We've had a minor gastro virus in the household over the last few days, she and I. On top of that, she's been recovering from semi-minor surgery. And on top of that I've let on on occasions in the past, but not in recent days, that I am having a heckuva time staying in the relationship.
I got a fairly good bit of sleep, and feel mostly recovered from the virus, but not completely. Still a little physically tired. I've waited patiently for her to awaken so as to gauge where her mood may be today -- not good. Yesterday, for reasons unknown to me other than general down sentiment (she's been in some pain, then feeling sick for a number of days) -- she began to feel insecure.
Me, I've been careful to show much more patience and a far more caring and helpful attitude for most of the week. I truly have been torn about whether to stay or go..... but days like this make it all the more difficult to entertain remainig.
She apparently woke up unhappy and perhaps sad and worried. It mostly comes across as a seething quiet anger. I keep trying to show caring and concern....
But her unhappiness seems to be washing over me like waves beating against a rocky shore. I've always had to be "the rock" -- grounded and dependable no matter what beat against me. The troubles began in earnest, though, when it seemed the rock had become part of the water's problems and not part of what supports and contains it.
I can only try to remain patient and forebearing. But, I also must continue to search my own needs and feelings and see what is the best for me and my vital well-being.
Most who know my story counsel moving on.
When I feel strong and grounded and firm, I sometimes want to retain and continue all that has been good for us together and make more of it.
But, mostly, I just feel wearied and worn.
Like a warrior who hopes not to be attacked. Who would like to lay aside his sword, but cannot, because the land in which he dwells remains a wild and dangerous place. /Pop
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