for you
2) what do I do?
P.S. I don't relish being treated like a non-entity. So WHO on your executive board or committees has caught your fancy? Sorry about the penmanship. Writing with a cast is a bitch.
My comments. Cute, huh. The martyrdom stuff. The feeling used and unloved. All that. With the crowning (and regular) touch of the assumption that there must be "some other woman" that I'm either interested in or involved with......
Sigh. It is sad, really. She cannot sort out her experiences with others from who or what I am. I am not a philanderer. But, her first husband was. I am determined that this relationship be dealt with on its own merits. In fact, while part of me knows it's pretty well inevitable to cease this problem-filled relationship with a nonrecovering borderline personality person, I am determined to give myself some healing and growth time after any ending before I get seriously involved with anyone else.
It breaks my heart to consider that I probably have to end this suddenly and firmly in the not too distant future. But, my well-being, my vitality, my health are all on the line. It's time to deal with that. Soon.
Dearest _____
As far as I can tell, women my age do NOT SETTLE for the kind of non-committed relationship that we have. I will always love you more than you love me and I do NOT find that acceptable. Do something about that. Never mind that I am now 5X years old and am most likely too old and worn out to ever have another meaningful relationship nor can I imaine ever loving anyone the way that I have loved hyou and put borth my best efforts to make you and your parents and the rest of your family happy and feel comfortable and welcome. What have I gotten in return? Last March, your brother didn't even know who I was -- after introducing myself. Had to mention your name. And I was only visiting the stores where he and his wife work because you were way TOO busy to spare the time. Are they MY relatives?! PS weeks and weeks ago you mentioned deal breakers (reading Dr Phil these days??) so what are they?
1) for you
2) what do I do?
P.S. I don't relish being treated like a non-entity. So WHO on your executive board or committees has caught your fancy? Sorry about the penmanship. Writing with a cast is a bitch.
My comments. Cute, huh. The martyrdom stuff. The feeling used and unloved. All that. With the crowning (and regular) touch of the assumption that there must be "some other woman" that I'm either interested in or involved with......
Sigh. It is sad, really. She cannot sort out her experiences with others from who or what I am. I am not a philanderer. But, her first husband was. I am determined that this relationship be dealt with on its own merits. In fact, while part of me knows it's pretty well inevitable to cease this problem-filled relationship with a nonrecovering borderline personality person, I am determined to give myself some healing and growth time after any ending before I get seriously involved with anyone else.
It breaks my heart to consider that I probably have to end this suddenly and firmly in the not too distant future. But, my well-being, my vitality, my health are all on the line. It's time to deal with that. Soon.
The inevitable crash
occurred overnight. From what I gathered this morning, I was insufficiently cordial last night, starting with shrugging off a question about how a (standing monthly) meeting had gone. Later, apparently, I further transgressed when M sat on the couch with me and, according to her, I said, "What are you doing?" or some such as that..... which, by this morning, she had decided was an indication that she was "invading my space.".
I, on the other hand, don't even remember the comment, and only really recall putting magazines and my glasses aside so she could sit down, and having a perfectly companionable hour or so on the couch as we watched some TV. I was still not feeling well, and began to snooze by 9:00 p.m. or so. Even that, at the time, didn't seem to create a problem. I awoke, or she spoke and I awoke, don't know which, and she asked if I could go upstairs to help change the bed clothes. We did, and then, I said I thought I'd stay in the bedroom, and she laughed and said she wasn't surprised since I'd already been snoring downstairs.
By 9:30, she called up the stair to see if it was OK for her to come up a read. I said sure (even though I was concerned about just how late she might have her bright reading light on -- disturbing my sleep. But, I wanted to remain as companionable and supportive as possible. That was the head space we'd seemed to be in lately.....
Little did I know.
So, I don't know what exactly happened, but after I was asleep for an hour or so, about 11:00 p.m., I awoke, and was clearly restless. She (in kindness I thought) turned her light off, and got up to go to the living room to read. But, my "spider sense" tingled a little. I think she was getting bothered by some aspect of the day / evening at that point as well.
Yet, she seemingly tried to be considerate and quiet over the course of the night. She does tend to be a night owl -- one of our fundamental differences. But she was quieter than usual. Which, I appreciated.
I got up at about 6:00 a.m. and came down to check on her. Noticed, and ignored, the glass of wine at her side, and told her I would be getting up before too much longer, but if she wanted to come to bed and cuddle in a while first, that'd be OK. She said something snarky about "I was up there for an hour or so already" whatever that might mean. I THINK it means she came back to bed for a while and I was so deeply asleep I didn't notice or something......
But, I left it be and went back to bed for about an hour. When I came down to start my coffee and make my breakfast, she (relatively quietly) absented herself to the bedroom. By the time I went up, she appeared to be trying to sleep -- TV was off, and such.....
So I closed the attached bathroom door and went about getting ready for work. 15 or so minutes later, I came out and discovered she had gone elsewhere. I dressed, then went to find her to kiss her goodbye, as I always try to do. It's a rule I have for myself.
I found her in the guest bedroom. Weeping, I think. But, I didn't engage her. Just kissed her hair, and told her I loved her and I'd see her later. She called out, "Oh, have AN ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL DAY"..... in a loud, hurt / hurtful voice.
I did not rise to the bait.
I did, however, check to see how much she'd had to drink over the course of the 1/2 night she'd been up. My estimate is 7 or 8 cans of beer and 2/3 of a bottle of wine. This is something she does when either swinging or in a negative phase, OR trying to cope with insomnia..... she doesn't seem to realize that the alcohol exacerbates her negative feelings as well as her reactions and interactions with the world. Her kids hate it.... have been on the other end of it. It is not a good thing -- AND, it is something I am certain she is NOT open or truthful about with her therapist....
