Mars / Venus

One of the misadventures of this fall is, sensing we were fighting more and getting along less (lots of reasons, a car accident, my 78 y.o. dad's health etc) M began reading and studying on relationship (saving) books. She started with the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book (I'm not a Dr Phil fan, either....) and "suggested I read it and work through the exercises too...."

Big mistake on her part. As Gray says in the intro of the Mars /Venus Together Forever book (another on my "assigned reading list") -- "If you hand (a man) a book and say 'you need this' it creates more resistance.".

Yes, I've read most of the book, because I agreed to at least do that. And I just finished the first Mars / Venus book -- which, was unexpectedly helpful. And, now I'm starting into the Together Forever one.....

But, she's looking for a miracle -- in particular, some miraculous change in me.

Yet, as I read something like Gray writes in the first chapter, "(Men) They do not know who to remain strong while providing emotional support." I reflect on the fact from my point of view that in large part, within this relationship, I had done EXACTLY that. Strength AND emotional support.

I've tried to be patient, hoping that she would work through her issues, stemming from her childhood and first and second marriages. Yet, she's remained mostly arrested in her healing and progress.

Interestingly, a while back someone told me that in reality, I've allowed her to remain ill, rather than created a safe space for her to move toward better psycho-emotional health.
That, I now knows, comes from co-dependent tendencies that started to develop in my youth, and became highly developed (without my really realizing it) during my first marriage -- to a Catholic Princess (only child, body image and sexual issues.....)

And in this relationship, now that her children have moved, and her life ought to be far less stressful, she's harder to live with than ever and now I'M part of the problem in her universe instead of part of the solution and safety.

I'm troubled by how little she seems to understand that the difficult reality she often lives in is one she creates....

I also am frustrated that she's read the Dr Phil stuff, and worked through much of the exercises, and thinks she's made "huge changes". She's read the Mars/Venus book, and ought to have a better understanding of how each of us currently express ourselves unfruitfully an dhow each of us can communicate and respond in ways that are more likely to be heard and accepted by the other -- I don't feel as if she's adjusted her way of communicating and dealing with me in any real and permanent manner.

Yes, there's been a few conversations that she handled in a way that reflected her readings. But, they've been few and far between.

Mostly she's miserable in her world and seems to want me to fix it for her. She doesn't realize that her's is a bottomless pit of need and despair and no matter how much love I've given, it's not been enough....
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