Tired of living with crazy

So, she has thumb surgery. There's a surgical pin under the cast, it's rubbing and hurting. Chronic pain. I call the dr's office and the dr wants her to come in to have the cast modified f0r better comfort.... Office offers an appt day after I call, in the a.m. and she refuses to go. "They'll just make it hurt worse". I did manage to reschedule to tomorrow afternoon, when she might be a bit more awake and cooperative than in the a.m.s, but I'm not optimistic.

Yes, I know it's not my thumb. But the forearm and thumb are a bit swollen. She has pain meds. A sane person would take the pain meds (as per the dr's suggestion) and go get rechecked.

I'm tired of living with crazy.

Then, there's the issue of my sleeping with "one eye open". Sunday night got conflicted when, after I came to bed and after being "left to yourself" "didn't bother you today" and all that, she started in on a few feelings and remarks. I tolerated it for a few minutes, but it was hard because I was very tired from a virus and from the general sense of un-ease in the household. (I kept trying to assist her over the weekend, as is my duty considering she's convalescing, not to mention I still have love and kindness in my heart for her.) I was also keyed up about needing a good night's sleep because of a meeting taking place on Monday a.m. that I needed to be sharp for. (It's not unusual in such a case for M to have a crisis and make trouble over the course of the night).

Anyway, finally something set me off -- the cat of all things. And I got angry, got out of bed, and went downstairs to "cool off". She came down about 5 minutes later to insist that I go to bed, she'd stay up. Sorry to have upset, and all that. Well, after an adrendaline surge so late into my cicadian rhythms, I did not sleep well at all. Not at all. BUT, I considered that my own fault. She actually hadn't started any particular conflict. I just was straining to be patient and unreactive and just listen when the cat did something that jangled my nerves at just the wrong time.

So, last night I had an evening appointment. Stopped at home to check on her, got told she wasn't expecting me to be home and didn't need any assistance (not nasty, but not exactly warm and fuzzy either). Asked her if she wanted to talk anything over, and shs didn't. So I went to my appointment, got home as expected about 9:50 p and went to the bedroom where she was watching TV.

I settled into bed. She made a couple minor remarks. Then a few minutes later, started in for real on how awful the last 3 weeks have been and how all this ill feeling goes back to when I (me, not her) got angry on Xmas, and so on and on. Inappropriate at a late hour, but I tolerated it it patiently. Tried hard not to react or respond in kind. Just listened and acknowledged her as she talked. She got a bit heated. I thought perhaps she'd get it out of her system and then settle down. But, no. She got worked up and went on downstairs.

I watched TV a few more minutes, then decided to honor my fatigue and try to go to sleep. I though I would drop right off. Didn't happen.

You see, there's been numerous times when she's burst into the room and made trouble in the middle of the night. Last Friday night (wee hours of Sat, actually) was a good example. She was civil enough when I went to bed. But too much thinking, feeling and a bottle of wine, and she went slamming through rooms and slamming doors and turning lights on and making problems in the middle of the night.

So, I guess that episode, with others of the past, was bothering my psyche. I slept like a warrior. Ears pricked. Every noise she made roused me out of the light sleep. Apparently some part of me was concerned at the "danger", even if it was only to my good night's sleep.

So, I slept lightly, tossed and turned, until she finally came to bed without incident. I settled down some, but never felt like I slept well or enough. So today I'm tired again. Not functioning as well as I'd ought.

and I'm tired, tired, tired of living with crazy..... /Pop