Anyway, I departed without getting angry or further interacting. Within 15 minutes after I commenced my commute, though, my cell phone rang as I drove to work and it was her. Screaming about misplacing her glasses, and my having HER car with her spare pair..... Click. Then, within 5 more minutes, another screaming phone call -- that she'd found them and I didn't have to worry or bother myself. Click. Then another. Talking about the lack of commitment, and so on and so on.
She did let on that (apparently) part of the trigger for this mood crash had been "seeing something on TV about a couple that had lived together, cordially, for seven years. Then, finally got married. And once they were married, the man wanted out. Now." She then said, "I wonder why THAT stuck in my head...." I just said, I don't have a reply to that.
The last conversation we had, can't recall if it was that, I finally said, "This converasation is either going to end negatively, or just end", to which she said, "This conversation is over!" click.
I did get a couple minor, pissy text mails and a couple pissy emails. But that was it.
Got home, she must have crashed or drugged herself into quietude. I won't even go upstairs and check, for fear of awaking or disturbing her and having a conflict ensue -- although my intention is to withdraw from the household for a day or two before allowing that deterioration to occur for my part of it....
I, on the other hand, don't even remember the comment, and only really recall putting magazines and my glasses aside so she could sit down, and having a perfectly companionable hour or so on the couch as we watched some TV. I was still not feeling well, and began to snooze by 9:00 p.m. or so. Even that, at the time, didn't seem to create a problem. I awoke, or she spoke and I awoke, don't know which, and she asked if I could go upstairs to help change the bed clothes. We did, and then, I said I thought I'd stay in the bedroom, and she laughed and said she wasn't surprised since I'd already been snoring downstairs.
By 9:30, she called up the stair to see if it was OK for her to come up a read. I said sure (even though I was concerned about just how late she might have her bright reading light on -- disturbing my sleep. But, I wanted to remain as companionable and supportive as possible. That was the head space we'd seemed to be in lately.....
Little did I know.
So, I don't know what exactly happened, but after I was asleep for an hour or so, about 11:00 p.m., I awoke, and was clearly restless. She (in kindness I thought) turned her light off, and got up to go to the living room to read. But, my "spider sense" tingled a little. I think she was getting bothered by some aspect of the day / evening at that point as well.
Yet, she seemingly tried to be considerate and quiet over the course of the night. She does tend to be a night owl -- one of our fundamental differences. But she was quieter than usual. Which, I appreciated.
I got up at about 6:00 a.m. and came down to check on her. Noticed, and ignored, the glass of wine at her side, and told her I would be getting up before too much longer, but if she wanted to come to bed and cuddle in a while first, that'd be OK. She said something snarky about "I was up there for an hour or so already" whatever that might mean. I THINK it means she came back to bed for a while and I was so deeply asleep I didn't notice or something......
But, I left it be and went back to bed for about an hour. When I came down to start my coffee and make my breakfast, she (relatively quietly) absented herself to the bedroom. By the time I went up, she appeared to be trying to sleep -- TV was off, and such.....
So I closed the attached bathroom door and went about getting ready for work. 15 or so minutes later, I came out and discovered she had gone elsewhere. I dressed, then went to find her to kiss her goodbye, as I always try to do. It's a rule I have for myself.
I found her in the guest bedroom. Weeping, I think. But, I didn't engage her. Just kissed her hair, and told her I loved her and I'd see her later. She called out, "Oh, have AN ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL DAY"..... in a loud, hurt / hurtful voice.
I did not rise to the bait.
I did, however, check to see how much she'd had to drink over the course of the 1/2 night she'd been up. My estimate is 7 or 8 cans of beer and 2/3 of a bottle of wine. This is something she does when either swinging or in a negative phase, OR trying to cope with insomnia..... she doesn't seem to realize that the alcohol exacerbates her negative feelings as well as her reactions and interactions with the world. Her kids hate it.... have been on the other end of it. It is not a good thing -- AND, it is something I am certain she is NOT open or truthful about with her therapist....
Anyway, I departed without getting angry or further interacting. Within 15 minutes after I commenced my commute, though, my cell phone rang as I drove to work and it was her. Screaming about misplacing her glasses, and my having HER car with her spare pair..... Click. Then, within 5 more minutes, another screaming phone call -- that she'd found them and I didn't have to worry or bother myself. Click. Then another. Talking about the lack of commitment, and so on and so on.
She did let on that (apparently) part of the trigger for this mood crash had been "seeing something on TV about a couple that had lived together, cordially, for seven years. Then, finally got married. And once they were married, the man wanted out. Now." She then said, "I wonder why THAT stuck in my head...." I just said, I don't have a reply to that.
The last conversation we had, can't recall if it was that, I finally said, "This converasation is either going to end negatively, or just end", to which she said, "This conversation is over!" click.
I did get a couple minor, pissy text mails and a couple pissy emails. But that was it.
Got home, she must have crashed or drugged herself into quietude. I won't even go upstairs and check, for fear of awaking or disturbing her and having a conflict ensue -- although my intention is to withdraw from the household for a day or two before allowing that deterioration to occur for my part of it....
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
How to reconcile the irreconcilable
Here's the problem I'm having. I cannot reconcile the idea of a continuing relationship with M and:
and on, and on.
Then, there is my own interest in getting in better shape. Playing the piano more often. Exploring interesting ideas (paganism, druidism, eastern thought, yoga).
Travel to Europe and such.....
Doing my job well, without guilt or rancor at home....
I also hate to give up lovely country grounds and gardens. Yet, I think anymore, I would actually prefer a bit more urban, connected living quarters.
I could probably go on and on. But I return to the title, how do you reconcile the irreconcilable?
- a troubled relationship / history she has with my older son
- same with my mother
- same with my brothers, and especially their wives
- and the prospect of having to manage my way, and help my mother, as my father contends with Alzheimer's
- and trying to be a long-distant granddad to my 4 y.o. granddaughter
- and trying to preserve, even improve, my relationships with my own relatives
and on, and on.
