The BPD splitting

Splitting is a difficult thing to deal with day in and day out -- or more accurately, from moment to moment. You see, the partner of a person with borderline personality disorder is regularly viewed as either the most wonderful person in the world, high on a pedestal, or the worst of the dregs of humanity and completely devalued.

For me, the early periods of the relationship had lots of the idealization, regularly a more moderated mood and view, and also regularly, a split toward the extreme negative toward others
(current husband, boss, kids, ex-husband (since deceased).

M has been off work on disability for nearly 10 years now. In this relationship as a primary for a dozen. Kids are grown and moved..... and that key separation started to occur a few years back. And, we moved to the country to additionally reduce stress....

So, with no boss, no ex-husband, no kids, and nothing else to focus blame for negative feelings on, I became the primary focus -- and the primary target of blame.

I'd say that really got out of hand 3 or 4 years ago. I haen't really held up well in the villain role, and now feeling regularly attacked, I lash back. Strictly yelling and stomping about. But, I'm frustrated that the state of this relationship has come to this. Almost no where else, in fact, no where else that I can think of, do I so quickly "draw sword" in response to anger or negative talk. Just at home when I'm split to black (negative) by M.

I think at one time, and for a time, this relationship brought the best out in me. OTOH, it also has hugely exacerbated a tendency I have toward codependency. But, no more. I don't feel like it brings out the best, but rather, the worst in me.

And, I know I'm having to gauge all this in terms of my own health, vitality, and well-being.

Add to that, the negative and unforgiving and unforgetting feelings she has toward my family (mom, son, brothers and their wives....) and I don't feel too optimistic.

My son tells me to "float downstream" when I can, until I am ready to make a firm decision about where I am going (not we, me) in all this. There will come a time, soon, where I have to make that decision.

I hate to leave all that is good and lovely in her. Yet, I cannot see where there can be the reconciliation of feelings and history that would have to occur to remain together much longer.

I can hardly accept the idea that I have to have a separate life with my family and with M. That's just not right.

When you heap that idea on top of the spoken and unspoken feelings of abandonment and "not having enough time together" that I get from her -- when, from my perspective, I spend virtually all of my off-work time at home. Have minimized my meetings and work responsibilities as much as possible, and on and on....

Where can this go, but toward some end, planned or not. Friendly or not. Where else can it truly go?