Then, there is my own interest in getting in better shape. Playing the piano more often. Exploring interesting ideas (paganism, druidism, eastern thought, yoga).
Travel to Europe and such.....
Doing my job well, without guilt or rancor at home....
I also hate to give up lovely country grounds and gardens. Yet, I think anymore, I would actually prefer a bit more urban, connected living quarters.
I could probably go on and on. But I return to the title, how do you reconcile the irreconcilable?
Leaving with integrity?
During one of the recent negative phases, one assertion / accusation M made was that, "You know, if you decided to leave, you wouldn't tell me ahead of time." Put it in terms of "integrity". As in, "You wouldn't have the integrity to tell me in advance...."
She went an interesting step further, saying, "Let's say, for example, you'd rented an apartment and you were going to leave on say, February 14th.... You wouldn't have the integrity to say so beforehand. You'd just go...."
Well, I was struck, but not surprised, by the theoretical date. When I ran it by my therapist, she said, "Marilyn believes you are capable of some real cruelty." We decided that made sense when put in context of her relationship with her abusive mother and the parental aspect of our relationship.
Anyway, all the advice I've seen out there says, in fact, NOT to telegraph or warn or give advance notice. With BPD folk, the safest, sanest way is to make the arrangements quietly, thoroughly, and then act suddenly and decisively.
I can attest that trying to ease out or fix things or retain what's good and repair what's broken and troubled..... doesn't work well.
It's been like tearing apart slowly and painfully and in a crueler way than necessary.
She went an interesting step further, saying, "Let's say, for example, you'd rented an apartment and you were going to leave on say, February 14th.... You wouldn't have the integrity to say so beforehand. You'd just go...."
Well, I was struck, but not surprised, by the theoretical date. When I ran it by my therapist, she said, "Marilyn believes you are capable of some real cruelty." We decided that made sense when put in context of her relationship with her abusive mother and the parental aspect of our relationship.
Anyway, all the advice I've seen out there says, in fact, NOT to telegraph or warn or give advance notice. With BPD folk, the safest, sanest way is to make the arrangements quietly, thoroughly, and then act suddenly and decisively.
I can attest that trying to ease out or fix things or retain what's good and repair what's broken and troubled..... doesn't work well.
It's been like tearing apart slowly and painfully and in a crueler way than necessary.
Monday, January 15, 2007
maybe my epitaph
except that I'm inclined not to want a headstone or memorial.... but, I love this:
"Two tears in a bucket; mother fuck it". Lady Chaplis, Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil.
Don't know where the expression may have originated from..... did't find a wikipedia listing or anything useful via google.
What hits I get, say the expression is another way to say "shit happens". /Pop
"Two tears in a bucket; mother fuck it". Lady Chaplis, Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil.
Don't know where the expression may have originated from..... did't find a wikipedia listing or anything useful via google.
What hits I get, say the expression is another way to say "shit happens". /Pop
The BPD splitting
Splitting is a difficult thing to deal with day in and day out -- or more accurately, from moment to moment. You see, the partner of a person with borderline personality disorder is regularly viewed as either the most wonderful person in the world, high on a pedestal, or the worst of the dregs of humanity and completely devalued.
For me, the early periods of the relationship had lots of the idealization, regularly a more moderated mood and view, and also regularly, a split toward the extreme negative toward others
(current husband, boss, kids, ex-husband (since deceased).
M has been off work on disability for nearly 10 years now. In this relationship as a primary for a dozen. Kids are grown and moved..... and that key separation started to occur a few years back. And, we moved to the country to additionally reduce stress....
So, with no boss, no ex-husband, no kids, and nothing else to focus blame for negative feelings on, I became the primary focus -- and the primary target of blame.
I'd say that really got out of hand 3 or 4 years ago. I haen't really held up well in the villain role, and now feeling regularly attacked, I lash back. Strictly yelling and stomping about. But, I'm frustrated that the state of this relationship has come to this. Almost no where else, in fact, no where else that I can think of, do I so quickly "draw sword" in response to anger or negative talk. Just at home when I'm split to black (negative) by M.
I think at one time, and for a time, this relationship brought the best out in me. OTOH, it also has hugely exacerbated a tendency I have toward codependency. But, no more. I don't feel like it brings out the best, but rather, the worst in me.
And, I know I'm having to gauge all this in terms of my own health, vitality, and well-being.
Add to that, the negative and unforgiving and unforgetting feelings she has toward my family (mom, son, brothers and their wives....) and I don't feel too optimistic.
My son tells me to "float downstream" when I can, until I am ready to make a firm decision about where I am going (not we, me) in all this. There will come a time, soon, where I have to make that decision.
I hate to leave all that is good and lovely in her. Yet, I cannot see where there can be the reconciliation of feelings and history that would have to occur to remain together much longer.
I can hardly accept the idea that I have to have a separate life with my family and with M. That's just not right.
When you heap that idea on top of the spoken and unspoken feelings of abandonment and "not having enough time together" that I get from her -- when, from my perspective, I spend virtually all of my off-work time at home. Have minimized my meetings and work responsibilities as much as possible, and on and on....
Where can this go, but toward some end, planned or not. Friendly or not. Where else can it truly go?
For me, the early periods of the relationship had lots of the idealization, regularly a more moderated mood and view, and also regularly, a split toward the extreme negative toward others
(current husband, boss, kids, ex-husband (since deceased).
M has been off work on disability for nearly 10 years now. In this relationship as a primary for a dozen. Kids are grown and moved..... and that key separation started to occur a few years back. And, we moved to the country to additionally reduce stress....
So, with no boss, no ex-husband, no kids, and nothing else to focus blame for negative feelings on, I became the primary focus -- and the primary target of blame.
I'd say that really got out of hand 3 or 4 years ago. I haen't really held up well in the villain role, and now feeling regularly attacked, I lash back. Strictly yelling and stomping about. But, I'm frustrated that the state of this relationship has come to this. Almost no where else, in fact, no where else that I can think of, do I so quickly "draw sword" in response to anger or negative talk. Just at home when I'm split to black (negative) by M.
I think at one time, and for a time, this relationship brought the best out in me. OTOH, it also has hugely exacerbated a tendency I have toward codependency. But, no more. I don't feel like it brings out the best, but rather, the worst in me.
And, I know I'm having to gauge all this in terms of my own health, vitality, and well-being.
Add to that, the negative and unforgiving and unforgetting feelings she has toward my family (mom, son, brothers and their wives....) and I don't feel too optimistic.
My son tells me to "float downstream" when I can, until I am ready to make a firm decision about where I am going (not we, me) in all this. There will come a time, soon, where I have to make that decision.
I hate to leave all that is good and lovely in her. Yet, I cannot see where there can be the reconciliation of feelings and history that would have to occur to remain together much longer.
I can hardly accept the idea that I have to have a separate life with my family and with M. That's just not right.
When you heap that idea on top of the spoken and unspoken feelings of abandonment and "not having enough time together" that I get from her -- when, from my perspective, I spend virtually all of my off-work time at home. Have minimized my meetings and work responsibilities as much as possible, and on and on....
Where can this go, but toward some end, planned or not. Friendly or not. Where else can it truly go?
The BPD splitting
Splitting is a difficult thing to deal with day in and day out -- or more accurately, from moment to moment. You see, the partner of a person with borderline personality disorder is regularly viewed as either the most wonderful person in the world, high on a pedestal, or the worst of the dregs of humanity and completely devalued.
For me, the early periods of the relationship had lots of the idealization, regularly a more moderated mood and view, and also regularly, a split toward the extreme negative toward others
(current husband, boss, kids, ex-husband (since deceased).
M has been off work on disability for nearly 10 years now. In this relationship as a primary for a dozen. Kids are grown and moved..... and that key separation started to occur a few years back. And, we moved to the country to additionally reduce stress....
So, with no boss, no ex-husband, no kids, and nothing else to focus blame for negative feelings on, I became the primary focus -- and the primary target of blame.
I'd say that really got out of hand 3 or 4 years ago. I haen't really held up well in the villain role, and now feeling regularly attacked, I lash back. Strictly yelling and stomping about. But, I'm frustrated that the state of this relationship has come to this. Almost no where else, in fact, no where else that I can think of, do I so quickly "draw sword" in response to anger or negative talk. Just at home when I'm split to black (negative) by M.
I think at one time, and for a time, this relationship brought the best out in me. OTOH, it also has hugely exacerbated a tendency I have toward codependency. But, no more. I don't feel like it brings out the best, but rather, the worst in me.
And, I know I'm having to gauge all this in terms of my own health, vitality, and well-being.
Add to that, the negative and unforgiving and unforgetting feelings she has toward my family (mom, son, brothers and their wives....) and I don't feel too optimistic.
My son tells me to "float downstream" when I can, until I am ready to make a firm decision about where I am going (not we, me) in all this. There will come a time, soon, where I have to make that decision.
I hate to leave all that is good and lovely in her. Yet, I cannot see where there can be the reconciliation of feelings and history that would have to occur to remain together much longer.
I can hardly accept the idea that I have to have a separate life with my family and with M. That's just not right.
When you heap that idea on top of the spoken and unspoken feelings of abandonment and "not having enough time together" that I get from her -- when, from my perspective, I spend virtually all of my off-work time at home. Have minimized my meetings and work responsibilities as much as possible, and on and on....
Where can this go, but toward some end, planned or not. Friendly or not. Where else can it truly go?
For me, the early periods of the relationship had lots of the idealization, regularly a more moderated mood and view, and also regularly, a split toward the extreme negative toward others
(current husband, boss, kids, ex-husband (since deceased).
M has been off work on disability for nearly 10 years now. In this relationship as a primary for a dozen. Kids are grown and moved..... and that key separation started to occur a few years back. And, we moved to the country to additionally reduce stress....
So, with no boss, no ex-husband, no kids, and nothing else to focus blame for negative feelings on, I became the primary focus -- and the primary target of blame.
I'd say that really got out of hand 3 or 4 years ago. I haen't really held up well in the villain role, and now feeling regularly attacked, I lash back. Strictly yelling and stomping about. But, I'm frustrated that the state of this relationship has come to this. Almost no where else, in fact, no where else that I can think of, do I so quickly "draw sword" in response to anger or negative talk. Just at home when I'm split to black (negative) by M.
I think at one time, and for a time, this relationship brought the best out in me. OTOH, it also has hugely exacerbated a tendency I have toward codependency. But, no more. I don't feel like it brings out the best, but rather, the worst in me.
And, I know I'm having to gauge all this in terms of my own health, vitality, and well-being.
Add to that, the negative and unforgiving and unforgetting feelings she has toward my family (mom, son, brothers and their wives....) and I don't feel too optimistic.
My son tells me to "float downstream" when I can, until I am ready to make a firm decision about where I am going (not we, me) in all this. There will come a time, soon, where I have to make that decision.
I hate to leave all that is good and lovely in her. Yet, I cannot see where there can be the reconciliation of feelings and history that would have to occur to remain together much longer.
I can hardly accept the idea that I have to have a separate life with my family and with M. That's just not right.
When you heap that idea on top of the spoken and unspoken feelings of abandonment and "not having enough time together" that I get from her -- when, from my perspective, I spend virtually all of my off-work time at home. Have minimized my meetings and work responsibilities as much as possible, and on and on....
Where can this go, but toward some end, planned or not. Friendly or not. Where else can it truly go?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Things got better, as the often do
Tuesday night,the 9th, we had some words. I'd stayed patient, to a point, but it was only after I got peeved and lashed that she finally settled down and got more civil. My therapist tells me setting me off, getting me angry, is a primary way M currently finds to finally "feel connected". That goes back to the conflicted / abusive relationship with her mother....
Wednesday she decided to keep the doctor appointment -- went, got the cast changed, it felt LOTS better, and so, so did she. Surprise....
Since then, she's been a bit more reasonable,even loving at times.
But, I've been a little virusy and under the weather, especially the last several days..... and now, I'm virtually certain she's coming down with it too.
But, so far this last few days we've both been reasonable and tolerant, even when not feeling terribly well.
this too shall pass. For better or ill....
Wednesday she decided to keep the doctor appointment -- went, got the cast changed, it felt LOTS better, and so, so did she. Surprise....
Since then, she's been a bit more reasonable,even loving at times.
But, I've been a little virusy and under the weather, especially the last several days..... and now, I'm virtually certain she's coming down with it too.
But, so far this last few days we've both been reasonable and tolerant, even when not feeling terribly well.
this too shall pass. For better or ill....
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Tired of living with crazy
So, she has thumb surgery. There's a surgical pin under the cast, it's rubbing and hurting. Chronic pain. I call the dr's office and the dr wants her to come in to have the cast modified f0r better comfort.... Office offers an appt day after I call, in the a.m. and she refuses to go. "They'll just make it hurt worse". I did manage to reschedule to tomorrow afternoon, when she might be a bit more awake and cooperative than in the a.m.s, but I'm not optimistic.
Yes, I know it's not my thumb. But the forearm and thumb are a bit swollen. She has pain meds. A sane person would take the pain meds (as per the dr's suggestion) and go get rechecked.
I'm tired of living with crazy.
Then, there's the issue of my sleeping with "one eye open". Sunday night got conflicted when, after I came to bed and after being "left to yourself" "didn't bother you today" and all that, she started in on a few feelings and remarks. I tolerated it for a few minutes, but it was hard because I was very tired from a virus and from the general sense of un-ease in the household. (I kept trying to assist her over the weekend, as is my duty considering she's convalescing, not to mention I still have love and kindness in my heart for her.) I was also keyed up about needing a good night's sleep because of a meeting taking place on Monday a.m. that I needed to be sharp for. (It's not unusual in such a case for M to have a crisis and make trouble over the course of the night).
Anyway, finally something set me off -- the cat of all things. And I got angry, got out of bed, and went downstairs to "cool off". She came down about 5 minutes later to insist that I go to bed, she'd stay up. Sorry to have upset, and all that. Well, after an adrendaline surge so late into my cicadian rhythms, I did not sleep well at all. Not at all. BUT, I considered that my own fault. She actually hadn't started any particular conflict. I just was straining to be patient and unreactive and just listen when the cat did something that jangled my nerves at just the wrong time.
So, last night I had an evening appointment. Stopped at home to check on her, got told she wasn't expecting me to be home and didn't need any assistance (not nasty, but not exactly warm and fuzzy either). Asked her if she wanted to talk anything over, and shs didn't. So I went to my appointment, got home as expected about 9:50 p and went to the bedroom where she was watching TV.
I settled into bed. She made a couple minor remarks. Then a few minutes later, started in for real on how awful the last 3 weeks have been and how all this ill feeling goes back to when I (me, not her) got angry on Xmas, and so on and on. Inappropriate at a late hour, but I tolerated it it patiently. Tried hard not to react or respond in kind. Just listened and acknowledged her as she talked. She got a bit heated. I thought perhaps she'd get it out of her system and then settle down. But, no. She got worked up and went on downstairs.
I watched TV a few more minutes, then decided to honor my fatigue and try to go to sleep. I though I would drop right off. Didn't happen.
You see, there's been numerous times when she's burst into the room and made trouble in the middle of the night. Last Friday night (wee hours of Sat, actually) was a good example. She was civil enough when I went to bed. But too much thinking, feeling and a bottle of wine, and she went slamming through rooms and slamming doors and turning lights on and making problems in the middle of the night.
So, I guess that episode, with others of the past, was bothering my psyche. I slept like a warrior. Ears pricked. Every noise she made roused me out of the light sleep. Apparently some part of me was concerned at the "danger", even if it was only to my good night's sleep.
So, I slept lightly, tossed and turned, until she finally came to bed without incident. I settled down some, but never felt like I slept well or enough. So today I'm tired again. Not functioning as well as I'd ought.
and I'm tired, tired, tired of living with crazy..... /Pop
Yes, I know it's not my thumb. But the forearm and thumb are a bit swollen. She has pain meds. A sane person would take the pain meds (as per the dr's suggestion) and go get rechecked.
I'm tired of living with crazy.
Then, there's the issue of my sleeping with "one eye open". Sunday night got conflicted when, after I came to bed and after being "left to yourself" "didn't bother you today" and all that, she started in on a few feelings and remarks. I tolerated it for a few minutes, but it was hard because I was very tired from a virus and from the general sense of un-ease in the household. (I kept trying to assist her over the weekend, as is my duty considering she's convalescing, not to mention I still have love and kindness in my heart for her.) I was also keyed up about needing a good night's sleep because of a meeting taking place on Monday a.m. that I needed to be sharp for. (It's not unusual in such a case for M to have a crisis and make trouble over the course of the night).
Anyway, finally something set me off -- the cat of all things. And I got angry, got out of bed, and went downstairs to "cool off". She came down about 5 minutes later to insist that I go to bed, she'd stay up. Sorry to have upset, and all that. Well, after an adrendaline surge so late into my cicadian rhythms, I did not sleep well at all. Not at all. BUT, I considered that my own fault. She actually hadn't started any particular conflict. I just was straining to be patient and unreactive and just listen when the cat did something that jangled my nerves at just the wrong time.
So, last night I had an evening appointment. Stopped at home to check on her, got told she wasn't expecting me to be home and didn't need any assistance (not nasty, but not exactly warm and fuzzy either). Asked her if she wanted to talk anything over, and shs didn't. So I went to my appointment, got home as expected about 9:50 p and went to the bedroom where she was watching TV.
I settled into bed. She made a couple minor remarks. Then a few minutes later, started in for real on how awful the last 3 weeks have been and how all this ill feeling goes back to when I (me, not her) got angry on Xmas, and so on and on. Inappropriate at a late hour, but I tolerated it it patiently. Tried hard not to react or respond in kind. Just listened and acknowledged her as she talked. She got a bit heated. I thought perhaps she'd get it out of her system and then settle down. But, no. She got worked up and went on downstairs.
I watched TV a few more minutes, then decided to honor my fatigue and try to go to sleep. I though I would drop right off. Didn't happen.
You see, there's been numerous times when she's burst into the room and made trouble in the middle of the night. Last Friday night (wee hours of Sat, actually) was a good example. She was civil enough when I went to bed. But too much thinking, feeling and a bottle of wine, and she went slamming through rooms and slamming doors and turning lights on and making problems in the middle of the night.
So, I guess that episode, with others of the past, was bothering my psyche. I slept like a warrior. Ears pricked. Every noise she made roused me out of the light sleep. Apparently some part of me was concerned at the "danger", even if it was only to my good night's sleep.
So, I slept lightly, tossed and turned, until she finally came to bed without incident. I settled down some, but never felt like I slept well or enough. So today I'm tired again. Not functioning as well as I'd ought.
and I'm tired, tired, tired of living with crazy..... /Pop
Sunday, January 7, 2007
solitary confinement
OK, here's another bit of fuss from me to whomever may read this (maybe only me, since this is somewhat serving as a journal for me....)
I actually expressed a NEED recently.... Not elegantly, but I did so. A need for more quiet time / more time to myself on occasion. You see, I enjoy solitude. Don't need a steady diet, but I need to have some me time and some solitary time.
Well, a BP fears aloneness and loneliness is always just around the corner for them. SO, M has not been able to understand what I think was a reasonable need / request. That is, that when I need to have some quiet time -- some solitary time -- that I can absent myself from the room or house as required, without recrimination....
For years, I've felt like I either have to be at work, or at home, and my time and whereabouts have to be known at all times.... I've come to realize, that's a strait jacket that's not appropriate and not fair to me.
What I wanted, and expressed, was that on occasion if I don't want to be around the TV, or want it to be quiet, or have some alone time, that I take it -- and take the responsibility for going elsewhere in the house. Or elsewhere from the home.
BUT, in true borderline form, she's gone to the extreme. Leaving me be almost all of the time if I'm home. She insists on being elsewhere. She even checked the guide channel on the digital box with the main TV muted....
It's a totally unnecessary reaction, but typical.... and I don't see how I can really address it other than to let it blow over as it will eventually. /Pop
I actually expressed a NEED recently.... Not elegantly, but I did so. A need for more quiet time / more time to myself on occasion. You see, I enjoy solitude. Don't need a steady diet, but I need to have some me time and some solitary time.
Well, a BP fears aloneness and loneliness is always just around the corner for them. SO, M has not been able to understand what I think was a reasonable need / request. That is, that when I need to have some quiet time -- some solitary time -- that I can absent myself from the room or house as required, without recrimination....
For years, I've felt like I either have to be at work, or at home, and my time and whereabouts have to be known at all times.... I've come to realize, that's a strait jacket that's not appropriate and not fair to me.
What I wanted, and expressed, was that on occasion if I don't want to be around the TV, or want it to be quiet, or have some alone time, that I take it -- and take the responsibility for going elsewhere in the house. Or elsewhere from the home.
BUT, in true borderline form, she's gone to the extreme. Leaving me be almost all of the time if I'm home. She insists on being elsewhere. She even checked the guide channel on the digital box with the main TV muted....
It's a totally unnecessary reaction, but typical.... and I don't see how I can really address it other than to let it blow over as it will eventually. /Pop
C'mon, c'mon, get happy?!?!
So, here's the rub. I absolutely agree with Gray (Mars/Venus) when he says, "Husbands do not leave wives because they no longer love them, they leave because they can't make them happy. Generally speaking, a man gives up on a relstionship when he feels powerless to succeed in fulfilling his partner."
Now, I understand that in many cases of typical hetero couples, men and women do not really understand the other sex's needs.... But, here's a rub: IF a man is motivated, as I am, primarily by a desire to make their mate happy.... and it becomes apparent that the mate is incapable, as it stands after some time, of being happy.... then what?? /Pop
Now, I understand that in many cases of typical hetero couples, men and women do not really understand the other sex's needs.... But, here's a rub: IF a man is motivated, as I am, primarily by a desire to make their mate happy.... and it becomes apparent that the mate is incapable, as it stands after some time, of being happy.... then what?? /Pop
Why does she torture herself?
OK, so the surgery that she had was to reconstruct the basal joint of the thumb. All the cartilage had worn away (overuse and arthritis I suppose). She's in a hard cast on her right forearm, immoblizing the thumb. Me, I'd think that would indicate I should keep my use of that digit to a minimum. Only the tip moves. Fingers are free to move.....
So, here is what keeps happening. She gets the pain under control (doctor said she really should be past the worst of it by now). Feels a little better, then tries to do something with her right hand (she's right handed) that stresses the thumb or something. While it's encouraged to wiggle and use the fingers, I think the thumb is probably supposed to be kept inactive. Why else immobilize it?? No, she aggravates it, then is upset because it hurts so much.
She's sitting in a chair resenting the doctor, and that he pinned the repair (pinning into the bone does increase the pain and the recovery, I think), and generally hating the world.
Yet, she brought this on herself. Today, it was cleaning at the bath tub in some manner, and taking the decorations off the Xmas tree. Got the pain flaring and now she's upset.
I don't remember what other activities she's done in the last several days, except for one where she was trying to hang up some pants. That was the original aggravation. Since, she's done at least one or two things to aggravate the pain, plus the activity today.
AND, on top of all that, she's being stubborn about taking pain pills. She says, "The almighty doctor says it shouldn't hurt anymore, so it must not hurt." Never mind that she's in pain and has the wherewithal to address it. That is not her choice and I cannot force her to some other. /Pop
I
So, here is what keeps happening. She gets the pain under control (doctor said she really should be past the worst of it by now). Feels a little better, then tries to do something with her right hand (she's right handed) that stresses the thumb or something. While it's encouraged to wiggle and use the fingers, I think the thumb is probably supposed to be kept inactive. Why else immobilize it?? No, she aggravates it, then is upset because it hurts so much.
She's sitting in a chair resenting the doctor, and that he pinned the repair (pinning into the bone does increase the pain and the recovery, I think), and generally hating the world.
Yet, she brought this on herself. Today, it was cleaning at the bath tub in some manner, and taking the decorations off the Xmas tree. Got the pain flaring and now she's upset.
I don't remember what other activities she's done in the last several days, except for one where she was trying to hang up some pants. That was the original aggravation. Since, she's done at least one or two things to aggravate the pain, plus the activity today.
AND, on top of all that, she's being stubborn about taking pain pills. She says, "The almighty doctor says it shouldn't hurt anymore, so it must not hurt." Never mind that she's in pain and has the wherewithal to address it. That is not her choice and I cannot force her to some other. /Pop
I
Mars / Venus
One of the misadventures of this fall is, sensing we were fighting more and getting along less (lots of reasons, a car accident, my 78 y.o. dad's health etc) M began reading and studying on relationship (saving) books. She started with the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book (I'm not a Dr Phil fan, either....) and "suggested I read it and work through the exercises too...."
Big mistake on her part. As Gray says in the intro of the Mars /Venus Together Forever book (another on my "assigned reading list") -- "If you hand (a man) a book and say 'you need this' it creates more resistance.".
Yes, I've read most of the book, because I agreed to at least do that. And I just finished the first Mars / Venus book -- which, was unexpectedly helpful. And, now I'm starting into the Together Forever one.....
But, she's looking for a miracle -- in particular, some miraculous change in me.
Yet, as I read something like Gray writes in the first chapter, "(Men) They do not know who to remain strong while providing emotional support." I reflect on the fact from my point of view that in large part, within this relationship, I had done EXACTLY that. Strength AND emotional support.
I've tried to be patient, hoping that she would work through her issues, stemming from her childhood and first and second marriages. Yet, she's remained mostly arrested in her healing and progress.
Interestingly, a while back someone told me that in reality, I've allowed her to remain ill, rather than created a safe space for her to move toward better psycho-emotional health.
That, I now knows, comes from co-dependent tendencies that started to develop in my youth, and became highly developed (without my really realizing it) during my first marriage -- to a Catholic Princess (only child, body image and sexual issues.....)
And in this relationship, now that her children have moved, and her life ought to be far less stressful, she's harder to live with than ever and now I'M part of the problem in her universe instead of part of the solution and safety.
I'm troubled by how little she seems to understand that the difficult reality she often lives in is one she creates....
I also am frustrated that she's read the Dr Phil stuff, and worked through much of the exercises, and thinks she's made "huge changes". She's read the Mars/Venus book, and ought to have a better understanding of how each of us currently express ourselves unfruitfully an dhow each of us can communicate and respond in ways that are more likely to be heard and accepted by the other -- I don't feel as if she's adjusted her way of communicating and dealing with me in any real and permanent manner.
Yes, there's been a few conversations that she handled in a way that reflected her readings. But, they've been few and far between.
Mostly she's miserable in her world and seems to want me to fix it for her. She doesn't realize that her's is a bottomless pit of need and despair and no matter how much love I've given, it's not been enough....
\/Pop
Big mistake on her part. As Gray says in the intro of the Mars /Venus Together Forever book (another on my "assigned reading list") -- "If you hand (a man) a book and say 'you need this' it creates more resistance.".
Yes, I've read most of the book, because I agreed to at least do that. And I just finished the first Mars / Venus book -- which, was unexpectedly helpful. And, now I'm starting into the Together Forever one.....
But, she's looking for a miracle -- in particular, some miraculous change in me.
Yet, as I read something like Gray writes in the first chapter, "(Men) They do not know who to remain strong while providing emotional support." I reflect on the fact from my point of view that in large part, within this relationship, I had done EXACTLY that. Strength AND emotional support.
I've tried to be patient, hoping that she would work through her issues, stemming from her childhood and first and second marriages. Yet, she's remained mostly arrested in her healing and progress.
Interestingly, a while back someone told me that in reality, I've allowed her to remain ill, rather than created a safe space for her to move toward better psycho-emotional health.
That, I now knows, comes from co-dependent tendencies that started to develop in my youth, and became highly developed (without my really realizing it) during my first marriage -- to a Catholic Princess (only child, body image and sexual issues.....)
And in this relationship, now that her children have moved, and her life ought to be far less stressful, she's harder to live with than ever and now I'M part of the problem in her universe instead of part of the solution and safety.
I'm troubled by how little she seems to understand that the difficult reality she often lives in is one she creates....
I also am frustrated that she's read the Dr Phil stuff, and worked through much of the exercises, and thinks she's made "huge changes". She's read the Mars/Venus book, and ought to have a better understanding of how each of us currently express ourselves unfruitfully an dhow each of us can communicate and respond in ways that are more likely to be heard and accepted by the other -- I don't feel as if she's adjusted her way of communicating and dealing with me in any real and permanent manner.
Yes, there's been a few conversations that she handled in a way that reflected her readings. But, they've been few and far between.
Mostly she's miserable in her world and seems to want me to fix it for her. She doesn't realize that her's is a bottomless pit of need and despair and no matter how much love I've given, it's not been enough....
\/Pop
Looks like a dismal Sunday 1/7
We've had a minor gastro virus in the household over the last few days, she and I. On top of that, she's been recovering from semi-minor surgery. And on top of that I've let on on occasions in the past, but not in recent days, that I am having a heckuva time staying in the relationship.
I got a fairly good bit of sleep, and feel mostly recovered from the virus, but not completely. Still a little physically tired. I've waited patiently for her to awaken so as to gauge where her mood may be today -- not good. Yesterday, for reasons unknown to me other than general down sentiment (she's been in some pain, then feeling sick for a number of days) -- she began to feel insecure.
Me, I've been careful to show much more patience and a far more caring and helpful attitude for most of the week. I truly have been torn about whether to stay or go..... but days like this make it all the more difficult to entertain remainig.
She apparently woke up unhappy and perhaps sad and worried. It mostly comes across as a seething quiet anger. I keep trying to show caring and concern....
But her unhappiness seems to be washing over me like waves beating against a rocky shore. I've always had to be "the rock" -- grounded and dependable no matter what beat against me. The troubles began in earnest, though, when it seemed the rock had become part of the water's problems and not part of what supports and contains it.
I can only try to remain patient and forebearing. But, I also must continue to search my own needs and feelings and see what is the best for me and my vital well-being.
Most who know my story counsel moving on.
When I feel strong and grounded and firm, I sometimes want to retain and continue all that has been good for us together and make more of it.
But, mostly, I just feel wearied and worn.
Like a warrior who hopes not to be attacked. Who would like to lay aside his sword, but cannot, because the land in which he dwells remains a wild and dangerous place. /Pop
I got a fairly good bit of sleep, and feel mostly recovered from the virus, but not completely. Still a little physically tired. I've waited patiently for her to awaken so as to gauge where her mood may be today -- not good. Yesterday, for reasons unknown to me other than general down sentiment (she's been in some pain, then feeling sick for a number of days) -- she began to feel insecure.
Me, I've been careful to show much more patience and a far more caring and helpful attitude for most of the week. I truly have been torn about whether to stay or go..... but days like this make it all the more difficult to entertain remainig.
She apparently woke up unhappy and perhaps sad and worried. It mostly comes across as a seething quiet anger. I keep trying to show caring and concern....
But her unhappiness seems to be washing over me like waves beating against a rocky shore. I've always had to be "the rock" -- grounded and dependable no matter what beat against me. The troubles began in earnest, though, when it seemed the rock had become part of the water's problems and not part of what supports and contains it.
I can only try to remain patient and forebearing. But, I also must continue to search my own needs and feelings and see what is the best for me and my vital well-being.
Most who know my story counsel moving on.
When I feel strong and grounded and firm, I sometimes want to retain and continue all that has been good for us together and make more of it.
But, mostly, I just feel wearied and worn.
Like a warrior who hopes not to be attacked. Who would like to lay aside his sword, but cannot, because the land in which he dwells remains a wild and dangerous place. /Pop
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Life in BPD Oz
Life with a BPD partner is strange, strange, strange. Ole Pop Heidenwach has been involved with a BPD woman (borderline personality disorder) for many years. Until my patience is nearly exhausted. All of the normal vagaries between men and women are amplified. The highs are higher, lows are lower.
It's a strange thing to want to make someone happy who just probably isn't capable of deep, abiding happiness.
Her childhood was shit. Abusive mother. Alcoholic parents. Multiple incidents of sexual abuse at the hands of a peers and brother's friends. And so on. And, she's never made peace with her history and the roots of her issues -- which is necessary to truly heal.
I find myself deeply conflicted between my needs and hers. Of course, I tend toward codependency..... So, I am truly challenged to sort out what's best for me and whether it's possible after all this time to have a healthy, abiding relationship.
Then there's the conflict between her and my family, on her part as far as I know. No one in my family except my son has ever said anything against her and / or suggested I should leave the relationship. Yes, they're concerned about my well-being. But, no one has said anything against her.
But, she's convinced herself that my mother doesn't like her (not so), that my brothers and their wives don't like her, and on and on.
Meanwhile, I end up feeling like I cannot visit them or my folks or my son in NC without paying a severe emotional crisised price at home.
So, yes, this is my journal like "dump" today. Not for any reason other than to give me a chance to vent. /pop
It's a strange thing to want to make someone happy who just probably isn't capable of deep, abiding happiness.
Her childhood was shit. Abusive mother. Alcoholic parents. Multiple incidents of sexual abuse at the hands of a peers and brother's friends. And so on. And, she's never made peace with her history and the roots of her issues -- which is necessary to truly heal.
I find myself deeply conflicted between my needs and hers. Of course, I tend toward codependency..... So, I am truly challenged to sort out what's best for me and whether it's possible after all this time to have a healthy, abiding relationship.
Then there's the conflict between her and my family, on her part as far as I know. No one in my family except my son has ever said anything against her and / or suggested I should leave the relationship. Yes, they're concerned about my well-being. But, no one has said anything against her.
But, she's convinced herself that my mother doesn't like her (not so), that my brothers and their wives don't like her, and on and on.
Meanwhile, I end up feeling like I cannot visit them or my folks or my son in NC without paying a severe emotional crisised price at home.
So, yes, this is my journal like "dump" today. Not for any reason other than to give me a chance to vent. /pop
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